Magic Age to Marry?
by Steve Watters on 09/06/2007 at 4:47 PM
Since we started allowing comments, some of our most heated ones have been on the topic of when to marry. While we are celebrating our anniversary and digging up classic posts, I thought this one might provide some clarity about how we've tried to address the question, "Is there a magic age to marry?":
Is there a perfect age to marry? Does waiting until your late twenties or thirties give you greater maturity and a stronger financial foundation? Does marrying at a younger age give you a better shot at having prime energy for the parenting years and avoiding sexual sin?
The Washington Times ran an article last week called "Knot Now, Americans Say" [no longer available online] that holds up some of the benefits of marrying young to those who may have a bias to wait until a later age. And I think it's true there is a bias. People who follow my parents' model and get married at 19 and 20 are often looked down on as impetuous. When my sister-in-law got married right out of college, several of her friends criticized her rush to matrimony.
Often this concern is legitimate because of research that shows the greater likelihood of divorce among those who marry in their teens and early twenties. Some well intentioned parents, youth leaders and counselors, however, have given young men and women the impression that every year they wait improves their chances of a strong marriage. The Times article above points to a study by Norval Glenn at the University of Texas that found people who married between 23 and 27 reporting greater satisfaction with their marriages than those who married before and after them. Apparently, there are tradeoffs for delay -- such as greater potential for sexual baggage and a tougher transition for two independent adults into an interdependent relationship.
At the end of the day, advice about prime marrying ages shouldn't be perceived as a message of doom and gloom for those who are already past a certain age or undue pressure for someone to go out and marry just anyone. The primary benefit of knowing the pros and cons of certain marrying ages is when it comes to making a decision about a relationship you're currently in or when it comes to someone intentionally turning down relationship opportunities that come their way because of a bias toward a year that is still down the road.
Often the best answer to the question, "When should I get married?" is "as soon as you are prepared to accept the responsibility of a lifelong commitment to someone you love."
1. k. said the following at 6:21 PM on Sep 6:
I agree...that's a good answer! But, you guys seem to want to have it both ways. At times, I get a "Marriage or bust!" vibe from you...an inordinate number of posts here are about marriage--how to know if you've found the right one (are they saved, opposite sex, and breathing? then go for it!), why men are delaying marriage, the benefits of marrying young, etc etc etc. So, it's nice to see some balance. :)
2. DannieA said the following at 6:47 PM on Sep 6:
I agree ;) And I also don't see this as a doom and gloom considering i'm a year past the average lol
3. Adrienne said the following at 8:43 PM on Sep 6:
This is something I really don't understand. If you marry before 25 or so, you're considered "too young," just a stupid kid, but if you wait much longer than that, you're "getting up there," and need to hurry up and get married before you're "too old" and nobody wants you.
4. Ashley said the following at 10:33 PM on Sep 6:
Though God does intend most of us to marry (as has been stated numerous times) it seems, especially in this day and age, that the timing for each individual is very unique.
For one, divorce is incredibly prevalent now, and I know from personal experience that many issues acquired from a parent's divorce creates serious relational problems. These individuals need to deal with these issues. In some cases God may see marriage as a way for the individual to recognize and address them, and in other God may wish the individual to deal with them BEFORE marriage (so postponing marriage). Divorce is just one example, but there are many others.
Also, adolescence is so long now that it really does take a longer time (for many) to mature and develop in preparation for marriage and family. Granted, there will always be a lot to learn IN marriage and having a family, and there will ALWAYS be issues for individuals to deal with (we are human after all).
It just seems to me that instead of discussing when the best time as if we are supposed to make these decisions on our own, perhaps just asking God about His timing. If we're the ones postponing it and He has opened doors, than obviously we're in the wrong. But if we are seeking it and He holds the doors closed, there is likely a reason (or reasons) for this. It's all about Him anyways... (at least that is what He continues to emphasize with me ha).
5. skp said the following at 12:21 AM on Sep 7:
Has any one viewed this great movie on TV- it's mindless but has a great point. I don't remember it's name- but a girl's mother on her death bed told her she was destined to marry the seventh man she ever dated. The entire movie was about the girl manipulating her life so that the eighth man she dated would be the seventh man because he was the one she really wanted and she really wanted to fulfill her mothers destiny. At the end of the movie she discovers that the seventh man was really the one she wanted to marry. And they lived happily ever after.
My take: Marriage happens when it happens. Manipulating statistics doesn't work
6. Andrea said the following at 1:19 AM on Sep 7:
There is no right or wrong age to marry, only the Lords perfect timing. Also, age doesn't equal maturity. It is wrong to compare our life to anyone elses because everyone's life story is special and different.
7. Christina said the following at 6:56 AM on Sep 7:
Paul puts it best, honestly, that if you are single, use the time to push towards God. If you find yourself "burning with lust", I think it would be time for you to start seriously considering marriage, or hopefully you've been preparing yourself to be a responsible, mature adult in your single years and when you hit this point, you are ready (somewhat) to GET into a serious relationship.
8. Jennifer E. Jones said the following at 6:58 AM on Sep 7:
You're ready to get married when you meet the person that God has for you. Doesn't matter if you're 19 or you're 91.
What gets me is not so much when people marry, but that a lot of people who seem to have "followed the rules" and done everything right in courtship are still ending in divorce. We're so concerned with getting people married off that we forget that a lot of these people aren't staying married. What's going wrong here?
9. kman said the following at 7:57 AM on Sep 7:
I married at 27. That was the age when I found someone I wanted to marry and who wanted to marry me. There is no way I would have just married based on my age. When I found the right one I married her.
10. Lyssa said the following at 8:37 AM on Sep 7:
Great comments! I'm 20 and engaged and have gone through quite a bit of cynical criticism about my age. However, I know in my heart that i'm ready to be with my fiancee for the rest of my life and this was encouraging :o)
11. aj said the following at 8:38 AM on Sep 7:
I guess I have yet to figure out what the big deal is about when people get married! Who cares? You marry when you find the person that you want to be with and God has designed for you. I think there are some considerations to think about like education, financial etc... But those differ in every circumstance, and no one, other than you, God, and your future mate can decide that for you.
I have one friend who married right out of high school to a 22 year old man. Both had been working through high school and had money saved up. By the time she graduated, he had a full time job and a part time job and was more than ready to support them both. They are very happy!
On the opposite side, my other friend married this year at age 33 to a 38 year old man. Neither one had much dating/courting experience and both thought they were never going to find that special someone. Well, guess what--they couldn't be happier and are both so glad they waited to find each other rather than settling for less than God's best!
I did not date until I was 24 and found someone worthy of dating. There were simply no conservative Christian men at college and most of the men at my church were either related to me or were just plain boring. At age 24 I began dating a 33 year old man who had been turned down by the few girls he had the guts to ask out because of his occupation (farmer). After the first few dates and prayer we knew it was right! We were engaged 6 months later. That just happened to be the right timing and the right person for both of us. Neither one of us can imagine being married to anyone else!
I guess just from my experience with myself and my friends, there is no magic age, just when God decides to send a special person your way. Remember, God controls everything and knows all.
12. jacob said the following at 9:07 AM on Sep 7:
i think marriage should have pre-eminence above personal comfort. that's why i think people should be married before they graduate, before they have bills paid off, before everything that is deemed "comfortable." sometimes i feel like i'm encouraged to be materialistic. you know what, life isn't about being comfortable. and you know what else, being with my future spouse is more important to me than paying off my school loans. to me, waiting to marry to get things paid off, or to graduate, or to get established in order for us to live comfortably, tells me that i'm more concerned with stuff than i am with the picture of the body and bride of Christ.
13. Mike Maroney said the following at 9:23 AM on Sep 7:
I agree with the final statement of a lifelong commitment! I am 27 and it seems that my generation is afraid of commitment. I'm not married and its not because I'm afraid of commitment, I think it is because I have not found the "right one." I hope to be married before Jesus' second coming, but if I don't get married its not a big deal.
14. Sarah said the following at 11:52 AM on Sep 7:
>skp said:
Has any one viewed this great movie on TV- it's mindless but has a great point. I don't remember it's name- but a girl's mother on her death bed told her she was destined to marry the seventh man she ever dated.
Random, I know, but I thought I was going to go crazy if I couldn't figure it out and I think the movie you're talking about is called 'Lucky 7'.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0370904/
15. Raj Sharma said the following at 11:57 AM on Sep 7:
Interesting how no one is talking about having children. Age matters because child bearing abilities decline rapidly for women. Anyway, this is typical of our selfish culture. Marriage in only about me and it makes no difference when I marry.
16. J.T. said the following at 1:21 PM on Sep 7:
I am really annoyed at some people (maybe you can relate) that when someone waits to get married, they get flak from people in their family, church, job, school, etc., but when they finally get engaged, the same people freak out that they are getting married, and they should wait for someone else. That kind of superficiality can wear pretty thin.
17. IWishToRemainAnonymous said the following at 2:49 PM on Sep 7:
Jacob,
It sounds to me like what you're saying borders on saying that marriage should take priority over responsibility - and I believe that's dangerous. My brother found "the one" and married her before bothering to do the math and see if he could provide for a wife. He apparently couldn't, and now she HAS to work just to make ends meet, and woe is them if she finds herself pregnant, because she'll just have to keep right on working after the baby is born if they want to have food to eat.
There is a difference between materialism (as in, "I have to have purchased a mansion and make a six-figure income so we can drive three new cars and vacation at Disneyworld every year before marriage") and responsibility (as in, "Have I reduced my debt? Can I pay the bills now?", and (for men): "Can I provide for a wife and children?") And it's important to be financially responsible, because the reality is, two can't live as cheaply as one, and it's better to be prepared than wind up bankrupt or living in your parents' spare bedroom.
18. BDB said the following at 12:26 PM on Sep 8:
IWishToRemainAnonymous wrote:
>>(as in, "I have to have purchased a mansion and make a six-figure income so we can drive three new cars and vacation at Disneyworld every year before marriage") <<
Interestingly enough, earning $100,000 a year isn't enough to qualify for a mortgage on a McMansion these days. It takes two professional-level incomes to do it.
Not that I'm advocating McMansions...I'd rather have a yard and a smaller house. And a paid-off car (but people think that's boring...)
19. BDB said the following at 12:46 PM on Sep 8:
I noticed the following conflicting values:
Dawnson wrote:
>>My last girlfriend was still figuring out who she was (at 20). <<
florida_grl wrote:
>>It comes down to having an understanding that no, I don't have it all figured out, but you love God, I love God and we're committed to Him first, and then to each other forever in hard times, good times, etc.
Don't we become one and figure out the process together as we grow? <<
My $.02:
Sometimes people who have "figured themselves out" have really just become set in their routine and are unwilling to consider changing it. I'm going to vote with florida_grl on this one. Much better to put growth on the table as an expectation.
20. Christina said the following at 8:52 AM on Sep 10:
In all fairness to the men who aren't going to be making 6 figures and to the anonymous guy, if the man is willing to take on the added responsibility of supporting a wife and possible children, then more power to him.
I know it's rare, but where there's a willing husband and a supporting wife, big things can happen - my parents were living in a run down house with no bathroom when I was born. They now live in a two story home in a nice neighborhood (with working bathrooms...) with 5 kids - 2 with college degrees and 3 in high school.
My sister and her husband moved to DC on one income - my sister working as a PD dispatch. Her husband got a job while waiting to get into fire academy. Now my sister is also in police acadamey and together, they will be making 6 figures in 6 months. It really is possible. Not everyone is going to be that lucky, but if the guy isn't willing to attempt to make ends meet, then he shouldn't be getting married - but if he is, why not?