Being Single is Better says Piper

Being Single is Better says Piper
by Candice Watters on 05/01/2007 at 10:01 AM

"To all singles in Christ: God promises you blessings in the age to come that are better than the blessings of marriage and children," so says John Piper in his controversial sermon from last Sunday.

In "Single in Christ: A Name Better Than Sons and Daughters," he asserts:

God ... calls you to display, by the Christ-exalting devotion of your singleness, the truths about Christ and his kingdom that shine more clearly through singleness than through marriage and childrearing. The truths, namely,

1. That the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ.

Not one to mince words, he boldly suggests this is not a calling for the few, but the many, saying:

God promises spectacular blessings to those of you who remain single in Christ, and he gives you an extraordinary calling for your life. To be single in Christ is, therefore, not a falling short of God’s best, but a path of Christ-exalting, covenant-keeping obedience that many are called to walk.

Of course such a high calling is not without responsibility which, thankfully, Piper does not fail to mention. He says,

And with this promise there comes a unique calling and a unique responsibility. It is not a calling to extend irresponsible adolescence into your thirties. It is a calling to do what only single men and women in Christ can do in this world, namely, to display by the Christ-exalting devotion of your singleness the truths about Christ and his kingdom that shine more clearly through singleness than through marriage.

Would that he had written this sermon with an eye not to how things are supposed to be, but how they are. Single Christians are delaying marriage later than ever and the way they spend the long season of singleness is, in far too many cases, a far cry from the Pauline example of celibate service.

The rates of sexual activity outside of marriage -- not even including all the online porn use, masturbation and other forms of self-gratification -- are nearly as high as those of the secular world: fully 77 percent of men raised in Protestant Fundamentalist homes according to the CDC.

I find it utterly irresponsible to preach a sermon about 1 Corinthians 7, encouraging singles to stay single for the kingdom, without including Paul's admonition in verse 2:

But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.

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Comments

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1. josh said the following at 10:44 AM on May 1:

I think this is really good... I was in Y.W.A.M. for over a year and there was always people taking about the gift of singleness (usually women who had a hint of bitterness that they were still single) and it frustrated me because God made us to have a partner, you know the whole beginning of Genisis thing.

I think it is very hard to stay single and that it's by the grace of God that someone can stay single AND pure. Then again it's getting harder to be a Christian today...

BTW we should have a topic on homosexuality and the Bible. I went to a seminar last night at my college by a church that accepts it... there were Christians there that were there just to argue, which I don't think that how God would want us to act... anyways, Boundless step it up and bring it up!

2. Ahnivah said the following at 10:45 AM on May 1:

Lest we forget, Paul says alot of things in 1 Corinthians 7. Things like, "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." 1 Corinthians 7:32-35
Every Christian attempts to persuade others by picking and choosing various verses in the Bible. Whether or not we agree with eachother concering marriage, we as Christians should not attempt to justify our opinions by proof texting the Word of God. Each person should carefully and prayerfully read the TOTAL AND COMPLETE Word and them formulate their views based on the breath and depth of all of it. As a single woman, I have a great desire to be married, but I know that marriage is NOT PROMISED TO ANYONE. Yes, God promises to bless us, but he will bless us as he sees fit, and his blessings will not always initially make us feel good. Is it hard avoiding temptation in today's world? Yes, it is. But if followers of Christ can accept becoming "eunichs" for the kingdom of God, we should accept it, graciously and willingly, knowing that the love of God is greater than anything another person has to give.

3. Sina said the following at 10:48 AM on May 1:

Wow, I read the sermon online and with all due respect to Piper, I honestly don't agree with it. I mean I agree with his points overall (in terms of regeneration, the gift of singleness, etc.). But, I perceive marriage as a negative thing after reading this. Also, I wonder about his eunuch illustration. Aren't eunuchs completely void of sexual interest? That's why eunuchs were allowed to take care of the ladies in the book of Esther right? I personally don't consider myself an eunuch...as far as I know I'm able to bear children. So why not marry? Am I alone with my disagreement or am I missing the point?

4. Zeph Greenwell said the following at 11:01 AM on May 1:

Some people are God wired to not need to marry. Those people who feel they can remain single should. I think of people like Mark Lowry who, I believe, is still single. His ministry is unique to be sure but he has been able to devote himself to it, in part, because of his singleness.

The thing about John Piper's sermon is that he assumes that Christians do not already know that they could devote more of their life to God if they were single. The key word is "could" as opposed to "would". Most people want to get married because God designed us to be married.

The truth is that whether God has command you to be married or to be single it is better to be obedient. We might reason that if we were single we would be able to do more for God but if that is not what he has planned for us then it would not be productive to pursue it. Obedience is key and that is obedience as a single person and obedience in marriage.

5. Mike Theemling said the following at 11:36 AM on May 1:

Addressing his points:

"That the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ"

Truth is it grows by both creating new lives (i.e. babies via sex) and through telling others about Christ. I see nothing in Scripture which indicates that the former is somehow inferior or not preferred to the other.

"That relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families (and, of course, it is wonderful when relationships in families are also relationships in Christ; but we know that is often not the case)"

This is certainly true, but it does not mean that family relationships AREN'T important. The OT talks much about the importance of caring for a family and raising them up in the ways of the Lord (Duet 6:1-3). Paul wrote that "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (1 Tim 5:8).

"That marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church—the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face to face"

Again, a true statement (Luke 20:34-36) but it doesn't negate the fact that God Himself designed men and women to complement each other (Gen 2:24).

"That faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is"

Yes, but again, what is the point here? The two (or more) were never meant to be an mutually exclusive. It was mainly a matter of priority.

As Sina said, a eunuch back in that day was castrated (prob at an early age) and thus had NO sexual desire. How many people today fall into that category?

Pastor Piper himself said “Let him who is able to receive this receive it.”

Problem here is the implication that there exists many more who "are able to receive" than I believe who actually DO exist.

I just look at the numbers of those who masturbate, struggle with porn, etc. (77% to me seems a bit too conservative to me but that probably includes those already married) and I honestly don't see that matching up with the number of singles who SHOULD stay in protracted singleness.

I agree that marriage won't immediately solve "all sexual issues". But frankly, some of my close guy friends stated that although the lust issue never goes away, marriage does help it. After all Paul wrote that any sexual abstention between a husband a wife needs to be mutual and BRIEF:

"Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (1 Cor 7:5).

It would have been better if he would emphasize more on the reality of the situation than maintain an idealogical (and not truly Biblical) standard on the majority of young singles.

6. anonymous said the following at 12:17 PM on May 1:

Maybe I shouldn't be anonymous on this one, but perhaps this is why, as an "older" single, I no longer attend Piper's church. As someone who has struggled with sexual sin for most of my life, and as one who desires a wife, and as one who sat frustrated in that church when Dr. Piper, during a prayer from the pulpit, thanked God for the gift of sexual pleasure (among other things he thanked God for). Almost like dangling a carrot in front of a starving rabbit.

Many of us singles live in UTTER FRUSTRATION!!! I love Boundless, but sometimes I wonder where is the help for us "older" singles (seems like the Church and fellow believers give up on you once you pass 35yrs old or so).

7. Matt Lawson said the following at 12:21 PM on May 1:

Candice,

I am a long time (blog-time) reader and first time poster. I enjoy the numerous posts from Boundless, especially your posts about the story (and its lessons) of you coming to marry Steve. However, I feel compelled to respond to this most recent post that mischaracterizes what John Piper preached.

I started by listening to the audio of the sermon and then skimming the text version and finished by watching pieces of the video to be sure that I'm familiar with the sermon you call "utterly irresponsible". Another commenter mentioned reading the text version and I assume your information is the same text version at best because the audio and video of the sermon refutes and rebukes this post starting at minute 32. Since the sermon was not copied verbatim for the text version I have written down what John Piper said to address the same thing you do. It is my opinion that your general and specific criticism is silenced by listening to what he actually said.

"I can imagine somebody who would rather me not make this emphasis saying: "What this bunch of singles really needs to hear is that they should to stop abdicating their responsibility and postponing the end of adolescence for about 30 years." Well, I've said that if you have ears to hear.

If you think what I'm saying here is a license to extend adolescence to 25 and 30 and 35 while you play computer games and don't take up your cause for Christ and lay your life down for him with all this time you have then you don't understand anything I've said."

Further, based on the text of what he said and his tone of voice and posture (from the video of the sermon) it is clear that this point he makes rebukes the message of your post.

Finally, to make sure I'm making my point I want to quote Motte Brown in Condemning Bad Things is Good, "instead of excusing her behavior because "we're all sinners," we should denounce all indecent behavior, ours and Rosie's, and hold up a higher standard." My sister, you are held to this higher standard (specifically doing your homework) and this behavior is out of character for you from what I have read but none the less indecent. I look forward to reading future Boundless posts.

In hope, love, and Christ,
Matt

8. Betsy said the following at 12:27 PM on May 1:

I believe the title of this post is misleading. Piper says that God promises blessings through singleness that are greater than the blessings of marriage and children. Those blessings largely consist of being used by God to expand his kingdom. These same blessings can be had by those who marry. The point is that while single people may miss out on some blessings that come with marriage, they won't miss out on the greatest blessings of all.

9. MCW said the following at 12:35 PM on May 1:

I agree with Piper's view on the issue of singleness - and I don't think he means that "many" are called to this. After all - he asserts that:

" ...But it does mean that Jesus approves that some of his followers renounce marriage and sexual activity for the sake of serving Christ’s kingdom..." Some does not imply - many. In fact he repeats this by saying what Jesus and Paul said - if you can receive it - then do it!

Paul when he is writing to the Corinthians says that it is better to be single - if we can. Why then does he tell people to be married? It is because as Chistians our primary purpose is to exalt Christ. If we can remain single and be "eunuchs" for the kingdom - good; if we can't be "eunuchs" and single - then we marry because failure to remain sexually inactive when single would be sin and would not exalt Christ. In fact, the most important thing is not about being married or single - it is to love God with our all and to display that in obedience to Him - whatever we are "able to receive".

I agree with Piper on my diminished perspective of heaven and what it will be like to be in Christ's presence - mainly because I don't have anything that comes even close to what that will be like. And maybe one can argue that because marriage mirrors the relationship between the church and Christ - that would be the best way to gain a perspective of it. Yet Paul who was umarried seems absolutely, did I says seems, is absolutely passionate about his life for Christ - both here and in heaven. "To live is Christ and to die is gain".

I guess the question that should over-ride issue of single vs married is - why am I here? Why did God create me? And I guess I am in the camp of "for relationship with Him" and primarily to glorify Him. Seeking His Kingdom comes first everything else follows (its like the set after a play has been written - the words make the play - the set is just there for support not the other way around!).

And as an afterthought, Jesus spoke very little on marriage and a lot on the Kingdom of God.

Single seeking Godly wisdom :)

10. Beth said the following at 1:16 PM on May 1:

"Truth is it grows by both creating new lives (i.e. babies via sex) and through telling others about Christ. I see nothing in Scripture which indicates that the former is somehow inferior or not preferred to the other."

I think Scripture is clear that the kingdom of God is entered by faith, not by natural descent. Having kids is a ministry, sure, but it's not a foolproof way of producing little Christians.

As a single woman in my mid-twenties, I can honestly say that I am content with my singleness and not longing for marriage. I'd accept it if and when it comes, but I do not cry myself to sleep at the thought of remaining single. Perhaps I'm one of the few with the gift of celibacy, but I get frustrated with the Boundless suggestion that anyone who claims contentment in singleness is lying through her teeth.

I'm sometimes guilty of seeking an extended adolescence, and it's something I have to fight against; Piper and Boundless give good advice on that subject. It is too easy to become accustomed to celibacy because of its carefree lifestyle. But let's not gloss over Paul's words about this--he did say that there are advantages and blessings to singleness. And since we are all single for a time, surely we can all learn to accept those blessings graciously and really use that time, not just to seek a husband or wife, but to put our energies heartily into God's work.

11. Sara said the following at 2:08 PM on May 1:

What I have difficulty understanding is why so many people assume that you can't be involved in active Christian ministry and outreach after you're married. I'm currently serving with a missionary orgainization in Ireland. I work with 2 married couples who are vital to the work here--and I believe they are able to do all they do because they have spouses to support them. I also help out once a week at an inner-city mission with a kids outreach. There are several married couples who help out, one of which work full-time there. I believe it all comes down to, if, while you're serving the Lord, you meet someone heading in the same direction, consider if you could continue serving even more effectively, if married. (hope that made sense)

12. Greg said the following at 2:50 PM on May 1:

I will say that I really appreciate John Piper's ministry, and know a lot of people who have been touched by the Lord because of Piper's fervent dedication to the Lord. But, in my opinion, he is somewhat prone to overstatements and leaps of logic sometimes :)

I think the bottom line, really, is obeying God, and not leaning on our own understanding.

Some singles have the gift of celibacy. Some do not, and nevertheless will never marry. I don't think "not having the gift of celibacy" means that you are guaranteed a spouse. These things aren't predictions about the future. God is a lot bigger than that!

I agree with those here who said that ministry is "possible" for married folks. I often have pondered what it means to have an "unselfish marriage" - that is, not only are the husband and wife unselfish toward each other, but also unselfish with each other. It's possible to be "outward focused" to the point of neglecting your relationship, but it's also possible to have a very strong relationship but also be very ingrown (has anyone here read A Severe Mercy?), and that isn't God's best either.

13. Claire said the following at 3:03 PM on May 1:

Piper is sounding a little too much like the Shakers in his points here, especially about Christian regeneration. Anyone else find it interesting that the Shakers died out in about...a generation?

14. Laura said the following at 3:29 PM on May 1:

I usually enjoy Piper's writings, but this bit strikes me wrong. I tend be suspicious (of their own marital happiness) anytime I hear a married person extolling the virtues of singleness. If they really think it's that much better, why are they married?

15. James said the following at 4:26 PM on May 1:

I completely agree with Beths point. Christians are not born, they are born again as taught by our Lord to Nicodemus. This is the point of limited atonement and justification through faith. I am saved through faith..not your faith.

I myself am happily single (age 22) and have no desire for children or marriage. I don't really worry about lonliness, not being an orphan after all i.e holy spirit :) and my joy is in Jesus, not man .I do accept that doesn't mean i can simply sit on my posterier and please myself but that my life must be spent in the service of the Lord. A couple of my own points.

1)The very first verse of corinthians 1:7 says " It is good for a man not to marry/have sexual relations". Pretty straightfoward

2)Why do we feel that (and this is a generalisation i admit) that the most vehement opposition to this teaching is coming from women? Has it touched a nerve?

3) Piper is a good theolgian and some of the criticism is a little to personal i feel. Just because you dom't agree, don't bash him .James 4:11.

4) Be fruitful and multiply was a blessing..not a command as to the fish of the seas and the birds of the air

5) The first job Adam was given was to work the garden, not procreate. We neglect our stewardship of gods creation by neglecting it adding to the demands placed upon it i.e through kids

6) Fill the earth and subdue it. I'd say thats the only command in the passage and as of now we've done that

thoughts?

Think thats all.

16. Dave said the following at 4:43 PM on May 1:

I think you're misinterpreting Piper. If memory serves correct, in one of the panel sessions at Desiring God 2004 Piper commented that he had come to agree with Mohler's position on marriage and encouraging singles to step in that direction.

On the other hand, celibacy is a good thing for those called to it... it should not be universally condemned, although more people may group themselves in this category than actually belong in it.

17. xeres said the following at 5:15 PM on May 1:

James, do you have the gift of celibacy? Judging by your comment, it seems like you do. If that's the reason you are willing to be single for long-term, that's good. There's nothing wrong with that. I hope that's the reason and not because of investing yourself or doing what you want is more important than God, fear/disllusion for relationships (friendships, marriage, etc),or making for yourself into a super Christian (pretty much playing the Jesus plus one game, just in a different style). I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but I just don't like it to when folks use the martial status as an indicater of how faithful, devoted I am to God, when martial status shouldn't even be considered regarding what it means to be 100% devoted to God.

On the side note, despite of Paul's singleness, he deeply understood the value of relationships more than most singles or married couples combined. This is because he loved God so much and had great regard for proclaiming Christ in every scale. If you love God, then you will enjoy the blessings God gives you and appreciate how He moves human lives in His glory :).

18. cn said the following at 7:44 PM on May 1:

in reguards to james comment:

"2)Why do we feel that (and this is a generalisation i admit) that the most vehement opposition to this teaching is coming from women? Has it touched a nerve?"

it has touched a nerve and i'm not sure its a nerve a man can understand because his biology and physiology cause him to have a different desire for marriage and children than women often have. His timeline is different and his emotional nature is different.
i do believe Piper was well intended in his sermon but teachings in the church such as this do make me, a 24 year old single woman, feel as those a covering of protection over my God given and biblical desire to be a wife and a mother has been lifted.
so yes, teachings towards singleness do touch a nerve in the hearts of many women because they don't do anything to help bring about the desires of many of our hearts.

19. Apryl said the following at 11:16 PM on May 1:

Contentment in my circumstances is something I have to work on daily with the Lord. And that's in everything (job, location, etc), not just with my singleness.

I agree with Laura's post... I hadn't thought of it that way, but it is interesting to hear singleness praised so highly by one who is married.

I'll admit I have some selfish reasons for wanting to be married, but the more I hand my life over to Christ and tune into the desires of His heart, the more I want my marriage to be focused on the Lord's agenda and having a ministry that reaches outward (as Greg mentioned above).

I agree with those who said marriage isn't better than singleness or vice versa. Sometimes I do think life will be better when I'm married, but I know that my happiness doesn't depend on my being married or single but on God Himself.

20. Curt said the following at 11:30 PM on May 1:

There are a lot of good comments here, but I think that Piper's sermon was very solid. Adam's post in this thread is right on. http://www.boundlessline.org/2007/05/maken_on_piper.html
I am single and 49. My ministry has always been with college/career age and I have been on staff at a very large church in that capacity in the past. I've seen and been through a lot in the church.
My problem with the church's view and handling of singleness is that because they basically view it as unnatural, it has huge consequences for the ministry of the single person and the work of the Kingdom. I think if the church would embrace the teaching of Jesus and Paul on this subject (which for the most part they completely ignore), there are many single people that would find their calling in Christ so compelling that marriage would not be the primary goal of their life. That is not to say that there would never be a problem with desire or lust- heck, all the married people I know that are honest still struggle with that. Undoubtedly, marriage helps in that regard, but it obviously doesn't solve the problem since pornography, adultery and divorce are as big a problem in the church as in society.
I'm not sure of all the ways you help single people (and the church) sort all this out, but empowering them to go out and do ministry without the underlying pressure to get married would certainly help. And that might be the perfect way for singles who are destined for marriage to discover their calling too. I've written a little more about this over at my blog if you are interested.

Curt

21. Philippa said the following at 9:09 AM on May 2:

Beth, I understand, but I hope that you meet that 'special someone' in either your late twenties or early thirties, as I had hoped to do, and that you never get to the stage where you 'cry yourself to sleep at the thought of remaining single'.

Celibacy is vastly over-rated, in my opinion (okay, okay, I have some friends who say that sex is too, LOL). But it was Dr Johnson who remarked: “Marriage has many pains but celibacy no pleasures.” Quite.

James said:

I myself am happily single (age 22) and have no desire for children or marriage. I don't really worry about loneliness, not being an orphan after all i.e holy spirit :) and my joy is in Jesus, not man .I do accept that doesn't mean i can simply sit on my posterior and please myself but that my life must be spent in the service of the Lord.

James, I hate to sound patronising, but it’s easy to make big pronouncements – you don’t want marriage and children, you don’t worry about loneliness, etc. – when you’re only 22 and have your whole life ahead of you. I don't blame anyone for wanting some freedom during their 20s: I understand it. But make sure that you really are called to celibacy. Don't drift along because being single is easy, you don't like the thought of being tied down and time is on your side. The world will look very different when you're 32 and 42.

As for your joy being in Jesus ... well, of course all of us, whether single or married, need to put Him first. But God also designed us for human intimacy, companionship and love, so let's not be all super-spiritual about it.

1)The very first verse of corinthians 1:7 says " It is good for a man not to marry/have sexual relations". Pretty straightforward.

You cannot isolate a particular verse without considering the rest of St Paul's teaching and also what Scripture says overall about marriage, sexuality and celibacy. The Bible has more to say on this subject besides 1 Cor: 7:1!

2) Why do we feel that (and this is a generalisation I admit) that the most vehement opposition to this teaching is coming from women? Has it touched a nerve?

Of course it’s touched a nerve. Christian singles are not magically asexual!

My problem with John Piper’s sermon is not that he extols vocational singleness, i.e. singleness for the sake of the Kingdom. I agree with him about that.

No, my problem is that John Piper paints singleness in an idealised golden glow. The impression I get from his sermon is that single Christians are super-saints, breezing through life on a great cloud of glory, never suffering the pains and struggles that ordinary mortals endure. And he doesn’t even mention circumstantial singleness, which is where the vast majority of Christian singles find themselves stuck.

I feel for the anonymous commenter who left Piper’s church.

Sara is also quite right about married people being able to serve God just as effectively as singles. That’s how my best friend met her husband: they were both working for the same mission agency and continued to do so after they got married.

Look, we're all going to be single in heaven. It's just that some of us wouldn't mind having a break from that while we're here on earth. *wry smile*

22. K said the following at 11:06 AM on May 2:

I think Phillipa has said it best, the bible does have alot more to say than 1 Cor 7:1 and we can't make doctrines from reading portions of scripture without considering the whole book. If so why is no one raving about the truth that in the beginning God said it is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a helper...(paraphrased) - not a christian companion brother to help me around the garden but a helper. I guess what i am saying is God institutes marriage and blesses it and he is the one that said it is not good for man to be alone - simple.

23. Maranatha said the following at 10:15 AM on May 4:

Following this weekend’s sermon entitled “Single in Christ: A Better Name Than Sons and Daughters,” Pastor John Piper received a letter asking, “If what you say about the blessing of singleness is true, then why would one even want to be married?” Here is his response.

The paragraph above was found here: Justin Taylor's Blog

24. James said the following at 8:17 AM on May 7:

To respond

Philippa, no, in no way do I find what you said patronising. But a couple of points. Firstly your last statement

"Look, we're all going to be single in heaven. It's just that some of us wouldn't mind having a break from that while we're here on earth. *wry smile*
"

This statement worries me slightly. You seem to equate being single with being alone and this is simply unbiblical. You are unmarried perhaps, but not alone. This is one of the reasons that I am weary of the word single and choose not to use it. When you die and are raised, you will be in eternal communion with God and with us, so in no way will you be "single". The reason marriage does not exist with God is 1) we are His bride 2) No procreation. This also implies that the male and female genders will pass away, but that’s another story. But Jesus said that He wasn’t going to leave us as orphans and sent the Counsellor to us for that purpose. No Christian is alone. Period. It simply doesn’t work that way. Please see what an encouragement this is.

Secondly you wrote

“I hate to sound patronising, but it’s easy to make big pronouncements – you don’t want marriage and children, you don’t worry about loneliness, etc. – when you’re only 22 and have your whole life ahead of you. I don't blame anyone for wanting some freedom during their 20s: I understand it. But make sure that you really are called to celibacy. Don't drift along because being single is easy, you don't like the thought of being tied down and time is on your side. The world will look very different when you're 32 and 42.”

First of all, I may not have my whole life ahead of me. I frankly have little idea of what’s going to happen in the next 5 minutes, let alone tomorrow. Focussing on possible events in the future is inherently unwise and we are told not to do it. Nor are we to say what we will do (James 4:13-17) since this is up to God. Maintaining an earthly world view focussed on earthly things will not help either, rather we are to focus our eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith and do His Fathers will, not our own. But what’s the point here? The point is that marriage, children etc are an earthly care that can (and for many do) become a false idol that will ultimately pass away. I accept now (and this is only recent) that if God were to call me to marry and be a father, then I would obey. Admittedly, it is rather hard to say that. I would much rather determine my own future and this is one area where I struggle to do Gods will, or at least to discern it.

You also wrote

“But God also designed us for human intimacy, companionship and love, so let's not be all super-spiritual about it.”

And

“Of course it’s touched a nerve. Christian singles are not magically asexual! “

Firstly, yes we are meant for all those things. But all those “needs” can be found and met in service to God and His church so lets not be unspiritual either. God is Love. More powerful, fulfilling and rewarding than any persons could be. Its also free and trustworthy. The Church is our family, where we find fellowship and our place in His plan. No we are not asexual, however much of a gift that would be, but like all things our sexuality exists for a reason. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” and it also is written “Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.” This is why were created as sexual beings, not for ourselves, but for those who would follow us, to do Gods will. For those without the desire for children/marriage (which can’t be separated as far as I’m concerned) our sexuality becomes nothing more than a symptom of our humanity, not its dominant feature. I am who I am because of God, not sex.

Does marriage promote holiness? I would say yes. Reciprocal self sacrifice is a wonderful way of practicing it. But the best place to become Holy is in the Church. Do i stumble with lust? Yes, but by Gods grace less frequently than i used to and in time (once my hormones finally come down :) phew!) even less so.

Finally, God made us for Him. Marriage is for man, not man for marriage. To the men listening, if you want a wife, Go and get her! To the women who wish to be wives, my heart goes out to you. But to the purposefully single, we have a job to do,so lets get to it.

Under Mercy

25. BDB said the following at 11:56 AM on May 7:

>>Does marriage promote holiness? I would say yes. Reciprocal self sacrifice is a wonderful way of practicing it. But the best place to become Holy is in the Church.<<

You know, C.S. Lewis didn't get married until he was in his 50's. I haven't seen any of the "marry young" commentators claim he was disobedient to God's will (yet). They are wise to hold their tongues.

But he DID get married after he met his intellectual match. Shortly thereafter she died of cancer, and he raised her sons. I met one of them (Douglas Gresham) once. By all accounts he was a good stepfather.

Lewis definitely noted, after he was married, that marriage may be the one relationship that pushes us to understand God's sacrificial love.

26. Philippa said the following at 5:18 PM on May 7:

James:

My "single in heaven" remark was a light-hearted quip.

I believe that all earthly pleasures, including sexual love, are mere shadows and copies of the everlasting joys that await us in heaven, in the marvellous consummation of our union with Christ.

But I am intrigued, James: if you are so confident that you are "purposefully single", with "a job to do", then why do you say:

You are unmarried perhaps, but not alone. This is one of the reasons that I am weary of the word single and choose not to use it.

I'll swiftly pass over your comment about me being unmarried but not alone. Christians can suffer many things, including aloneness. "God alone is enough", as Teresa of Avila said, but He also commanded us to love each other. "God alone is enough" - yes, He is, but He also designed us to love and be loved whilst on this earth.

I return to my challenge: how come you champion "purposeful singleness" and yet "are weary of the term single"? If you choose not to use the word single about yourself, how then do you define yourself? If "purposeful singleness" is so marvellous, how come you express a certain amount of ambivalence, even unease, about being called single?

To the men listening, if you want a wife, Go and get her! To the women who wish to be wives, my heart goes out to you.

Well, that's very compassionate of you. Clearly you don't assume that these women are "purposefully single", so presumably you have no objection to a woman being proactive towards marriage. ;)

BDB, I appreciate what you say about marriage being the most sacrificial relationship. I have come to believe that people expend themselves - for better or worse - in marriage more than any other relationship here on earth. It is "disturbingly intense, disruptively involving, and that is exactly the way it was designed to be." (Mike Mason, 'The Mystery of Marriage')

27. Leah said the following at 7:53 PM on May 7:

James- i would seriously object to the idea of asexuality being a gift. I believe our sexuality as it is is a gift! God could have made as asexual if he desired, but he obviously wanted to create the intimacy of a sexual relationship for humans. He loves us and he knows that sexual relationships are a good thing. And that is a "need" that can NOT be met by the church! That is why only those who can actually manage celibacy should remain unmarried.

I also think you are very erroneous to think that you'll be able to manage your lust once your "hormones come down"- the founder of Playboy is in his 70s and still very much involved in the Playboy empire!

If you are stumbling with lust, you need to do something about it- not just think "I'll be ok once my hormones come down". I'm not saying the following should be *your* solution, but the main solution is marriage. I'm not saying "get married to avoid lust"- it doesn't work that way. But it HELPS. Remember what Paul said about it being better to marry than burn with passion? Marriage is certainly helpful in that battle. It should not be treated as a fool-proof solution, but it HELPS.

28. James said the following at 5:26 AM on May 8:

To respond to some of the comments.

Firstly to Philippa, thanks for taking the time to read what I had to say. But to answer you challenge. Personally, I don’t really mind what people refer to me as (and in my time much good and bad has been said ;)) but I confess I am not a big fan of terms because of their propensity to pigeon hole people, so that they then become easier to deal with. We have student ministry, singles ministry, with a set of beliefs for what the peoples they encompass need when what we should really have is just Ministry. For this reason I’m terribly uneasy about splitting congregations up into families, kids etc. If we refer to the acts of the apostles we see that they were together, all of them (young and old) the whole time and that our attempts to prioritise “need” is misguided in that what really should happen is the community of the Church. But to return to the point (sorry lol!) single implies to me someone who is divorced from the fellowship of the church. Unmarried is a far more revealing and accurate statement which I am happy with. Perhaps we should simply (as Rick Warren has) refer to a Purpose Driven Life in the service of God.

Secondly you wrote “God alone is enough" - yes, He is, but He also designed us to love and be loved whilst on this earth.”

We, and that is English speaking people, unfortunately have only one word for love that we use to encompass a myriad of different emotions and behaviours. The Greeks, on the other hand, were much wiser and separated it into Eros (sexual love) Philia (brotherly love) and Agape, which actually can also be translated as Charity as in the King James bible (worth a look). With this in mind, it is Agape, the self sacrificial giving of ourselves to God and His church, which we are to practice towards one another and within the church because the cross is the greatest example of Gods Agape towards the Human race. Eros, yes is to occur between married couples but since every Human being experiences Eros to some degree, why command it? Generally Jesus’ teachings are those which go against our sinful nature and this makes it likely (am I sure this is the word used in the Greek New testaments) that Agape is what we are to display cf the Greatest Commandment. Many people express eros, few philia and even less Agape. Remember it is by agape we make Him known.
Finally
“Well, that's very compassionate of you. Clearly you don't assume that these women are "purposefully single", so presumably you have no objection to a woman being proactive towards marriage. ;)”
Oh that’s a can of worms right there . Honestly, It depends what you mean. Men should ask women. If they don’t its out of cowardice (too many “nice” guys and not enough men I feel) and they need to get active. Women like to be pursued, both in my experience and (shock horror) from having asked them. I think my mother said it best: “It’s nice to be chased but not if you have to turn around every five minutes and say “Well, are you coming or not?””
To Leah. First and foremost, actually sexual relations are not a need as far as I would understand it. A want, a hope, a desire certainly but not a need. You need food and water as without them your body will die, but you don’t need sexual intercourse. It’s good for you, both emotionally and believe it or not physically, but it’s not a need. Neither is it a right. As you said it’s a gift and these are given, not demanded nor expected.
Secondly, I understand the point you were trying to make with the Hugh Heffner analogy but notice, and this is meant as a statement not a judgment, he is actively involved in sexual intimacy with women to whom he is not married. Lust can be defeated completely but I will always, until death, be a man with a man’s desire for sex and there is a major difference between the two. One is selfish and seeks personal gratification, the other seeks to honour God and through sanctification one is put to death and the other raised to Life. That doesn’t ever mean it goes away. As a man, our Lord had a sexuality, as did Adam pre fall. Being completely human meant that God as man was just that. This is also useful in remembering that in the fight against all types of temptation He knows what its like. But we should noy be a slave to our own passions and marriage to battle lust is again self interested because you place your own desires above them. You can sin sexually with you spouse much in the same way as any other form sin in the putting of you first.
If I’m stumbling periodically with Lust, then I am to , in union with the spirit put it to death, which is my aim and I do feel that having passed my “sexual peak” of 19 (believe it or not) things will become much easier as I age and experience the natural loss of libido that comes with it. I don't resent it. I will embrace it. This culture is all too often in a rush to promote libido (as seen with all the new treatments to promote it amongst women). Perhaps we should be first in line with the message that both it, and the rest of our bodies will fade, but that our covenant with God lasts forever.

Under Mercy.

29. Philippa said the following at 10:14 AM on May 8:

James, please don't ever assume that sexual temptation somehow becomes easier when you're older, both physically and in the sense of being more mature in the faith.

So the form of the temptation to illicit passion may not be a full-scale onslaught. But it can be very subtle. Do not ever think we ever become magically immune from this kind of temptation. Age and libido are irrelevant: frankly, the libido can be awakened at any age. Only the grace of God can keep us sexually pure.

I agree with the way you differentiate between lust and sexual desire. That is wise. Richard Foster says in his excellent book Money, Sex and Power that all lust involves sexual desire, but not all sexual desire involves lust. Foster makes the point that when Jesus condemns adultery of the heart, He is not condemning a man appreciating a woman's physical beauty. What He condemns is lust, the desire to possess and use another human being for our own selfish gratification.

You are right about women wanting to be pursued. Since you sound like an intelligent and thoughtful young man, I hope that you will find, and pursue, a godly, intelligent and attractive bride-to-be.

Sooner rather than later. ;)

30. Soltero said the following at 6:09 PM on Jan 3:

37. Single. Male. In love with Jesus. Absolutely no desire to marry or have children. It is hard to describe, but I'll take a shot: I am complete, as Jesus completes me. I am not lonely or anxious about not dating or having a mate. My primary stress is well meaning Christian brothers and sisters (whom I love very much - they are my family) who are intent on stuffing me into the (for me) ill-fitting bonds of holy matrimony. I have an incredibly deep love and respect for what Abba has created between man and woman. It is a blessing; and I love my married friends. I love the unity and the ebb and flow of the Spirit between them. It's miraculously good. It is just not something that I have ever felt compelled to seek for myself. On my personal singleness, I have to say that the thing that brings me most joy is the fact that I can relate to females with a pure, unexpecting, Jesus-like love. This is a blessing and a joy. Sometimes this is misunderstood, which is sad.

This state is natural for me, and does not cause me any stress, frustration, or loneliness in itself. It is the pressure and uncomfortable urging of others that is difficult for me. It sometimes feels as if "getting hitched" is a precondition for a deep friendship. I do understand that they believe they are helping, but I'd prefer that they hear my heart on the matter.

I understand it's hard to comprehend someone that is not like you, especially if you are part of the mainstream majority of Christians and live a Spirit- and joy-filled life. These things that bring you joy are so because these desires have been put in your heart. For some, those desires are nonexistent; our Father is extravagant in His provision for diversity, and in His giftings.

31. Philippa said the following at 9:26 AM on Jan 4:

@ Soltero (30):

Wow. Yes, you are unusual. Very.

I can honestly say I've never met anyone like you. And I'm rather older than you and have many Christian friends, both married and single.

[Well, there was one other person (another guy, as it happens) I once had a conversation with online who insisted he had a call to celibacy. He also kept on emailing me ... which intrigued me, because he continued to be very insistent that he really did have a call to celibacy and wasn't interested in pursuing a woman.

Uh-huh. ;) ]

You seem to be utterly sincere, so far be it from me to doubt you. :) (And yes, it is annoying when married friends put pressure on one. I do agree!)

I remember Debbie Maken saying in her (infuriating) book Getting Serious about Getting Married that very few people are actually gifted with the genuine gift of celibacy. (She didn't believe in the 'gift of singleness', which is one of the few things I agreed with her about. :D)

Maken also said that the genuine gift of celibacy meant that the true Christian celibate didn't have any sexual desire. She didn't elaborate on this, or expand on it from Scripture, neither did she say whether she'd ever actually MET anyone who was magically asexual. Hmmmm!

But when you say you have no desire to be married or have children, Soltero, do you also mean you have no sexual desire? Forgive me if this is an impertinent enquiry and don't answer if you feel it would be inappropriate.

I am honestly intrigued, is all. (Of course lots of non-Christians have sex without getting married or having children! But that's not relevant here ...)

The other thing I note, Soltero, is that you say you are very much 'in love with Jesus'.

This also made me sit up because some Christian men on this site really scoff at what they call 'Jesus is my boyfriend' theology. Yet you seem unabashed about using 'lover-type' language about Him. As a single woman, I personally would not be comfortable about saying I was in love with Jesus. I'm just not that comfortable about using romantic language about our Lord. (And yes, I know He is the lover of our souls.) But I have no hesitation in saying I love Him.

Maybe this is just a matter of semantics. But it makes me ponder ...

32. James said the following at 2:36 PM on Jan 4:

Maken also said that the genuine gift of celibacy meant that the true Christian celibate didn't have any sexual desire. She didn't elaborate on this, or expand on it from Scripture, neither did she say whether she'd ever actually MET anyone who was magically asexual. Hmmmm!

That is one of those common fallacies that is often thrown around without any Scriptural backing (aside perhaps from a misunderstanding of "eunuch" in Matthew 19).

I too am a male with (I believe) the gift of celibacy, and at least for myself, it does not entail a complete lack of sexual desire. Paul says that it is better to marry than to "burn", and I do think I experience less of that type of burning sexual desire than some other men, but sexual desire is still present and lust is still a battle.

And Soltero, for what it is worth, I share your occasional frustration with the well-intentioned machinations of others. Often the most difficult part of lifelong singleness seems to be the desire of others to "fix" the situation. I think sermons like Piper's are reminders that are periodically needed to remind congregations that singleness is indeed commended as better in Scripture, and that marriage, while good, is temporary.

33. Philippa said the following at 6:39 AM on Jan 6:

That is one of those common fallacies that is often thrown around without any Scriptural backing (aside perhaps from a misunderstanding of "eunuch" in Matthew 19).

Well, with me, James, you're preaching to the choir. ;) Debbie Maken never elaborated further in her book what she actually meant by the gift of celibacy: all she said was that it was rare, and difficult, and also that the true celibate wasn't particularly interested in sex. This all sounded very convenient and black-and-white to me. If that really were true, the single life would be a lot easier for Christians ...!!

When you say you have the gift of celibacy, do you mean you see it as temporal thing (i.e. God gives us the grace to live chaste lives while we are single) or a permanent thing (i.e. like a vocation)?

By the way, if anybody can point me in the direction of sound, practical application of Jesus' teaching in Matthew 19 on eunuchs and the kingdom, I'd be grateful. Of course I know what a eunuch is, LOL. But I don't know how that 1st century fact (i.e. there really were men who had been made eunuchs in that ancient culture) actually translates to 21st century reality (I don't know anyone who has had their private bits surgically removed in order to make them asexual!!)

As for me ... I believe I was made for marriage and I will go on praying and trusting to that end ... and also endeavouring to live a faithful, useful, God-honouring life in the process, I hasten to add. :) No passively waiting around and pining for the mythical knight-on-a-charger for this lady. ;)

34. Haakon Ragnskjold said the following at 2:18 AM on Dec 23:

Phillippa said,"Celibacy is vastly over-rated, in my opinion (okay, okay, I have some friends who say that sex is too, LOL). But it was Dr Johnson who remarked: “Marriage has many pains but celibacy no pleasures.” Quite."
Can't agree. I consider myself abstinent [a word I prefer to celibate]. I find a lot of joy in that state—the same kind of joy a marathon runner feels when he finally crosses the finish line. It's a hard fight—but there's NOTHING like that feeling of triumph and victory. NOTHING!
A quote from Johnson invites one in return:
"There is no observation more frequently made by such as employ themselves in surveying the conduct of mankind, than that marriage, though the dictate of nature, and the institution of Providence, is yet very often the cause of misery, and that those who enter into that state can seldom forbear to express their repentance, and their envy of those whom either chance or caution hath withheld from it."

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