The Intersection of Kids, Marriage and Happiness
by Steve Watters on 07/12/2007 at 10:59 AM
Married couples can't make kids the centerpiece of their marital happiness. That's a point Dr. Laura Berman made in a commentary for the Chicago Sun-Times earlier this week called "Are kids making you miss bliss?" In the midst of the challenges of parenting, couples definitely need the date nights and marriage investment Dr. Berman recommends in order to stem the drop in marital satisfaction typical of the parenting years.
What's confusing are Dr. Berman's side comments about parenting outside of marriage and postponing childbirth.
Regarding solo parenting, she says that "since single parenthood is not as stigmatized as it once was, women and men feel more comfortable taking on the responsibility of children on their own." That's true, but what does that trend have to do with marital bliss? What study connects bliss and voluntary solo parenting?
The reality is the opposite and the numerous disadvantages of solo parenting have been documented clearly by Kay Hymowitz in her book Marriage and Caste in America. This book shows that putting children before marriage is a disaster for the kids -- especially when it comes to their chances for future martial bliss.
On the topic of delaying children, Dr. Berman says that "thanks to the latest advances in fertility medicine, women are now able to focus more on their careers and postpone childbirth." This is also true, but while DINKs (double income no kids) are able to enjoy the bliss of the pre-parenting years, many are growing more illiterate about their own fertility (as witnessed in studies by the American Fertility Association) and are headed for the marital satisfaction train wreck that occurs when couples find out they even today's great technology can't help them after they've hit snooze on their biological clocks one too many times.
When it comes to happiness, intentional single parenting and postponing children are not the path. The same study Dr. Berman mentions (by Pew Research, but inadvertently attributed to Johns Hopkins University) shows that married couples with kids are very happy with their lives. Some 55 percent of survey respondents who were married, never-divorced parents reported being "very satisfied" with their lives overall, compared to just 40 percent of the general population.
While surveys may show that parents are realistic about the challenges of raising kids today, they still bear out the overall satisfaction [this should say "happiness" instead of "satisfaction"--SW July 12] that comes (both for marriages and children) when parents follow the script of getting married and then having children within their window of fertility.
1. Sara said the following at 1:28 PM on Jul 12:
That's odd, many of the studies I've come across find that having children decreases marital happiness until the children leave home. I just looked up a few, from different years:
"The impact of the first child on marital happiness" by Dalgas-Pelish
http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/abs/10.1046/j.1365-2648.1993.18030437.x
"Partner + Children = Happiness?" by Kohler et al. http://72.14.205.104/search?q=cache:b-bAEqdHBZ4J:www.spc.uchicago.edu/prc/pdfs/kohler05.pdf+partner%2Bchildren%3D+happiness&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=3&gl=ca
"Children and Marital Happiness: Why the Negative Correlation?" White et al. http://jfi.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/7/2/131
"Transitions to Parenthood" Cowan et al. http://jfi.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/6/4/451
"Correlates of Dissatisfaction in Marriage" by Renne http://www.jstor.org/view/00222445/ap020027/02a00090/0
Some of these are old, though I can't see why parenting would have become more satisfying in the 'OOs than it was in the '80s & '90s.
2. Steve Watters said the following at 2:27 PM on Jul 12:
To Sara's point, what changes after children enter a marriage is "marital satisfaction" not "happiness." Studies consistently show that couples see a decrease of satisfaction in their marriage as they take on the challenges of children and have less time and energy for their marriage.
What the Pew Survey shows, however, is that those same couples rank their children as a strong source of their general "happiness." It also shows that married couples with kids report a higher overall rate of happiness than the general population.
3. DannieA said the following at 2:58 PM on Jul 12:
I actually think that it is commendable that single parents can parent without shame in this day and age.
I'm not advocating pre-marital sex; but I do think it's important that everything have a balanced perspective on whom we advocate for and on whom we "stigmatize"
4. mindlab said the following at 3:00 PM on Jul 12:
In reply to Sara:
I'm guessing that the effect children have on 'marital satisfaction' is heavily dependent on the priorities of the married persons. If two people get married so that they'll have a partner to party with/sleep with/vacation with, then children are a drag. If two people get married because they see that God is calling them together to glorify Him through marriage and the children he may give them, then children are a blessing.
Frankly, I can't imagine anything I will likely accomplish in my life more significant than the raising of my children. The buildings I build and the money I earn will disappear quickly, but the spiritual heritage I build with my wife into my children will matter for "1000 generations". I don't know who 'she' is yet, but I'm already looking forward to kids.
5. Anonymous said the following at 3:15 PM on Jul 12:
How does this "window of fertility" impact the single Christian women who are "waiting" (and waiting, and waiting...) on the Lord for a husband?
Maybe until their 40s, or even beyond?
Is there an accompanying "gift of barrenness" that will be suddenly be revealed in the 21st Century, to go with the "gift of singleness" that was revealed in the late 20th Century?
6. Mandi said the following at 3:20 PM on Jul 12:
In a recent spiritual retreat where this was discussed, the leader made the point that after children, some couples make the mistake of just turning into parents, forgetting or neglecting the primary relationship in marriage: between Christ and the spouses. That might be why many people report lower levels of marital satisfaction. (Obviously, non-Christ-centred marital relationships would drive these numbers of dissatisfaction even higher.)
My instinct (without yet being married or having children) is to say that if God made marriage and is interested in thriving marriages, and God made marital love to sometimes result in children (and marriage as the best context within which to raise them), then the children that God gives can't be undermining marriages. We do. Otherwise, it would mean that God would be deliberately introducing elements into a marriage to undermine the very thing that He hates seeing destroyed. We make choices that undermine our marriages when children arrive. Is that far off as a married dad, Steve?
7. nikki said the following at 3:28 PM on Jul 12:
I am not an expert by any means. But I would guess many peoples' marriages are neglected during the time they focus on their kids. My mom was just talking to me about this last night. There are many couples that let their marriages slide while their kids are little...there are many books and self-help mediums out there attesting to this. The couples (like my parents) who have continually put effort and plain-old-work into their marriage will be satisfied with their lives and their marriage, long after the nest is empty. I guess it just seems to take a lot of effort. And kids these days seem to "need" a lot more than I think they really do...and i'm talking in terms of activities, possessions, social events, etc. that make raising them so much more complicated and difficult (and expensive!)...thereby taking even more time from the marriage, and also decreasing overall happiness in the whole family. I suppose this is just some random theory concocted in my own mind. Just my thoughts.
8. Kellie said the following at 5:29 PM on Jul 12:
I get a little tired of all the posts about married couples delaying having children portrayed as a bad thing. If a couple is young, I don't see anything wrong with waiting a few years. I don't think the fear of infertility should be the main motivating factor in having children. Did all of the married couples on the Boundless staff have a child nine months after the wedding?
9. Lauren said the following at 9:28 PM on Jul 12:
Dear sweet anonymous,
My heart swells for you as I read your comment. How precious you are to the Lord, and how sure I am that He hears your questions!
May this verse encourage your heart as it has mine in times of question:
"Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God?'
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable." Isaiah 40:27-28
He sees you! And He is the God who is able to do and perform the impossible, defy science, and bless abundantly!
Search out His promises and hold fast to Him, dear one! He is absolutely trustworthy.
10. Andrew (tlw) said the following at 9:36 PM on Jul 12:
I have to sympathise with Kellie on this one. Yes, I know that Ted married in his thirties and is still quite fertile. But that doesn't help either the still-single or the stubbornly barren marrieds out here in reality.
I suspect we get increasingly unhappy when the expected timelines of life simply don't happen within a reasonmable time limit. Who amongst us hasn't experienced the agonising wait for something that takes loger than expected, if it happens at all?
Whether it be a job, a partner, a child ... I think we have to come to the realisation that whilst socialy acceptable, none of these things makes us innately happy.
11. Anonymous 2 said the following at 9:45 AM on Jul 13:
Anonymous,
I can absolutely relate to your comment. When I hit age 25, knowing full well that my fertility was about to start on the downhill slide, and still waiting for any sign of a potential husband, I hit a low spot in my faith. I wondered, "If God loves children so much, then why does He have so many of us women waiting for marriage to the point that our fertility starts dropping? Is He going to start miraculously re-opening wombs on a large-scale basis?" I appreciated articles that I read criticizing the idea of a "gift of singleness," but it was still difficult to grasp why God was keeping me in what felt like a very unnatural situation.
Thankfully, I found my mate and got married less than two years later. Looking back, I have a bit of a different viewpoint from before. I hit the crisis of faith because I placed so much responsibility on God to make marriage happen for me. Of course, He does ultimately have control and does intervene in our lives, but He also allows us to experience the consequences of our and others' actions. He wasn't giving me a "gift of singleness," rather, the delay came about because of the circumstances of my and my husband's lives. At 24, I was wondering where my future husband could be. Meanwhile, my future husband was already in a marriage that was breaking apart due to his wife's unfaithfulness. Even though I was hurting and lonely at the time, now I am glad that God did not allow us to meet until after he had some time to heal from his divorce. I suppose you could say the timing was a gift from God, but I wouldn't call it a "gift of singleness."
No, I believe that the delay in finding our spouses is generally not God's perfect plan. It is simply the result of our society becoming increasingly saturated in sexual sin. May God have mercy on us.
12. Robert J Espe said the following at 10:29 AM on Jul 13:
I think it goes back to what James 12:13-14 says: do not say what you will do, because you don't know what tomorrow will bring.
Young marrieds spend so much time worrying about getting pregnant and ruining something. I don't even know for sure if my wife and I can have children (after all, we haven't yet).
The amount of control we think we have over our bodies is illusory. We didn't make them, we can't make them taller. They're like a piece of technology that is too advanced for us. We can only reverse engineer and manipulate them so much because we don't completely understand them.
13. Steve Watters said the following at 3:44 PM on Jul 13:
I want to address Kellie's point about young couples not feeling pressured to start a family.
I know a lot of couples, like my brother and his wife, who waited a few years to start their families while growing their marriage. I had planned to do the same thing. However, I ended up getting married just before turning 27 (while my brother got married around 19). Were it not for an older couple giving us some insight about our prime fertility window, Candice and I probably wouldn't have been very intentional about having children earlier in our marriage. My point is that the fertility illiteracy illustrated in the American Fertility Association link I included is an important concern for people who marry around or after the average age people now marry and then plan to still wait several years before starting a family.
14. Cath said the following at 5:43 PM on Jul 13:
Having just started on the journey of marriage myself [6 months ago] my husband and I totally relate to what you're saying here, Steve. Your last comment about people misunderstanding their fertility is interesting. I wonder if it *can* be understood? My husband and I really want kids, hopefully lots, but since we started off a few months ago with a miscarriage, it does seem to be a very mysterious process. Nearing the 30 mark in age [both of us] also makes me see children as a complete gift that I need and want to be utterly open to. But how much understanding or 'control' do I have over my fertility? Maybe a bit in regards to -not- getting pregnant, but really it's all gift when it comes to actually getting pregnant. I just pray that this generation of newlyweds will really see children as a gift and not want to postpone having them for any kind of selfish reasons. Go culture of Life! = )
15. Patt said the following at 5:04 AM on Jul 16:
I attended a wonderful God-honouring wedding over the weekend and our pastor reminded the bride and groom that the purpose of marriage is not to make one happy, but to bring honour to God--this is the purpose of our lives as His children! Adding children to a marriage does have an affect on the husband-wife relationship, but hopefully that relationship will mature and grow as God blesses it with children.
In response to Cath's post, my husband and I lost our first child to miscarriage but were pregnant within 2 months with our now 19 year old daughter (and three more children after that). I do think of that first child but remember that my darling daughter would not be here now had that child been brought to term. God has a plan and I'm grateful that life is not left to chance--that's where my happiness is found.
16. mlm said the following at 8:46 AM on Jul 16:
A great book for parents who have "lost that lovin' feeling" upon having kids enter the marriage---HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS FOR PARENTS by Willard F. Harley Jr.
Don't beat yourself up for losing the spark. It's quite common. Just remember that your marriage is the garden in which your chidlren grow. Realizing that your marriage relationship is THAT vital and THAT important--to your children's health and wellbeing--may be the motivation you need to revive it. The Harley book will certainly help!
17. Kate said the following at 11:42 PM on Oct 23:
There's a blessing in singleness and a blessing in marriage (more than 1) and children are a blessing from God, but they are also tiring and hard work. Stress on marriage comes from many angles and babies certainly don't make it easier. Fortunately God has a way of blessing us in any situation if we are open to His leading. For example, After baby is born, sex is the last thing I need but my husband is still "ready" what to do? God gave us the gift of breastfeeding and we can keep our husbands at a distance or invite them to join in. It's a user friendly way to keep intimacy without adding a burden. Thank you God!