When It Comes to Love, I'm Pro-Choice
by
Denise Morris
on Aug 23, 2007 at 2:44 PM
We republished an article on TrueU.org today that talks about the choices we make when it comes to love. The author, Micah Wierenga, talks about his first year of marriage, when both he and his wife really realized what it means to choose to love someone.
Unfortunately, our culture has made "falling in love" the most important aspect of a relationship. If those fuzzy feelings aren't strong enough or if they fade away, you better move on to someone else. But what about the idea that we choose to love people even when we don't feel like it?
You've probably heard that marriage is a covenant and that's true. But it's probably more accurate to broaden this to say that love is a covenant, the definition of which is an agreement or contract between two parties.
Do you want to know why arranged marriages don't work in our culture today? Just think about our approach to finding a mate. We shop around asking the question, "Who will make me the happiest?" Once we've made our decision, we decide to marry that person. Then, after a while, we begin to have unhappy times and slowly but surely we begin to wonder if we've made the wrong choice. Maybe I should've waited, we think. Maybe this other person over here was the right person because they would've made me happier. Then, of course, we join that 50 percent of people who asked the same question about happiness.
In fact, what I find wholly fascinating and repulsively ironic about our attitude on love is that, on the one hand, we would rather die than not be able to choose our spouse and, on the other hand, we would rather divorce that same spouse than choose to love them. We want the option to choose without the responsibility to choose.
Micah encourages people to quit looking for what will make them happiest and instead focus on making others happy. In fact, according to the greatest commandments, our goal should be to love those around us -- quite crucial when it comes to having healthy relationships.
Micah points out one of the best examples of the choice to love in the story of God and Israel as presented in the book of Hosea. The prophet Hosea is asked to marry a prostitute who continues to run off and sleep with other men. It's a picture of God's relationship with Israel -- how He continues to love and pursue her even when she turns away:
But, why did Yahweh continue the chase? Because He had "fallen in love"? Not really. It was because He made a covenant to love Israel and refused to abandon it despite her failures.
In the same way, Hosea maintained his pursuit of Gomer because, for him, love was a covenant, not an emotion; a choice, not a feeling.
It's no wonder that the Bible is fairly silent about romance, or more accurately, it's no wonder that the Bible doesn't equate romance and love. Romance is fleeting though it feels wonderful. Love is lasting despite how it feels.
I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiments in this article, although I know that deciding to love someone is much easier said than done. What do you think? Is love a choice?
1. Jo had the following to say on Aug 23 at 2:55 PM:
Much of the Bible is fairly silent about romance, it's true... but then slap bang in the middle you've got Song of Songs, which is the opposite.
I totally agree with everything else in this post, but I don't think we have to, or should, give up romance to choose love.
2. Carrie had the following to say on Aug 23 at 3:15 PM:
A friend of mine that is getting married soon, months ago, very much "decided" to love her boyfriend. She commented "I never thought that something like that would be a decision". I think its the best decision she's ever made. It was most definitely a choice that she walked into with much caution and the two of them are definitely not short on romance. :)
3. Denise Morris had the following to say on Aug 23 at 3:42 PM:
Hey Jo,
I agree that romance is an important aspect of a relationship. However, I think the point of the article is that romantic feelings are fleeting -- they come and go. Love is based on the choice to continue to love, even if those romantic feelings have gone for awhile.
4. Nick had the following to say on Aug 23 at 5:17 PM:
it definitely IS a choice. The love based on emotion just will not last. But true love is, as you said, choosing you will love someone "for better or for worse..."
5. Beth L. had the following to say on Aug 23 at 6:15 PM:
I think the fact that we only have one word for "love" (as aposed to the 4 words in Greek, or 3 in Hebrew) limits our understanding of the concept sometimes.
There are both "love feelings" and "love actions". Love feelings come and go. There are differnt kinds, motherly love, erotic love, etc. There are differnt degrees, fading crush vs. IN LOVE with someone. And when we have "love feelings" it is easy to do "love actions". Our challenge is to do the "love actions" when we don't have the "love feelings". That is where the choice comes in.
6. Brian had the following to say on Aug 24 at 11:24 AM:
I'm following and I agree. Yet, it leaves me wondering...if love is a decision, then what are the criteria for picking someone to be on the receiving end of that decision? If I am to follow Micah's advice and "focus on how to make others happy," do I just pick the next Christian woman I see and make that decision? With the Bible's emphasis on "choosing" the person you're married to, I'm having a hard time applying those same principles to a situation where someone isn't already picked for you. If choosing to love your spouse is the name of the game in marriage, how does that same principle apply when selecting a mate? Or, in other words, how do I "choose who to choose" with the proper, others-focused motivation?
7. Robert J Espe had the following to say on Aug 24 at 12:23 PM:
Essayist Wendell Berry said that marriage exists to safeguard those times when [the person we feel] love [toward] and our choice coincide. You understand that much better after you've fought and made up with your spouse over something serious. You can't be at the height of romance all the time, but marriage allows you to keep coming back to it.
8. Brian had the following to say on Aug 24 at 2:07 PM:
Brian,
I think if there was an easy answer to that question, then Boundless would not need to exist.
The truth of the matter is that we live in a world in which fear, anxiety, and distrust plague our hearts and souls.
"how do I "choose who to choose" with the proper, others-focused motivation?"
We are all well aware that you can't just walk up to a girl and say "Hey, I want to choose to make you happy for the rest of my life." That's far from romantic and just plain scary.
I wish there was an easy answer out there, but there isn't. Let me repeat: I wish there was an easy answer.
9. Carrie had the following to say on Aug 24 at 3:28 PM:
Um, I'm "Brian" above. I tend to put the name of the person I'm responding to in the "Name" box, but usually I correct it.
10. Oxanna had the following to say on Aug 24 at 7:02 PM:
Well, of course we're supposed to put God first. Marrying the person He wants us to involves some decision and consideration about which person will help you fulfill God's plan the best. Obviously, you want to consider others, but of course, God's plan comes first.
11. Fred Walker had the following to say on Aug 25 at 1:07 AM:
I was wondering about the Biblical basis for making others' happy? I understand about loving your neighbour and therefore doing what is best for them but happiness doesn't automatically lead to what is best for them - although you can argue along the lines of eternal happiness.
12. Laura had the following to say on Aug 25 at 11:40 PM:
Fred Walker - you're right, no where in the Bible does it say 'make your neighbour/spouse/parent/friend happy'. But it does say 'love your neighbour' - to me this means serving them practically, loving them when they're unloveable, crying with them in tough times, rejoicing with them in great times. It is through this that I make the people around me happy. I am engaged to a wonderful, godly young man, and I love to see him happy. The 90% of putting that into action is to love and honour him as I love and honour the Lord. The 10% is the romance that comes with it.
Hope that helps.
13. stef had the following to say on Aug 26 at 2:34 PM:
This was the best thing I've read in a week.
14. Christina had the following to say on Aug 27 at 2:38 PM:
@ Brian and the other wanna-be Brians :)
The Bible does give a good idea of what to look for in a spouse. There's stuff for guys on what to look for in a woman, and stuff for the girls on what to look for in a husband. I don't know the references, but someone posted an article on here with them.
I think that that covers the most important aspects. I think that once you have that down, choosing becomes a little less precarious.
I honestly think choosing to love someone who "chases after God's heart" will be the most exciting adventure ever. Make sure you have all the important things covered and then take the leap of faith. Kinda like selling everything you own and moving to africa to do missions work - not without the risk, but well worth it :)
15. Fred Walker had the following to say on Aug 27 at 7:53 PM:
Laura,
But what makes another person happy is not necessarily what is best for them.
16. kelly had the following to say on Sep 8 at 10:41 AM:
I've been questioning the principle of love a lot this summer. To love someone truly is that it brings glory to God, right? I wonder what it means to say though that God has planned who we are to marry. Did not God grant us free will and thus if we are willing to make a commitment and love an individual honestly despite problems and disargeements that will bring glory to God. I've been very confused. Does anyone have any thoughts?
17. kelly had the following to say on Sep 8 at 10:45 AM:
I personally believe that love is a choice. It is the choice to glorify God in our relationships by not just giving up when it gets tough, but truly attempting to love them as Jesus would love the church. What I've been struggling with this summer is the question of is love our choice? Does God predetermine us to have a mate or did he grant us free will and thus we are given free reign to choose our own mate? I believe that if we are to choose, then of course we are to choose someone that would help us to honor God and vice versa for the other individual involved. I'm confused though on this issue. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?