Marriage Less About Kids
by Steve Watters on 07/02/2007 at 3:45 PM
The goal of marriage is increasingly focused on the happiness and fulfillment of couples than on the intention of having and raising children. In a new Pew Research study, 65% of those surveyed favored mutual happiness as the goal of marriage over an emphasis on children (23%). The survey showed how the emphasis on personal happiness has increased from generation to generation. While 50% of respondents over 65 believed mutual happiness was the main purpose of marriage, 68% of those younger than 65 held that belief. The report also found some key distinctions based on church attendance, race and education:
All major demographics share in this assessment, though for some groups, the margins are not as lopsided. Among frequent churchgoers, for example, the ratio drops two-to-one. Among Hispanics, just half (51%) say marriage is mainly about the adults, while nearly four-in-ten (38%) says it's mainly about the kids. And among people with a high school degree or less, some 44% say it's mainly about the adults while 38% say it's mainly about the kids. Meanwhile, at the other end of the education scale, people with college degrees are nearly four times more likely to say marriage is mainly about adult happiness rather than to say it is mainly about bearing and raising children (69% vs. 19%).
I'm curious why Hispanics value the goal of children in a marriage higher than other groups. I read once that the term "matrimony" comes from the Latin "matrimonium ducere" which reflects the unity of man and woman for the purpose of having children. I wonder if this context for marriage is stronger among Latinos.
Additionally, Hispanics within the survey broke dramatically from the rest of the group on whether or not men and women can lead complete and happy lives if they remain single. While 79% of the general population believed women could be complete/happy without marriage, only 62% of Hispanics thought so and while 67% of all races thought men could be happy without marriage, only 48% of Hispanics felt that way. The study pointed out, "More so than whites or blacks, Hispanics tend to see marriage as essential to adult fulfillment."
With the exception of these views by Hispanics, much of the study implies that Americans are seeing less of a connection between marriage/parenting and happiness/fulfillment. The same study, however, implies there is a close link, especially among those who are currently married with children. When people in various life situations were asked to rank the importance of various items in importance to their personal happiness and fulfillment, "relationship with minor children" topped the list followed by "relationship to spouse/partner." Furthermore, married couples with kids proved to be more happy with their lives. 55% of survey respondents who were married, never-divorced parents reported being "very satisfied" with their lives overall, compared to just 40% of the general population.
1. Jethro said the following at 4:04 PM on Jul 2:
I would imagine most people get married because they love the other person and can see themselves living life happily with them. This, I would submit, is a very positive thing. If a couple don't have this, I really don't think they have any business raising children.
It is a rampant generalization, but happy parents = happy children. I think we should be encouraging the type of thinking that comes through in this report.
On a side note, one glaring omission from these statistics is the split according to whether the couples surveyed did/did not have children. That would be interesting...
2. DannieA said the following at 4:37 PM on Jul 2:
As a hispanic single women, it is frustrating when people ask me why I am not dating at the moment and treat my life as it has no meaning.
Yes hispanics do have a high regard for marriage, which can impact single people to have a lower self esteem if they are not married.
3. Erin said the following at 5:21 PM on Jul 2:
Hispanics/Latinos are overwhelmingly Catholic. I would speculate that this may by why they value children and marriage so much...I work in a predominantly Latino community, and it's clear that the Catholic church, with its historic bans on contraception and divorce, has a huge impact on the lives of those I serve.
4. jcs said the following at 9:56 PM on Jul 2:
To expand on Erin's comment:
According to the report, being Catholic and Hispanic makes one more likely to value children. Either factor on its own has an effect, but the combination of the two has an even greater effect.
From page 66, we see the following percentages of people who consider childraising to be the main purpose of marriage:
All: 23%
All Catholic: 27%
All Hispanic: 38%
Hispanic Catholic: 43%
You can see that either being Catholic or being Hispanic will boost the statistics.
(please NOTE that the "All" numbers already include the Catholics, so you can't directly subtract these numbers to compare the effects of religion and race. For example, the actual difference between Hispanic Catholics and Hispanic non-Catholics will be much greater than 5%.
PS: Before you ask...the report actually gives enough information to algebraically derive statistics for non-Catholic Hispanics and directly measure the effect of Catholicism on Hispanic attitudes...but the margin of error of this survey is already way too high, and the derived percentages would be meaningless.)
5. Slospo said the following at 10:22 PM on Jul 2:
This is kind of tricky - particularly the last set of stats.
On the one hand, marriage should be largely about raising children. (It is not good to be self-centered and care only about deriving happiness out of marriage.)
On the other hand, a healthy marriage will have the marriage relationship as the number one priority - even above caring for and loving children. The marriage is the bedrock that provides a stable foundation for children to grow up feeling secured and loved.
6. n.d. said the following at 4:45 AM on Jul 3:
All Latino cultures have a deep respect for "la familia" (the family). This is a core value that almost all Latins would at least give lip service to. So, it is no surprise that most Latinos would view marriage and children as essential for happiness. Family is something that we cherish and value. Family defines us. In Latino culture, family makes you who you are. And, humanly speaking, you can't have a family without a spouse and children.
Erin, I agree with you that Catholic values play a big part in this. Another thing to consider is that the feminist movement has not had a very big impact in most Latin countries. Therefore, there is not the idea that you can have your cake and eat it to. I know very few Latin women that consider children "a burden" or marriage "a sacrifice." It is just an accepted fact that a woman's purpose in life revolves around caring for a husband and children.
In addition, Latino cultures are not as individualistic as American culture. Latins, for example, usually live with their parents until they get married. It is perfectly acceptable to be 30 and still in your parents house, as long as you are unmarried. I attended a young adults conference one time. Out of the 50 Latinos that were there, only 2 were not living with their parents.
Lastly, gender roles are much more defined. When I lived in Venezuela, my friends had a hard time believing that I (as a man) would cook and do my own laundry. So you can see, living on your own is not really an option. If you want to start your own life (apart from your parents), it is very difficult to do so without getting married.
7. Marla said the following at 6:16 AM on Jul 3:
Articles like this one just reaffirm why marriage is in so much trouble in today's society.
The purpose of marriage in today's culture is "self" focused; it's about making me, myself, and I happy - and when I'm not happy, it's time to get out of there! It doesn't matter whether or not you have children; it does matter, however, that you see marriage as about something other than your personal happiness. The media has marriage the "thing" that makes us complete and happy (riding off into the sunset, etc etc)...when in reality, marriage is not really about the temporary/momentary feeling of happiness or passion. It's about bonds, commitment and sacrifice...which, by the way, having children highlights for married couples.
8. Jeffrey Whiting said the following at 8:20 AM on Jul 3:
Exactly, Erin. How 'ironic' (or not?) that a celibate man in the form of one Paul VI has a better understanding of marriage than most 'educated', 'responsible', and affluent married Westerners.
The problem here is not rocket-science: contraception breeds selfishness, egotism, and self-importance. Parents become selfish, and children idolized, pampered, egotistic, self-important, and undesirable citizens in many instances.
In fact, there was once a Supreme Court Justice who was quoted as saying: "It is my conclusion that childless homes are responsible for the almost complete absence of real home-life. I cannot help but reach the conclusion that, if our women had children, there would be more happiness and fewer divorces. Presence of children attracts the husband to his home and keeps the mothers from the gossiping neighbors and bridge parties. Absence of children promotes discord. Their presence makes for harmony."
Anyone ready to throw their pills away yet? Or is the lie of "responsible parenthood" in the form of contraception still too appealing for Western minds to shake? There won't be any change until Christians tear out the weed at the root.
9. v@v said the following at 9:05 AM on Jul 3:
I would agree Latinos are very much "marriage minded" (for the most part), and also approach marriage with a much more child-oriented view. I can see this in my own Puerto Rican family. Most of my family is married, and if not so, have the desire to be. Children are perceived to be part and parcel of that package. Every marriage in my family (at least the maternal side) has produced several children, (at least two). :-)I do see, however, how that view is changing among Latinos. :-/
10. Rachel said the following at 9:13 AM on Jul 3:
Interesting point, Erin. In another study I read that when Hispanics cohabit, they're much more likely to have children than cohabiting white couples would be. Even just living together is turned into a marriage-like situation.
Regarding church bans on contraception and divorce and how this can influence the surrounding culture, I note that historically Protestant countries have much higher abortion rates (with America unfortunately near the top of the list), while historically Catholic countries have lower rates. In fact abortion is still illegal in many Latin American countries, praise God. In Mexico and Portugal it was just legalized this year.
I don't know if the majority of people obey the Catholic church's teaching on contraception even in Catholic countries. But knowledge of the teaching probably does have an effect, if only to make people pause a bit before rushing into hedonism.
Contraception was considered wrong by all Christian denominations until the Anglican church became the first to waver in 1930. Now every Protestant denomination has reversed its historical teaching while only the Catholic Church and possibly the Eastern Orthodox are holding the line.
I think the change of opinion on contraception was unfortunate. It divorces sex from childbearing and allows couples to treat sex as purely recreational. That leads pretty easily to people thinking they have a right to sex whatever their marital status. And *that* leads to selfish behavior from adults and a lot of suffering for kids, as well as the demand for abortion.
I'm not saying faithful Protestants aren't against premarital sex; I'm just saying you give up a lot of ground when you agree that sex doesn't need to be open to the possibility of children.
Back to the Pew Research study, I think it a mistake that most parents ranked their relationship with children as more important than their relationship with their spouse. The spouse should come first; children will need to grow up and develop their own relationships, while spouses stay together for life. And best thing parents can do for their children is love each other. I wouldn't have wanted to grow up with parents who were more worried about their relationship with me than with each other-- who needs that kind of pressure?
11. Esther said the following at 10:47 AM on Jul 3:
It is one of the mysteries of life how, when a man and woman commit to love God first, each other second, and their family third; end up loving and blessing their children more than if the kids were the #1 priority. I have a great sense of security knowing that my parents love me, sacrifice for me, and desire the best for me, but at the same time, have their own lives. I know that they love each other and are committed to staying together even when it's tough, and not much fun. I believe that all of this stems from their love for God, and their desire to live in a way that honors Him. Perhaps the more telling statistic would be to see how many people think marriage is about obeying God, and following the model for love and family that is in the Bible. I expect those families are stronger and happier than the average.
12. Mrs. B said the following at 12:38 PM on Jul 3:
I think happiness is incredibly important in marriage in spite of the fact that it will waiver throughout the years. It is not, however, what really binds you together as a couple (at least not for Christians).
I would like to know how the people who participated in this study interpreted "happiness". There is a difference in the dynamics of this study if some people interpreted happiness as a "butterflies in your stomach" puppy-love feeling, while others interpreted it as enjoying each other's company, companionship, etc., more than fleeting emotion.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this article seems to have a negative cast over people's desire to be happy in marriage. Again, I think happiness is incredibly important not only in keeping marriage alive but in raising happy, emotionally-balanced children as well. My parents recently divorced, and they stuck together because they thought it was better for the kids if both parents were there (neither were Christians at the time so this was not based on any Biblical perspective of trying to work things out but moreso that of their generation that thought 2 parents are better than 1 even if they hate each other). However, this meant we grew up with tremendous fighting, tension, and emotional trauma. This is something I have been having to seek counseling and therapy for especially now that I'm married. All this to say, happiness (at least in the sense of enjoying each other) is incredibly vital to a healthy marriage. But, again, there is more to it than that.
I think the reason for the disparity between personal happiness and the idea having children shown in this study is largely related to the desire for personal freedom that has been ingrained into us as Americans since we were little. I often hear things like "You should travel, go out, have a good time now, cause once you have kids there's no time for that!" In that sense, yes, children are a sacrifice in that you have to give up your selfish ambitions. But I think the trade off is well worth it!
13. David said the following at 12:57 PM on Jul 3:
Marriage is about kids as much as the gospel is about Christians....yeah it is, but no it's not....Read Michael Lawrence's essay from last year entitled "Sex is not about waiting." If you're looking for something similar, which is a type of extended discussion on these ideas, check out Rob Bell's 2007 book, SexGod. The idea being related to Lawrence's essay...that sex is a display of marriage, marriage is a display of The Gospel, and The Gospel, is a picture of God (the eternal union of the Trinity).
Think about this idea (I'm taking it from the where it originated for me, Daniel P. Fuller's The Unity of the Bible), in Genesis, God tells man and woman to multiply and fill the earth and exercise dominion over it...well children are also created in the image of God, correct? Well then, if the purpose of God's image is to display the glory of God, that is, if our purpose is to enjoy and glorify the Lord forever, then perhaps to "multiply and fill the earth" is really about filling the earth with the glory of God...Sex then becomes a type of ministry (don't laugh too hard :)). It's all focused on God...submit to each other out of reverence for God....for God.....not about reverence for the other person as the number one priority, but out of reverence for God...hmmm perhaps because we bear His image, and when I say we, I mean (in this instance) the oneness of the married couple.
14. Phoebe said the following at 2:17 PM on Jul 3:
I would like to shoot out a question. The southwestern state I live in has a majority of births from unwed mothers. Many of these are Hispanic. I've heard it said that children can be like a status symbol to a teen mother, "See, somebody loves me and has sex with me." Then either the girl falls behind in work and education, or her parents take care of the grandkid. So, they do not devalue children by refusing them, but by bearing them outside of marriage. In the Hispanic population in my town, sex is not something sacred to marriage. Has anyone else observed this?
15. jcs said the following at 6:14 PM on Jul 3:
Phoebe: This is an interesting issue. I have noticed this in the Hispanic community. However, I've also observed the exact same thing happening in Black communities and White communities.
Poor or uneducated people of any race are more likely to get pregnant "accidentally on purpose" (through deliberate neglect of contraception). Many girls think that getting pregnant will persuade a boyfriend to stick around, etc. (This is from a newspaper article, from a few months ago, that discussed the diminishing returns of teen pregnancy reduction efforts...can't find the link now.)
Because more Hispanics are poor or uneducated (because the families immigrated recently), teen pregnancy rates will naturally be higher. Then, when you consider the fact that Hispanics are less likely to choose abortion than Blacks or Whites...the fact that you're seeing a lot of children born to unmarried Hispanic mothers make sense.
16. Jim said the following at 8:50 PM on Jul 3:
People these days are severely punished financially for having children. On top of that, parents have no time for themselves. Life is nothing but work to get money, spend money on food for the kids, spend money on entertainment for the kids, then take what tiny bit is left and save for yourself. When you have kids, you can kiss your life goodbye. You are now living only for your kids. One reason I am not married is due to the life ending consequences of having kids.
Is this a selfish idea? Maybe, but then, there is so much more to life than just having kids and living as a slave to their needs.
17. n.d. said the following at 5:51 AM on Jul 4:
Jim: That's why it is so important to prioritize 1. God, 2. your spouse, and 3. your children, in that order. If you take God out of the picture or relegate Him to second or third place, what you end up with is idolatry. I think some people actually do worship their spouse or their children. If you are not loving God whole-heartedly, however, you will not be able to love your spouse or children properly either. God is the ultimate source of all love. As you grow in relationship to God, I think you find yourself wanting to pour His love out on other people (which could include a wife and children). Love doesn't seek its own benefit, but the benefit of others. There is a lot of sacrifice in having children, but a lot of joy as well. I think this fact is often forgotten in our fast-paced, me-focused, consumer culture. I agree that people should not live as "slaves" to their childrens' needs. On the other hand, Christians are called to be "slaves for Christ" -and that involves sacrifice for the benefit of others, whether they are your biological children or not.
18. Kristie said the following at 1:15 PM on Jul 6:
I encourage reading this commentary by Christopher West on "The Children of Men," a movie about what the world could be like without children.
http://www.theologyofthebody.com/01-29-07.asp
I also recommend any other writings by Christopher West, a Catholic teacher, researcher and writer specializing in Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body.
... or just try reading the pope's Theology of the Body yourself. It'll blow you away.
19. Tomi said the following at 1:17 AM on Jul 14:
cool article. most likely the different numbers for latinos has nothing to do with them being latino, but rather the immigrant factor. immigrants of whatever race from lesser developed countries are coming from societies far more traditional than Americas. Asian and African immgrants, and a white girl coming from rural Russia areprobably just as traditional as the Latinos cited in the study.