The Importance of Play
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 05/31/2007 at 5:04 PM
Can a relationship be too intentional? In "Navigating The Early Stages of a Relationship," Scott Croft seems to say so. This occurs when the deliberate nature of the relationship breeds too much intimacy too soon. Obviously, there needs to be some intentionality from the start. Croft writes:
Guys, tell her why you have initiated or are initiating with her, tell her that you intend to pursue the relationship to determine if marriage to her is the right choice before God.
But once that is established, the tendency can be to rush.
Most of the relationships I've experienced have been intentional. I'm thankful for this, because it means that the men who have pursued me have had no interest in messing with my heart. At the same time, a relationship can become unbalanced when every time together is viewed as an opportunity to move the relationship forward.
Croft points out the benefits of both group interaction and activity-based togetherness:
If you do spend time alone, spend it in activities, read a book together, be in public places, etc. In these early stages, people should not be spending long hours looking into each others eyes over candle-lit tables or being alone together at one another's apartments. To do so courts temptation (so to speak) and implies a level of commitment that's simply not there yet.
At various times, I have recognized the importance of "play time" in a relationship. Just playing a game of tennis together or hijacking a couple of swings at the park can be a precious time. Play promotes natural conversation, allows you to see the other person's personality and builds camaraderie. Plus, it allows affection to grow while intimacy is held at bay. Every conversation need not be a DTR (defining the relationship). Enjoy the early phase of a relationship, and don't be afraid to play.
1. Mike Theemling said the following at 5:09 PM on May 31:
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Might I suggest a different word other than "play" when talking about behavior in relationships. That word just brings up too many leading (and inaccurate) connotations.
Perhaps "down time", "casual time", or something like that.
2. BDB said the following at 5:13 PM on May 31:
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My guess is that I'm the only person in the world who sees things this way, but here goes anyway.
If you look at most budget-planning guidance, including pre-marriage planning curriculum, the benchmark is usually around 5% of income for entertainment. Most of the people I know who stay married operate like this.
In contrast, most of the single people I know believe, and act like, a "relationship" should be 100% entertainment.
And this is where I see a lot of break-ups happen: trying to move from 100% to 5%. Sometimes is where one party decides it's not "fun" anymore and calls things off. Well, it seems to me that if your feelings require 100% of the relationship to be entertainment-driven, you're pretty much guaranteed to reach a place where your "feelings change." Sometimes life requires work, which often doesn't feel as good as play.
Maybe I'm crazy, I dunno...
3. CRJ said the following at 6:02 PM on May 31:
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I would just like to say THANKYOU for posting this blog. I am a 21 year old female and I've only recently started my first relationship. I am a committed Christian and I am seeking the Lord in all things - including marriage, sex, dating etc. Some of the articles on Boundless - while helpful to certain specific situations, have actually caused me to fear growing into love with someone. It seems like there's so many rules - like there should be so much structure that I feel pressured to know everything about myself, everything about the other person, and everything about our relationship right now. There needs to be room to play - to simply enjoy one another's presence and see where the Lord leads.
4. Samuel PG said the following at 7:19 PM on May 31:
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I think that this is a great reminder. I don't mean to spark a whole debate over the importance of first-date clearly communicated intentionality, but out of the relationships that I have seen among young adults the most likely to end in marriage are those in which both parties simply began dating with a clear liking for one another. None of them laid out early on that the point of the relationship was to move toward marriage but they almost all involved people who already liked the idea of marriage and looked forward to it. Many of these people ended up with engagements within a year or two of meeting one another even though they never explicitly discussed the intention of marriage in the beginning. Perhaps too much intentionality can breed an attitude of pursuing a relationship and not of pursuing the beloved.
5. San Soo said the following at 7:29 PM on May 31:
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Suzanne-
I must say that your blog is one of the most eye-opening blogs I have read. I think I have been way too intense in my life for quite a while, and not just with dating. I don't know if others are as touched as I am, but God used you to teach me something.
Thank you for such a good blog. God bless you.
6. James said the following at 9:47 PM on May 31:
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Thanks for the advice! I look forward to when I'll actually be able to USE it (problem isn't me finding a girl..but her being attracted to me as well...oh well...*shrug*).
7. kman said the following at 7:15 AM on Jun 1:
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I'd also add: Keep playing through all phases of the relationship, especially when you get married!
8. Aranel Alasse said the following at 9:18 AM on Jun 1:
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Mr. Croft's article blew me away! :) I had always thought that when people said to be "intentional" in a relationship, that it meant that you're supposed to constantly work toward being more and more committed to one another. But Scott's article makes it sound like you're supposed to intentionally not be so committed, at first! Wow.
I think I have a lot to learn, in that area. I've never dated before, but I'm so glad I've heard this point before ever doing so, because I can see myself as one of those people who strive for "deepness" right away. And now I know that it's ok not to do that. (And, in fact, that you shouldn't strive for immediate deepness and understanding.)
Besides, you only get married once. So why not enjoy the time of getting to know one another--of "building the momentum", as Scott said--slowly? (After all, if you do marry, you've got the rest of your lives to get to know one another.) Then you'll be able to look back on it and cherish the memory of that time, instead of cringing at how anxious you felt, at the time, to know everything about the other person, and to have everything about you known to them.
Scott and Suzanne, Thanks for bringing this topic up! I need to keep pondering it.
9. Suzanne said the following at 1:01 PM on Jun 1:
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Mike,
I absolutely meant play as opposed to "casual time." In case there is confusion:
play –noun
exercise or activity for amusement or recreation
10. Elena said the following at 4:16 PM on Jun 1:
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BDB: I think perhaps the key is being willing to do as Mary Poppins sings:
In ev'ry job that must be done
there is an element of fun—
You find the fun and snap!
The job's a game.
And ev'ry task you undertake
becomes a piece of cake,
A lark! A spree! It's very clear to see that
a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
Some of the ingredients of living this way are joyfulness in the Lord, a good sense of humor, and a desire to delight the other person and for the other person to enjoy life as well as you do.
Having fun can be as cheap as an impromptu soap suds fight over the sink of dishes...or while washing a car. Or catching lightning bugs together. Or blowing bubbles. Doesn't have to require spending money. :o)
11. Tabitha said the following at 9:53 PM on Jun 1:
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Thank you, Suzanne, for this post. It's had me thinking since I read it the first time. I guess I'm a little confused because I feel like when there is intention, it's pretty much always present. I mean, here I am right now, a single woman, who would very much like to be married sometime soon. If a man approaches me and intentionally initiates, I would like it to move along at a decent rate.
Maybe this is just something I struggle with, but I think it's tough to let the intentionality go when it's just you and your dating partner. I mean, if I'm around a guy I like (whether he's initiated or not), whether I'm in a group of others or not, I'm probably going to be watching him, seeing if he exhibits Godly characteristics and so forth. Asking questions to find those things out too. And so forth.
Is this "too intentional"? What does it look like to simply play? Does it have to be planned, can it be spontaneous, or is it a mix? And what principles ought we apply to simply friends of the opposite sex? Should it be all play and no intention?
12. BDB said the following at 1:50 PM on Jun 2:
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Elena wrote:
>>Or catching lightning bugs together. <<
Lightning bugs...lightning bugs...what is the Southern California equivalent? Let's see...we have lizards! And ants. Lots of ants. Just leave a cookie out on the sidewalk overnight...
13. Elena said the following at 8:49 PM on Jun 2:
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BDB: Do they prefer chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, or peanut butter? ;o)
14. BDB said the following at 11:31 PM on Jun 2:
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Elena wrote:
>>Do they prefer chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, or peanut butter? ;o)<<
It seems to depend on what species of ant you're dealing with. Fire ants prefer chocolate chip, Argentine ants the oatmeal raisin, and the odorous house ants go for the PB first.
However the cookie crumbles...
15. Leah said the following at 1:16 AM on Jun 3:
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Mike- I think there is something wrong when people can't use 'play' in a context like this.
I completely agree with the idea of needing play in a relationship. A relationship where you view all your 'dates' or 'time together' as intentional (even if not 'serious'), move-on-forward opportunities is terribly unbalanced and you will NEVER get to know your partner properly.
Give them the opportunity to display the (hopefully large) side of them that thrived on things from "The Dangerous Book for Boys"!! (And the female equivalent :P)
My boyfriend and I experienced a time of a few months when we had too many 'D&M's (Deep & Meaningfuls), especially late at night, and we argued too much, were too focused on 'the relationship', and had basically forgotten what it meant to simply enjoy each other and each other's company. Thank God we got past that.
Samuel PG- I kind of agree with you, kind of disagree. I think a conversation, somewhere early is necessary. My boyfriend and I, when he first asked me out, asked a few questions just to figure out where I stood with the whole idea of a dating relationship to figure out if we had the same thing in mind. We both agreed that ultimately, a dating relationship should lead to marriage hopefully, but for now, let's take it slowly and see where things go.
Note, I am not saying everyone needs to discuss it straight up. But I do think it needs to be discussed early, or else you may find one person thinking they want this relationship to head towards marriage with another person not expecting to get married until x y z happens.
16. Emily said the following at 7:41 PM on Jun 3:
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Scott's article was very convicting to me because I am impatient. I have never dated anyone, but whenever I am interested in someone I always try to jump straight to the deep and meaningful conversations with him. It's not that I'm anxious for something to happen right away...I'm just anxious to know something WILL happen eventually. Honestly, I don't trust God for my future so I'm trying to move it along on my own. Realizing this makes me feel horribly stuck. I don't know how to get out of this habit. I need God to lavish me with His enabling grace because I am utterly powerless even to reach out and grasp it on my own.