How Are Singles Groups Doing?

In last week's Boundless e-newsletter (take a look at it here, and get your free subscription to it here), I asked readers to give us their impressions of their singles groups. How are they doing a great job? How could they do better?

Some 50 of you sent me your stories. Thank you! Some of you told me about the cool things your church offers for singles. Others provided suggestions on how they might improve their singles ministry.

Here are some excerpts:

During bible studies and worship services for this age group, it would be great if we sometimes focused on issues that apply specifically to us (and are often neglected during "regular" church services) like being marriage-ready, and how to start and maintain a godly relationship, and what it means to have God at the center of a relationship.

* * *

I think it would be very helpful for singles to be purposely included in groups with married people, whether it's small groups, Sunday school, or whatever form it takes in a particular church. At one church I visited for a couple of months, I became very frustrated by the isolation of the singles, which seemed to contribute to a complete disconnection from the realities of normal family life and relating to other people. Family life forces reality on individuals, and when we singles can escape that reality, we often do--to our own detriment.

* * *

Once a month people from all small groups come together for organized worship and a short Word; and afterwards fellowship and food. We've found a way to combine the small groups through the church, giving opportunity for all the ages, races, sexes, married, and unmarried to interact.

* * *

I hear all the time that this is a time in my life where God wants to use me for his service. So I get called on to do a lot of volunteering, which most of the time is fine. I don't mind. But after years of serving meals at the couples banquet, asked to baby-sit for some function, which I would like to attend, it sometimes gets old.

* * *

I am invited to someone's home every week. The members of the church call regularly to include me in activities such as plays and concerts with their families. I have been enveloped in love.... It doesn't take much to reach out to us. We're single, often lonely, and sometimes far away from our families. We don't need special programs and events, as nice as those things are. We just want love, a safe place to go and be part of a family. You'd be surprised what kind of difference that makes in someone's life.

* * *

There are only a few college students who attend the church I go to while at Penn State. The church's focus is on young families & children -- not college students or singles. There aren't any singles/college groups even though there is a campus of over 40,000 students a mile away. This I think is extremely sad since college aged people are still impressionable.

* * *

What my college/singles group ( in Allen TX) does great is NOT focusing on the fact that we are single! Each week we have prayer time at our Bible study to pray for OTHER people, in OTHER countries, and in our community.

* * *

I honestly wish my church would think about building an improv theatre, coffee house and then hiring some folks with the gift of hosting to run it. This would appeal to singles.... If you don't think their are lots of lonely singles out there, check out the chat rooms and message boards at single sites. They are active every evening, 7 days a week. Folks go their to just have someone to talk to. I think if many of those same folks had a safe, friendly and entertaining environment to go to a few nights a week they may just abandon those computers and online friendships in favor of a real world face to face interaction with other singles.

* * *

My group is a wonderful place where we can be true to ourselves and share in community. Where we fail is in teaching singles appropriate male/female relationships during this season. There are too many "buddies" in my group in friendships that are going nowhere. In addition, our church holds couples cafes for married people each month. A singles seminar is held once every 2 years.

* * *

We have our own service on Saturday nights, and our leaders cook us dinner every Saturday night. So through us eating together on a weekly basis, we are getting to fellowship together. Then we have a bible study and P&W. We do various events, really they just try and get us together as much as possible so that we will get to know one another and create friendships.... They have also allowed us to take ownership of the church. I know for many young people it had to feel like you are contributing to the church. We have monthly "work-days" at the church and we meet at the church at 8 am (you try getting college kids up and working by then) and we clean up the grounds, spread mulch, fertilize, paint, or just pick up trash ... whatever they need done, they just let us know and we do our part in taking care of the church.

* * *

My singles group is very small. I like it that way - I am able to know the people in my group on a deeper level. However, the focus has most often been on having fun and hanging out. It's a little like youth group, but not as silly. I like to have fun, but I desire some depth to our community. I feel very alone spiritually. If I could tell the older people in my church anything, I'd like to tell them to raise their expectations for our group. I think that their expectations, vocalized or not, play a large role in what actually occurs in the group, and affects what we as individuals think we can achieve in our walk with the Lord.

* * *

Here in the UK the issue of singleness among Christians is not always considered important, and many churches do not have singles groups. Singles groups that promote godly values are a rare thing here. Please pray for us UK singles and plant some churches here!

* * *

I am a 26 year-old single young lady. My friends and I have noticed a gap in the church. There is college group... then there is the singles group (typically 30's and beyond) or young marrieds. For singles post-college (23-30ish), we don't really belong anywhere. This time of starting new jobs and relationships requires community. Often college friends have moved away and it is difficulty to get connected. Of course, the best thing I can do is to get something started rather than just complaining!

* * *

If I had to pick one thing that my church could do better to serve the singles, it would be to have a singles ministry. Where I live, there is not a singles ministry around, not within 50-60 minutes of driving.... I have always thought about starting one, but would have no idea how to start it, what to do, and I would be afraid that I wouldn't have the time and devotion to do so (mainly afraid that I wouldn't be successful at it).

* * *

The correct answer then is to have singles in a church social situation or club that promotes dating and moving from the single to the relationship stage!

* * *

One of the best things about being single is being able to serve freely and spontaneously. And it's so much easier to make meaningful social connections in a setting where there is a common goal -- something to do -- that even the most artful social event cannot mimic. I would rather pick up a tool and meet people on the basis of accomplishing a goal and living a mission. It's a great way to be ourselves, not feel self-conscious, and live out God's calling w/sincere joy.

* * *

Multi-generational family is the other crucial element to singles in church. My church is superb about this, and it's the reason I became a member: there are hardly any other singles at the church, but I have a sense of belonging because couples invite me out for lunch with them, for dinner in their homes, for a weekend afternoon, or to an evening to sing around the piano. Multi-generational events are the best. I feel like I belong not when I am with peers, who are just like me, but when I am with people who are different from me who are still willing to call me one of their own--that's God's grace to a stranger, and I know it's Biblical.

* * *

The worst thing a church can do is decide that singles only want to be w/each other, and that we're not interested in eating microwaved meals w/eccentric middle-aged families, giggling teenagers, and spunky elderly folks. Singles are often too transient to maintain roots w/each other, and if we only spend time w/peers, the result can be isolation.

* * *

It really makes me want to go to college group when I know there's going to be free coffee and bagels every time, without fail. Plus I really connect with the worship music that brings us into the presence of God. The key thing for me is a small group where I'm able to be accountable to other guys, lift them up in prayer ... and generally live as a band of brothers. I learn so much from their experiences when it comes to living righteously, figuring out girls ... totally a win-win.

* * *

I think one of the most discouraging things is that my church treats protracted singleness like it is not a problem. The times that I have brought up my desire for marriage I have been virtually ignored or told that it will happen in God's time. In our singles group we never discuss marriage and family. Most of those that attend the study are in their early 20's and I think most of them think marriage is in the far off future and just do not care about preparing for the future. The church does not think there is a problem to address and leaves those who desire marriage to fend for themselves.

What would you add? How is your singles group doing?

Comments

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1. Anna said the following at 3:30 PM on May 2:

How in the world do you go about finding a new church with a dynamic singles ministry in a new city that is literally brimming with churches? I'm finishing grad school and about to make a huge move to the city I did my undergrad in, but the church I attended there no longer exists.

I'm not for church shopping/hopping, and I want to find churches that have great ministries for my age, but hopefully without having to spend forever finding a good church. What do you do when there are so many options to get connected?

What I mean is, some of the ministries here sound amazing...does anyone have any suggestions for how you found yours? (Obviously, prayer for this has already begun!) It was so difficult to get connected to Christian community here (2 years!), that it seems discouraging to have to start all over somewhere new...

2. nikki said the following at 3:30 PM on May 2:

Yes, people relate well and should socialize with others in the same "season" as themselves. But, I wonder why we all insist on segregating grown adults into categories? Once you are out of the "college group" (an age based group) you are a grown adult and should be interacting with all manner of people regardless of marital status. It's silly to expect to be lumped together with others of your exact age and marital status! (Perhaps we should ask those with the same numbers of children to congretate, too?) Within a church (especially a larger one), interactive small groups should be created with wide spectrums of people: families, elderly, teens, children, poor, rich, married and unmarried. To the younger, this setup gives real-life views of life at later stages, and there the older, married folks can advise the younger ones. To the older ones, this setup provides joy and relevance, as well as a keen sense of biblical responsibility to train the younger generation. I think socialization can and should occurr with other believers in your "strata," but it should not be the priority.

Finding a spouse should not be the reason you go to church (although it works pretty well for a lot of folks and I have no problems with that!). I do encourage people to be on the lookout for marriageable singles their age. Honestly I'm not sure how that is to be done without making church a matchmaking time.

3. k. said the following at 4:14 PM on May 2:

I go to a huge church, and our singles group has hundreds of people in it. I feel really fortunate -- it has a great ministry and is really thriving. One of the things it does best is encompass all sorts of topics, not just singleness...we're having a series right now on restoring our relationships with God.

4. KJ said the following at 6:16 PM on May 2:

Just having something called a singles group does not actually guarantee fellowship, especially if your numbers are disjointed. Consider the plight of a woman in her mid-twenties or thirties stuck in a sea of 18-year-old guys -- nope, not going to find too much in common with them.

Not that complete isolation or the expectation that we will find people who are "just like us" is reasonable -- it's just more of a rub when one goes to a function where he/she SHOULD feel included and "normal," and feels even more left out that normal.

5. Leanne said the following at 6:18 PM on May 2:

Nikki, you put it so well. What I love about my church is the sense of community. It's a place where many different people are accepted and can belong, from the babies in the nursery to the grandmas and grandpas, and from the poor debt-ridden university students to the financially successful businessmen. What a great opportunity to interact with people who might not otherwise be part of my social circle! I think an important part of our calling as followers of Jesus is to reach out to people we wouldn't ordinarily associate with, but unfortunately in some singles groups, "clique-iness" ends up replacing community. At least in my own experience, that's one problem I've noticed.

My church doesn't really have a singles ministry, but since it's a small congregation, all the single twenty-somethings know each other pretty well and usually get together several times a month. We're also included in the regular adult fellowship with the married couples and young families. So I wouldn't say we're neglected just because there's no formally organized ministry for us. Actually, I think this has helped us become more connected to the other members of the church body, not less.

6. KJ said the following at 6:19 PM on May 2:

Also, I wonder why folks of "college age" should expect to be completely age-segregated, as Nikki hints at. Maybe if we had more emphasis on interaction as a body instead of pigeonholing children with others of their exact same age all the way from the nursery through the college group, there would be less awkwardness when they join the ranks of the adults.

7. Meredith said the following at 7:15 PM on May 2:

These comments were very interesting as I am struggling to figure out what our singles ministry at my church is lacking. People are coming but it just doesn't feel like anything is happening. Everyone says they want deeper relationships but aren't willing to make the commitment. It sounds like from these comments that the groups that are really working are ones that focus on incorporating different ages and life stages.

Personally, it is a deep feeling of mine that singles in the young adult age (19-35+) really want that interaction with people they look to as mentors, whether in the spiritual sense, or the lifestage sense. I don't necessarily want to be led by me or someone at the same stage as me. I want to be led by someone wiser and more mature. Yes it's great to have a group of singles all going through the same thing, but sometimes it feels like we end up talking in circles with no real conclusions. We need those wiser, sometimes older, different life stage people to speak into our lives. This is why I love hanging out with women and families who I look up to because I hope that some of what they know will rub off on me, and I feel that I get a better well-rounded life.

How do I, as a 'leader' in my singles group help to incorporate this into a group that sees comittment as a low priority?

8. Lisa said the following at 10:56 PM on May 2:

Wow many of those comments made me laugh and cry all at the same time! In new zealand we don't have singles groups. Basically you go straight from youth group into young adults groups or into groups with adults. In my young adults group we never discuss singleness or marriage but that is mainly because most of the people in the age group are in Long Term Relationships. Most of our studies we spend doing general bible studies. The majority of us young adults in my church are actively involved in youth or childrens ministry and we have a couple of adult mentor couples that look after us generally. I on the other hand am single ......

9. Leah said the following at 11:29 PM on May 2:

Our church doesn't have a 'singles' group. We have age-based groups- playgroup for kids below school years & their mums; a primary aged kids club for grades 3-7; a high school youth group for grades 8-12; a young adults group for people who have finished high school (it goes up to people in their early 30s- without kids, coz the ones with kids are usually at home) and then there are homegroup bible studies, for whoever wants to attend.

I've never come across any problems. Even though I have a boyfriend I guess I'm still technically single seeing as I'm not married, and the whole single vs married thing has never been an issue among our Young Adults' group. Most of us are between the ages of 17 and 25 (with a few older, as I said before) and most of us are single; we have two or three married couples, one or two engaged couples, a handful of dating couples, and a bunch of singles. And there's never any differentiation. (Well, not that I've come across yet.) If we discuss marriage related issues, well- we have people from all areas so we get a broad range of views!

10. jcs said the following at 11:47 PM on May 2:

Anna: If you did your undergrad in the city, then you probably have Christian friends there, who could fill you in on which churches are good...right?

11. BDB said the following at 1:20 AM on May 3:

True Story:

A few months ago, my grandparents for some reason decided to tell me the story of how they met - with more detail this time. It seems that my grandmother was living with her widowed aunt, helping her run the farm. My grandmother got tired of her church singles group, which was more of a "dating service" as she put it. So she decided to find a new church.

She WALKED a couple of miles into town, and watched for other people walking to church with Bibles in their hands. She calculated that those people would be going to a church that actually was interested in the Bible. And she found the church. My grandfather noticed that this new girl could sing all the songs without looking at the hymnal.

Of course, at the time, she wasn't aware that he was in the habit of walking the pastor's daughter to church and back home each Sunday. God seems to have had other plans.

So, singles groups have been struggling with their identity since at least the late 1930's...

12. André said the following at 6:41 AM on May 3:

I'm not (and never was) a part of the singles group in my church (I'm getting merried next moth), but, from the little I can see from the outside, it seems to be somewhat depressing. It seems to be kind of like a "matchmaking group", but I've never seen any matches made yet...

13. Adam Sloope said the following at 7:06 AM on May 3:

Being involved in a new church plant we began by asking ourselves this question, "how and what does a singles ministry look like?" Well we made several attempts to create small groups, serving opportunities and even social events to create connection, but all failed. So we told ourselves we were not going to chase people and we would work with who God was already working in and through. Well, we now have a church that is 70% under the age of 30. We offer small group bible studies and a huge community service program. We found that by plugging singles into the body rather than creating a separate entity has become a very healthy and successful way of mentoring and serving this very important group of people. We even have a single (me) in leadership. Our church is very big on discipleship and creating new church planters and people to go impact the world for Jesus so we encourage everyone that is within this age bracket or lifestyle (because we are some of the most passionate and influential people around) to get involved and we train them in the bible so they may grow and help others. I have found in comparison to the church I went to during college that a singles group is a great excuse for singles to not get involved in the church body because they feel they have their own thing going apart from the "church". Things are going great so far and we started with one small group bible study and have grown to now 9 within a year, singles get passionate and get moving it is all in how we equip them to succeed.

14. Jen said the following at 7:40 AM on May 3:

My church is right on the edge of a large university campus, so it's a bonafide college town. There are lots of college-aged folks, most of whom are involved in para-church groups, and also lots of young professionals and graduate students fitting into the 23-30 yr range. Some of these folks are single, some aren't - my church is pretty diverse. We don't have a singles group, per se - we have what we call a "something's" group - as in 20-somethings, which has now evolved to 20/30 somethings as a few people have stuck around or joined that are over the age of 30.

The thing I love about this group is that there is a wide age range - from 21 to 33 - we also have a married couple, two couples that are dating, and several singles. I think the thing that ties us together is not our age, singleness or any other secondary factor - but our desire for Christ-centered community, our love of the church, and our hope to see the church grow. This small group has done some pretty crazy things - like start a campaign in our church to raise thousands of dollars to send care-taker kits to Africa through World Vision, or work on behalf of other members to raise money together for that one persons mission trip. we've done group fasts over specific issues, and retreat weekends at different peoples' homes. We all realize that this group fulfills some of our personal needs, but in the end its not really 'for' us - it's for the benefit of the church and for the kingdom.

15. Vanessa said the following at 8:01 AM on May 3:

In response to Anna's comment about church shopping...I moved halfway across the country and it only took me six weeks to find my home church. What I did was start visiting churches in a denomination I was comfortable with and if one didn't work, I tried the next one on the list. I tried a big church first, then a small church. I got into a conversation with someone at the smaller church and shared a little about what I was looking for. She recommended I try the church I'm at now...and I've been here ever since! I also asked my former pastor if he had any recommendations for me. I didn't end up taking any of his suggestions, because they weren't really close enough to motivate me to drive to them, but it might work for you.

At the church I am a member of now, we have a "young adult" service on Tuesday nights that caters to the 19-35 year age group without regard to marital status. Out of that vision there have been small groups and other activities groups born. There are a lot of married couples that attend and it has been wonderful for creating lasting friendships with both single and married friends. I'm still praying for a husband, but in the meantime, I don't feel isolated or alone.

16. Michele said the following at 11:01 AM on May 3:

I'm no longer involved in a singles group, mostly because of my experience at my last church. It was a pretty big church with a large college-age and under-40 singles community. They were great about having small groups, the Sunday school for singles was solid...but there was one huge thing that put me and several others off. The church was 100% marriage-minded. Each of our singles group events felt more like a mating ritual of some kind. There was an incredible amount of peer pressure and pressure within the church to get married. A lot of the older single women (by older I mean 35-40) dropped out of the church after a month or two because of this culture.

What could my church have done for singles? Honestly, just preached and taught us as Christians instead of unmarried people. It was always as if the Truth was reserved for people with families. I stopped attending Sunday school and eventually just cut ties altogether to find a new church. I've moved since then and have found a new church, but here's a new problem, too - no singles groups, just "Men" or "Women" and "Marrieds." The women's group would be great - except they meet only on Wednesday mornings from 9:30 to 11:00, when us working single girls have to be at the office.

Who knows. This is an interesting dichotomy.

17. Esther said the following at 11:09 AM on May 3:

One of the basic rules of human interaction is that you get out of it what you put into it. If you are committed to getting to know different age groups, they will be happy to get to know you. But don't expect your singles program to make it all happen for you. When choosing a small group to be a part of, I had the option of joining a group with my other 20-something friends, but I chose to meet with a group of ladies, all older and married or divorced. It was a little awkward at first, but I'm learning so much from them. Also, while we do have a "young adults" group, we've made a point of including young married couples. This means that we have to have a nursery during our "coffeehouse ministry", but it has been a blessing for both the young couples and parents, who get to have a fun evening out, and for us singles, who get to see marriage and family up close (and share in some child-care responsibilities). Our leaders are also very solid on directing us towards purposeful relationships, which I appreciate.

18. André said the following at 12:28 PM on May 3:

man, what a horrible typo I made.
I meant to say I'm getting mArried. (what's merried anyways?)

19. Angela said the following at 12:53 PM on May 3:

I am officially out of the singles' group now, I guess, as I've been married for close to three years, but in many ways I can still relate to older singles because I remember those days so clearly (I was 26 when I got married, and my husband was 35). I always appreciated when other singles accepted me into their group as one of them, and felt like I profitted from the insights they had to pass on about coping with the special challenges singles face. But, just as important to me, were the times when married women would confide in me as a friend, and would include me in their regular day. I also appreciated younger girls coming to me for advice, and I enjoyed working with children, too. I found they gave me a sense of purpose and something fulfilling to do. All in all, I feel like a single needs a wide variety of friends in all age groups, and a family that will rejoice with them in their accomplishments, work with them through challenges, and allow them to come over and just unwind. I feel that most important to a single, however, is something fulfilling for them to fill their time with. I had a very joyful life as a single, and I attribute that to my many varied friends, and the many opportunities to serve them.

20. Anna said the following at 1:20 PM on May 3:

In response to JCS:

Actually, my Christian friends all moved away after our graduation so we're currently scattered about the country (and our original church has moved way outside the city), hence the need to start over. I do have plenty of other friends around, I just know how hard it is to get plugged into a new Christian community.

I guess it comes out of this expectation like so many things nowadays we can google something and find it exactly to our specifications within moments. Strong singles ministry that integrates all areas of life? Click here. But church doesn't work that way (nor should it probably!). It just makes it a daunting task when there's so many places to try that it's hard to know where to start (I love the South!). I just have to not be impatient and trust God to lead me...

On a side note, I LOVE the story about your grandparents.

21. Chrysti said the following at 1:36 PM on May 3:

My church doesn't have a specific "singles' group"... It's more of a "young adults' group," so technically, we could have young married couples in our group--but unfortunately we don't.

While it definitely has it's advantages: We are more socially active than other small groups in the church, we have peers who our our age who can identify with the struggles in our lives, an opportunity to make friends with people our age... just to name a few. It also has its disadvantages: Lately it has come up that we want to possibly open up our small group to people in our church from all walks of life. I think that whether we're single or married, we can all grow and change in a diverse group that's made up of people from all walks of life.

22. LT said the following at 2:01 PM on May 3:

I don't know if my church does it on purpose or if it is the people they have volunteering to lead our small groups/life groups or what, but when our new list comes out of the small groups that they will be offering for that session, I am automatically excluded from probably 95% of them because I'm not married and I don't have kids. Of course, the men's groups are out as well. ;)

I can also relate to what Michele said. I would love to join one of the ladies only groups at church. However, I have to be at work on Tuesday morning (or whatever morning it is). That excludes me from several more groups.

My church does have a young adults group. It is not limited to singles, but we only have one married couple. Unfortunately there is no depth. We get together once every two weeks. We may spend twenty minutes or so talking about "spiritual" things and then break up for prayer time. I feel like it is all surface stuff though and we aren't truly getting to know one another. The rest of the time they just chit chat and/or play games. The other thing that makes things rough is that the majority of them have known each other for forever. It is hard to break into their little cliques. I quite often feel excluded. I often wonder if I should bother going and if they would even notice if I didn't show up.

23. Shauna said the following at 5:13 PM on May 3:

I agree with the young lady who wrote in to say there was a gap in her church for non-college singles in their twenties. Mine is the same way. There is a college group, a marriage group, a seniors' group and that's it. I am also 26, by the way. I have gone to the singles group at another church in my area and found it to be just a modified church service, which is not what I'm looking for. I get church on Sunday mornings. What I'm looking for is a way to network and make Christian friends so that I can feel like I actually belong somewhere. I like the idea someone else posted that said that their singles leaders hosted a dinner every week and also the idea of helping out at the church with maintenance, etc. Add in a little Bible study time (not too much) and I think I would thoroughly enjoy a group like that.

24. Tara Kennedy said the following at 6:58 PM on May 3:

I love my new church except sometimes I feel left out. No one ever invites me over their house for a meal on Sundays. It is like only couples are invited. Also there is a group of singles from seminary who drive pretty far to go to church. I wonder if any of them ever get invited either-it seems like they do not.

25. lewsta said the following at 11:00 PM on May 3:

A few years back I was temporarily relocated to another city, and, through long time friends, was introduced to the most wonderful church I've ever known. Totally age integrated. I distinctly recall standing during the singing, holding a two year old, we both of us singing our hearts out (he didn't have all the words, but sang with gusto anyway---two years old!!). We did everything in family groups--helping with church maintenance, campouts, retreats, seminars, work days at people's homes, missions trips (yes, that same two year old went, with his entire family). There is NO BETTER WAY to truly see "who" someone else is than to watch them as we're all slogging along together doing someting..kids all round, work at hand, food to cook/eat....life, just lived together. Does SHE truly have a heart for children, or does she just say she does..watch her playing baseball with the kids at the all-church campout, or evening break time on the mission trip. Does SHE have the heart of a servant, or only do the right things when she thinks HE is watching? What does she do in her free time evenings with the mission trip? Or after the mealtime Sundays? After being away a few years, I had the delight of visiting this church again..that two year old boy is now nine--and sings on the worship team with the rest of his family. More than half the former singles 20 and older are now married, most with children of their own.so the lack of a "singles group" does not seem to have hurt any of them. Separating out various age groups as a "ministry" does not fill the true needs of anyone. Integrating everyone into a large family does. How will single adults learn about relating to infants, toddlers, pre-teens, high school kids, grandfathers, single Mums...how will they be exposed to excellent models of parenting, running a household, dealing with the rot that life throws at all of us, as well the delights? Never in a million years when separated into narrowly constrained age groups. "Youth groupies" will NEVER learn how to WORK HARD in youth group--but will when at the elbow of a man who already knows how to work, team mates in a project. And that two year old turned nine was, last week, counselling ME not to feel sad because I live alone and have no one to cheer me up--"remember, you are part of us, and we love you". That goes deep. For both of us. He'd never have found that wisdom in "children's church".

26. BDB said the following at 11:21 PM on May 3:

>> but when our new list comes out of the small groups that they will be offering for that session, I am automatically excluded from probably 95% of them because I'm not married and I don't have kids. <<

Yeah, that happened at my church one year, too. When I started attending the church, it was too small to have a "singles ministry," so I joined a small group. When I was 25, they started a college group for 18-24 year olds, so I stayed in the small groups with the married people.

One year, almost every group was for couples, except for the special interest groups like motorcyling. I did point this out to the pastoral staff. I didn't join a group that year. But they did remedy the situation. We probably have 30+ small groups that are not restricted by marital status.

It does serve a function to have couple's groups, of course. I think it's especially valuable for newly married people, or those who want to focus on something like moving past a previous divorce.

27. Laura said the following at 11:42 PM on May 3:

My church doesn't really have a singles group - there's the young married couples (some of whom are trying to get a young adults program started), high school students, and then the few singles in between (and even a married couple) all serve in the high school ministry, so really there's very little opportunity to fellowship with them. The 'in between' group does have a study every second week, however my own study group runs on the same night, so it's hard for me to break away from the 'just out of high school' crowd into the 'wow, i'm an adult now' crowd, especially have only just built relationships with my current study group. I guess it all comes down to trusting God's timing and His plan!

28. Al said the following at 11:54 PM on May 3:

I appreciate what everyone has written...

As for my church/town, it's a smaller "market" (sorry, I'm a business guy, so that's what I call it). We've had a difficult time getting the young adults ministry going, but we've taken it patiently. I think that that has really helped make us stronger as a group. It doesn't relieve some of the frustration, though. I'm the only guy who consistently comes, which is a little awkward.

What we have come to now is meeting weekly for a Bible study at a coffeehouse. Whatever people want to do afterword works. It's quite flexible and natural for people. Another thing that I really want more is ministry. I figure one of the best ways to get to know other people is to serve with them.

Thoughts, anyone?

29. Joie said the following at 7:54 PM on May 4:

Al, I can totally relate to what you said.

I am currently helping lead the new singles Bible Study at my church. A few months ago a good friend of mine (a fellow college grad in her early 20s) and I decided it was time to start this ministry up again. Somehow the last group dissolved... and by that I mean everyone paired off and got married. It has not been easy going. There are at least a dozen young unmarried college grads in our congregation, but most of the time it is just the same 2 or three of us that are present. We meet during the week at a local coffeehouse, but lately it has been harder to keep it up because it's always the same small group of us.

My friend and I have tried everything we can think of to get others interested in joining us, but they don't seem interested. Does anyone have any advice or possibly any encouraging words for us?

30. rindy said the following at 5:53 AM on May 5:

These comments and ideas are great! I like the idea of the focus of a singles group, or groups by generation, however, I think we miss out on so much being more exclusive. I'm a 42 year old single mom who can relate to other 40's, enjoys 20's activities, want to find others to do things with, love being a "mentor" to 20's/30's, get along great with 60's and love learning from all!!

31. Colin Pedicini said the following at 3:21 PM on May 5:

I'm 20. My church does not have a singles group, either--instead they have adult groups that focus so much on the married couples. The younger groups are so mission-oriented it's difficult for me to plug in (due to my cerebral palsy/premature birth.)

32. Fiona said the following at 6:57 PM on May 5:

I am a single in the Uk, I live in a small village and go to a church five miles. M y Pastor drives out to pick me up for chuch and other people help with lifts as i don't drive. In my church there is no-one in my age bracket 25-30 that is single and in esay traveling distance the problem is the same.I live on a low income and have personal issues to deal with that make me feel like I could esaly be over looked by the opposit sex. The last guy I have been out with was not a christian and I have only had one relationship with a Christian.I would love to met people but I feel pretty traped in my situation.

33. Randy said the following at 12:13 PM on May 6:

Adult singles of any age are a challenging
ministry to keep going. The fact that some
groups have had many of the people pair off
is a good thing! This shows success, not
failure! There will always be single
people so the group should not ever be
without some singles. Keeping the group
engaged with real church-based social
activities is the key to keeping it alive!
Persistance pays off!

34. dave said the following at 10:32 PM on May 6:

Most singles groups I have been to are incredibly awkward. The said focus of the group is often to study the Bible and reach people but what really happens is that it becomes a total meat market. A bunch of really weird guys outnumbered by a bunch of girls. Our church is 65% single. We dont have any singles groups or activities geared specifically towards single at least in a large scale way (Some bible studys are singles but they only have 10 people in it). Have married people at bbqs and other events takes the focus off of finding someone and which makes it a whole lot less awkward. People are getting married all the time. I think the focus of our lives should be to serve God in our the way we are gifted and the right person will come in our path.

35. DanL said the following at 10:06 PM on May 8:

We used to have very good group for Sunday school and other activities. It was about half singles and half couples. But a couple years ago, it was decided that we needed a young couples Sunday school classes, and the rest of us ended up becoming a singles group against our wishes. I’m still very disappointed about it. Just a couple of weeks and I was talking on some of the leaders of the new class hoping that we could still find a few outside activities that we could do together. They weren’t receptive, and said that they had different needs since their people wished to study about families and children and the like. I responded that that was wonderful since most of us had hopes of having families and would be eager to prepare for such things. I’m not exactly sure how to say this, but they just stared at me like I was on drugs or had just lost my mind or something. I don’t know how else to explain it. I wish I knew what to do to keep us tied into the rest of the church better, but sometimes it seems like the rest of the church doesn’t want us.

36. kman said the following at 11:54 AM on May 9:

I am married and have quite a few single friends.
I think that unless the focus of the group is something particular to being single, there should be no distinction.
Life is not lived in marital status groups and then to think that single people only want/need the companionship of other singles is wrong. We were made to work together in all our states/ages/seasons of life. I really enjoy my single friends, they have the time freedom to get together and I am able to give some -hopefully useful- input that can avoid some of the mistakes I've made.

Singles are part of the Church and should be included as much as anyone in it.

37. David Butler said the following at 7:25 PM on May 12:

Due to some of the grievances that are found here, we are actually planning on planting a church geared towardsingle adults, the most unchurched demographic in the USA and world.

38. Jennifer Lynn said the following at 2:24 PM on Sep 23:

I am a single 32 year old mother of three and loving it. I am what my friends call the social butterfly. I have a mixture of friends. Some married, single, and a few guys. The guys I do not typically hang out with on a one-on-one basis. I suggest that strongly to anyone who is serious about getting married. After all the shortest distance between point A and B is a straight line.Extended relationships with the opposite sex can cause diagonal lines to form wich inturn will keep you from your goal if in fact that goal is marriage. I am currently starting a singles group at my church. I read a couple of times in the blogs about someone not knowing how to do that or where would they start. I am going to share with you how I am going to do that. I hope this will help. First, I went to my pastor told him of the need for a singles group. He being a wise pastor already saw that need. So,he was encouraging when I said, "I would like to start by having a singles sunday school class." He replied with," great you will start October 07, in classroom C." In addition to the Sunday School class we will meet monthly. We have done this before by going out to eat, having a potlock (where even the single men brought their favorite dish), and/or a hang out activity, such as bowling. Then quarterly we will get together on a larger scale, like a weekend conference,etc. That being about four times a year. Lastly, we get to schedule a yearly big bash on a grander scale. We have already discussed this and in 2008, we are going on a Christian Singles Cruise. Please do not think that all we do is have fun, fun, fun. Most of us are involved in a regular ministry. Our church offers plenty of opportunity for that. Including things like jail ministry, nursing home visits, or simply by handing out gospel tracts. I really enjoyed reading everyone's comments and ideas. I will use some of them I am sure. Thanks, Jennifer P.S. Fundraisers for your group is a definite must.

39. Pam Smith said the following at 1:10 PM on Oct 1:

10 yrs ago, several of us from different churches in our association got together and decided to start a singles bible study group. It's a small group (currently 7 people), but we've had up to 15. When we started out, we decided to make the group into a non-dating group. We wanted an environment where we could come together without the pressure of dating or searching within the group, so that we could fully devote ourselves to studying God's word. Every other Sat night we get together and do a study. I know that I, personally, have really grown in my walk with God because of this group. As a plus, we've all become good friends. Anybody have any suggestions for a 10 yr anniversary for our group?

40. Michelle said the following at 10:09 PM on Oct 1:

Pretaining to the topic of singles, I find a paradox where it is implied my many (including perceptive lil kids)that marriage is something to be desired, but no one really mentors you in how to prepare yourself for and navigate a relationship towards marriage.

At my church they don't exactly have singles activities or studies(mostly the cliques do their own thing). They tried to start a group one time (for ages 25 & up) and seemed like it flopped. Makes little sense to me to put the age bar so high. I don't think 21 even 20 is too young to strive for marriage. I know many people who were married by my age (22). Anyways, they are again trying to make a singles group (this time 22+ which is unfortunate for my 21-year old friend)They are planning on studying the 5 love languages, which sounds interesting to me, but time will show if the group thrives.

My main concern is that once again, it will flop. I remember that around Valentines Day (ick) the pastor preached at the youth service, and at the end did an alter call to pray for those who were married, in a relationship, and who desired to be in a relationship. What was disturbing (besides the fact that the youth service didn't have a lot of married couples to start with) was that even though there are several single men, none went to the alter when those desiring marriage were called. Of course, most of the single women did go. Then when Valentines Day came, they did this elaborate dinner, but that was mainly for those who were already married/dating. They had nothing for the dateless singles to participate in.

I would so love it if the older adults would take us under their wings and be more united instead of dismissing us as part of the youth even if some are in their late 20s. For an example,I would like to be able to sit with the older ladies and really discuss how things are going(or not) with my forever crush, and ask them about how things were for them growing up/ how they and their now husbands progressed from friends to spouses/ and just life in general. It's very disheartening at times.