Principled Advice for Dating Online by Motte Brown on 05/17/2007 at 2:41 PM

A team of singles pastors from Joshua Harris's church have written a paper on the topic of online dating. It provides current users and those considering the use of online dating services with thinking "shaped by biblical principles."

The team weighs in on the discoveries they've made from their counseling experience and interviews with those who have participated in online dating. For those considering it, they address issues such as expense, false hope, safety, and compromise. For current participants, they give instruction on involving your community, communicating your values and asking about theirs.

Joshua says the paper isn't comprehensive and is meant only for wise counsel. That's OK because there are concerns addressed elsewhere that may help fill in the gaps. Boundless's own Candice Watters covered the issue two years ago in her article "Browsing for a Mate." In it, she speaks frankly about some of the "minuses" of online dating.

Here's one of them:

A steady stream of matches. This can be a distraction, especially for males. Jerry Seinfeld said, "Guys don't want to see what's on television — they want to see what else is on television." With millions of potential matches, how can you possibly know when you've found the one? Maybe the village matchmaker wasn't such a bad idea after all.

And with a steady stream of potential matches, how can you resist the temptation to see if he or she isn't better than the one you're currently pursuing? But with more and more respected Christians giving counsel, Christian singles are better prepared than ever to face issues like these.

HT: Justin Taylor

Principled Advice for Dating Online by Motte Brown on 05/17/2007 at 2:41 PM

A team of singles pastors from Joshua Harris's church have written a paper on the topic of online dating. It provides current users and those considering the use of online dating services with thinking "shaped by biblical principles."

The team weighs in on the discoveries they've made from their counseling experience and interviews with those who have participated in online dating. For those considering it, they address issues such as expense, false hope, safety, and compromise. For current participants, they give instruction on involving your community, communicating your values and asking about theirs.

Joshua says the paper isn't comprehensive and is meant only for wise counsel. That's OK because there are concerns addressed elsewhere that may help fill in the gaps. Boundless's own Candice Watters covered the issue two years ago in her article "Browsing for a Mate." In it, she speaks frankly about some of the "minuses" of online dating.

Here's one of them:

A steady stream of matches. This can be a distraction, especially for males. Jerry Seinfeld said, "Guys don't want to see what's on television — they want to see what else is on television." With millions of potential matches, how can you possibly know when you've found the one? Maybe the village matchmaker wasn't such a bad idea after all.

And with a steady stream of potential matches, how can you resist the temptation to see if he or she isn't better than the one you're currently pursuing? But with more and more respected Christians giving counsel, Christian singles are better prepared than ever to face issues like these.

HT: Justin Taylor

Comments

[1. Caleb said the following at 6:28 PM on May 17:]

1

I think I misunderstood something here...what is wrong with trying to find the best possible mate/match? I should think that the more options there are, the better the chance of finding someone. The only ones interested in narrowing down options would be those who could not compete in a larger playing field. A larger field ought to raise the standards of godliness for all of us. As a crude illustration, basic economics tells us that the more goods there are on the market, the greater the aggregate standard of living. Admittedly, we are talking about people, but the principles are the same.

[2. nikki said the following at 6:58 PM on May 17:]

2

Caleb: I think it just depends on the person. Some people tend to "settle" (that word has bad connotations it doesn't necessarily deserve) for the first one to meet all the non-negotiables. Others, like me, would become paralyzed with so many apparent "matches" and might never make a real decision because with so many possibilities, because it would seem that there is always something a little better. That is a real problem with online dating, I think. But to address your point about higher standards, I sure don't think the standards for choosing a spouse should be any different whether you're online or "IRL." :) I would imagine it could be easy to infinitely heighten one's standards to something nearing perfection. At least that would be my personal difficulty.

[3. Joe said the following at 9:40 PM on May 17:]

3

I think the biggest problem with online dating is that even with alot of matches only a very small % of them are actually willing to communicate.

Online dating should be a supplement to find someone in the real world and not replace it.

[4. Joseph said the following at 5:12 AM on May 18:]

4

Another Comment for Caleb:

While the comparison to people can work with people when it comes to matchmaking I like to believe that as Christians we are not in such a "shopping" attitude that people would be measured in such way that browsing can introduce people.

While continuing to browse for other people such superficial data learned and offered on the websites is not what sparks the interest but finding common ground and getting to know the person that is deeper than what the initial information offered.

What is wrong with wanting to find a better match? I think it is in the idea of putting people into a better or worse category. Shouldn't we be looking towards people's hearts?

[5. Nelson said the following at 10:46 AM on May 18:]

5

I honestly think the "best/better" match concept really comes from a consumerist idea that doesn't quite work. Marriage is a willful act of commitment and sacrifice, and what is there to "match" than someone to willingly accept it?

I think it is a matter of finding out what we gain from marriage and what we give in marriage, and it is alway a danger to worry too much about what we gain.

[6. Mike Theemling said the following at 7:20 PM on May 18:]

6

Although the article tries to give a balanced approach to online dating, it is clear that the authors are skeptical of online dating in general.

And I don't necessarily disagree. One of my gripes which was pointed out is that it often promises more than it delivers. But of course, anything worthwhile takes effort so I'm not too perturbed about that.

What really gets me though is that people often SAY they want one thing yet it's inconsistent with how they ACT. For example, a profile may say, "I'm looking for a guy with X, Y, and Z traits". I say to myself, "Hey, I'm a guy with X, Y, and Z traits and would be interested in starting communication." So I send a tell/message/etc. and more often than not get completely ignored. No "Thank you but I'm not interested", or "I'm already in a relationship now", etc. Just complete excommunication. First of all, most people would not do this in person-to-person contact. Secondly, if you are really looking for something, then at least be man (or woman) enough to say so or don't add X.1, X.2, Y.1, etc. to your checklists.

[7. Charles H. said the following at 8:45 AM on May 19:]

7

Far be it from me to agree with much of anything Josh Harris says, but I actually do agree with the point that there are significant problems with online dating.

First of all, many (if not most) sites do some things that are misleading or outright dishonest. How many sites loudly proclaim "FREE!" when they are not, in fact, free unless one posts a profile and walks away? How many leave long-expired profiles on the site to puff up their numbers? How many post bogus advice (i.e., "People who give you their email address in the first few messages are often predators") to discourage short memberships?

Well, so what? It's a business, and businesses vary in their levels of honesty, right? Well, it can't be good for the process when so many people's experience starts with being lied to. I wonder if that affects how they see, and interact with, their "matches."

Second, computers are well suited to certain tasks in dating. They are excellent for comparing lists of must-haves and can't-stands. This is a strength of online dating; there's no point in spending a month interested in someone if there is a fundamental incompatibility. On the other hand, computers are pretty bad at personality analysis beyond the fortune-cookie-style "You like having friends and you don't like being broke" stuff. I know I once tried a computerized "match based on personality" and the results were rather accidentally comical.

[8. Doc said the following at 2:57 PM on May 21:]

8

I feel there hasn't been any feedback on the positive side of online dating, specifically eharmony. I am one of those success stories, and am getting married in a few weeks to a man who is WONDERFUL for me (friends and family say so as well) and a great match. It is clear that God used the internet as a way to introduce us.

I will admit that I was skeptical about doing something online in the dating world. In fact, I was so picky about every match and was pretty much determined NOT to meet someone online (mostly because of the sketch factor, and partly b/c I didn't think I really want to meet *someone* at that point in my life).

However, it was just another outlet of a way for me to meet guys who shared similar interests. I was meeting guys at church, at work, and in a safe environment online. I think this is critical... to not limit yourself to saying "I have to find someone on the internet."

When my fiancee and I matched, we found out we were going to be at the same town early on. I jumped on this chance because I wanted to make sure he was the same person he claimed he was online. We met in the airport (public place), talked for 30 minutes (short time) and after that meeting both of us realized this was something we wanted to pursue.

We pursued courtship. He met my parents early on (actually stayed at their house every time he came to visit), we asked each other questions to find out how we viewed different situations (finances, kids, sex, ministry, etc.), and sought the counsel of close friends and mentors. Above all that though, we continued to pray (individually) about our relationship.

No, he's not PERFECT, and I am not either, but we both have the SAME values, beliefs and interests. That foundation is crucial for a good marriage and friendship. This is why I held out for the best possible match and didn't settle for someone who was not a good match (even though there have been a lot of good guys!).

So, I believe that YES, the internet can be used as a tool to meet new people. NO, it's not a "formula" that can be matched through a computer process (I had several matches that I knew right off wouldn't work out). If handled well, then it's another good way to seek out that marriage relationship that God blesses.

[9. ms. anon said the following at 4:44 PM on May 21:]

9

Doc: Thank you so much for your positive story! It is very refreshing to hear a view of "online matchmaking" that is healthy, balanced, and filled with perspective.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

[10. Marc said the following at 1:30 AM on Nov 28:]

10

I know I am "putting myslef out there", in a sense, but it needs to be said.

Based on personal circumstances which I do not care to explain, it is likely that I vey-well may never marry. That being said, I WIL NOT try my luck with an online dating program.

I find it interesting that for hundreds upon hundreds of years, humanity somehow managed to survive without the Internet. But now, with the uprise of the Internet, it is suddenlly okay to find your significant other via the web, while pursuing someone you've actually known is (to quote one collegian) "so old-school".

[1. Caleb said the following at 6:28 PM on May 17:]

1

I think I misunderstood something here...what is wrong with trying to find the best possible mate/match? I should think that the more options there are, the better the chance of finding someone. The only ones interested in narrowing down options would be those who could not compete in a larger playing field. A larger field ought to raise the standards of godliness for all of us. As a crude illustration, basic economics tells us that the more goods there are on the market, the greater the aggregate standard of living. Admittedly, we are talking about people, but the principles are the same.

[2. nikki said the following at 6:58 PM on May 17:]

2

Caleb: I think it just depends on the person. Some people tend to "settle" (that word has bad connotations it doesn't necessarily deserve) for the first one to meet all the non-negotiables. Others, like me, would become paralyzed with so many apparent "matches" and might never make a real decision because with so many possibilities, because it would seem that there is always something a little better. That is a real problem with online dating, I think. But to address your point about higher standards, I sure don't think the standards for choosing a spouse should be any different whether you're online or "IRL." :) I would imagine it could be easy to infinitely heighten one's standards to something nearing perfection. At least that would be my personal difficulty.

[3. Joe said the following at 9:40 PM on May 17:]

3

I think the biggest problem with online dating is that even with alot of matches only a very small % of them are actually willing to communicate.

Online dating should be a supplement to find someone in the real world and not replace it.

[4. Joseph said the following at 5:12 AM on May 18:]

4

Another Comment for Caleb:

While the comparison to people can work with people when it comes to matchmaking I like to believe that as Christians we are not in such a "shopping" attitude that people would be measured in such way that browsing can introduce people.

While continuing to browse for other people such superficial data learned and offered on the websites is not what sparks the interest but finding common ground and getting to know the person that is deeper than what the initial information offered.

What is wrong with wanting to find a better match? I think it is in the idea of putting people into a better or worse category. Shouldn't we be looking towards people's hearts?

[5. Nelson said the following at 10:46 AM on May 18:]

5

I honestly think the "best/better" match concept really comes from a consumerist idea that doesn't quite work. Marriage is a willful act of commitment and sacrifice, and what is there to "match" than someone to willingly accept it?

I think it is a matter of finding out what we gain from marriage and what we give in marriage, and it is alway a danger to worry too much about what we gain.

[6. Mike Theemling said the following at 7:20 PM on May 18:]

6

Although the article tries to give a balanced approach to online dating, it is clear that the authors are skeptical of online dating in general.

And I don't necessarily disagree. One of my gripes which was pointed out is that it often promises more than it delivers. But of course, anything worthwhile takes effort so I'm not too perturbed about that.

What really gets me though is that people often SAY they want one thing yet it's inconsistent with how they ACT. For example, a profile may say, "I'm looking for a guy with X, Y, and Z traits". I say to myself, "Hey, I'm a guy with X, Y, and Z traits and would be interested in starting communication." So I send a tell/message/etc. and more often than not get completely ignored. No "Thank you but I'm not interested", or "I'm already in a relationship now", etc. Just complete excommunication. First of all, most people would not do this in person-to-person contact. Secondly, if you are really looking for something, then at least be man (or woman) enough to say so or don't add X.1, X.2, Y.1, etc. to your checklists.

[7. Charles H. said the following at 8:45 AM on May 19:]

7

Far be it from me to agree with much of anything Josh Harris says, but I actually do agree with the point that there are significant problems with online dating.

First of all, many (if not most) sites do some things that are misleading or outright dishonest. How many sites loudly proclaim "FREE!" when they are not, in fact, free unless one posts a profile and walks away? How many leave long-expired profiles on the site to puff up their numbers? How many post bogus advice (i.e., "People who give you their email address in the first few messages are often predators") to discourage short memberships?

Well, so what? It's a business, and businesses vary in their levels of honesty, right? Well, it can't be good for the process when so many people's experience starts with being lied to. I wonder if that affects how they see, and interact with, their "matches."

Second, computers are well suited to certain tasks in dating. They are excellent for comparing lists of must-haves and can't-stands. This is a strength of online dating; there's no point in spending a month interested in someone if there is a fundamental incompatibility. On the other hand, computers are pretty bad at personality analysis beyond the fortune-cookie-style "You like having friends and you don't like being broke" stuff. I know I once tried a computerized "match based on personality" and the results were rather accidentally comical.

[8. Doc said the following at 2:57 PM on May 21:]

8

I feel there hasn't been any feedback on the positive side of online dating, specifically eharmony. I am one of those success stories, and am getting married in a few weeks to a man who is WONDERFUL for me (friends and family say so as well) and a great match. It is clear that God used the internet as a way to introduce us.

I will admit that I was skeptical about doing something online in the dating world. In fact, I was so picky about every match and was pretty much determined NOT to meet someone online (mostly because of the sketch factor, and partly b/c I didn't think I really want to meet *someone* at that point in my life).

However, it was just another outlet of a way for me to meet guys who shared similar interests. I was meeting guys at church, at work, and in a safe environment online. I think this is critical... to not limit yourself to saying "I have to find someone on the internet."

When my fiancee and I matched, we found out we were going to be at the same town early on. I jumped on this chance because I wanted to make sure he was the same person he claimed he was online. We met in the airport (public place), talked for 30 minutes (short time) and after that meeting both of us realized this was something we wanted to pursue.

We pursued courtship. He met my parents early on (actually stayed at their house every time he came to visit), we asked each other questions to find out how we viewed different situations (finances, kids, sex, ministry, etc.), and sought the counsel of close friends and mentors. Above all that though, we continued to pray (individually) about our relationship.

No, he's not PERFECT, and I am not either, but we both have the SAME values, beliefs and interests. That foundation is crucial for a good marriage and friendship. This is why I held out for the best possible match and didn't settle for someone who was not a good match (even though there have been a lot of good guys!).

So, I believe that YES, the internet can be used as a tool to meet new people. NO, it's not a "formula" that can be matched through a computer process (I had several matches that I knew right off wouldn't work out). If handled well, then it's another good way to seek out that marriage relationship that God blesses.

[9. ms. anon said the following at 4:44 PM on May 21:]

9

Doc: Thank you so much for your positive story! It is very refreshing to hear a view of "online matchmaking" that is healthy, balanced, and filled with perspective.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

[10. Marc said the following at 1:30 AM on Nov 28:]

10

I know I am "putting myslef out there", in a sense, but it needs to be said.

Based on personal circumstances which I do not care to explain, it is likely that I vey-well may never marry. That being said, I WIL NOT try my luck with an online dating program.

I find it interesting that for hundreds upon hundreds of years, humanity somehow managed to survive without the Internet. But now, with the uprise of the Internet, it is suddenlly okay to find your significant other via the web, while pursuing someone you've actually known is (to quote one collegian) "so old-school".