Romantic Comedies No Laughing Matter
by Suzanne Hadley on 07/02/2007 at 5:26 PM
Today I read an article that hit me right between the eyes. "The Chick Flick Unveiled" by Ashleigh Kittle Slater (aka Ted's wife), was written for college-age girls but is relevant to all females.
Here is what this article revealed to me: On a cognitive level, I recognize that many of the romantic norms promoted by romantic comedies are erroneous, but still, on some level, I buy into them. Common chick flick errors Ashleigh addresses are the fantasy of reforming a "bad boy," the underrating of commitment and the normality of premarital sex.
Of course, I would never actually believe that sex is OK outside of marriage or that I should date a person with values shockingly different than my own, but the films lay these out as attractive possibilities that cause me to sigh. This article reminded me of the importance of being alert to the untruths I may be absorbing through the movies I enjoy. Ashleigh writes:
Am I suggesting we stop watching chick flicks? Certainly not. If we did, I'd have to throw out at least a dozen DVDs. What I'm saying is this: Not only do we need to exercise caution in what messages we feed ourselves via the media, but we need to combat lies with the truth.
How can we do this? First, in the area of romance, God should be our guide, not Hollywood screenwriters. As a former film student, I quickly learned that integrity of message isn't a prime motivator in writing a script. Hidden agendas, political views and, most important, the power of the almighty dollar come into play. We shouldn't trust those who don't have our best interests in mind to influence our thinking and behavior in romantic matters.
Hollywood does not care about young women finding true love or having healthy, vibrant relationships and marriages; it only cares about money. As Ashleigh concludes, "God, on the other hand, is for us." Renewing our minds with His views on romance will reap far more benefits than entertaining the unrealistic, and unsatisfying, view of love portrayed in movies.
1. Ivy said the following at 6:01 PM on Jul 2
I know it's not what the blog was about at all, but thank you for the reminder that God is for me. It's been a rough day, and I needed to feel like someone was on my side. Your comment made me feel wanted and loved again. Thank you!
2. Nikki said the following at 6:33 PM on Jul 2
I find this line interesting "Am I suggesting we stop watching chick flicks? No". After describing all the alluring lies (acted out by beautiful people that appeal to our flesh) that we must "combat", we still have a hard time letting go of a plesure like this completely. It seems to me that finding out about the content of a movie before watching it and making a better use of our time is a much wiser choice than filling our minds with lies (and paying for it), then trying to undo the damage later.
3. Jamie said the following at 6:51 PM on Jul 2
Suzanne, you quote Ashleigh as saying, "Am I suggesting we stop watching chick flicks? Certainly not." I don't follow the logic here. If chick flicks offer such a distorted picture of romance, is it legitimate to be watching them?
4. Kelly said the following at 7:18 PM on Jul 2
I'm one who HAS given up watching chick flicks. I can no longer stomach the horrible lies portrayed on screen.
I understand how much of a 'soul bond' physical interaction can cause. While still a virgin, even the kissing I did indulge in caused me to become far more attached to my ex-boyfriend than I should have been. So much emotional damage - because society had taught me it was okay to kiss and walk away!
I pray for God to watch over young girls who watch these messages and learn the same wrong lessons that I did. And refuse to watch any more of it, because the money I hand over is supporting the industry and that's the last thing I want to do.
5. Laura S said the following at 7:32 PM on Jul 2
Nikki and Jamie, I agree that Ashleigh's comment seems contradictory. Perhaps the following quote should have been included in this blog post:
"So, the next time I feel the need to indulge in a chick flick, I may shy away from some of the modern offerings and stick with some of my favorites—Sarah: Plain and Tall, Pride and Prejudice and Anne of Green Gables."
6. Corinne said the following at 7:40 PM on Jul 2
I admit that I'm a pretty big romance sap, and I thoroughly enjoy watching chick flicks. However, I have been thinking more lately, especially after reading Ashleigh's article, about how bad these movies can be for us. I am beginning to steer away from the more "modern" chick flicks to classics like Singin' in the Rain and others from the 40s-50s. While these movies aren't perfect either, they have a lot less crass junk in them. One thing I have noticed while watching old and especially new chick flicks is not that I want relationships like ones in the movies with guys like the movie characters, but rather, these movies make me want to wait even more for a relationship with a Godly guy. I watch these bad situations and relationships, and it makes me so thankful that I'm trusting God to bring the right guy into my life at the right time, hopefully under much better circumstances than in many movies. So, while these flicks can sometimes cause unrealistic expectations and promote not so cool ideals, they can provide some encouragement for Christians to rest in God's promises and timing for relationships.
7. xeres said the following at 7:45 PM on Jul 2
Girls,
The point of the original article is that we need to practice intelligent discernment, and be more real with how media can make things look very credible regardless of what your value system is just to get you to watch something. Also, we not need to go to extremes regarding of cultural engagement as Christians, as Ashleigh is trying to convey regarding of movies. I mean, she can't tell you whether you should or shouldn't watch chick flicks as well as just movies in general, knowing saying either way will not do any good.
8. Joseph said the following at 8:06 PM on Jul 2
I have to admit as a guy I enjoy chick flicks but I understand that the ideas expressed in them are there for one reason and that is entertainment. I don't think women are being enough credit here because I find it hard to believe that they would actually think the far fetched things that happen in them can carry over to real life.
Real life is way more exciting than any chick flick.
9. Ashleigh Slater said the following at 8:21 PM on Jul 2
I thought I'd weigh in on this discussion. While the article was just published last month, I actually wrote it a year and a half ago. So I've had a lot of time to think about chick flicks in more depth since then.
Nikki, you said:
I completely and wholeheartedly agree with you! Thank you for clearly stating that since I only alluded to it when I wrote, "Not only do we need to exercise caution in what messages we feed ourselves via the media...."
I believe that media discernment is SO important. We definitely need to find out what chick flicks are about, not only content wise, but worldview wise BEFORE going to the theater.
And, while I don't believe all of us need to give chick flicks up completely (for those of you that have, stay obedient to how you feel God is leading you in that area), we do have to be willing not to go see a particular chick flick if the Christian reviews we read aren't favorable.
I lacked discernment in watching the made-for-tv movie I referenced in the article, I should have read reviews before I even considered watching it, but I didn't. Or, I should have at least turned it off when it veered in the direction of promoting premarital sex. I've definitely learned my lesson.
Also, to clarify, a motivation behind writing this article was that a lot of teen girls go see these films unequipped and they may not have the guidance at home teaching them how to exercise discernment. I wanted them to realize that the stories aren't what they seem.
Jamie, I also think it's important to realize that not all chick flicks "offer a distorted picture of romance." There are some out there that are worth watching. We just have to learn which films these are.
10. Chris said the following at 8:23 PM on Jul 2
Suzanne writes: "Hollywood does not care about young women finding true love or having healthy, vibrant relationships and marriages; it only cares about money."
And here I thought Hollywood cared about protecting us from alien bugs (Starship Troopers), flightless waterfowl (March of the Penguins) and keeping Warren Beatty gainfully employed (Ishtar).
All sarcasm aside, of course Hollywood only cares about money, just like 99% of other businesses. That's why bad, cheap movies are preferred over critically acclaimed works that make less money. The fact of the matter is movies like these are made *because* *people* *pay* *to* *see* *them.* If no one did, the movies wouldn't get made. Hollywood is a reflection of the culture, not vice versa.
If people paid for more movies like "The Princess Bride" and less for the standard "chick flick", we'd see more quality movies and less fluff.
11. Scott said the following at 8:53 PM on Jul 2
Not even just chick flicks, but even the nice, G-rated Disney movies seem to have given many of even the more level-headed and realistic young women I know some very bad ideas about romance.
I can't stand most romances/chick flicks because of the superficiality and extremely negative ideas that women are especially vulnerable to just as the pointless random sex scenes are placed in "guy movies" stir the worst ideas in men. The point is that a lot of discernment is needed, as I think we easily underestimate the influence visual media has upon us.
There is a drama/romance that is worth watching, whether one is a guy or girl, and it's Best Years of Our Lives. I first had to see it for a class, and I was blown away to see the extraordinary relational unselfishness promoted within the film - it's refreshing and rare. For what it's worth, it's also the only film where an actor won 2 oscars for the same role.
12. Jethro said the following at 10:37 PM on Jul 2
Maybe we're just over analyzing it? It's a movie people. If someone wants to watch it - go for it I say!
If you're silly enough to think that everything which happens on the movies happens in real life too, then you deserve what you get.
13. Phil said the following at 3:17 AM on Jul 3
I find a sense of humour about the silly cliches helps.
For example, I used to enjoy watching the O.C. with my housemates and noticed that whenever the main characters (Ryan and Marissa) had a problem, the conversation would proceed like this:
Ryan: Let's talk.
Marissa: (Blah blah)
Ryan: Yeah.
Then they'd kiss for ages, and everything would be all right again.
It happened so often it made such scenes pretty funny, and defused any possibility of us being taken in by its assumptions of what constitutes a healthy relationship.
14. Ben Winter said the following at 5:14 AM on Jul 3
Kelly
I can understand you very well. Being a man it wasn't chick flicks but I got wrong messages from movies (and other types of media) for years as well. And you are right IT IS POSSIBLE to give up that stuff.
There is decent stuff you can watch, and I can spend my time very well with senseful hobbies. I just don't go to the cinemas or buy DVDs with bad movies so they make no money from me.
HELLywood needs us (our money) - we don't need them!
I just do the same and no longer support an industry that is making money on the violation of my values and so leads people to suffer serious damage in their hearts and souls like I did (or even worse).
You described the pain you had while still saving your virginity and I can tell you are lucky you haven't been into more.
I am that far that sex on the screen really makes me look away - I really prefer old movies cause there is romance which end in a relationship and doesn't start with sex (often a one-night-stnad or the like) - from modern movies you gotta watch e.g. "die hard" or "Rambo" to have a film without any sex!
Ridiculous!
15. mindlab said the following at 6:56 AM on Jul 3
I don't want to be judgmental or harsh in saying this, but I'm seeing a disturbing tendency expressed in Ashleigh's words, "Am I suggesting we stop watching chick flicks? Certainly not." Let me paraphrase:
"Am I suggesting that having identified a source of lies and deceit that we are filling our minds with, this source having no redeeming value whatsoever, am I suggesting we do the obvious thing and stop filling our minds with lies? Certainly not."
For contrast, let me set this same story from a guy's point of view:
"Am I suggesting we stop watching soft porn movies? Certainly not. If we did, I'd have to throw out at least a dozen DVDs. What I'm saying is this: Not only do we need to exercise caution in which soft porn movies we watch, but we should read our Bible before and after watching, and keep reminding ourselves that even though the movie characters are happy and fulfilled in their sin, the real world doesn't work that way."
As you've probably gathered, I do not like this line of reasoning one bit. There are certainly activities that we all take part in that have potential to lead us into sin; in these cases, after prayerful consideration, we may carefully continue to take part in those activities for their redeeming value. However, simply refusing to state (and DO) the obvious (stop watching attractive lies) because it would be too ‘extreme’ is not a viable position. It's a serious compromise.
16. xeres said the following at 9:54 AM on Jul 3
Midlab, I understand what you are saying
However, think about it what she really is trying to say. Let's pretend I wrote something about alcohol abuse just to get an idea a little bit. I describe the dangers and issues regarding of alcohol abuse such as drunkenesss and stuff like drunk driving, alcoholism and etc in an article. I also explain how some some ads glorify drunkeness and so on. During the course of the article, I explicitly say that everybody should stop drinking alcohol ever. Problem with that is it doesn't acknowledge that not every one is having problems with alcohol. Plus, alcohol itself is not a sin. Drunkeness is. Just for the record, I choose to abstain alcohol. However, I know people who drink alcohol and never abuse it.
Sorry mindlab but I think you are being unfair on this on.
17. Suzanne said the following at 9:55 AM on Jul 3
Mindlab,
I suggest you read Ashleigh's article in it's entirety. I think you will discover that your comparison to porn is way off base. She goes on to suggest women watch "chick flicks" that deliver a wholesome message about love and relationships, such as Anne of Green Gables, Pride and Prejudice and Sarah Plain and Tall. Wholesome chick flicks are out there; the same cannot be said for porn.
18. Esther said the following at 10:36 AM on Jul 3
The most dangerous aspect of chick flicks, in my mind, is the unspoken assumption that attraction and feelings cannot be ignored. If you are engaged, and love your fiance, but feel attracted to the caterer, then it is acceptable to flirt and see what happens. Yes, feelings can be very strong, and attraction is a powerful force. So, unless we have a model and mindset that says "doing the right thing IS the right thing", it is quite easy to feel that you MUST follow your feelings. Chick flicks often do a good job of portraying the connection, the emotions of attraction and sexual tension ("chemistry"), and usually have some sort of happy ending, even when the characters do all sorts of foolish, ungodly and destructive things. I've come to avoid these kinds of films, just like I avoid (even Christian) romance novels. The main sign to myself that it's a good thing is how shocked and bothered I am when I get roped into watching one with friends.
19. nikki said the following at 10:43 AM on Jul 3
Maybe I'm being too easy on "chick flicks" here. But, I am surprised at the idea that some of you ladies will take what is portrayed in a movie to be what is true, or at least that a fictional story would cause you discontent in your own lives. Maybe that's not accurate, but that's what it seems like from these comments here. I really hope no one actually starts thinking their life will work like their favorite movie, or movies in general. If that's the case, you have a more serious issue to deal with than "lies and deceit" in movies. I mean really. Those movies aren't made to portray reality. How is that a lie, then? There are no presumptions. The movies are meant to cater to the flighty, sappy female crowd with some mindless entertainment. NOT be a portrayal of what our lives should all look like. So why is it that we can't stand to watch them? Because "they are full of lies"? (Not downplaying promiscuity here.) Once you realize that the stories are FAKE, there isn't the issue of wishing your love life was filmworthy, or whatever it is those movies do to your heart. It's not real. We are adults, and we shouldn't blame movies or "the media" for our personal relational issues. If we have a balanced, healthy, moral worldview and outlook on life, and realize that movies are fiction, then we won't be heartbroken or catapaulted into sin when we watch those chick flicks.
(I guess I have it easy. I usually don't watch them, but it's because they're often boring with pathetic plots.)
If anything, I'd want my daughters (one day) not to watch kid-oriented Disney movies when they are young...too impressionable for skanky outfits and stuff like that.
20. Scott said the following at 11:16 AM on Jul 3
Mindlab, very well said.
"However, simply refusing to state (and DO) the obvious (stop watching attractive lies) because it would be too ‘extreme’ is not a viable position. It's a serious compromise."
I totally agree.
21. J-Twinkle said the following at 12:26 PM on Jul 3
Mindlab, I think you're missing the big picture....
throwing out the chick flick doesn't change the underlying emotions that are feeding off of them, neither does it address the needs that are being perverted in the film. Many times you wind up trading one addiction or action for another, never dealing with the thinking that spawned such action in the first place.
So let's get to the point:
Chick flicks capitalize on the desire to be loved, wanted, and needed by another in a romantic ocntext.
They create an unfair standard for guys by creating a fantasy of what relationships are supposed to be like.
But they don't eliminate the desire for love, they create an inacurate picture of what true love is.
22. mindlab said the following at 1:12 PM on Jul 3
Suzanne,
In so far as there are ‘chick flicks’ that are wholesome, then my analogy to pornography is off base. My analogy was based on the original article’s characterization of chick flicks as deceptively portraying various sinful activities as positive choices. Examples of such sinful behavior portrayed in a positive light include: cohabitation, secretly violating an engagement, minimizing the importance of marriage, minimizing the importance of sexual purity, and minimizing the consequences of fornication.
In the last several paragraphs of the original article, Ashleigh stops short of stating the obvious conclusion: that choosing to watch such deceitful movies is wrong. Instead, she softly suggests modifying our viewing habits, but is apparently careful to avoid calling sin. . . sin.
I chose porn as a parallel to ‘chick flicks’ because, just as ‘chick flicks’ like the ones characterized in Ashleigh’s article tell lies that (some) women find appealing, porn tells lies that (many) men find appealing. The lies are different, but they both lie none the less.
I did not mean to draw a blanket parallel between ‘chick flicks’ and porn; I was trying to use an extreme case of deception (porn) to illustrate that watching morally deceptive material is a sin. This begs the question, “How morally deceptive must a movie (or book) be before it becomes unacceptable?” Is Shakespeare ok? Canterbury Tales? Oliver Twist? C.S. Lewis’s Trilogy? Where’s the line?
23. mindlab said the following at 1:18 PM on Jul 3
J-Twinkle,
Precisely, "(chick flicks)" create an inaccurate picture of what true love is" for women, whereas pornography creates an inaccurate picture of what true love is for men.
I like the phrase "but we need to combat lies with the truth." This is obvious, and as everyone already knows, the best way to combat lies in your life is to minimize exposure to them. You cannot claim to be "combating lies with the truth" while continuing to intake deceptive material. That's not combat, it's implicit surrender.
24. Ivy said the following at 2:45 PM on Jul 3
nikki-
I consider myself a mature adult, who knows the lies that are being told through most chick flicks. BUT at the same time, there's still that part of me that wants what is being portrayed because we want that feeling of being loved and wanted and pursued.
A friend of mine was telling me that she doesn't like chick flicks because it makes her want those feelings that a new relationship brings. She is married and has an adorable 10 month old, and couldn't be happier, but still she hates that feeling of longing she gets when watching these types of movies.
It's all well and good to say we are mature and smart enough to tell lie from truth, but I don't like being lied too, why should I pay good money for a lie?
25. Lauren said the following at 4:56 PM on Jul 3
The crazy part when I watch Chick Flicks is not so much the bad boy being saved or the premarital sex; but the unrealistic expectations that are put into my heart. And "I am talking Pride and Prejudice"
Being single I think "where is this guy who will be that amazing? Who will win my heart at any cost? Why is my life so boring?" as I sit with a pint of Haagan Daaz.Yes I do seem to watch these movies when feeling sorry for myself.
Most relationships start pretty normally, and although there is the honeymoon period, the love that lasts is the love that stays committed through thick and thin (in your most of the time) normal hum drum life.
I think we all are stumbled in different ways and the question is do we want to grow stronger, or do we want to continue pulling ourselves down.
If chick flicks are not an issue according to your conscience and the word then keep watching; but if not why watch?!
26. Lynette said the following at 8:30 AM on Jul 4
I think what Lauren said, "Who will win my heart at any cost," is why women love chick-flicks. And of course, the One who does that is Christ. When this need is truly met in Him, girls can still enjoy a good romance movie and recognize how aspects of a love story can lead back to Christ.
For example, in "Lake House," how the lead character planted trees by her apartment building, because he knew in the future that she would one day walk there. It reminds me of the Scripture that states God has good works planned in advance for us to walk in (Eph. 2:10).
27. Leah said the following at 6:03 AM on Jul 5
I agree that Ashleigh's statement was contradictory, but then again, I disagree with the general gist of the article. Sure, there are lies in chick flicks, but there are lies in everything. it's the same old message all over again- "there's bad stuff in there so you need to exercise caution in what you watch".
And not all chick-flicks fit that description. Sure, most will fit at least ONE aspect listed by Ashleigh, but all of them? Definitely not.
And she thinks Pride and Prejudice is wholesome? Ha. What's "wholesome"? Because by your typical Boundless contributor's standards, it's not. It is by society's standards, sure, but not in comparison to what Ashleigh was discussing. Don't get me wrong, I love the story, but I still think Ashleigh is being contradictory.
I mean, REALLY. By these standards, the bible is unwholesome. Or, should be read with caution at any rate.
GOD GAVE US COMMON SENSE FOR A REASON. Pity it's not so common any more.
28. Bri said the following at 12:39 AM on Jul 6
I keep reading comments that insinuate that women are watching these films and believing them to be exact replicas of the real world. I highly doubt anyone reading these blogs would say that they think their life or even the lives of those they know mirrors any romantic film. Let's try not to be condescending. In a culture where we are faced an over-saturation of media, I would like to think that most of us have become quite savvy in the way we process this inundation of information.
I, for the record, sometimes fall into the category of being caught up in the sweeping emotions shown on the screen. Do I really think that Sandra Bullock's characters are an example to live my life to achieve the perfect romantic relationship? Please. But I do think that many women find themselves wondering to themselves, or to their friends, 'Why can't that happen to me?' Or, 'If only I met a man who was as kind and sensitive but also rugged and strong..."
At the very least, getting too wrapped up in films like these can be detrimental to expectations. I am as guilty of this as anyone. I know that I don't mean to sometimes use fictional men and situations to shape my thoughts on how my future marriage will be, or even my future husband for that matter. I want God to be the only shaper of my thoughts on love, life and marriage (amongst other areas). But I know that I have caught myself thinking “What if...” on more than one occasion, and I think that’s where the biggest problem lies. I believe that for most women, like me, it becomes an issue of guarding our hearts. We must be careful not to accidentally take to heart ideals projected in romantic comedies that may look rosy on the screen but are clearly unhealthy in some form.
29. keightie said the following at 8:05 PM on Jul 9
I don't think it's condescending in the least to say to women that they might not be strong enough to take in the devil's ten-truths-and-a-lie scheme when it comes to romance and not start to compromise or allow it to shape their thoughts. One of the Deceiver's greatest strongholds in women today is that they need to look for love and acceptance apart from their Heavenly Father who stands with open arms, ready to give it to them. Once they accept that, they are prepared to receive human love in its proper context, as a gift from God if it is in his will to give it.
And instead of listening to watered-down or half-true love stories on screen or in books, I recommend the very true love story of Jim and Elisabeth Elliot, as chronicled in the book Passion and Purity (A much more God-glorifying P&P than anything Jane Austen ever wrote!) which shows the realities of love, sacrifice, and unconditional trust in God and how surrender to him created a beautiful love story marked by obedience, purity, and respect. READ IT! Two or three times if you have to. I do every time I have the option of watching a less-than-wholesome chick flick on T.V.