The Real Rules of Wedding Registries, No Nikes
by
Candice Watters
on Jun 13, 2007 at 9:24 AM
It's clear from the rag tag comments on Motte's post about Bridal Gift Registries that the Boundless Line readers would benefit from reading Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings, by Judith Martin.
Contrary to the title, this book is a painless and quite entertaining read. More importantly, it's a needed reminder that etiquette is more than a set of stuffy old rules. It's the means by which we may interact with other people in a way that has their interests at heart. It's a more formalized version of the second greatest commandment, if you will. It's the Golden Rule applied to specific social settings.
What it isn't, is a hodge-podge of personal opinions about what seems like the right or logical way to proceed in certain settings (see the comments on Motte's post to see what that looks like). If we were left to our inclinations alone, it's not hard to imagine weddings devolving into chaotic get-togethers.
In case you're not inclined to read the whole book, here are a few snippets:
1. Registering for anything and everything is crass, as is including little "we are registered at" cards in the wedding invitations. (If you register, keep it to yourself until and unless someone asks you if you have and where.)
2. Wedding gifts are given at the discretion of the guests -- it's their way of saying, "we want to help the young couple get off on the right start"
3. Wedding gifts are not the price of admission to the ceremony or reception, nor are gifts expected to cost a certain amount or cover what the bride and groom spent on dinner.
4. It is never appropriate to ask for cash, nor offer the "option" of guests paying for certain elements of the wedding or honeymoon, nor even to suggest "in lieu of gifts, please donate to our favorite charity" (for more, see point 2.)
Just because you think something is done out of respect for etiquette doesn't mean it is. Many of the customs we Americans have adopted around weddings are in fact directly opposite of what's required. In many cases, one bride goofed, or misunderstood a tradition, and all her friends copied her, thinking she knew what she was doing. And before long, everyone was doing it.
My favorite example, from Martin's book, is that rectangular piece of tissue paper that accompanies all invitations these days. It's original purpose was to separate engraved invitations from one another, in order to prevent the ink from smearing during their transport from the print shop. As soon as the ink was dry, the tissue was discarded -- before the invitations were sent. Not only do most brides no longer engrave their invitations (too expensive), they keep that tissue in place for mailing (too funny). But alas, I did. I thought that was what etiquette required.
When in doubt, check.
This is just a taste of all the good and essential detail Martin covers in the book. I loved it so much -- even though it forced me to reckon with the many mistakes I made in my own wedding -- that it's my new favorite gift to give recently-engaged brides.
1. jo mamma had the following to say on Jun 13 at 9:36 AM:
LOL, the Nike thing was a joke! Anyhow, I had a friend who got married and they asked for money from all their family so they could buy a house. Before you think that's crazy, I think that it wasn't such a bad idea when considering the circumstances: They lived in the porrest county in California in one of the cheaper cities and houses that aren't even too nice are $240K. So is this such a bad idea?
So if boundless is encouraging people to live on one income (which I agree with) shouldn't this be a consideration?
OK, so if people all the time ask for money and people are OK with it, wouldn't that make that type of ediquette alright? I for one almost always give cash because I know they will probrably use it for something good.
2. v@v had the following to say on Jun 13 at 9:38 AM:
Well, I've never received an invitation (to a shower, at least) that didn't have the little, "registered at", cards. These days however, I find that people appreciate the registry more because it doesn't leave them in such a confused state about what to give. The thing that gets me is, at least from the giving point, you spend all that money on a gift for the shower, and then you have to spend again for the wedding. That can get expensive.
Here's a question I've always had: what if you are IN the wedding, a member of the bridal party. You've already spent money on: dresses, shoes, bridal shower, gift, insert wedding expense -- do you also have to give a wedding gift, and if so, how much? oooooh confusing. Often the desire is there to give to your fellow friends who are starting life out together, but that can get expensive for someone who'se trying to save a few pennies herself. :-/
3. DannieA had the following to say on Jun 13 at 9:45 AM:
goodness...just do or don't, don't undermine what people do or don't do for their wedding.
It's their special day...
4. Candice Watters had the following to say on Jun 13 at 9:59 AM:
jo mamma, it's one thing if you, a wedding guest, want to give the couple a cash gift. Not even etiquette would tell you not to. It's quite another, however, for the bride and groom to ask you to. Weddings are not about setting bride and groom up financially. They're about exchanging vows, joining lives, in the presence of God, family and close friends. That you would even ask about the propriety of a cash-for-house request shows just how far we've come in our understanding of the purpose of a wedding.
v&v, read the book. Miss Manners answers your question and any other you could possibly conceive!
5. Leann K. had the following to say on Jun 13 at 10:04 AM:
I always thought that piece of tissue paper was weird as well as the two envelopes. One outer envelope with the address and formal names and the interior envelope with the "common" names. My husband and I made our own invitations and just had one envelope and no tissue paper. Served our purposes and was cheap.
6. JMarie had the following to say on Jun 13 at 10:09 AM:
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Candace, for this post! The comments on Motte's post were all over the place. Etiquette is a set of guidelines for how to function politely in society, and as society changes, so does the etiquette (albeit more slowly, with more respect for tradition). I think most etiquette columnists nowadays have come to accept wedding registries as having a place, and a recent article on Slate.com even advocated registering for honeymoon money or requesting cash. That's likely due to people setting up house first and then getting married (though in some cultures, giving cash is customary). However, it's still considered quite rude by most to include the registry information in the invitation (yes, I, too, have received invitations like this). If someone wants guidance in choosing a wedding gift, it's a simple matter to ask the bride, groom or their family members if there is a wedding registry. Gifts should not be expected or demanded, and putting registry information in an invitation really does come across as a gift grab. When I'm married, I would be really sad if someone didn't join the celebration because they thought a gift of a certain value was the price of admission.
7. Carrie had the following to say on Jun 13 at 10:50 AM:
Wow! I never thought that including a card with registry info. on it was rude! I always figured it was a courtesy and saved the bride from receiving 200 phone calls asking the same question.
I had always thought that I would include such a thing in my invitations just so I would save my fiancee and I from having to answer the same question 200 times.
However, I have learned that Bed, Bath, & Beyond is the default location for gift registries. One time I shopped for a bride and I knew she was registered at 3 or 4 different stores, but I didn't couldn't remember which ones! After going all over the mall, the light came on "Duh! EVERYONE registers at Bed, Bath, & Beyond!" If they aren't registered there, they probably aren't registered at all.
So, rule of thumb, if you are wondering what to get the happy couple go to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to see what they are registered for.
(future brides, just register there. this should be part of contemporary wedding "etiquette")
8. Danielle T. had the following to say on Jun 13 at 10:51 AM:
Thanks for this post! I couldn't believe some of the comments on the other post, especially the ones saying the gift value should equal the per-person cost of the reception! How tacky and rude! How is a guest supposed to anticipate the per-person cost, anyway? That's one of the craziest suggestions I've ever heard, so thanks for clearing it up that it is NOT good etiquette to do so.
9. ejp had the following to say on Jun 13 at 10:59 AM:
I appreciate the desire to have "proper etiquette" with all things surrounding weddings. However, just because someone writes a book, doesn't mean they necessarily have the final say on how things should be done. With all friendliness, Candice, I don't think you should beat yourself up over "mistakes" at your wedding. I am sure you were trying your best, that most of the guests were delighted to celebrate with you and your husband, and that Jesus Christ was honored, not just a bunch of traditional rules.
Most of us are not part of high society, and our friends and family probably aren't even aware of the social gaffes that have become nearly traditional. Isn't it a form of pride that says, "I must do this in the proper way, so that the "right people" won't be offended."? Jesus offended the Pharisees by eating with "sinners". Probably Miss Manners would say that a backyard BBQ or potluck wedding meal is uncouth, but if my friends and family are happy to celebrate with me in that way, then it seems like a fine idea, and those who would turn up their nose, or point fingers can be smug and offended. Most of us, I think, will be having too much fun to worry about whether the invitations were "correct".
Also, it is my sense that there is a fallacy in thinking that there are huge cultural etiquette rules to follow. Maybe I move in an especially multicultural circle, but with friends who are Chinese, and Indian, and Polish and Italian- each has a heritage with unique wedding traditions, though most end up blending them with the "American" ones. Not to mention that I grew up in a church that didn't tolerate drinking or dancing. I was in college before I attended weddings with dancing and toasts. Or look at costs- most of my friends wouldn't dream of asking their bridesmaids to spend more than $100 on a dress, but one, from a wealthy area, picked out a $300+ one, and I was the only bridesmaid who thought it was extreme. I believe that the proprieties are really far more flexible and blendable than most people think.
10. Bo had the following to say on Jun 13 at 10:59 AM:
Candace, thank you for this post!
I am getting married next week, and I had a horrible time registering--I was in tears because I felt so greedy! My fiance and I already have a lot of stuff we need to set up house (we've both been on our own for a while), but everyone says, "You need NEW dishes for your NEW life that are YOURS to share!" etc.
So when people ask me where I'm registered, I tell them that a git is not necessary--we just would love their presence at the wedding itself. I never want my wedding or shower guests to feel like a gift is important (or necessary or any kind of obligation) to me. I hope our wedding is an intimate and fun worship time for everyone. forget the gifts.
11. Zeph Greenwell had the following to say on Jun 13 at 11:28 AM:
I think it is fine to ask for anything that you need. I got married young and appreciated every single gift I got. This past weekend I went to a wedding and bought the bride and groom an electric can opener off their registry and wondered how many of these they were getting and if they would ever use it even if it was the only one they received.
12. Laura S had the following to say on Jun 13 at 11:36 AM:
Did anyone else have the experience of registering for a shower that was not a wedding shower?
I am moving out of state in a couple months to work with a Christian ministry. Many of my friends from church want to honor me with a shower. I am so grateful--since this is my first time to set up housekeeping for myself, I need all the basics.
It was suggested that I register, which seemed like the most practical thing to do. But I was dismayed to find that most stores only offer a bridal and baby registry. No housewarming registry.
Sigh. It's pretty embarrassing to register as a bride when I'm not getting married. :-)
It doesn't seem to me that it is uncommon for people to need a gift registry for a housewarming shower. Anyone know of any stores that offer a housewarming gift registry?
13. v@v had the following to say on Jun 13 at 12:08 PM:
But here's the thing... the registry is for the shower, no? And then, you are "supposed" to give money as the actual wedding gift. That's how it seems to be done here where I'm from -- or maybe, that's just my experience. Oh, give what you can, when you can, how you can. If anyone loves you, they'll care less. I think etiquette makes those who can't comply feel bad -- not so much the one they would be giving to.
14. Oxanna had the following to say on Jun 13 at 12:18 PM:
Good post. Etiquette is sorely ignored by many, and it's good to have reminders. (With the caveat, of course, that etiquette often is always-changing and varies by culture, hence flexibility is good. "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not get bent out of shape." :D) Admittedly, I think #1 isn't really a faux pas anymore. Every bridal shower invitation I've seen has a little card about where the bride registered, and I don't think it's greedy - just telling guests where she registered, should they desire to get a gift from there. Wedding invitations, yes, I could see them as a tad greedy, but not necessarily.
ejp - This is why I plan on either finding really cheap bridesmaids' dresses if I get married, and/or buying them myself. No need to make friends suffer!
15. Laura had the following to say on Jun 13 at 12:27 PM:
Candice, this is my favorite post ever. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for reminding young brides and husbands-to-be that etiquette is important! Could you please post something about the tackiness of sending e-thank-you cards next? :)
16. Elena had the following to say on Jun 13 at 12:44 PM:
Amen, amen, amen, Candice! Praise the Lord, hallelujah, and pass the ammunition!!!
If something is a requirement, then that negates the "gift" status. A required offering is more like a feudal tribute from vassal to lord!!
Zeph: A registry is not to ASK for gifts. It should be regarded as a database for gift suggestions.
Carrie: Around here BB&B, Target, and Pier 1 Imports are the most common for registries (Target being the most popular). =o)
v@v: I think that giving ONE gift is sufficient. That's what I have done when I've been in the bridal party and when I've not---I don't take a gift to a shower and a gift to the wedding. I do one or the other.
Either take your gift to one of the showers, take it to the wedding reception, or give it to the bride and groom at another time that you choose.
If you feel awkward about not having something to take to each shower AND also to the wedding, then purchase smaller, more inexpensive items and take one gift to each shower and take the "big" gift to the wedding. (For the shower gifts, instead of purchasing, you could make small things for the bride to put into a scrapbook or a memento box: a handmade bookmark, a calligraphied quote or Bible verse, 5 recipe cards of your favorite dishes [tied together with a pretty bow], or even the scrapbook or memento box itself.) Take into account that you'll be spending a little on each item, which adds up, and then subtract that from your budget for the "big" gift. Your thoughts, love, and prayers matter the most---so let your gift(s) be an expression of your regard for the couple.
~*~*~*~*~
My rules of thumb for registering my gift wishes will be "Don't put anything on the list you yourself wouldn't buy or save to buy" and "Focus on what is needed to set up the home for living and for hosting guests." If I don't need it or want it, it won't go on the list. And I won't be putting registry info in the wedding invitations. (I can't control what any shower hostesses might do.) If anyone wants to know where I'm registered, they'll be able to inquire from my mother, my sister, and my best friend.
Things that we might like to have for our own entertainment (like camping equipment [not that we would need/want it] or tickets to a concert) would be excellent ideas for gifts, but I wouldn't put those on our registry. Those items are the types of things close relatives and close friends might want to give us---b/c they'd know us well enough to give us something we'd really really like but aren't going to "splurge" on. Of course, not required! I just don't think those things are appropriate to put on a registry.
I do think that Home Depot, Lowe's, and other home improvement stores might also be good places to register, especially if your home is a new build in process.
17. Joy W. had the following to say on Jun 13 at 12:44 PM:
Thank you so much, Candace, for posting these guidelines. I was already aware of what proper etiquette dictates for weddings (my mom taught me well), and I admit I've cringed inwardly when I've seen friends unknowingly violate the rules. It seems we all need a reminder of good etiquette.
To those who think that "we're registered at" cards are more helpful than tacky, it's never been easier to check and see where the couple is registered. I can't think of a single store where people register that doesn't have registries listed online. With just a few minutes and a few clicks of the mouse, you can find out where your friends are registered and what they want!
18. e had the following to say on Jun 13 at 1:33 PM:
i remember my sister and her husband registering for bags of potato chips at Target 10+ years ago :)
btw my own husband and i eloped and have never had a moment's regret about our decision, in fact our happiness about it is even further enhanced after reading all of the gift-grubbing posts and 'etiquette' protocol comments.
newsflash: everyone is just as married after the wedding regardless of how the invitations were sent or what was listed on the registry.
19. Cath had the following to say on Jun 13 at 1:37 PM:
Candace and everyone.... very good article and thought-provoking. I've been married about 6 months and have a few points to say here, whether anyone is still reading this stream or not. = )
1. We did register, and did not include the little cards with our invitations. A lot of people thought that was weird and asked us why we didn't and where we were registered. The store we chose was Canadian Tire, which is basically an all purpose hardware and outdoor equiptment place. And yes, it does sell tires. So, after telling people where to find our registry at least two or three didn't want to go to that store so asked if we had registered anywhere else. sheesh. I guess they wanted to give us fancy bath towels or something.
2. only 6 items from our [very affordable] registry of about 30 were purchased and we had 180 people at our wedding. One was the stainless steel garbage can that my Dad bought for us and forgot to give us in the commotion of the big day. A few weeks later he called us up and asked if we didn't mind him just keeping it anyway since he'd found us a tent instead. ha. So why do people ask for your registry when they don't even care what's on it?
3. We broke a rule of etiquette, I guess in that we asked for people to not give gifts, but if they felt so inclined to consider giving to our favourite charity, a child sponsorship program in Vietnam. Well, about 5 people did write checks for this charity and we ended up with a nice sized donation for the Vietnamese kids. I personally think this was one of the most awesome things about our wedding reception. Obviously the Mass or Church part of it was the summit, but the reception [being pot-luck] was all about sharing and celebrating love, which is generous, right?
All in all, I think we were loving in our approach to the gift-getting part of it and tried hard not to offend anyone. The real trick is now... re-finding all the addresses to make sure everyone gets a Thank-you card! A sure reason to ask for no gifts. = )
20. Christine had the following to say on Jun 13 at 1:43 PM:
I mentioned this on the other thread, so I won't completely repeat myself, but I think that there are limited times in which it would be appropriate to ask people to give cash gifts.
My brother and sister-in-law were in such a situation. They flew to the US for their wedding and then flew back afterwards since they were living overseas at the time. They were simply unable to take gifts back with them and ended up leaving almost everything they were given behind because they couldn't take it on the plane.
I'm not saying that it is okay under all circumstances to ask for money - but that I don't think we should view it as a hard and fast rule. Unless the situation is one such as this, I do agree that it is tacky to ask for cash.
21. JMarie had the following to say on Jun 13 at 1:46 PM:
Wow, there are some really good comments on here! ejp and Joy W., you both made some good points.
I just wanted to chip in again on the purpose of etiquette: not making people feel uncomfortable (ie: showing them love!). So, if people are being sticklers about etiquette, pridefully pointing out others' gaffes and making them feel bad, they're not using particularly good etiquette, are they? In other words, don't write etiquette off as stuffy, haughty and old-fashioned...just make sure that what you do is done thoughtfully and with love. Weddings have a funny way of stirring up people's emotions, making it much easier to offend without intent.
And, yes, I do think the etiquette varies a bit from one region to the next, but it couldn't hurt to have some guidelines (like from Miss Manners, Emily Post, or Elise at Indiebride.com) to compare to your local experiences.
v@v mentioned shower registries, and while I do wince at registry cards in wedding invitations (before realizing the bride meant well and getting over it), I think the same registry cards could be helpful in a shower invitation. Showers are often thrown by a friend of the bride unknown to some guests, and since the whole point of a shower is to shower the couple with gifts, registry info in a shower invitation doesn't seem so out of place. However, the best bridal shower I attended requested each of the guests to bring their favorite spice and a recipe that used it. :)
Another side note...I've heard that in England, it is traditional for the bride to buy the bridesmaids' dresses. Do you think brides would be more careful in their choices if that were the case in America?
22. B. had the following to say on Jun 13 at 1:56 PM:
Hey Candice,
Did you actually include the tissue paper because you thought it was required for _etiquette_, or because you thought it made your invitations seem a little more fancy? Though many might not know the original purpose of the tissue paper, I suspect these days the invitations with tissue paper are generally perceived as being a little more fancy - more like engraved invitations. And, there's nothing wrong with adding a low-cost piece of paper if one thinks it gives the invitations a desired impression. And if the bride wants to wear a goofy pink bow on her head, that's ok too. :)
Etiquette is supposed to aid social interaction and is not necessarily the same as, nor in conflict, with traditions.
Thanks for the Miss Manners reference!
23. Katie M. had the following to say on Jun 13 at 2:01 PM:
Wedding gift etiquette is largely cultural, I am learning. I grew up in Indiana, and most people buy gifts from the registry in my experience. Now that I've moved to Connecticut, I find that cash gifts are the norm.
A little more than a year ago I married a Japanese man. My mother-in-law was explaining Japanese wedding ceremonies to me, and if you are a wedding guest, etiquette entails bringing a gift that you estimate is the cost of your (usually rather elaborate) meal at the reception. Then, the newlyweds give each guest a gift in return that is worth a certain percentage of the value of the gift given to them. It goes back and forth several times. Yikes!
Hubby already knew it was considered rude to include registry info in the invitation (I didn't know -- I'm glad he was informed!), so our best man sent a letter to each of our guests with logistics information: nearby hotels and corresponding group rate codes, maps, directions, and for those so inclined, registry information. This way it didn't come from us. Even though we drafted and paid for the mailing, hubby thought it much more tactful that it come from someone other than the couple. Our guests loved the letter, and the best man received endless compliments on it (hehe).
24. v@v had the following to say on Jun 13 at 2:12 PM:
Hm...and that's just the registry. Then those other pesky etiquette questions: How to tell people not to bring children; how to inform people (those I guess who would expect such an amenity) that there will be no alcohol, or whatever, at the reception... I've noticed -- all of these things have to end up on that invite oh-so tactfully.
25. cn had the following to say on Jun 13 at 2:33 PM:
I grew up in the south with a yankee mom and a southern dad, so my expirience with how americans process and use etiquette is very broad. It really is a cultural matter that adjusts between states, regions, countries, and arguably generations. Its a necessary part of society but what i found is that just as easily as etiquette can be used to be a cultural expression of the Golden Rule, it can also be valuing the traditions of man over the commands of God (see mark 7) and a place of casting judegment on others.
Candice says:
"Just because you think something is done out of respect for etiquette doesn't mean it is. Many of the customs we Americans have adopted around weddings are in fact directly opposite of what's required. "
At this point, if something has been adpoted as a custom doesn't it then become part of that communities etiquette (consider black bridesmaid dresses or the grooms father as the best man)? I'm asking this as an honest question, not to be critical so please don't take it as such.
All i know is that my family in the north thinks certain southern rules of etiquette are indeed cheap and univiting, and my southern family finds some of the northern expression of etiquette as uncouth (maybe some of you relate?). And often i find myself stuck between the two (my wedding will end up being an interesting mix of both). If i can say anything positive from this expirience it has definately given me an eye for picking up the manners of other cultures i've served overseas. I am very much pro using etiquette as a means of politely serving others, but i equally dislike the way people judge one another around these social rules. Because of my expirience, i've adopted this: be ovservant, be thankful, be generous and most of all be loving.
i'm interested to see if any of you are like me with family on both sides of the mason/dixen and how you reslove these matters.
26. Blair had the following to say on Jun 13 at 2:45 PM:
I am learning so much from this thread. What does everyone think about a "Money Tree" where guest clip on money or a "Money Dance" where the bride and groom dance with people who pay a small amount to dance with them?
27. Bo had the following to say on Jun 13 at 3:03 PM:
JMarie--
I had to find bridesmaid dresses that made matching maternity dresses for my sister who is 7 months pregnant. They were a little more pricey than I wanted, so I paid for 1/3 of the cost and paid for 2 of the dresses for the girls who are coming in from a long-distance. I don't know if it's a eral English tradition to pay for the BM dresses, but it's a good thing to keep in mind when you're asking your maids to shell out money for the dress, travel, shoes, shower gifts, etc. BTW, my maid-of-honor's maternity dress cost $100 more than my wedding dress! Which is a statement on the amazing price of my dress.
v@v--we didn't invite children, and all we did was write the names of the people who were invited (the parents) on the envelope. I did have a few people outright ask if we were having kids at the wedding, and I told them the truth--that we couldn't afford it. If we had invited all the children of our friends, it would have been an extra 50 mouths to feed! Everyone has been super understanding, which we really appreciate.
As for etiquette, I agree with Candace--it's a matter of the heart and how we strive to serve others in the midst of an occasion that the world tells us is the one day that we can be selfish. It's not true! This is the perfect opportunity to love others in a big, fat way!!
28. Keb had the following to say on Jun 13 at 3:20 PM:
ejp,
Just wanted to say that Judith Martin aka Miss Manners writes a delightful column in several newspapers as well, and though I haven't read any of her books I have read her column a lot. She is familiar with traditional etiquette, of course, but she also focuses on the reasoning behind everything she advises. And the reasoning is always, always to consider the feelings of other people before your own. So her advice is always a loving form of politeness that I respect quite a bit. Plus, she has a modest sense of humor that makes her writing fun to read.
It's not so much a case of a random person writing a book saying what you should and shouldn't do. There's nothing wrong with disagreeing about finer points of etiquette, so long as the major point is accomplished. I think Miss Manners would agree with that.
29. Marci had the following to say on Jun 13 at 4:57 PM:
Hello All!
Well, I was shocked that so many people thought it was crazy to try to cover one's plate, but according to this link, my perspective is a common belief.
See...
http://ezinearticles.com/?Wedding-Gifts---How-Much-to-Spend&id=552059
But, even this site says that although this is the perception, it's not the rule (not inscribed etiquette). It was even more interesting that according to the research cited, many brides don't even feel that it's necessary for the guests to cover the plate, as many posters were suggesting.
BUT - this is a social convention in the circles I traffic in (funny enough, none of us are wealthy or even close...), so I guess I don't mind still covering the plate for the people I know because I know for certain they will cover their plate and more.
And for the record (especially for those who responded in the previous post on registries and insinuated that expecting guests to cover the plate was rude, greedy, or a sign that the couple had an overly expensive wedding) I certainly don't intend to be paying $75 per plate when I wed. An aunt of my best friends has started up a small catering business and makes great food - she's willing to get 200 people fed for little over $3000, so that's what I'm going with. So when I wrote in the previous post, I was speaking about what I *honestly* believed was etiquette ...and given the internet article above, I'm not alone in this belief. Believing in a convention and being greedy or selfish are very, very different things.
Just for fun: don't you think it would be wrong for me to give my friends a gift less than will cover their plate when I know they intend to do so for me? I think the laws of reciprocity are still stylish lol...
That being said, I never thought of this convention as being the "the price of admission to the ceremony" - I just honestly believed this was what one did. The thought that this convention was like paying for one's ticket at the movies is really, *really* disturbing now that I reflect on it - so if this is how people interpreted my previous post, I apologize for not being clear ...and I understand why so many people were taken aback.
I guess I was just always taught that the guests should do their best to help the couple off to a good start, and this was why this convention was in place - so it wasn't a selfish or greedy type of thing...on the contrary, I was taught that it's selfish to go to the wedding, eat the food, and not contribute substantially (ie. Kind of like when you go to someone’s house for a dinner party and you're constantly telling the hostess/host 'oh, don't put yourself out of your way!' because you don't want to inconvenience them...similarly, I was taught that this is the same as going to a wedding: instead of making the 'don't inconvenience yourself' statement, you give money or a gift which shows that you don't want to inconvenience the bride and groom, since they've been kind enough to invite you to the wedding....)
Go a head and have a good laugh if you've never heard of this before lol...but this is honestly how all my family and friends approach weddings...I guess people in different contexts just show honor in different ways.
Blessings to All!
30. Marci had the following to say on Jun 13 at 5:05 PM:
P.S.
I also work at Linens N' Things part time in the Functional House department...and believe it or not, I specialize in providing guest service at the gift registry station! (I'm especially needed now, with wedding season upon us all). Having spoken with guests while helping them select gifts (very practicle, of course!), I can only count a handful of gifts that did not follow the 'cover your plate' convention - to the point where I've seen guests become distressed when certain gifts they wanted to purchase are taken, and they're striving to hit a certain 'target' dollar amount...
Weird enough, I never thought these people were nuts ...I just thought they were honestly trying to be kind to the bride and groom, as I would be in a similar situation.
Blessings to all!
31. Laura had the following to say on Jun 13 at 5:13 PM:
Oof. Candice, I am so relieved that you posted this. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown reading about people who were practically instating a cover charge for entrance into the wedding! Good grief!
Gifts are just that - gifts. They should never be demanded or even expected. When a 5-year-old asks for a present, someone corrects him and tells him that's not a nice thing to do, right? Well, this is the same thing - a wedding is not an opportunity to shake down all your closest friends and then get huffy when they don't meet the dollar amount you've set.
If you really don't need anything, great! Praise the Lord for his provision, and when folks call to congratulate you and ask where you're registered, tell them you'd love to share the day with them, and that's the best gift they could give. Then if they decide to get you something, whether it's a hot pink toaster cover or a check for $200, you'll write them a sweet thank you note and move on.
A wedding is about the joining of two lives -- "a great mystery" pointing to Christ and the church. It is not about the bottom line.
32. Laura had the following to say on Jun 13 at 5:25 PM:
Marci, thanks for your gracious response! I'm glad you took the time to clarify your position.
Here's the thing: when a bride sits down to determine what kind of reception she wants, she has total control over how much she spends. The thing can be punch and cake in the church lobby for a total of a hundred bucks. If she wants to have a sit-down dinner, fine. But she undertook that expense for her own party. If I threw a dinner party for half a dozen friends, I wouldn't expect them each to bring a contribution to the meal that exceeded the price of the food I'd purchased. That would be presumptuous, wouldn't it? Same goes for receptions. They're designed for the guests to "receive" the bride and groom and pass along their good wishes, and can be a simple or as elaborate as the couple chooses, without factoring in how much they're going to profit after they've tallied up the gains and losses.
Regarding etiquette in general, there's a great movie quote: "The short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible." Etiquette isn't about tradition as much as it is about thinking about others before you think of yourself.
33. cn had the following to say on Jun 13 at 6:17 PM:
to go back to the "cover the plate" convo... like marci, i was taught the same in my mixed etiquette background. it was never a demand by the bride, but a generous standard given by the guests. as a rule of thumb it definately has flaws but i never associated it as a "cover charge" because i never considered it a standard of the bride. make sense?
the apallment expressed in some of the posts is the exact reason why i am sometimes hesitant of using inscribed etiquette as a ruling authority. what's supposed to be set in place to serve and love others can result in hurt feelings. Someone brought up the dollar dance a while back so let me use this as an example. My northern cousins always have a dollar dance at their weddings. Its given by the wedding party and all the guests collectively view it as a way to shower the bride and groom with generosity. they give a dollar to dance with the bride or groom and in return get a drink or ice cream. The maid of honor and best man collect the dollars and give them to the bride and groom as a gift to use usually on the honeymoon. Everyone is in collective agreement that this is a gift to the new married couple and they participate joyously. This traditions, however, probably doesn't meet true codes of etiquette, but they do it anyhow. I was sharing this with my boyfriend's very southern mother who was apalled and accused my northern family of not knowing how to treat guests (if she had ever been to a northern wedding she might change her tune). Honestly, it hurt my feelings b/c this was my family we were talking about!! It may not be propper etiquette but it is part of this western PA community's tradition. And to them it has little to do with how to treat the guest but everything to do with how the guest chose to honor the bride and groom. Believe me, the guests are treated well with a huge meal and party to go with it (they are in southern weddings too but in a different way... i'm partial to both styels)!
so... i just know that when it comes to etiquette i've definately had my feelings hurt by both sides of my family, so there are certain things that i just hold losely and i mainly try to live by a standard of love. Candice, weigh in on this b/c i know you are a northern girl with a southern husband! What do you do with conflicting views of etiquette or a difference in emphasis?
34. Mandi had the following to say on Jun 13 at 6:33 PM:
v&v -- re: how to tell ppl not to bring kids, I've seen "Wishing sweet dreams to children under 12"
35. k. had the following to say on Jun 13 at 7:15 PM:
No worries, Marci--I think it's great that you want to give nice gifts. :) I just hadn't heard that particular rule of thumb before.
I have a couple of friends who had "money dances" at their receptions. Personally, you'd have to drag me into that kicking and screaming, but what the heck...it's not my wedding, my culture, or my tradition, either.
I think one of the most important things about etiquette is making others feel comfortable and at ease. And a lot depends on context and how well you know someone; friends of mine who are missionaries asked for money to be contributed to their support in lieu of gifts, and it didn't bother me at all.
While it's important to have a grasp of correct rules and etiquette, you can get a little carried away it, too. Especially when it comes to giving or receiving gifts! So if at my wedding, Great Aunt Flossie shows up bearing six potholders with the Lincoln Memorial cross-stitched on them, a framed photo of me and an ex-boyfriend, and a hideous cookie jar, I'll just smile and go with the flow. Life's too short!
36. Kellie had the following to say on Jun 13 at 7:24 PM:
Candice, does this mean that you didn't register anywhere when you got married? Or that you refuse to buy gifts off registries for family or friends?
37. Ada had the following to say on Jun 13 at 7:39 PM:
I just wanted to say that I totally agree with you, Marci. I'm rather shocked at the general shock to your views (which I share). I think it's likely a regional thing. The "cover your plate" thought is the general rule of thumb in NY/ NJ at least. In and around NYC, where I'm from, it's hard to find a reception site for under $200 per plate, and the cheapest places (like certain restaurants instead of catering halls) still run $100 per person so I always aim for at least a $100 gift for my friends (so I'm at least partially relieving their financial burden) and in general, all my friends do the same thing as I.
Around NY at least, it's not so simple to find a cheap reception spot (such as your church fellowship hall or something) that has enough space for all the people you're inviting to your wedding (esp. if you have large families) Remember you end up with a lot of hurt feelings, too, if you invite some ppl and not others, etc. That's why, where I'm from, high wedding costs are pretty much thrust upon you, even if you're aiming for a simple as opposed to a lavish reception. So, as a guest, you do what you can do help, as a way to support and celebrate the new couple. Of course, you give what you can afford, but many of us do aim for the $100 mark.
38. Leah had the following to say on Jun 13 at 8:12 PM:
I have never even heard of wedding registry cards. Maybe Aussies are politer? :P
Frankly though, I read some of that list and think "I don't care". I don't think etiquette is what matters- politeness is. And there are some things that aren't seen as appropriate by traditional etiquette that these days, are generally seen as fine. In my opinion, if it's seen as acceptable by the majority of the population, that's all that matters- provided you aren't making your guests feel obliged to give a gift, because that defeats the point of a gift. Forget etiquette! These things change.
The whole idea of wanting a present to cover the cost of a plate is awful. I generally agree with what Laura said- "The short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible."
The thing I was most bothered about on Miss Manners' list was the whole not asking for cash or donations to charities. I think back to my friends who I mentioned on the last thread- they were moving 1600km away. It would have been difficult, expensive and impractical for them to fly kitchen appliances, crystal glasses, etc to their home. They still received some presents, and I am sure they are just as grateful for them, but they did have a note with the invitation with a little rhyme on it, saying that because they'd be moving away cash would be appreciated due to the difficulty of packing larger gifts. I wasn't at all offended by the request and I'm sure nobody else was either.
As for inviting children, which I saw was raised by some comments, I intend on inviting children who are immediate relatives- eg. cousins. I would also consider welcoming the children of very close friends. As for other kids, I would have to agree that it would simply just get too expensive.
39. Leah had the following to say on Jun 13 at 8:14 PM:
I would also point out that my friends were not asking FOR money- they were just basically saying "If you are going to give us a gift we woudl appreciate that it would be money rather than an actual item".
40. Sylvia had the following to say on Jun 13 at 10:16 PM:
Isn't it awful sad that in the opinion of some of these people rich girls whose daddies can afford expensive weddings obligate their guests to get them expensive presents (matching the cost of their part of the ridiculous party) that they certainly would not ever want for anyway, when couples who can only afford a potluck are the ones that could really use some help starting out.
41. Bec had the following to say on Jun 14 at 5:04 AM:
I'm getting married in January and yes we are doing the registry thing (no idea about the card in invites - that seems a bit rude), we aren't keeping it specific to any particular shop but will set up one online with a 'rough guide' and perhaps a few specifics. This way we don't double up on too many things and people can spend whatever they like - wherever they like and aren't stuck to Myers.
People like knowing what you want. I didn't have a list for engagement party (which is this Sunday) and had to make things up on the spot - feels a bit awkward, at least this way we can point people somewhere and they can satisfy themselves in knowing a present will be useful.
42. Robert J Espe had the following to say on Jun 14 at 7:22 AM:
I think a registry is great way to insure you don't get 8 crock pots that can't be returned from well meaning grandmas. What would you do with them in an efficiency apt? Would it be less offensive to just throw extra stuff away if I have no where to keep it until I re-gift it? Of course I treasure the hand made gifts, and the small gifts selected by dear friends that remind me of their love more than anything. I kept them all. But my registry held back the tide of $40 electronic veggie steamers that I just had to return anyways (still ended up with 6 knife/block sets).
Apparently that is offensive, but people have no problem telling families not to bring kids? After I finished making our invitations, my bride asked why I didn't specify that kids were invited (I used a traditional family invite on all invitations to couples, i.e. Mr. & Mrs. Robert Espe). I said it was because I never would have imagined a world where Christians would exclude children from a family event. I added the detail to our website, but none of my blue collar friends wondered whether they could bring kids, they thought the same as I did.
About the covering the cost thing. I just wanted my friends to come to my wedding with no pressure to give anything. But when family members expect you to invite EVERYBODY (and will whether you do or not) I ended up inviting at least 100 people I didn't care to have at the wedding. So I kind of expect the "extra people" to bring gifts to defray the cost of their unwanted attendance (after all, if given the choice, I would rather they not be there. I'm not trying to be mean, I am talking about the extended, lives across the country, never hear from in your life not really my family crowd). Of course I also noticed that I got the largest gifts from my "poorest" friends who I would never have asked anything from.
43. Marci had the following to say on Jun 14 at 8:39 AM:
Hey All,
I was reflecting on a few things. When I speak of getting food at $3000, this is of course without the hall and the church. When you add this up, we will hit almost $10,000 ($50/head). I plan to go very inexpensive on my wedding dress, etc, so that I can invite more guests and they can all enjoy their food. I should also remind people that I the figures I give are in Canadian dollars, not American - don't you think this is still a frugal wedding? Not exorbitant? We really felt that we were being wise in our budgeting here (yes, we've started budgeting, so speak now or forever hold your peace!). In Toronto/greater toronto area where I live, you will try place after place and you KNOW you're extra blessed if you find anything less than $75 a head (it drives many brides to tears!).
We've considered going out further for a wedding - but so many of our friends and family simply would not be able to make the trek. Some of my friends who live farther out are blessed, as they can get everyone fed for $20/person (hall, food, everything!). We even considred a destination wedding, but we've canned that idea because we really want the presence of our friends.
And yes, these friends will 'cover their plate' - so yes, I think it's fine if people don't pay $75-100 Canadian at my wedding. And I honestly won't begrudge anyone who cannot cover their plate/head. I've always been motivated by my pastors words during offering time "I would encourage you to prepare your best gift and bring it to the altar". Consequently, I will save for months before a wedding so that I can give the couple my "best gift". I know they're not God lol...but I want to honor them, and tithe/offering time at church is the best model I've had of this! So this is why I usually cover my plate and more....
But I do know the convention in my area is that we cover our heads (wow, I'm saying this, and this reminds me of in the Bible where there's the debate about head coverings for women and then its all solved when we're told that if there's any contention, we have no such tradition...)....but doesn't giving your "best gift" imply sacrifice? Isn't it going to be uncomfortable sometimes? I think our culture generally may be a less giving society; with all the materialism out there (which is not the same as being between a rock and a hard place when it comes to planning a frugal wedding and thus spending more money because of basic costs), if pastors are struggling to get their people to give tithes (and then there's the whole debate about whether you tithe on your "gross" or your "net"), we've got *bigger* fish to fry than weddings. Seriously.
This is certainly not to imply that people who haven't heard of the convention of covering your plate at a wedding - or don't subscribe to it - aren't cheerful givers; this is just a line of thought that I'm considering now that I'm thinking about my motivations for giving my "best gift" at a wedding.
Responses Welcome & Blessings to All!
44. Elena had the following to say on Jun 14 at 8:42 AM:
Laura S.: Amazon.com and Target.com both have Wish List options, allowing for gift ideas for any and every occasion. HomeDepot.com also has a gift registry that isn't labeled wedding.
Marci and Ada: Thanks for the explanations. I think part of the issue is that the cost of living is higher up North, so purchasing a more expensive gift (like $100 or more) is seen as s.o.p. It does make sense that the guests are just trying to consider what makes a loving, generous, nice gift. I can certainly appreciate that desire! :o)
v@v: I've never heard of the tradition of giving objects for the shower gifts and a monetary gift at the wedding. We don't do that around here. (I think here in the South there is some old antebellum holdover of not talking much about money—so asking for money or having some expectation of money being given, is seen as tacky.)
Blair: I don't know about the entire South, but at least in my area, a money tree or a money dance is considered tacky. It must be a tradition brought over from the Old Country... one that didn't survive down here! ;o)
45. Alison D. had the following to say on Jun 14 at 9:58 AM:
Unless I overlooked it, no one has answered v@v's question yet. Officially, it is very gauche to put registry information in the wedding invitation, but it is definitely okay in a shower invitation. The shower is thrown by friends of the bride and/or groom with the explicit intention of *showering* the couple with gifts. Registry info should never come from the bride or groom unless asked. But if your maid of honor includes it in the shower invitation, that is perfectly acceptable.
Also, one of the bonuses of having a shower is that the gifts arrive *before* the wedding day (much more convenient and manageable). So if you take a gift to a shower, that IS your wedding gift. If you just can't live with coming empty handed to the ceremony, bring a card that you've personalized with a heart-felt note.
As far as your responsibilities as a bridesmaid, you should pay for your ensemble and help throw the bridal shower. That's it. For the shower, whether "help" means manual labor or financial contribution is something to be worked out among the bridesmaids themselves. The maid (or matron) of honor is responsible for heading up the shower(s) and should spearhead these efforts. Hope that helps.
46. jo mamma had the following to say on Jun 14 at 11:07 AM:
Candice
"That you would even ask about the propriety of a cash-for-house request shows just how far we've come in our understanding of the purpose of a wedding."
Candice,
I am a bit discouraged by the subtle insult that was directed my way. Please email me about this.
The first post I was trying to say something funny because it seems like there is only women responding to these threads, hence the name Jo Mamma. Is that how you would have responded if I had come to you as a leader in my church and needed advice.
I would never feel comfortable asking for money for anything, it was honestly just a question.
The purpose of a wedding? well, if people are buying you household items isn't that helping you since they are buying things you don't need to buy? Call me crazy but I think that's a cultural norm.
Do you want to see the Nikes I just designed on their site? They're so cool you may just want to buy them for my wedding!
47. JMarie had the following to say on Jun 14 at 11:21 AM:
Blair: kudos to you for taking care of your attendants! I've been lucky in my bridesmaid experience with budget-minded brides, too, but I've heard horror stories.
I grew up in the rural western US, and my parents' generation had cake and punch receptions in the church hall. The concept of covering your plate is a rather new one to me, though as clarified by Marci, not appalling as I originally thought. Still, I'm confused. This sounds like this tradition has been around for a while (in the northeast, at least), but it's also traditional for the bride's family to pay for the wedding. Would brides somehow use their gifts to reimburse their families? Covering your plate as a generous offer makes sense to me only if the couple is paying for their own wedding (which happens more and more lately, but not so much in the past). Am I missing something?
As for the dollar dance...I've seen weddings where guests loved it and weddings where it bombed. I think that comes down, again, to knowing your own cultural traditions and your guests' expectations. Some friends of mine said the dollar dance was their best opportunity to talk to their guests one-on-one, but my mother said she's not comfortable with it, so there ya go.
48. v@v had the following to say on Jun 14 at 12:14 PM:
Thanks AlisonD. It's a question that's come up often. Last year I had four weddings, this coming year, I have about three more and am in one of them. I'm at peace about what to do now. :-)
We definitely do the shower gift + wedding gift thing here. Unless I've had this all wrong, but I just follow what's been done. That's it. I'm moving to the South. Weddings seem easier there. haha. :-)
49. Maggie had the following to say on Jun 14 at 1:18 PM:
Maybe it's just me, but I didn't get from Candice's post that she is against registries, but rather that she is against couples putting "anything and everything" they want on a registry, especially things that are unnecessary and expensive. However, a friend of mine got married a couple of years ago and had a really expensive comforter on her registry. She mentioned to me (I didn't ask or point out that it was expensive - that would have been rude for sure!) that they had registered for it not expecting to have it as a gift, but because the store she was registered at would sell registry items that hadn't been purchased at a discounted rate to the couple after the wedding. I'm not sure if this is the case everywhere, but you may bear it in mind if you're reading a registry and seeing something quite expensive listed. (The store was the Bay, by the way-quite popular for registries here in Canada).
Marci:
I was reading these posts and thinking that the cover-your-plate thing must be a regional thing because I've never heard of it... and now I see that we're from the same city! lol Of course, my parents never taught me much about etiquette so it may just be that I'm uneducated. It's a good rule of thumb when you're not sure (assuming the bride and groom didn't splurge unnecessarily for caviar), bearing in mind that it's not *expected* by the bride but seen as just what it is, a gift to get the marriage off on a good foot.
50. Ariana had the following to say on Jun 14 at 1:21 PM:
I hear a lot about differences between the North and the South, but what about the Midwest? Maybe it's just my family and our social circles, but I just couldn't really see having this conversation where I'm from, not seriously at least--it would be kind of odd. Someone else help me out here or tell me that I'm off base.
I wanted to agree with Robert J. Espe's surprise that people would exclude children from a wedding ceremony. When one commenter mentioned the added expense, I understood better. But that seems to go against the spirit of a wedding--celebration within community, which definitely includes children. If the expense is the main issue, I would think that finding cheaper fare or going buffet style would be worth it.
Also, it's been commonly said that expecting gifts is contra the spirit and purpose of a wedding. While I would agree that demanding gifts, particularly gifts of a certain value, is selfish, I think that the tradition of gift-giving at weddings is a great way for the community to be able to participate in the new life of the couple. Given that, it also seems fine for the couple to articulate what they need (probably not in the wedding invitation, though). And actually, while it's fine for a couple to say that gifts are not necessary or to mention a charity instead shows generosity of spirit, both myself and others have perceived such requests to be out of place at times--given the nature of a wedding (celebrating the foundation of a family/household). Many times it takes just as much graciousness to know how to receive a gift when appropriate as it does to give one.
51. Suzanne had the following to say on Jun 14 at 2:21 PM:
Marci wrote: but doesn't giving your "best gift" imply sacrifice?
Marci, thanks for your honesty. Sometimes giving does require sacrifice; however I think God is more concerned with the attitude of the heart when it comes to tithing rather than that of the amount. I am reminded of the Bible story of the Widow who only put in 2 pennies, and yet God was pleased with her because he knew she was giving him everything. (See Luke 21:1-4). When we tithe, it should be with a grateful heart that we can give back to God even such a small portion of what He has already given us.
Enough on tithing. As for giving wedding gifts, I think it is really sweet that you save up to buy your friends gifts. That is very thoughtful. To the best of my knowledge the Bible does not specifically address the cost of a wedding gift. The Bible does address a few other things that I believe can speak to the decisions we make on how much we spend on a gift. For me, one of those one of those biblical principles is stewardship. If I am living on a limited budget, I must be wise and be careful to not over spend on a wedding gift at the sacrifice of say, paying my rent. Another principal for me personally is submission to my husband. While I might desire to give a friend a $75 gift (which has happened before) and my husband feels that is not in the best interest of our funds, I have to submit to his authority. I think there are many other Biblical principles that apply here.
Finally, as a bride, our attitudes towards all gifts we receive should be one of humility. Knowing we did not do anything to deserve a gift, we can be humble in receiving gifts. We can also be humble in giving a reception with no expectations to be given something in return. I feel this is a true model of humility and exemplifies a Christ-like attitude.
Philippians 2:3-6 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you
52. Christine had the following to say on Jun 14 at 3:07 PM:
I've spend the majority of my life living in the North and I think that the dollar dance is tacky. I just don't see how it could be anything other than an out and out bid for money - something that just seems rude to me.
53. JMarie had the following to say on Jun 14 at 3:50 PM:
Ariana: well said!
54. Marci had the following to say on Jun 14 at 4:47 PM:
Dear Suzanne,
You said: "For me, one of those one of those biblical principles is stewardship. If I am living on a limited budget, I must be wise and be careful to not over spend on a wedding gift at the sacrifice of say, paying my rent. Another principal for me personally is submission to my husband. While I might desire to give a friend a $75 gift (which has happened before) and my husband feels that is not in the best interest of our funds, I have to submit to his authority. I think there are many other Biblical principles that apply here."
The first scenario - for sure! If it's about paying the rent, a wedding gift is certainly less important.
Second scenario - for sure! And I never considered this scenario, so this was a great illustration for you to bring up.
All in all - I really do understand if someone *honestly* cannot afford it, or if they cannot give a certain amount because they must submit to their spouse, by all means don't buy a costly gift (lol - I surely wouldn't want to know that a couple is having a spat over giving me a gift to celebrate my own happy union!). But what I don't think is kind is if an individual were to simply put genrosity to the soon to be wedded couple low on their priority list (Ie. would rather not sacrifice some lattes, or is just a habitual late shoper). Of course, this is a personal choice, and as you *rightly* pointed out, there are many factors involved.
I guess it's pretty clear I think love is in the details lol...and I know not everyone thinks like this. I guess its always hard to try to see it from the other perspective - but I do understand - as you've implied- that wisdom and foresight must always be applied when giving gifts, or in any other decision-making process.
Blessings to you!
55. Jen had the following to say on Jun 15 at 12:15 AM:
Candice, I have one question and it is in regards to the gift from the bride and groom to the guests. Is it proper for the bride and groom to provide a gift or “party favor” for the guests? I have been to some weddings where the guests receive a Hershey’s hug and kiss or other weddings where the guests receive a cd of the bride and groom’s songs. The gift that made the most impact on me was that each guest received a little scroll that explained something to the effect that a donation had been made in honor of the day and people attending to the American Cancer Society. The reason for this was that the groom’s father had passed away from a brain tumor a few years prior and was obviously not there. I personally appreciated that since my father also passed away from cancer and will not be able to walk me down the aisle someday.
I also have one comment. It is in regards to being a bridesmaid. Last summer I was in two weddings. In one, I had to buy a dress the bride picked out, which ran just over $100. Even though it’s a little expensive I was honored to be in the wedding and do whatever I could for the bride and groom. In the other wedding, the bride said the bridesmaids may pick out their own dresses as long as they were black and tea length, they did not need to match. I found my at a consignment shop for just under $30. I was also honored to be in that wedding and appreciated her choice for the dresses. But if she would have had us purchase expensive dresses, I still would have done that, because the bride is my friend. But it is just a idea for future brides.
56. Cath had the following to say on Jun 15 at 1:08 PM:
Jen, that's cool about the bride getting her bridesmaids to wear black tea length dresses... it's exactly what I did for my wedding! I was aware that 3 of my 4 bridesmaids had already been a bridesmaid at least 3 times before. Yikes. I didn't want them to have to pay another ton of money for a dress they'd never wear again. But our wedding was cheap all round... I didn't even pay to get my hair done while all my bridesmaids did! Anyways, off topic. = )
57. Leah had the following to say on Jun 18 at 9:43 AM:
A friend of mine is in the process of organising his wedding. This is what he recently posted about gifts/registries on his blog...
Today's topic though is the fun part - gifts. Obviously the more people you invite to a wedding the more bounty you come away with at the end. An abundance of toasters, cheese platters and photo frames awaits the disorganised couple. Gift registries were born out of the desire not to have to sort through the piles of toasters to find gems. They're practical. But they suck. I hate them. I've never bought anyone anything of a registry. I now give my Christian friends subscriptions to the Briefing and haven't really figured out a substitute for non Christians.
Wishing Wells are even worse - they're essentially an even more practical step than the registry - don't give us gifts, just give us the cash. It's impersonal to the extreme but also extremely practical which has some benefits. The pressure to come up with a witty or insightful poem or verse on why someone should give you money is also too much of a cross to bear in the lead up to impending nuptials.
In response to my aversion to both registries and wishing wells I've come up with what I believe is the ultimate response - the anti-registry. We're going to list all the things we already own and people can fill in the gaps. I've made the initial web page using google's page creator - it's that easy. Now it's a matter of getting the idea by mums and dads.
http://nathanintownsville.blogspot.com
58. Bo had the following to say on Jun 18 at 3:12 PM:
Ariana said "But that seems to go against the spirit of a wedding--celebration within community, which definitely includes children. If the expense is the main issue, I would think that finding cheaper fare or going buffet style would be worth it."
I think your definition of the spirit of a wedding is quite generalized. While I like it and hope that my wedding promotes that, the real spirit is God's covenantal love toward His bride through our marriage relationship.
I LOVE children, and it has been heartbreaking that we can't have an extra 50 kids running around bringing joy to the celebration. But our reception is as thrifty as we could possibly make it--just tea and cupcakes.
While I agree that including children is important, sometimes it's just not possible.
59. Kellie had the following to say on Jun 18 at 4:07 PM:
So, I went with my parents to church this weekend (smallish church) and in the bulletin was a shower invition for the ladies in the church. Not only did it state where the girl was registered, but it described the decoratinh scheme of every room in the house. Kind of overkill if you ask me...