Wedging Dating In
by Candice Watters on 06/29/2007 at 6:22 AM
It's hard to believe in the midst of a jam-packed school schedule that life could ever be busier than it is in college. But graduates soon find out it is. And one of the first things to go is the social life. One way singles are making time for dating is to multi-task.
In "Dinner and a Powerpoint?" Sue Shellenbarger reports in today's Wall Street Journal on the "working date":
Many single people are so busy with careers that they don't have time for a social life. So they're increasingly blending work and romance. For some, the practice has provided a path to lasting love. For others, working dates are one more way to avoid intimacy, or just a major turn-off.
I know a bit about working dates: Steve and I started as friends and business partners before we fell in love. What I don't agree with in Shellenbarger's article is the underlying assumption that men and women work the same way and value work equally.
She says "a matching work ethic is becoming a kind of compatibility test for many career-minded singles." Trouble is, even if two people have similar career demands when they're single, chances are good that if they marry, the appearance of children will alter things dramatically. What happens in a marriage that's built primarily around a priority of work?
Even when Steve and I were launching a website and editing our classmates' papers, I always knew, and sometimes even admitted, that I'd rather be spending time just talking and getting to know him better. For me the work was a good reason to spend more time together. I suspect most single women would share that sentiment. It's hard to imagine a couple so hard-driven that one or the other isn't hoping the work will eventually take a back seat to the relationship.
Even Shellenbarger warns "some people may let work intrude on dates to prevent emotional intimacy."
What about you -- have you ever had a "working date"? If so, how did it work out? If not, would you consider it in the future?
1. Chrysti said the following at 7:45 AM on Jun 29:
I had what you call a "working date" when I was in college, which consisted of my guy friend (whom I was interested in, and presumably he reciprocated interest) and I working on homework together. More than likely just so we could spend time together--he would ask me if I wanted to join him in the student lounge to study, and we would talk, etc. To make a complicated story short, it didn't work out.
Of course, this wasn't the only thing that caused this friendship/relationship to fail... but it was one of many things. I wouldn't recommend it.
2. kman said the following at 8:23 AM on Jun 29:
Call me old school, but if I was on a date with a woman and she was conducting business I would be very irritated with her and most likely not want to see her again. A date, to me, is a time two people set aside to get to know each other. And if they happen to be working when together I can't say I'd call it a date, just working together.
IMO multitasking doesn't give the same results as focusing on each task. Same goes for dating or anything else. And couple who do this before marriage may not want to continue this pattern through their whole relationship.
3. Michelle Myers said the following at 1:44 PM on Jun 29:
We should put 100 percent into everything we do, right? How can we put 100 percent into our work if we're trying to devote 100 percent of our attention to the person we are with? That's really tough to do.
4. BDB said the following at 2:43 PM on Jun 29:
I did read the WSJ article a couple of days ago. Sue writes a lot of good stuff.
I know a few couples who did this and got married. It usually started with homework (college) in the same major, and/or volunteering together. They developed their respect for each other first by seeing how the other worked. Then they ended up helping each other with stuff, and growing in their respect for each other that they brought something to the table that they didn't already have. Later on, they added in entertainment and drew some boundaries to separate work and play time. So it definitely works for an intellectual match.
5. Keisha said the following at 3:38 PM on Jun 29:
This actually happened to me once with a former boyfriend... I was cooking dinner and I peeked in the living room to see what he was up to, and he was editing an academic article. Didn't even offer to help me with the dinner. Not surprisingly, this was our last date =). I wouldn't have minded if he had asked to come over later, after he was done with his work - I actually find it very attractive when a man likes his work and likes to work hard. I just wish in this case he had told me that he was busy.
I also remember an incident where a girl friend (not girlfriend!) of mine went on a dinner date, and after the dinner, she politely declined an invite to ice cream because she had scheduled a meeting with her academic advisor later that evening (at 9 in the evening!). Also unsurprisingly, that was their first and last date. I wish I had been there to tell her "Don't do it! Your advisor will understand! And why are you meeting with your advisor at 9 pm anyways?"
I think that once it's clear that the relationship is heading towards something more permanent, this kind of behavior is fine - since at that point, you know when your husband is busy and when he doesn't have time to help cook, or he has to do some work after dinner! But in the beginning, you have to be a bit more explicit in communicating; otherwise, someone's feelings are bound to be hurt.
Also, I think that this is bound to be more of a turn-off for a man than for a woman. It depends on who's going to be the primary breadwinner in the relationship, and who's going to take care of more of the home-related duties. A woman who pulls out her laptop during the after-dinner coffee is sending a signal that her work is more important to her than giving emotional attention to her partner, and a lot of guys don't want to be a second fiddle. However, as women (and particularly for those of us who want to stay at home with our kids at some point), we have to be more understanding of our husbands' work responsibilities, and recognize that he might not have all the time in the world to hang out with us if he's also primarily responsible for our economic well-being.
This is kind of related to the earlier blog post about workaholism - we can't have it all. We can't expect to have a big impact in our careers, and pursue our work-related interests 100 percent, and work a 40-hour workweek. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to pursue our professional goals and contribute to make the world a better place!
6. DanL said the following at 3:45 PM on Jun 29:
I once went out with a good friend of mine who was an elementary school teacher at the time. I would often help her grade papers just to spend time with her.
7. Kellie said the following at 7:14 PM on Jun 29:
I was in school when I was dating my husband, and being in a long distance relationship we had "weekends" rather than dates (with seperate sleeping arrangements, of course). Being a student I often had a paper to write or a test to study for. He would bring along a book and we would spend most of each Saturday we had together at a local coffee shop.
8. Dave said the following at 10:10 AM on Jun 30:
I could see it working as long as it progressed to a real dating relationship. The last thing I want to talk about with my girlfriend is work. I supposed to be fun not work. I cant imagine it being too great if your wife worked with you when you were married. You would feel so trapped.
9. Megan said the following at 5:58 PM on Jun 30:
Chrysti, would you not advise working with someone because it hindered your relationship? Or did working together just expose things you both expected out of life that didn't fit together?
In my experience, working together is a great way to get to know a potential spouse.
The whole point of dating is to understand another person. Their core beliefs and philosophy of life. Going out to dinner is an artificial situation with both parties removed from their normal environment and eager to put their best foot forward. Problem is, a person's true character - good and bad - is a lot clearer to see in actions rather than words
Working together lets you see how another person lives in real life. How they react to other people. How they deal with problems. How well they accept advice. Whether they give up easily or are diligent in finishing what they start. Whether they whine, swear, or just shrug when they hit their thumb with a hammer. How they act when they're tired and not in the right frame of mind to hide true reactions.
Not that a person hides true reactions on purpose: when you're on your best behavior you sometimes restrain yourself in ways you wouldn't do in private; and how you behave in private is something a potentional spouse would really want to know.
That said, if I have to consistantly cram or be crammed into someone's schedule it's a pretty good indication there isn't time for a good marriage either!
10. BDB said the following at 10:46 PM on Jun 30:
Megan wrote:
>>In my experience, working together is a great way to get to know a potential spouse.<<
Wow...everything you wrote rings so true...you've done this before!
And you're exactly right. You will learn things by working with someone that you'd never see at dinner and a movie. Good and bad. How people work tells you a LOT about how people manage money, too.
11. Megan said the following at 3:10 PM on Jul 1:
BDB:
Well...sort of. I'm not married yet, so I can only relay what I know so far.
Oops...forgot about the money angle!
12. Ro said the following at 1:30 AM on Jul 2:
My ex and I used to study together. He had a very busy class schedule. I really enjoyed being around him and near him while we were studying. After a while though, he said it was too distracting for him to have me in the same room while he was studying.
I really enjoyed it though. And even though it wasn't a more standard date, I appreciated that in busy schedules, we still got to see each other and spend time together.
Also, afterwards, when he started studying lone because he found it too distracting, he would call me on one of his breaks, and again later to say goodnight. Once or twice he surprise visited me during a very short break!
I miss him!
13. Emz said the following at 10:13 PM on Jul 2:
My boyfriend and I occasionally have what I would call a "working date". He is at university while I am working and it consists of us being able to spend time together while he gets some of his mad work load finished. I will often read a book by his side. It works well for us because we can chat inbetween times and generally hang out. I really rate it, although we have both expressed that we would rather just properly talk. I think that even when two people are married there are going to be times like this, so its worthwhile for me to know I can handle him sitting there working as opposed to spending every minute dedicated to me.
14. IWishToRemainAnonymous said the following at 9:13 AM on Jul 3:
First of all, I found life after college to be a LOT less stressful and busy than life during college. Of course, factoring in all the required hours of rehearsal and performing groups that a music major has to take part in, plus the jam-packed academic schedule, and then adding a full-time job to the equation probably means my college life was more hectic than many people experience.
That said, the people I got to know well in college were the people I worked with. We were extremely close because of the long hours spent together. However, I am not currently in touch with most of them.
I did whip out my laptop on a date once, but it was in a deliberate effort to avoid a define-the-relationship talk with someone that for some reason I couldn't put my finger on, I didn't think I wanted a relationship with. Two years later I'm in a relationship with someone else, and I rarely pull out my laptop when we're together.
15. Leah said the following at 6:32 AM on Jul 5:
Umm... that depends. My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years, and now it'll be like I'm at end of semester with 3 assignments due in the next week, but he and I might not have hung out much in the last week, so I'll go round his place and work on my assignment on the computer while he cleans his room behind me, or something like that, and we can talk while that is happening. So in response to the question, yeah, kind of, but only after dating for a long time.