The Blessing in Single
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 08/27/2007 at 4:57 PM
We talk a lot of singleness theory here at Boundless. We hail the merits of preparing for marriage and family, give tips for getting out of the singleness rut and provide biblical perspective on courtship and marriage.
It's easy to talk theory. For example, God most likely desires for you to marry and have a family or He has equipped you for celibate service. But what about everything in between? What about the woman eager to marry who has no prospective suitors? Or what about the man who feels prepared to lead a family, but has not met the right woman?
Single through most of my 20s, I have struggled with the dynamic of agreeing with God's plan for marriage and family, and yet finding my reality to be different. In these moments, it has been crucial for me to know that God is using me for His glory as I wait. Though Scripture advocates marriage, many godly men and women find themselves single longer than anticipated.
In her article, "A Single Blessing," Denise Morris writes about what she found to be the blessing in singleness: an opportunity to learn to praise God in all circumstances.
I always thought that I would meet my spouse in college. We would date for about a year, graduate, get fabulous jobs, and then have a wonderful wedding. Picture perfect. However, since I am currently holding my college diploma in my diamondless left hand, I have come to the conclusion that I was wrong. Very wrong.
This is a sentiment many 20-something singles relate to. What is your response when God has not given what you believe is promised? Denise continues:
I told myself: I will not praise God for my loneliness, for the times I've been passed over for someone else. I will not thank God for refusing to provide someone to marry, or someone who wants to marry me. I will not be grateful for the hot tears that escape when the feelings of inadequacy, ugliness and self-doubt overwhelm me. I can praise God for a lot of things, I told myself. But I cannot praise Him for singleness … I just can't.
I was not comforted that night. Although I knew that God was in control, that He loved me, that He was everything He had always been, I did not feel any of those things. I felt like God was mean — that He knew I needed encouragement and yet refused to give it to me. I felt frustrated with God, and I wanted to yell at Him. So I did. Well, I yelled at Him a little bit, but mostly I pleaded. I pleaded for God to give me what I wanted. I pleaded with Him to show me favor in this area. I cried big tears to show God just how serious I was.
A truth about single life is that God has the same expectations for me that He has for my married friends: "To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8). He is just as capable of teaching me and refining me in my single state as He will one day mold me through my marriage. I also have no excuse not to praise Him for what He is doing in my life today. Denise describes her own eventual response:
When I verbally praised God for my lack of a boyfriend, I don't know if I meant it. I couldn't fully mean it; my heart hurt too much. I don't know if that muffled exaltation counted as true praise. But I tried to be obedient. I did it, even though I knew I wouldn't be comforted. I did it because I knew that God was who He said He was. And I eventually fell asleep that night.
There is peace in trusting God in your reality — even if it isn't the one you desire. Theory aside, God is for you. He is working in you for His glory. And it is possible to praise Him. Thank you for pointing that out, Denise.
1. Ivy said the following at 5:30 PM on Aug 27:
That is definitely the place I am at right now. I am trying to praise Him in the midst of the loneliness; trying to remember He is always there and knows exactly what I need when I need it. If nothing else, this is another comforting blog knowing I'm not alone. Thank you.
2. bekah said the following at 5:40 PM on Aug 27:
Thank you so much for this post!
I am so encouraged.
I wonder about this a lot, although; the Lord always brings me back to..
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
I do not rejoice in being single, but this is the portion that the Lord has given me TODAY.
And today is a day that the Lord has made.
So today is the day that whether single, or married, I must live for the Lord and seek his face in all things.
And finally, his timing is perfect and his ways are MUCH better than our ways:
Isaiah 55:8
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
So, with that, we have rest in His timing and His perfect Grace, knowing that He already sees All of it.
3. Vanessa said the following at 5:42 PM on Aug 27:
I can see still praising God through the singleness...but praising Him THAT you're still single when you don't want to be? I disagree.
It is one thing to trust in God's plan and wisdom at work in your life. It is one thing to say "God, I am frustrated, but I believe You know best and I am trusting in You to work Your plan in my life. I'm trusting you for grace and mercy and patience and faith." It is completely different to thank God that you don't have something that you want, because it seems to me that it is a lie.
4. Leah said the following at 7:21 PM on Aug 27:
I never really had a 'plan' like that. Probably because I landed a pretty awesome boyfriend in my first year of uni, and in high school, though I expected to get married not long out of uni, I didn't really picture what the process would be like.
So I guess I don't really know what it's like to be single and desiring otherwise. I mean, I'm not married or engaged, but we've been going out for close on 2 and a half years (don't jump on my back or my boyfriend's- we started dating when I was 17, couldn't exactly have a 12 month courtship then get married) and are planning on getting engaged in the next few months.
Because I'm still young- 19- I can't really comment for women in their 30s. However, my experience with friends (many in their 20s) has resulted in me never thinking there was anything odd with 20-something women or men being single.
However, I must say that in Australia, our national evangelical student body, AFES (Australian Fellowship of Evangelical Students) often gets nick-named "Australia's Fastest End to Singleness" or "Australia's Fastest Engagement Service" due to the numbers of students who meet, date and get engaged through AFES groups on campus (like our own Christian Union).
Anyway, those are just some random thoughts with no particular intended purpose, they are just giving my experience on the whole thing.
5. Bethany said the following at 8:35 PM on Aug 27:
"A truth about single life is that God has the same expectations for me that He has for my married friends."
Thank you, Suzanne Hadley, for such an honest statement and a great article!
As a twenty-something single, I find it so discouraging and frustrating when others, especially Christians, forget that God's Sovereignty is still at hand in the lives of singles.
6. Katie said the following at 8:56 PM on Aug 27:
Suzanne (and Denise), this is one of the most awesome posts I have ever read on Boundless. Your honesty is so encouraging! Thanks for sharing such a balanced view, and for the reminder that God is for us, no matter how we feel.
7. Susan said the following at 9:50 PM on Aug 27:
It's really hard to wait on God's timing but, He knows our heart and honors it. He says in Psalms 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." One of them is our desire to be with someone we want to be with for the rest of our life. Just make it known to Him and wait until He gives that person to us. We'll be surprised that what He gave us is more than what we have expected. Remember that God doesn't give the least but only the best...Have joy in waiting...
8. Andrew (tlw) said the following at 11:59 PM on Aug 27:
Vanessa,
Right with you on that.
We need to praise DESPITE our circumstances. This does not mean we must be thankful FOR them. If our car gets stolen or our house burgled, do we praise Him for it? “Thank you, oh Lord, for this opportunity to enrich the thriftless, through this contribution of our worldly goods?” I don’t think so. Somewhere, our thinking has become skewed.
We can choose to blame God for the problems that the enemy had a hand in. God is not to blame for the careerism, consumerism, immaturity, selfishness, or brokenness (my own, or that of others) that stops and prevents relationships from forming.
Leah,
You are very blessed to both (a) be able to attend uni at a young age, and (b) be moving towards marriage at a young age. I enjoyed uni and would greatly have liked to graduate with a degree in one hand and be sending a wedding invite with the other. But alas, it didn’t happen.
I do know what it is like to be single and desiring otherwise. Singleness can be used well, poorly, or anywhere in between. I gave thanks for the time to work multiple jobs, support myself through college and be heavily involved in church stuff. But there is more to life than achieving a string of personal goals.
Proverbs states that “hope deferred makes the heart sick,” and I can relate to that. This posting feels to me like a misreading of Romans 8:28. God is able to work through whatever we experience. I do not recall ever wanting to be single indefinitely. And as a guy, I do think that prolonged singleness can be harder on woman than it is on men.
9. James said the following at 12:40 AM on Aug 28:
"Praising God even in lonliness"
Thank you for the encouragement. Seriously, thank you. This does help that deep inner ache of not having a wife yet. And maybe such disciplining of self will help me to be a better brother in Christ to my sisters in Christ who are daily in my life (and even those women who aren't sisters in Christ).
10. Eric said the following at 1:18 AM on Aug 28:
At the risk of sounding controversial, I want to add some "don'ts" for single Christian women who are trying to make themselves available and to make good first impressions with Christian men:
- Don't complain about your weight. It's ok to do that around your girlfriends, but it makes many men feel awkward.
- Don't rapidly fire "what-are-you-doing-with-your-life" questions.
- Don't mumble and grumble about someone who you have a grievance with -- even if its legitimate. You come off as bitter when you slander someone else's actions.
DO be yourself.
11. Jon said the following at 3:34 AM on Aug 28:
Suzanne, thank you for your honesty. As a chap, although I haven't caught myself weeping into a pillow at night I can identify with much of what you have shared.
Like several of the other people who have posted on this thread, I didn't see myself as being single in my 20s. Although I wouldn't say I am content with my current status, I am grateful to God that I didn't commit to a relationship in my early 20s. Although I was a Christian at the time, Christ-like characteristics in a woman was not my top priority.
I see this time of being single as a time to determine what God has called me to do with my life and to pray for a wife, so that we will complement each other and bring more glory God than either of us could have done individually. I think there is always the temptation to think that the grass is greener on the other side of a wedding. Although I do believe that this is definitely true with regard to companionship and being more "whole", I do believe that there is much that we can and do need to figure out for ourselves and this is not related to our single status. If we don't deal with some of these issues now (To name a few - God's call on our lives / Finding our purpose in life, dealing with disappointment etc) we will need to deal with them after we find ourselves in a relationship.
12. Fred Walker said the following at 5:24 AM on Aug 28:
Susan,
But you're forgetting you have to first "Delight yourself in the Lord." Only when your will is in line with God's will He give you what your heart desires.
13. Dawn said the following at 6:18 AM on Aug 28:
As a single in my late 20's, I know that I have certainly not always (or ever?) praised God for my single-ness.
I am, however, learning more about myself and dealing with issues (like selfishness, family of origin issues, etc.) that I know would come up in marriage.
I can only hope that maybe God is giving me a head start on getting those things straight before He drags someone else into the mix :)
14. Childless single woman said the following at 8:50 AM on Aug 28:
In response to a number of the above comments, maybe it's not "God's timing" that is delaying marriage?
Maybe it's cultural influences that have crept into the church, whereby marriage is no longer seen as something that is expected of young adults?
Maybe it's our contemporary teaching on singleness and marriage, which would have been unrecognisable by Christians just a generation ago?
Maybe it's the fact that there are more women than men in our churches, which aside from the mathematical imbalance, also means that the men don't have any sense of urgency?
Maybe it is the large number of female "friends" that some Christian men have?
Maybe it's to do with the availability of easy and secretive access to pornography?
Most likely, it is a combination of the above, and there may be even be more contributing factors too.
Yes, God is sovereign, but that doesn't mean that everything that happens to us is automatically "God's will".
I think there are some difficult questions we need to ask, instead of just attributing prolonged singleness to God, or something that He is trying to teach us individually.
15. Nellie said the following at 9:32 AM on Aug 28:
Suzanne, thank you for this post. It really encouraged and challenged me. It was a breath of fresh air, actually. I have been reading Boundless for sometime now, and I appreciate y'all's willingness to tackel tough issues and to say what may be unpopular and to wake people up to the blessing of marriage and that we might need to be intentional about our desires to be married. However, I often leave the articles feeling that, while the 22 year olds have been encouraged to think seriously about their desire for marriage and possibly avoid prolonged singleness, those of us who are 28 and yet unmarried have been stereotyped and scolded for putting career and aimless relationships first. That's not Boundless' intention, I know, but it is often how the articles seem to come across to me.
So, it is in contrast to that perception, that your post is received with a sigh of refreshment. I appreciate it when people recognize that, while it may not be what we would want, longer periods of singleness are a reality for some of us and that God is more than worthy of praising in the midst of that. He -is- good, He -is-working His purposes in us, He -is- near to us and He -does- hear our cries for companionship. It's not about pie-in-the-sky "contentment"; it's about real life, raw, sometimes messy, trust and worship.
So, thank you for the shout out to us "older" yet unmarried folks. And thanks for practically pointing us Godward. That is what we -all- need.
16. Shazia said the following at 9:55 AM on Aug 28:
But you're forgetting you have to first "Delight yourself in the Lord." Only when your will is in line with God's will He give you what your heart desires.
I wish that were true in all cases but it is quite clear from looking at the real world that many atheists, agnostics, and non-Christians receive (in our case, a spouse) what many godly, devoted Christians do not receive and pray earnestly for. How would you explain this paradox?
17. Jo said the following at 10:10 AM on Aug 28:
I'm with Vanessa and Andrew on the 'praising God for singleness' topic. Contentment in our circumstances doesn't have to mean contentment with our circumstances. I actually preached on this at church on Sunday. Paul tells us he has learned the secret of being content in Phil 4, then he reveals what this secret is: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Not, I can appreciate the good in my situation. Not, I can see what God is teaching me through this situation. Both of those might help, but sometimes they don't. The reality of us having God's strength within us to cope with whatever life throws at us, however, is always true.
On another note, I just noticed that 'Blessing' is an anagram of 'B singles'. A message from the Lord perhaps??? ;)
18. whs said the following at 10:41 AM on Aug 28:
This topic reminds me of the revelations from Mother Teresa's diary. For much of her life she did not feel God's presence and was filled with doubt. And yet, she remained faithful.
19. J said the following at 1:02 PM on Aug 28:
I wanted to add a little to what Vanessa and Andrew said about praising God not FOR the circumstances, but IN them. I know that this article was about singleness, but we can apply this principle to other circumstances as well. We can praise God that He sees the big picture, the He is great, that He is Jehovah Jireh, our provider, etc. despite what is going on around us. This also enables us to have a sense of peace no matter what difficulties may be going on around us. When we praise God, we take our eyes off of ourselves and our circumstances (how to improve them etc.) and fix our gaze on Jesus. When we praise God, and fix our eyes on Jesus, we not only rise above our circumstances, but we also allow God to work on our behalf.
Look at what happened to Paul and Silas in the book of Acts. They were stuck in jail, yet singing praises to God. An earthquake happened, releasing them from their shackles and opening the prison doors. This event even led to the salvation of the jailer and his household. We, too, can praise God IN the circumstances whatever they may be (singleness, difficulty finding a job, health issues, etc.) Even in situations where it seems that circumstances aren't changing right away, praise changes our perspective on them. When we begin to see how big God is, it start to become easier to see how small our problems are.
20. tanee said the following at 4:38 PM on Aug 28:
"Maybe it's our contemporary teaching on singleness and marriage, which would have been unrecognisable by Christians just a generation ago?
Maybe it's the fact that there are more women than men in our churches, which aside from the mathematical imbalance, also means that the men don't have any sense of urgency?
Maybe it is the large number of female "friends" that some Christian men have?
Maybe it's to do with the availability of easy and secretive access to pornography?
Most likely, it is a combination of the above, and there may be even be more contributing factors too.
Yes, God is sovereign, but that doesn't mean that everything that happens to us is automatically "God's will".
I think there are some difficult questions we need to ask, instead of just attributing prolonged singleness to God, or something that He is trying to teach us individually."
I think you hit the nail on the head "childless single woman!" Some men having numerous female "friends" as well as that lack of urgency (in some cases) is what I see. I'm 29, and single, I am content, but I do struggle at times. I'm not lonely, because the Lord, by His grace, as me around a group of single people who love Him and want to know Him more. It's a blessing.
I'm glad I did not marry earlier in life and I'm trying to live my singleness to the full, because there may be a time where God will call me to the calling of marriage.
21. k. said the following at 5:09 PM on Aug 28:
Suzanne - Yay, a post about singles that doesn't sound critical! :)
I would like to (kindly!) challenge childless single woman to sound a little less dreary. Is God in charge, or not? Is He able to incorporate the times and society we live in into His will, or not? Sitting there and blaming x million external factors for being single is completely pointless. Ultimately, the reason for being single doesn't matter; what does matter is how we respond and what actions we take.
22. Vanessa said the following at 6:56 PM on Aug 28:
Childless single woman - I wholeheartedly agree that the church and society as a whole have stepped away from encouraging marriage. A few of my friends and I have started talking earnestly with the pastoral staff at our church and begging for classes/sermons/etc teaching a more Biblical view of relationships between the sexes prior to marriage and in the courtship phase. While a couple of the pastors still hold tight to the "way things are" several of them have begun to take notice.
And to all the single men in their late 20's and early 30's who are lamenting the lack of a wife...where are you? =)
23. DannieA said the following at 8:08 PM on Aug 28:
I just think this post and almost all the comments were just an uplifting read this afternoon.
I say Praise God
24. Fred said the following at 8:36 PM on Aug 28:
Shazia,
The passage only applies to Christians so whether or not non-Christians appear to be better off isn't our concern. With Christians, there is always the question of whether or not what we earnestly desire is what God wants for us. We all can remember times when we've wanted things that we shouldn't have had or were not ready for.
25. Paul said the following at 9:34 PM on Aug 28:
I don't know, I'm 21 and I don't exactly like being single.
It's ironic that I turn down dates with girls who like me but don't share my Christian faith/beliefs/worldview, but the girls who do refuse me every time... it's aggravating. I'm trying to do God's will in seeking a partner, and all's I get are friday and saturday nights at home :(
I know that my confidence has taken a hit, and it's not always as easy as "getting motivated," and I also think that the "blessings of singleness" are vastly overrated... just my $0.02
26. Andrew (tlw) said the following at 11:27 PM on Aug 28:
Shazia,
Paradox is a kind way to describe it. Essentially, it suggests that non-believers get what they want whilst believers must be tested and suffer until they snap into line, before they can be blessed. This is a cruel statement to make to single Christians. The only sane conclusion to draw from prolonged, involuntary singleness is that it is NOT a gift of God. It is more likely a frustration from the enemy, to whom non-believers pose no threat.
We can pray, repent, weep and blame God and each other for our aloneness, but this takes our eyes off where we should be pointing the finger: at the thief who comes to steal and destroy what is rightfully ours. In having our plans thwarted in many areas of our lives, we become frustrated, less effective and less of a threat to the enemy’s work.
When we discuss who is to blame for our lack of relationships, we need to recognise we all struggle with sin and we are all deficient. But instead of shooting our arrows at the enemy, too often I see Christians shooting at each other.
Childless single woman,
>>God is sovereign, but that doesn't mean that everything that happens to us is automatically "God's will".
I think you’re onto something here.
Is it God’s will that men and women routinely dispense poor relationship advice?
Is it God’s will that men and women blame each other for their grievances?
Is it God’s will that the gender wars remain as fresh as ever?
Is it God’s will that we distrust our brother’s and sister’s motives and intent?
Of course not. Yet we make this mistake by rationalising that if we are single and don’t want to be, then He must be trying to teach us something, we must be out of His will or we come to some similarly well-intended though misguided conclusions.
Why do we persist in mis-labelling prolonged, involuntary singleness? The sooner we call it what it is, a blight, an affliction that is NOT part of God’s plan, the sooner we can attack it and deal with it as a curse of the enemy upon God’s children that it is.
27. Amanda said the following at 9:50 AM on Aug 29:
I am young(20) by this culture's standards, but I have longed for marriage and a family since I was a very young teenager.
Some people have brushed that aside as if it were a whim, and told me I have lots of time. Well, maybe I have ltos of time, but this time in my life is the peak time for bearing children. And time does not keep away the lonliness. I am learning to put the nurturing spirit that overwhlemes me at times into my other relationships while I wait for the man God sends.
Honestly though, I get tired of no guys my age telling me I am beautiful. Its nice coming from girlfrieds and my dad, but it isn't the same. Though I am waiting for sex until I am married, it would be nice to know that I am desirable and that I do catch the eyes of at least one eligible male.
Yes, I still have a lot to learn about relationships(never been on a date) and about God(even after 12 years), but I don't think that means that I'm not yet worthy of a husband.
I believe that God put in me the desire for a husband and for children. I am a family person, I always have been. I've taken care of children for the past ten years in one form or another. I know how to upkeep a house, do laundry, cook, etc. I am a responsible person, and I have a great work ethic. I think God had me in training for a long time, maybe He still does, but I know that the timing for marriage will never be "perfect". I am just waiting for God to send the right guy.
28. Ryan said the following at 1:03 PM on Aug 29:
Being a single rapidly approaching 31 I've been through college and grad school and have a good job now. Now would be the logical time for me to seek out a wife and family--that's what my family and friends tell me. I do desire to get married. I've heard it said singleness is a gift from God in that I can be fully devoted to God, but that just doesn't do it for me. I've also heard it said God has a wonderful plan for me and he's working it all out. Just be patient. But that doesn't do it for me either. The logical step would be for me to get married, but what if I'm not happy being married? Would having children make me happy and content? How about the next step after that and seeing them out of the house and off to college? Will that bring me happiness and contentment? What is it that will make me happy and content. Will I be unhappy and discontented all my life, just waiting for that next step? Jesus encountered this situation with the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. Jesus pointed out that the woman had been married 5 times and the person she was with now was not her husband. Obviously this woman did not find the happiness and contentment she was looking for in being married. But Jesus explained to her what it was that she really wanted--that is what would fulfill her completely. That was streams of living water she could drink and never be thirsty again. That water can only come from Jesus and we need to ask him for it. So what do these streams of living water look like? How can we identify them in our lives. I've seen these streams in my own life when I made Jesus Lord of my life, was baptized, and completely transformed my way of life and thinking. I've seen those streams when others have seen the truth for the first time came into God's kingdom. All of heaven rejoices when someone receives the holy spirit and is cleased of all their sins. When our minds are focused on eternal things, then earthy things become very distant to us. I'm not saying that the longing for being married will just disappear or be non-factorial in this instance. It is good to desire to be married. Marriage represents our love for Christ and the church (Eph. 5:22-33)and should be shown as an example of that. Only those who definitely desire not to be married should remain single. As singles lets keep our desire to be married, if that be the case, but no matter what your status in life lets all seek out God's kingdom and his righteousness (Matt. 6:33-34). Lets pray to God each day that he will take away our worries and instead channel our thoughts and efforts into eternal endeavors as we strive for his will in our lives.
29. Robin Munn said the following at 3:40 PM on Aug 29:
Well, as a 28-year-old single man, I've had plenty of time to think about this. And the conclusion I've come to is that God's in charge of the timing of my life. See, just about every time I've felt attracted to a woman and thought "She seems like a quality Christian woman, I think I'll ask her out sometime," something has happened to prevent it. Either I find out that she's already dating someone, or else I find out that she's going to be leaving town in a few weeks, or a month, for a long time. (E.g., going to China on a three-year missions trip).
Or, more recently, it's been me who's about to leave town. Going to Africa, or coming back from Africa, or whatever. The life of a missionary is rarely boring, but it does make long-term relationships difficult when you know you'll be a thousand miles away next year.
What I've done with all this frustration is learned to thank God for being in control. Clearly, He has a reason for why I'm still single. (For example, it would have been much more difficult to pick up and go to Africa if I'd had a wife and children to take with me!) So I've learned to pray "Thank you, God, for proving that You're in control of my life."
I also have learned to pray for my future wife. If God does intend for me to marry someday, then that means that somewhere there's a woman who's wondering why the right man hasn't come along yet. Well, I'm praying for her -- that she would also be able to trust God, learn patience, and "bloom where she's planted" as she waits for me, just like I'm trying to do as I wait for her.
That doesn't mean I don't still feel the deep ache of loneliness. I remember one night not too long ago where I felt like screaming at God, "Can't you see me? Can't you see how close to the end of my strength I am? Don't you know how much this *hurts*? The reason I've been unable to date anyone recently is because I've been preparing to go to Africa, then preparing to come back from Africa, all to serve You. But if that's going to be the pattern of my life, I don't think I'll have the strength to keep going!"
But those moments don't come all that often. More often, I'm able to remember the other needs He's fulfilled, and the ways He's helped me grow through all my experiences. And those reminders truly help me trust that His timing is better than mine. He's preparing me for what He has for me, and that's what I have to rest on while I wait. I'm a very different man, and I hope a better one, than I was five years ago. If I have to wait another five years (God forbid) before I'm married, well, He'll have taught me a lot during that time and my future wife will be getting a more mature husband than she would right now.
I do hope God lets me find her soon. In the meantime, I wait and see what He has to teach me today.
30. BK said the following at 6:49 PM on Aug 29:
I wanted to just send an ecouragement to the "lonely;" I am single myself and I do understand what at times you may be feeling.
When we believe that our loneliness can only be filled by a spouse we may be missing out on the other forms of community God has blessed us with. I am not saying that community can replace the kind of relationship God has intended marriage to be, but for those of us still single, possibly our lonliness at this time in life should lead us to greater community.
By community I mean church, student christian organization, fellowship of believers, Bible study group, Christian friends.
Acts Chapter 2 says:
42 They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
Devoted themselves to Teaching and Fellowship...the believers were together...every day they continue to meet together...praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people!
I am not saying that we should postponed marriage or forget about it, but maybe if God has not presented us with "the one" yet, the lonliness in our hearts should be drawing us to Him, his Word, and community with his people.
Just a thought.
31. Andrew (tlw) said the following at 6:52 PM on Aug 29:
Robin Mann,
You are to be commended in being available to service. Yet you admit to occasional feelings of being torn by your desire to serve in Africa and have a wife and family. Surely they are not exclusive. Based on your own reports, your desire to do the former is preventing any chance of the latter. Do you see this disconnect?
With your keyboard you write of your belief that God is in control of your still being single, but with your actions you demonstrate that you are not willing to be available for a relationship to form. From the limited detail you’ve given here, it looks obvious why you are still single.
I would have thought it would be better to be honest with God about your feelings rather than burying them under busyness. Continuing in this way can lead to prolonged singleness, resentment, loss of effectiveness and/or a total withdrawal from missions or outreach activities. Sadly, I’ve seen it happen.
It is not sufficient to wait around for a spouse whilst we distract ourselves with busyness, regardless of how service oriented it may be. It is not a good long term strategy and many of the older singles on this site have commented on it.
“If God does intend for me to marry someday …” is a redundant question you’ve already answered by stating your own desires. Where do we get the notion that getting married must be somehow “intended” by God for us? The Bible is clear. Most people should marry; it is what we are designed for. By questioning whether God intended us to marry, we unnecessarily torture ourselves.
Boundless is replete with examples of how to find a good mate. We need to move on from the mindset that says that if we are single (and didn’t want to be) it must be His will for us. More likely it is the work of the enemy, enjoying the scene as many Christians also end up blaming God and/or each other for being single, nurturing a root of bitterness that damps our effectiveness, squeezes the joy from our lives and further hinders the attainment of marriage.
There are many, many reasons why Christians are single longer and longer. But I cannot believe God “intended” prolonged singleness as a trial and planned for you to suffer this way. “The testing of your faith” that Paul refers to is exactly that: related to our faith, and not to our marital status.
We need to refute incorrect beliefs and work to move on and receive what He has ordained as good for us: a healthy marriage relationship in which we can serve our spouse and family. Marriage is the best outlet we have for the desires which have been placed in our hearts from the beginning, as Amanda ably described.
32. Vanessa said the following at 7:08 PM on Aug 29:
Robin - very admirable of you to not attempt to pursue a relationship in view of your calling (however short or long term) to missions.
For the rest of us NOT called to the foreign mission field, I agree with Andrew. Let's stop labeling protracted singleness with no other end in mind (meaning, missions or specific calling to be single) BAD and work to nurture a society within at least the Christian community that sees dating/courtship as a GOOD thing in marriageable aged people!
I'm so tired of the "does he or doesn't he like me" or trying to figure out why a guy friend calls every other day and texts/emails/etc several times a day if he has no romantic intentions.
We need to be taught the right way for relationships and the right way to relate to each other and the right way to prepare for marriage. Not that being single is inherently bad, but being afraid of marriage shows the need for some Godly counseling/training, etc.
33. JJ said the following at 8:40 AM on Aug 30:
Well said, Suzanne! Thank you for the encouraging post.
I'm now considering moving to Australia.
Leah, Is there an age limit for this AFES?
34. Lauren T. said the following at 11:57 AM on Aug 30:
Thanks for the reminder, Suzanne!
"Be joyful always..." has been a memory verse of mine for years and years. I don't know how it escaped me that one of those "every circumstance" things was not being married.
I will continue to ask for a good man to marry. I will also start remembering to thank God for the circumstance of not being married right now. In fact, when praying, I'm going to flip those two things, because remembering how much God has already blessed me should take precedence over asking him for something even above that!
35. Robin Munn said the following at 2:37 PM on Aug 30:
Andrew,
Thank you for your comments. You're absolutely right that as a man, I shouldn't be passive and simply wait for God to "drop her into my lap", as it were. Your comments about being torn between a desire to serve in Africa and a desire for a wife and family are misdirected, as it happens, but re-reading what I wrote, I can see how you'd get that. I didn't make myself very clear; sorry about that.
Pursuing God's calling on your life, and finding a spouse to share your life with, are absolutely not exclusive. I never meant to say, or even imply, that they are. What is true, though, is that it's far wiser to find a spouse who shares your calling, or has a compatible calling. If I'm sure (for example) that I'm called to be a missionary in Mongolia, and my wife is sure that she's called to be an elementary-school teacher in America, then one of us is going to feel miserable at not following God's calling. One of the best pieces of marriage advice I've heard was what my parents were told when they were in college: "See where in the race God has you running. Then look around and see who's running near you."
On the subject of God's intention for marriage, I believe you're absolutely right: that the fact that He's placed such a strong desire for marriage in my heart proves His intentions. What I meant to say was "If He allows me to marry", I suppose. See, so far I've tried to follow that desire and been thwarted, over and over. Often enough, in fact, that I can't help but see it as God's divine intervention, telling me "No, Robin, you're not ready yet. I still have some work to do on your heart to make you a good husband for the women you'll marry. When you're ready, I'll make sure it happens."
Does that mean I'm going to sit back and be passive? Absolutely not. My missions service is now taking me to Dallas, Texas, and I'll be there for several years at least. While I'm there, I absolutely intend to pursue friendships with lots of people, single and married, men and women. And if any of my friendships with single Christian women seem like there's room for a deeper relationship, you'd better believe I'll be focusing my attention on that friendship to see if anything can come of it.
Finally, one last comment. Andrew, I was very grateful for your advice to just be honest with God about my feelings. Again, as it happens, I didn't actually need that advice, but I can easily see how you'd get that from what I wrote. When I talked about "feeling like screaming at God" -- those words were pretty much what I actually told God, although without (I think) the bitterness that the word "screaming" might have implied. Still, your advice to be honest with one's feelings towards God is excellent, and I thank you for it. And I'd say the same to others: if you're feeling hurt by God, tell Him about it. He can take it. And being honest with Him about it right away can make the difference between an honest "Father, I'm feeling angry with You right now about this" that "clears the air" and eventually leads to better understanding, and pent-up bitterness that festers until it harms your relationship with God. The former is healthy, the latter destructive. Keep a "clean slate" with God as much as you can, telling Him everything, and you'll be amazed at how much closer you end up feeling to Him.