Honor Your Parents
by Ted Slater on 08/14/2007 at 5:23 PM
There's no expiration date on the Fifth Commandment (or Fourth among some denominations). Nowhere are we released from the biblical command to "honor your father and mother."
This "honoring" looks different during different seasons of your life -- as a child, as a young adult, as a married man or woman. But the heart of this commandment remains intact throughout all our years.
So how can a 20-something who's no longer living at home follow this commandment? How can a young adult whose parents are not Christians follow this commandment? How can someone living hundreds or thousands of miles from their parents follow this commandment?
How do you continue to respect your parents while developing your own independence from them? Does "honor" mean the same thing as "submit to" or "obey"?
Thabiti Anyabwile explored these questions in his recent Boundless article, "Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother." His suggestions include "be thankful for your parents," "don't wrongly judge them" and "develop a biblical understanding of adult freedom."
What do you think? Are you able to see some new ways you can honor your parents?
1. k. said the following at 5:34 PM on Aug 14:
I read the article, and thought it was a good one. I should probably start by saying that I'm fortunate in having a very strong relationship with my parents, and that I'm not under their roof or dependent on them. To me, honoring my parents means seeking their counsel and input into my life (even if I don't choose to follow it), and speaking to them and treating them with respect. The older I get, the smarter my parents seem to get...I seek their advice SO much more now than I did at 13. :)
2. dave said the following at 6:30 PM on Aug 14:
My dad has always intended well but has never been the greatest Father. He has been married 6 times and has lost my trust. I cant really lean on his wisdom or be as honest with him as I am with other mentors in most areas of my life.
I honor him first of all by respecting the place God put him in my life. The lord showed me the depth of his forgiveness for me and how I must in turn show it to my Father. Practically I use the ways I can relate to him. Keeping up and watching the Dallas Cowboys, telling him I have a girlfriend and calling him every week or two. We dont really talk in depth as I do with other people but he still has a place in my life. His brain cancer has come back from remission and I plan on treasuring all those moments that God gives me with him. He isnt the dad I always wanted but he does love me and I can be thankful to God with what I have.
3. KJ said the following at 6:42 PM on Aug 14:
I think this article is very helpful for the audience at which it seems to be aimed - young men and women in Jamaal's position, away at college but still being supported by Mom and Dad - and for that matter, for any adult whose parents are still picking up the tab for any of their life expenses (school loans, apartment costs, credit card bills, etc.)
I had one bone to pick with the article - the statement that "the Bible reserves adult status for those who leave mother and father and cleave to a spouse." First of all, the term "adult" occurs nowhere in any of the standard translations of the Bible. It's my understanding that in Bible times, a male child was considered a man when he turned thirteen - which, incidentally, is a reason that many churches refuse to allow women to teach junior-high or high school classes, because the adolescent boys in that group would be defined as "men," and therefore she would be teaching and having authority over a man, which is forbidden in I Timothy 2:12. So to say that only married people are adults does not seem to match the Bible's principles.
Following this logic, an eighteen-year-old couple who elopes because they can't control their sexual desires are "adults," but a thirty-year-old who is growing in his/her faith and seeking God's will for a spouse is still a child; a married couple who buries themselves in credit-card debt and has to move in with one or the other's parents to make ends meet is a grownup couple, but a single college graduate who pays off his/her debts and buys a house has not reached adulthood. I disagree.
You're right to say that the Bible never gives an expiration date on honoring your parents. But since the Bible does not address specifically what that means for a thirty-year-old single, it's hard to see how far that parental authority should go. Am I sinning if I marry someone my parents have voiced strong disapproval of? I think so. Am I sinning if I don't have my car repaired at the garage my parents think is best, or shop at the grocery store where they believe the best deals can be found? Probably not. (And before anybody jumps on the argument that because protracted singleness didn't exist in Bible times and should therefore be done away with in today's culture, don't forget they didn't drive cars or use the internet in Bible times either!)
So what it all boils down to is, I believe that an adult is someone who has moved out of his/her parents' home and is no longer being supported by them. When I am married, my husband will be my authority. In the meantime, I feel that I should rely on my parents' insights in major life decisions, but do not think that I should bow to their every opinion in insignificant matters and make every decision solely to please them.
4. Laur said the following at 9:21 PM on Aug 14:
ok, this seems like the opportune moment to vent about the fact that there aren't enough books on this subject. i wrote a paper about it for my ethics class, and it was maddening - i couldn't find a single book, on amazon, bn.com, in the bookstores, or in my seminary's library database on the subject. what is up with that? i had to quote DR. LAURA!!!!
5. Laura S said the following at 9:56 PM on Aug 14:
I was encouraged by this article. However, I didn't really identify with the illustration of a rebellious 18-year-old with a snotty attitude. I would love to see a Boundless writer or blogger talk about what honoring parents looks like to a 20-something who has a good relationship with parents. This is a topic I am working through as I am moving out of state this month. I have a great relationship with my parents and have lived at home for most of my 20's so far. I know this relationship will change as I move into a more independent life. How can I move into this new season of life in relation to my parents in a gracious, godly way?
6. Rindy said the following at 6:23 AM on Aug 15:
This has always been one I've struggled with. My parents were abusive to me, and I recently discovered it was because I was an unwelcome "product" of an affair in the marriage. To this day they have rejected me. How do I honor that?
First they let me live. Abortion has always been an option, legal or not, and they did not choose that. My life has been difficult, yet today I can reach out to others because of my experiences. So the second way I "honor" them is by forgiving them. God created them as He also created me. Forgiving is giving it to God to handle. I know that I have done all I am capable of doing and yet they continue to reject. It is in God's hands. I pray that they will see but I am not bound by their actions/feelings any more.
7. mindlab said the following at 6:37 AM on Aug 15:
I have a question to pose to the Boundless crew (readers and editors):
My best friend (P) is getting married (to Q)in 4 months. Q's parents have changed their minds ("yes, we will bless this marriage"/"no, you are never to speak with P again") literally 4 or 5 times over the past 2 years after already having given their permission for P to court and marry Q.
I'll not go into more detail, but suffice it to say that it is clear to everyone in sight (friends, church, church leadership) that Q's parents are sinning in their treatment of the their daughter and future son in law; everyone that is, except the parents themselves. How are P and Q to honor Q's parents when they are being so obviously abusive.
As a further note, both P's and Q's families are members of a particular conservative Christian sect that emphasizes parental authority into a child's adulthood. I know of many similar situations in other families associated with said sect (cult!).
Your thoughts?
8. Jethro said the following at 7:15 AM on Aug 15:
To me, honoring your parents means:
1. Not confusing honoring with obeying
2. Accepting that they have a perspective you don't, and listening to it
3. Accepting that you are an adult and can make your own decisions
4. Not following their advice merely because they're your parents (if you think it's wrong, that's just patronizing)
5. Being adult enough to recognize your parents don't know everything and you don't need their blessing for everything/anything
9. Loris said the following at 7:20 AM on Aug 15:
In the case of P and Q, I would say that the best thing they could do for their marriage is to be respectful of Q's parents, even though they've proven to be capricious and hurtful. However, that respect should not trump their loyalty to each other and P's authority as head of his house. If necessary, for the sake of their marriage, they may want to put geographical and emotional distance between them and her parents until the parents understand that the young couple will not be bullied.
10. Julia said the following at 7:57 AM on Aug 15:
The list given in the article is pretty good, but I would add the following:
1. Caring for and financially supporting your parents in old age and sickness.
2. Forgiving your parents despite any abuse they may have dished out (this doesn't mean placing yourself in harm's way or unconditionally trusting them)
3. Remembering birthdays and special occasions with letters or cards
4. Calling regularly to keep in touch
5. Praying for them, thanking God for them, and asking for the Lord's blessing on them. (If they are unsaved or struggling in the faith, this is particularly important.)
6. Asking for forgiveness (from them and God) for times you were disobedient or rebellious or dishonouring to them.
7. Not taking advantage of them by continuing to live in their home and eating their food without paying rent once you have reached adulthood - especially if you refuse to abide by their rules
11. nikki said the following at 9:03 AM on Aug 15:
I take exception to whoever said a true adult is someone who has moved out of their parents' home. I disagree because I see living quarters as irrelevant. This will be my situation as I move back in with my parents as a 22 year old. My parents told me when I turned 21 (and still lived at home) that I would have to make my own decisions. I've lived elsewhere in the meantime and will soon be back with my family. But don't see how that has much or anything to do with adulthood. I know PLENTY of "adults" who live more like college freshmen than most college freshman I know.
I think adulthood means making your own decisions, being responsible and accountable for your actions, and probably taking on a significant amount of responsibility, whether that be in a marriage or with financial endeavors or with a new ministry opportunity. It means you are not under your parents' authority. (Thank you to the commenter who differentiated between honoring and obeying; there is a clear difference and it is all the difference.)
I can honor my parents no matter where I live or what my marital/family status is. When I'm on my own, it means keeping them a relevant part of my life: asking their advice and giving my own, keeping updated abotu their lives and letting them know what's going on in mine, and honoring the choices they are making in their lives now. Later on when they are old and feeble, the honoring may include having them live with us. It may include helping out with their doctor bills and other financial issues if they are unable to do so. Providing for all their needs as they age is the least I can do for the people who raised me, dedicating nearly two decades of their own life and countless hours of toil and sacrifice to help make me into a decent and respectable Christian. Honoring my parents as they age looks curiously like the manner in which they cared for me in my childhood. And we should sacrificially give them no less of our time and money, just as they did for us. That may mean choosing to not dump them in a nursing home for someone else to care for; we wouldn't like to be dumped in day care. :)
*Of course I am writing as someone who was raised by godly parents who still wish to be a part of my life, and I know that's not the case for everyone.
12. Michelle said the following at 12:16 PM on Aug 15:
Mr. Anyabwile's article was very interesting but it seemed to be written in a very rosy view. I understand perfectly that you are to honor your parents but what about the parents responsibilities to the child? In this society where making babies is as recreational as going to a football game, we also need to remind parents not provoke their children to anger as the Bible states. The Lord requires that we be good stewards over what he has given us - this includes childrens. The role of parent is one that is very important. Decisions as a parent can mold the next Billy Graham or the next Charles Manson. We have to be careful what we sit before our children as they are always watching and more importantly, learning. Children emulate what they see and if you show them all the wrong choices then many times these are the things that they grow up to do and pass along through the next generations.
13. Sam Spade said the following at 12:24 PM on Aug 15:
Honoring one's parents seems to be a subject second in touchiness only to that of wives submitting to husbands. There is often disagreement over whether honor comprise obedience and if so, to what degree. This is not surprising given the prevalent culture of the individual and personal freedom in Westernised societies. I find even many conservative Christians strain at the leash while trying to stay within biblical boundaries. In other words, there is the tendency to "do the least required" so as to not sin.
Having lived in socially conservative Asian countries for a number of years, I am often struck by the stark difference between how parents are treated here and in those Asian societies. Besides the much diminished sense of individualism, there is the added element of filial piety which is best defined as the obligatory respect and duties of a child towards his parents. This would include caring for them in their old age and seeking their approval and blessings in major undertakings such as academic and career decisions as well as relationships. It should be noted that in many non-Western societies, social adulthood does not begin at 18 (or whatever the legal age) and it is usual and expected of unmarried, young working adults to continue to live with their parents. Furthermore, it is also expected for parents to have married children living with them or very near them for the sake of caregiving. Grandparents are also highly valued as minders of grandchildren.
14. James said the following at 7:06 PM on Aug 15:
I'll tell you how I honor my parents since I live 2200 miles away from them:
1)when I call I always leave a message if I get the answering machine, and always tell BOTH of them that I love them.
2)When I talk to them on the phone, unless I have pressing business that requires me to get off the phone (like, I'm suddenly merging into dense traffic and need to concentrate), I talk to them for however long THEY want to talk to me. They're the ones who miss me the most, afterall.
3)I don't forget their birthdays, and if I don't send a card in a timely manner, I make sure to apologize in a timely manner and still send the card.
4)Hand written, heart-felt words inside a well-chosen Halmark card mean the world....don't just print your name.
5)When I address an envelope to them, I write "Mom", "Pop", or "Mom & Pop" on it instead of their names. My grandmother loves this as well when I address the evelope to "Grandma."
6)I remember my parents wedding anniversary and how many years they've been married. From my observations, this means ALOT to them.
7)If I need to make use of their resources, I always try and be fruggal, even though they're able to handle it if I'm not. They're still helping me out once and a while these days as I get up onto my own two financial legs. I owe them the respect of respecting their money and not using the excuse of "Oh, mom and pop are helping me with this" to go hog-wild.
8)Every time I talk to them, I tell them I love them. And I always mean it.
It comes down to this: showing your parents love and appreciation for being who they are. It means giving them grace for the mistakes they've made, when you realize the specific mistakes they made in raising you...and by grace it means that while acknowledging the faults, you don't bring them up or hold those faults against them. It means showing them the kind of Godly, unconditional love that they did show, or ought to have shown more, for you.
It means showing them the respect that their positions are due...not out of duty, but out of love. It is a micro-image of the love/respect we are to show towards Christ: He is due our respect and love, but we show Him that OUT OF love. Love and respect owed, yet still freely given.
You also honor your parents when you listen to their advice (if you have parents who gave good advice, no matter how little you wanted to hear it when it was given). You honor them when you love and respect them enough to keep the wisecracks nonexistant when talking TO them or about them.
Heh, it's funny. I normally don't miss my parents being around (I'm independant and wasn't really homesick when I was at college, and am even less homesick now than then), but just talking about them and how I've tried to honor them now that I'm their adult son (their only child as well) makes me miss them. Good thing they're coming to AZ in a week for a visit :). I didn't send my mom a birthday card this year, so she's getting it (and my apologies, as my dad would expect of me) when they come....and my dad is getting his then as well (with orders not to open it till HIS birthday =p).
15. James said the following at 10:02 AM on Aug 16:
There infact is an expiration date on the commandments, they expired when Christ met the requirements of the law.
Our Sabbath is in Christ (in reference to the fourth commandment). Though anybody (christian or not) does not rest at least once a week to their own detrimant.
We are no longer under the law. We are to live according to God´s mandates throughout all scripture. As Jesus made clear, it is more than just outward actions, it goes further than that, to our heart.
There are over 1000 commands in the old testament. Focusing only on 10 is a common mistake, but an even greater mistake, is limiting oneself to the old testament.
The fifth commandment, infact deals with respect of authority when under that authority and respect of sacrifice when not, in recognition of what was done on your behalf by your parents.
As far as none Christian parents, the respect can still be there, inspite of past offenses or current missteps on their part. If you live with them, pray for their salvation, obey them when it does not violate God´s commands and pray for humility and wisdom to know the difference and gracefully disobey when necessary.
When you don´t live with them, Christian or not, they have no authority over you. But typical respect of an adult and person made in God´s image is still merited.
16. nikki said the following at 11:47 AM on Aug 16:
Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that even though we are technically no longer under the Ten Commandments, most/all of them were re-iterated in the New Testament. Several passages I can think of off the top of my head command us to obey/honor our parents. So we are, for all intents and purposes, still under most (nine perhaps?) of the Ten Commandments. Please correct me if I'm mistaken.
17. Kamela Anderson said the following at 4:59 PM on Aug 16:
Thabiti Anyabwile's insight into this very real issue is helpful. However, I'm interested in how his advice would change for those who have married and entered adulthood if, in fact, that is the accepted definition of adulthood. As a young, married woman I struggle with the same issues as Jamaal and am unsure how to define honoring one's parents at this stage. It is especially complicated now that my husband has filled many of the needs my parents once did. Any suggestions/comments?
18. Molly said the following at 8:56 PM on Aug 16:
To quote Jethro from way back, he said to "not confuse honoring with obeying". I know the Bible says "children obey your parents in the Lord"; doesn't it follow that though we are adults we are still our parents' children? My question is, when DOES obedience really end? As a 21 year old, when I'm around my parents I completely lose faith in my own decision making abilities. It's like in my mind I think that if I do opposite of what they advice me to do, then the Lord will not bless me in it. Any thoughts?
19. KJ said the following at 4:00 PM on Aug 18:
Interesting conversation...seems to be a common theme here that a lot of us aren't really sure what "honor" means as self-supporting, unmarried adults.
Here's one to toss out there for the sake of discussion - what if a couple wants to marry, but one or the other's parents have decided (whether they've officially pronounced it, or it is just evident from their practice" that "NOBODY is good enough for my son/daughter" (without even bothering to get to know a person) or "I just can't let go, so I have to keep him/her all to myself"? I knew of one couple in a situation where the guy's parents would literally never let him go, so the couple intentionally got pregnant because that would force his parents to assent to their marriage in order to save face. Of course committing sin in order to get married isn't right, but what is an adult in that situation supposed to do? (Keep in mind, at least one extremely well-known Christian leader says that even if your parents are unbelievers, there is never, ever a reason why you should do anything at all without their blessing.)
What if it wasn't marriage that the individual wanted? What if it was foreign missions? To attend a Bible college? I frequently hear testimonies of "My whole family is against this (mission work, Bible college, etc.), but I'm doing it anyway," but I rarely if ever hear people bragging that they married against their parents' wishes.
20. John said the following at 11:34 AM on Aug 19:
Baker's Evangelical Dictionary
of Biblical Theology
Honor
Social term describing how people within a society evaluate one another. Most occurrences of honor in the Old Testament are translations of some form of kabod [d/b'K], while in the New Testament they are derivatives of timao [timavw]. These terms are generally used with reference to the honor granted fellow human beings, though in some cases they are used to describe the honor a person grants God.
The root of kabod [d/b'K] literally means heavy or weighty. The figurative meaning, however, is far more common: "to give weight to someone." To honor someone, then, is to give weight or to grant a person a position of respect and even authority in one's life. A person grants honor most frequently on the basis of position, status, or wealth, but it can and should also be granted on the basis of character.
While honor is an internal attitude of respect, courtesy, and reverence, it should be accompanied by appropriate attention or even obedience. Honor without such action is incomplete; it is lip service (Isa 29:13). God the Father, for example, is honored when people do the things that please him (1 Cor 6:20). Parents are honored through the obedience of their children.
The source of all honor is God on the basis of his position as sovereign Creator and of his character as a loving Father. God the Father has bestowed honor on his Son, Jesus Christ (John 5:23). He bestowed honor on humanity by creating man a little lower than the angels (Psalm 8:5-6). He has also created spheres of authority within human government, the church, and the home. The positions of authority in those spheres are to receive honor implicitly.
The granting of honor to others is an essential experience in the believer's life. Christians are to bestow honor on those for whom honor is due. The believer is to honor God, for he is the sovereign head of the universe and his character is unsurpassed. The believer is to honor those in positions of earthly authority, such as governing authorities (Rom 13:1-7), masters (1 Tim 6:1), and parents (Exod 20:12). As a participant in the church, the believer is also called to honor Jesus Christ, the head of the church (John 5:23), fellow believers (Rom 12:10), and widows (1 Tim 5:3).
While the reception of honor is a positive experience, it is not to be sought (Luke 14:7-8). When honor comes from others by reason of position or status, it is not to be taken for granted. The recipients should seek to merit honor through godly character. Honor can be lost through disobedience or disrepute, though in exceptional cases, dishonor is a mark of discipleship (2 Cor 6:8).
Sam Hamstra, Jr.
21. Louise said the following at 6:07 AM on Aug 21:
Like KJ I disagree that only those who are married are entitled to adult status.
IMO the passage about "leaving and cleaving" means that once a person is married then the spouse becomes the official next of kin, in place of the person's parents.
Once a man or woman is living on his/her own and paying his/her own bills they are free from the authority of the parents, PERIOD!
You people on Boundless seem so hell bent on getting people married, you'll print anything to that effect, I believe.
22. Courtney said the following at 4:35 PM on Aug 23:
My advice to P and Q would be that they are a couple. P has left father and mother. P has gotten Q's parent's permission. Biblically they seem to have done nothing wrong. In the Bible, Joseph and Mary are referred to as "betrothed" not "married." I don't think that is an accident. And even after Joseph takes Mary into his home, he does not sleep with her, so they are not married in the Biblical sense. Yet when they have to leave to the town where they were born for a census, Joseph takes Mary with him. She does not stay with her family but goes with the man who is now the head of her household. She is considered part of his family for the purpose of the census because he has already left father and mother for her and she has already made a commitment to him. If parents state that they do not approve of a marriage after the wedding, does that mean P and Q should divorce? The only thing they have to do to be married at this point in their relationship is live together and sleep together. The commitment of the heart, which is the part that matters most anyway, is already there. These parents have the idea totally wrong. The Bible also commands parents to not exasperate their children. As has already been said, honor should not be confused with obedience. Where children are commanded to obey, it says "obey your parents IN THE LORD." If P and Q have already made a commitment to each other AND to God, then breaking that commitment may be obedient to Q's parents, but it would be ignoring the "in the Lord" part of the command. Not that I got any impression that P and Q are planning on breaking anything off. :)
23. aisha johnson said the following at 11:05 AM on Jan 14:
This has been very informative for me and i am very glad to know that i am not the only person having doubts or questions about this subject. My question however is not just about honoring ones parents in showing respect or love. It gets a little more complicated than that. I am in my mid twenties and i am engaged to be married very, very soon. I have been finanacially supporting my mother for quite sometime now even though she is capable of supporting herself. I have made many sacrefices and even went without so that she could be financially taken care of. I have even given up my certain desires to meet her materialistic wants. I feel that i am being taken advantage of and not appreciated. My mother is suppose to be a godly woman, she is the one who introduced me to christianity and i have often wondered if she sees any wrong on her part. Now that i am soon to be married this is beginning to pose a problem between my soon to be husband and i. He is a very kind and generous man therefore he understands my desire to take care of my mother's financial needs but it angers him because he sees that i am being taken advantage of by my mother in many ways. She does not only expect for me to fulfill her financial needs but also her materialistic desires. I really need help deciding what to do. I want so terribly to follow gods will and obey him but is there a limit ot how far i should go in honoring my parent? is there a line that should be drawn? at what point does a parent begins to take advantage of this commandment and at what point do i say its enogh? or do I? everyone i have spoken to cant believe the demmands that has been put on me by my mother. not only she expects me to take care of her financial needs but also her materialistic desires as well as giving her extravagant gifts. I have always wanted to give my mother what she desires but it is so much harder when it is expected of you at any cost...i need some guidance
thank you