Church for Singles
by Ted Slater on 05/14/2007 at 10:14 AM
It's naturally easy to stay uncommitted to any church during the single years.
During college, for example, you can get your dose of spirituality through a campus ministry like InterVarsity or Campus Crusade and use your Saturday nights or Sunday mornings to rest or study. After you've graduated, you can stay aloof from church involvement because, frankly, many churches backburner ministry for singles, and seem irrelevant to their experience.
But being connected with a church as a single is as important as being connected at any other stage of your life.
In the recent blog entry "The Importance of a Local Church," Ricky Alcantar of the New Attitude Blog raises the issue of church membership and involvement, and how God calls us to give our lives to it.
In an audio message by Mark Dever, referenced in the blog post, we're presented with four questions:
- What is a church?
- Why is church involvement so important?
- Why should I join a church?
- What does church membership involve?
When I was single, both as a college student and college grad, I found a lot of meaning in church membership and involvement. It was good to have pastoral oversight, to have access to mentors that just weren't that available elsewhere, to be given a variety of opportunities to serve, to experience the breadth of multigenerational fellowship, to be challenged by expositional preaching, to have a "family" and a "home," and so on. I even met Ashleigh, my wife, in church.
We've talked about church involvement before, in the blog posts "Do You Date the Church?" and "Church Membership," and in the Mentor Series article "Stop Dating the Church." We keep bringing it up because we think it's of vital importance.
Are you a member of a church? How has that enriched your life? If you're not actively involved in a church, please ponder the ensuing comments and humbly consider joining Christ in making church a priority.
1. v@v said the following at 10:47 AM on May 14:
I've been an actual member of my church for over ten years, but have been there most of my life. I can't imagine not being. Thankfully, I made it through college and now starting a career still completely committed not only to Christ, but my church body -- the same church body (I realize how blessed I am for that). To be honest, so many of our young people/singles grew up in the same church, that it's always a little surprising to me, or at least, questionable, that one would not desire to be a member or should think that a strange and "binding" (in the negative sense) thing. My commitment to church has become so strong, that when I left the country to study in Asia a few years ago, the first thing I wanted to find was a Christian church (thankfully I did) -- I could not fathom not fellowshipping for a week, let alone 2 months.
Being a member of my church has enriched my life tremendously. Not being from a conventional Christian home where my parent's serve the Lord, my church was my extended family that I believe, are part of the reason why I was so grounded in the Lord and continue to serve him to this day. Not to mention, church membership (at least in my case) requires accountability. Not only am I accountable as a leader to my pastor, other leaders and the young people I teach, minister to through song, etc. I am accountable to the young girls/ladies who see me every week, several times, and look to me as a role model; and I'm accountable to the rest of the brothers/sisters, elders in my church who uphold me in their prayers and extend their love.
2. John said the following at 11:42 AM on May 14:
Perhaps I don't fully understand the accountability aspect of belonging to a church. Let's face it, most of the time the church has no idea what you are up to. Unless you are a notorious public drunk or something, you will probably escape the scrutiny of your pastors or fellow members. (I am speaking from the perspective of a megachurch, like the one I used to belong to. If anyone was ever disciplined there, I never noticed. Most people there were necessarily anonymous, simply from the large size of the church.)
3. v@v said the following at 1:30 PM on May 14:
Well, I don't belong to a "mega church" -- my church is about 400 members. But, I think accountability is much more personal. Because I know I'm seen, I know my pastor personally, things are expected of me (and oh yeah, God is watching) I feel a higher responsibility for my own actions in terms of accountability. But, I think there's the difference between membership and non-membership. You cannot be a leader at my church until you are a member -- which happens after baptism, and/or transfer from another church. Though not very often, and usually not made to be a "public spectacle," my pastor has still practiced sitting people down from leadership and putting them on "discipline." Friends I have who attend more "megachurches" don't necessarily have to become "members" -- i.e., following, agreeing to abide by specific mandates the church implements -- in order to become leaders. Those friends have told me that that has led to issues within pastoral youth leaders and some of their "staff" who don't feel like they must abide by those specific church rules, since they are not members. Membership, in terms of leadership at least, puts you on the same page of expectations. I suppose one can get away with whatever they're not "caught" doing, but it doesn't make it correct. And as a leader, one would (should) hold themselves to higher accountability. That's not to say you are "micromanaging" people's actions, but you are on the same page, Biblically and in the atmosphere of your church.
4. Amadeus said the following at 2:34 PM on May 14:
I'm very thankful for "my" church; the teaching here has been wonderful and very refreshing. The "college and career group" is fun, too; there are older, married adults that serve as mentors to the younger group (those in college, and some newly married, and some older, but single) and the group gets together every so often for fellowship. Service, however, is expected of every member and is not segregated based on age. There is accountability here, too - it shall be difficult to leave for a different church after I transfer colleges!
5. Amy said the following at 2:44 PM on May 14:
I'm actively involved in Campus Crusade and with the seven hours a week I invest in the organization, I can understand how tempting it is to think that groups like that serve as an adequate substitute for church; however, while Crusade is great, it isn't a substitute for commitment to a multi-generational body of believers (I love that at church you can get to see babies and meet the elderly-babies don't normaly show up at Crusade meetings and some of the older men and women at my church have been walking with the Lord for decades, gaining with life experience I don't get to tap into through my campus ministry). Church, among many other things, is a reminder that there is life beyond my campus, beyond Crusade and that ministry and my relationship with the Lord don't end with college.
6. Joseph said the following at 2:46 PM on May 14:
"Mega church" or not I think the defining factor of the church body is some kind of focus on small groups. With the Sunday crowds there are people that we can gather regularly with and truly fellowship, not "fellowship" being cookies and coffee between services.
Having been in the military for the last 2 years with little or no church body support I can say with confidence that the most difficult thing in the Christian walk is trying to walk it alone. For me it is not by choice but lack of people. I look forward to when I can have true fellowship again.
7. Becky F. said the following at 3:11 PM on May 14:
Being a member of a church is great. It means you can be a member of one of the various boards that help manage the church "behind-the-scenes", you can sing in the choir or play with the handbell choir, you can teach Sunday School or help lead the youth group, etc. There's lots of serving and involving of oneself that members can do in a church that wouldn't necessarily seem fair for a person who simply attends the church to do, because they haven't made the commitment to the congregation to regularly attend and regularly give of money, time, and talent.
8. Anna said the following at 4:14 PM on May 14:
I was heavily involved in my church throughout my child and teenage years, and when I graduated from high school and went to college I was determined to stay involved. I didn't have a car freshman year and was dependent on others to take me to the church of my choice on Sunday mornings. I transferred to another school my sophomore year and have become a regular Sunday attender at a church nearby. I worked in the nursery for a little while a year ago, but that's about all the actual involvement I've had.
I'm so passionate about church and church involvement, and I haven't found it easy in the college years, so I've made excuses for myself ("I'm invested on campus," "I don't have time," etc.). But next year I want to make it a goal for myself to be more involved, no matter what, because it's important.
9. ptschett said the following at 4:47 PM on May 14:
I wish the local church I occasionally attend were multi-generational. Of the normal attendance of about 40, I'd guess that 85-90% is old enough to be collecting from Social Security.
10. Laura Z said the following at 6:13 PM on May 14:
As someone who attends a "mega" church...ugh I hate that term!
I attend a HUGE church, and I'm sure that there are those who are able to "hide," simply because it is a large church. At the same time though, I know about many instances of church discipline...please note though, that if you are part of a large church, you may not always be aware of discipline that is happening. Also, I am ABSOLUTELY held accountable as a member of this body of believers.
Those who choose not to invest themselves in the body, will probably NOT find any purpose in the church. If you only come to be fed, then your filling up a tank, and never unloading it...which means that much of what you learn is probably an "in one door and out the other" kind of growth. If you are taking what you learn, and applying it to your life, serving alongside the believers who are also serving you...well, the fruit is imminent! :)
As a single who desires to get married, and seeks after that, but isn't into the "meat-market" mentality...being a part of the body of believers is SO IMPORTANT! First of all, the example of gracious, loving, married believers is essential so that I, someone who grew up in a single parent, non-Christian family, am able to see a God centered marriage/family. Also, my focus is brining Glory to my Great king, so It is imparitive that the person I will marry be someone who desires to serve others to God's glory too. The church provides a place to be in unity with others who are like-minded in Christ.
As I grow and mature in my faith, I find that my church body plays a huge role in that growth and maturity. I praise the Lord, that He reminds us in His word to seek the fellowship of believers...how could I do this alone?!?
11. James said the following at 7:13 PM on May 14:
I was ho-hum about going to church after I got out of high school and finally was able to choose NOT to go to church. Then again, I was just a "church-ian" at the time, and not a believer.
However, that trend continued after I accepted Christ and I simply felt I got my dose of teaching and worship on Friday night at the campus Chi-Alpha. However, that all changed middle of my sophomore year when a friend almost literally dragged me to church (well, he basically gave me no room to say "no" except for the reason of "I don't want to", which I didn't have the courage to tell him, thank God!). It basically turned my spiritual walk into a sprint.
Since then I've always been involved and comitted to a local body, and when I moved here to Phoenix just a few weeks ago, I was aprehensive at first b/c I knew I'd miss my old church up in Prescott so much. I do miss them, but have gotten plugged into a good church down here. Though I still felt starved for fellowship of people my age, until I got plugged into their young adult ministry last night. It's wonderful! And there's the multi-generational aspect that I do dearly love. Being discipled by older, more mature brothers in Christ is something I've come to cherish and thirst for in a local body.
Making the local church a hub of one's normal active life is an enriching and I think spiritually nourishing thing to have. I know I feel partly cut-off in my walk if I am not in fellowship. This is true, even when some of my most intimate times with the Lord lately have been by myself. It was still those alone-times that was between times of fellowship. I always had fellowship to look forward to during my times alone with the Lord. So, though time by myself with Him has been crucial, so have those times when I can soak deeply in the waters of fellowship.
12. Nameless said the following at 10:00 PM on May 14:
I'm going to risk sounding like a whiner here, bit I think it's time some churches started being a little bit more committed to their singles. I've attended the same church my whole life, and as an adult I've constantly battled the notion that I'm not really committed, that I'm just waiting around to get married and leave, etc., and therefore I ought not to be in positions of ministry because I might leave them in the lurch someday. It's only been in the last year or so, since my boyfriend (who I met through a singles group at a friend's church, since my church does basically nothing for singles) started attending, that I've stopped being invisible. Suddenly I get asked to help with "grownup" functions at church, and have invitations to dinner in people's homes.
I'm not really as bitter as I sound. My church has a lot of good qualities. I just have a feeling it's not the only one that treats its single adults like they aren't really people.
13. Jacob said the following at 6:36 AM on May 15:
I was on the leadership team for our campus' InterVarsity chapter and we found that not only was it becoming a club and developing an "inner circle" mentality, but also that many of our "members" were using it as a church substitute, especially our weekly large group meeting. Consequently, we changed the nature and structure of the ministy and scaled back our large group meeting.
I was blessed to have found an amazing church while in college. They were gracious people who took interest in us and our lives (and even provided a meal for us after services each week). They set an example of godliness and service and it was here that I discovered a real love for the church. As I'm transitioning from being a college student to starting a career, finding a church to commit to is one of my top priorities
14. Amadeus said the following at 8:08 AM on May 15:
Ask not what your church can do for you, ask what you can do for your church.
At the church I currently attend, it was difficult to get involved. No one invited me to do anything - the nerve! It was not until I began serving others; asking where and how I could serve, and praying God would open opportunities for service that the church suddenly "improved". The only difference was I.
15. Tim H. said the following at 8:26 AM on May 15:
Last year, as a sophomore in college, I joined the church I was attending near my school. Through reading "Stop Dating the Church" and the encouragement of my pastors, I'm been increasingly involved in the life of the church... and I must say it has been one of the greatest blessings I have ever had.
I am so thankful to worship together with, not just students, but men and women of faith and maturity. The other church members teach me and encouragement very much.
I also started to help teach a Wednesday night class for 6-8 year olds. That is such a joy from me every week to escape from campus and teach these children the truths of God's word.
The church is one of the greatest gifts God has shared with His people. Why are we not using it more?
16. Laura S said the following at 8:34 AM on May 15:
I have been so blessed to be an active member of my church for the past 10 years. Echoing what many have said, it provides a level of accountability simply not found anywhere else. It has also opened doors of teaching, work, and leadership that I would not have had otherwise.
I know several people who have moved away from my church and have become active in a new church, but never joined the new church. The funny thing is, they expect the same benefits of membership from my church without the responsibility of attending and contributing to my church. They get offended if we don't send them a birthday card or if we take their name out of the church directory. I just wonder, isn't their new church providing these things for them? There are benefits to active membership in a church!
As I am planning to move across the country this summer to work for a Christian ministry in another state, I am a bit apprehensive about finding a new church. I have never gone to church as a "single" before (without my whole family), and the thought of transferring my membership is a painful one. However, knowing how blessed I've been to be a member of local church motives me to make the effort to not only attend, but join and be actively involved in a local church in my new state.
17. v@v said the following at 9:13 AM on May 15:
Interestingly, we don't have a "singles" ministry in my church. And in the over 55 years that my church has been around, I don't think there's ever been one. We do have a youth ministry, which encompasses young adults. Basically, our youth ministry is comprised of baptized, but non-married members. So we have "youth" as young as 12 and as old as late 40s. Once you're married -- you're shipped off to men's/women's ministries (although, my pastor is starting to make exceptions to this, allowing young married youth to continue to participate with the youth ministry). The point is though, while our older youth have discussed the downfalls of not having anything that is "singles" oriented, we are a strong, unified body that finds ways to socialize with other local churches, etc., and find venues of "meeting other" (if that is the concern), or just joining in fellowship. I'm 23, and a leader in our youth ministry (most of the leaders, btw, are "singles" aged). We pour into our highest demographic at the moment, which seems to be tweens, and find other ways to fellowship with other "singles" though our church may not necessarily tailor programs to this demo. I won't critique those who move to another church with stronger programs for kids/singles/marriages, etc., but, when you look closely, you may be able to find that you can grow afterall. :-)
18. Becky F. said the following at 10:25 AM on May 15:
The singles group at my church is pretty much widows and middle-aged women who have never been married. The youngest person in the group is 28, and there's a 10+ year gap between her and the next youngest person in the singles group. Hence the reason I did not want to join that group when I graduated from highschool and youth group (which is for jr. high/highschool age at my church). Most 20-somethings go away to college or quit coming. The pastors tried to start a Sunday morning Bible study recently for 18-30 year olds, but I never went (I'm 22) because I've been attending the adult Bible study since probably my Jr. or Sr. year of highschool.
As for a social/fellowship group, I participate in the adult group, which is made up primarily of the parents of kids I was in youth group with, but I have no qualms hanging out with 30, 40, and 50-somethings.
Even if there was a "college & career" type group at my church I probably wouldn't go. I don't have anything in common with most people my age because I'm married and having a baby. Many of the people I went to highschool/youth group with aren't even in relationships, and are more partiers than I ever was.
There isn't any demand for a "young marrieds" group at my church either, we're just comfortable being with other adults. Some people in my church are into splitting generations into different groups once you hit 20+ years, but the majority of us are fine just mixing all the adults together.
19. Nameless said the following at 3:01 PM on May 15:
"Ask not what your church can do for you, ask what you can do for your church."
Amadeus, I get the feeling that comment was in response to my post above -- and I think it's worthy to note that I have volunteered/wheedled my way into multiple ministries in my church to the point where I am serving in every capacity in which I have any ability. The problem is, many people there still won't take me seriously until I have a certain piece of jewelry adorning my left hand. And children, probably, too.
20. Joe said the following at 3:19 PM on May 16:
Me, My, I,,,etc.. people church is not all about you.