Success of Marriage vs. Lavishness of Wedding
by
Steve Watters
on May 31, 2007 at 1:09 PM
I read an article the other day about saving money on weddings. After a couple of quick tips, the writer shares this thought:
Thirty-nine years ago, my parents were married in a small chapel north of New Orleans. They each had two attendants; 40 guests attended. A friend took photographs. Since then, my father has had a theory: "The success of the marriage is in inverse proportion to the lavishness of the wedding." His thinking (which holds some water) is that the more time and effort a couple devotes to picking out the perfect invitation, favor, or limousine service, the less they work on their compatibility during the critical period of engagement.
I heard once (and I think we've mentioned on Boundless somewhere) that weddings among early Christians were as simple as having couples who wanted to get married stand during the course of a church service and repeat their vows. That's radically bare bones compared to the elaborate details couples are working on right now for weddings that will be taking place in the next couple of months.
What level of planning and investment makes a wedding special without taking away from the larger project of planning and investment for a good marriage?
Any thoughts from our married readers? Any readers in the midst of planning a wedding?
1. John had the following to say on May 31 at 1:17 PM:
If I ever do get married (which we'll see) I want my wedding ceremony to be as minimal as possible. I mean, I would hold the ceremony on the sidewalk if possible.
Of course, I'm a man, and men are notoriously uninterested in weddings, but the sorts of weddings that cost more than the Gross National Product of Haiti, and where the bride is always throwing a hissy fit because the cocktail napkins are the wrong shade of ecru, are ridiculous.
When you come right down to it, what does the Bible mandate in terms of a wedding ceremony? Nothing at all, as far as I can determine.
2. kman had the following to say on May 31 at 1:28 PM:
Our wedding was a small, package deal affair. Only parents and siblings and a couple close friends attended. neither of us wanted a big wedding and neither of us wanted to go deep into debt to have one either.
The day is special because two people are making their vows before God and man to be one flesh for the rest of their lives. The rest is for decoration IMO. Look at some of the biggest weddings and then look at the relationship after 5,10, 15+ years. Money spent on a wedding doesn't equal the the success of the relationship. Seems so obvious but I said it anyway.
Besides, the wedding day is just the beginning of the marriage, the real fun/challenge is all the days after!
3. Tomi had the following to say on May 31 at 1:30 PM:
I read a really good article written by an "insider" about the wedding industry, I'll try to find it. One of the things it says is that a lot of wedding planners try to push all these "traditions" on brides that were really just invented by the industry as little as a couple decades ago. Even the budget-strapped bride who wants a traditional, simple, wedding feels compelled to stay true to "tradition," when in reality a lot of what we think is traditional is really not.
4. Janelle had the following to say on May 31 at 2:00 PM:
My fiance and I just got engaged a couple weeks ago, and will be getting married in the fall. We are quickly finding out how expensive it is to have the "perfect" wedding.
While we want to have a beautiful wedding and be able to feed 300 - 350 people dinner and throw a great party... I really don't want my dad spending $5000 on catering! We just might have a dessert reception. I love my dad and I know he would pay for it, but it's only one day, and it will still be the most wonderful day of my life even without a full buffet spread!
5. Jen had the following to say on May 31 at 2:05 PM:
My mom wants me to have a small wedding, with cake and coffee afterward. I want the big wedding, with a big reception. Of course, I have no groom yet! But I don't see anything wrong with a big wedding, as long as you budget well and plan ahead.
6. nikki had the following to say on May 31 at 2:06 PM:
And let's not forget the churches, PLACES OF WORSHIP, charging in excess of $500 or even 1,000 to use facilities. I can understand some basic fees (setup, cleanup and all that), but the church shouldn't be trying to profit from or cash in on weddings. If my church was going to charge me, I wouldn't get married there because that is just sick.
7. Laura had the following to say on May 31 at 2:06 PM:
Tomi, I think I read that same article. Even the "tradition" of wearing white can be traced only as far back as the early 1800s -- when white dresses became popular, coinciding with the first production of chlorine bleach. This whole ten bridesmaids, $20,000 in debt, a 350-person guest list, an out-of-control, greedy gift registry thing... what does any of that have to do with expressing the mystery of Christ and his love for the Church (Eph 5:32)?
8. Bo had the following to say on May 31 at 2:32 PM:
I am getting married in 3 weeks. Originally, I wanted a very low-key wedding with just around 50 guests in my grandmother's backyard. But once the announcement was made, out-of-town friends and family started making plans to come, which meant that I couldn't leave in-town friends off the invitation list. Then my future mother-in-law gave me her list, and before you knew it, we were inviting 300 people. So we still tried to keep it simple and save our pennies, but what I soon discovered is that you can't go the cheap route--there are no cheap wedding dresses, florists, venues, photographers, etc. If you want a good photographer, you're going to spend a lot. I cried the day I found out what the church charges to hold a wedding there--I thought if anything, the church would be free or at least cheap! Also, the worst part for me was that I figured out that with these big companies running your wedding, it loses its personal-ness--I wanted our ceremony to be original and "us," but everything is so main-stream and traditional (definitely not us!).
We really prayed a lot about the planning--we desire the ceremony to reflect us, our love for each other, and our love for the Lord. Friends are helping me do my flowers; my fiance designed our programs, invitations, and thank-you cards; a friend designed my dress and another is making it; we made our own favors and centerpieces; my fiance designed the t-shirts the groomsmen will wear (yes, t-shirts!); a friend is doing our pictures for a greatly reduced price; among other things. Our friends reaching out to help us like this is a direct reflection of the love of the Lord in our lives--we are so blessed!!
We feel like we bucked the system to an extent but still felt it was really, really hard to totally stick it to the man while still having the wedding of our dreams while still making sure Christ is at the center. I struggle with that about twice a week--I start getting all panicky about the wedding until I turn to the Lord in prayer, remember that it's about the Lord first and then the marriage (not the wedding!), and surrender it all to Him. again. :)
9. Jen had the following to say on May 31 at 2:33 PM:
My husband and I were married in December 2006. We had a wonderful large wedding. We stayed within our budget. We made sure that the wedding didn't take over our relationship. I think it is possible to have a large wedding and keep the right focus. It involves keeping the future marriage and not the wedding the most important thing.
10. v@v had the following to say on May 31 at 2:33 PM:
I don't have a lot of money or anything, and don't know how much my own wedding will cost when the time comes -- but just because I myself can't afford/may not be able to afford doing something "lavish" (highly subjective term) by my standards, doesn't mean I should judge or criticize those who can. Since when does being more financially able to splurge on a wedding mean you haven't built a marriage -- at least from a Christian perspective? By all means, fellow Christians who have a few extra dollars (or thousands) to spare on a wedding -- enjoy your beautiful day as you wish (as wisely as you can with the moolah) -- and I'm sure you are building your marriage too. You can get just as caught up in planning a penny-pinching wedding, as an expensive one and just as well forget about the "marriage building" too.
11. Kellann had the following to say on May 31 at 2:34 PM:
I've had the same dream as most girls to have a big beautiful wedding as long as I can remember. As I've gotten older and been to friends' weddings and really understood what goes on, I'm realizing more and more that the dream should probably just stay behind my eyelids. Not only is investing in that person before you marry them and really developing your compatibility important, my parents continue to remind me that there are many other things to pay for after the wedding, such as a place to live, furniture, cars, someday kids and all their stuff... I think with the help of friends and parents and "connections," a beautiful wedding with lots of nice things can be achieved without breaking the bank.
Of course we'll see once I start planning my own someday....
12. Doc had the following to say on May 31 at 2:47 PM:
I'm getting married in ten days. I wanted a simple wedding, but with a lot of people celebrating with my fiancee and I. Thankfully, we're having that! If you work on shopping around and negotiating, you CAN do a wedding that's a LOT cheaper than the national average. Our wedding is very tailored to both of us, and though there has been the occasional stress, we've been very conscious of our engagement and our marriage. In fact, early on, we dedicated Tuesday nights to be "wedding planning night" and every other day has been marriage planning. It's so worth it and CAN be done. No need to get wrapped up in something that only lasts a few hours. Can't wait to be married. :) Yay God!
13. Patricia had the following to say on May 31 at 2:49 PM:
I've never been a fan of big weddings. Should I be married someday, I'd want the wedding to be as close to the puritans as possible. I would hope my engagement would be characterized by preparation for marriage and not so much for the wedding. God uses marriage as a window of His love for His Church and I wouldn't want me and my own selfish desires for the perfect wedding, for all the attention, etc to cloud anyone's view to that Love. Not during my marriage and certainly not on the first day of that marriage. So let it be simple for the glory of God.
14. Sina had the following to say on May 31 at 2:56 PM:
I do agree that folks spend too much time planning and less time thinking about what marriage means or what God requires of them as a couple.
I'm a girl and all but I want a very simple wedding. They cost less and people feel more free to enjoy the event in my opinion. Lord willing my wedding will be a big picnic(literally)!!!!
15. Karen had the following to say on May 31 at 2:59 PM:
Most of my friends are married now, and the more I've seen of others' weddings, the more I want a very small wedding of my own. Honestly, all that stuff just seems less and less important the older I get. Who cares about fancy flowers, amazing dresses, a fantastic feed? Within a year most of the people who attended will barely remember what color your bridesmaids were wearing. And how often do married couples go through their wedding album together? I'm not saying those things are necessarily unimportant, it just seems like the further you get from the actual wedding day the less important those seemingly life-and-death decisions (at the time) really become. Sure, if you have the money, go for it, but don't go into debt for what amounts to about 4 hours of one day of your life. Put the time and money into the marriage.
16. Bethany had the following to say on May 31 at 3:13 PM:
I just got married two weekends ago (has it already been that long?). We had a well attended wedding of ~300 people and were blessed to do it with a budget of $5,000. The secret we found? Getting others involved and doing a lot of "the dirty work" ourselves. My fiance (now husband) and I spent a lot of time together working on making invitations, creating programs, making silk flower bouquets, etc. Even my grandma helped by making the wedding cake (helps that she does it already as a side business). Yeah, weddings can get elaborate. But we began everything with prayer and were able to have an elegant and Christ-centered wedding without any regrets or frustrations.
17. Jethro had the following to say on May 31 at 3:35 PM:
It's funny, I keep hearing about the $30,000k plus weddings, but when my wife and I got married a year ago, I think we would've struggled to spend that much.
All up I think it cost about $12k for 80 guests, including church (a rort at $500), flowers etc, but not the wedding or engagement rings (which I think are sometimes included in these figures). On the whole though I don't think we could've spent a whole lot more without really going out of our way and trying to do so.
18. Michele had the following to say on May 31 at 3:42 PM:
So my boyfriend and I went to a wedding about a month ago. It was the first one we attended together. It was at a gorgeous hidden spot in the Texas Hill Country, and it was very clearly expensive. On top of that, every detail felt staged and contrived, from the cake-cutting on down. Since then, we've had a few conversations ourselves. We want an unexpected location (the grounds or rotunda of a unique county courthouse will work, and that's frequently free of charge), a smallish guest list (harder to do, we each come from big families!), simple clothing, and mid-afternoon so we don't have to spend a lot on food. We have friends who do photography, and if we didn't we'd give a photojournalism class a call. Another friend spins as a DJ for a lot of parties.
A friend is getting married in August - she bought a white sundress that she'll dress up a bit (total cost, under $200) and he's gonna wear a dress shirt, nice jeans, and cowboy boots. They're getting married in a church and having the reception in his parents' backyard. They're gonna honeymoon at a bed and breakfast in the state.
I worked in the "wedding industry" for a couple of years. It is totally possible to do things inexpensively if you're willing to be creative.
19. Kellie had the following to say on May 31 at 3:48 PM:
I don't see anything wrong with a large wedding if one can afford it (going into heavy debt over a wedding is another issue). I got married a little over a year ago. We splurged in some areas (catered dinner reception) and saved in others (friend of my dad took pictures (he was a professional photographer, but it was his first wedding), and the reception was in the church social hall). The wedding was perfect in my opinion. Most importantly, planning the wedding did not completely consume our lives.
20. Leann K. had the following to say on May 31 at 3:56 PM:
Bethany, I can relate to you. My aunt is a great cake maker (she used to own a catering business) and made both the wedding cake and groom's cake as our wedding gifts. My cousin is a photographer and offered her services as her wedding gift. My now-husband works for a design company and they own a lot of props which we got to use rent-free. We had the wedding we wanted for probably around $2000 and that was only spent on candles, postage, participant gifts, my dress (which was only $300), the flowers (which my grandmother picked up at the grocery store!), and a few other things. My husband and I designed our invitations and programs. My pastor's wife played the piano and my cousin sang. My husband's uncle married us. Our church didn't charge us anything. We used the fellowship hall to have just a dessert reception with nibblers and two types of punch. We had SO many guests. It was a big wedding (in the amount of loved-ones who attended) but we didn't pay big money for it. It was such a personal wedding because all of the people we loved helped us out. We wrote our own vows and it was so special. If you are resourceful and plan well, having the wedding you want is possible!
21. garrett had the following to say on May 31 at 4:41 PM:
my wife and i got married almost a year ago in what some might consider a lavish affair...it was one of those packages at an ocean-front luxury hotel, so it was quite expensive, although her parents considered it a value because of the convenience of having everything all in one place and handled by an on-site coordinator. it was way more than i had expected or envisioned, but one thing that i think was good for us was this: because we knew the enormity of the cost of the wedding, we made extra effort to prepare ourselves in every way we could prior to the event. we did not want ourselves, our parents, or our guests to marvel at the beauty of our wedding and then question the wisdom of such an affair because of hanging issues of finances, commitment, maturity, etc. as a result, on the day of our wedding we were all extremely at ease and were able to really enjoy the luxuries that we paid and worked so hard for. i encourage any engaged couple to really work through those tough issues prior to the wedding...that way you will able to enjoy the wedding, no matter the cost, as a reward for the investment you've both put into your relationship. for my wife and i, our expensive wedding just gave us more pressure to work hard, but it was well worth it in the end.
22. Dennis had the following to say on May 31 at 5:29 PM:
OK,
So I'm an old timer :) Already married off my three daughters, but not my three sons. When many of my friends were married there wasn't money for lavish productions. We were a very young church (all under 30). We had most of the weddings in the church, and then the receptions in the fellowship hall. All the receptions were pitch in's with a few fancy cakes. My wedding was a bit more elaborate, but still a small town country affair. My daughters were mixed, two elaborate, and one in a chapel in Northern KY, webcast for all the people who couldn't be there. All the ceremonies had positive aspects. I will say however, as a parent, it was hard to see my kids spend as much as a inexpensive car, or house down payment, on something that, while special, is very trasitory in the scope of your life. I find the more important thing to be a careful, respectful courtship, learning how to truely give honor and dignity to each other. If the right foundations are laid, then, as a father, I wouldn't care if my kids eloped, as long as the proper foundations were in place for marriage. BTW, the Orthodox view the service for the sacrament of marrage as the act of the Church giving her blessing and support for what is already being revealed in the heavenlies.
23. Brynna had the following to say on May 31 at 6:31 PM:
I love the point that v@v made! I think any and all weddings will be obsessed over to some extent, whether they have to be perfect and costly, or minimal and frugal. God forbid someone judge a lavish wedding because someone spent more money on it than they could have! I think that is called jealousy.
24. Marci had the following to say on May 31 at 7:04 PM:
Hey All!
Here's my struggle: one girl in my church got married 4 years back and spend over $25,000 on her wedding ....and now the pressure's on for all us other brides to 'top' this. Another girl got married last week and spent half this amount, but it has been unanimously agreed that since her food was better, the dessert lavish, and the MC's amazing, she had the better wedding. My boyfriend and I are *trying* to avoid these comparisons and stick to our budget for our special day. We have decided that when we get married, we want to do it for $10,000. My mom has seven brothers and sisters and my dad has eight brothers and sisters - and when you start looking at their kids, their kids kids etc, you start to realize how hard it becomes to have an inexpensive wedding while feeding family alone! My boyfriends family is smaller, but still considerable.
I had the crushing moment a few months ago when I told my mom I wanted a small wedding - she looked at me, shook her head and said "Marci, your family alone will take the guest list to around 150 people or more, so put it out of your mind."
I've heard some of you talk about having a dessert reception - I LOVE dessert, and wish I could do this...but that would be unheard of culturally. My mom and aunt just gave me one stern look and told me that I'd better be having a dinner reception (which, of course, is so much more expensive!).
We really want to honor God and spend money wisely, but I think my parents feel the pressure to give me a good wedding - they don't want it said that they gave their daughter away poorly. But at the same time, my boyfriend and I will be expected to foot the majority of the bill (don't ask; I'm not sure how this works myself lol...)Do any posters have tips about how to have a wedding for $10,000 and get all the family and friends fed? I really want to honor my parents and balance things, but I keep getting stuck on this issue...everyone says it'll be our day, so we should do what we want...but is this really how it works out?
Pointers welcome & Blessings to All!
25. Samuel PG had the following to say on May 31 at 7:07 PM:
As a guy, the wedding day has never been a big deal to my mind. I look forward to the whole married and parenting thing, just not so much the one day. When I do find the lady, I want her to be completely happy but I also hope that her happiness entails a low-budget wedding. I echo the sentiment of all those above who warn against a wedding putting the new couple (or their parents) into debt, but it seems as if an important Christian principle has been left out from the entire conversation so far.
How can we, as Christians, justify pouring thousands of dollars into an elaborate one-day celebration when we have brothers and sisters all around the globe who are struggling to survive day-to-day. Wouldn't it be a beautiful and God-pleasing first act as a couple to cut back on wedding expenses and donate money that they would have otherwise spent to an orphanage or the digging of a well in a developing country? Even if we can afford large, elaborate weddings, perhaps they are not the best way to use our money for the Kingdom of God.
I realize many people have already had their weddings and many were probably large, so this is not meant as a guilt trip, but for those who have not yet wedded perhaps we should consider how we can best honor God with our finances in this arena too.
26. James had the following to say on May 31 at 8:00 PM:
I remember my parents telling me about their wedding (and they even have pictures....but only a few). They had it sunday morning as part of the sunday morning worship (but instead of a baptism, there was a wedding). They walked down the aisle with the choir (episcopal church), and essentially all those invited were those at church on Sunday (the invitations sent out were addressed to "the congregation"). They left the church singing WITH the choir (they met in the choir as well). Heck, my mother even wore BLUE (her favorite color) instead of white. I still laugh when I see pictures of the reception, b/c my dad has this mustache.
I came along 4.5 years later.
My parents will have been married for 27 years this July.
I hope to have about as simple a wedding whenever I get married (though it won't be the same....I'm no longer an Episcopalian), though personally I do hope my bride wears white. And it won't be during a sunday service. But it will be in a church, and a broad, general, simple (yet nice and elegant) invitation will be sent out.
However, I'll be the groom. It's usually the bride's mother who stereotypically takes tyrannical control of the wedding planning (though if my fiance and I are getting fed up with her, I'll have no problem putting my foot down and setting terms to her mother).
27. Rana had the following to say on May 31 at 8:20 PM:
Let's hear it for BIG, FANCY ceremonies!
You only get one.
If you are (like me) a virgin who has saved herself for this day, you deserve a big celebration. You deserve to have your every girlhood dream come true on this day.
It's your day!
SHINE!
28. Andrew had the following to say on May 31 at 9:10 PM:
My wife and I were married in February 2007.
Because she's from another country it was too far for her family to attend the wedding and we had a party there before the real wedding in Australia.
We organised the whole thing ourselves (along with family and friends). No organising company and it was really personal and special.
I think the most wonderful thing was that almost everything was contributed by friends - decorations, food, reception venue, flowers, pastor, cars, cake, photography, everything. Some charged, some didn't. Apart from being cheaper, this is superb because I love the thought that everybody from my church family contributed, and it's because of their love and generosity that it all came together.
It wasn't an event 'produced' by the bride and groom for the guests, but it was a family gathering together in celebration.
29. erin had the following to say on May 31 at 10:05 PM:
I'm getting married this Saturday, and we are having a fairly nice wedding, but I don't feel at all that's it's lead me to be less prepared for marriage than someone who has a smaller wedding. I'm blessed to have parents who are rather well-off financially, and they are wonderfully supportive and godly people, as are my soon-to-be in-laws (that's a lot of hyphens!). I was working on my master's for the whole of our engagement, 300 miles away from my fiancee and the location of our wedding, and so I was fortunate enough to find a place that handles everything (food, cakes, decorations, flowers) all in one place, and because the place has limited seating, we have a guest list of 150, which keeps costs down more than having my wedding at church, where we would have put an open invitation in the bulletin and ended up with a lot more people. I printed out the programs myself, we're using CDs for the music and one of my friends is singing, and we got a lot of the "accessories" (guest book, ring pillow, flower girl basket, etc.) fairly cheap through Oriental Trading Company.
All of this to say that I don't feel the wedding has distracted my fiancee and I from our relationship, partly because my wedding planning has been relatively stress-free and uncomplicated, but partly because we've been working on our relationship over long-distance, which has allowed us to develop great communication skills. We also took a pre-marital counseling class, which I don't think enough people take advantage of. It was so great to have someone older and wiser than us to sit down with us and talk to us about our expectations and things to think about and pray about as we plan for a life together. I think some sort of pre-marital counseling coupled with intentional communication factors into a successful marriage more than a small wedding. I can certainly see the possibility of a grandiose wedding negatively affecting the relationship, but I don't think that has to be the case.
30. Jonathan from Canada had the following to say on Jun 1 at 6:28 AM:
I think the wedding industry starts going after girls early on. It's not high school guys who flip through wedding catalogs.
Getting married is not in my near future plans but I already know what kind of tux I'm wearing to my wedding: any that plain black tux that fits. Of course, she'll have veto powers since she's probably been thinking about it since she was 15.
31. Alison D. had the following to say on Jun 1 at 7:50 AM:
Okay, I'm going to be very unpopular here for saying this, but my wedding cost just under $35,000. There were several reasons for this: location (big city=more expensive for everything), my dad's tenderhearted generosity, our desire to celebrate with those who had witnessed God's hand on our relationship, and, most importantly, we chose to spend *money* rather than *time*. Because we hired professionals to do everything (except that I coordinated up until the day of the wedding), a lot of stress was relieved, so that my fiance and I could spend time working on our relationship. It also helped that he was out of town during half of our engagement--we had lots of great conversations that way. We also strove very hard to keep things in perspective. We had many "wedding-talk-off-limits" days to make sure we didn't get too wrapped up in the wedding rather than the marriage. Overall, I refused to get too stressed out by reminding myself, "As long as we end up married, that's the only thing that really matters."
Have I been to other beautiful, touching, God-glorifying weddings that cost much less? Of course! Have I been to inexpensive weddings where the bride and groom got so focused on the wedding that they forgot that they were getting married? Yes!
I think that the really issue is one of the heart. Where is your heart? On earthly things like dresses that tailors can butcher or cakes that might be forgotten or weather that might turn sour? Or are you focusing and preparing for the biggest commitment of your life? (after our commitment to the Lord, of course)
32. Michelle S had the following to say on Jun 1 at 9:15 AM:
My husband and I got married in Dec 2005, when we were both 21 and full time college students. I was on a co-op work term working full time the semester before the wedding and he was very busy with school, so we didn't have a ton of time to figure out how to make things as cheap as possible. We spent about $15,000 including rings, honeymoon, and everything. We were not fortunate enough to have any friends or relatives help us plan, but we were very fortunate to receive a lot of cash gifts, which covered over half the cost of the wedding. We did not buy an engagement ring for me, something that people still think is very, very strange, but I really don't want that much money hanging out on my finger. We have matching wedding bands, which we both love. Our honeymoon was a 3 night stay in a cabin a couple hours from home. I made and printed the invitations and programs. We did not serve alcohol. We were not planning to have a videographer, but a friend asked to do it for free so we let him and it turned out great. We wanted the wedding itself to be fun and enjoyable for our 100 guests, so that is where we spent the money. We originally wanted a tiny (<50 people) wedding, but soon discovered that there was no way we could do that. We spent over $3000 on photography, but that was worth it to us and we sent pictures to all our close friends and family members. If we were planning our wedding now, I would do a lot more to make it cheaper, since I have graduated from college and have the time and energy to do so. At the time of our wedding, it was more important to me to keep my sanity and just spend the money than try to do a bunch of things myself.
I don't think the quality of our marriage has anything to do with the amount of money we spent on our wedding. The type of wedding we had was more related to the time we had available to plan it than anything else. I'm sure it would have been much different it we had gotten married a year earlier or later because we would have been in different places in our lives. I doubt our actual marriage would be better or worse had our wedding been more or less expensive. We've always had a wonderful relationship.
33. a had the following to say on Jun 1 at 9:36 AM:
We had a lovely 300 guest wedding for about $6,000. My mother-in-law made my dress and bridesmaids dresses as part of her gift to me (they were much more modest than anything we found in stores). We got silk flowers on sale which my mother arranged. We designed our own invitations and programs, and our ceremony musicians were friends who had MA's in Music Performance. Our wedding ceremony was quite traditional, in my home church, which only asked for a $100 donation for janitorial services, and the pastors didn't charge us (although we gave them each $25 restaurant gift cards). The reception was in a church gym (all decorated by my mother and me). We asked the caterer to do chicken and pork BBQ sandwiches with side dishes and a retired lady made our beautiful cake. Our big expense was our photographer (we got the cheapest package and had a friend take candids at the reception) and our very basic wedding rings. We didn't have music or dancing at the reception--people were too busy talking to notice!! We were most concerned that our wedding be a symbol of Christ's love for the Church and our desire to work together for the Glory of God. The most important thing for engaged people (especially women) to remember is to focus on your marriage and not worry about the wedding. Enjoy your time of engagement and have fun! It can be done, trust me!
Word of caution: if it says "wedding" it will be expensive.
Instead of a traditional wedding cake topper ($38), I bought tiny teddy bears and dressed them as a bride and groom ($15). Instead of a wedding guest book ($40), I found a pretty journal and covered it with leftover fabric from my wedding dress and used a silver pen from the Dollar Store ($10). And I found a pretty cake server at a local department store for less than half the price of a wedding cake server.
Hope someone out there can use some of these suggestions. God bless!
34. Vincenzo had the following to say on Jun 1 at 9:45 AM:
When my mom and stepdad got married they did it for under 5k, and that was with a small turnout, church catering, etc. I also know a couple who just went down to the court house and eloped. I think it is up to the couple to decide on what they can afford. Personally, I wouldn't mind just calling up my pastor and asking him to marry us right there on the front porch, and put the thousands we would have spent into an investment of some type.
BTW, has anyone seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding? I thought it was hilarious. Greeks and Italians are alike in many ways.
35. John had the following to say on Jun 1 at 10:13 AM:
"How can we, as Christians, justify pouring thousands of dollars into an elaborate one-day celebration when we have brothers and sisters all around the globe who are struggling to survive day-to-day."
Very good question.
36. Lindsey had the following to say on Jun 1 at 10:55 AM:
Jonathan....you bring up a good point about girls being targeted early. But just so you know, whomever you marry has probably been planning her wedding since she was 5, not 15. :)
I do agree that the state of the bride's and groom's heart and where they place their priorities is the best determining factor in the success of their marriage - not the cost of the wedding. And if God is the center of their lives and relationship, their marriage will thrive no matter what kind of wedding they have.
But, I have to say, that if I had $20,000 to spare, I would feel guilty about spending it all on one day that is centered around me. Even though one may HAVE the money to do it, doesn't mean they should do it. Yes, weddings are a big day in the life of a couple (especially the girl), and they should be a big deal. It is a celebration of a Godly union and time spent with close family and friends. But, you can honor God, celebrate, and spend time with family and friends for WAY under $20,000.
Also, I can't help but think of a million other things to do with $20,000. Save for the future. Feed hungry children. Help a needy family in your community or church. The list could go on. So, what is so wrong with having an equally beautiful $5,000 wedding and doing something for someone else with the other $15,000? Your friends and family are there to enjoy you and your big day. They aren't going to care that the tulips are imported from Holland or bought at your local florist. And unless you tell them, they probably won't even know.
Another problem I have with stressfull, fussy weddings, is that by the time the day comes, the bride and groom are so worn out, they just want to get out of there as soon as possible. Or they are concerned with getting all the perfect pictures or whatever.....they never take time to enjoy the guests that have traveled from out of town, taken time out of their lives, and spent time and money buying nice wedding gifts. I, having been to LOTS of weddings, have noticed this a lot. I go to a wedding and reception and when I try to congratulate the couple, I might get a quick "Hi", and they move on to someone else. Then later, they have no recollection of who was there or who they talked to! You invite your guests to come see you! The least you can do is show appreciation for them being there to celebrate with you.
So, No, pricey weddings don't equal failed marriages. But, they usually don't equal the best decision either.
37. cnaphan had the following to say on Jun 1 at 10:58 AM:
Christianity essentially has Jewish, Greek and Latin roots. That leaves us no room to have have small weddings.
I strongly dislike the notion of simply announcing your vows in a service, and it reeks of the modern notion that marriage is a contract between two individuals. It's the union of two families, and as such, the family needs to be invited. The couple is just the point of fusion.
I'm not advocating expensive weddings, but for goodness' sake, invite your families and throw a party! Forget about the frills, maybe, but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. My wedding was 5K for 100 people, and I still consider it the best day of my life.
38. Jan had the following to say on Jun 1 at 10:59 AM:
I think that preparing for a wedding can be a life lesson in preparing for marriage. You learn to make decisions together, you learn to interact with each other's families, you learn what is important to one another, etc.
I think the style of the wedding is not really an issue. There is a time and place for lavish celebrations, and there is sometimes wisdom in keeping things simple and inexpensive. Some people have the time and connections to do things themselves; others hire people so they don't have to worry about things.
As long as a couple is seeking to glorify God and honor one another I think that they will make good decisions together regarding their wedding.
39. Anonymous had the following to say on Jun 1 at 11:29 AM:
Rana,
Your comments are somewhat troubling to me. With all due respect, I don't think you are more deserving of a "big celebration" than anyone else: "...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23, NASB) Thoughts can be just as sinful as actions (see Matthew 5:28), and everyone is guilty of committing thought life sins from time to time. And I don't know the degree to which this applies to you, but the word virgin has various meanings nowadays (see the comments posted to "Almost Everybody Is Doing It" for reference).
40. Julia had the following to say on Jun 1 at 12:02 PM:
My husband and I were married 3 years ago (in a week) and we did it for under $6000 including the rings and honeymoon. Our wedding was simple yet beautiful and even though it was a bit more work it was worth it. (I made the bouquets, flower arrangements, and my family and I catered a simple meal of snadwiches, salads and homemade carrot cake - delicous!)
We focused on making the service a time of worship and reverence. The reception was held in our church basement. Our local assembly was very gracious and did not charge anything for the use of the chruch for the wedding or reception and our elder married us for free. I don't understand why a church would charge for this - isn't that part of an elder/pastor's job?
My brother-in-law was recently married for just under $50. Mind you, he and his wife are simple people and a backyard wedding followed up with a bbq totally suited them.
To be honest, I have a lot more fun at simple weddings, surrounded by close family and friends than I do at lavish, large events surrounded by "almost strangers."
In the end, the lavishness of the wedding is up to the couple, but we are called to use our gifts and finances wisely. Is taking out a loan for a party really all that worth it?
41. Christine had the following to say on Jun 1 at 12:33 PM:
Marci,
So far no one has directly answered your question, so I hope I can help you a little. First of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish your family could accept your desire to honor God, and support that by "allowing" you to have a simple wedding. Your lack of need to compete with those other girls or bring attention to yourself is certainly God-honoring.
Here are a few things my husband (I've been married for 5 months) and I did to keep our costs low:
We used a photographer who is a photography teacher at a little Bible college near us. He is not a professional, but did a great job for $500.
Our reception had a Picnic theme, which made the food a lot cheaper. We had BBQ beef & pork, chips, jello salad, veggies, lemonade instead of punch and cupcakes instead of a big cake. Most of that food was made by people in the church or my relatives.
We did not have a wedding party (bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc...). This was a hard decision to make, and we ultimately did it this way for the simplicity (as opposed to the cost). But we wanted the church to feel that they were all our witnesses, and we did not want the grief that comes with chosing some people and not others to be in the wedding.
My dress was one of those bridesmaids dresses that you can order in any color (most wedding stores order from them). I had a very simple white dress to which my mom added a little trim. My husband already owned a black suit, and I bought him a tie to match the flowers.
We made our invitations with cardstock, scrapbooking paper, vellum paper and ribbon with a postcard inside for people to mail back. They were very cute and weighed in at the 39 cent postage rate.
We were blessed to have a pastor (and therefore a church to use) and musicians in the family along with people to take videos and extra pictures.
So, I hope these ideas help you. And I hope you two can graciously put your foot (feet? :) down on the things you simply can't afford or think would go against your desire to draw the attention to Christ. Besides, if someone really insists that you have something you don't want, she can pay for it herself! (If only it were that simple, right?) Best wishes as you plan your special, wonderful, Christ-honoring day!
42. KimberlyEddy had the following to say on Jun 1 at 1:18 PM:
I couldn't agree more! If you can afford it easily, I don't see anything sinful about it...but to plan a wedding that puts you deep in debt just seems irresponsible. I never cared for weddings, and my dream was always to elope.
We were married 15 years ago, after a 4 month long engagement. First we were going to elope but everyone we knew got mad at us. Then, we only wanted about 30 people at our wedding, and we wanted to be in dressy clothes but no "wedding gear". When my parents and future in-laws protested, I bought a wedding gown off the rack ($500).
Our 30 person guest list grew under pressure from both sides of parents. In hindsight, I wish we would have both been stronger,and not buckled to their demands, so as to reduce the stress all of it caused. It is after all MY wedding and it should have been done MY way. My in-laws were upset that all 500 of their closest relatives weren't invited (most of whom even my husband doesn't know), so we made them trim the list to 75 for each side (they still are upset about it and brought it up just last weekend!).
Martin and I worked hard to lower the cost of the wedding. Our families were very pushy about what they wanted but neither side was willing to pay the bill they kept raising. Overall I think we spent under $1000, but that was due to some creativity on our part:
I didn't read some bridal magazine that would make me discontent. Very important!
We didn't decorate the church.
Our pastor didn't charge us.
We rented a cheap hall ($100 for the afternoon--and I didn't tell them it was for a wedding or else the price would have been $600)
We ordered pizza for our wedding. I think that is the point upon which my mother still hasn't forgiven me, but it is my husband's favorite food. :-)
A friend made a simple sheet cake.
A co-worker made my bouquet from silk flowers
I looked at the dresses at the clearance rack first.
My bridesmaids wore simple dresses that can be worn any other day of the week, which we all picked out together at a department store.
My in-laws are wedding photographers that did the formal pictures, which is the only reason why we had them.
Our music was my stereo, with 5 CDs in it, set to shuffle. We didn't want music in the wedding itself. We wanted a nice quick ceremony.
I made my veil from some things I found at Jo Ann Fabrics and Crafts...I'm glad I didn't spend too much money on it as I wound up catching it on fire with the unity candle, so it wasn't on my head for longer than 30 minutes. :-) All future brides--watch that unity candle!!! My kids still like watching the Video tape of that part.
43. BDB had the following to say on Jun 1 at 1:32 PM:
cnaphan wrote:
>>Christianity essentially has Jewish, Greek and Latin roots. That leaves us no room to have have small weddings.<<
Ha! I've been to a Greek wedding - that was an experience!
Unfortunately, the marriage didn't last - very troubling. Gets right to the heart of the original post here.
Julia wrote:
>>I don't understand why a church would charge for this - isn't that part of an elder/pastor's job?<<
Well, it depends on whether the couple in question attends and supports the church. If they are regular givers, you'd probably see churches be pretty accomodating. But when someone shows up at a church and immediately wants a free wedding...well, it's a fair amount of work, cleaning expense, etc.
I do agree with Jan:
>>I think that preparing for a wedding can be a life lesson in preparing for marriage. <<
The couples I know with the best marriages executed pretty smooth weddings, too. There's a whole set of decision-making practice that they put into it ahead of time. I do think that one of the fatal flaws of "dating" is that it is not a good way to really understand how someone makes decisions and adapt to that.
44. BDB had the following to say on Jun 1 at 2:07 PM:
Marci wrote:
>>But at the same time, my boyfriend and I will be expected to foot the majority of the bill <<
It's a little hard to suggest that you do what I would do...I have a really powerful personality and, frankly, once I make a decision, my family knows not to question it. (This approach has drawbacks...my staff will question a decision, they just know to do the math first and bring an alternative solution with their complaint.)
While I'm assuming there will be no financial assitance from my family whenever I'm in this situation, I've never brought the subject up.
If someone from the extended family were to start making expensive demands, I'd probably first nicely say something like, "we've decided to go in a different direction." If they kept pressing, I'd sit them down and ask how much they were willing to contribute. If the answer is nothing, then I'd ask them to hold their tongue - it's not their decision. But I'd do this at least three months before the wedding so they had time to calm down.
The nicer way is to do up a budget for all the things people want,then go to the people who want those things, and show them the budget, and ask them for a check - right there on the spot. "Aunt Edna, your portion is - $4000. If you can give me a check right now I can place the deposit with the caterer." And just sit quietly. If they don't want to pony up, well, then you can get into a discussion about what is realistic.
I do think that some of this is part of the whole "leaving and cleaving" thing. You will need to draw boundaries with your parents and family, otherwise they will meddle in your marriage, too. These can be the same kind of relatives who pressure you to go on an expensive vacation with them when it would break your budget. It can be especially difficult if they CAN afford to do things you can't and they refuse to be respectful of the fact that not everyone is worshipping money.
The closest example is my mother telling me that I needed a sports car because I'm single. Granted, she's retired and they have a few sports cars. I simply said that I had a vehicle appropriate for hauling people to lunch, something I do in my job a lot. (I suppose I should have asked her to buy me a Corvette. I hadn't thought of that.)
And, if you've read this far, here's a couple practical tips:
1) My mom can sew in silk. My sister spent a few hundred dollars on material, and my mom made the dress. It would have cost thousands to buy something similar. After the wedding, she entered it in a contest at the fair and won 2nd place. But maybe there's a way to ask people what they are willing to do to help defray costs.
2) Don't serve alcohol. Cuts a few thousand dollars right off the top. My two best friends didn't serve alcohol at their weddings. I didn't even notice - I was too busy talking to people. Maybe the drinkers noticed. Prevents some disasters, too.
3) Consider a destination wedding. I know a couple who did this - it was less expensive to go to Mexico - cut the wedding down to 60 people, too. Another couple went to Maui. Part of her family lived in Hawaii, and his closest family was happy for the vacation. Only a handful of friends made the trip. Great dinner, though.
If you're in a situation where the family expects you to pay for a huge party for them, anything you do might irritate the family.
Finally, pray about it and ask God to give you the words to say to the relevant people. If you're operating on the budget you think God wants you to live within, He can make a way to smooth the other aspects.
45. Lis had the following to say on Jun 1 at 2:51 PM:
My grandparents got married on board the yacht captained by my grandmother's father.
My parents got married under a huge tree in front of the white farmhouse where my mom grew up. (The piano was on the front porch!) She and her aunt made the dress, and her sister and his best friend were the only attendants. (Later, romantically enough, they got married too, but that's another story). A friend made the cake; probably other friends did the flowers and photos). They sped off on their honeymoon in a little yellow Volkswagon Beetle while their friends stayed for a volleyball weekend at the farm.
I was just at a wedding last night: in somebody's backyard, facing the Old City of Jerusalem. The bride and groom came in with bagpipes and a huppah (wedding canopy) carried by four of his friends. (Can you guess their respective ethnic backgrounds?) It was the shortest and most relaxed wedding I've ever been to - plenty of laughter, blessings in Hebrew and English, and a barbecue reception afterwards for the forty-ish folks who showed up.
I suspect that the important things are (in no particular order):
*feeling at home with the setting
*God's presence
*enjoying each other and the folks who show up
Oh, and good pictures!
:O)
46. Anonymous had the following to say on Jun 1 at 3:16 PM:
My husband and I were engaged for 4 months, and spent only 1 month planning. Little girls do start planning their weddings at 5, but in my case, it worked in our favor. I knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't care about. Planning goes quickly when you don't spend too much time thinking and just get it done! It also helps to just decide an amount that you are going to spend (and be realistic) and budget accordingly. My Dad told me I had $7,000 and anything else was on me. We stuck to it and had a ceremony and cake reception for 400, a dinner reception for 180, and a party bus for our wedding party of 20. (Yes, we had alot of attendants!)My best advice is to pick what means the most to you and spend the money on that and don't worry about the rest. I didn't care about tons of decorations, so we went the cheap route on those. I didn't care about the invitations, so I got them on clearance at Target and printed them at home. Cost for 250 invitations: $40. Everything turned out to be amazing, even though we didn't spend much money. We had simple flowers, votive candles and white lights borrowed from everyone we knew and it was like a fairyland. Pictures meant alot to me, but I was not willing to pay $1200 for them. Luckily one of my bridesmaid's sisters is a photographer and did them for $300. It's actually kind of fun to see what good deals you can hunt down. Ladies from our church managed a great dinner reception, with all the food either homemade or bought from Costco. (Their party trays are a good deal) Looking back, our wedding was such a wonderful example of how the church blesses and serves one another. So many people did so much to help and in turn, our desire was to bless people with our wedding, to make it enjoyable for them. It ended up being a wonderful time of beginning our life together, surrounded by the people we loved. (And it was an awesome party too--another hint: don't book a dj, just borrow some big speakers and plug in a laptop)
47. Leah had the following to say on Jun 1 at 10:52 PM:
I don't agree with the idea that "the more time and effort a couple devotes to picking out the perfect invitation, favor, or limousine service, the less they work on their compatibility during the critical period of engagement."
Your engagement time, while being important in developing your relationship further, should not be all about making your relationship compatible. You should know already how compatible you are! That's why you're getting married! You have years and years to work on your relationship! You only have 6 months (or whatever) to put together your wedding, that will only happen once, that you will remember forever.
I agree with anonymous- "pick what means the most to you and spend the money on that and don't worry about the rest."
My boyfriend's best friend just got married last weekend. They had their wedding in his church with her minister; the reception was at her house in their (large) backyard (they had 160 guests); they hired caterers, a marquee, a coldroom and a port-a-loo (her parents paid); we danced on the open grass!; the suits were hired, the groomsmen paid for their own ties; a friend did the photos (I have the feeling she did get paide but it would have been at a discount); friends (including myself) provided the music/singing at the church; the music at the reception was a computer plugged into amps and speakers borrowed from a local (and very well known) audio business (one of their employees are good friends with the groom); their honeymoon was given to them by his parents as a wedding present. I don't know how much it all ended up costing, but they were certainly resourceful.
48. James had the following to say on Jun 2 at 7:35 AM:
Rana, your comment about you "deserving" a big wedding disturbs me.
What is the purpose of the wedding ceremony? Well, first off, it's not just about the bride, but ALSO about the groom. Why don't you consider him as well.
Second, and even more importantly, beyond the two getting married, isn't there someone involved who is FAR more important and demanding of EVERYONE'S attention? That person being God!
The wedding ceremony is a church WORSHIP service. Your demands for a huge, lavish wedding on the grounds that you deserve it smack of conceit and a forgetting that the wedding is really supposed to be worship first.
The correct perspective is ever so important here. Yes, the ceremony celebrates the bringing together of two people, and so those two are partly a large focus for all in attendance. HOWEVER, it should be a focus on lifting those two up to God and thanking Him for bringing them together and praying that they would live their life together as a Godly model of the relationship between Christ and His Church.
49. Brooke had the following to say on Jun 2 at 9:24 AM:
I kind of find it offensive that someone thinks they can predict the outcome of the wedding based on how much planning and/or money went into it. If someone wants to put minimal thought and planning into their wedding why does it follow that they woudl do the opposite with their marriage?
50. Leah had the following to say on Jun 2 at 8:17 PM:
Rana, why do you deserve a fancy celebration anymore than a girl who isn't a virgin? Are you better than her? Of course not. Without Jesus, you are just as sinful and offensive to God as she is.
51. Rana had the following to say on Jun 3 at 10:35 AM:
I find it interesting that I have offended everyone by being proud of myself. In this sex-saturated society, I believe everyone who has somehow managed to stay pure even through high school should be proud of themselves! This is not intended as disrespectful to those who haven't, but saying that I shouldn't be proud of myself for keeping myself pure is offensive to me.
I am not conceited or vain, and I know that all (including myself) have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
But that is hardly the point.
My point was that I have carefully saved myself for many years for THAT day, and I want that day to be a huge celebration of godliness and love, uniting 2 families, 2 hearts, and 2 bodies in the eyes of God with all honor and joy. Is purity no longer something to be proud of? Is the eternal joining of 2 godly hearts no longer a cause for celebration?
That doesn't mean that an inexpensive wedding can't do that. I'm sure I'll have quite the budget to restrain me! However, I have no intentions of casually popping over to the courthouse in old clothes to tie the knot. This is a solemn and joyous occasion and should be treated as such.
Concerning my "deserving" a nice wedding. I do.
What is the purpose of a wedding?
Why don't I deserve that?
52. k. had the following to say on Jun 3 at 6:02 PM:
Rana--If it helps, you didn't offend me, although it did amuse me a little. :)
But to answer your question: no, you don't "deserve" a nice wedding. And I don't intend that to sound mean: nobody "deserves" a blow-out bash simply for keeping their clothes on, or for any other reason. The only times the bible mentions what we "deserve," it certainly isn't in the context of good things. I might be wrong, but I can't think of a single occasion on which the bible said to someone, "Hey, great job! Give yourself a pat on the back, and do something nice for yourself! Like throw a big party with yummy hors d’oeuvres!" (Even though parties are fun, and I appreciate great bruschetta as much as the next girl.)
It's great that you've been saving yourself. But it doesn't mean that you should get a bigger party than people who haven't. By the same token, if you had slept with two exes, you wouldn't automatically "deserve" a shotgun wedding at the local courthouse, with both of you attired in blue jeans, tees, and gloomy expressions.
Our culture seems a bit obsessed with weddings. It's worth pointing out that, historically, it hasn't always been that way. If you read biographies of early settlers, Pilgrims, Civil War contemporaries, Depression-era families, etc, you'll see that weddings were frequently low-key, and almost boring-sounding in contrast to today's.
I don't mean this to sound like I'm being preachy, or saying that you can't have a big, splashy wedding, because that’s not it at all (although it's definitely not my cup of tea). Have the wedding you want, with the people you want, in the style you want. Just remember that a wedding is joining two people together before God. Everything else is just details...and married is married, whether you get married in formal wear, scuba gear, or flip flops.
53. Leah had the following to say on Jun 3 at 6:48 PM:
Rana, what you DESERVE is to go to Hell, just like every other human on the planet. We deserve NOTHING MORE than that. The only reason we are alive, the only reason we have nice things, the only reason we even HAVE somebody to marry owes completely to God's goodness and graciousness to us. We deserve NONE of that.
I totally agree that we should celebrate saving ourselves for our wedding day. But that doesn't give you the right to be PROUD- Jesus condemns pride, remember? Pride comes before a fall? I totally agree with putting effort into a wedding and making it nice and memorable. But because I DESERVE it? NO!
54. Kelly had the following to say on Jun 3 at 9:18 PM:
Going on a tangent here - but I think we SHOULD applaud any girl/woman/boy/man who has managed to remain a virgin until her wedding night.
I think of all of the Christian young people I know... and so many of them have not waited. :( It breaks my heart and sometimes I think I'm the last virgin left standing.
Of course, people rarely speak of it, due to the 'shame' in Christian circles.
So I encourage all virgins to stand up and make their voice heard, show to others that it IS possible, and maybe things will start to change. I can only pray they will.
55. Keb had the following to say on Jun 3 at 11:18 PM:
I want this.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/06/03/AR2007060301240.html?hpid=sec-religion
56. Leah had the following to say on Jun 4 at 12:27 AM:
Kelly, yes, we shoudl applaud it, but it makes us no more deserving of pride or a 'fancy wedding'. Note, I am not saying fancy weddings are bad. I am simply saying we do not DESERVE it. We do not have a right to a fancy wedding. This doesn't mean we shouldn't have one (I think the only time it is wrong to have a fancy wedding is if it is financially unviable or unwise). I'm just saying we don't deserve it.
57. BDB had the following to say on Jun 4 at 12:38 AM:
Kelly wrote:
>>Going on a tangent here - but I think we SHOULD applaud any girl/woman/boy/man who has managed to remain a virgin until her wedding night. <<
Sure. Rana can spend a load of money on a party. Just finish the race first. Get married, THEN go inspire the girls in youth group - and tell them how you managed to make the right choices in the moment you had to make them. (Or, more likely, tell them they need to make their choice BEFORE they're in the heat of the moment.) Be humble until you finish the race. Then be loud.
"When pride comes, then comes shame; But with the humble is wisdom." Proverbs 11:2
58. Samuel PG had the following to say on Jun 4 at 1:10 AM:
Perhaps I should not set foot into this, but I will let folly be my guide for a few moments.
Leah, I understand your point in talking with Rana and I agree that all humans deserve nothing better than Hell. At the same time, you are dealing fairly harshly with Rana whom I assume you are not already very close friends with. Sharing the truth in love requires a love little love to be mixed into the batch.
Rana, the problem lies in the fact that we use words like "deserve" to have different meanings. You seem to be saying that the way our culture works you deserve a big wedding to celebrate a life of sexual purity. Of course that is right, in the same way that a man deserves a vacation for a year of hard word. In the theological realm however (which you risk crossing into by virtue of being on a Christian blog), it should be noted that no human deserves anything better than Hell and we therefore never have any right to complain of our circumstances. (Of course we can complain to God in prayer. There is no use hiding our feelings from Him and the psalmist did it too).
Also, it can sound incredibly ungracious to claim to deserve reward for having avoided a specific sin and therefore insinuating (likely without meaning to) that those who have sinned in that area are worse people.
I think we can all afford to be a bit more gracious on here.
59. Leah had the following to say on Jun 4 at 2:28 AM:
Samuel, I was saying what everybody deserves, not just an individual person.
60. Mandi had the following to say on Jun 4 at 9:15 AM:
Marci,
Check out "Fire your wedding planner" online. For each aspect of the wedding, the author goes through the wedding industry scams and how to get the most for your buck, easily saving you thousands.
One of the things she says at the outset, that I've realized as I've begun to plan for my own wedding, is that the vendors in this industry don't care about getting your repeat business and they usually act accordingly, and they're banking on a starry-eyed romantic girl who can be duped into paying their asking price in the hopes of having her "perfect wedding".
I'm finding it's a lot of fun to think creatively and use the tips I learned in that e-book to aim for a wedding around $10K (with the massive guest list that I have).
___________________________________
Rana et al.,
You've all actually got good points. I kind of emphathize with Rana, though God has come to teach me that sometimes that line of thinking can lead to taking the glory away from Him for the grace to have come this far, and taking my own eyes off *other* sins that I have done..and in the end, sin is sin, though some are more "compounded", if I can put it that way, because they involve many sins together to come to that point.
But I don't know that it's fair to dump on Rana this much because there definitely *are* girls out there for whom weddings are a casual affair precisely *because* they haven't waited (i.e., nothing special about it anymore, etc.).
61. Marci had the following to say on Jun 4 at 7:47 PM:
To Christine, BDB, Mandi, and A:
Thanks so much for the suggestions! It's true that I should stick to a budget that is wise, regardless of what family members might say. The point about asking them to pay up front if they insist on certain things is good - either way, I won't be paying for the extras they demand!
Also, the ideas you provided gave me a lot of food for thought - I now feel hopeful we can have a wedding within our budget...there were more options out there than I'd considered!
Blessings to All!
62. Lindsey had the following to say on Jun 6 at 3:16 PM:
Totally not related to the wedding chat but:
I love how everyone says they are saving themselves for their wedding night. Aren't we supposed to save ourselves because God commands it? So, shouldn't we be saving ourselves for Him???
63. Leah had the following to say on Jun 6 at 11:17 PM:
Lindsey, it depends what you mean by "for". "For" could mean the actual thing, or person, that will benefit (ie. your husband/wedding night) or it could mean the reason behind the choice (whether it be God/ parental advice/ whatever).
Therefore, saying you are saving yourself for your husband is completely ok, I'm sure God woudl have no problems with that. Same with saying you're saving yourself for your wedding night. Same with saying you're saving yourself for God.
Maybe a metaphor would help: Say Jane asked Matthew to save $15 to give to Kelly. Matthew could say "I am saving $15 for Kelly" or he could say "I am saving $15 for Jane"- both of which are true.
64. Khalilah had the following to say on Jun 13 at 10:15 AM:
I am a Christian business owner of an event planning business, and have had the opportunity to plan weddings in excess of $40,000. Unfortunately, I have to agree that those who focus a great deal of time on their wedding fail to focus on their marriage to the same degree. Ironically, my husband and I chose not to have a large wedding. We had difficulty in narrowing down our list without offending family and friends, so noone was present except the minister, organist, and photographer. We took a nice honeymoon, saved money which went toward the purchase of our first home, and we feel we started our marriage off understanding that God and each other were most important in our marriage!
65. Mandi had the following to say on Jun 20 at 8:57 AM:
Over the past week, I've been panicking in the midst of planning for our 3-months-away wedding. I'd sinfully been feeling "jinxed" by the semi-lavishness of the wedding.
Then my fiance pointed out to me that perhaps the people who can afford spending $25-50K+ are also people who put (or at least CAN put) their trust in riches, instead of God. The Bible tells us that such fall, and cannot inherit the Kingdom of Heaven (and to trust in God instead). So it's no wonder their marriages are more likely to fail.
Of course that doesn't mean being irresponsible or stupid with negotiating prices..which I guess I should get back to...argh!
66. Marissa had the following to say on Jun 27 at 5:20 PM:
Laura said: "This whole ten bridesmaids, $20,000 in debt, a 350-person guest list, an out-of-control, greedy gift registry thing... what does any of that have to do with expressing the mystery of Christ and his love for the Church (Eph 5:32)?"
Well, first off, unless some things change, I will probably be having a very low-budget wedding. And I will not allow debt raked up for the wedding day.
BUT... 350 guests is not always a sign of a lavish wedding. I only come from a family of six, but family alone would get the count up high pretty quickly. Almost all my friends come from a large (average 4-13 children) family, and, I would love to marry someone from a large family. And when the families are that size, you don't have to have too many family friends to up the guest count. I would never consider excluding the children.
And I would have to have 4 bridesmaids just to include MY sisters, not mentioning any sisters my husband would have.
Of course, it makes things easier when the bride and groom have most of the same friends, but that doesn't always happen. One friend had 700+ people at her wedding. But they weren't being showy or extravagant - it was just how many people they had to invite! The bride & groom came from large families, a 300 person church, had some different circles of friends, and were socially active. They each had eight attendants, I think, but only one was not immediate family (a close friend). They didn't go into debt for it, or spend a down-payment-equivalent on it.
I think a wedding of 700 would easily overwhelm me. But what I'm saying, Laura, is that sometimes large weddings can't be helped. And they don't necessarily mean extravagance or greed.
As for how to manage the low-budget, high guest wedding I am likely to have? There are better ways to cut costs than skimp on guests.
For example:
- My sister is super with decorations (and I enjoy decorating and stuff too - but I'd like to keep the decorating very simple, anyway).
- The same sister is very good at organizing and planning lovely, cost-effective, large-scale meals. But I would love a simple afternoon picnic-style buffet. But hey, with the crowd we hang with, I doubt anyone would mind having a potluck if we had to! I wouldn't have it professionally catered.
- The same sister (and several friends) decorates cakes beautifully. But since I'm not a cake fan, I don't even care about having a cake at all, unless my husband wants it! : )
- The same sister, my mom, and several friends love to sew, so I'm very open to bridesmaid dress and such being homemade.
- Another sister is working on her photography skills - who knows, by the time I get married, she may be pretty professional at it! But whatever the case, I do want some pictures. That is one of the things that would mean most to me. But these days, with digital photography, you can make some CD's, print the ones you really want, and keep the rest on disk! : )
- I do not want limos or fancy cars.
- We set up/clean up ourselves. We and our friends are more than willing to help one another out at stuff like this.
- We don't drink alcohol, so we would not serve it.
- We wouldn't have dancing at the reception, and I'd prefer not to have music there, either. I just don't think it be conducive to fellowship. And big families don't need entertainment anyway. ; )
- This would be entirely up to the groom, but I don't think tuxes are necessary. Regular black suits with ties would work, I should think.
- I couldn't imagine paying thousands of dollars for my wedding dress.
- As for ceremony music, I would love it to be done by friends... makes it more meaningful. Otherwise, it will probably be CD's if that can't be arranged.
- I'm not really interested in a big genuine-diamond ring. Pretty and delicate, yes, (preferably not a solid band) but pretty doesn't always have to equal a person's life-savings. (And I'd rather have silver than gold.) I'd be scared to wear that much money on my finger!
- Invitations could be designed by me, or perhaps one of my several friends that specialize in graphic design. Or, we sisters have fun making cards and such with scrapbook paper and cardstock from amazing after-Thanksgiving-Day sales! ; )
- We're a "crafty" family and could easily spruce up dollar store stuff for accessories, guestbooks, and such. I don't care that it's from the dollar store - it's fun to save money! : )
- I would really prefer a simple honeymoon (I really wouldn't care if it was just spent in our new home together with the phones turned off!).
All in all, my idea is a largish but simple wedding. Small enough to get to mingle and fellowship with family & friends a bit, but I realize I'm not going to get a little 100 person wedding. I'm quite sure all that'll really matter to me is marrying my beloved... and having some pictures of it. : ) But I do want my family and friends there.
Just one more thing I saw above with which I would tend to agree:
cnaphan said:
"I strongly dislike the notion of simply announcing your vows in a service, and it reeks of the modern notion that marriage is a contract between two individuals. It's the union of two families, and as such, the family needs to be invited. The couple is just the point of fusion.
I'm not advocating expensive weddings, but for goodness' sake, invite your families and throw a party! Forget about the frills, maybe, but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater."