Surrender and the Desire to Wed
by Suzanne Hadley on 05/11/2007 at 9:44 PM
Last night I was looking through an old journal from 2004. As I read some of the entries, I realized how many myths I was believing about my singleness in that season. One in particular, was the idea that if I somehow made God happy enough, He would give me a husband.
Camerin Courtney addresses this myth in her article "Singles in the Hands of a Manipulative God?" Speaking of a prominent Christian speaker who encourages women to surrender their desire to wed, Camerin writes:
I'm not sure she said so in so many words, but there was the implication that God needed to know he had her whole heart before he was willing to let her "share" it with a man. As I read her account, I somehow felt like a lesser Christian for still wanting to get married. I've read this kind of advice in several singles books over the years — always given by now-married individuals who once gave up the desire for their current marital status. And this "theology" of singleness has rubbed me the wrong way. I've always thought it painted God in a manipulative light — intentionally not giving us something when we want it, and then thrusting it upon us once we don't. Like a crafty parent using reverse psychology on his children.
This view is troubling. And as Camerin points out, it does not at all seem consistent with the God of Scripture, who is responsive to our desires.
I think of the story in Matthew 20:29-34, when Jesus was leaving Jericho and came across two blind men on the roadside, shouting, "Lord, son of David, have mercy on us!" Though the crowd rebuked them, Jesus called, "What do you want me to do for you?"
"Lord," they answered, "we want our sight."
Jesus didn't stop and ask them if they'd given up their desire for sight, if their whole heart was fully focused on him, if they'd made peace with their blindness. No, he "had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him" (v. 34).
Unmet desires remind us that God is our source of help and provision. Hannah is another example; she prayed to God in agony over her unmet desire — to have a child. God responds by granting her request, not chastening her. Squelching a godly desire has the potential to make us less dependent on God, not more. Instead, respect the desires God has given you and continue to ask Him for good gifts.
1. Brooke said the following at 9:58 PM on May 11
I've never quite understood how being content being single would lead to a person being married...because if you're content then you're not going to be looking or make your self available. But there are many Christian relationship books that say otherwise...
2. xeres said the following at 10:32 PM on May 11
After reading this and the article link, I think we come to accept the fact that contentment equates forcing yourself to stop desiring good things or extingiush it all together just to get contentment. While I don't agree with all of the points Camerin Courtney made, that does seem to be the case. Most of us are not patience at all regarding of learning what it really means to be content.
3. KathleenM12 said the following at 12:58 AM on May 12
I'm not quite sure how Hadley reads "surrender the desire to God" to mean God will magically remove every desire we have. To me, it simply means that we are to turn our desires, dreams, wishes, wants over to God in the knowledge that he has ultimate control.
Nevertheless, even if her interpretation is correct, she swings the pendulum too far in the opposite direction -- making God out to be some Cosmic Genie who exists simply to grant wishes, a Supernatural Sugar Daddy who doles out favors as soon as the whim hits us. Her claim that "God is responsive to our desires" is simply unsupported by either Scripture or experience. The mere existence of a human desire -- for fame, wealth, a new job, the loss of 20 lbs, a kitchen remodel -- has never been an automatic guarantee of provision. In fact, Scripture tells us the exact opposite ...and I'm fairly certain that if the desire were anything other than marriage, Hadley wouldn't be making such an extravagant and unsupported claim.
4. Ted Slater said the following at 7:39 AM on May 12
Kathleen12 wrote, "Her claim that 'God is responsive to our desires' is simply unsupported by either Scripture or experience."
It saddens me, Kathleen12, that you would consider God aloof and uncaring, and perhaps impotent. I, for one, have found God to be loving and responsive to my prayers. Sometimes He says "wait" or "no," but sometimes He says "yes." In any case, he is indeed responsive.
5. Nicole said the following at 8:52 AM on May 12
I think that the notion expressed by some that if one is content in singleness that he/she will not be open to marriage is too simplistic and perhaps a trick of the enemy as it causes us to rationalize good in being discontent.
Our content with our present life circumstances does not mean that we are or should be void of desiring to alter them in some way. I think contentment for the Christian means that we see and trust God's hand on our lives and His purpose for us at our present state.
However, to have such contentment requires a different life focus. Rather than focus solely on what I desire to do and to have, I must first be focused on doing all things in this place of my life to His glory. I cannot imagine being discontent at any point of my life if I am doing all things, even the seemingly mundane, to the glory of God. Such reflects the ultimate obedience to God where all that I do is for His glory and the building up of His Kingdom. When we reach that place, I think we become all that God desires from His children. We do not waste today yearning/desiring for the future. Rather, we become like Paul who was obedient and continued to do the work God had for him elsewhere while desiring whole heartedly to go to Rome. His desires did not become idols or alter how he perceived his current state. Instead, he was obedient, content, and humbled by what Christ had done through him.
I think it is dangerous for Christians, especially those of us who are single, to have warped views of being content while having unfulfilled desires. Know that contentment does not cancel out having desires. It is how we live and where our focus is that matters. Thanks for letting me share with you all! God bless!
6. Chrysti said the following at 9:50 AM on May 12
I've always been led astray by the "I won't be able to get married until I've fully devoted my heart to God" myth too. I know God knows my heart, and that he will bring marriage into my life in his own perfect timing. While I don't believe that as singles we don't have to give up the desire to be married in order to glorify God, I do believe that if we leave that desire in God's hands then He will do with it according to His will for us in that area of our lives.
7. Megan said the following at 10:39 AM on May 12
Miss Courtney makes a good point. I think I would disagree with xeres about the "Cosmic Sugar Daddy" and Kathleen M with the "God is not responsive" interpretation.
Jesus said:
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?
"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Matt 7:7-11 (NIV)
Does this mean God grants every silly thing we ask for? I don't think so. Jesus says here God wants to give us "good gifts". He wants us to rely on him to take care of us and to ask him for the things we desire.
Jesus knew what he was doing referring to God as our "Father". It's way easier to recognize how God works when I think of him that way. When you have kids, they ask for things all the time. Sometimes silly and harmful things, sometimes good things you want to give them. You tend to weed out the silly things, grant some good things when they're asked for, and tell the kids to wait for other things it's not time for yet. Any way you slice it, when a kid asks you as a parent to do something, you respond both to the child's desire and to what is best for them; but you don't want them to have a bad attitude about whatever your answer happens to be.
That's where I believe contentment comes in.
A husband is a good gift. It's a pure and God-given desire to want to be married. So I'll continue to ask for that gift.
BUT...
I've had to learn to live my life NOW and not ignore what I've got by always thinking about what I want - i.e., marriage, kids, etc.
By definition, that's covetousness and it steals the joy and gratefulness out of life. Can't imagine that being too pleasing to God.
Do I desire to be married? Sure. Every day. Do I ask God for a husband? Absolutely. The desire is still there, so the contentment folks would seem to say I'm not perfectly satisfied being single.
On the other hand, my life now IS wonderful and God's already blessed me incredibly. I can't lose sight of that even while I ask God for things I desire. Otherwise it's way too easy to resent God for not doing what I want RIGHT NOW.
Does contentment guarantee I'll get married? No. Being "content" only to sort of bargain God into giving me something seems like no contentment at all. But I believe balancing my desire to be married with recognition of how good God's already been to me will give me a much more joyful and God-honoring life.
8. Sunshine said the following at 10:51 AM on May 12
I'm 26 and single and for years people have been telling me to surrender my desire of marriage to God in the sense of stop wanting to get married..because if you do then He'll give it to you. I think wat Camerin and Hadely were getting at is this logic is totally not God's logic. That's not really relying on God. When scripture speaks of surrendering to God it's saying trust God in everything.
And I don't think it was implied that God is some sort of "Sugar Daddy (which is by definition a pretty dirty concept)" or Santa Claus where you can say "Hey God, give me a Barbie or a new car." It's repeated throughout scripture that God will provide the desire of our hearts...not our lust for things. There are desires that God placed in our hearts and then there are our own desires. God desires to see us happy and when we desire marriage and family He'll provide it. In his great timing and not ours. Marriage is symbolic of the kind of relationship God wants with us - if we're not called to perminant singleness we should desire it. There's nothing wrong with desiring to be married and have children...these things are pleasing to him too. It's acting independently from God to obtain it that's wrong.
We should surrender to God and trust his provision...and we shouldn't give up on praying for those things in our hearts. It's not about God give me this, it's about "God this is how I feel; this is what I desire and I put them into your hands and trust you to bless me with them in your perfect timing."
9. Lis said the following at 11:44 AM on May 12
If contentment means an active trust that God has Boaz's attitude toward my well-being ("will not rest until he have finished the thing"), and if I remember that His perception of my well-being may not be the same as mine, and am willing to let Him answer my prayers in His time and way.... then I think asking God to send me a husband fits in perfectly with being content as a single.
10. Greg said the following at 11:45 AM on May 12
A few thoughts...
First, remember that desires are like a spotlight - they illuminate what we focus them on. That doesn't always mean that God intends to meet those desires in the way that we think He should or will.
While it is biblical that God does respond to our prayers and desires, it is also biblical that He sometimes chooses not to say 'yes'. Remember that we live in a broken world - this is not our home. Things won't be perfect here.
Some singles idolize marriage. A desire for marriage is a very good thing, but idolizing it is not :) It seems consistent with God's discipline that He might choose to withhold marriage from someone who idolizes it, but I don't think He is normally going to ask someone to no longer desire marriage before He opens that door!
I think a lot of singles are fearful of admitting a desire to get married. It makes a person vulnerable, to talk about that. Especially in our culture, and especially with a lot of the teaching that is out there today. "You want dinner? Sure! Let's all go get a pizza", "You want to work at ___ company? Cool! Let's see if we can get an interview setup", but "You want to get married? Silly you - you should be seeking God instead." Seems a bit inconsistent to me. Many of the desires wrapped up in marriage really connect at the core of a person.
Dr. Dobson's book (and FOTF radio series) Love Must Be Tough comes to mind. A lot of what Dobson says seems to indicate that singles that aren't hung up on clinging to the marriage thing can appear a lot more confident and fun to be around, which ironically can make them more attractive to the opposite sex.
But I think the bottom line is that all aspects of our lives should be in surrender to God. I do think that God uses the desire to marry in a great way to refine us, deep in our hearts. We should dive deeply into that journey of surrender with Him - it is a wonderful opportunity. But I agree with Nicole -- contentment and surrender doesn't mean absence of desire.
11. Anna said the following at 11:52 AM on May 12
Thank you so much for this. This is a tension I've experienced so often. I think it's a backlash from my view of the prosperity gospel and theology that preaches that God will give you want you want as long as you believe it and claim it. I sometimes go too far in the other direction and think that contentment means changing my desires. This was so refreshing to read.
12. rich said the following at 3:55 PM on May 12
megan and greg--good stuff. I enjoyed reading your comments, for they strike a balance, which is hard to do.
13. AK said the following at 4:11 PM on May 12
I think there is a fair amount of miscommunication happening on this topic. Greg is right, in highlighting the danger of either extreme.
A gift is a gift. There is nothing wrong with asking for a job, for a child, for a spouse, for a car. Nor is there anything wrong with working toward these things.
Nevertheless, while God certainly delights in us, our DESIRE does not obligate God to give us anything, no more than our holiness does.
14. BDB said the following at 4:24 PM on May 12
There are Biblical examples of where God tested people's faith by asking them to give up something. The most important is God asking Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac (Genesis 22:1-12) and this act of faith is cited again in Hebrews 11:17-19. The apostle Paul also faced a desire for relief of a "thorn" that God did not grant (see 2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
Relinquishing a desire does not mean that the desire goes away. It means being willing to accept whatever God chooses to do in a situation. It also usually means reassessing the things around you to see if they are God's will or not. Here are three examples where relinquishment might help one move towards marriage.
Example #1: We all probably know women who like to date the "bad boy" and reform him. Perhaps she is overlooking a "boring" guy around her who consistently does what he says he's going to do. Perhaps if she relinquishes the desire for superficial excitement she will be more open to God doing the unexpected. She might be more willing to adjust her routine to accept an unexpected lunch invitation from a semi-boring guy who gets up the nerve, rather than simply giving him the cold shoulder.
Example #2: A guy who focuses his attention on the "pretty girls" may find himself pondering the realities of breast cancer. Treatment of breast cancer often involves disfiguring surgery. To walk with one's wife through that process requires a commitment to more than looks. And reaching that point - surrendering the desire for a trophy wife - may help him pay more attention to the women he is overlooking.
Example #3: Relinquishing one's desire for marriage "right now" may help someone calm down. If you quietly watch for doors that God is opening and closing, your every emotion won't hinge simply on the last phone call (or lack thereof.) You can more patiently wait for God to reveal what you should do next. And, frankly, it's easier to get to know calm people who don't go psycho at the first disagreement. Calm makes it easier to adjust to another, different person.
I won't say that relinquishment is an automatic formula to get married. But if God asks you to relinquish something, that obedience is probably necessary before you can move forward.
15. Adam said the following at 5:45 PM on May 12
I would have to say that I agree with Greg. I think that the issue is not whether God wants you to be content with your singleness before you find a wife, but, rather, he wants you to have the maturity necessary to carry on the Christian life within the state of marriage. If someone is loathing their singleness, then they do not have serving Christ as their ultimate desire, but rather, being married. This is because Christ told us not to worry even about what we would eat or drink. Hence, Christ says that even on the things that are essential for life, we are to trust him fully. Thus, if we are worring about whether or not we are married, then we are setting ourselves up for a fall, because we are not living in full trust of God.
This is why the Old Testament is so useful, as it shows how God deals with idolatry. In so much of the Old Testament, he destroys our idols, and causes us to see that we cannot trust in them, but that our trust must be in God alone. I think that many times that is what is going on with singles who are unmarried. Not that this is true in every case, but I believe that the Bible teaches that this is one of the ways God deals with idolatry.
Hence, I would say that it is more accurate to say that God can keep people from their idol of marriage to show them that they cannot trust in marriage to survive, they must trust in God alone. Either way, we should be seeking to grow closer to Christ in all that we do. Hence, whether that is the reason or not, we should seek to say that we should not worry even if we have no food or drink, or, as the case may be, no fiance.
However, I also think Greg is right, in that, for some reason, churches have told singles that there is something wrong with wanting to be married, as if the desire for marriage were, in and of itself, a result of discontentment. Desire for something is not wrong. Having your desire get out of control resulting in depression and anger is.
I think that it all comes down to lordship. You can have a desire as long as that desire does not become Lord of your life. When that desire begins to control you, then it becomes sin.
God Bless,
Adam
16. Melissa B said the following at 7:16 PM on May 12
Well said, BDB. Making peace with your current situation doesn't automatically make you deserving, but rather more "open" to the opportunities around you, and perhaps therefore more likely to find a happiness you weren't expecting.
17. Dustin said the following at 8:00 PM on May 12
BDB
All I can say is "excellent." I think you captured what many are missing. In ym own experience I know that I have had a lot of changing to do. God has not asked me to give up my desires, but He has changed them. I have a had a desire to marry since I was little guy. That has been consistent. What has changed is me. I have had to grow up in order to be the right man for the job. I am thankful Godhas done it His way and not mine.
18. Carolyn said the following at 11:13 AM on May 13
I didn't read every comment, so I apologize if this point has already been made:
The point is not to close ourselves off to the possibility of marriage, but to simply embrace the season of singleness as a blessed part of God's plan. I agree that contentment is not and should not be what our marital status hinges on. If we based all the blessings in our lives on our own actions, then grace would be irrelevant. But contentment -- whether in singleness or in marriage -- is part of joy. We are commanded to take joy in the Lord, and part of that is to take joy in the life that He has placed before us. He is good, and He is sovereign. While we do have needs and desires, we need to take those to the foot of the cross and let Him be Lord over them, whatever that may mean. Part of trusting Him is allowing Him to work. In singleness, it means being open to marriage or to singleness, as He sees fit.
{As a side note, I'm still learning to take all of this as truth myself. It is a difficult process, especially as the desire in my heart to be married continues to grow.}
Take encouragement from Philippians:
"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13
I hope that we all can live with joy in singleness, resting in the grace and sovereignty of our Lord.
19. Greg said the following at 3:02 PM on May 13
BDB - I really appreciated your comments. God does desire to mold and shape us, and I believe He does desire us to be a blessing to a future spouse, should marriage be His specific will.
It's good to remember that marriage isn't the end-square on the board game of our lives :) Not even remotely close!
20. Dan said the following at 5:54 PM on May 13
These are all good comments, however I just want to add my two cents worth. A verse that I'm meditating on is Psalm 37:4 which says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Put into context, the Psalmist here is actually talking about the frustration we as God loving people seeing the unrighteous living lives of great blessing. In the context of this blog people who get married who don't know God and are unrighteous.
As a guy who has recently gone through a painful breakup of an engagement, I know how this feels in an intense way. I remember being in the supermarket, and seeing the front page of a trashy magazine, which (if you are an Aussie you'll know what I'm talking about) had a photo of Shane Warne with his wife, reunited. Shane Warne was a phenomenal cricketer who is near enough worshipped by many people, but is also a notorious womaniser.
But Psalm 37 provides great encouragement here in the fact that not only will God give us the desires of our heart, but the things the unrighteous have "will wither like a green herb." Take heart, God has placed desires within us because He wants to see them fulfilled, but in His own timing. All we should concentrate on is delighting in His ways, and, through no effort on our part He will bring our desires to pass in our lives. God bless you!
21. Leah said the following at 5:59 PM on May 13
Sunshine- what exactly was wrong with Suzanne and Camerin's logic? You never said.
You seem to think that "surrendering" our desires to God does not mean not having the desires anymore, but simply trusting God with them.
This seems to be exactly what Camerin and Suzanne were saying.
22. Sunshine said the following at 9:28 PM on May 13
Leah,
I didn't say that their logic was wrong at all. I mean I didn't do the greatest at checking my writing but I was refering to the logic that was presented in the beginning of the paragraph I wrote.
"I'm 26 and single and for years people have been telling me to surrender my desire of marriage to God in the sense of stop wanting to get married..because if you do then He'll give it to you. I think w[h]at Camerin and Hadely were getting at is [that] this logic is totally not God's logic."
Soory what i wrote confused you
23. Leah said the following at 2:47 AM on May 14
Sunshine- Ahhhhh. Ok, I getcha now. Thanks :)
24. sarah said the following at 3:48 AM on May 14
Thanks once again for 'hitting the nail on the head' in this blog.
As we grow closer to God I think the desires that He has placed within us sometimes intensify, not weaken. It is simply allowing Him to be the author the timing and way that He wants to fulfil those desires. A quote I read recently summed this up: "Because God matters infinitely, everything else matters MUCH MORE in the light of Him." (Simon Guillebaud)
25. Jessi said the following at 8:21 AM on May 14
I am 26 years old, and a single woman. Do I want to get married? Yes, I do. But I refuse to pursue marriage with the lopsided view that it will somehow ultimately satisfy all of my deepest longings. I don't know about anyone else here, but my number one desire is to please God to and grow deeper in my walk with Him. I am not saying that marriage can't do that. But when I obsess and long for marriage and it distracts me from what God wants me to do RIGHT NOW for Him, with Him and through Him, then my focus is no longer on the Giver but the gift.
It seems that no one is asking the underlying questions here: Why do you REALLY want to get married? Do you want to get married so you won't be alone anymore? There are a lot of folks who are married(saved and unbelieving) and are lonely and miserable. Marriage is not a guarantee that you won't be lonely anymore, nor is it a guarantee of lifelong happiness and bliss(although I'm not saying that marriage doesn't have its happy moments)
Sometimes I wonder how many people on this blog really realize how much work, sacrifice, dedication,patience, diligence, responsibility, and maturity is required in marriage.It is a COVENANT, not a contract. If we can't even exhibit these characteristics in our own relationships (friendships, family, church, etc.) before we get married, then how in the world are you going to do it when you get married? I have seen many married couples go through things they wouldn't have to deal with had they addressed it when they were single.
I guess I"m getting tired of Christians bashing each other. Singles and marrieds need each other. Why do we continue to do this dance where singles bash marrieds and marrieds bash singles, or we try to debate whether being married or being single is better. Whatever happened to learning gratitude and learning that God's way of doing things is way beyond ours? Whatever happened to exercising self-control and taking the opportunity to follow the mission of the life God has given me?(I am not saying marriage and family is not a part of that mission, but it happens the way He wants it to, not by our own deadlines)
You will become what you continue to express. If you continue to express frustration, anger, and ungratefulness, then you will be those things.
So I guess I have a challenge for singles out there:
what would happen if you found out what your life's mission for Him was and pursued that before you worried about getting married?
what would happen if you stood on your own two feet and made a decision to pursue marriage, but with the intent of glorifying God, not with the intent of getting married to meet everyone else's expectations?
what if you actually thought about what marriage actually requires by sitting under godly, spiritually mature and seasoned couples in your church?
26. Erica said the following at 9:45 AM on May 14
Surrendering the desire to be wedded is not a bad thing. There is popular saying that men do not like women who are easy. Another one says ‘men always like women they know they can never have’. Ask some of the women who are married today they will tell you that the guy ask them out ten times before they said yes. Some will tell the guy ask a year before she said yes. I read in the newspaper about a guy who called a girl every day for 2 years before she agreed to date with him. The latter sound very extreme. It is rare for a guy or girl to want to date someone who they know want to marry them in six months times.
One of my brothers always tells me he does not like how single woman over the age of 26 act. They spend the whole day complaining how they single and when they will ever be married. They become angry easily and become conscious of everything.
When I become 26 I remembered what he told me and the relationship I was in has just ended. At first I was bitter that I was not married at my age then I prayed and God changed me. I began to think about my life what it will be like if I married and or not. I went back to college and got a First Degree. Whether I marry or not I still need something to get by. I will need somewhere to live. I start to save for a house. I will need a pension in old age. If I don’t get marry and have kids I would need enough money to pay a nursing home. I recognize although I don’t have a boyfriend or a husband to love, I have nephews, nieces, brothers and sisters. So I love my family even more visited my nieces and nephews, help them with their homework, took them on trip, baby-sit for my brothers and sisters. I appreciate the good friends I have. Help the kids in my community with their homework and talk to them about Jesus.
I started to enjoy the ability to sleep through the night, I realized when I get marry and have baby a good night sleep will be a luxury. I thanked God for that good night sleep. I watched TV anytime I want to, planted my rose garden, do my crochet patterns, went on trips with my church and have lunch with the brethren and start socializing with other persons. Believe it or not for three years I did not have a date.
During that time I have friends of both male and female and I learn the skills needed to get along with people. I never try to get in relationship with some who I like, I preferred someone who like me. Another saying goes if a man loves a woman and treated her well. The women will start loving him back as a woman is a receiver and a man is a giver. The capacity a healthy woman has to receive love is limitless. At 32, I met someone who liked me more than I like him. He was different from all the other guys, he call to find out how was my day. He called me every night for three weeks and visited me. God helped me to fall in love with and love him with all my heart. The previous relationship it was me who call all the time and it was me who asked where the relationship heading and when I did, normally ended. He did the define the relationship talk, he first said I love you, and he first mentioned marriage. We are engaged to be married in three months. He always said he love the life I live when I was single.
It is not good to sit down everyday and moan about wanted to be married and no one around. It is good to get up and enjoy life. When you start enjoy life someone good will notice and something good will happen.
27. xeres said the following at 10:33 AM on May 14
Jessi, what you said true but I add on to what you say. Singles for the most part who are there by circumstances (being widowed,divorced or the never-marrieds are unlucky with their love life)are different from those who are intentionally single. Singles by circumstance I'm not too worried about. What I'm worried about is the ones who are intentionally single. Most of their reason for staying single are not for the sake of the Gospel or that God gave them something that would lead to sacrifical celibate service. That's pretty much the truth.
The reason why I brought this up because when I read paul's letters and Paul's life, He valued relationships of all levels (family, marriage, friends, comrades, etc) very much and their contribution along with their role to both the Gospel and making Christ known. I don't see that in both marrieds and single very much. Both of them look for greener pastures.
28. Gillian V. said the following at 10:49 AM on May 14
Erica, I am glad that your story has a "happy" ending, but please realize that many women act in the same manner as you and remain unmarried for their whole lives. With all due respect, your mindset is the kind Camerin takes issue with in her article. Your brother has a point with respect to single women over the age of 26; I am a single woman over the age of 26 who tries her best to not whine and complain about her marital status because doing so is unbecoming. However, I must ask: How old is your brother, is he married, and if he is married, how old was he when he got married? If he is older than 26 and still single, or was older when he got married, then I think his opinion is quite unkind and unfair. I don't know your brother, of course, but it could be argued that he was/is "causing" a woman of his own age or older to be single if he himself was/is still single.
29. Kevin said the following at 12:14 PM on May 14
I am a 24 yr old single male. I have had one girlfriend (we dated for 13 months b4 she broke up with me). I think the only thing I have to say is that I deeply long to be married but at the same time I, like Erica, enjoy my singleness. I spend my time working in a promising career, doing volunteer youth ministry, and (trying) to keep my body in good physical shape. The "extremes" and "balance" that everyone keeps talking about are all ideals. "In a perfect world..." you fill in the blank. I have not had a date (in pretty much any sense of the word) in over four years. Do i want a girlfriend/future wife? Yes. But i am happy with what i do have, i work towards more, and maybe God is still working on the person who is going to be my wife, maybe she isnt yet ready for me (and vice versa by the way =) ).
30. Erica said the following at 12:34 PM on May 14
Gillian, he wasn't married then. He got married at 24 to his childhood sweetheart who was 20 years Old at the time.
31. Katy said the following at 2:44 PM on May 14
Mentioning Hannah as someone to whom God granted the desire of her heart is interesting. Yes, God did give her a son, but only after years and years of prayer and tears on Hannah's part. 1 Samuel 1:5 says that the Lord had closed her womb. After Hannah finally gives birth to Samuel, she takes him to the temple and leaves him there to serve the Lord. Hannah's story is an example of how to keep trusting God even when he is not giving us what we want at the time. I'm trying to take her example of persistent prayer to heart.
32. Greg said the following at 4:47 PM on May 14
Katy - I appreciated your thoughts - and what is interesting about Hannah is that she not only had Samuel, whom she dedicated to the Lord's service, but she went on to have five more children as well :) Not only so, but God bestowed on her a great honor with a special place in history.
Really, in that instance, it does look as if God was waiting for something to take place in Hannah's heart before answering her prayer. Obviously, God doesn't work the same way in everyones' life. There were plenty of other women in the Bible who were unable to have children, but didn't have a "Hannah story". I also think of Gideon asking for sign after sign, and God answered His prayers, but in other places folks got in trouble for asking for signs. And there were the times that people got into an argument of sorts with God (and He answered), but other times when God simply said "bow the knee".
I think what some of this comes down to is that God is a person, not a machine; and He looks at the heart, not at the form or at the outward appearance. He's interested in blessing us, but also in our holiness; and His sovereign plan doesn't always make sense.
And then there's the practical nuts-and-bolts aspect, too. :)
33. Leah said the following at 6:38 PM on May 14
Gillian V- what on earth was wrong with Erica's brother's opinion? I thought it was quite appropriate, and I see nothing in Camerin's opinion to disagree. She was opposing people who think "surrendering the desire to marry" equals "not wanting to marry anymore". That's not what Erica's brother was saying. He was saying he didn't like the whinging, complaining attitude he saw in many single women over 26. And if that's what I saw all the time, I wouldn't blame him.
34. Andrew the longwinded said the following at 11:37 PM on May 14
The notion of contentment can be used as a tool to de-legitimise the desires of the heart. It is a particularly hurtful strategy for belittling legitimate desires for change.
For example, as a teenage new Christian I lived in a tourist town that mostly offered young adults minimum wage jobs or unemployment. I was saving up to go to college to escape this working-class poverty. The church I attended had a large population of wealthy retirees who found this difficult to comprehend. I was told that ‘Godliness with contentment’ was all I needed.
When I persisted with my plans, suggestions of Bible college was made to ‘clarify’ my understanding of contentment. My desires for a college education and a better paying job to escape poverty were classed as wrong and unbiblical. As counsel from comfortable retirees to a (literally) penniless minimum wage worker, that seemed a bit hypocritical to me.
Being content should not mean settling for second best, which in this case would have been remaining in working-class poverty. One aspect of being content might be avoiding envy for those who have what I want, whilst I’m working towards the same outcome (a better financial situation). I don’t see a problem with that, unless mammon became my whole life. Which it hasn’t.
In a similar way, desiring to get married is not wrong. I wanted to for years. A married person castigating a single for desiring to be married would have to have some justification. A single person with considerable personal problems, heavily in debt and struggling to hold down a job would likely not benefit from dealing with the additional issues of getting married, as it would obviously just add to their problems. In this instance it might be kinder to encourage them to deal with their issues before seeking to be married. Of course, only some singles are in such straights. I suspect most of us are just regular people dealing with the ups and downs of life and who’d like to share them with someone.
All seasons of life can be special. As students, we might desire to be employed and enjoy more financial freedom. As singles, we might desire to be married and enjoy life with a spouse. As a couple, we might desire children and all the accoutrements of family life. As parents, we try to delight in our children even when we desire a night off. Travelling through life in a community of believers, we need to wisely use each time of life as best we can, focussing on the positives of where we are whilst seeking to grow for whatever life may bring us to next.
Proverbs states that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick.’ When we voice our desires to God, He hears us and feels our desire. Christians should be encouraged to seek out marriage as a healthy alternative to the defacto relationships modelled by the secular world. A good marriage can spur faithfulness towards God and selflessness to each other as spouses serve and encourage each other.
Like wealth, marriage does not satisfy all our deepest longings. Such an expectation just invites disappointment and contributes to relationship failure. Marriage is a learning experience of relating intimately to our spouse, an ongoing process until we graduate to the next life.
I was 33 when I married; my new wife was 28. I had enjoyed much about being single but wanted to move on to a new chapter in life. I have few regrets from my single years; perhaps even those relate more to immature goals unworthy of the time or effort required to achieve them. I was older than I’d hoped to be, but the timing was good for both of us.
I suspect we are not always granted the desires of our heart, regardless of how worthy they are. One day I will probably want to ask questions about this. Is it presumptuous of the clay to ask the potter why he makes some clay into jars, some into cups and some into pots?
There are many times that His timing has certainly not been my own; but to voice as much just seems to invite criticism. In many ways I am still learning what it means to walk by faith and not by sight, as clear and specific goals and outcomes would be easier to plan for.
But life continues on, with or without a ten-year plan to accompany daily life. Being content might simply mean to look out for the positives in where we are at the present, whilst earnestly seeking out His best for us in all things, being accountable to others for our choices and giving thanks for His mercies which are new every day.
35. said the following at 12:22 AM on May 15
As someone who has always believed this myth as well, I find my own situation very humbling. I went through a period of a very ungodly lifestyle, humiliating habits and was basically ignorant to God entirely. After realizing what I had done with my life, I went into a deep depression and wrestled with admitting my ways to God. During this time when I was a complete mess, staying up all hours begging God for forgiveness and driving myself half crazy with guilt, He put an amazing man in my life when I absolutely least expected it. I did not deserve this wonderful person, nor would I ever have said I was "ready" for him. Yet, God couldnt have been better with the timing. He pushed me to accept Gods forgiveness and has helped me grow stronger in my faith than ever at a time where I felt so far away from anything God had ever called me to be.
Basically, this article is right on--God's timing is is His very own, cooperating pefectly with His plans for you...and always perfect. :o) Trust Him.
36. Anonymous said the following at 12:43 AM on May 15
I am interested to know why Erica's brother is spending so much time with so many single women if he is married!
But my main point is, I don't think single women (of all ages) are "whining" and "complaining" enough.
I think they need to get a little bit angry: Primarily at the contemporary church's wrong teaching, which is leaving Christian women in limbo, "waiting" and "waiting" for marriage, while their most fertile years are being squandered. And they are supposed to be meekly "content" with that?
Church leaders need to be seriously outreaching to men in order to address the imbalance of the male/female ratio in our churches, and encouraging the men in our churches to get married and find a wife in their youth (if they don't have the gift of celibacy).
37. ro said the following at 1:35 AM on May 15
Singleness can be difficult, as God created marriage in response to man's loneliness. It therefore follows that some singles can be lonely. And express their suffering verbally. Maybe Erica and her brother feel others should not feel lonely at all or complain about it. However, we are all human, and maybe in their humanity they just want someone to show empathy. The bible says to mourn with those who mourn, and bear one another's burdens. If you handle a situation better than someone else, it is very pharasaical to criticize other's so heavily and feel you are better than them by passing judgement. We all struggle in different areas. Singles who are having difficulty with protracted singleness (whether you feel they have a right to or not) are allowed to verbalize this, admit where they are at (even if you think its something they should not be struggling with), and seek support.
Being single in your early 20s is not as difficult as being single later in life. So those who have not experienced protracted singleness really shouldn't be telling others how to handle it, but should rather show compassion, even if they feel its not an issue they would struggle with. Its a little bit arrogant assuming you know how people should act in a situation and with difficulties you have never faced.
Its a little like someone whose never been starving telling starving people not to complain about it...
If you haven't been through it, and don't know of the accompanying difficulties... rather keep quiet. And just because people are human, they will struggle in areas you think they shouldn't or maybe that aren't struggles for you, so don't judge them. On this earth, we all fall short of God's glory.
I am not implying judgement by what I say, but am trying to curb an incompassionate response to suffering, and so feel it necessary to speak out. Even if you don't suffer with it, (well done to you on achieving this), some people do.
And God has asked us to share our sufferings with fellow believers, who will hopefully see our hurts, and show us Christ's love.
38. Gillian V. said the following at 11:32 AM on May 15
Erica, thank you for your clarification. I am glad to hear that your brother wasn't a protracted single prior to getting married. I simply get tired of men who wait until their late 20s or beyond to marry and have the audacity to complain about women of their own age being bitter and too pushy with regard to commitment, and not having known your brother's age, I was afraid he fell into this category.
Leah, aside from what I wrote above regarding Erica's brother, what concerned me about Erica's post was her saying, in effect, "God gave me a husband once I became content." This is indeed the notion Camerin attacks in her article, and I'm of the same opinion.
I certainly believe that singles have the right to admit that they struggle. As this relates to my own situation, I have been very honest with God, my family, and my friends, but I try to limit how much I talk about it because I don't want to seem negative (though I admit I have failed at this more than a few times!). I try to maintain a positive outlook as it concerns my overall life, and I've always taken complaining to mean, as it applies to any life situation, that I'm speaking negatively about something without taking action to improve it. So, in an attempt to meet men who are good marriage material, I participate in activities I care about and enjoy (e.g., church activities, volunteering in the community, arts events), and I've let my friends know that I am open to introductions. At the moment, I'm also giving careful consideration to signing up with a Christian dating service.
My being proactive, however, has not made me "content" in the way singles are usually told to be. I think my circumstances as a single are far from ideal, but I am content in who God is, in His character, and I trust in the promises He has made to me and all believers (which, I realize, do not include marriage). I do think this is what the Apostle Paul was getting at when he addressed contentment. After all, most of us have the good sense to not tell a parent of kidnappped child or a person whose loved one has just been murdered to "be content," so why is it okay to tell singles this?
39. Andrew (the longwinded) said the following at 8:59 PM on May 15
Anonymous, your comment is worthy of a separate blog question. Where are all the men in churches? Why do so many churches seem predominantly female?
I agree with Ro that protracted singleness gets progressively more awkward and difficult. As you age, you increasingly fall out of the “acceptable” college-aged range in you are expected to be single. Singles groups based on people in their early twenties really don’t feel right as you hit 30 and are still (involuntarily) single. Then there are church people who start asking questions about your sexual preferences. Younger adults may spread rumours about your alleged “predatory” dating habits. New women in church are warned about the weird, older guys who are still single. As if being over 30 was some type of communicable disease.
You might think this sounds a little paranoid. Had I not seen these behaviours myself I would tend to agree with you. But it’s all true as I’ve seen it happen to friends in numerous churches.
Having gotten married at 33, I was spared the worst of these malicious actions for most of my thirties. Being 30 and 30 was uncomfortable. The younger college set had completely alien tastes, values and ideas.
But I’m not complaining. My best man is now 40 and has been single longer than I was. To be honest, I thought it would be me that was single at 40, not him. He is a capable and successful man, happy in his career and financially in good health. In looks he’s neither Brad Pitt nor Boris Yeltsin (sorry Boris).
From experience I know that he attracted many of the criticisms and malicious behaviours from church people that I’ve described above. He doesn’t attend a church anymore because he finds people just can’t relate to his never-married situation. He reports that divorcees have an easier time finding their place in church.
He and I have talked at length about the “am I ready to marry” question. He is definitely not “content” to remain single the rest of his life and to criticise him for a lack of “contentment” would be harsh and unfair.
40. Leah said the following at 11:46 PM on May 15
Gillian V-
1) I made no comment on Erica's thoughts, but on what her brother said.
2) Now that you've brought up Erica's thoughts, I would not say Camerin was attacking what Erica said. Camerin was attacking the idea that we will not get a husband until we become content. Erica simply shared her experience, that she was able to find contentness, and she also found a husband. She made no implications that it was because of her contentment that God gave her a husband.
41. Anonymous (a different one) said the following at 11:14 AM on May 16
In reference to Andrew (tlw)'s comment above about older single men and the malicious comments they receive...
IT IS TRUE.
I myself have been the target of malicious comments. From people who don't know me, AND from my own family. Unfortunately, it DOES come from the church as well.
It is sickening that those who call themselves Christians will so freely speculate about a person's "preferences", and then these same people get angry when the world refers to them as "homophobic".
42. Gillian V. said the following at 11:27 AM on May 16
Leah,
Perhaps my posts were unclear.
Specifically, I took issue with this statement made by Erica: "When you start enjoy life someone good will notice and something good will happen." I took this to mean that she believed that people would end up with good spouses if they were happy and carefree about whether marriage would happen to them. Camerin, in her article, states that life doesn't work out this way for many, and she is right.
My opinion about her brother's criticism of single women over the age of 26 was an issue separate from the one raised by Camerin in her article; I wasn't linking them.
Thanks.
43. Leah said the following at 7:47 AM on May 20
Actually, I think I'd agree with Erica saying "When you start enjoy life someone good will notice and something good will happen." I wouldn't bring God into that statement- Erica didn't either- it's not saying "once you're happy God will do x y z." I think it's simply an observation that it's when you're enjoying life that someone will spot you and be attracted to you. I think that's true. From what I've found out from discussing this with guys, they are attracted to girls who are happy, joyful, enjoy-life type girls. I think that's basically an observation statement which is largely true. Sure, not 100% of the time, but I think it's true a majority of the time.
44. Jo said the following at 3:12 AM on Jul 6
There are a lot of paradoxes, or seeming paradoxes in the Christian faith. Become like a little child Vs Be mature. We're justified by faith not works Vs Faith without works is dead. These things aren't contradictory but they take a lot of prayer and thought to understand.
Be Content Vs Pray for your desires, is another one, and it's very tricky to get the balance right. I wholeheartedly agree with those who've said that being content single does not mean no longer wanting to get married. I want to get married but more than that, right now I want to trust God that his timing and his plan are right and to be content with where I am now, to be able to appreciate the blessings I have and live for God's glory in the present.
Two things I believe God has said to me during this time:
1. He made me aware of an subconscious attitude I had that basically went, "If I get too content as a single woman, God will have no reason to find me a husband." Without realising it I was thinking of God as someone who would do the least possible to satisfy me and not bother to give me more unless I was discontent with what I had. This is rubbish! God gives us abundantly more than we can ask or imagine. That's not to suggest marriage is always 'more', but if marriage is best for me then he will give it to me - my present contentment won't change his future plan.
2. Last year God was challenging me about his sovereignty and about surrendering my desires and my plans to him. I felt very challenged about marriage and family particularly: "If it's not my plan for you to be married, will you still accept my calling on your life?" I knew God wasn't telling me his plan, rather he was asking me which I ultimately wanted, my own desires or his desires for me. That's something I still find extremely challenging and I find it hard to imagine remaining single for my whole life. But I feel I want to make my peace with that and grow to trust God's ideas above my own - whatever they may be. I want to trust absolutely that he won't sell me short.
These are my experiences and we can only give our own experiences - I think the experiences of those who have found contentment has led to marriage are as valid as any other, but we can't start applying our own experiences to everyone else. We don't walk the same path and God deals with us all differently according to his relationship with us.
In conclusion I'd say I agree with many of the principles of both views. I don't think it's a bargaining situation where I become content and God automatically grants me a husband. I also don't think contentment means I stop asking God for good things. But I want my highest desire to be following God and trusting his guidance in everything. I want to be content in every situation, like Paul. I'm not expecting a man to come along the moment I manage to attain that goal (in fact i don't expect ever to fully attain that goal) but it's one I want to work towards throughout my life whatever my current circumstances may be.