Choosing After Making a Choice
by
Steve Watters
on Aug 23, 2007 at 4:33 PM
I enjoyed Denise's post about choosing to love. That choice is a key ingredient for a loving relationship, but it comes on the other side of what's proving to be an almost impossible task -- choosing who to love.
It's an issue Thomas Jeffries addressed in a Boundless article a while back. In that article, Jeffries talks about how difficult it's become for us to make good choices -- about purchases, work, faith, relationships, etc. -- in a world of overwhelming choices. He includes a key quote from the book The Paradox of Choice, where Barry Schwartz explains how our range of choices can tyrannize us:
When people have no choice, life is almost unbearable. As the number of available choices increases ... the autonomy, control and liberation this variety brings are powerful and positive. But as the number of choices keeps growing, negative aspects of having a multitude of options begin to appear. As the number of choices grows further, the negatives escalate until we become overloaded. At this point, choice no longer liberates, but debilitates. It might even be said to tyrannize.
Have you noticed this? Do you find yourself standing in shopping aisles paralyzed by choices that used to be easier to make? Do you find yourself wishing for fewer buttons on a remote control instead of for more? Do you often second guess the choices you've made and wonder if you should have explored your options more? Do you see the anxiety of choice-making spilling over into other areas of your life?
1. Jo had the following to say on Aug 23 at 5:16 PM:
This is off-topic but I don't know where to put it!
My one compaint with Boundless: too many posts. It seems like we just get our teeth into a discussion and then it disappears off the 'recent posts' list. I'm very happy to see a new post every day, but three or four... it just feels like too much. I want more time to really chew over each one and discuss it properly with other readers. It feels like just as a conversation is getting really good and challenging, it's called to a halt by a dozen new topics.
Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me?
Minor gripe over. :)
2. Fred Walker had the following to say on Aug 23 at 9:44 PM:
The problem I have is, do I choose someone who I can do the most for? Because I don't know any couples who haven't had something special with each other or anyone who has married someone without receiving something in return. If marriage is about sacrifice and choosing love, why don't we pursue the unattractive, clumsy, spiritually immature person?
3. Nelson had the following to say on Aug 23 at 11:06 PM:
Nature of a blog, I suppose :)
4. BDB had the following to say on Aug 24 at 12:16 AM:
Jo wrote:
>>Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me?
Minor gripe over. :)<<
Yes - also, since the threads aren't linked, conversations get split into pieces...the "callings" one was a good example. The "General Calling" post could have been added as a comment and kept the discussion going.
For instance, this one splits of another post...an interesting "choice."
5. kman had the following to say on Aug 24 at 6:13 AM:
I like the numerous posts. I'm not going to be as interested in some posts as others. I'll most of the time find something that provokes thought and or comments from me.
A forum would be best for the longer discussions. Which would have my vote as well...just make sure they're moderated effectively.
6. Kate had the following to say on Aug 24 at 8:06 AM:
A few years back I was involved in a rather strange class discussion about having so many choices in modernity...
At a public university (in a class full of students who were in inclined to be wild relativists, challenging all authority etc.!) we were discussing how much choice has come about in life since the world wars, women's rights, civil rights, technology, etc.
Instead of praising modernity, they reached a consensus of despair! They were looking back on "former times" as very nice, because everyone had a pretty set path of life in front of them and they didn't have to figure out or decide what to do. They lamented about how overwhelming it is to have the responsibility to choose from 100,000 options on your own about where to go with your life. I couldn't believe it. When I brought up the idea of well, what if you didn't like your father's profession or the man you were supposed to marry, weren't you so much more limited then? They felt like the stress of how things are for them now outweighed those important factors. It was so strange, and anecdotal I suppose, to see a whole group of students so uncharacteristically conclude these things.
7. Carrie Lea had the following to say on Aug 24 at 10:34 AM:
One thing that annoys me about the plethora of choices is how it affects inventory at stores. So many new products come out every year that the stores end up dropping some really great older products in favor of trying out the new ones.
Wal-Mart is especially bad about this. I might find a quality photo album, a good detangler, etc., but Wal-Mart eventually stops carrying it! Then, the search begins anew for a product that meets my standards.
8. Andrea (aka Elena) had the following to say on Aug 24 at 11:09 AM:
I'm totally sold on "choosing to love" and living out what you've chosen to do. I've already done that with friends, family, and church.
The thing is... choosing wisely whom you will choose to love for a lifetime as spouse.
Each component on its own is not enough:
* both are Christians
* both on same page about marriage and raising children
* both have good character
* compatibility in ministry vision, goals, values, and personalities
* mutual attraction/chemistry
* being in love
It's got to be the entire package of those components.
Another challenge I have is figuring out which criteria for choosing a husband are essential, useful but not necessarily essential, or unrealistic and then ranking the criteria that stay as part of the filter.
For example:
"Speaks Spanish" used to be a criterion for my future husband. Now it is "does not disdain Spanish or Hispanic culture and is open to learning more about it." (I took 6 years of Spanish and very much enjoy Spanish/Hispanic culture. That has become part of who I am. For a man to act haughty towards Spaniards/Hispanics/Latinos, to have disdain for those cultures, and to refuse to ever visit a Spanish-speaking country [one of my dreams for travel is to go to Spain] would be tantamount to rejecting me. He doesn't have to love it as much as I do. But I don't want to be with someone who hates it either.)
Now... how important should that criterion be on the hierarchy of criteria? I'm still figuring that out.
That's just one example.
Make sense?
9. BDB had the following to say on Aug 24 at 12:00 PM:
Andrea (aka Elena) wrote:
>>That's just one example.
Make sense?<<
Si.
Entiendo "Salsa Guy" muy bueno ahora.
10. Robert J Espe had the following to say on Aug 24 at 12:35 PM:
Kate's comment made me think of a book someone once recommended to me called "The Progress Paradox" (I never read it), about the idea that the more advanced we get, the smaller things we find to complain about. For example, the students in her class were complaining about the stress of choosing how to order their life, but none of them would actually want to be told what to do (if they do, make them into to serfs on the spot, could be fun bringing back anglo-feudalism)
Ancient Israel was the same way. They had God ruling them directly, and they wanted a king, even though they knew it would be worse.
Any time I get too dissatisfied, I just remind myself that my wife probably won't die in childbirth, most (if not all) of my children will survive to adulthood, and I don't have to fight off yearly raids by viking raiders (unless you count the IRS, who use the exact same danegeld system as the vikings...). That, combined with a working toilet makes life look a whole lot brighter.
11. Ivy had the following to say on Aug 24 at 12:52 PM:
I definitely think there are too many choices out there for us nowadays. And this goes into the marriage choices, too. It used to be there was a village, you lived in that village, you married from the village, you died in that village. Now there is internet, everyone moves across the country, or across the world, and it's hard to narrow down our options. I like having free choice, but it does make it harder to make good choices when there are so many options out there.
12. Carrie had the following to say on Aug 24 at 1:35 PM:
Andrea (aka Elena)
I had a very interesting discussion with a close friend of mine several weeks ago about "extra" criteria for choosing a spouse. I think it would be impossible to accurately summarize the 3 hour conversation. However, I think thanks to your post I'm understanding more of what she was saying and how I can better rely my point-of-view on the subject.
What it all boiled to, as best as I can remember, was that I thought (Christian) people often have a too detailed "list". While she was thought that "the list" needs a few details.
I think that maybe we can often be too specific and I'm glad to see that you've relaxed one of your standards.
13. Andrea (aka Elena) had the following to say on Aug 24 at 2:42 PM:
¡Qué bueno! ¡Hablas español! ¡Certamente!--->Tu vivas in California. ;o) ¿Correcto?
¿Y has leído mi blog?
SalsaGuy es un apodo perfecto para mi amigo porque le gusta bailar. Y cocinar. Y comer salsa. (Solamente es amigo. No es novio. ¡De veras!)
Un novio pasado no le gusta la cultura latina. Y no quería de viajar a España. (Él visitó Chile para un proyecto de trabajo, y no le gustaba la país.) Qué triste...
My Spanish is rusty, by the way.
Did you learn Spanish in school/college or after? Do you use it much?
Urm.... back to your regularly scheduled comments thread! ;-]
14. Andrea (aka Elena) had the following to say on Aug 24 at 3:05 PM:
Carrie,
Thank you!
I don't think it's the number of details on the "list" that is the problem. The whys/wherefores of the presence of those components (details) on the list are more important. Some think that particular components are on the must-have/can't-stand level, but those components are actually more like "yeah, that would be nice; but it's not essential."
The more I interact with people who are different from me and the more I observe the marriages of people close to me, the better I am able to understand the components of my "filter," why they are there, which ones need to be added and why, and which ones need to be removed and why....and how to arrange the hiearchy of those components.
Anyone else learned such lessons? Anything from those lesson you'd like to share?
15. Samuel PG had the following to say on Aug 24 at 6:54 PM:
Jo,
I agree with you. When this many new blog posts are published at once I find it overwhelming and generally do not read any of them. I come back later to post unless I have a glut of free time (as I have this past week).
16. BDB had the following to say on Aug 24 at 9:44 PM:
>>Did you learn Spanish in school/college or after? Do you use it much?<<
High school, actually. Same teacher - from Puerto Rico, so we never learned Mexican Spanish. At least I can read it. Can't keep up in conversation, though, so I'm not good enough for work. But it IS fun to have a group of employees chattering away in Spanish, and the first time I ask them a question in Spanish, their jaws drop, and they don't do that in front of me any more.
But I had a friend in college who was a Spanish major. Every once in a while she would get into a "mood" and refuse to speak English for an evening. But it came in handy in one job - at an English Language School. Some of the Japanese students wouldn't follow the "speak English in the office" rule. So, whenever they were talking to each other in Japanese, my boss and I would switch to Spanish, and they would start apologizing...
Another time an Italian student who was fluent in Spanish figured out that the bus system had an entire Spanish routing system. He would disappear for hours at a time...taking the bus to various beaches he wanted to see...I'd have to explain activity instructions to him in Spanish and he'd explain it to the other Italian students in Italian.
I've never been to Chile for work, but I went to Chilli's after work tonight...
17. Alex C. had the following to say on Aug 24 at 11:13 PM:
quoted from Kate:
"...everyone had a pretty set path of life in front of them and they didn't have to figure out or decide what to do. They lamented about how overwhelming it is to have the responsibility to choose from 100,000 options on your own about where to go with your life."
You know, I agree with them! This is one of the things I'm currently struggling with in my life, trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life after I finish college. I'm getting an Economics degree, but I don't really know where to go with it, and I never really had any particular career in mind during my life (any time someone asked me "what do you want to be when you grow up" I answered "I don't know") I know what I DON'T want to do, lol, but not much else. Every once in a while I do wish that someone else would just plan out my life for me.
Having too many choices can be very overwhelming. Before I got to College I was really worried because I knew that I'd have to choose my own classes and major, and I didn't know what I'd want to take.
quote from Robert:
"the idea that the more advanced we get, the smaller things we find to complain about."
LOL, I think "Seinfeld" has already proved that hypothesis right.
18. Jo had the following to say on Aug 25 at 2:01 AM:
Nice to know I'm not alone in my minor gripe. :) But, I thought I'd actually contribute to the discussion this time!
I wonder if our preoccupation with God's plan and our calling, is in part a reaction to this problem. We find the amount of choices available to be difficult, even frightening and we retreat into our idea that no matter how many choices the world gives us, God will lead us on the right path.
Not that it really helps, because then we somehow have to pray through / sort through all the options to find the elusive 'Godly' choice.
I might be wrong, but I'd suggest that the idea of trying to find God's will in areas like career and marriage was probably less of an issue when 'everyone had a pretty set path of life in front of them'.
I don't know, it's just a thought - and I'm not saying that God doesn't have specific plans or callings for us. I think he often does, but not necessarily in every situation. I think some people are called to particular careers, but not everyone. And I do think sometimes our discomfort with the range of choices we have makes us nervous of making mistakes, and so we seek reassurance that God is engineering it all behind the scenes.
19. Ellie had the following to say on Aug 25 at 9:49 PM:
I'll admit....I'm at a point where so many choices can just about paralyze me! There are the big ones that I don't even know how to tackle yet (what do I do after college?) and then which pair of jeans to buy, or which kind of bread, even!
I don't know why I'm so indecisive, but there it be. I wonder if my utter confusion on the big things ends up manifesting itself in the little choices, as some sort of vent?
20. Lauren had the following to say on Aug 26 at 1:32 AM:
Fred wrote "If marriage is about sacrifice and choosing love, why don't we pursue the unattractive, clumsy, spiritually immature person?"
Fred, I don't think love and sacrifice mean we have to pursue someone unattractive, clumsy, and spiritually immature. I know I wouldn't enjoy being with a person who had those characteristics, and I sure wouldn't want to make a vow to be committed for the rest of my life to them. It sounds like a noble sentiment, but I think something is missing here. Along with sacrifice, I believe God intended marriage for our enjoyment as well, because He is GOOD. It's not wrong to appreciate beauty and goodness in another person. It's not selfish to receive pleasure from a relationship, especially when it is Christ centered.
21. Don had the following to say on Aug 26 at 2:45 AM:
I've never really felt overwhelmed by choices. Maybe I've just always known what I want to do. I could spend all day second-guessing my choices, but it's not going to change the fact that I made my choice, so I prefer to make my choice and deal with the consequences of it, good or bad.
22. Blair Huff had the following to say on Aug 27 at 12:16 PM:
I just moved from California to Virginia. It was the first "big" choice I have made for a long time. I realized that my fear of making choices was causing my life to stay at a stand still so I just decided to move. Since I have family in Virginia I decided it would be a good change. Some people asked me if I felt this is where God was leading me, and all I could say was maybe. I did not feel God telling me no and the $99 airplane ticket I found seemed like a good enough sign to me. Someone once told me, "God can't steer a ship that's not moving", so here I am moving. Maybe I took that advice a little too literally :). My point is that I do not think we need to be anxious about the choices we make whether it be who we marry or where we move or go to school. If we stay focused on loving God and loving others we will be in God's will.
23. Fred Walker had the following to say on Aug 27 at 7:30 PM:
Lauren, you said, "I know I wouldn't enjoy being with a person who had those characteristics, and I sure wouldn't want to make a vow to be committed for the rest of my life to them. It sounds like a noble sentiment, but I think something is missing here."
That's exactly my point. Sometimes people forget when talking about marriage (and love and sacrifice) that we wouldn't marry if we didn't benefit from it.