When "I Do" is an "I Don't"

What do you do when you don't like your friend's spouse? In "Friendly Friction," Christianity Today presents the perspectives of six singles. The primary thing to consider when you dislike your friend's chosen (or intended) is what action (if any) is God asking you to take? Must you love unconditionally? Forgive? Humble yourself? If your friend seems to be dating a bad seed, maybe you need to ask some hard questions. Or perhaps you need to release personal preferences and trust God to work out your friend's situation.

I was particularly impacted by Jeanette's testimony. She writes:

My sister's always been my best friend. Despite my best efforts (although I have to admit my "best efforts" weren't that impressive), I couldn't find any redeeming qualities in the man she chose to marry. I thought he was an arrogant little hobbit, and I didn't exactly roll out the red carpet to welcome him to the family. Unfortunately, by failing to love him flaws and all (which is how Christ loves us), I ended up building a wall between my sister and me.

Now that the seven-year itch has hit their marriage, my sister is reluctant to come to me for support. My earlier complaints about her husband prevent her from leaning on me during her time of need. The Bible is clear that Christians should support marriages. I fear my words, even those spoken in secret, have in some ways separated what God joined together in my sister's marriage.

I think we would agree that the worst thing we could do would be to render ourselves spiritually useless in our friends' lives. But where's the line? Obviously we are called to offer biblical advice as our friends navigate relationships and marriage. At the same time, our love, support and prayers can be crucial to our friends as they seek to discern the Lord's will.

I remember confronting a good friend of mine after she became engaged months after she had broken off a relationship with another man. I didn't have qualms about her chosen, but I was concerned that she was entering a rebound relationship. I asked her some specific questions. Her answers left me satisfied that she was indeed following the Lord, not her emotions, in her decision to wed.

Don't be afraid to ask hard questions, but don't forget to exercise humility, grace and love as you tread relationship territory with friends. Refrain from hasty judgments or words you may later regret.

Comments

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1. Mike Theemling said the following at 10:45 PM on May 19:

Good article, but I would've appreciated it if they gathered stories of both men and women; not just women.

I don't believe it was an intentional male-bashing session, and to be sure just because someone doesn't like a friend's spouse doesn't mean he or she isn't a good person.

Still, words like "I couldn't find any redeeming qualities", "(he) hurt my feelings", etc. does leave a negative impression. I'm just glad one lady pointed out that he did have positive qualities when relating to his wife.

Getting back to Suzanne's question though, ultimately I believe it is up to the friend to make the final decision of whom they date/marry and as a friend one needs to be as supportive as possible. If it's too much of a strain on the friendship, then as unfortunate as it might be, it is better to not be a wedge in the marriage and take a step back. But I do agree that prayer and honest, loving communication are important and especially necessary if there are misgivings. A good friend will at least listen to what one has to say.

2. Amy Jane said the following at 12:50 AM on May 20:

I and my best h.s. friend's husband did. not. get along, which was a bit sad since he was a good friend of my husband's.

I griped to my friend about him and his (real but) not-necessarily sinful faults and got that same wall-thing going until I made myself stop and actually apologise to her for being so critical.

She thanked me.

About five years later, now, we actually attend the same church and I complemented him recently on how much he's matured. He returned the complement, and I observed we both needed to quite a bit.

3. Leah said the following at 6:57 AM on May 20:

What were your specific questions?

4. Marci said the following at 8:52 AM on May 20:

Hey All!

This article was really interesting. My best friend is dating a guy who is not a christian, has cheated on her and now has a child with another woman, and has been emotionally and physically abusive at times. She is really letting him "wheedle his way back into her life" when she should be firm and break all ties, even though it was a 5 year relationship.

I have decided that if she still chooses to marry this guy, I will NOT be her maid of honor, nor will I give any speeches at the wedding. As a Christian who can *honestly* find nothing good in this guy (he's a bad apple in the worst kind of way) I refuse to lie on her wedding day and tell everyone how happy I am for her, how they're meant for each other, and a whole bunch of other dishonest stuff.

I agree that one has to measure his or her words - but on the flip side of the coin, I've seen a couple relationships where the close friends of the girl refrained from voicing concerns ...concerns that might have prevented the friend from making a bad decision and ultimately, marrying a Jerk. In my case, my friend knows that as a Christian woman, she should never have started a relationship with this man - her best chance of escaping him is if I stand firm in a loving way and refuse to 'go through the motions' of congratulating her should she marry this guy. I *know* it will be a disaster if she marries him, and since she'll come running to me after the bad times hit, if I can save myself this by standing firm, I think it's better to bear my personal discomfort with doing so immediately, not later.

Responses welcome!

Blessings to all!

5. BDB said the following at 4:41 PM on May 20:

Marci,

You may be in a no-win situation. You may lose the friendship no matter what you do.

Depending on how your friend responds to conflict, she may sever your friendship if you say negative things.

However, if you say nothing, and your concerns prove to be well-founded, the situation could just blow up later. And then your friend could be hit with the enormity of the mistake, and exclaim, "How come none of my friends ever said anything?" And then sever the friendship.

I've seen both happen. I've spoken up a couple of times, and lost the friendships. But I felt better. (Eventually.)

You may want to take all of your concerns and figure out how to phrase them as a question. For example, if he already has a child with another woman, what has he done to demonstrate his commitment to that child? How is he stepping up to the plate? What promises did he make to the mother of that child? How will that obligate him over the next 18 years? Or are his promises in conflict with his legal responsibilities? (E.G. is he saying the mother doesn't want anything, glossing over the legal reality that he's now legally responsible for that child's support - and if the mother ever goes on welfare, the government will come after him for back child support?)

Be sure to have the conversation in person. It's more difficult, but it's the right way to do it, and at least she'll recognize your sincerity. And if you hit the point where she demands you stop, you can stop more easily than if you send a letter or try to do it over the phone.

6. Anon said the following at 12:28 AM on May 21:

Best friends/sisters/cousins etc really are an important person/people in our lives, and entering into a relationship does change some of the dynamics of our other relationships. For example, my best friend and I are really close and would often just spontaneously go to a movie or climb a mountain - whatever we thought of at the time. Now that I'm in a serious relationship (with a godly young man from my home church), the dynamics of our friendship have changed, and it's been a learning curve for both of us! While I need her to be supportive and encouraging and accepting of the changes, I've also needed to be sensitive to her anxieties and frustrations (that she'll 'lose' me to him, we won't be as close as we used to). While change is happening - and yes, I want that change - she's still my best friend and I'm committed to working and walking with her into a new season of life. Well done to all those out there who have been in either position and made it through!!!

7. Loris said the following at 6:50 AM on May 21:

I lost some friends over my husband. Most of them I've tempted back into my camp now that they see what a success we're making of our marriage, but they had huge reservations about our engagement because I was a rebound for him. One still refuses to talk to me. What hurts me is that they worried in private and shunned me in public. There wasn't any communication. They did not come to me with their concerns nor did they attempt to find out why I liked him. If only they had talked to me, they would have found out what a good team we are and been reassured by the fact that my discerning parents adore the ground he walks on-always have. So please, attempt to find out what your friend likes in their inappropriate love before you condemn it. Obviously, if the person you dislike isn't a Christian, you have huge grounds for concern and should speak up. Otherwise, talk seriously with your friend, but please don't dump them without hearing their side of the story and telling them clearly your reservations.

8. Suzanne said the following at 8:48 AM on May 21:

The situation Marci mentioned is exactly the type I was referring to when I talked about asking hard questions. In a situation where a Christian friend is considering marrying an unbeliever (or someone with potentially devastating issues, such as drug abuse), it is our duty to confront them and challenge them to exercise wisdom.

Leah, I asked her why she wanted to marry this man...and why on this time frame. They had known each other as friends for almost two years, so she was able to give me deep, specific answers based on his character and how he encouraged her spiritually. I questioned her about the previous guy: if she really felt released from him and if her engagement was in any way to spite him or try to evoke a reaction. When she told me about what God had been doing in her heart, I was satisfied that her decision was not based (primarily) on rebound emotions. She's been married for two years and she and her husband just welcomed their first child. It's easy to see the wisdom in God's plan and they way He brought them together.

9. Becky F. said the following at 10:50 AM on May 21:

I think it is important to express concerns to our friends/relatives when they are in a dating relationship and not yet married. If we think we're seeing "red flags" in their relationships it's a good thing to make sure that they are considering those issues that we have seen.

However, once a friend/relative is married we need to support them and offer them encouraging words on staying together, whether we personally like their spouse or not. As Christians we believe in marriage, and if we're complaining about somebody's spouse we're stepping into dangerous ground, especially if it's based on our personal preferences.

10. Sam said the following at 12:57 PM on May 21:

I definitely think it's ok to voice concerns, but that would entirely depend upon your relationship with that friend/family member. You cannot speak into the life of every person you know just because you know them. That's called busy-bodiness. If it's your best friend, someone who confides in you, or a sister or brother, have at it! But I get very frustrated with acquaintances or co-workers speak into my life without knowing the entire situation. You have to be very careful with that.

11. Kelly said the following at 1:37 PM on May 21:

BDB -

You're ignoring the fact that Marci's friend is dating a non-Christian and has abused her - both physically and verbally. Let's put the fact that he is a non-Christian aside. Why should this marriage/relationship be approved if abuse has taken place?

Marci, your friend is blinded by her emotions and she honestly needs to seek counseling. I recommend you suggest this to her. Also, please talk to her about her self-esteem. Every woman should know that she is worth more than being with that kind of guy. This is not a generality for all guys but for this specific guy. I think the situation is above just having concerns and reflects obvious facts that would be detrimental if a marriage took place.

12. Sister said the following at 3:08 PM on May 21:

My sister is currently married to someone who I didn't think was a good match for her. We'd been best friends since I was born, but have since grown apart.

I voiced concerns when she asked me as they began to date. She chose to continue dating. I voiced concerns and asked questions again. I told her that I would always love her. She knew how I felt, and they decided to get married anyway.

I continued to stay in touch with her, visiting her during her work breaks, writing emails, and calling her. Sometimes I'd hear back, most of the time I wouldn't.

At one point, she asked to figure out who was wrong and who was right. I chose not to argue with her, because that is not what I believe she needs (it's not an issue of wrong or right at this point, and it's not between me and her, it's between God and her).

Since then, she's continued to close me off. I email her weekly, but I have not gotten a response for several months. All I know to do is to keep emailing her, keep letting her know I love her, and keep inviting her to share what is going on with me. I pray for her and her husband every time I think of it.

I pray she'll be my friend once again soon. I'm realizing that people choose things. I haven't been perfect in this whole situation. I know that. I don't regret sharing my thoughts with her, because I think it would have been worse if I had held it back. We've always been honest and open with each other.

I think this is one of those situations where I've got to wait and pray and keep in touch with her from my side.

13. BDB said the following at 3:25 PM on May 21:

Kelly wrote:

>>You're ignoring the fact that Marci's friend is dating a non-Christian and has abused her - both physically and verbally.<<

Hmmm...not intentionally ignored. If you're going to do a domestic violence intervention, you should get some professional backup-law enforcement, victim's advoacte, probably a pastor also.

14. Marci said the following at 6:30 PM on May 21:

Kelly,

I have tried to suggest counseling, and at one point she seemed close to considering it. But she considered this option only until she started getting close to him again - now she's not interested in counseling. I think it could be the comfort and investment factors - she's been with 5 years, so she's adapted to the abusive situation, and she's thinking "man, if I leave him now, there goes 5 years of turmoil down the drain!" I get the sense she's praying for a romantic ending to this whole thing ...after all, having a 'rough start' and a 'glorious finish' is really pushed in our media today. I really think she struggles with the delusion that this will all remedy itself and she'll have a romantic story of 'love and selflessness' to show for putting up with this guy.

I feel so sad right now. I've tried so hard to be there for her and talk her through all this, but I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle. I've been really praying God will intervene - before its too late. If she marries him, I'll be there for her and be her friend regardless, but it'll be even worse because of the effect this guy would have on not only her, but any children that result from their marriage....

I'm praying!

Blessings to All

15. Liz said the following at 6:37 PM on May 21:

I had a friend who I thought was hastily entering into a marriage. She was pregnant to this man, but they'd had a history of an explosive relationship, involving the police on at least one occasion. I didn't tell her that I didn't like her choice in partner or that I thought she was doing the wrong thing. I simply asked her questions that would hopefully get her thinking about those issues herself.

They have been married almost four years now and I will gratefully say that I was wrong. I had my concerns in their first year, but for a long time now, it has been apparent that marriage has been the best thing for them both. But, since I did not harm our relationship in the first place, there were never hurt feelings over it. Expressing concern can be done in a delicate way, but once married, our position must be to preserve and support the marriage - unless abuse is apparent.

16. Kellie said the following at 7:26 PM on May 21:

My husband was on the receiving end of a friend who felt that we should not get married. While we did take into consideration what he said, we also took into account that everyone except this person (other friends, family, pastor) was joyful in regards to our upcoming marriage and that we felt this person had not spent enough time with us to really have made a valid assessment of our relationship. We haven't heard from this person since (his choice). If you feel the need to speak up, make sure you have all the facts, and even if you do, realize you're probably going to ruin the friendship.

17. BDB said the following at 9:51 PM on May 21:

Liz wrote:

>>I simply asked her questions that would hopefully get her thinking about those issues herself.<<

Yes, this is what I was trying to get at. Sometimes a well-phrased question can get the moose out on the table where the couple can discuss it honestly.

In regards to the child situation, I was actually thinking of a couple I know. When he started dating his wife, she insisted that he "do the right thing" about child support for a child he already had. He voluntarily took responsibility, filed all the paperwork with the court, etc. The result, 20+ years later, is a very strong marriage. The other child always lived with his mom, but they included him with their family for a lot of holidays, vacations, etc. Sometimes people will surprise you and do the right thing if you put the option on the table for them.

18. Andrew (tlw) said the following at 1:02 AM on May 22:

Having seen a number of marriages amongst Christians fall apart, I would definitely support the raising of valid concerns. Sadly, too often I have seen Christian beliefs used as an excuse for taking responsibility, such as undertaking thorough pre-marital counselling. “God will look after us,” “Everybody has their faults,” or perhaps “Our faith will carry us through” are statements I’ve heard all too often, and usually, not responded to with much vigour because these people are DETERMINED to marry.

Sometimes, it just seems as though people are determined to get married, regardless of any possible problems.

Whilst faith is commendable, the effects of clashing personality types, immaturity, selfishness, family-imbued dysfunction and plain old ignorance are all fairly predictable.

If you are close enough and have the right opportunity, you may be able to ask questions of a close relative/friend, but there are lots of marriages where all you can do beforehand is watch, hope and pray that time proves you wrong.

19. Richard said the following at 7:06 PM on May 22:

This is certainly an difficult topic. I'm in a situation where my sister is dating a guy who is not only a non-Christian, there are other things about him that raise red flags. What makes things so complicated is that while my sister and I were raised in the church, my parents don't show evidence of having a daily relationship with Christ. At this point in her life, my sister is about where my parents are. She says she's a Christian and believes in God, but something's missing. She's convinced herself that the guy she's dating is "searching," but fact is, he's simply not a Christian. She's not strong enough in her own faith to realize what a mistake she's making by spending so much of her time and sharing so much of her heart with this guy.

My parents don't approve of the relationship either, but mostly for reasons other than the fact that he's not a Christian. I don't know what my relationship with my sister should look like- I want to be there for her, but it's hard when the topic of her boyfriend comes up or when he's around. I don't want to shut down communication by being overly-critical (which is what my parents have done), but I also don't want to be too welcoming and create the idea that just everything's fine. Any suggestions?

20. Jessica said the following at 1:19 PM on May 24:

Richard-
In my opinion, prayer would definitely the best option. God can do things in this situation that all the talking in the world couldn't bring about. If God leads you to talk to her about this, then you could proceed from there. If she already knows how you feel, then the really important thing now is just for you to be there for her. She probably needs you more than she realizes.
If your sister's boyfriend really is "searching", maybe by befriending him, you might help him find Christ. Then whether he's with your sister or not, everybody wins.