Meeting for the First Time, Again
by Candice Watters on 08/30/2007 at 11:15 AM
One of the features of dating in our time is technology. Lots of my friends met their future husbands online. Whether on a matching service or through email, they started their relationships from behind computer screens. And as good as their connections were online, meeting offline for the first time was surprisingly awkward. Many were shocked by just how foreign the man seemed. They thought they knew him inside and out -- their phone and email conversations were so intimate. Yet they found themselves struggling to even make conversation, let alone grow in relationship.
Since it's unlikely we'll go back to meeting and mating without the aid of technology any time soon, I'm working on an article for Boundless with ideas for making the meeting-in-person less awkward, and hopefully, more rewarding.
I'd love to hear from any of you who've met a great guy online and started a friendship or relationship only to feel, when you finally met him in person, like you were starting from scratch with a perfect stranger.
What lessons did you learn? What did you do right? What do you wish you could do over?
1. Khalil said the following at 12:05 PM on Aug 30:
Well, my story is sort of a mix of technology and in person communication, but it relies more on internet and phone calls.
I have been involved in leading missionary teams to Lebanon for the past 4 years with a goal in teaching and equipping Christians on how to minister to Muslims. Lebanon is a small country and the evangelical community is as well...so people tend to know each other and know of each other. Prior to leaving for Lebanon this summer I had been praying that I would let my barriers down and be open to meeting someone. It is difficult to be in Muslim ministry (and working with women, as a male) single. I had in the past considered living in Beirut, but the time was never right, in fact, I had planned on this trip being the last trip to Lebanon for a while and meeting a special someone was not in my plans either.
Anyway, we went to a day school connected to an orphanage in Beirut, and I met Her (let's call her Nour, not her real name, but close enough). She is a strong Christian and has been "running in the same circles" as I had, so it was strange that we had not met before. I could not get her out of my mind and decided to ask a mutual friend of our to match us up. I was only in Beirut for a day or so before heading to the south to do relief work with my team. My friend gave me her number, Nour gave me permission to call her, and we started to talk and sms each other for a week. We had a chance to start knowing each other seeing if we'd like to meet. Once back in Beirut she joined our team as a translator. We spent the next couple of days serving with one another and then spent the last day together, after tagging out to my co-leader. We took the time we had in person and made the most of it, asking and answering questions and trying to share with one another what we were about (our beliefs, goals, etc). That was all in June. Since then I have returned home to the States and she is still in Beirut. We use email, sms, and lots of phone cards, but mostly email and sms. While our initial contact was in person, it wsa brief and did enough to plant the seeds of a relationship, the rest is God and long distance communication. There is obviously much more to this story but can't put all that here without using all the space :) I am not a believer in love at first sight, but with what the Lord was doing in each of our lives and how He introduced us, there is not much room for us to be blind to His hand in this. I am planning on returning to Beirut for Christmas, so our reunion will be another "first meeting" of sorts, as we will get a chance to spend more time with one another and her family as well to "test" all of our correspondences. I will also use this time to prepare for a pending move to that country. Technology only goes so far, but it has helped maintain and develop this relationship.
2. AJ said the following at 12:46 PM on Aug 30:
Most online dating relationships are long-distance in nature, and I learned the hard way that, though the distance may be great, an in-person meeting should be planned as soon as possible.
In my case, I met a really Godly, fun and stimulating man through an online matchmaking service; but I lived in Arizona and he lived in Michigan. Our "relationship" grew rather intimate through long conversations on the phones (several hours a night), emails, handwritten letters, and gifts. It was very easy to become so emotionally invested in him precisely because he was so far away -- that made him safe. I could have someone to talk about when all my girl friends were gathered and talking about their romantic relationships (as all we women do), and he kept me company through many lonely, depressed, self-pitying nights.
We didn't meet in person for an entire year, and when we did, I met his parents at the same time. It was hopelessly awkward in every way. We were clearly two very different people and personalities, but we had somehow managed to hide that from each other during that year of long-distance involvement. We spent so much time with each other during that year that, once we met in person and everything fell apart, we were both really hurt and let down and disappointed.
I've learned that the relationship I thought I had with him was just a facade, a distraction from deeper issues I needed to face (self-esteem, patience, God's timing). I also feel I wasted a lot of time hanging onto him because his attention pampered my vanity, instead of having the courage to wait for God's best for me -- and for him to do the same.
I am confident that, had we met in person sooner, we would have had a much stronger anchor to the reality of pursuing a romantic relationship. Even if it had only been for a short weekend visit, we would have then been getting to know a real human being, and not fancying ourselves "in love" with mere pictures, emails, letters, phone calls, and presents. Or we could have begun working on building a good, solid friendship in Christ, instead of the regret of wasted time we now live with.
3. Carolyn said the following at 12:57 PM on Aug 30:
I dated a guy this spring whom I had known before (though not well). Our relationship began primarily over instant messenger. We started as friends, and as our conversations got deeper, it grew into a romantic relationship that we did formally begin in person. However, the relationship in person didn't turn out to be everything I expected. I remembered the amazing conversations we'd had online, and got frustrated with the fact that never really talked when we were together. We struggled a lot with physical purity. It was as though we'd peaked on our emotional connection long-distance, and so we had to "make up for it" otherwise when we were together. Though we were both Christians, it was not a God-honoring relationship, and we ended it after only two months.
4. J. Ellen said the following at 1:44 PM on Aug 30:
As a veteran of on-line dating (a distinction I never really wanted!), I'm full of stories and heaps of advice. However, I'll try to confine my comments to the "second first meeting" topic at hand. :)
Yes, meeting someone in person for the first time is completely awkward and terrifying! But if you both expect and acknowledge that, it's survivable and can even be fun (in retrospect, at least). My boyfriend and I "became acquainted" online over a year and a half ago. We met in person five months later, and in many ways, we were starting from scratch from that point. Talking and corresponding with someone can feel very intimate. But it takes time (in each other's presence) to get to know who the other person really is, and to reconcile that reality with the figments of your imagination that you used to fill the gaps.
"Reality" is not necessarily a code word for bad or undesirable traits - sometimes the reality is BETTER than your imagination! For instance, the guys I've dated have invariably been better-looking in person than in their pictures (I guess there's something about a flesh-and-blood presence/personality versus pixels on a screen...)
Thoughts on the "first meeting" in a long-distance online relationship: Consider having the woman go to visit the guy. I know that seems counter-intuitive. My boyfriend-to-be asked if he could come to my city for a weekend to meet me. It seemed to make sense: he was the one taking the most risk, driving 435 miles to meet a "stranger" in a big unknown city (he's a small-town guy). However, his good intentions had unforeseen consequences. My entertaining him on my "home turf" set up a weird dynamic that took time to overcome.
Our first date consisted of me meeting him in a hotel lobby near my home on a Friday night. For dinner, I picked out the restaurant and drove us (reasoning he'd just driven 7 hours and that the hairy traffic and confusing downtown were best left to the local). After a somewhat awkward meal (the whole "we're great friends but feel like strangers" thing...) I impulsively grabbed the dinner tab since it truly felt like he was my guest. Mistake. That forced him into a passive role and I readily took on the "planner" role. For a while (the next few weekend meetings) it seemed like he was (literally, at times) just "along for the ride."
Over the past year we've seen each other as frequently and in as many different contexts as possible. And I'm happy to report that we've settled into more comfortable roles as our relationship has deepened. My visit to his home town helped a lot!! And over time he's gotten to know my city pretty well. In fact, Lord willing, he'll be relocating here in a few months.
Please don't misunderstand: He won major points for driving to so far to meet me and for bravely meeting my large immediate family (including dad and 3 brothers, all very protective of me) later that same weekend! I just wanted to point out an unexpected outcome of our first weekend. For what it's worth.
One last point: Realize that you're both under a lot of stress during the "first meeting" so don't expect too much from the other person and don't assume too much about how they feel. However awkward, be honest with each other. At the end of our first weekend meeting, my boyfriend-to-be and I liked each other, but were both fearful that the other wasn't interested. Determined not to be left in limbo, I wrote a "Sooo... what did you think of me?" email to send him should I not hear anything within a day or two. Fortunately, he called soon after he got home, so that email is still sitting in my "drafts" folder. :)
5. Diana said the following at 2:41 PM on Aug 30:
I didn't exactly meet him online; my former college roommate "introduced" us; however, we did communicate online and on the phone for the 1st 10 months of our relationship since we lived on different continents.
What went right: due to the cultural/language differences between us, we backed off of any ideas of romance at first and just concentrated on understanding each other. We shared discussions regarding our Christian beliefs and lives; we encouraged each other and just got to know each other gradually. When we finally met in person, yes, it was a big transition. By that time there was some romantic attraction, but I wasn't sure how it would translate into real life. I was not overwhelmed by his appearance and charisma; I doubt he was wowed by me either to start with. BUT, I knew from our months of just talking, that here was a guy with a GREAT heart and clear perspectives, and I was willing to let go of Prince Charming ideals and get to know the real person. To my delight we found a wonderful camaraderie and I found myself thinking that I'd be a blessed woman to have him for a husband and father to future children. Another thing we did right, by God's grace: not introducing the physical element, thereby clouding judgment, which is so critical when "meeting" someone that you've only previously known from a distance.
What I wish to do over: I wish I'd let go of my fears and fairy-tale requirements a long time ago! I had such a narrow mindset regarding potential suitors that I almost let this one go due to some challenges with the cultural differences etc. He didn't act and "do" relationships like American guys I'd dated; and the new approach (based on commitment, not butterflies)was unfamiliar and faith-building.
Bottom line: I think learning someone by heart first can be a viable option to the traditional meet---then "fall-in-love" method. It takes a willingness to see both positives AND negatives though, and not to want it TOO much to investigate potential red flags. My own happy ending: engagement, and marriage soon to follow!
6. brx said the following at 3:20 PM on Aug 30:
I suspect it's awkward for two most significant reasons:
1) We tend to let our desires for a significnat-other relationship run way ahead of the real relationship, building up into too many expectations, especially uncommunicated expectations and assumptions. Then meeting face to face, we kind of get yanked back to earth and our mind is racing to process the difference between our unrealistic expectations and the fact that the relationship with the person in front of us is actually, only barely past the starting line.
2) Non-verbal communication - you had lots and lots of email and perhaps phone communication where there is little to no body-languange and tonal communication. Communication experts will point out that a huge percentage, like 60% or so of human communication is non-verbal and contextual experience. So, during all that time of not having the actual non-verbal and contextual, your imagination filled in for the missing information and it communicated whatever you subconciously wanted or expected; not necessarily what was true. Then, meeting face to face, you're getting the real, non-verbal communication and your mind is racing to understand and reconcile the actual information with your mental file cabinet full of months worth of imagined/expected information.
The blog-post title is appropo; we need to get back into the mentality of simply making first-time friends without burdening them with our expectations; consider that email/phone communication almost as if you'd heard through a mutual friend. Anyhow, that's my rough application description of some communication theory I learned from an insightful Christian & communications prof, Dan Fox (I plug him because he deserves a lot of credit for helping me understand some church dynamics/politics). I really like this particular communication model diagram:
http://www.communication-theory.freeservers.com/whats_new.html
Our perception-filter is where we need the Holy Spirit's influence and healing.
7. BDB said the following at 3:58 PM on Aug 30:
Hmmm...not sure why this post was only directed at women, but here's three practical things:
1) Meals - it can be amusing to arrive and discover that while he is used to a full breakfast each morning, she usually just gets a bagel at Starbucks. Might require some adjustment!
2) Start Time - If you're staying at a hotel, you need to work out your morning communication. For example, if they say, "Call me when you wake up," does that mean really when you wake up so they have an hour to get ready and pick you up? Or does that mean call when you're ready to get picked up?
3) Be Flexible - At least one of you probably won't know how long it takes to drive places, expected wait time at restaurants, security or parking at the airport, etc., so be willing to adjust your expectations to the on-ground reality. And hope it doesn't snow unexpectedly over night!
8. Meg said the following at 5:50 PM on Aug 30:
My husband and I met online last year, so hopefully I have some good advice. We messaged through the website, then began emailing and chatting online and then starting talking on the phone (all in about 6 weeks). We then decided to meet in person. Here's a quick list of practical tips:
1. A big thing that helped in my opinion was that we didn't talk for months and months before meeting. I realize that you want to get to know that person first, but it's not wise to put off the meeting too long. If there's any possible way to make a meeting happen, do it. My husband lived 3 states away, but decided we just couldn't keep going on getting our hopes up if this relationship was just going to flop when we finally met. It's not fair to either of you to waste your time working on a relationship that shouldn't truly progress beyond friendship until you've met.
2. If at all possible, I think it should be the man that travels to where the woman feels safe. In my case, my husband came to my hometown where my family lived. It made me feel much safer knowing I had others there to prevent a psycho from kidnapping me! It also gave me great input from people that love me.
3. One way we prepared for our meeting was that we stopped talking on the phone the week before. We communicated by email only. This helped us keep our perspective a little and not become too nervous or obsessed right before we met.
4. Flexibility is definitely key as well. My husband worked very long hours at the time and although I had some things planned for our weekend, he was actually just too exhausted and we spent a lot of time just hanging out.
Meeting online worked out great for us, but I think the key was that we were meeting after we had discussed those things that were "qualifiers" for us in regards to a relationship. We talked about things that you would NEVER bring up on a first date, but for some reason since we'd never met, it was okay to ask how the other would raise their children or where they stood on the roles of marriage. We met to confirm that the other person had been telling the truth and that there was a physical attraction. We were married about 8 months after meeting for the first time and are very very happy! Hope some of this helped.
9. tanee said the following at 5:51 PM on Aug 30:
I met a young man online from a christian message board we posted on. I had observed some of his posts. They were very encouraging and so I sent him an encouraging message.
From there we developed a friendship and about a month later we started talking on the phone. I was a little too excited when we first started to talk.
We got along on the phone really well, but, we ended up getting emotionally attached because we were sharing deep things with each other. He is a very emotional man (that's another topic), so it showed in certain conflicts that came up.
The Lord had led me to leave him alone because the emotional attachment was too strong. I had an expectation that he wanted more (because he had said something earlier that made me think he wanted to go further) and he was not on that page. I had to break away so I could get my perspective back.
I met him after we stopped talking earlier this year (He lives in NY, I live in MD). I met him at a concert in his area and he didn't know I was going to be there. The first time was awkward, because I had a different view of him in my mind. He was surprised to see me and we both hugged each other for a minute until my sister broke it up, but I didn't get anytime to really sit with him. I also saw him again a couple of months later, but he is a popular person and was talking to everybody.We never really addressed our appearance (by then it wasn't really an issue), and he did look a little better in person than in his pictures.
I still hope one day to really have a heart to heart with him. We are cool, but he has some issues he has to deal with. He has met other women online and there is a pattern that I am seeing with him. He really broke the heart of another young lady that he met online(I also met her online).
Anyway, it can work, but I really think that boundaries should be in place with both people. Watching what you talk about as well as how long and how late will keep you from getting too deep too soon.
10. Kellie said the following at 5:57 PM on Aug 30:
As I've mentioned in other posts, I met my husband online, through a Christian dating site. We emailed for about a month, talked on the phone once and then met in person. We met at a starbucks (a public place is a must!) and ended up talking for 5 hours. Was it awkward? A little, but I had never talked to a guy that long in my life, so I knew he was something special! ;-)
11. Kelly said the following at 7:16 PM on Aug 30:
Hmmm... I met a guy the week before he was leaving the country. We had that 'spark' and promised to keep emailing and messaging, which we did for the next several months. Because we had met in person, we felt free to send quite romantic messages and continue to a deeper level of bonding.
I didn't see him in person for another year.
And when we finally did meet... we didn't know how to talk to each other. So much had been shared online but face to face? We didn't know how to communicate verbally.
It still makes me sad, because it all started so well, but the distance changed us both in ways so that we no longer connected.
---
An unrelated question brought up by Kellie's post... talking for 5 hours in one hit? How many people has that happened to?
My 'first true love' and I had a 5 hour conversation the first time we met, and every date after that ranged from 4-7 hour conversations. We didn't need movies or date activities, we'd just find a coffee shop/park bench/restaurant and TALK.
How many of you have had that kind of experience with someone and then ended up apart from them?
12. Nicole said the following at 7:27 PM on Aug 30:
Ok. I met a seemingly great guy on a christian singles site and after a few months he wanted to meet, he said he would fly here (I am in canada, he is in the states) but with his crazy 16 hour work days he could never get the time off. After a year of him saying he wanted to come here and that I was welcome to go there too (I didn't want to as I wanted him to come here first) I finally gave in and flew there first as I thought "we should meet and figure out whether there's something here or not". THings went really well... it seemed. He held my hand, kissed me and didn't push for more, said he would save his vacation time etc. I flew back home and after awhile his previous pattern of writing the next day and then not for a couple weeks picked up again (he's say it was cause he was soo busy). I grew very frustrated that he treated me as though things moved past the line of friendship when we met but I had no verbal mention of what he wanted us to be. We had never had conversations of our intentions of being on a singles website. I just assumed many many things. I emailed the DTF (define this thing) question and he never emailed back. I learned to find out from the start whether the person is on a singles site for friendship and maybe a relationship or if they really actively want to cultivate one. I also learned never to be the first to travel as the girl otherwise as the man he makes no sacrifice to win a prize, it's like killing the dragon and coming down from the tower to meet him.
Shortly after I met another guy (also from the states) online. He actually writes me back consistently.. go figure..My goal with this current situation was to get a verbal indication from him at the very beginning (a month in or so when we were talking on skype) as to whether he was actually seeking a relationship/ spouse or if he was on the dating site with lukewarm ideas of fanciful meetings and someday dreams of marriage (as in 10 years from now). To move forward I needed to know I was spending time getting to know someone who actually wanted a relationship (I didn't know if the first guy was even ready for one or just liked the idea). I asked several pointed questions right away to make sure we were on the same page so I didn't have to wonder and force things. Anytime I wondered I would just say for example "what do you think of my friend who flew to meet her guy first?" and "what do you think of people acting like they're in a relationship before they even meet face to face?". He answered them as I hoped he would "I would think there was something wrong with the girl if she flew first, she's desperate, aggressive" and second "how can you possibly move to that stage if you haven't seen all of the main aspects of the person?".
With good communication (if he didn't respond in kind then the obvious point would be that he is unwilling to be clear in his intentions even if it's cause he wasn't sure what he wanted), I know that we are on the same page. We have talked for 5 months or so now and he will be here in less than 2 weeks to meet me for the first time. We haven't shared anything deeply emotional (I haven't even told him my parents just seperated, only that we have family issues for now) since we are still JUST FRIENDS and have not met yet and it's far too easy to act like a couple when you're not. The most important thing has been to remind myself that no decision has been made yet even if there are feelings, even if it appears he has on his end. We could meet and it could all be different than expected.
Recap:
-EMotional purity: this includes limited communication... we still only talk on skype twice a week even after 5 months and email occasionally.
-Good communication, verbal, VERBALLY communicating expecations, intentions etc. asking lots of questions. If having questions answered is unsuccessful than the person is not ready to be intentional with you. Not ready is still an "unwilligness".
-Rationality, maturity (keep your head about you, don't get ahead of yourself). DOn't assume!!!
Satan will try to get you to sabotage the whole thing by building expecations that he/she's the one, you're madly in love, etc etc so that you go beyond what is the current state of things and get terribly dissapointed that your false expectations are not being met. There is freedom in being in the moment!
I look forward to our meeting whether we become a couple or not, I know we are friends.
13. Nicole said the following at 7:34 PM on Aug 30:
Sorry to post again.. in response to Kelly.. in my past relationships it was always the case that we would talk for hours unending. I think the point is what stage this is done at and with what frequency. I am about to meet someone from a site for the first time in 2 wks or so and we talk twice a week, sometimes they are 4-7 hour conversations. I've wanted to make sure it didn't happen all the time because we haven't met yet, so in essence we aren't in a relationship yet and I certainly don't talk to my guy friends for 7 hours so if he is supposed to still be a guy friend (maybe in transition) I need to be careful of what kind of time I spend with him.
The guys I did talk to for many hours with no moderation or discernment of proper timing were overly emotional relationships where deep emotional things were shared (even desires for engagement and marriage) but never followed through. Talking for a long time speeds things up into a fantasy land, it speaks a kind of devotion that is not yet there if done all the time. It can make you think and feel things you may not be prepared to act on (especially if you're a guy). The break ups were horrifically painful.
14. Leigh said the following at 7:55 PM on Aug 30:
I met a guy online through MySpace. It was a very unique situation and because of how everything fell into place I just knew that this had to be "the one". He was godly, witty, tall, etc. Not much more for a girl to ask for. Anyway, we "met" through a mutual friend and after a month of writing lengthy messages every day for a month he let me know that he was interested in me. I let him know I felt the same. The following month we continued to write but not quite as much, because it was around the Christmas holidays as well as he was very busy with his job. It was after "meeting" him and talking for two months that I had the privelage of meeting him in person as I was going back to CA for school. We met at church my first Sunday back...we already attended the same church and college group prior to meeting online.
That first meeting was awkward, but went fairly well. Honestly it looked like a scene from the movies. We spotted one another from across the way and kind of did this "meet in the middle" kind of thing. We hugged and decided to step outside where we could hear one another better as it was very noisy where we were. We spoke briefly and even had some mutual friends to come up and say hi, but they didn't have a clue that we were meeting for the very first time and everything that had taken place between us up until that point. He offered for me to sit with him, but I decided I'd rather sit with friends that I hadn't seen in about 8 or 9 months instead. We planned to talk after, but it didn't work out. He wrote me that afternoon and asked me for my phone number (so I knew that I must not have scared him off.) The following week we went out and had lunch and had what I thought was a good, comfortable time together.
I can say that I knew from the first time that we went out that he was different than I had pictured. He had let me see someone completely different than who he was in his day to day life. I got to "see" in writing a very well rounded guy and to all of his buddies he is mostly just the guy who always has something funny to say. He wasn't comfortable being the guy in person that he was in writing to me. This saddened me because I had gotten to know and really care for a truly amazing guy. The personality of this other guy was less than that.
We ended up only going out twice and really he had already made his mind up before the second time. He decided in literally one date and basically the first time we ever spent any significant amount of time together that he wasn't interested. I thought that our conversation had flowed, but apparently he had felt the complete opposite.
This whole thing was tough to go through...because I had grown to truly care for the guy that I was corresponding with, but I never really felt like I ever met him.
I would just like to caution you all to be careful to not get too invested in the person before meeting face to face. Because no matter how well you think you know the person it is NOT the same as when you are seeing them respond to daily life. Also, the time that you start thinking that everything is absolutely perfect...watch out!
15. annie said the following at 11:26 PM on Aug 30:
ok, my two pence worth (even though i think you have enough for a masters thesis!)
from my very limited experience, the major pitfall with online meetings is that the 'safety' that distance provides also serves to blur the lines.
it is soooo easy to have a totally inappropriate conversation online because you're not as vulnerable as you would be in person.
it is soooo easy to ask ANYTHING and recieve a pretty frank answer in return.
the other thing is that chatting online is soo addictive and so in a very short span of time someone becomes so familiar to you and you just feel 'like you've always known them'.
i think that's partly what can make the first meeting so awkward, because now the barrier of distance has been removed and you realise that you're intimately acquainted-with a stranger!
on the up side, it also means that the distaractions that come with meeting someone physically are fewer. can be fewer.
16. Steph said the following at 1:47 AM on Aug 31:
well, i got to know a christian guy through a friend of mine on myspace, i had never met him before but we developed a friendship through emails for about a month before we met for the first time, at a christian event. (he lives approx 60kms away)
the first meeting was anything but awkward! because we were honest with each other and our expectations of our friendship, he was the man i was expecting, with the beautiful personality i had grown to love through our emails and instant messaging. actually, he said afterwards that "it feels like i have known you forever" and that was exactly the way i felt too.
normally i am very wary of meeting people on the internet but this relationship has shown me that there can be benefits to using technology too. my relationship with this man has only been beneficial. he is an amazingly caring person and encourages me in my walk with God more than anyone else i have known. now, i have known him for about 6 months and we see each other about once or twice a week. he has become one of my closest friends, we understand each other and i cant imagine my life without him in it.
17. Janna said the following at 6:10 AM on Aug 31:
My husband and I met online almost 3 years ago. We have been married now for almost 2 years. Before I met him I had been emailing and talking to several other men, and eventually met and dated one of them a short while. I learned that for myself it is much better to meet the person sooner rather than later because either of you can easily (often inadvertently) portray yourself as something you aren't. Meeting in person early helps decrease the risk of that and makes meeting them "for the first time again" much less awkward. I admit, it was easier for me to meet within a matter or weeks or month because I was only meeting men online who lived near me. But, even if they had lived farther away I would have made every attempt to meet them sooner within a few months at least.
My husband and I were living in the same state, 40 minutes apart. We met at a restaurant for our first date about halfway between where we lived. It was a little awkward at the very beginning, but our conversation flowed and we realized we had many connections and commonalities. Six months later we were engaged, and six months after that we were married! And it has been great!
18. Khalil said the following at 7:17 AM on Aug 31:
Song of Solomon 2:7 (NLT) "Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer,not to awaken love until the time is right."
I think this applies equally to men as well, and is a good reminder about moving too fast. There are several instances here (in this thread) that show how technology has helped speed up what normally takes time to accomplish, as well as how low the normal barriers are versus if the communication were done face to face. We have to remember that we need to keep appropriate barriers online as we would in person, and to guard our hearts and not act impulsive or make rash decisions.
19. Liz said the following at 8:16 AM on Aug 31:
I had kind of an odd experience with a guy I was getting to know in that even though we saw each other almost every day, we also had an active email relationship. Over the course of a 7 month relationship we sent well over 1,000 emails between the two of us. It seemed like a nice set up because both of us were kind of shy and insecure and email allowed us to groom and polish our answers to each other. Because of this at least two problems happened, I found myself more attracted to the email guy than the real guy and we eventually had to make a rule that we would only have important conversations in person (the rule didn't stick at all) because we would have long exchanges back and forth that were much more articulate and personal than they would have been in person.
At the time emailing seemed like a good idea because it allowed us to be really honest and honesty is a good thing, right? But I realize now that the benefit of speaking face to face is that there are built in checks to keep you from revealing too much too soon. I also found out that I became absolutely addicted to checking my email and when the relationship finally ended I still had to go through a withdrawl period before I stopped constantly checking my email. Weird! I think if I ever have another relationship I will ban online communication from my repertoire. Even if it takes a lot longer to get to know someone, I think it is better than speeding things along too quickly.
20. Jenni said the following at 8:24 AM on Aug 31:
Well, I have had an awkward meeting with someone I knew online. He looked different than his pictures, his mannerisms were different than I had pictures, he walked funny, etc... I learned my lesson about matching websites. =) However, some friends of mine in South Carolina "introduced" me to a guy long distance and we got to know each other through e-mail and then met a month after writing. We are now engaged and will be married the second weekend of October this year! So, it's not all bad - obviously I've had a good experience!!
21. Candice Watters said the following at 9:31 AM on Aug 31:
This is great feedback; very helpful. In another day, long distance was not uncommon, though then the mode of communication was handwritten letters. I wonder if that was a better way to get to know someone far away. What is it about email, IM and other tech solutions that leads to so much disappointment?
Anyone fall in love through good old fashioned snail mail?
22. Khalil said the following at 10:43 AM on Aug 31:
I think the important thing to consider is not the mode of communication, but the content and what is communicated. As you said, in previous days the form of communication was a handwritten letter. I think we are used to the instant gratification of electronic communication and don't always use patience or common sense when responding to one another (I know I am generalizing). It can be hard to translate though from a well written and thoughtful letter to a meaningful communication, esp. if both (or one) parties are shy or have difficulty with face-to-face conversation. I can craft an amazing letter, but for me to say the same thing in person may be a bit "rough" or not as well received. That appears to be the challenge, whether the letter is electronic or via post, knowing the person on "paper" is quite different than knowing the person in the flesh.
23. J. Ellen said the following at 10:44 AM on Aug 31:
In response to Candice's "snail mail" question:
Snail mail has been a huge and treasured part of my current 1.5-year relationship. In the first month after we began communicating online, my boyfriend sent me a CD of some of his recordings (he's a musician). That kicked off a wonderful "tradition" of us sending each other weekly packages: handmade notes, drawings, postcards, photocopies of old photos, DVDs, poems, books (including the Joshua Harris courtship book, which we took turns annotating and illustrating - a wonderful conversation-starter and hilarious too!), magazine articles, small trinkets, cookies, etc., etc. It's a creative challenge to decide, "What will I send THIS week?" and it's tremendously fun to come home from a tough day of work to find a new mysterious envelop waiting for you!
Snail mail expands the range of things that you can share with the other person. But I think it has one of the same limitations as email: the longer "feedback loop." That distance can encourage people to go too deep too quickly. Or, to echo another earlier post, the snail mail/email relationship can get out of synch with the in-person relationship.
I would recommend backing away from email after the first in-person meeting. Short "Have a great day/I'm thinking of you" messages are great. But I would avoid in-depth treatises. The biggest fight that I've had with my boyfriend (so far) stemmed from my attempt to initiate a discussion of a serious issue over email. I had specifically chosen to send the email because I thought it would allow me to better organize my thoughts and say things "just right." WRONG!! Serious topics deserve discussion, an immediate back-and-forth conversation. We've agreed that from now on, important things are shared over the phone or in person!
24. Tim said the following at 2:53 PM on Aug 31:
I have been trying to find the right woman online through several sites. I make it clear that I am not wishy-washy about a relationship, and I have been disturbed at the number of ladies that get scared and run when they learn that you have hopes of more then just friends. I have always intended to meet in person within around the end of first month,, I want it clear that I am serious and interested, and that there are issues that can break any potential of a relationship in person that you only learn face to face, wether that is one week or year in, I want to find out if things can't work sooner rather then later, I do not want to waste ether of our time. Which is also one reason why I only consider women living within a few hundred miles; my state or adjacent ones. I insist on traveling to meet her,, so she has the safety and comfort of home, as well as any support and safety measures she needs or wants.
But why am I online? I'm shy, I'm picky and I'm serious, looking for someone of uncommon character and with equally high standards. And I have been happy with what I've experienced so far even though nothing has worked out to happily ever after, I have learned so much from the women I've met, I am hopeful and pretty sure that God is going to give me to the right lady, and we will have met through a website.
25. denise said the following at 10:54 PM on Aug 31:
I "met" a guy thru a mutual interest... he had a website dedicated to my favorite movie... and what started out as a 'wow you have a great website' e-mail turned into a 4 year (yes, at times i regret to admit) friendship. As we began mailing back and forth we realized we had tons in common, first & foremost was the fact that we are both Christians. After 1 year of e-mailing/IMing he began talking about meeting and in retrospect i wish we would have at that point. I adamently stated no because we live on opposite coasts and whats the point (which he always reminded me of 3&1/2 years later when things turned around). Secretly, i really wondered about the chances of us having more than just a deep friendship. so, number one don't drag it out as i did (we had finally begun to make plans to meet when he met another girl) and number two meet before you become deeply emotionally involved.
26. Sarah said the following at 9:12 AM on Sep 1:
I met my now-husband through eharmony. We actually met very soon into the process... about a week after we began emailing through the system. The reasons for this were: 1. I wanted to meet him early on, so we could get to know each other in real life and not through the protection of a computer screen. 2. he was flying out from my home airport that weekend and this was great because it was a BIG public place, it would be a short meeting (30 min before he had to go through the gate).
I loved meeting early on because I saw that who he was online was who he was in person. He was actually the first and only person I ended up meeting because he was the first and only person that met all my requirements and didn't have any big issues. We are so very similar on everything yet we balance each other out. I am very blessed and thrilled to have met such a good match and we LOVE being married!
27. Klara said the following at 6:22 AM on Sep 2:
I met my fantastic boyfriend through E harmony. We think we know each better than the average couple due to our lengthy emails - mostly about theology. The secret I think was that we were just good friends for the 8 months before we met and it didn't become romantic untill after we had spent a decent amount of time together. We didn't feel at all awkward when first meeting because we had no expectations we were just 2 friends catching up because I happenned to be in the same city as him for a family reunion.
The key is stay just friends until you meet. Don't slip into a deep relationship with a person you have never met. We have no regrets and are glad we met the way we did.
28. Bethany said the following at 9:16 PM on Sep 2:
We met on a forum for missionary kids, and were constantly on the same side of discussions and were at a similar level of bible training and understanding. Ended up emailing for about a year and a half before we finally met when he came out to this side of the US for Christmas vacation. He had written my dad about his interest in me, but I had no idea. Since I firmly believed, as he does, that it would be his place to initiate, and since he hadn't, the idea of anything more than friends never came up. He spent three days with my family, and enjoyed them more than I did. He came back a few days later for four days, and told me then of his interest and my dad's answer to him of "wait". To our surprise and excitement, circumstances worked out that he was able to come back for nearly a week before going back to college. He'll be coming out again this Christmas, spending all the three weeks with us.
I look at the time we spent together as much more for his benefit than for mine. He was seeing me in my normal atmosphere, from first waking in the morning to making breakfast with the kids, to cleaning the house, teaching a bible study, talking to my dad, etc... It was for him to see whether he actually wanted to keep up the interest and interaction. Apparently he does, cause we still write. Because of his schooling ahead still, "the relationship" is moving really slowly: only once-a-month phone calls, and emails are very much not emotionally involving.
If this Christmas is better than last year's, and if his family's plans to come to the US for furlough work out, I'll spend some time on his turf next summer seeing what he is like in the day to day. I am really looking forward to that, because I know there are a lot of gaps in what I can understand of him and his personality.
29. Elisabeth said the following at 6:25 PM on Sep 3:
My fiance and I met through xanga almost two years ago. In the first few months, we only talked online and made it clear we were only friends. We finally started talking on the phone after about two and a half months. Three months after that, we finally met in person (my Dad actually met him first because he had to take a business trip in that area anyways). It definitely was awkward at first, more so for me than him. I had to wrap my head around the fact that this was the same person standing in front of me that I had been talking to for 6 months.
Having a web cam really helps to bridge that disconnection that can happen when talking online. It makes the conversation feel more "real".
30. Joy said the following at 9:17 AM on Sep 5:
Well, I'm like the "Before" story in a blog full of "After's". For the last month or so I've been talking to this really great, Christian guy that I met through e-harmony. It's been one of those things where I sit here saying, "this guy is almost too good to be true". We're meeting up next Friday (Side note: say a prayer for me!). I've never been so anxious about something in my life! I'm telling you, I'm ready to drink Pepto with a straw! haha.
After reading through everyone's messages I had mixed emotions of relief and sheer terror. I think all of us want a happy ending. No one ever wants to get their hopes up and then be slammed with disappointment...but here's what I realized- When God is first in your life, and when you have your eyes on him, you'll never be disappointed. I think most women want to be swept off their feet and romanced by the man of their dreams, but that's the problem. When you let yourself get swept off your feet, it's so easy to lose your grounding in the Lord. So although I see myself "falling" for this amazing man, my main focus is and always will be His will in my life. I have no idea how it's all going to work out. It seems like all the signs are pointing to him, and there's no other way for me to say it- it just feels right. I just have to have faith that God is ever so mindful of my desires and needs, and regardless of the outcome, I know He'll be there through it all. So, I hope next weekend I can leave another blog that's just bursting with excitement haha but that's all in His hands.
31. Hannah said the following at 11:30 PM on Oct 8:
I know this topic has already run its course, but I have a story that just concluded and would love to give wisdom to someone else in this situation!
My sister and brother-in-law live 5 hours away. I met a great guy who is in my brother-in-law's bible study. We started hanging out, visiting back and forth, hanging out in groups...at first we did everything 'right' by Christian dating standards. My family, including my brother-in-law who knew him well from bible study, approved.
The short version is that we dated for 4 months before he moved to where I live. We had spent a lot of time together in person before he made that decision, but in hindsight, it was all in a 'vacation mode' context. Within a week of him living here, I knew it wasn't right and had to end the relationship, leaving him stuck here in a job contract he can't break, 5 hours from his friends and support network.
Here are the mistakes I see clearly in hindsight, relating to the distance factor:
1. When we saw each other, one of us was always in 'vacation mode', never having to take things seriously and the other usually took off work/school to spend time together--who wouldn't enjoy a relationship based on vacation?
2. We should have stayed friends for a lot longer. We were friends from a distance (phone calls and visits with friends) for a couple months--that should have been a lot longer given the distance factor.
3. We kissed shortly after starting our relationship. Looking back, that really heightened the emotions and made it too easy to gloss over some big red flags. (In the future I won't kiss someone until we are engaged!)
4. The distance meant that we could ignore miscommunication easily--we'd talk and it was clear (or should have been clear) that we weren't both on the same page about an issue, but we'd get off the phone and forget/ignore that we differ in that respect. This happened with little things like humor--what is and is not funny, and also with big things like where we were in the relationship.
5. When we saw each other on visits, the focus was on doing fun things and creating fun memories or on spending time with the right people--we had to put in time with parents/family, best friends, accountability partners... we didn't spend enough time focusing on our interactions--we had long phone conversations, but never any long conversations face to face. We just did a lot of fun things.
6. We didn't talk through his decision to move up enough. He assumed we were close to being ready to getting engaged, I assumed we were still basically getting to know each other by dating. After our initial DTR to start the relationship, we should have had several more before getting to the point of him moving for me.
7. We didn't listen to advice. My parents said to take it slow--I convinced myself that a few months of friendship was slow. My sister and brother-in-law said don't kiss--I convinced myself that it wouldn't affect my emotions and judgment and that we had the will-power to maintain boundaries. Everyone said don't be alone at his apartment--we convinced ourselves that since we only saw each other once every couple of weeks we needed the "quality alone time"...and ended up crossing the line we had set up.
So, now he lives 5 hours away from his friends and we're broken up. Why was it so unclear to me that the relationship wasn't right UNTIL he moved up and was living here? We had spent lots of time together, but it was only once he lived here that it was clear it wasn't right. All I can figure is that God, in His sovereignty, wanted him here and allowed the move, only convicting me afterwards that the relationship was not right. ...OR, I was disobediant and ignored the conviction (ignored the Holy Spirit's subtle voice) until I couldn't ignore it any longer.
Bottom line in my mind: The red flags were too easy to ignore from a distance--I didn't see those red flags very often so they didn't seem like that big of a deal... until he moved!
32. Lyn Evans said the following at 3:05 PM on Oct 14:
For me I have a very simple approach to meeting people online. After an email or two back or forth, I propose a phone call or sometimes we go directly to meeting up. Either way, the in-person meeting does not take long to occur. This is for a few reasons. 1) There alot of people online just looking to chat, play games, or who don't even know what they themselves want. If someone is evasive about meeting up in person, I don't waste my time with them. 2) Another benefit to meeting someone in person, and sooner rather than later, is for the very reasons many mention above. When you speak to someone by email or on the phone, you begin to conjure up all these ideas and images about them. And so many times, the reality is QUITE different. So before I and the other person invest too much in each other, it is better to know how you feel about each other in PERSON.
So I always meet the person after a few emails/calls and then I avoid this problem.
33. Emily Shepherd said the following at 8:42 AM on Dec 14:
Though this topic is from a few months ago, and I actually married the man I met online, I did want to contribute a few things that he did that I think were very wise as a marriage-minded Christian man. Keep in mind that neither of us had really dated before, so these were pretty muddy waters for both of us:
1. Though I "winked" at him to begin with, he initiated the e-mail conversation and was also the one to suggest meeting -- after just a week. He also took the initiative to ask for my phone number to call and set up the date. I have never been so nervous as I was when I returned his voicemail, but I was very impressed that he did not take the easy way out and set up the date via e-mail -- and that he was so quick to see that we had a connection and needed to meet in person asap.
2. He also gave me the option of meeting at the restaurant or picking me up, whatever would make me feel the most comfortable. I liked that he let me decide according to my comfort level, and implicitly acknowledged that I was unlikely to trust someone I'd met online to know where I lived before we'd even been out once. Plus, he selected the location, and picked a restaurant in the part of town where I'd grown up. I was impressed that he was a leader in setting up the date, but also took what he knew about me to decide on the place with me in mind.
3. We did meet at the restaurant, and he thought to call me before I arrived to let me know what he was wearing and that he was seated at the bar, since it occurred to him that I probably wouldn't recognize him on my own. Again, he took the initiative to make sure I felt as comfortable and unawkward as possible.
4. After our date (an amazing three-hour conversation over dinner), he took the initiative to e-mail me and let me know he had a great time and wanted to take me out again. There was no room for confusion about his intentions at any point in our relationship.
After nearly 9 months of marriage, I have learned so much more about my husband's character and beliefs, and can see how the way he handled our dating relationship was a true reflection of his convictions concerning the man's need to initiate and take a risk and be a servant leader. He has taught me so much about having faith and not fearing and dealing with life head-on. It was this willingness to be vulnerable and lead our relationship with strength that impressed me the most from the very beginning, and truly set him apart from all the other guys I'd ever met.
My advice to any men reading this would be that the same principles that apply when you meet a young lady in the real world should apply online. Be bold, be direct, be intentional, and put her first when you're deciding on the details of the date. These characteristics are so rare in the dating world, even among Christians, that you're sure to make an impression on any woman who puts Christ first in her life, even if the date doesn't pan out.
34. Mohammed said the following at 9:51 PM on Apr 25:
So, if we can yes
why not we can do every thing:)