You Probably Don't Have "The Gift of Singleness"

You Probably Don't Have "The Gift of Singleness"
by Ted Slater on 07/30/2007 at 12:00 PM

This topic has been hashed and rehashed for centuries, and I hesitate to bring it up again. I don't want to open wounds or incite contention. I don't want to hurt anyone or lead them to feel condemned.

For no particular reason, though, I found myself awake in bed late last night, wrestling with this issue. What is it? Who has it? Is "singleness" a gift? And so on. I believe the Lord laid it on my heart to raise it again in order to dispel misconceptions about it and to stir up hope and renew your motivations.

The term is drawn from 1 Cor. 7:6-9:

Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

It is clear that the "gift" refers to a freedom from "burning with passion" in order to focus all one's energies on serving others in a perpetually non-married state, unencumbered by the joyful responsibility of spouse and kids. I can't relate to this gift, but a few (such as Paul, Jesus, John the Baptist, "eunuchs," Manuel Arenas and others) were given this gift so that they might best serve God and others in that capacity.

So what is the "gift of singleness"? It is not singleness itself. If you find yourself single, you most likely don't have the "gift of singleness." Your state is a gift -- but only as much as life is a gift; it may sound harsh, but there's nothing uniquely special about your singleness itself.

The state of singleness is not a sin -- though some singles' motivations for prolonging it are sinful, and the temptations to sin sexually during an extended season of singleness are heightened, often resulting in sexual sin. Calling singleness a "gift" facilitates prolonging this season of sexual temptation, and that contributes to the problems of sexual sin plaguing single adults.

The thing is, just as singleness is not itself "sin," it's also not a "gift."

Too many people say, "If you are single, then you have the gift of singleness." That sounds cute, and affirms those who are single, but it's unbiblical and meaningless and unhelpful. It's just wrong. Again, Paul clearly says that if you "burn with passion," then you don't have the "gift of singleness" and you "should marry." Would Paul command those with the "gift of singleness" to reject that gift and instead pursue marriage? No, he wouldn't. And so "if you are single, then you have the gift of singleness" is pure unbiblical vapidity.

On the other hand, marriage and kids are gifts, things given to us by God and clearly considered blessings by Scripture.

God wants people married. I'm not a "marriage mandate" advocate by any means, but I do see how God expects people to marry. He's commanded it in Scripture (Genesis 1:27-28) and affirms it by putting into the vast majority of us the passionate desire to "know" (in a sexual sense) another person intimately. The only way that desire can be fulfilled in a God-honoring way is within marriage.

If you desire marriage, if you "burn with passion," then you do not have the "gift of singleness." If you burn with passion, take that as a sign from God that you should be preparing for married life. And if you're at a "marrying age," with the blessing of your parents or mentors, you are free -- even encouraged -- to pursue it. As Paul wrote, you "should marry."

(I can hear the complaints already, from women who are "older" and discouraged that they're still single, from men who continue to be rebuffed by women they pursue, by those whose careers inhibit their being able to be in marriage-minded relationships, from those who live in small towns or attend small churches where there are few options. While you're free to express your complaints below, my hope is that you'd instead try to dig into what Paul is saying in the passage of Scripture I referenced above, that you'd humbly and prayerfully examine your heart in an effort to determine what God would have you do now. My intention is to inspire hope -- if you feel that passion, then God is for you, and eager to conspire with you to bring about the end for which that passion exists: marriage.)

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1. xeres said the following at 12:13 PM on Jul 30:

Not this again, Ted, although you do have a point there....

the GoS/GoC supporters and the marriage mandate supporters (not you guys but other people I won't name) have one thing in common: their theology and worldview on marriage and celibacy is very seeker-friendly and outcome-based, not mention very overanalytical and overtheorized. Both supporters are also driven by those who have the entitlement complex.

2. Laura said the following at 12:25 PM on Jul 30:

Ted, sometimes, to be honest, your blogs rankle me. This is not one of those times. Few things frustrate me more than a man or woman who struggles with sexual temptation but who takes no steps to get married (or indulges in angsty navel-gazing to figure out if he or she has the "gift of singleness"). I appreciate your candor and graciousness in addressing this topic.

I would modify your position ever so slightly, however, to say this: From the perspective of service for the Kingdom, I would say that being single IS a gift. How many married couples do you know who have the kind of free time and flexibility to babysit at the drop of a hat for a mom at her wits' end? Or to dedicate a summer to serving at a camp for developmentally disabled kids? Or to spend six weeks in China blessing a missionary couple? Sure, there probably are a few, but this season of my life gives me unparalleled opportunity to serve and bless my community in a way that I probably won't be able to repeat when my primary ministry focus will be my husband.

Just a teensy quibble, really.

Thanks again, Ted.

3. Tami said the following at 12:26 PM on Jul 30:

Thanks, Ted. You folks do pray for us, right? :)

4. Susie said the following at 12:36 PM on Jul 30:

All I can say is THANK YOU Ted!!! I know a lot of 30-ish single women where I live, women who want to be married and are asking "where are all of the godly men?" and wondering how it all works. We get tired of hearing about "the gift of singleness" when we want the blessings of marraige instead. Ok, I'll stop whining now. But thank you so much.

5. Adam said the following at 12:40 PM on Jul 30:

I agree with your article completely and know that I am one who 'burns with passion'. I am still young however (only 23) and would like to prepare myself for future marriage, so where can I find articles here specifically for young men to efficiently prepare?

6. John said the following at 12:56 PM on Jul 30:

I agree with you that singleness does not equal "the gift of singleness," especially in the light of Pauls' teaching. The circumstance of singleness is not the same thing as the calling.

But take the case of a man (or woman) who is still unmarried in his (or her) early forties. A casual observer might say that this person has successfully lived as a single adult for two decades, and therefore must have the gift of singleness, when in reality that person is still struggling with natural urges and yearning more than ever for the marital happiness that has, thus far, eluded him or her. There are a lot of folks who, for one reason or another, did not marry in their early 20s. (Perhaps things would have been different had Boundless been around 20 years ago, but then again, it would have been hard to read without access to the internet.)

Singleness can persist without it being a gift or calling. Long-term singles need not abandon hope.

7. Carrie said the following at 1:04 PM on Jul 30:

Thanks for the disclaimer!
Also, thanks for a real and honest post. I have long wondered about the "burning with passion" piece of Scripture. Your post is an encouragement. Just because we feel called to get married though, doesn't mean we actually will. Our godly desires still have to battles to fight in a fallen world. This is where I struggle the most. Just because something is good, doesn't mean its going to happen. That's the great thing about heaven -- we will have ultimate fullfillment. All of the ways in which The Fall destroyed any chance of true fullfillment on earth will be destroyed when we are united to Christ for all of eternity.

8. anon said the following at 1:07 PM on Jul 30:

Sorry, people have not been hashing over the 'gift of singleness' for centuries. This idea is only about 30-35 years old. Paul never said those words, nor did he say 'gift of marriage'.
However I do thank you for this post. It is true that too many well meaning idiots tell us that God wants you to be single or maybe you have that gift or you are not supposed to change your calling. Yes Paul did say that later in I Cor 7, but there is a difference between a person's calling and their current circumstance.

9. J.T. said the following at 1:08 PM on Jul 30:

My opinion is this: singleness is a choice. Yes, you read that right. This, by the way comes directly from Jesus. In Matthew 19:1-12, Jesus is doing what he normally did to a group of pharisees. Jesus, His disciples, and the religious leaders had gotten into a "discussion" about marriage. I'll pick it up in verse 10: Jesus' disciples then said to him, "Then it is better not to marry!"
"Not everyone can accept this statement," Jesus said. "Only those whom God helps. Some are born eunuchs, some have been made that way by others, and some CHOOSE not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone who can, accept this statement." (Matthew 19:10-12 emphasis mine)

Jesus said we can choose not to marry for His Kingdom's sake. These people could be married, but lay it aside to serve God. Now, I can hear some of you say, "but the ones who burn with passion! They need to get married." My God is bigger than any passion you're going to burn with, and He can take it away.

10. J.e.n.n.a :D said the following at 1:33 PM on Jul 30:

hahahah.. That is an AWESOME disclaimer :)

I'd like to think that everything in moderation is definatly the way to go, and I think that you, Ted, in this post have "moderated" the 2 views well.

I think the hardest thing for singles today in understanding this concept is whether this "singleness" is something that we are called to live under.. like the manuel guy stated.. meaning that we are to "die to self/that burning with passion" in order to follow his command, or if it is something that you naturally fall in to, like some people naturally fall in to leadership positions, serving positions, ect..

Some times I wish we had a time portal - just to be able to go back in time and see how Paul lived his life.. what he was doing as he wrote these things.. words are great, and studying history gives some context, but I do not think they are 3-D enough to give us the best understnding possible.. We learn best from someone by observing and mimicking - correct?.. and I, for one, understand better what to do and not do by witnessing the action or event. I love being a student of people, and I am convinced that Paul would have been one of those people for whom the video camera should have been invented 2000 years earlier than it was :)

11. Megan said the following at 1:47 PM on Jul 30:

Thank you for writing this. I had forgot this verse and was in need of hearing it. As of late, I have be discouraged about not being in a relationship, but this does give me hope. Hope that God does know the desire of my heart, he knows of my passion to marry, and that he encourages me to be ready for when the time is right. So thank you for the reminder.

12. Frannie said the following at 1:57 PM on Jul 30:

I for one am positive that I don't have this gag-gift, the "gift of singleness."
At twenty-four years old, I am focusing on finding a suitable man to love and to marry. And I hear from EVERY corner, "don't rush, date around, you're still SO young." I have so many friends--gorgeous young women with successful careers and gentle spirits--who are patiently waiting, trying to allow men the masculine role of pursuer. And to be fair to the gentlemen, I know many young men who, despite their good jobs and great characters, can't seem to find lasting love (or really, even a first date).
Even in the church, we are admonished not to marry too young, not to even consider anyone less than "God's best," and above all, not to look desperate. I find it so sad that the church's most obedient children are not allowed to express a very real need that they are experiencing for fear of being judged as "weak," "boy crazy," or co-dependent. This inability to be vulnerable is created by a spirit of fear. And we should not live in fear.

Now, I'm praying that the man I am dating is thinking marriage (we have a scheduled DTR coming up). If not, then it's back into the singleness-glorifying pool for me.

Keep on encouraging young men and young women to admit their need for love, commitment, and companionship. Because the culture at large is very hostile to such ideas.

13. v@v said the following at 2:06 PM on Jul 30:

I have a question -- God wants us to marry, but he doesn't promise it to anyone. Unlike salvation, a promise for those who believe, marriage is a gift, though not necessarily promised to those who desire, and even pursue it. You may never be in a relationship, a relationship may fail, etc. Recently I've been hearing a close friend of mine reflect on this in her life, and I find myself not being able to disagree. I will however say, in agreement here, that God probably wants most of us to marry, to "populate the earth" as it were, to experience and reflect the love he has for us in a life-long commited relationship to another. We may not have "all" the control in making that happen, but we can trust that if God designed us, and desires it, he will direct us and provide for all of our needs. :-)

14. v@v said the following at 2:08 PM on Jul 30:

"My intention is to inspire hope -- if you feel that passion, then God is for you, and eager to conspire with you to bring about the end for which that passion exists: marriage.)" --

Amen. Beautifully spoken. I must pass this along to friends of mine who seemingly feel as though there is no longer hope. God desires to "conspire with you"....:-)

15. Ben said the following at 2:17 PM on Jul 30:

Great post. I too have been struggling with this issue (especially 1 Cor. 7:6-9). There have been so many debates of pros and cons about being single that it is hard at times to even KNOW what to think. Thanks for the article!

16. Felicia said the following at 2:18 PM on Jul 30:

Thank you so much for this post. I can say that it has come at a perfect time in my life. I have been struggling with the "burning with passion" thing lately and have been frustrated with not being able to 'quench' it in a marriage. I could explain more of my situation, but that would make this comment too long. Suffice to say that this is again perfect timing and certainly a message from God through you. Thank you so much Ted!

17. Dr. Ransom said the following at 2:20 PM on Jul 30:

To this I would add a hearty "amen," especially as I've just finished a quite-fantastic book on the topics of "Wuv, Twue Wuv and Mawwiage," as well as other things -- a book by multiple authors and edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor, titled Sex and the Supremacy of Christ.

Martin Luther's own marriage, and teaching on the topic, was especially enlightening. In an age that had previously gone so far into glorifying "singleness" and "celibacy" that they thought God's gifts of marriage, procreation, all that stuff, were somehow sinful or even merely less Spiritual -- Luther helped turn his world around.

The family is just as much God's institution as the Church. One need not "choose" between one or the other, as if only when you're single can you contribute the most to your church or to your world.

That notion, I must say, seems even more highly suspect when it emanates from sectors of Christendom. We have enough marriage-and-family opposition from the Secular World as it is ...

18. Sara said the following at 2:22 PM on Jul 30:

In my New Testament class, it was suggested that part of the reason neither Jesus nor Paul were big proponants of marriage was that they believed the end of the world was emminent (as in, within-their-lifetime emminant). Why focus on worldly things when that world isn't going to exist much longer?
Now that we've settled in for the 'long haul'--it's been 2000 years since Jesus said, "Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place" [Matthew 24:34]--, we plan for retirement, not for the end of the world to come within our lifetimes, and it makes more sense for us to value marriage because we expect to have to live many more decades, and for our children to live long lives, too.
When we think of things that might cut our lives short, we first think of car accidents or cancer, not the rapture--and logically so, given the outcome of verse above.

19. Jen said the following at 2:34 PM on Jul 30:

"My intention is to inspire hope -- if you feel that passion, then God is for you, and eager to conspire with you to bring about the end for which that passion exists: marriage."

This is an encouragement! Thank you!

I do believe that those of us in the season of singleness are gifted in a way that we may never be again. As a young single woman, I am free to serve in ways that I never could if I were married and had a family - also a gift. :)

If I were married my first commitment would be to my family, and I would not be as free to help others. I'm not pointing this out as if it were a bad thing.. absolutely not! Just a different gift for a different season.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." -James 1:17

Thank you Ted for your insight. God bless. :)

20. Elaine said the following at 2:38 PM on Jul 30:

Dear Mr. Slater:

Although I agree with you that God wants people married, the problem that I have is when church folk judge individual success as a Christian man or woman is based on whether or not they're married and have a family of their own. That's what disturbing to me. Do I concede that marriage is a part of God's plan for my life? Absolutely. But I pursue Him with all my heart, and I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to prioritize being married over doing what God has called me to do RIGHT NOW. Instead, I pursue spiritual maturity and living my life according to the Word of God, and I wait for the right man to approach. Being a single Christian woman, I am not to find, but to be found. I do this all while affirming and encouraging my brothers in the faith around me. Right now I am single. I am single because I'm not in position emotionally, financially, socially, or spiritually to be married. I feel that there's nothing wrong with me being single right now, because I am letting God direct my steps, instead of allowing other people's opinions about how my life should be mapped out and when I should be married.

I will NOT apologize or make excuses for who I am and what state of my life I am in. But I refuse to cave to the bogus(my personal opinion) idea that there's something wrong with me because I'm not married by ___, or that because I don't live my life with the number one objective of getting married. My number one priority is to grow in my relationship with Jesus Christ, to walk in His purpose and plan for my life, and live my life according to His ways---to please Him because I am responding to His amazing love for me. It is also to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ and to make disciples. Marriage will definitely have a part to play in that. But it is not the only part. Too many times singles are missing out on what God is trying to teach them and instruct them to do in their singleness RIGHT NOW because they are so obssessed and focused on why they aren't in a relationship, or why they aren't married.

Also, Mr. Slater, if you could clarify the following argument of marrying because you "burn with passion" as a single. How does that differentiate from lust? How is that feeling different than simply wanting to be married just to be married or impatience with God's timing?

21. Sara said the following at 2:40 PM on Jul 30:

J.T., Just because 'some choose' something, doesn't mean everyone has the option of choosing it. Some have 'chosen' to become president of the U.S.; that doesn't mean I can choose to: I'm not a U.S. citizen. Dumb example, but my point is that it takes luck and circumstances as well as will to have a choice.

22. Carrie said the following at 2:50 PM on Jul 30:

I like what Frannie said and what to repeat it in order to encourage the Boundless writers:

"Keep on encouraging young men and young women to admit their need for love, commitment, and companionship. Because the culture at large is very hostile to such ideas."

This is SO true. I'm realizing more and more that if the Spirit of the Triune God is one of fellowship, then the spirit of evil is anti-fellowship.

Please, please, please encourage us towards this end that Frannie articulated so well!!!

23. P&P said the following at 2:51 PM on Jul 30:

I think it's important to look at the gifts that singleness can bring you. Most young marrieds don't travel, volunteer, pursue hobbies or participate in community based activities (both in and out of church) because they tend to be focused on each other, their children (if any) and other young married couples.

Being single presents you with the gift of flexibility, the opportunity to serve your community and the ability to further a personal or educational interest. Rather than obsessing over whether that girl or guy "looked" at you during small group on Sunday afternoon, why not spend that time exploring the world, even if it is just a walk on a local trail.

You might be surpised what happens.

24. xeres said the following at 2:59 PM on Jul 30:

I forgot to say it but this is one of the most balanced and realistic post on the subject. Reading this affirms a lot of what St. John Chrysostom talked about in his book "On marriage and family". I'm so fed up with the entitlement mentality people have on their love lives. I pray that both the GoS/GoC advocates and the marriage mandate advocates would drop the outcome-based worldviews and start looking at people both as individuals and as siblings in Christ, in need of attending to, not complete freaks in need of a quick fix.

25. Joe said the following at 3:13 PM on Jul 30:

In response to J.T. -- I beg you to check out other translations of the verse in question, Matthew 19:11, because most are phrased in a way that directly contradicts the point you are drawing from it, that the singleness is merely a choice and there is no associated "gift".

--------------------------------------

NIV:
Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given."

NASB:
But He said to them, "Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given."

ASV:
But he said unto them, "Not all men can receive this saying, but they to whom it is given."

Amplified:
But He said to them, "Not all men can accept this saying, but it is for those to whom [the capacity to receive] it has been given."

--------------------------------------

Yes, there is a choice involved with lifelong singleness, but, much as with salvation itself, it is also a gift from God. In this case, the gift is the capacity, the freedom from the "burning passion".

26. Shazia said the following at 3:24 PM on Jul 30:

I agree wholeheartedly with you Ted, but what if your (in the general sense) Christian friends espouse (no pun intended) the Gift of Singleness idea when you express your loneliness in being single?

I have 2 Christian friends who believe that singleness is as much of a gift as marriage is, and I don't have the stamina to get into a debate with them about it (although I have expressed my disagreement with them), because all they will show me is the New Living Translation's version of 1 Corinthians 7:7 and say "Here, the Bible says that there is a gift of singleness."

It's hard when the only Christian friends you (general sense) have, you cannot cry on their shoulder over the pain of not being married because all they will tell you in the end is that if you are single, it is because God wants you that way (but at the same time, they are either married or have a boyfriend and one of my friends definitely did NOT like being single so who are they to tell me?)

It's not that my friends do not have compassion over my loneliness. But that is not enough, when in the end they do not support being proactive in finding a marriage partner.

Sometimes I wonder if it is their church that is giving them these false teachings. If it is, I run the risk of hurting their feelings in telling them that I am not interested in ever attending their church (this is the part where you will say, "you cannot worry about their feelings" and you are probably right). Right now, it's not easy for me to go to any church, because I live in a non-Christian home, and it would cause a stir. BUT if I were to get the opportunity to go to church, I am seriously considering "shopping" (for lack of better word) for a different church than the one my 2 friends attend. I want a church that is neither unwilling to stand a firm stand for marriage nor castigating people simply because they are single (i.e. making them feel like second-class citizens). I could always ask if they get their ideas from singleness from church teachings, but this topic is so hurtful for me talk about (it makes me cry just like that - yeah I'm one of those sensitive types) that I don't even have the desire to ask sometimes.

27. Patricia said the following at 3:36 PM on Jul 30:

I agree that most people will marry...however...I would just like to complicate the idea that singleness causes sexual sin. Just looking at the state of marriage in the US, adultery is very common and, although I'm not positive about this, I've never heard that the us of pornography is younger among married than single people. Also, marriage is only a place of safety for women if they are married to someone who pursues God. Marriage is indissovable-so it's worth thinking seriously about the character and, frankly, compatability of the person. I think two Christians can have a good marriage but certain people are simply more compabtible because of culture, lifestyle, dreams, goals, interests, etc.

28. Keb said the following at 3:58 PM on Jul 30:

One casualty of a society that believes everyone is having sex, and that anyone with a low sex drive needs medical intervention, is the recognition that -not- everyone is so focused on sex. There are people who really have no interest in sex, marriage, or having their own kids. It's true that some may not have met the right person and will discover an interest in those things later, but for some--it just isn't part of their lives. It's not something they need to be happy. Yet there is very little understanding for these people; everyone tends to assume they just haven't met the right person, or they're homosexuals in the closet.

My brother seems to be one of these rare asexual people. Sex simply holds no interest for him, as difficult as it is for those of us with burning passions to comprehend. I think he is one of the natural eunuchs that Jesus spoke about. It does mean that his passions can be focused on other things.

Now me, on the other hand...I'm definitely one for whom it would be better to marry. If I can just find the right guy to marry...

29. Confused Woman said the following at 4:53 PM on Jul 30:

I have a question:

If singleness is so hard for single people without the gift of celebacy, why does the Lord, in his sovereighnty, keep some people single and sad?

I know that I, an older single person, struggle greatly with intense loneliness and strong unmet sexual longings.

Is the Lord trying to teach me something through this suffering, or is this really his best for my life?

30. ptschett said the following at 5:31 PM on Jul 30:

I completely agree with this post, and I fit into 3 of the complainer categories (continually rebuffed, small town, small church.) I just wish I could figure out how to address those obstacles.

31. Patricia said the following at 6:02 PM on Jul 30:

I just have one more thing to point out. Singleness among college women actually was higher as a percentage during the late 19th and early 20th century (before WWI) than it is today. Up to 30% of college educated women in the generation that came of age in the second part of the 19th century never married. So, singleness is modern but not recent in the sense that it's only a post feminism phenomenon.

32. RH said the following at 6:24 PM on Jul 30:

Keb,

Thank you so much for posting that. I understand you're brother's position. I've always had such a hard time identifing with the other girls my age who "have" to be dating someone at all times. Your comment about people who lack interest in sex, dating, marriage and the like really hit home. It's never been something I've had any desire for or been dependent on for happiness, and I agree with you that hardly anyone seems to understand that concept. My aquaintances and family seem baffled by it, and my closest friends (of both genders) tend to use me as a confidant for dating woes since I seem to have such an objective stance on those things.

However, while I really cannot see myself ever dating or being married, I will not go so far as to say that I have "the gift of singleness" because quite frankly, I am just a college student, and I think my Creator might be a bit amused by me declaring His plan for my life. For now, though, my struggles and temptations are not of the "burning with passion" variety.

33. sandra said the following at 6:50 PM on Jul 30:

What a great post, Ted! Sometimes, I feel guilty for wanting a husband, and not being totally content with having Christ alone.

34. Heather Paulsen said the following at 7:29 PM on Jul 30:

Great thoughts. I think that the whole concept of "singleness as a gift" is taken out of context. I think that while you are single you should make the most of that season of your life, and when you are married you make the most of that season. Two different seasons, with two totally different purposes!

Heather

35. Kristy said the following at 7:58 PM on Jul 30:

To Confused Woman:

Amen to that, sister.

Now this might be a bit controversial, but as the years go by, the "burning with passion" has only increased. Most of the time I put it out of my head (and don't watch romance movies/anything designed to 'excite') but sometimes I'm climbing up the walls. Just human biology/the drive that God has placed in all of us. How to deal with that? Self-love? (Seems the only answer to me!)

I'd go so far to call it an illness.

If we're cold, God warms us.
If we're hungry, God feeds us.
If we lack food or shelter, God provides.
[There are wonderful people in the world who help others, doing God's work.]
If we crave human contact... we're left waiting 20, 30, 70 years? Until Heaven?

Seems a bit sucky to me. Then again, it's just as painful as the person afflicted with a physical deformity or illness, where the only cure is Heaven. The reason "burning with passion" can be considered worse is because there is a 'worldly' cure right there and available, the only price is our soul.

That's a big ask. And a big test.

Maybe those of us with unfulfilled physical desires need this kind of testing? Which of course reminds me of that (terrible, eternal) question in the back of my mind: What did I do that was so wrong that God requires I be tested (punished?) in this way?

36. Stephanie said the following at 8:19 PM on Jul 30:

Keb,

Thanks for that. One of my best friends has absolutely no interest in men or marriage, and I myself am fairly certain I could be content without getting married because "burning with passion" is just not something I deal with. Many missionaries remained single so they could serve God in dangerous places. I would love to have the freedom to go wherever God calls me.

37. Ted Slater said the following at 8:22 PM on Jul 30:

Patricia -- not sure where you got your figures, but they seem to be wrong. The actual US census figures show that the median age that women currently get married (as of 2006) is some 25.5 years old -- the oldest its ever been. At the turn of the century it was about 22 years old.

Are you able to provide evidence to support your contention?

38. Anonymous said the following at 8:49 PM on Jul 30:

Confused Woman,

Although I married at age 26/almost 27, I can relate to how you feel. I, too, wondered why God had me in such a lonely and vulnerable position for so long. I have posted on this recently; I'll repeat my previous post here:

---
I can absolutely relate to your comment. When I hit age 25, knowing full well that my fertility was about to start on the downhill slide, and still waiting for any sign of a potential husband, I hit a low spot in my faith. I wondered, "If God loves children so much, then why does He have so many of us women waiting for marriage to the point that our fertility starts dropping? Is He going to start miraculously re-opening wombs on a large-scale basis?" I appreciated articles that I read criticizing the idea of a "gift of singleness," but it was still difficult to grasp why God was keeping me in what felt like a very unnatural situation.

Thankfully, I found my mate and got married less than two years later. Looking back, I have a bit of a different viewpoint from before. I hit the crisis of faith because I placed so much responsibility on God to make marriage happen for me. Of course, He does ultimately have control and does intervene in our lives, but He also allows us to experience the consequences of our and others' actions. He wasn't giving me a "gift of singleness," rather, the delay came about because of the circumstances of my and my husband's lives. At 24, I was wondering where my future husband could be. Meanwhile, my future husband was already in a marriage that was breaking apart due to his wife's unfaithfulness. Even though I was hurting and lonely at the time, now I am glad that God did not allow us to meet until after he had some time to heal from his divorce. I suppose you could say the timing was a gift from God, but I wouldn't call it a "gift of singleness."

No, I believe that the delay in finding our spouses is generally not God's perfect plan. It is simply the result of our society becoming increasingly saturated in sexual sin. May God have mercy on us.
---

My heart goes out to you; I know how heavy the loneliness and longings can be. Whatever circumstance is preventing you and your future husband from coming together, I pray that God will intervene on your behalf and bring you the good desires of your heart.

39. DannieA said the following at 9:21 PM on Jul 30:

I believe that neither singleness nor marriage in it of itself is a stand alone gift.

I believe that life is a gift and we are instructed to view each stage of life as a gift from God.

Just my 2-cents worth

40. denise said the following at 10:02 PM on Jul 30:

Ted, this topic never grows old~! and i love the "I can hear the complaints already..." For quite some time (read: years) i struggled with my personal situation (read: single) and have now focused on involving myself in more church ministries or just my community in order to create opportunities for me to meet people specifically, men. now the struggle is i've been doing this with NO results whatsoever~! and i really do get sick of the "a nice professional girl like you not married yet" line... just got it again today. I'd just like to encourage the godly men out there to keep being bold, there are lots of Christian girls out there wanting to meet their husbands.

41. Leah said the following at 11:42 PM on Jul 30:

It's very true. Our campus Christian Union had a camp last week with the topic of "Love, Sex and Marriage". It was pointed out that chances are, most of us would get married, and that is God's plan. However, there are some of us for whom God has planned a life of singleness, and I believe this is a gift in the sense that these people will not be subjected to sexual temptations and that they can completely dedicate their efforts and time towards the work of God's kingdom. (NB: these are not the same people who suffer sexual temptation like the majority of us ['burning with passion'] but are in a season of protracted singleness).

Patricia: singleness in and of itself does not cause sexual sin. Sexual sin is caused when people who should be married remain single.

Elaine: I don't believe Ted was saying that you should be married by x age or whatever. He is not saying "those of you who are going to get married, get married now!" He himself didn't get married until his thirties.

You are right when you say "too many times singles are missing out on what God is trying to teach them and instruct them to do in their singleness RIGHT NOW because they are so obssessed and focused on why they aren't in a relationship, or why they aren't married". I don't believe Ted would disagree with that.

However, you equate 'not prioritizing marriage' with 'pursu{ing} spiritual maturity and living my life according to the Word of God'. I don't believe this is right. You can pursue spiritual maturity and living according to God's word while prioritizing marriage at the same time. While we, as women, are not the ones to be pursuing someone to marry, there are still actions we can take to make ourselves more open and available to those who might pursue us.

Confused Woman: on the camp mentioned above, we had a question night, and one young man who has grown up in a Christian family and church asked (something along the lines of) "I know of God's love for me and believe it, but how can I feel it?" (Alluding to the idea that people who convert as adults are more likely to feel God's love and forgiveness than those of us who have known it our entire lives).

The answer was "Suffer." Our staffworker said that you can read your bible, pray, serve, etc etc, and they will all help, but the only sure-fire way to truly feel God's love for you is when you're suffering and he is standing by you and helping you through it.

I'm not saying I'm glad you're in the position you are- simply saying that it can be used to your benefit :)

42. Leah said the following at 11:43 PM on Jul 30:

JT: yes, singleness is a choice, to a certain degree. But God *has* ordained our paths- we just choose what he has already chosen for us! :)

43. Marci said the following at 4:46 AM on Jul 31:

Dear Elaine,

you say:"Right now I am single. I am single because I'm not in position emotionally, financially, socially, or spiritually to be married."

I found this really, really interesting. What does "readiness" mean? For instance, I have attended services where the pastor suggested that if young adults weren't married, they weren't strong enough christians. I've also heard pastors suggest that people aren't finacially ready until they're close to home ownership. And in terms of emotional readiness, I wonder how much is required?

I'm not saying that you're not right in your belief that you're not ready in all these ways, but I do think that sometimes in Christian circles we fall into error when we start teaching people they have to be super christians and materially set to marry. I certainly know many Christians who married before they had everything 'together,' and the Lord has blessed and guided them tremendously.

I'm just wanting to open up the question of what is actually neccessary in a spiritual, financial, emotional etc sense in order to be ready. Perhaps it's destructive to make marriage a reward given for good service in these areas, because it implies that the single wouldn't be if they would just get their act together - and I've not seen this to be true. I'm pretty sure there are various articles at Boundless that address this idea, too.

Blessings to All

44. P&P said the following at 5:58 AM on Jul 31:

I think Patricia was referring to the number of college educated women who marry. I can't find the old hard facts, but it was not uncommon for women from wealthy families to obtain an education (a rarity for most most people, but especially women) and then never marry.

In some cases it was because the women in this small group were able to support themselves through a combination of professional work and family money. In other cases it was because highly educated women were not willing to "marry down," especially because the class system was much stronger during that era.

Another consideration can be the impact of world events; educated women during war years had slim pickings and many times were passed over as being too old when returning soldiers wanted to find wives. In addition to this, women who would have married young and not attended college found themselves either in college or in the work force which gave them more opportunities for independence and choice when deciding when and whom to marry. This particular phenomenon was apparent in the post WWII years.

When you look at it from this perspective, it becomes evident that a woman's ability to support herself plays a major role in marrying. Maybe this would be a worthwhile topic to explore in more depth here?

45. Patricia said the following at 6:14 AM on Jul 31:

Ted-I just mean for college educated women, not for women overall. Read "A Fierce Discontent" by Michael McGerr who talks about how middle class Victorian women (this was not true for immigrant women who were the majority of the population) chose not to marry.

46. DAVID said the following at 6:51 AM on Jul 31:

I like what Elizabeth Elliot says in that if "you are a christian and are single you have the gift of singleness."
IMO whether you like it or learn to embrace it and work on yourself is another matter.
The present movement for christians to marry beacuse of sexual temptation is a mistake. The real problem is sexual addiction which is rampant in the church but its wrapped up in the 'guise' of encouraging people to marry regardless of spiritual compatability.
Most men assume a parental role with their wife calling it shepherding or soft patriarchy. I'm surprised that the powers that be that teach this hav't had their fill of bad theology during the shepherding movement which is still alive and well today.

47. Carrie said the following at 6:54 AM on Jul 31:

Kristy,
You said:
"Maybe those of us with unfulfilled physical desires need this kind of testing? Which of course reminds me of that (terrible, eternal) question in the back of my mind: What did I do that was so wrong that God requires I be tested (punished?) in this way?"

I completely agree with you and find myself thinking the same thing. The only comforting conclusion I can come to is reminding myself of the fallen estate of the world. You are so right in reminding readers that the price for giving into temptation is the soul. I think our desires are magnified because of the effects of the Sexual Revolution. Many are proclaiming that we should be free of guilt and basque in the gloriousness and pleasure that sex brings. And, sadly, our flesh longs to be free. The only thing be comforted by at this stage in my life is knowing that I am in this world and not of it and I ought to be longing for the day of The Great Consummation.
Are we being tested in a special way because our strong desires are being tested? Yes. Yes, we are. The effects of The Fall are very damaging. This life is a journey back home and we ought to be longing for home. If at any point we feel that this world is where we belong, then something is wrong. We need to rest in the love of Father, Son, and Spirit knowing that one day our struggle will be over. Lord willing we get some relief in the desert of temptation. If we don't, that's OK too just as long as we don't start drinking sand just because its there.

48. Michelle Myers said the following at 8:38 AM on Jul 31:

Well, as a 19 year old girl surrounded by friends her age who are on their way to getting married (or are already married!), the single life can be a little frustrating...not to mention lonely. I could be cynical about it, but I have too many opportunities ahead of me, and being in a committed relationship wouldn't allow such opportunities to take place. So, yes, these single years have been and will be a "gift," even though it isn't always fun. However, we must remember that fun is shallow and joy is deep. We don't achieve fun through tribulations and loneliness, but joy in the life that God has given us.

49. Ted Slater said the following at 9:47 AM on Jul 31:

Patricia -- I checked out that book and found the following reference on p. 47:

"Female college graduates, the middle class discovered, were less likely to marry."

But it doesn't say anywhere in the book, to the best of my knowledge, that any subgroup of women in the late 1800s / early 1900s married later on average than that same subgroup of women marry now.

Can you provide the specific reference? If not, I think it best to just go with the US Census data that reports that we're marrying later than we ever have....

50. Jeffrey Whiting said the following at 9:49 AM on Jul 31:

Why is there all of a sudden this strange conviction that a person must be old enough to run a country before settling down? I believe this trend has much less to do with age and more to do with unwillingness to relinquish the possibilities of contemporary life and what is perceived as the "freedom" and "opportunity" of modern life for humdrum marital obligations.

It seems to me that the word "ready" has become grossly distorted beyond an acceptable meaning. To be "ready" nowadays has nothing whatsoever to do with the ability to contract a marriage, it has more to do with willingness (or lack thereof). Notice the change from a qualitative judgment toward an expression of preference. Has anyone else notice this subtle shift in terminology and its use in perpetuating our a-marital situation?

51. Ted Slater said the following at 9:54 AM on Jul 31:

I like Elizabeth Elliot.

That said, though you may like what she said in this instance, I don't see it as biblically sound. I don't understand how you can draw the conclusion she did from 1 Cor. 7:6-9. Can you provide biblical support of the convenient saying that if "you are a christian and are single you have the gift of singleness"? It's a cute thing to say, and may comfort some, but I don't see it as biblically defensible.

I'm not sure what you mean by "present movement for [C]hristians to marry because of sexual temptation" being a "mistake." How do you interpret 1 Cor. 7:6-9? Is not the God-given passion we have a God-given impetus to marry? Not the only reason, of course, and of course we shouldn't let our hormones select our spouse for us. You understand that's not what I'm saying, right?

I'm not sure I understand the last few sentences of your comment. Are you egalitarian or complementarian in your thinking about the roles within marriage?

52. Ted Slater said the following at 10:06 AM on Jul 31:

Adam wrote us pointing out that my emphasis in the OP was wrongly on "burning with passion" rather than "cannot excercise self-control." Here's what he wrote:

"One who has the gift of 1 Corinthians 7:9 is not free of sexual desire, but has the ability to control sexual desire."

I think Adam's right, although there are some instances (as we've seen in the comments above) where individuals do have a low degree of sexual desire, which may lead them to remain "celibate" for the Kingdom of God. Blessed indeed are those who "burn with passion" and yet commit themselves to successfully practicing life-long "self-control."

Adam went on to provide alternate interpretations of this passage of Scripture. His conclusion:

"Thus, the way I interpret this passage is to say that Paul is telling widows and widowers how they will know if they have the gift of singleness now that their spouse has passed away."

What do you think? Is the "principle" still the same, regardless of whether one is single or "single again"? Can we still consider marriage a blessed and permissible gift, which most of us will enjoy but which some of us forgo to serve the Lord in a unique way?

53. Jo said the following at 10:10 AM on Jul 31:

A lot of great points in the post and comments, I agree with much of what's been said. But I want to add to what Carrie and v@v said - the fact that marriage is good and right and a gift doesn't mean it will come to all who desire it. Good health is a gift, but many (including myself) have illnesses that they may have to cope with throughout their lives. Children are a gift, but some are unable to naturally have children. (Nowadays there may be solutions to this, but back in 'Bible times' all you could do was pray - we know of some whose prayers were answered but surely this wasn't the norm?) Of course anyone can find a spouse if they're willing to set their sights low enough, but I for one would prefer to be single than with a man who wasn't right for me - burning passion notwithstanding!

What I'm saying is, there seems to be an implication in the original post that while singleness isn't a sin 'in itself', if you have a desire to get married but several years years down the line it still hasn't happened for you, this is your fault. In some cases that probably contains truth, but as in so many cases, the implication could really damage those who are most vulnerable - wanting to be married but without the opportunity for a good match.

There's a lot of good advice from Boundless and other sources, but I'm wary of putting any two people into the same category where God is concerned. Everyone's walk with God is totally different, he knows us best and has our very best interests at heart. If with some he withholds marriage for whatever reason, those people need us to come alongside them, suffer with them, encourage them, but ultimately allow God to be God and not assume that they are outside of his plan or that their situation is changeable if they try harder, pray harder, believe harder or whatever.

54. Ted Slater said the following at 10:39 AM on Jul 31:

Jo -- did you not notice the italicized "some" in the seventh paragraph of the OP? I was emphasizing that not all cases of "extended singleness" are the fault of the person who is still single and not wanting to be.

Please try to read more carefully.

That said, I do appreciate your re-emphasizing what I wrote, that "the fact that marriage is good and right and a gift doesn't mean it will come to all who desire it."

55. David said the following at 11:05 AM on Jul 31:

My intention was to graduate from college, get a job, pay off my school expenses, put some money away, buy a house, get married, have 2 kids. I have done all those things except the last 2. I have come to realize that I love my life as it is. I don't need to be married to be complete. I am very content. I think maybe the reasons are when I attend the Men's Study Group, the married men will bring up the topic of Married Life. I've asked them "If you had your life to live again, knowing what you know about marriage, would you marry?"

The answer is "No, I should have listened to Paul." One guy mentioned that his father told him not to do it, he did it anyway. His father is a Pastor. Does he regret getting married? He said that he wanted me to get married so I could be miserable like him, and I would not have that big smile on my face.

The Pastor of the Church said that if his wife died, he would never do it again. Do I want to get married now? No, I am not in a hurry! If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, that is ok too.

Is there pressure to marry? If the Pastor's wife finds out that you are single, she will tell the single women and then the game is on! This Church that I now attend, there are a lot of single men. The Pastor knows who we are, and he has encouraged us not to tell his wife unless we are ready to marry.

One senior man told me that in his day the role of the Man and the Woman was clearly defined. Today, they are blurred, and you don't know what to expect in today's marriages.

But if the Lord wants you to be married, you will be married. If you are single, happy, and content, then thank God and be anxious for nothing. If you make it a focal point in your life that you must be married by a certain age, that will lead to desperation. You may marry for the sake of marrying. Will it last?

56. Ted Slater said the following at 11:12 AM on Jul 31:

David -- thank you for writing.

I'm pretty distressed about your comment, frankly, that your pastor and the men in your church would have such a low view of marriage, and falsely ascribe that low view of marriage to Paul.

Paul, a single man, *highly* esteemed marriage. God has given us a gift in marriage, not a curse. I'm sorry so many around you feel it's a curse.

Consider leaving that church, if you are able to. Seriously. It sounds like a nightmare of heresy.

57. Esther said the following at 11:28 AM on Jul 31:

Patricia, in regards to the comment about a smaller percentage of college educated women marrying in the early part of the 20th century: the percentage may have been greater, however, the total number of women who earned a college degree at that time was much lower. I see this in my own heritage. My great grandfather was a college professor, and he had several sisters and sister's in law who earned their college degrees, never married, and worked as teachers their whole lives. They dedicated themselves to serving God and their community. Inspiring, yes, but their older years were spent quite alone, in big old houses, with the children of their siblings their main comfort and companionship.
My grandmother earned two masters degrees before 1950, and went on to be a college professor herself. However, she would be the first to say that her greatest achievement in life is that her 6 children all love the Lord, and that she is able to know and love her 20-some grandchildren. She struggled a lot with the choice to marry my grandfather (a dairy farmer), but has had 50+ years of love and companionship with him. I am encouraged by her story, especially since she was 27 when she married. But I am also careful to honor and spend time with my single aunts.

58. Laura said the following at 11:31 AM on Jul 31:

Wow... the men in your BIBLE STUDY wish they could be single so they could be "happy" again? Please, the next time one of them says something like that to you, REBUKE HIM! Ask him what the Lord has to say about men who fail to treat their wives with kindness (hint: 1 Peter 3:7). Ask him if he would dare to insult his wife like that to her face.

I agree with Ted. Time to find a new church.

59. Adam said the following at 11:32 AM on Jul 31:

Ted,

Hard to say. As a Calvinist, I would not have a problem with saying that it applies to every person. However, is this a text that can be legitimately used to come to that conclusion? That would be where I would disagree. I think that the whole point is that if someone wants to say that this needs to be extended out to include all single people, they must make an exegetical argument for such a claim. They way I see it, Paul, in presenting the solution, connects the principle to the specific command that he gives in the text. Thus, anyone who says that it applies elsewhere must show that Paul is intending for this principle to be applied in situations outside of the one he is currently addressing.

There is one area on which I would disagree with you. The traditional Calvinistic position was that this gift of "continence," or, self-control, is something that can both be given for a time, as well as something that can be given for a lifetime. This is the confessional position of my church, the Orthodox Presbyterian Church. John Calvin, who, although he was not the founder of the Presbyterian church, had the biggest impact on Presbyterian theology, wrote that:

Virginity, I admit, is a virtue not to be despised; but since it is denied to some, and to others granted only for a season, those who are assailed by incontinence, and unable to successfully war against it, should betake themselves to the remedy of marriage, and thus cultivate chastity in the way of their calling [Calvin, Institutes Book II Chapter VIII section 42]

Calvin also wrote that a person who is failing in the battle with sexual temptation should not just automatically get married, but he should:

place the fear of God in opposition to a temptation of this sort, cut off all inlets to unchaste thoughts, entreat the Lord to give them strength to resist, and set themselves with all their might to extinguish the flames of lust. If they succeed in this struggle, let them render thanks unto the Lord, for where shall we find the man who does not experience some molestation from his flesh? but if we bridle its violence, before it has acquired the mastery, it is well. For we do not burn, though we should feel a disagreeable heat — not that there is nothing wrong in that feeling of heat, but acknowledging before the Lord, with humility and sighing, our weakness, we are meanwhile, nevertheless, of good courage. To sum up all, so long as we come off victorious in the conflict, through the Lord’s grace, and Satan’s darts do not make their way within, but are valiantly repelled by us, let us not become weary of the conflict.

There is an intermediate kind of temptation when a man does not indeed admit impure desire with the full assent of his mind, but at the same time is inflamed with a blind impetuosity, and is harassed in such a manner that he cannot with peace of conscience call upon God. A temptation, then, of such a kind as hinders one from calling upon God in purity, and disturbs peace of conscience, is burning, such as cannot be extinguished except by marriage.

Thus, Calvin even realizes that a failure in the realm of sexual temptation is not grounds for getting married. The only grounds for getting married because of incontinence is when a person has made an honest effort to control his lusts, and has failed. Thus, I would also say with Calvin, that a person should decide in his own heart if he has made an honest effort to control his lusts. Calvin said:

Now, since natural feeling and the passions inflamed by the fall make the marriage tie doubly necessary, save in the case of those whom God has by special grace exempted, let every individual consider how the case stands with himself [Calvin, Institutes Book II Chapter VIII section 42]

So, I think that "protracted singleness" is fine, so long as there is continence in their sexual behavior. They must decide for themselves whether they have done their best to control their desires. However, a person cannot presume that he will have that control tomorrow. That is one of the objections I would raise against the Roman Catholic priesthood [but that is another issue].

I think that, rather than going to 1 Corinthians 7, we should be thinking about whether or not our marital status glorifies God. Is our marital status something that we can honestly use to glorify God, or is it something that we use to rebel against God? Do we use our singleness to glorify God or ourselves?

God Bless,
Adam

60. Carrie said the following at 11:32 AM on Jul 31:

David,

Your post saddens me and I think that's the precise reason why so many people shy away from marriage -- they hear awful stories of how miserable married people are.

What happens if all you do is see how glorious marriage is with all of its ups and downs? What happens if you are surrounded by a cloud of believers that will declare "Yes, its hard -- downright difficult, even -- but WOW its is SO good!!"?? What if you want that first fight so you can see what Christ does in spite of yourself???

I'm sorry, but give me the misery of fellowship any day over the seemingly endless dark abyss of loneliness that plagues singles who "burn with passion". If we got to choose our difficulties in life, I would get out of this difficulty, like yesterday.

61. Brian said the following at 11:38 AM on Jul 31:

David,

If I told you that being single means no sexual fulfillment whatsoever, would you still be completely content with your life?

On a side note, I think it's terrible that there are so many men in any church that would think so lowly of marriage. I wonder what their wives think when they hear that (hmm.. that might explain something)

62. Mark Willard said the following at 12:02 PM on Jul 31:

Ted,

Thanks for this post. I really appreciate what you're saying.

David (or anyone else who knows),

Where does Elisabeth Elliot say that if "you are a christian and are single you have the gift of singleness."?

Adam,

Your comment makes it sound like you're saying the only legitimate reason/motivation for marriage is a failure to control lust, despite protracted God-honoring effort. Is that your position? If so, how do you get there Biblically? I'm not arguing with you, I'm just kind of curious/confused.

63. farmer Tom said the following at 12:09 PM on Jul 31:

David, I can not let your comments go unchallenged.

I am short on time and a little aggravated with your comments. By your own admission, your focus in life is financial security. That is more important to you than anything else? You put your faith in money, and financial security. I do not believe that these are the hallmarks of a Christian who lives by faith. Paul talked in Philippians about contentment, no where in verse 11 to 13 of chapter 4 does he mention the necessity of financial security, in fact he argues for just the opposite. The Christian life should not simply be the road to financial security, the world can acheive that, there must be something missing if financial security is the culmination of the Christian life. Read Proverbs 13 verse 7: "There is that maketh himself rich, yet hath nothing," and verse 22: "A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children's children."

dude, by that standard you are not a good man, because you fail to have children!

What about God's command to be fruitful and multiply, do you consider that to be a dead letter? Psalm 127:3 "Lo, children are an heritage from the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is his reward." I take it the men of your aquaintance are calling God a liar here? Do you believe that when the writer of Proverbs 18:22 said, "He who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord," that he was making it up? Do you believe God was lying when he had that written?

I have had numerous conversations with ladies in the last month who claim that men are too self centered and spineless to seek marriage. If you're an example, they win the argument.

Ladies, I apoligize to you for the failure of Godly Christian men to be obedient to the clear teaching of Scripture about marrige. It appears that the men of the current generation are a bunch of spineless, narcissistic, lovers of filthy lucre, who are more conscerned with self than obedience.

Lord, please change the hearts of these men. They are a reproach on the Church of Jesus Christ. Amen.

64. Tami said the following at 12:15 PM on Jul 31:

I did a search and found this quote by Elisabeth Elliot in an article by Carolyn McCulley (where it's originally from, I don't know):

“If you are single today, the portion assigned to you for today is singleness. It is God’s gift. Singleness ought not to be viewed as a problem, nor marriage as a right. God in His wisdom and love grants either as a gift.”

65. John said the following at 12:29 PM on Jul 31:

farmer Tom,

Whoa! You are being way too hard on David. You are putting words in his mouth, accusing him of making financial security an idol. He said no such thing. He only said that he managed to get a job, pay off some loans and buy a house, while not yet having married.

Also, I'm not sure that the command to be fruitful and multiply is a universal command to every person. Since Paul says in I Cor 7:1 that it is good for a man not to touch a woman, clearly there are exceptions to that mandate.

I hope that those of us who have not yet (for whatever reason) found our way to matrimony are not a "bunch of spineless, narcissistic, lovers of filthy lucre, who are more conscerned with self than obedience."

66. Marci said the following at 12:29 PM on Jul 31:

David,

I'm horrified that this is the attitude in your church! I would encourage you to read Paul's discourse about marriage and singleness again, and prayerfully consider whether the attitudes of any church leaders or bible study group members who view marriage so dimly are Christ's. Honestly.

What came through your post (in my estimation) was that you like life how it is now - why marry? Well, why marry? Because the appropriate space for sexual gratification is within marriage; because if you do not have the gift of singleness, there's a whole other dimension God will develop within you once you become a husband and father; because there are women praying to God for a husband who may be robbed of the chance to be a wife should you decide to bask in your material achievements and forgoe marriage!

Marriage is about sacrifice, and is intended to mirror Christ's relationship to his bride, the Church. What if God had said 'Well, I'd LOVE for my son to never go to earth; I want him to just enjoy the beautiful mansions in glory - why inconvenience myself? It'll be such suffering to see my son die!' You know what? In that case we'd all be lost with no chance to be redeemed and spend eternity with Christ.

So I would say again: consider if your attitudes are Christ-like in regard to marriage, since every man who thinks in this way and does not have the gift of singleness essentially robs a woman of a husband! (And yes, I really do believe this is essentially the result)

I concur with Ted and others who say you should seriously consider switching churches. It pains me that these men would say such dishonoring things about the wives Christ commands them to love and serve (whatever happened to the model of servanthood? The least will be the greatest?)

Blessings to All

67. BDB said the following at 12:30 PM on Jul 31:

Ted wrote:

>>I like Elizabeth Elliot.

That said, though you may like what she said in this instance, I don't see it as biblically sound.<<

Well, in other writings, she uses the term "portion," as in "The portion for you today is singleness."

It's easier to understand in the context of her life, where she lost two husbands to death. I wouldn't call widowhood a "gift" necessarily. The operational and companionship struggles are similar to when someone has never been married. But it's still a different perspective. For example, they no longer have to wonder about the question, "Why hasn't someone chosen me?" because someone did. They still end up with different questions, including wondering why God didn't "want" them to be happy longer.

68. Ted Slater said the following at 12:47 PM on Jul 31:

BDB -- now that some (including myself) have done a bit of investigation, it seems that Elizabeth Elliot did not in fact say that if "you are a [C]hristian and are single you have the gift of singleness."

What she did say -- "If you are single today, the portion assigned to you for today is singleness" -- still strikes me as not necessarily correct.

The thing is, SOME people are single for reasons of sin -- selfishness, inappropriate sexual gratification, fear, indecisiveness, and so on. These people should NOT remain content in their sin, but should have a change of heart and pursue godly marriage. As Paul wrote in the verse quoted in the OP, "they should marry."

Yes, for SOME, their portion today is singleness, and it is good for them to thank God for where He's seen fit to put them. But SOME (and you may know who you are) need to stop blaming God for your state and instead cooperate with Him to do something about changing it.

I'm not going to judge who is who on this blog. My heart goes out to those singles who are such through no fault of your own. And my foot goes out to those who are sinning through your extended singleness. A brotherly foot, you understand, like the one I was kicked with a few years ago....

69. M-UH said the following at 1:14 PM on Jul 31:

Speaking of the "gift of singleness", a common frustration for me is men who are dating, yet claim to have the "gift of singleness" when committing to marriage becomes an issue. I challenge everyone, if you truly think you have the gift of singleness... refrain from dating! First off, you will keep from leading on a woman/man, and second of all, it might become more clear to you whether or not you really have such a gift.

70. BB said the following at 1:17 PM on Jul 31:

Gifts of singleness - time for ministry, time for helping others, time with family
Gifts of Marriage - companionship, encouragement in walk with God, financial, longer life
Note: none of these gifts are guaranteed so the grass is not always greener...

While I believe marriage is a good thing, it is not certain. Even though we are single, it does not give us excuse to give way to our burning passions. It is all to easy to say if I were married I could control my lust but since I haven't found my wife yet, I just can't help it. I think we can all say we can control ourselves if we decided to. Even if we have to avoid situations, it can be done.

The other thing is with my time. The singles ministry at the church is growing and really has a need to Godly men to lead in that area. I say men because as women step up, it gives the men excuses not to be masculine. I can see God withholding mates for a lot of men so they can dive into that group to help "win, build and send" others to glorify God. Because of my desire to marry, this is something that I struggle to give God. I grudgingly say if you want me serving single because that is where I'm most effective, not my will but yours. The question is have I really given my singleness to God or am I making the "if you help me I'll go to Africa" type of deals with God.

71. BDB said the following at 1:23 PM on Jul 31:

Tami wrote:

>>I did a search and found this quote by Elisabeth Elliot in an article by Carolyn McCulley (where it's originally from, I don't know):<<

It's from the book "Quest for Love," one of the chapters on "guidance."

72. xeres said the following at 1:37 PM on Jul 31:

wow, so many comments so little time...

There's so much complicated things going around. Here are more inputs that can help demystify some of the causes of the confusion on relationships.

>>There is so much information that it is hard for a lot of young folk to trust things.

>> Society at large doesn't expect much from young people other than being irresponisbility, immaturity and so forth. They assumed the worse in them. Therefore, they don't think it's worth anyone's time to help them

>>In turn, a lot of people from my generation often become spiritual elitist/cynics and develop critical spirits.

>>Much of our same-sex and opposite-sex friendships are strangled by comparsion, mistrust, and sexual competitiveness to the point of being predatoral. They have forgotten how to rejoice and be happy for others.

>>Human life and relationships are seen as a commodity, nothing special.

>>We have the entitlement mentality.

This debate on marriage and singleness is just a tip of the iceberg.

73. BDB said the following at 1:49 PM on Jul 31:

Ted wrote:

>>What she did say -- "If you are single today, the portion assigned to you for today is singleness" -- still strikes me as not necessarily correct.<<

Well, I think that it's easier to understand when you look at the entire body of her work. Yes, there are young people who are focusing on material gain instead of thinking seriously about marriage - and I know both men and women in this category.

However, when I read the comments from people who believe that marriage will solve their problems, I don't think that they are looking far enough down the road. Watching a spouse - or a child - suffer from cancer will wring their hearts out just as much - if not more - than the loneliness of being single. So, I understand Elliot to be saying that the portion asigned to today is singleness, just like the portion assigned tomorrow might be to walk with a spouse through cancer, or to be heartbroken because of a rebellious child. All entail suffering.

And suffering seems to be necessary for everyone walking the path to sanctification. The Bible is full of stories of the faithful who had to suffer, whether Abraham waiting decades for a child or David running away from Saul, or the Apostles facing imprisonment and execution. There's plenty of modern-day biographies of people of great faith who went through significant suffering. Sometimes I even wonder if the fact that many American's don't face material suffering is the CAUSE of so much relationship suffering, but that's a whole other topic.

If God gave us all the answers immediately, why would we need faith?

74. Shazia said the following at 1:54 PM on Jul 31:

A question for you Ted and for Candice, because you are firm supporters in the pursuit of marriage when you feel that you do not have the (extremely rare) gift of celibacy: how do you go about finding a church that is concordant with your (not in the general sense - I am meaning YOUR, Ted) views on marriage?

75. Bo said the following at 2:11 PM on Jul 31:

Wow, I have really enjoyed reading all the different thoughts on the issue of singleness. I think one helpful thing to ensuring this discussion continues in an edifying way would be to define and clarify the word "gift." It's such a loaded word. For one thing, we are often given gifts we don't want, like the turquoise terricloth overalls my grandma gave me in second grade. If we are given a gift we don't want, what is our obligation toward it? (my mother made me wear those overalls...)

Ted, as the mediator and original author of the post, can you supply the definition from which you are working?

76. Ted Slater said the following at 2:52 PM on Jul 31:

Shazia -- great question! Hm. I can't speak for Focus or Boundless or for anyone else, but I would do a google search for churches in your area that are involved with homeschooling. I've found that, for some reason, those churches that support the homeschooling movement also support an "intentional" view of marriage, marrying in a "timely" manner, and so on.

I'd like to open your question up to everyone: "How do you go about finding a church that is concordant with your views on marriage?"

Bo -- also a great question. The word "gift" ("charisma") speaks to me of a peculiar blessing which some receive and others don't. Do all receive the gift of children? No. Do all speak in tongues? No. Do all get married? No. Do all get healed? No. Are all single for a period of time? Um, yes. It seems to follow, then, that there's nothing necessarily "giftish" about simply being single....

Some would go on to say that a "gift" is something that should be shared, not simply kept to oneself for one's own benefit.

77. Elaine said the following at 2:59 PM on Jul 31:

Singleness could be classed as a gift as it gives you chance to do a lot of things that you cannot do when you marry. You cannot change your jobs any time you want without the move affecting your spouse or children. You can serve easily in a mission field with getting the opinion from somewhat else? You cannot watch TV any time you want without disturbing your spouse or a child interupting you. To cook or not is not a problem when there is any spouse or children. You can serve in more offices in church that someone who is married cannot do. As that person has to spend time with their spouse or children.

The remarks that David hear is not uncommon. A few week ago and I sat and hear some married women described their lives and it is not as passionate as single person might believe. The way they say husbands treat them, it cause you to wonder if marriage is a wonderful as it is make out to be. It is not just one of them but all. The persons who are not married would say it is wonderful. Those in it say it is bitter sometimes and sweet some times.

78. Erica said the following at 3:05 PM on Jul 31:

It is not easy to just leave your church especially if you have grown up in it. If you are a Catholic, Presbrytian, Baptism, Methodist or Seventh Day Adventist. These are fundamental doctrinal church, in which you cannot just walk up and leave because the men does not enjoy being with their wives. Probably you can say find another branch of your denominations in another side of town or in your city. In the USA, you might drive alot distance to do so.

79. Shazia said the following at 3:11 PM on Jul 31:

The thing about the "gift of marriage" vs. "gift of singlness" debate is that it can be assumed, though not necessarily by anyone in particular, that if you do not have the gift of one (marriage), you have the gift of the opposite thing (singleness), by default.

Have we ever thought about whether we truly have the prerogative to tell someone else whether or not they have the gift of such-and-such, when in reality it is God who definitely knows, not us, really?

In general I think it's inappropriate to tell someone that they have the GOS simply because they have been enduring protracted singleness and unfulfilled longings. We don't really KNOW for sure if that other person has that extremely rare gift of celibacy and it is unfair to make that assumption about that other person. Only God truly knows, as far as I am concerned.

As I said before, if you are not blessed with one thing, does it really mean you have the gift of the opposite thing? Let's take other examples.

Say you never find a full-time job for say, months and months. Do you hence have the gift of unemployment?

Say you are suffering with same-sex attraction. Do you hence have the gift of homosexuality?

Say you can't pay rent on your apartment and you are evicted. Do you hence have the gift of homelessness?

Yes, if I am seeming absurd in the exaggerated examples I am providing, I am deliberately being that way to try to prove a point :)

80. wombatty said the following at 3:50 PM on Jul 31:

Carrie wrote:
Your post saddens me and I think that's the precise reason why so many people shy away from marriage -- they hear awful stories of how miserable married people are.

It's given me pause more than once. It's pretty depressing to hear about it, but it's even worse to see it in action.

Carrie wrote:
I'm sorry, but give me the misery of fellowship any day over the seemingly endless dark abyss of loneliness that plagues singles who "burn with passion". If we got to choose our difficulties in life, I would get out of this difficulty, like yesterday.

Personally, I would rather be a miserable bachelor than a miserable husband (if those were the choices I had).

This conversation reminds me of something one of my little sisters told me. She's a nurse and many of her patients (primarily the women - of all ages) invariably ask her if she's married. When she tells them 'No', she told me that 9 times out of 10, her patient says something along the lines of 'Good...you don't need to be married to have a happy life - I would love to be single again'.

This kinda shocked me - I still don't quite know what to make of it. In any case, my sis doesn't plan on taking their advice.

Farmer Tom wrote:

Do you believe that when the writer of Proverbs 18:22 said, "He who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord," that he was making it up? Do you believe God was lying when he had that written?

Good point Tom, but Proverbs also says:

12: 4 - A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

19:13 - A foolish son is his father's ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.

21:9 - Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

All of the above, no doubt, applies equally well to loathsome husbands and their poor wives.

This in no way justifies the poor attitude these men have (and are spreading) towards marriage, but it does point out that miserable marriages are not foreign to Scripture. Nor is the expression of such sentiments condemned (assuming they are justified and expressed properly. I'm sure) .

81. Adam said the following at 3:52 PM on Jul 31:

Mark,

No, that is not my position. I would say that there are many other things necessary for a wedding to take place. However, I would say that the person should seek after the remedy if he cannot exercise self-control, and that only after he has tried to do so, and failed.

My position is that a person who desires to remain single, and who can control his sexual desires can, indeed, stay single. However, we have to ask the question as to whether or not we can control those desires, and if we cannot, then we should seek after the remedy.

Also, there may be people who can control there sexual desires who want to get married. I wouldn't argue against that either. Thus, the only people who should seek after marriage are those who cannot control their desires.

As I said, the main issue is whether the marital state we are in is being used to honor and glorify God. If, as a single person, we cannot control our sexual desires, then we should seek marriage so that we can honor God with our marital status. Hence, I think I would want to argue from the scriptures that our lives should honor God. Thus, because our marital status is part of our life, we should seek to honor God in our choice of a marital status. Thus, if a person cannot live in the single state, and honor God, then he should not be in the single state.

However, I would also say that people who are loathing their singleness, and people who think that they cannot live without marriage are likewise in error, because they are not honoring God with their desires, but are being idolatrious towards marriage. Thus, whether one wants to be single or married, we have to ask the question as to whether or not we are able to serve God in the area we choose.

However, I agree with David that, if he can serve God as a single person, he should do so. If he says he doesn't need marriage, and is capible of controlling his own sexual desires, I don't have any complaint about what he said. I also don't think that it is wrong to admit that, because of the fall, married people will have problems. Calvin certainly admitted that, and I think that we should be honest with young singles, and tell them such.

All of the criticisms of David's post are based upon things that he never said.

Marci, you said:

How do you know that most of the men in his church do not have the gift of singleness? I would say that, because most of these men are content as they are, and are capible of serving God as they are that they *do* have the gift of singleness.

Also, Farmer Tom, the verse says and verse 22: "A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children's children," Apparently, you would also fail to be a good man if your children die in a car accident when they are young, and they fail to have children, because the text says that it is their children's children.

The fallacy in this interpretation is that this is not how we treat proverbial literature. For instance, take this text:

Proverbs 20:14 "Bad, bad," says the buyer, But when he goes his way, then he boasts.

Does that mean that every single buyer behaves in this fashion? No, he is stating a general fact about the way things are. And also, as a general truth, a good man will give an inheritance to his children's children.

Also, I would even wonder if that is what this text is talking about. Consider it in context with the previous verse:

Proverbs 13:21-22 Misfortune pursues the sinner, but prosperity is the reward of the righteous. 22 A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous.

It seems like, if we take the interpretation you gave, the second half of the verse [but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous] has absolutely nothing to do with the first. However, if we take it in context with the previous verse, It appears that we have a contrast between the good man and the wicked man.

It could mean then that it is the good man's goodness that will allow him to leave an inheritance to his children's children. Why? Because, as the previous verse says, "prosperity is the reward of the righteous." Thus, because the man is good, he will leave an inheritance to his children. However, the wicked, by contrast, will not give it to their children's children, because their wealth will be taken away, just as the previous verse says, "Misfortune pursues the sinner."

I myself have not studied this passage in detail, but that appears to me to be what is going on. Otherwise, you are left with the second half of the verse having no connection with the first half of the verse.

Hence, I would agree with John that I think most of the people here have been to hard on David. The only way your comments would be relevant is if his pastor didn't also extol the virtues of marriage, as well as recognizing the problems inherent in marriage because of the fall. Both sides need to be stated. First that marriage bears the same curses of the fall that all other relationships do, and that marriage is hard. However, we also need to set against that the virtues of marriage, and the idea that marriage is something that is very good.

God Bless,
Adam

82. k. said the following at 4:00 PM on Jul 31:

Shazia...I'm curious, how old are you? Your reference to living in a non-Christian home (where going to church might cause a stir) made me wonder. If you're dependent or a minor, then I agree you want to honor your parents. But if you're adult and able to provide for yourself, you might want to consider moving out. Churchgoing isn't important just for meeting people (which I'm sure you know) -- it's part of having a healthy walk with Christ, and fellowshipping with other believers.

It's possible that part of what your friends are trying to say is, "Bloom where you're planted," to resort to that corny phrase--not just saying, "Hey, no worries, singlehood is a gift too, so cheer up!" God uses *all* the circumstances we're in, even the ones that aren't so much fun. Of course you can make marriage a goal--that's a good desire! In the meantime, become a person that you would want to marry.

If I can say this gently, I think you might be expecting a bit too much from your friends...crying on their shoulders, wanting them to be "proactive" in finding a marriage partner for you, and then telling them you'd never attend their church (ouch). Of course you should worry about hurting their feelings -- they're your friends! (Especially after all that crying on their shoulders.)

As a side thought, you don't need to tell them you don't *ever* want to go to their church, unless you discover their church advocates human sacrifice or something. In general, I think churches are worth visiting yourself, just so you can make an informed decision about whether that's the right church home for you.

Finding a church and getting plugged in is hard, but worthwhile. And being single longer than you want can be frustrating and scary. Wishing you well in both searches! :)

83. Jennifer said the following at 4:43 PM on Jul 31:

Ted,

Many, many thanks for a well written and aptly timed blog post. But may I tweak it just a bit where you say that "your state is a gift"? We are to rejoice and be glad in each day that the Lord has made for us, but this does not mean that we are necessarily required to see all states as "gifts". I flipped around my concordance to see what the Bible truly deems as a gift and came up with the following:

Levites as gifts to Aaron (Numbers 8:19)

The service of priesthood (Numbers 18:7)

That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil (Ec 3:13)

Gifts to the poor, scattered abroad (Ps 112:9, 2Cor 9:9)

Land (Ezekiel 48)

What you receive when asked for (Matthew 7:7-12)

Living water (John 4:10)

The gift of the Holy Spirit (Luke 11:13, Act 1:4-5, Acts 2:38, Acts 10:45, 2Ti 1:6, Heb 6:4)

Grace (Romans 5:15, 2 Cor 9:14-15)

Justification (Romans 5:16, 18)

Righteousness (Romans 5:17)

Eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23)

Election and mercy (Romans 11:28-32)

“Charisma”: message of wisdom…the message of knowledge…faith…gifts of healing…miraculous powers…prophecy…to distinguish between spirits...speaking in different kinds of tongues…the interpretation of tongues (1 Cor 12:8-10) and those able to help others, those with gifts of administration (in verse 28). Abilities also mentioned in 1 Peter 4:10-11

Prophesy…the ability to fathom all mysteries and all knowledge (Romans 12:6, 1Cor 13:2, 1Cor 14:1)

Salvation through grace (Eph 2:8)

Every good and perfect gift is from above (James 1:17)

Birth through the word of truth (James 1:18)

the gracious gift of life (1 Peter 3:7)

The water of life (Rev 22:17)

Bottom line: lot's of things are identified as gifts in the Bible, positive things that make sense, but NOWHERE IS SINGLENESS IDENTIFIED AS A GIFT. Too much has been made of 1 Cor 7:7, which is really an inconsequential verse, Paul's preambulary personal disclaimer to verses 8 and 9 which are entirely about leaving it up to individuals to decide, as he did, to marry or not, in concert with whatever unique ways in which they are gifted (which he does not specify, but sexual containment is inferred, and perhaps a passion for a mission that outweighs sexual passion). We are to make this choice wisely and practically, with realistic consideration of our limitations rather than lingering in heat where we're tempted to sin.

A lot of people here are pointing out that some never get married, as if to assume that if it never happens, it's not "God's will", but I think that makes too many logical leaps with verses on sovereignty, too many claims that are only for God to make, not us. To say that "if you are single then you have the gift of singleness" (it was Al "Singles at the Crossroads" Hsu who wrote that, not Elliot), is an example of this kind of thinking-- and biblical vapidity is exactly what it is. The bible never applies the word "gift" to any kind of suffering, especially that which is caused by sin of self or others, except perhaps persecution for the sake of the church, as per 1 Peter 3. I know this flies in the face of people like Joni Earckisson who see their disabilities as gifts, but it's really not biblical to assume God's intentions in our circumstances, but to simply remain faithful in the face of adversity. Even if God is the originator of all things, not everything he gives is considered biblical to be a gift. When was the last time you heard the Ten Commandments referred to as a gift?

Over the past year, the GoS has been exposed as an unhelpful and unbiblical concept, even if the intentions of its originators (The Living Bible) were good. Numerous posts here attest to its confusing and immobilizing effects on singles who should otherwise feel no inhibitions about seeking marriage. Let's extinguish its use and begin by curbing our tendency to mischaractize of the word "gift", because if everything's a gift, then nothing's a gift, rendering the word entirely meaningless.

Enough already. THE GoS IS DEAD!!!

84. Jan said the following at 5:30 PM on Jul 31:

Ted,

You mentioned finding a church that supports the homeschooling movement and also supports marrying in a "timely" manner. But what should a person do if they are currently living in a country that doesn't have a homeschooling movement?

The church I attend here in the UK is full of young families but no single men my age. My only hope is to meet guys at the university.

85. David said the following at 7:11 PM on Jul 31:

Well My friend,
I must respectfully disagree with your
comment. I did not say that my focus
in life is financial security. It is
financial responsibility, there is a
difference and I will not apologize for it. From reading your comment one would get the impression that I have a big,grand home, boats and nice
expensive cars. Not so! My home is
a modest 3 bedroom bi-level. My car
is 10 yrs. old. I purchased it 10 yrs
ago and I've taken care of it. (Condemn me for that!)
The views of those Men in that Church,
were their views. No mine. However, I
have moved to a different state. The
Church I attend is an old one, the congregation is elderly. When I am not at my day job, I volunteer my carpentry skills to the church and to
the members who may have a need. I pay for everything and I charge them nothing. I do not mind being a blessing to these elderly people.
Finally, I am originally from the deep
South. My parents very, very Conservative, they really did not see
a reason for me to attend college, they wanted me married off my age 18,
they believe that the KJV is the only
"real bible". You are just like my
parents, they learn that Bible Oh-so-well and use it as a weapon the very
first chance they get, "Good Christians" that they are!

86. Mark Willard said the following at 7:54 PM on Jul 31:

Adam,

Maybe it's just me, but after your reading your clarifying comment I'm even more confused. You say:

"Also, there may be people who can control there sexual desires who want to get married. I wouldn't argue against that either. Thus, the only people who should seek after marriage are those who cannot control their desires."

So you wouldn't argue against someone marrying "who can control [their] sexual desires," yet only people who cannot control their desires should seek after marriage? Again, maybe I'm missing something but that kind of seems contradictory.

I'll re-state my question as clearly as I possibly can: is it wrong for someone to marry if they can control their sexual desires? What would be your definition of "control" here, and where do you get this Biblically? Again, I'm not trying to argue, just trying to understand where you're coming from.

87. Adam said the following at 8:08 PM on Jul 31:

Mark,

Ya, that statement was rather ambiguious. In other words, the only people who must seek marriage are the ones who do not have the gift of continence. However, if a person has the gift of continence, and still wants to get married, then he is free to do so.

I hope that clears up the ambiguity.

God Bless,
Adam

88. xeres said the following at 8:26 PM on Jul 31:

David,

I pray that you don't turn into a spiritual cynic like many people of my generation. I know you are hurt from what farmerTom said, which is uncalled for. However, society at large assumes the worse in teens and college students. Look at the teen movies. That's what is expected of young folks like me in this society. Therefore, they just griping about the bad stuff in my generation without offering any help on relationship at times. If we received it, we are treated like freaks or neurotics wasting their time rather than people in need out compassion and discipline. David, that's the reality but it doesn't make it alright.

That's why I love Boundless. They really care about young people and believe in what people are capable of their lives for Christ. I don't agree with everything but their passion for young people is something to be respected. Not many Christians are like these days

89. Adam said the following at 9:07 PM on Jul 31:

Jennifer,

The argumentation you just used would be roundly rejected by any grammarian of any language. First of all, your methodology is fallacious to just simply see every place in which the word gift is used by using a concordance?????, and then just simply concluding "singleness is never called a gift." As I have said to you before, you have to examine the context and structure of the passage in question before you can make a discision on the meaning of the passage. I hate to keep beating a dead horse, but notice the structure of the passage:

+Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am.
-However, each man has his own gift from God,
+one in this manner,
-and another in that.

Until you can deal with the parallelism that exists in this text, you cannot just go around looking up every instance of a word, and then say "see, in no other context is singleness a gift, so therefore, it must not be a gift here." That ignores the fact that words have meanings in contexts, and when you just look something up in a concordance, you isolate the word from that context.

Right here:

Psalm 119:29 Remove the false way from me, And graciously grant me Your law.

Second, again, I have to point out that you have committed a fundamental exegetical blunder. Using your logic, no where is the word trinity or "triune" used of God, therefore, God must not be triune, right? Whether or not a specific word is used in a specific place is inconsequential, given that the concept is definitely there. The idea of suffering producing perserverance, and thus, insuring our salvation is all over the letters of Paul. Indeed, we can see that our sufferings are things in which we are to rejoice. While the word is not there, the concept is.

Second, what does it mean to say that God "works all things after the council of his will" [Eph. 1:11]? Also, what does it mean that "whatever the Lord wills he does" [Daniel 4:35]?

I know this flies in the face of people like Joni Earckisson who see their disabilities as gifts, but it's really not biblical to assume God's intentions in our circumstances, but to simply remain faithful in the face of adversity.

So, then, aren't you saying that our suffering is purposeless? If you say that God does not intend anything for our suffering, then what you are saying is that our suffering just happens, and it has no meaning or purpose whatsoever. Imagine what would happen, then, if some terrible evil comes, and destroys God's plan for the world. Why couldn't it? You believe that there are purposeless events. What happens if a purposeless event happens, and has ramifications which destroy God's plan for the universe?

Not only that, but Joseph seems to have refused to take your advice:

Genesis 50:20 "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.

The Hebrew here is very straightfoward. In the same way that Joseph's brothers intended this evil, God also intended it, only for different purposes. Yet, you say Joseph should not be doing that. We could go into Acts 4:27-28:

Acts 4:27-28 "For truly in this city there were gathered together against Your holy servant Jesus, whom You anointed, both Herod and Pontius Pilate, along with the Gentiles and the peoples of Israel, 28 to do whatever Your hand and Your purpose predestined to occur.

Again, not only does it go against what passages such as Ephesians 1:11, Genesis 50:20, Acts 4:27-28 and Daniel 4:35 say, but it also makes it possible that the plan of God could be destroyed.

There is a good reason why it is that Joni and I say what we say as Calvinists about God's suffering. It is biblical. Until you actually deal with the exegetical issues involved in both the GOS as well as the issues of God's soverignty, all of your statements are totally untrustworthy.

Adam

90. Anakin Niceguy said the following at 9:25 PM on Jul 31:

A few observations:

1. Genesis 1:27-28 is not a command for us today. Those who say otherwise must account for the following: (i) Similiar language in pronouncing blessings which contradicts any notion of imperative language (Gen. 1:21-22; Gen. 24:60); (ii) the context, which shows it was given to Adam and Eve ("and God said to THEM"); (iii) the connection with filling the earth and having dominion over it (which the Bible declares is a done deal: Gen. 9:19; Psalms 8:4-8); (iv) and as one person mentioned here, the fact that our Lord and Savior said some could "CHOOSE" to be "eunuchs" (Matt. 19:12).

2. 1 Cor. 7:9 - "if they cannot" is a misleading translation. The passage is better translated - "if they will not contain." Gordon Fee in his scholarly commentary on 1 Corinthians (which Debbie Maken cites, by the way) has the following to say:

"For many later Christians this has been the troubling verse. Paul is seen to be arguing in v. 8 for all singles to stay that way, then as making allowance for marriage for those who cannot remain continent, for it is better to be married than to be consumed with sexual passion. But it is doubtful whether Paul's point is quite so stark. In the first place, Paul does not say (as the NIV), 'if they cannot control themselves.' Rather he says, 'if they do not, or are not practicing continence (or exercising self-control).' The implication is that some of these people are doing the same as some of the married in vv. 1-7, practicing 'sexual immorality,' that is, probably also going to prostitutes. The antidote for such sin is to get married instead.
"With an explanatory 'for' Paul appends a reason: 'It is better to marry (or to be married) than to burn.' This final word is the difficult one. The usage is clearly metaphorical, but it could refer either to burning with desire or burning in judgment (cf. 3:15). Since both of these can be supported from Jewish sources, that evidence is not decisive. The question must finally be decided contextually, and by Paul's usage in 2 Cor. 11:29, which is almost certainly a metaphor for inner passion. Even though the larger context, including the warning in 6:9-10, could be argued to support the judgment metaphor, such an idea is missing from the immediate context altogether. It seems more likely, therefore, that Paul intended that those who are committing sexual sins should rather marry than be consumed by the passions of their sins.

"In this case, then, Paul is not so much offering marriage as the remedy for the sexual desire of 'enflamed youth,' which is the most common way of viewing the text, but as the proper alternative for those who are already consumed by that desire and are sinning." (Fee, 288-289)

I will also add that the Sexual Desire interpretation doesn't work for the simple fact the Paul speaks of the "burn" NEGATIVELY. Equating it with sexual desire means married people would have to stop wanting sex once they got married. Not a tenable position, to say the least.

3. Marriage mandate proponents often quote passages about marriage and children being a blessing and call into question whether or not others respect God's wisdom in that regard. However, this ignores Paul's statement that not all things that are lawful are expedient (1 Cor. 6:12). 1 Cor. 7:27-28 furnishes us with an approved apostolic example of turning down something that is a blessing in principal because of practical considerations ... and leaving that choice to the people involved. It's a principle that blows a hole a mile wide into any thinking that automatically translates God's "gifts" into a matter of duty.

I will also note that I do not see marriage mandate proponents chastising those who go on diets for refusing God's bountiful blessings of food and drink. Why? Aren't food and drink to be received with thanksgiving? But 1 Tim. 4:3 is only quoted against those who don't want to marry. Sheer inconsistency.

4. Marriage in principal may indeed be ordained of God, but so is the Church. Some marriage mandate proponents would have us condemn any admission that one's marriage is unhappy or that one wishes they were single. Any criticism of marriage in today's society is considered verboten. But a thing as it exists in this fallen world is not always the same as its ideal. Really, shall we time warp back to Luther's day and tell him that his criticism of the Catholic Church was wrong because he was insulting the bride of Christ? Marriage is indeed instituted by God, but the current configuration as it is seen in our Western society isn't.

91. Tamara said the following at 9:47 PM on Jul 31:

Ted,
I appreciate and agree with your thoughts that most should pursue and prepare for marriage--no argument there. What baffles me is how you (and others) interpret this passage to say that the "gift of singleness" is the removal of sexual desire. In the immediate context Paul seems to imply that what allows him to remain single is self-control, not a lack of passion. Paul says if we cannot show self-control (i.e., we're burning with passion) we should get married. It seems he is saying the key to singleness is self-control, not having God miraculously remove our sexual desire (a concept I can't find ever talked about in other passages, whereas self-control definitely is). The contrast is: "either show self-control, or get married," not, "either God has removed your sexual desire, or you should get married." Why else would Paul bring up self-control? If there's no desire, there's no need for self-control. If we expect God to remove sexual desire, we seem to be missing Paul's point.

A call to pay attention to these two little words might alleviate the frustration of a lot of singles who are wondering why God has neither given them the "gift of singleness" (which I'm not convinced exists) nor a spouse. Singleness may very well be one of God's tools to teach us self-control, and what a tragedy to miss such a precious lesson and fruit of the Spirit! Can't we consider both singleness and marriage to be states that God wants to use to work toward our good--ie, our conformity to the image of Christ?

In her book "Discipline: the Glad Surrender," Elizabeth Elliot says “To offer my body to the Lord as a living sacrifice includes offering to Him my sexuality and all that that entails, even my unfulfilled longings.” As a single woman in full-time ministry, God has taught me so much as I have learned to bring and surrender all my longings to Him. It seems to me that singleness is an important and extremely common struggle that God allows into women's lives, and that leads me to believe that He wants to use it as a tool to teach us and mold us into His image, just as He may someday use marriage. I am thankful that God has used it in my life, just as I pray He'll someday use marriage to do the same thing.

In Him,
Tamara

92. Tami said the following at 9:56 PM on Jul 31:

I know... let's start calling it the "charisma of singleness." That adds some panache. ;)

Seriously, now...

Jennifer -- thanks for listing all those gifts you found in the Bible. Above all, it's a reminder of all the important blessings and gifts we *really do* have.

93. James said the following at 10:17 PM on Jul 31:

I'm shocked that no one has brought up the reason that most people should get married (I mean this for not just Christians, but for ALL humans): GOD DESIGNED US FOR IT. Need exegetical proof? Genesis, my friends. "It is not good that man should be alone." God said this BEFORE the fall, so Adam's loneliness was something God put in him that He did not "by default" intend to fill by Himself directly. Instead, He created Eve.

The story of the first marriage is the basis for this common phrase throughout the Old and New Testaments: "For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and become one flesh."

God DESIGNED us for marriage, and unless He intervenes directly and gives you the gift of being content in being celebate all your life, then you should see yourself as one who should get married. The reason for this is God's design. This is something that dates from even before sin entered the world through Adam. This is simple fact: most of us are called to be married (marriage is one of those things in that category called "common grace"), b/c that's the way God built us.

94. Leah said the following at 12:01 AM on Aug 1:

David, you can't seriously use the comments of the men in your bible study as evidence that you shouldn't get married. These men are clearly out of line. They don't deserve their wives if that is how they feel about them. PAUL might say it is good not to marry, but GOD says it is good to marry. I know who I'd rather listen to.

95. Leah said the following at 12:05 AM on Aug 1:

David, if you are accusing people of learning the bible and using it as a weapon, I congratulate those people. Hebrews 4:12 says the word of God is a double-edged sword. It *is* a weapon, against Satan and things of Satan. If you are doing something that the Bible contradicts, do not get mad at those pointing it out to you. It isn't their fault.

PS: I am not saying what you're doing is of Satan. I wouldn't know. I'm just saying that the Word of God is most definitely a weapon.

96. BDB said the following at 12:08 AM on Aug 1:

Adam wrote:

>>question before you can make a discision<<

Instead of decision...

>>insuring our salvation is all over the letters of Paul.<<

Instead of "ensuring."

Goodness, if you're going to criticize someone for a lack of attention to detail, at least check your spelling!

Jennifer took an interesting approach - and that's exactly what a concordance is good at: looking up all the different ways a word is used. Sure, she could have used a strong's concordance and gotten specific about the greek, but it was refreshing to see the entire list of gifts in the Bible - it's clear that "gifts" from God don't seem to be focused on our relationships to other people.

97. Leah said the following at 12:12 AM on Aug 1:

farmerTom, you clearly took Proverbs 13:22 out of context. That verse does not mean men without children are bad.

I strongly disagree with what david said too, but you are just as bad as him, accusing him of things he has not said, putting words into his mouth. Making a public prayer about this man being a "reproach to the church" makes you the equal of the pharisee you stood on the corner, praying about the tax collector. How self-righteous of you.

I agree that David's attitude seems to be wrong, but there's no evidence that he's self-seeking or spineless. He just hasn't given himself a reason to actually pursue women (don't get me wrong- I believe that is wrong of him).

98. Naomi said the following at 2:26 AM on Aug 1:

I don't know why there are such violent reactions. All Ted did was put out something from the Word, and now it seems we're using the Word as a sword to attack the same ... Word?

Guys, it's simple. The Word is the Word. It says, "...they should marry." Can you change what is written?

I don't think so.

Now, I don't see God or any angels pushing you to get hitched with the next best Christian man or woman you see! No one's pulling the wedding bells on you!

So relax... and discern.

(For the record, I just turned 30 today and I have no prospects as of this point. But I think this article is as it is. It's the Word of God. So everything from the Word of God is good.)

99. farmer Tom said the following at 5:26 AM on Aug 1:

James,

AMEN

100. David said the following at 5:47 AM on Aug 1:

100

Mark,
I am proably the type of person that Adam is talking about. I am a christian for almost three decades now. I believe I have self control (virginity) while it has NOT been easy I still desire to marry. However I work as a doctor/missions and most women can't keep up with me to be frank. So I wait. I also come from from a very heavy pentecostal background that has always taught the importance of being in the very center of God's will regarding marraige. Most people aren't when they marry IMO because they cannot wait... Although because of covenant and love of Christ and fear of God people make it work. (They have no choice at that point though.
I have very strong opinions about this and a high view of sex that most christians proably don't have.)
My 2 cents.

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