Looking for a Burning Bush
by Steve Watters on 08/30/2007 at 9:26 AM
Guys, have you ever prayed for "a burning bush" to let you know that a girl was the right one for you? I know I did. In fact, my dad's experience of sensing God lead him to a specific church to find his future wife one day made me think that was the norm for Christian men seeking wives. But is it possible that we seek burning bushes because we want a shortcut around learning and applying the principles God has already given us? This week's Mentor Series installment addresses this question. Here's the setup for our interview with Dr. Scott Stanley:
Would you marry someone without knowing if it was God's will for your lives? Few Christians would say "yes" to that question. But how do we know when marrying someone is God's will? Could it be that our requests for "a burning bush" of proof might reflect our desire to avoid the risks of stewardship God expects of us?
In this last installment from our interview with Dr. Scott Stanley, we discuss how men can address one of the primary obstacles that keep them from jumping into a marriage.
1. v@v said the following at 10:04 AM on Aug 30:
This burning bush thing is the struggle of my life at the moment; because I hear so many married people with the different stories -- some got the bush, some didn't -- whether or not their marriages "worked out." I know mature believers who swear by the bush, and others who say, "make a choice, God works it out."
Maybe, to an extent, we overspiritualize our choices? Maybe we're deathly afraid of a mistake? I guess it's all part of trust. I'm still wresting, but this article was a blessing to me. Interstingly though, as a young woman, it's mostly ladies I know who want a "burning bush", most of the guys I happen to know don't necessarily follow the burning bush policy.
2. AR said the following at 10:47 AM on Aug 30:
A lot of people fail to realize that the will of God is going to be accomplished in our lives. Once a choice for marriage is made and carried out it is then an everyday choice to continue to be committed.
3. Jennifer said the following at 10:56 AM on Aug 30:
I think part of the problem has a lot to do with language. Modern evangelicals talk about being "called" to marriage or "called" to singleness, even though the Bible never speaks in this manner about those things.
By the way, inspired by recent Boundless articles on "calling", I googled those terms today with quotation marks and got 889 for "called to marriage" and 2440 for "called to singleness"!! No wonder people are confused. No wonder there's this very real fear that if you don't hear God's "perfect will" for you to marry, then you're probably "called to singleness".
If you were to look strictly on the internet, the lopsided number of hits for singleness over marriage suggests that the church values singleness over marriage. I wonder if we'd find this same imbalance in popular Christian self-help literature and in sermons to singles. We need to think about this implied priority of singleness that has infiltrated the message to youth and how it affects them. I think there's a lot of corrective work that needs to be done.
4. Andrea (aka Elena) said the following at 11:02 AM on Aug 30:
I know someone who thought she got a burning-bush-type "feeling" before she decided to marry her husband. But then later she discovered that she didn't really know him that well, that his faithwalk was woefully underdeveloped, and that he has a really bad anger management issue. If she had dated him longer, she probably never would have married him. But they're married now, and she's committed to making it work.
AR: I think you're preachin' to the choir. Boundless readers tend to be Christians who emphatically embrace the worldview of staying committed once married. What we often wrestle with is how to decide whom to marry and how to find suitable candidates.
Steve, Ted, Candice, and the rest of the Boundless crew: bless you, bless you, BLESS YOU for publishing this interview!!! It confirmed what I had already suspected/concluded and have tried to "preach" to others in my online conversations (and sometimes in offline ones)---this "God's perfect will for a mate for me" idea hinders so many people from taking advantage of opportunities offered to them.
In the past, I used the same excuses ("I don't know if it's God's will"; "What if it doesn't work out?"; "What if I screw this up??") for not taking healthy risks to get to know men, to go on more dates, and to go where I can meet more people. (Btw, am looking forward to Candice's book for women!) Now I know that such decisions are about God's principles and my stewardship as I trust Him and process truths the Holy Spirit sheds light upon and helps me understand.
The article dovetails well with Candice's "Dream Big (But Be Faithful in Little)" piece and also with y'all's two-part series "Office Hours: The Lord Told Me" (published 2.23.06 and 3.16.06).
5. whs said the following at 11:12 AM on Aug 30:
I figure most of the work is required after the ceremony than before. I'd be OK with an arranged marriage given my parents and church were involved. So much effort seems to be going into finding the right person to make marriage easy.
6. nikki said the following at 11:40 AM on Aug 30:
A burning bush? I've never heard about this test, but I do know that God allows us to make certain choices in life, and it would be nice to have a burning bush over my boyfriend's head when he proposes to me, but I think that's why we have the Scriptures: to guide and give us wisdom, so we can use our God-given brains and intellects to choose to bring Him glory. If he REALLY wants me to marry Mr. X, he'll let me know in a burning-bush sort of way. But I'm not searching for that, although I'll admit I've certainly desired it at times. I'm not the best decision-maker, and when I am asked to make a large decision such as who I will marry, I get mentally paralyzed and tend to ask for supernatural signs and commands that I can't misinterpret or ignore. (God has worked that way in the past, but those people didn't have Scripture and the Holy Spirity to guide them.) Of course God wants us to lean on him in times of uncertainty (and every other time) but I don't think he's going to tell us every little thing about how to live. There's no need for faith, responsibility, thoughtfulness or wisdom in that way of thinking.
7. Jacob said the following at 12:30 PM on Aug 30:
I agree with AR. I think I lot of people need to understand that God's will is accomplished, even if we don't think it is. I like the fact that Dr. Stanley brought it back to faith: Do you trust God enough to commit to a relationship with this person? I realize now that in this area, we are too quick to look to ourselves and our wisdom, rather than to God, his wisdom, his power, and his plan.
I think there is also the problem of expectations. We often think that if he or she is the person we are to marry, then she must be this drop-dead amazingly Godly person in every way. Sadly, none of us are ever going to find someone that perfect, and even if we did get a burning bush to tell us who to marry and when, it wouldn't be all rose pedals and violin music for the rest of your life.
On that note, I wonder if Boundless editors could find some married writers to talk about the big reality checks they had once the honeymoon was over.
8. Alison said the following at 12:38 PM on Aug 30:
Thank you, Boundless, for this series from Dr. Stanley. I think they've been some of the best articles you've published all year! And yes, I agree that waiting around for a "sign" is often an excuse for not practicing good stewardship. I think it's really interesting that right before Paul talks about the perfect will of God, he talks about the importance of the renewing of our minds. Clearly, thinking and making decisions are very important when it comes to recognizing and doing the will of God.
Sure, when you look at marriage as more of a choice or a calculated move, it does seem a little more like a business transaction and a little less romantic. But it's realistic. It's purposeful. And, I think, it's godly, when you're making the decision based on biblical principles. At least, that's my perspective as someone who entered into marriage in that way. Yes, we have chemistry, but we also had a whole lot of other good reasons for choosing to marry (and everyone around us--particuarly our families--confirmed this).
9. Kevin said the following at 10:18 PM on Aug 30:
I kind have been dealing with this thing in my life also right know. I want to know for sure. I've always been afraid and I want a sign from God but I don't always get that. I think alot of times I want a "burning bush" sign because then I feel I'm not exposing myself to the chance to get hurt. I don't want to risk.
10. Leah said the following at 1:53 AM on Aug 31:
I know a guy who rocked up at a new church one day, saw a young lady sitting in front of him on her own with a baby, and felt God say "You're going to marry her".
So, after the service, he walked up to her, chatted and over time he asked her out and they ended up getting married. (She'd had the baby with an ex-boyfriend). They're still happily married 16 years later.
And that's the *only* burning bush story that's happened to someone I know. So people, I wouldn't hold out for it :P
11. rachel said the following at 4:21 AM on Aug 31:
Fantastic article! Thanks for publishing it! It was a real blessing for me today as I had just been praying for a "sign that I couldn't ignore" (again) last night, and then got the article this morning.
I have changed my way of thinking and am now going to use my brain and God's principles for living to guide me!
12. David at free Christian resources said the following at 5:36 AM on Aug 31:
This is an interesting topic. We had a similar chat once amongst the guys at our church and of those that were married only two had had a definite sign from God that that was the woman they should marry.
I was one of those two! However, I can honestly say this is purely because I needed to be kicked in to action. God lost patience in my dithering and indecision!
It is a huge decision, but often a choice will have to be made without a clear sign. However, I would say to trust God enough that if you have brought it before Him He will show you if it is a wrong decision.
13. Kate said the following at 8:08 AM on Sep 1:
Way before I knew about the importance of intentionality or why men traditionally take the risk in initiation etc., I was sort of looking for a burning bush or something like the movie "Serendipity." In fact, a past significantly mislead and lengthy relationship began on something like the premise of demanding a burning bush or a sign instead of making a wise, educated decision.
My ex and I sat in his dorm room and pulled up his vast collection of illegally downloaded songs (in the days when this was much more common). We set his media player to random, had his roommate choose a random number and said that the meaning of that number song in the randomly generated sequence would determine the course of our action. Well the song was ambiguous, and so were all of the other songs we heard as we kept retrying this method. You'd think we'd be forced to realize the foolishness of what we were doing, or that I'd see that he was afraid to take a bold risk for me! Instead, we figured that since we kept trying to find the right song, we already knew what we wanted to hear, that we wanted to be together. Sadly, the rest of that relationship unfolded in the way one could expect from a start like that. Until, by the grace of God alone I was able to take a bold risk and leave him.
I just wanted to share one case of a relationship unfolding from such a quest, which looked a lot more like an astrological query than the direct experience of God and rite of passage Moses experienced in the real burning bush story (I am surprised nobody has brought him up in these comments!)
14. BDB said the following at 6:12 PM on Sep 2:
Hmmm...it seems to me that something as dramatic as a burning bush might be reserved for a major calling. Like, oh, for example, leading the nation of Israel out of bondage.
For marriage, the "sign" requested by Abraham's servant in Genesis 24 was much more subtle. He asked God to show him the right choice by having her go above and beyond the call to duty. He asked for a drink, she took the initiative to water the camels. No open flames, just people going about what appears to be normal business. It was the TIMING of the normal business that was God's sign. She watered the camels immediately after he asked for a drink. If it had been a week later, well, that probably wouldn't count.
Just my $.02
15. Abbie said the following at 11:15 AM on Sep 3:
While I agree that there's rarely a 'bush', there are some circumstances that I think God uses to help us make our choice. This is an idea I've gathered from my folks and from other mentors over the years. Someone correct me if this is theologically incorrect...
The first circumstance, I think, is the person's character---it must be attractive to us because it shows a desire to please God and help others.
Second, of course, is grounded in conviction, a firmness in faith that will help him/her to be a godly parent and spouse.
The third is correlating evidence. Your godly mentors agree that a marriage could work. Your parents are content, even if unsure on the things that matter least. You have both given the relationship time for careful consideration, perhaps even testing it by putting some distance between you.
Fourth, and the hardest to manufacture of all, is chemistry. God knows what you're attracted to, even if you don't (initially). I think here of Adam's enthusiastic response to Eve, and the mutual attraction of the lovers in Song of Songs.
Anyone think this list is lacking, or off base? I'm in a precarious position, I know, since I'm looking for advice here while trying to be helpful at the same time.
16. Beau said the following at 3:32 PM on Sep 4:
So is wrong to ask God for a sign?
Didn't Gideon lay out a fleece TWICE for God to prove that He was really speaking to him? God didn't chide or get angry with Gideon (even though He had already sent an angel to visit him [Hey! That would be a great sign!]). God goes ahead and gives him his fleece.
Maybe the problem is that we want a sign, but don't know what kind of sign we're looking for.
If we have an idea of what God wants us to look for in a spouse, and He removes all of the barriers for pursuing a certain girl, maybe that's the sign we need.
I think the other end of the pendulum to looking for a "burning bush" is to date every girl you know in chances that one of them might be the right one. I want to avoid both extremities.
17. Jacob said the following at 4:09 PM on Sep 4:
Beau,
It should give us pause to note that Gideon asked for a sign even when God had already clearly communicated to him what Gideon was suppose to do. That Gideon demanded signs only shows that he was stubborn, hard-hearted and afraid to trust God. Further, Gideon is the exception. We do not regularly see God's people "testing" God. That God didn't strike him down for disobedience should be a testimony to God's mercy, not Gideon's "righteous" course of action.
My own thoughts on the matter are thus: If starting a relationship with someone is not going to cause either of you to sin, has the support of those who hold you accountable, and is something you actually want to do, then why not? Relationships are good things, right?
18. J-Twinkle said the following at 10:05 PM on Sep 4:
Jacob,
Why not is a good question to ask. Why are we pursuing a relationship with someone? To quell loneliness? To satisfy our physical desires? To pacify the expectations of family and friends who believe that you should be in a relationship by a certain age and point?
I agree with Beau. I would want to avoid both extremes. But I am tired of pursuing relationships with the goal of merely getting my needs met. I'm tired of selfishness. I want to be a blessing to others in their relationships and an encouragement to them---not use them or select them like one would go about choosing a bank.
Maybe that's me, but I guess I'm more concerned about motive and purpose...
19. Jo said the following at 6:42 AM on Sep 5:
Jacob -
I agree that just because Gideon tested God doesn't mean we should all do it. But I think you're being a little hard on the poor guy. :) I disagree that 'Gideon was the exception'. The Bible is full of people who were stubborn, hard-hearted and afraid to trust God. Peter, Jonah, Moses, the entire nation of Israel...
Also, after that initial blip Gideon was incredibly obedient, and led 300 men into a battle against thousands, believing that God would win them the victory. I think God knows what we need, he's not going to indulge our superstitions but he understands what we need from him in order to get to the place we need to be. We won't all get burning bushes, but I don't think we need to live in fear of asking God for confirmation that we're going the right way, especially when we're concerned about doing what he wants us to do - he won't hide his will from us.
20. Ahnivah said the following at 6:06 PM on Sep 5:
We as Christians tend to over spiritualize EVERYTHING, and I think most of it comes from our lack of faith in ourselves, and, most importantly, our lack of faith in God. We expect God to completely blow our minds all of the time, especially when it comes to marriage. It is easy for us to resign to this way of thinking because it makes us feel better about not doing things that we should do. Paul didn't overspiritualize the need for marriage, he simply said that if you can't control your passions, you should marry. He didn't say you have to fast or pray or wait until everything is perfect or wait until all of the fear has dissapated. Paul simply says that because of our passions, each man should have his own wife and each wife should have her own husband. The marriage between Ruth and Boaz contained no burning bush, no big signs from God. My question to J-Twinkle is, why did Boaz and Ruth pursue marriage? On the outside, their motives didn't seem that "holy." Boaz saw Ruth, Ruth realized her need for a kinsman-redeemer, Ruth stepped out on faith and presented herself to Boaz, and that was it. Notice there were no big signs or lightning flashes or burning foilage, but God blessed their union and Ruth was added to the lineage of Christ himself. I think it is convenient for us as Christians to say "Oh, I don't want to pursue marriage for the 'wrong' reasons, like the desire for companionship (which is one of the reasons God created marriage in the first place), or "I don't want to pursue marriage for sex (which, according to Paul, is a perfectly legitament reason to get married). Instead, let's own up to our own fears, and let's not let our pride encourage us "satisfied singles" to feel superior to those who may want to marry for less than "spiritual" reasons.