Why Not Live Together?
by Candice Watters on 04/02/2007 at 9:12 AM
Have you ever considered moving in with your boyfriend? If you have, or are seriously tempted to do it, consider:
It is common knowledge that women and children suffer more poverty after a cohabiting relationship breaks up, but it's not so well understood that there is typically an economic imbalance in favor of the man within such relationships, too. While couples who live together say that they plan to share expenses equally, more often than not the women support the men. Studies show that women typically contribute more than 70 percent of the income in a cohabiting relationship. Likewise, the women tend to do more of the cleaning, cooking and laundry. If they are students, as is often the case, and facing economic or time constraints that require a reduction in class load, it is almost invariably the woman, not the man, who drops a class.
Janice Shaw Crouse, Ph.D., lists this and other common myths about cohabiting in her article "The Myths and Reality of Living Together Without Marriage." It's a quick and worthwhile read. As convincing as moral arguments are for lots of believers, others need a reality check comprised of practical, financial reasons for passing on the shared apartment.
1. John M. said the following at 10:08 AM on Apr 2:
Leaving aside the spiritual implications, I have no idea why a woman would want to live with a man without being married. I mean the situation is totally to his advantage and totally to her disadvantage. He gets all the sexual activity he wants without having to commit to anything, and if he gets tired of it he can just leave. And for the woman’s part, what about the small but nontrivial chance that she gets pregnant? Then she’s left with three very distasteful options. She can have an abortion, she can HOPE the guy sticks around to help her raise the child, or she can try to raise it on her own and HOPE she can get child support from him. I’ve never understood it.
2. Brooke said the following at 10:31 AM on Apr 2:
I believe that secular research also shows that couples who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to get divorced than couples who do not live together before marriage.
3. Becky said the following at 12:05 PM on Apr 2:
There are also secular studies showing that married couples who cohabitated prior to marriage have lower sexual satisfaction than those who did not cohabitate. One explanation given is that the trust necessary for a good sexual relationship never fully develops in cohabitating couples. When you're with a partner who cannot control him- or herself sexually by waiting until marriage, there's always that doubt lingering in the back of your mind that you were truly the only one.
4. Jonathan from Canada said the following at 3:14 PM on Apr 2:
Haha, this will serve to discourage women.
I wonder if any guys out there are newly encouraged to pursue the idea.
5. Sarah said the following at 3:20 PM on Apr 2:
I wonder how these statistics compare to how it goes when one is married.
This way of thinking strikes me as odd. If you can't trust someone enough to live with them, how on earth could you trust them enough to marry them?
6. Jethro said the following at 3:39 PM on Apr 2:
Yet it's perfectly acceptable for a married man to support his wife. By the logic of this article men should be running from marriage.....
7. KJ said the following at 4:02 PM on Apr 2:
And it's a sad commentary on the state of Christian thought when Bible-believing Christians need financial reasons to convince them not to live in immorality.
8. Dale said the following at 4:25 PM on Apr 2:
I never did understand the whole concept. Why do women shortchange themselves so much?
From friends that do cohabit for the reasons of avoiding the mess of divorce, it is generally 100x messier trying to seperate what belongs to who without the help of the law.
9. Beth said the following at 4:26 PM on Apr 2:
I have read a lot on this issue, mostly from a secular point of view, and the book that I remember best ("Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders: Turning revolving-door romance into lasting love" by Willard F. Harley) supports the view that living together before marriage is a bad idea, but not for the exact reasons that have been stated here.
The major difference between co-habiters and those who marry and then live together is that those who live together before marriage have an attitude of "renting." They are trying to prevent disaster by living together and testing it out, so to speak. But what they actually end up doing is having the attitude that, if things get tough, there's a way out. This extends even if they live together and then get married. This is why they are more likely to divorce.
10. Jake said the following at 5:32 PM on Apr 2:
Several other commenters have already said something similar to what I was going to say: this post perfectly illustrates the problem with making pragmatic arguments rather than moral ones. The paragraph quoted might dissuade women from living with their boyfriends, but if taken to its logical conclusion, it encourages men to do so. According to this logic, I should attempt to live in sin with a girlfriend, because then she will support me financially, cook for me, and do my laundry.
KJ, what makes you think Bible-believing Christians need financial reasons to convince them not to live in immorality, other than the fact that this is posted here? Boundless has a bit of a tendency to preach to the choir. Unless they think a significant number of unbelievers read the site and are open to the arguments presented here, it's not likely that Boundless's audience really needs to be reminded that living together outside marriage is wrong.
John M: you said "I mean the situation is totally to his advantage and totally to her disadvantage. He gets all the sexual activity he wants without having to commit to anything, and if he gets tired of it he can just leave." What makes you think that is to a woman's disadvantage? This kind of statement is why the left is always bashing us for thinking that women don't like or don't care about sex. The notion that an unmarried living situation is unsatisfactory to women is only true if we assume that women have some innate desire to tie sex to commitment, that these women are "settling" for an arrangement they don't really want. Given the increasingly debauched nature of both sexes in our society, it's looking more and more like this isn't the case.
11. KJ said the following at 6:51 PM on Apr 2:
Jake:
It was Candice's last sentence -- "As convincing as moral arguments are for lots of believers, others need a reality check comprised of practical, financial reasons for passing on the shared apartment" -- that made me think there were Christians who might not be absolutely certain on this one.
I saw a movie awhile back called "Time Changer." It was a halfway decent Christian movie about a seminary professor in the 1890's who writes a book claiming that making a moral argument for doing right is sufficient, and citing the Bible is unnecessary. A professor who disagrees with him packs him into a time machine and sends him forward about 100 years. He sees our society the way it is today and is horrified, because he realizes that without biblical authority, there really is no authority at all.
I guess that's what bothers me about this post -- the notion that Christians might need a reason besides Christ's teaching to convince them to live morally.
12. Dale said the following at 7:20 PM on Apr 2:
Jake,
When looking at the argument about how cohabiting favors men, you need to factor in the nature of the individual man.
Men who by their own individual character regularly "mooch" off women are going to be drawn to this type of relationship as opposed to the majority of men who actually work for their own money.
13. DanL said the following at 9:35 PM on Apr 2:
I’m ashamed to say, that my fist thought about living together is that it I would never want to do it because I want the comfort and safety that marriage would bring. That’s not say that I disagree with any of the Biblical reasons, but I guess my first thought is just about my own insecurities (which probably doesn’t speak too highly of me).
I’ve never understood those who would live together, but not marry for fear of divorce. It seems like if you breakup in such a case you are basically going though a divorce whether you choose to call it that or not. One of my close friends who spend several years living with her boyfriends she became a Christian and moved out, has told me that emotional trauma does seem just a divorce.
14. Leah said the following at 11:21 PM on Apr 2:
Jethro, men are supposed to be the providers, and from all accounts that I have heard and read, men instinctively desire to be the provider (especially so among Christians).
15. Darin said the following at 11:59 PM on Apr 2:
I've met a number of people through my job who live together without a committment and their primary reason is that their lack of committment is like insurance against being taken for granted. Translated that means: By subjecting my partner to the constant threat that I might leave, I can control my partners behavior to my own benefit. In other words, they don't want to give up their self-centered lifestyle of manipulation. (Amazing isn't it, how people can make selfishness and manipulation sound so noble!)
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 16:25 -- So much for secular human wisdom.
16. Iris said the following at 3:25 AM on Apr 3:
I live in Holland, where the norm seems to be to live together before marriage. There aren't many people who don't live together before getting married anymore, at least this is the trend I see around me outside of the church (and, I hate to say, this is also becoming a trend in some of the more mainstream denominations here). While I totally believe living together before marriage is biblically wrong, some of the reasons given in the article don't seem to be as true for the Dutch. I think part of that is because living together here is legally encouraged, you can have a registered partnership (something which is required when you buy a house together). In my husband's family (non-believers) all 3 siblings lived together before marrying (which they did once they had children on the way) and they put a lot of pressure on us to do the same, the main reason being that it would better financially. I think alot of people here (falsely) view marriage and living together as the same thing, just without the piece of paper.
17. Sarah said the following at 6:54 AM on Apr 3:
Hey, I was reading this discussion and I felt it was a little bit too harsh. It's not to say that I disagree with what you are all pointing out about what is right for a Christian couple, but I disagree with some of the comments about non-Christians having a "renting" attitude or men just getting what they want without commitment. That's not to say it doesn't happen but not everyone is like that, I know quite a few non-Christian couples who have lived together before marriage, if I'm honest one of these couples would possibly be the best example of a married couple that I could think of, and want my relationship to be like.
I would love to move in with my fiance, but I'm not going to because we're waiting until we get married. It's not even about having sex or not, it's about wanting to be around the person you love, and sometimes it's about convenience, because we're seeing each other late at night, then all the next day on most weekends. But I'm not going to because I don't think God would be happy about that.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
18. EmmaLee said the following at 9:27 AM on Apr 3:
Sarah,
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I felt the same about my fiance. I couldn't wait to get to share my life with him, to wake up next to him and to not have to say goodbye every night. We ended up deciding to move up our wedding date. We decided that if we were ready to live together, then we were ready to get married. I know that I wouldn't have survived the extra year and a half we were supposed to be engaged for.
19. Brooke said the following at 10:40 AM on Apr 3:
I might add that I probably do contribute about 60-70% of the income in my marriage, as the wife. This is as a result of our careeer choices and my husband works a full-time job, and often works longer hours than I do. I don't support him, but we contribute to our marriage together. I can't help wonder at the backlash in the Christian community against woman who have higher incomes.
20. Darin said the following at 5:51 PM on Apr 3:
If I'm reading the post correctly, it sounds as if we are talking about "believers" who need more than just the moral "Word of God" argument against cohabitation before marriage.
Well, I don't find that attitude acceptable for a believer. When Christ spoke to the woman at the well who had gone through five husbands and was cohabitating with a man she wasn't married to...did he give her a lecture on the financial disadvantages of the arrangement? Of course not! God's word stands on it's own. So why give validity to human arguments?
Likewise, when Paul spoke to the church in Corinth (1 Corinthians chapter 5), what did he say to do with the immoral brother? Did he tell the church, "Well, I guess that he just can't accept the authority of God's word, so we'll have to try and convince him with human logic." Of course not! He said to expel the immoral brother. Paul considered God's word to be authority enough.
I'm not saying that it's wrong to do studies from the standpoint of human logic. I think that such studies can be helpful in demonstrating to UNBELIEVERS that God's word is beyond human wisdom. But for believers??? That's an oxymoron. Either you have faith in God's word or you don't.
Something else; let's stop calling it "cohabitation" or "living together" and start calling it for what it really is (i.e. sexual immorality).
21. Sarah said the following at 3:52 AM on Apr 4:
Hi EmmaLee,
We were planning on only having a three month engagement because we were so excited about getting married but now it's going to be November - I'm counting down the months!
I hope everything goes well for you and your fiance!
Sarah :)
22. Rudo said the following at 1:43 AM on Apr 18:
hi i wanted to ask a question. my boyfriend and i are both christian and live in different cities and are both at uni and only get to see each other during breaks and so we sometimes stay together. what would you do in such a situation
23. Joan said the following at 8:26 PM on Jun 7:
My situation is different than the typical one you are speaking about. I've already been married once and my children are grown. I have a lot more money than the man I love. We work in close areas and want to see each other when we're not working. Why maintain two separate houses? We would get married except that would cause a whole bunch of financial problems. I want to live with him as a Christian but avoid all of that mess! That's my reason for wanting to live with a man at age 50. It really is a good answer for both of us!
24. Allyson said the following at 8:00 AM on Nov 5:
Let me just start out by saying that I can see all of the sides. I am a Christian who, like all of us, struggles every day with knowing the right thing to do yet sometimes choosing the wrong thing simply because I am impatient or I think I have a better answer than God, or sometimes simply that I worry more about my own happiness than trying to do God's will. Everyone struggles with this at times. My main reason for this post is that I would like to say something to Joan. You stated that you want to live with the man you love as a Christian and "avoid all that mess". I would simply like to say that it is not your job to "avoid all that mess". If you are doing things God's way, (meaning getting married before you live together) God will resolve all of that mess for you. It seems that you are struggling with the same problem that the rest of humanity struggles with every day. You know what is the right thing, and you want to do the right thing, but fear creeps in and scares you away from doing the right thing. Don't forget that God can dispell your fear, and point you in the right direction for the solution to all of your problems. When you demonstrate faith in God, and His will, He will carry the rest of your burdens for you.
25. Sara said the following at 9:06 PM on Nov 26:
Hello just wondering if anyone was going to respond to Rudo's question about a boyfriend from out of town and visiting her...where should he stay...would it be appropriate for him to stay at her place in a different room? Only if there were others living in the home or if only Rudo was there? If sexual immorality is not a problem would it be a sin for him to stay?
26. Ted Slater said the following at 8:55 AM on Nov 27:
Rudo, let me respond to your question.
I would advise against staying together when your boyfriend is in town. It's not merely that it "looks" wrong (to neighbors, to friends, to family, etc.), but it truly does provide a very tempting situation for the two of you to fall into sin.
You and your boyfriend are drawn to each other, and if you put yourself in a situation where you're alone, together, late at night ... things can happen that you'll later regret.
So what are the options?
You can get in touch with some of your guy friends from church or from a camput ministry that you're a part of, and ask them to host your boyfriend when he's in town. There are several benefits to this arrangement. First, you'll be less tempted to commit sexual sin. Second, you'll introduce accountability into the relationship. Third, you'll be tying your boyfriends life deeper into yours by including him in your community of friends. You'll also have a built-in "curfew," which frankly isn't a bad thing. You'll be able to get the opinions of others who see how the two of you interact, and how your boyfriend acts when he's away from you.
There are all sorts of other benefits, but these are sufficient reason to "do the right thing" and spend the night in different homes.
Yes, my advice is counter-cultural, and takes a tiny bit of extra work to pull off....
27. Tami said the following at 9:05 AM on Nov 27:
I have never myself been in Rudo's situation, but I know of:
* A guy whose girlfriend stayed with his nearby family.
* Guys who stayed at the girls' male friends' homes.
If those aren't options (say, if Rudo knows no one else in the city)... don't know what to say. :)
28. Louise said the following at 9:54 AM on Nov 27:
John M., why would a man necessarily get "all the sexual activity he wants" from a woman he is living with, whether they are married or not?
If people don't think living together without being married is "right" then so be it, but it is a fact that both married women AND live-in girlfriends have a right to say no to sex.
If it is forced on them, then that is the crime of sexual assault.
29. BDB said the following at 10:29 AM on Nov 27:
Ted wrote:
>>Yes, my advice is counter-cultural, and takes a tiny bit of extra work to pull off....<<
Yeah...now that I have a house with an actual guest room, it would be a weird thing to ask someone to provide lodging for someone visiting me. I'd pretty much need to limit my request to someone I knew from church who understands the accountability thing. My family would never understand such a request.
30. Ted Slater said the following at 3:26 PM on Nov 27:
BDB -- my advice is for those who are hosting an individual of the opposite sex. I have no problem with a woman having one of her female friends spend the night in their guest bedroom, or a visiting couple spend the night in the guest room.
My advice stands, though, for those of the opposite sex, regardless of age or income. There are, as I wrote, many benefits to this arrangement (and not just avoidance of sexual temptation).
This is just my counsel. Take it or leave it. Don't worry; I won't try to enforce it.
31. KMMC said the following at 6:08 PM on Jan 27:
Hi
I seriously don't know how to do new postings, so my post might not be in the right category:
I'm a 21 year-old female and I keep reading stupid romance novels. They are pretty descriptive if you know what I mean. I just can't seem to stop. I think they give me a wrong impression on what sex should be like (always between husband and wife). It also leads me to think about sex. A LOT. On one hand, I know that I want to wait to get married, I also want to become a better Christian (i started going to church again after having stopped for over a year), but on the other I can't seem to stop reading these novels. Also, although I'm still a virgin and haven't gone physically far with guys, I still feel very promiscuous (because of the impure thoughts and the novels). I think that deep down inside, I like reading a romantic story that ends well, it's just that these novels are very sexual. I seriously do not know how to stop. Once, I threw away all of the novels I own that have sexual excerpts. But I ended up buying another novel, then another...I try to be a good person (I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, have sex or act in a sexual way with guys). But I keep falling each time. I think that to the world, this isn't that bad on Ritcher scale of devious actions, but I keep thinking: how can I be closer to God when I keep reading these books and having impure thoughts? I also think, even if I'll probably be a virgin when I get married, won't my future husband think I'm «bad» girl if he knows about the novels or my impure thought? Also, I don't know if the impure thoughts are just a part of growing up and becoming a more sexual person (I was never like that in high school, I became like that at around 19 or 20 years old). At the church I go to, they are very open (they tackle any subject under the sun). But when it comes to sexuality, they often refer to how important it is to wait to get married before having sex or how important it is to repent if we had premarital sex? But I feel as though they don't give advice to virgins who have the kind of problem I have. And I happen to know a lot of guys (christians, muslims, etc.) who are either struggling with porn or girls struggling with the novels. SO what can a girl do?