Puppy Theology
by Steve Watters on 08/31/2007 at 9:15 AM
I wanted to pass on another insight that came out of our interview with Dr. Scott Stanley. At one point I made the observation that we often think most of the hard work of marriage will be on the front end -- selecting the perfect mate God has for us and and then hoping it will be easy after that. Dr. Stanley responded by talking about dogs.
Yep. You know, we all fall in love with the front end of the puppy, but every puppy has got a backend. And how it works out -- this is my puppy theology -- is that it's not all about the front end of the puppy. God would hope for us great blessings on the front end, but you cannot be married and not have a backend to deal with. That's part of what you do in life, in struggling together, is you manage the difficult parts of life and the things that aren't so easy about the relationship. And if you do well in marriage, you manage them well and you actually have opportunities to grow spiritually in that. And if not, those things just grow over time to destroy what was so good about the front end to begin with.
I remember when we had this discussion thinking about the disappointment couples so often have when they shift from the fun, recreational days of their dating relationship into the dailiness of marriage and family. That can be a tough transition for a lot of people who feel their relationship has lost its excitement and wonder if they should look for someone who can bring the joy without the less fun parts. The problem in that case is not the dailiness of the marriage, but the unrealistic expectation that the recreational side would be the primary nature of the relationship. It's like someone getting so excited about a puppy at the pet store and then feeling cheated when they bring him home and find out that he likes to climb on furniture and poop in their shoes.
OK, I know you can only take puppy theology so far, but what do you think of this insight?
1. tim said the following at 9:24 AM on Aug 31:
so are you saying couples who get married can't retain their passion, love, and excitement after they marry?
2. JMarie said the following at 10:23 AM on Aug 31:
Tim,
I don't think Steve or Dr. Stanley was saying that at all. My parents, for instance, have always been openly affectionate and in love (perhaps even more so now, after 36 years of marriage). When I suggested that my dad should take my mom to see a romantic movie, he told me they were living their own love story and didn't need to go see one in film (an excuse, yes, but a good one!). However, their relationship endured many times that weren't passionate, and which held excitement of a different sort: changing diapers, changing professions and disagreeing about how to handle rebellious children. Even the best relationships have un-romantic times. Ask newly weds what they're thinking when they have to budget and divide up chores for the first time, and I bet it's not that their beloved is the sexiest, most romantic soul alive.
3. Steve Watters said the following at 10:26 AM on Aug 31:
Tim wrote: so are you saying couples who get married can't retain their passion, love, and excitement after they marry?
No, couples can retain passion, love and excitement--in the same way that an adult dog can retain much of the charateristics we love about puppies--but we just can't pretend that the relationship is all front-end of the puppy all the time.
4. Carrie said the following at 10:46 AM on Aug 31:
I like this analogy a lot.
I literally gag and dry heave if I have to clean up anything that comes out of a dog . . .
5. Tally said the following at 11:07 AM on Aug 31:
Puppy...theology...?
You have got to be kidding me. Man, am I glad that wasn't tossed at me during my pre-marital counseling.
6. kman said the following at 12:05 PM on Aug 31:
Puppy Theology? This has nothing to do with God. Puppy Analogy would be better ;)
And yes, anyone who gets married thinking it will only be fun and games IS in for a rude awakening. It's work and it's not always fun, but it's worth our time and effort. It's called commitment and it does cost us a good deal at times and it usually doesn't come with instant gratification.
7. P&P said the following at 12:33 PM on Aug 31:
I prefer to think of it as the "good parts" version, a la the "Princess Bride."
For those of you unfamiliar with the book or the movie, it takes a fairy tale and leaves out the boring and mushy parts and only includes the action and adventure.
The thing about using the puppy analogy is that you can housebreak a dog. Can you truly housebreak a husband?
8. Carrie said the following at 1:39 PM on Aug 31:
P&P, in "Captivating" by Staci Elderidge, she mentions -- in a negative light -- the sort of woman that has her husband to sit when he pees. (I do apologize for the vulgarity and I wish I could find the page reference.)
So, sadly, yes, housebreaking does somtimes happen.
9. Evan said the following at 1:51 PM on Aug 31:
Can you housebreak a wife? The male isn't the only person that has to adjust to a marriage.
10. Alex C. said the following at 5:34 PM on Aug 31:
lol. I like this analogy a lot. I'm going to show it to some of my friends.
I think you can see this problem with being unprepared/unaware of the difficulties of marriage or relationships in the media. I mean, I bet you could name tons of stories in fiction and movies, where the climax of the story is the *beginning* of the relationship (the first kiss, the proposal, whatever), as if all the most difficult and interesting things about a love story happen at the start, while the people are still getting together. "And they all lived happily ever after" It seems you hardly ever see books or movies focusing on the relationship of people already married or together, unless it's to show them breaking up.
11. Leah said the following at 1:12 AM on Sep 1:
What's all this "can you housebreak a husband/wife?"
Everyone needs to compromise in marriage.
12. Jenni said the following at 11:11 AM on Sep 1:
I really liked this article a lot! I think the puppy analogy is very true. I am only weeks away from my own wedding and already at times, during the planning, etc..., things aren't always exciting and romantic. I'm assuming if that is natural in marriage (that it's not always passionate and exciting) it can happen in engagement too. I mean, am I way off here? Is it abnormal for an engaged person weeks away from a wedding to feel nervous and not quite as passionate and romantic? It just seems to come and go. I'd love to hear some feedback on this. When I don't feel excited sometimes I get all worried something is wrong, when there are no character concerns, arguments or anything.
13. Frances said the following at 12:35 AM on Sep 2:
P&P, in "Captivating" by Staci Elderidge, she mentions -- in a negative light -- the sort of woman that has her husband to sit when he pees. (I do apologize for the vulgarity and I wish I could find the page reference.)
Life is messy. What's wrong with making sure you don't make a mess for someone else to clean up or alternatively clean it up yourself whether you are male or female? If you prefer to stand to urinate, clean up after yourself, whether you are male or female.
So, sadly, yes, housebreaking does somtimes happen. What is sad about someone having the consideration to take care of their own messes if they can't afford a self-cleaning house or cleaning service?
14. Mike said the following at 11:50 AM on Sep 2:
I will say this -- although the backend of the puppy may be messy and stinky, the point is that you don't have a dog without it. You can't get away from it. You can't change it. And the fact is that every marriage has the grind of daily life, working out of problems, disagreements, and so forth. We all need to be mature enough to realize that we are marrying another sinner like ourselves.
However, I do think that the article puts too much focus on the scatological with the subtle result of making marriage seem unpleasant. Is marriage truly something that we all should avoid? No. Paul says that he "wishes all men were like him" (single), but holds out that marriage is a holy and fulfilling choice.
You should brace yourself for the challenges of married life, but because there are challenges does not make the joys less joyous, nor does it make the fundamental realization that you serve God better together than apart somehow false.
15. Adam said the following at 5:39 PM on Sep 2:
I always thought the big problem was that men tended to fall in love with the "backend of the puppy" more than the front end.
16. Beau said the following at 3:47 PM on Sep 4:
LOL on all the "housebreaking" comments!
Usually, it ends up being the puppy that breaks the human, teaching me when he/she needs to go out.
I think the puppy analogy is great! I'll be sure to pass it on to friends. The responsibilities of the back end of the the puppy don't take away from the cuddliness of the front end. You just have to learn to deal with both.