Bridal Gift Registry
by Motte Brown on 06/12/2007 at 12:53 PM
Whenever I express an opinion about some minute detail of home decor, my wife sighs and says, "Just like my bridal registry." It's true. I have lots of opinions about things I probably shouldn't. I can't help it. I'm just into practicality and feng shui. So when I ran across this article on the essentials of bridal registry, I could really relate.
Sara Dickerman, food and dining editor for "Seattle Magazine," preaches modesty when given the "chance to receive pretty much everything you want." Here's why:
The truth is, space, at least easily accessible space, will always be an issue, even in a dream kitchen. Don't plan for the unlikely eventualities -- the huge buffet that calls for chafing dishes. Instead, look at the realities of your life in your near future. Kitchenware stores are endlessly tempting with their hyper-specific appliances (like this margarita maker), but in most cases, something else more all-purpose -- in this case, a blender -- can do the job perfectly well. Value and versatility should be the ultimate litmus test for whether something belongs in your kitchen. If for some reason you suddenly find yourself in need of your own meat slicer, invest in it then.
Sara then goes into great detail about her list of "crucial items worth investing a little money in -- yours or somebody else's." My favorite? The bar mop dishcloths. After nine years of cleaning spills and counters with fancy linens that absorb about as well as construction paper, I could really use some of those.
1. P&P said the following at 1:34 PM on Jun 12:
1. Motte, if you really want an absorbent dishcloth, you should learn to knit or crochet. The "kitchen cotton" yarn sold in most discount stores is the most absorbent cotton known to humanity.
By the way, it used to be acceptable for men to knit and crochet (the earliest crocheting was done by fishermen in pre-biblical times), so please don't be put off.
2. This is also a good tie in for the frugality theme present on Boundless. I can't tell you how many registries I've seen where the cheapest item is $75! That kind of greed and materialism is not only selfish, it also puts an undue burden on friends and family who are trying to make their own ends meet.
2. Dr. Ransom said the following at 1:53 PM on Jun 12:
Frankly, this side of singlehood I am perplexed by the whole notion of wedding gifts. At present, four very large boxes of very valuable yet annoying impractical wedding gifts from my parents' ceremony in 1981 are crowding the space in my bedroom (on the third floor of the house).
I took one look at those boxes and hear about the value and yet impractical natures of their contents -- fine china that a family of eight could never use, etc. -- and I immediately announced, "At *my* wedding, little but helpful cash donations will be accepted. Wal-Mart and Kroger's gift cards would be nice, too."
Perhaps I am defying Sacred and Time-Honored Wedding Tradition in this, but I also hope to cram some little details about Christ and the Church into the vows themselves, so why not merely continue in ceremony customization ...
3. v@v said the following at 2:29 PM on Jun 12:
I'm not gonna lie -- I've always wondered about that waffle maker. Because really, who makes their own waffles more than once? I mean -- there's IHOP and Eggos. I don't know, I'm Puerto Rican, not much use for a waffle maker here. I can probably count on my grandmother giving me the timeless gift -- a big cast iron pot, for, you guessed it -- rice.
4. fridge said the following at 2:58 PM on Jun 12:
I was looking through a junk mail catalogue the other day and saw pizza makers, pie makers, bread makers etc for sale, for between $50-$200. I said to my husband "Look at all these gadgets for sale! Wouldn't it be great if someone could make a mega gadget that would do all these things for you, like make pizzas, bread, pies and everything? You know, something like an OVEN???" Seriously, is a pizza oven in any way better than a normal oven for making pizza?
At our wedding, we were a bit concerned about getting an assortment of stuff we'd never use, so we asked people on the invitation to consider cash or a donation to our favourite charity instead of a physical present. Worked a treat - we had money for our honeymoon and a decent donation to charity. We still got some non-cash presents, but they were few enough that we could appreciate them, rather than shove them in a box and have no idea what to do with them all.
5. kman said the following at 3:09 PM on Jun 12:
We didn't do a registry at all. We both had all the stuff for setting up a home-we both had our owns places- and saw no need for wedding gifts.
We DID however get some gifts and actually still use one. It's a cotton blanket from Ralph Lauren. I hope to be buried with it someday LOL
6. Bethany said the following at 3:41 PM on Jun 12:
Ditto to P&P's suggestion - a $1.25 ball of dishcloth cotton will make two fabulous washcloths. (Besides, knitting and crochet are very relaxing.)
One thing I can't believe no one's mentioned for cooking equipment is a good slow cooker (Crockpot). It's the best thing since sliced bread if you work full-time and want to come home to a hot meal. Just toss everything in before work (or church), turn it on, and it's done by the time you get home!
7. Sam said the following at 4:17 PM on Jun 12:
Bethany, WORD to your post about the crock pot. I could not live without mine!
I've never done up a registry before, but I have had to buy a gift off one. And I didn't like it. Too many expensive gifts that I could never afford to buy! So I either bought the cheapest, as-yet-unpurchased item or just went to Walmart and picked up something suitable for a wedding gift.
8. Marci said the following at 4:50 PM on Jun 12:
Hello All!
P&P: The reason the cheapest item on the gift registry was $75 is because the price of plates of food at receptions has shot through the roof. Unfortunately, there are people who have little sense of the protocol, and will therefore buy an item that costs $25 dollars (or less) if its listed - and this is ALL they will give as a gift! Honestly, the *least* a person could give for a gift and still be considered respectable years ago was $60 per person attending...and that was years ago. If people understood this, I do believe many couples wouldn't feel obligated to ask for pricey but neccessary gifts upfront (of course, shop early so you end up spending your hard earned money on something useful, not frivolous). And usually people don't give less than $100 as a cash gift (some people give more than this), so in this case paying $75 might be better.
I do understand that weddings can get pricey - so I will only attend a wedding if I can afford to give an appropriate cash gift or registry gift (this is why I'm only attending three of the four weddings I've been invited to this summer - if only people would space out their weddidngs!).
V@V: I use waffle makers readily for girls night, etc lol - so I guess it depends on the person!
fridge: I think asking people to consider a donation to charity is acceptable - but it is widely considered poor etiquette to ask for a cash wedding gift. Before you chew me up, I totally agree that this is unfair, but it is considered poor manners...so a lot of people avoid this (and as I pointed out to P&P, usually you have to give more cash, which is why people feel its rude for a couple to express a preference).
Back to Motte's point: I wholeheartedly agree that people should be wise and practical regarding what they put on a gift registry - this way, at least people feel like their hard earned money hasn't been thrown away on a wish list.
Blessings to All!
9. Samuel PG said the following at 5:08 PM on Jun 12:
My parents generally buy a gift that seems to be more targeted at the groom (though I am sure I will take flak for making this gender specific) because they have noticed that almost everything on most registries tends to be more along the lines of things the bride would like. They will usually give a decent set of tools that will be nice to have around the house, perhaps a hammer, a few different types and sizes of screwdrivers, a level, a tape measure, hooks and nails for walls, etc. Of course, both the bride and groom generally appreciate it because once they move into their new place with pictures in need of hanging and shelves in need of being built it is nice to be able to actually use those things.
10. k. said the following at 5:50 PM on Jun 12:
Motte--Are you really into feng shui, or is that just shorthand for liking things to look appealing?? Although I did get a bit of a laugh imagining a Boundless editor hyperventilating about having a trashcan in their "friends" or "money" corner. :)
Personally, I love stores like Williams-Sonoma, meaning that I've occasionally bought overpriced kitchen items for friends' registries as well as my own house (such as table linens, gourmet muffin mix, and Le Creuset). Sometimes it's fun getting people the less practical items they have listed, whether they wind up using it for the next 20 years or not.
I've never heard of the price-per-reception-plate rule, and my instinct is to be totally put off by that. Gifts are gifts, freely given to recognize the occasion. Turning it into a financial exchange, to me at least, seems a little crass. Sometimes people have severe financial constraints, but would still like to contribute *something* to your wedding. Besides, you can hardly go up to the prospective bride and say, "So, how much are you forking over per head? And are you serving a sit-down meal, or just cake and punch? Because if you're not giving me herb-encrusted salmon, you're getting a $10 doily as your gift."
11. jcs said the following at 6:19 PM on Jun 12:
>The reason the cheapest item on the
> gift registry was $75 is because the
> price of plates of food at
> receptions has shot through the
> roof.
And what does one have to do with the other? Since when were wedding receptions supposed to be eqitable economic transactions?
Brides should register for gifts of various prices, so each guest can give according to his/her means.
BTW, I agree that asking for cash gifts is extraordinarily tacky and rude. It puts all the emphasis on "how much" your guests are giving, rather than "what" they're giving, which puts your less wealthy guests into an embarassing situation. It's much easier for the newlyweds to subconsciously compare the generosity of their guests when the dollar values are sitting there in plain sight.
12. Christine said the following at 6:38 PM on Jun 12:
I agree with K. on the price per overhead thing. I'm not married (nor have I ever had a reason to plan a wedding), but I don't see anything wrong with a $25 wedding gift. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I couldn't even afford to give my brother more than a $25 wedding gift...
Frankly, being a student, I can't do more than that (and sometimes I can barely do that). I don't go to a wedding expecting a fancy dinner - I go to celebrate the union of two people. I would hope that they would see my gift (small though it may be) as what it is - a gift of love.
13. jo mamma said the following at 6:44 PM on Jun 12:
hmm, I'm on my way to getting engaged!!
The last few years I've been buying things here and there, a small entertainment center with a theater stereo, a futon we can use later, a desk, a sweet coffee table and end tables. Even recently we found plates on sale at Pier 1 for $1.25 apiece so now we don't need a lot of stuff like that.
Guys, is it inappropriate to ask for things you want? Like say, a cool pair of nikes????
14. James said the following at 7:10 PM on Jun 12:
To the crock pot suggestion....AMEN!
Just be sure to ask for a BIG one.
I have a small 3qt one, and I can barely make half-batches of my crockpot recipes (sp?). A 6 qt would be far nicer, IMO, if you have the space for it.
15. Motte said the following at 7:17 PM on Jun 12:
k.: Let's just say that I like organization and flow and cleanliness. And even though I've learned to relax and enjoy life without them (my two young kids have helped with that) I do enjoy it when my home is in order. But I like to think it's because God is a God of order instead of the belief that our relationship with the universe affects our "harmony". =)
16. Jethro said the following at 7:28 PM on Jun 12:
Jcs,
Apparently there is a rule of thumb that the cost of a wedding gift should be roughly equivalent to the cost of the reception. In my case I can tell you that we didn't get gifts costing an average of $130 per person, but I can't say it really matters. All my wife and I wanted was for our wedding guests to enjoy themselves, which by all reports they did.
I think the price of gifts really depends on the circumstances of your guests too. If a guest can only afford to buy you a $10 gift then you can only be happy when they do. On the other hand if you invite someone who is absolutely loaded with money and they buy you a $10 gift, you might have the right to feel a little slighted....
17. P&P said the following at 7:50 PM on Jun 12:
I can't believe that people have the gall to expect a gift to cover the cost of their plate at a reception!!
A gift is supposed to be a selfless act, not an admission fee.
The whole tradition of wedding (and shower) gifts was to help a young couple set up housekeeping, which is why registries consist of towels, sheets, cookware and I really like the idea of a good set of tools. My mom was living at home and my dad was just out of the Air Force when they got married. They didn't have any kind of housewares, so that was what they received as gifts.
I've been on my own for some time and have acqired dishes, a great set of pots and pans, knives, towels and even some tools. As a result, I don't need a gift registry. Sure, I like presents as much as the next person, but I'm not entitled to them.
18. D/\\/E said the following at 7:54 PM on Jun 12:
Like Samuel PG's parents I always buy gifts for the guy. I've also noticed the trend for the registry to have few if anything specifically for the man.
I like to buy something that is not on the registry, that I know they will not buy for them selves. This makes me feel like I am helping a friend and not satisfying etiquette customs.
Besides, nobody will remember who gave them the dishes, but how could anybody forget who gave them brakes for their car? :)
An acquaintance of mine captured what I feel is the essence of a wedding celebration should be focused on in his invitation.
"While Wedding Gifts are greatly appreciated, if there is a financial decision to be made between attending the wedding (and the expenses of travel) versus the expense of a wedding gift, our desire is that you prioritize attendance of the wedding over a wedding gift, no matter what 'proper wedding etiquette' dictates.
We want you to be there as witnesses."
19. DannieA said the following at 8:08 PM on Jun 12:
Registry doesn't have to be a bad idea...most of my friends registered at linens and things or bed, bath and beyond which are pretty normal mid-range priced...on there, they also included that any gift cards (no amount specified) were very genuinely welcome. After all, you can always use those after you make your home together and see what you need....
I guess it's why i've never been put off
20. Lindsey said the following at 8:47 PM on Jun 12:
A friend of mine took a slightly different approach that seemed to work for them -
Honeymoons can be expensive and stressful to pay for, so in hopes to enjoy a stress-free honeymoon and also allow their guests to feel like they were contributing to something worthwhile for the couple themselves they figured out the cost of their honeymoon and gave people the option of paying for a certain aspect of it, such as airfare or hotel or food at a certain restaurant.
That way people could give whatever they were able and it was like a group effort amongst the guests instead of a competition.
21. Leah said the following at 9:07 PM on Jun 12:
V@V- my family owns a toasted sandwhich maker (jaffle maker), and you can take the jaffle plates out and put waffle plates in. We often make our own waffles!!
marci & fridge: I guess I'm at the age where lots of my friends are getting engaged/married, and many of them have asked for cash for engagement/wedding presents rather than actual presents. I don't think it's looked upon as bad etiquette these days- the people of our parents' generation know how much impractical stuff you receive otherwise! Two of my friends in particular were moving 1600km away straight after their honeymoon (well, she was- he already lived there) and presents woudl have been expensive to transport and taken up lots of room. Money was much easier to handle.
P&P: "I can't believe that people have the gall to expect a gift to cover the cost of their plate at a reception!!
A gift is supposed to be a selfless act, not an admission fee."
Totally agree!!
22. Keb said the following at 9:51 PM on Jun 12:
When I get married, I'm thinking I'd like the food to be potluck. So I'll ask people not to bother with gifts, just bring a dish of potato salad and enjoy themselves.
It ought to be about fun, love, and family, not kitchen appliances.
23. Kellie said the following at 10:12 PM on Jun 12:
I'm rather thankful for the idea of a gift registry, both for my own wedding and attending the weddings of others. It was such a huge blessing to have gifts to start our new home with, as we didn't have a whole lot. And with others registries, I don't have to worry if what I'm getting matches their colors or their style.
24. Loris said the following at 11:02 PM on Jun 12:
I rather agree with Keb. My family is rich in antiques (inherited) and education (slaved for), but not cash. Paying for the modest reception I had took up half our wedding budget. Weddings shouldn't have to completely soak the bride's family. A potluck would be much more cost effective and get the couple's church community more involved, which would make them feel like they had more of a stake in rooting for the new marriage.
On another note, I registered for housewares with a wide variety of price tags. That way, every budget could find something I would use later. A friend still in high school gave me my peeler, apple corer, and red oven mitts; a wealthy middle aged friend of my aunt's gave me a crystal cake plate and a knife block. No one felt pressured to my knowledge.
And as always, gift cards are genius, especially if one of the new spouses has to move any distance.
25. Oxanna said the following at 11:26 PM on Jun 12:
I can see where some people might use the bridal registry as an opportunity to get some nice items for the home that are nicer than they could normally afford. I don't see a problem with that. However, this idea that there's a "proper amount" to spend on a wedding gift is hooey. (Sorry!) The important thing is the thought and intent and love of the giver, not the item. $25 is NOT an unreasonable amount for a gift, especially for people who don't have a large income. Plus, who's counting? If the happy couple are the type to open each gift and try to estimate the price, I'm not sure I'd *want* to go to their wedding. I mean, the main reason we're opposed to "cheap" gifts is because 1) cheap often looks cheap; and 2) Cheap-looking = "I didn't take the time, money, or thought to get you a nice gift". I don't advocate that, but I also don't advocate "rules" that are really no more than well-to-do modern American traditions.
BTW, I think it shouldn't be considered crass to ask for money IN LIEU OF a gift. Phrased tastefully, and not in a demanding sort of way, where a guest could choose to give a heartfelt gift or a gift of cash, I even like it.
26. BDB said the following at 11:31 PM on Jun 12:
It does seem to mean a lot more when a couple is young enough that their wedding gifts constitute "setting up housekeeping." I once gave a Pyrex Cassarole dish (and a couple of books) to some friends when they married. Not on their registry.
But several years later when I was visiting them, guess what dinner came out of the oven in? They used that cassarole dish so much - it was reallly worthwhile.
Since my house is already fully equipped, I have no idea what I'd register for. I figured that I'd never buy myself china so I'd have something. Then I inherited a full set...
27. Oxanna said the following at 11:32 PM on Jun 12:
Oh, and um...you *were* kidding about the feng shui thing, right, Motte? Wikipedia's definition: "The goal of feng shui is to situate the human built environment on spots with good qi." Qi, of course, is basically "good energy". I, too, am having a hard time picturing a Boundless editor doing feng shui. :)
28. gina said the following at 12:30 AM on Jun 13:
One thing we did (after registering) was get together with several friends who got married within a few months of each other and did a gift exchange. Since we all got married in a different season, we traded the extra gifts for something we needed ("I'll trade you a blanket and a hand mixer for a crock pot" kind of thing). Of course we kept tabs on the original gift and giver in order to send appropriate thank you notes, but it helped us tremendously to be able to trade for the things we needed and didn't get, and the only people truly aware of it were those of us who participated!
29. Amelia said the following at 1:28 AM on Jun 13:
I'm getting married in a little over two weeks (wow!), and we don't have a gift registry as such - it's a 'gift suggestion list'. It's on a website, which we had to spend A$75 register for (which was probably a little steep, because we could have set one up ourselves - but that would have taken much more time and effort, and probably wouldn't have looked as nice). It's not attached to a particular store, so guests can buy gifts wherever they want. When they've decided what they'd like to give, they can remove that item from the list, in an attempt to avoid dupication of gifts.
We tried our best to emphasise the 'suggestion' aspect, ie. gifts not on the list are ok, and guests aren't required to give gifts if they don't want to. We also came up with the idea of having 'shares' for certain large items. For example, we'd like a TV, so we listed it with the description "We would like 50 lots of $20 to go towards an LCD TV". That way, people can give what ever amount they'd like, from $20 to $1000. Seems to be working ok.
To be honest, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of dictating what people should get us. But I think this system works well, because everyone's anxious to give us things that we actually want and will use, and no-one wants to give the same gift as someone else!
30. Heather B said the following at 7:02 AM on Jun 13:
I like the way you think, Keb. That sort of "potluck catering" by guests could be pulled off quite well if the reception was held in a church meeting hall, would be far more personal than professional catering, and is quite modest and frugal in keeping with a young couple starting out their married lives.
31. cn said the following at 8:54 AM on Jun 13:
some of you seem incredibly shocked at the idea of buying a gift in cost equivalence to the cost of per guest of the reception. this is indeed propper wedding etiquette. etiquette is just that though, etiquette. its a set of cultural rules or traditions and has little to do with truth. As believers, our true standard should be to recieve gifts with thanksgiving and to offer gifts in thoughtful generosity. :)
32. erin mount said the following at 8:59 AM on Jun 13:
Having just experienced a wedding and the receiving of gifts, I have to say that the gifts I have found most puzzling are ones that people bought on their own without using our registries. We registered for mostly practical things that we needed, so I don't understand why we got so many "unpractical" things from people, things that weren't even on our registry. I understand that some people don't want to go by a registry when giving a gift, but why not? If something's on a registry, that means the couple wants it, whereas you're taking a gamble by giving something not on a registry, like that crystal bowl or breakfast tray that the couple will more than likely not want or use. Of course, if the registry only contains items that cost upwards of $75, then I would understand not getting something, but if the prices are reasonable, I say stick to the registry or give cash or a gift card.
33. Christine said the following at 9:00 AM on Jun 13:
When my brother got married about a year and a half ago, he and his wife were stationed overseas. They chose to get married here in the US, but asked people to give cash so that they would not have to try and fly back with gifts. Unfortunatly, many people did not listen and their well-intentioned gifts have been sitting in basements in the US. To me, there are times (such as this) when asking for cash instead is being practical. However, I personally wouldn't ask for cash under most circumstances.
34. Laura_mh said the following at 9:15 AM on Jun 13:
From Marci's post:
"The reason the cheapest item on the gift registry was $75 is because the price of plates of food at receptions has shot through the roof."
So, the guests have to pay out because the bride and groom decided to have an expensive wedding? That's *their* problem, not their guests'! If that is the protocol, then the bride and groom should perhaps survey their potential guests to see how much they plan to spend on a gift - *before* planning the reception! Seems only fair.
Marci also said:
"I do understand that weddings can get pricey - so I will only attend a wedding if I can afford to give an appropriate cash gift or registry gift (this is why I'm only attending three of the four weddings I've been invited to this summer - if only people would space out their weddings!).
So a more lavish wedding with an implied suggestion for the cost of a gift (based on the per-person cost of the reception) would probably scare a lot of people away from attending. And if that's the case, then why plan such a lavish recpetion that people can't afford to attend anyway? I would rather have all of my friends and loved ones attend, regardless of their ability to purchase an expensive gift, than scare them off.
Having said that, my understanding of wedding protocol is that you are obligated, so to speak, to give a gift if you are formally invited, regardless of whether or not you attend. Is this others' understanding as well?
35. v@v said the following at 9:25 AM on Jun 13:
Ok, Ok. Leah, Marci -- I'm really glad you guys enjoy your waffle makers. Point taken. If I were going to any of your showers -- I'd consider getting you one. :-P
36. AMarriedGal said the following at 9:43 AM on Jun 13:
This is just a side note comment about registries...I was married in March and we received over 300 gifts that ranged from hand-crocheted snowflake ornaments to ornate crystal and china and everything in between...and they were all welcomed gifts. I found that rather than making me arrogant about 'deserving' these gifts, I was humbled by people's generosity.
I will say though, that people not using registries was a frustration. Not because I didn't appreciate the gift, but several of our gift duplications could have been avoided by using the registry.
Stores are tightening up their return policies and there are several gifts we received that when we tried to return them, we had difficulty because we did not have a gift receipt and the item was not on our registry.
I occasionally buy non-registry gifts for wedding or baby shower...however, I am always careful to enclose a gift receipt.
37. ejp said the following at 10:33 AM on Jun 13:
When my best friend got married last summer, I bought her and her husband beach chairs, towels, and some other fun vacation-y stuff. She said they were able to use them on the honeymoon and many times since. I didn't spend loads of money (especially since I was a bridesmaid and was putting out for a dress and travel to the location), but I was glad to give them something memorable and useful.
38. C. Aaron Briggs said the following at 10:53 AM on Jun 13:
Hey, thanks for the good advice! I really appreciate it.
39. Moose said the following at 12:12 PM on Jun 13:
"When I get married, I'm thinking I'd like the food to be potluck. So I'll ask people not to bother with gifts, just bring a dish of potato salad and enjoy themselves."
Maybe it's just me, but if you want people to enjoy themselves at your wedding, why would you ask them to worry about cooking something to bring to your wedding as a guest? If you are trying to cut costs, just have dessert or something.
A potluck is a potluck, and a wedding is a wedding. I don't think those two should be combined.
Also, I agree that the gift amount should reflect the giver's financial situation, which doesn't always mean that it should "cover the plate."
40. Christiann said the following at 2:41 PM on Jun 13:
I am 25 and still believe that asking for cash is tacky. If you need money that badly, I don't have to come to the reception. I would still like to see you say your vows though...
I have to agree with Moose about the potluck. My church does them every few months - it wouldn't be special for my wedding day. Also, I have some friends that don't enjoy cooking and some that don't do it at all - ever. They always bring grocery store deli (there's nothing wrong with that) or have sometimes not even come because they would have to bring food. I would rather my guest come and enjoy themselves and relax, not worry about whether the casserole had finished cooking.
Finally, if you are invited to a wedding it is still proper, even if it is not expected, to give a gift whether you are attending or not. I don't agree with paying your own way though. Once again, I would like my wedding guests to enjoy, not worry about whether their present was enough to cover the cost of their dinner.
Alright, I've put in my two cents and then some...
41. Marci said the following at 5:08 PM on Jun 13:
Hey All (Again),
I've responded the general shock about the 'cover your plate' convention on Candice's thread about the real rules of wedding registries...
Blessings to All!
42. Bing said the following at 10:29 PM on Jun 13:
I've solved the "what to buy" problem for both weddings and new babies by always getting the same thing: fire extinguishers/smoke alarms for newlyweds and cabinet locks/outlet covers for new parents. I tell them all that I'm more interested in their safety than in the latest gadget. Throw in a box of disposable shop rags (for when you spill something or the baby makes a mess and can't bear to use the new expensive "registry" towels) and your gift becomes the most practical and appreciated.
43. Bethany said the following at 10:53 AM on Jun 14:
"Gifts are gifts, freely given to recognize the occasion. Turning it into a financial exchange, to me at least, seems a little crass. Sometimes people have severe financial constraints, but would still like to contribute *something* to your wedding. Besides, you can hardly go up to the prospective bride and say, "So, how much are you forking over per head? And are you serving a sit-down meal, or just cake and punch? Because if you're not giving me herb-encrusted salmon, you're getting a $10 doily as your gift."
k - I totally agree! I cannot stand when people believe this is etiquette! The reception is freely and graciously put on by the bride & groom, and the gifts are freely and graciously given. Anything else is a shame.
44. Mike Theemling said the following at 12:57 PM on Jun 14:
My thoughts on gift registries and gifts at weddings in general:
- I've noticed that often, not always, gifts in a gift registry are things that people don't really need, and even wonder at times if couples will actually use them (Body fat measuring devices, obscure kitchen utensils to name a few). Problem is the items most couples REALLY need are too expensive for one person (like new furniture) or just not sentimental enough (moving expensives aren't cheap).
- Cash may seem "tacky" but in some cultures, it's perfectly acceptable and even expected. And regarding the practical aspects of it like Christine said, I once attended a wedding where the bride/groom were in the same situation of being stationed overseas and having limited storage space. They were unashamed to ask for cash and I gladly gave.
- One alternative which I've thought about is to ask for cash to be given but have a list of charities the couple want to give to. It eliminates the space problem, is something that will be used, and the couple gets the tax write-off.
- Finally, I remember reading a humorous article about "Worst Wedding Gifts Received" and the list of submissions included:
-- A gift card that was empty
-- A book entitled "How to Control Your _____ "
-- A tacky item from a dollar store with the price still on it
-- An IOU
45. Christine said the following at 3:02 PM on Jun 14:
I don't understand why I should be obligated to send a gift simply because I was sent an invitation. A gift should be given because the giver WANTS to give it - not because he or she feels that it must be done.
I like to give gifts, but it galls me when I feel I'm expected to give one - I'd rather give it because I want to and not because someone else says that I have to do so.
46. Eliz said the following at 9:05 PM on Jun 14:
I'm totally in shock reading some of these posts. I can't believe someone would actually consider the costs of gifts vs what they paid per head for catering. Don't have an expensive wedding if you can't afford it. You didn't have to show off to your family and friends by serving 5 courses.
What about the costs most people put into driving to the wedding, hotel, clothes, etc. My sister didn't even register for her wedding and she still received lovely gifts. She also kept the whole thing around 5k and every told our family later how much they enjoyed it and how beautiful it was.
I went to a wedding last year where everything on the registry started at $100. I gave them a $50 kitchen item and split the cost with my sister. I could not afford a $200 china gravy boat plus a hotel room, gas, eating on the road, and valet parking at the wedding.
We have become such a society of I deserve this and I deserve that. Even if a rich person give $20 for a wedding present that is their choice - they didn't have to give you anything. Guests should give wedding gifts that they can afford and not feel obligated to give just because they were invited.
47. Heather said the following at 4:34 PM on Jun 15:
I'm stunned by the comments to this article/post. Gifts given to mark the occasion of a wedding are just that. The gifts should be given out of a desire to help the new family establish a household and never out of obligation. Therefore, asking for Nikes is most definitely beyond the scope of appropriate.
An invitation to a wedding is not an implicit or explicit request for a gift. Etiquette does not require acknowledging said invite with a gift, just a (greeting, not gift) card wishing the newlyweds well.
And it is never appropriate to ask for cash!! If you can't afford your honeymoon, go someplace else. Just because people do request cash more and more often doesn't make it right. (David and many of his contemporaries had many wives...that wasn't okay either!) Weddings are not appropriate places for gifts, that's why registry information is NEVER to be properly included in the wedding invite. A wedding shower is the place for gift giving and receiving.
Weddings are not about the stuff. If I get married and people are gracious enough to give me something to mark that occasion, then that's wonderful. A wedding ceremony and the reception that follow are opportunities for my husband and me to have family and friends surround us on the most important day of our lives. It's horrifying to think that gifts should help me to "break even" after my wedding and reception. The wedding and reception are no different than any other party one might host. As a hostess, guests don't have to do anything but enjoy themselves.
48. FYI said the following at 5:42 PM on Jun 15:
Just to give everyone a heads up--most stores will give the bride and and groom anywhere from 10-20% off anything that was not purchased from their registry for up to a year (or six months?) after the wedding. Maybe its just because we are "cheap" but my fiance and I registered for a few pricier things that we would never expect to receive as a gift just so we would get the discount after the wedding.
49. Angie said the following at 8:49 PM on Jun 25:
I am in a predicament and would love some suggestions . . .
My fiance and I are getting married in December. I have been living on my own for quite a few years, and I have virtually every kitchen necessity that I can imagine. He is set on somehow communicating to everyone for the shower and wedding that we appreciate monetary donations only. I know that may sound horrible to some of you, but we do not need any additional clutter for our home!
We are not asking for money to pay for anything or suggesting that anyone has to give large amounts or anything at all in fact! We both believe that a thoughtful card and a small monetary donation is sufficient. I am more concerned with seeing our friends and family enjoy themselves on our special day than I am with the toaster that they had to lug in from their car! Personally, I would love to be spared the trip to my local Target to look for the perfect gift!
How can I communicate this? I know most of you think that this is tacky, but there has to be a way to get the point across without offending our friends and family.