What Showers Are For
by Candice Watters on 04/25/2007 at 3:35 PM
A few weeks ago I finished reading Miss Manners On {Painfully Proper} Weddings by Judith Martin. Aside from making me cringe over all the faux pas in my own wedding, it reminded me what weddings are for and how we, as a culture, have totally missed the point of late.
Take this recent Q&A in Dear Abby's newspaper column:
DEAR ABBY: Is it socially correct to have a housewarming party for someone who has lived in the home for more than 10 years? The party is scheduled to be held at a restaurant.
The idea for this party was the "honoree's" mother's because her daughter has never been married or had a child, and her mother thinks that the people she has given gifts to all these years owe her something back. I have never heard of such a party, but others think it's a great idea.
Confused in Spencerport, N.Y.
DEAR CONFUSED: Although unusual, it's not unheard of. This kind of party is sometimes thrown for a "confirmed bachelorette." However, it is not referred to as a housewarming party. It's called a "happily single" shower, and the happy single registers at stores the same way a bride-to-be or expectant mother does.
It's hard to imagine Miss Manners responding so nonchalantly to this question. The purpose of bridal and baby showers is not to get what's coming to you -- all the gifts you're owed by people you gifted in years past. Could anything be more crass? Showers are about helping a young bride or first-time mom get started on this new season of her life -- for which she is not yet prepared. Also, an invitation to a shower is not a demand for a gift. The givers do so not because it's their admission ticket but because they want to help the young couple prepare for what's ahead. Those gifts are a blessing, not a right.
She writes:
In her darker moments, Miss Manners wonders if the shower hasn't become more important than the wedding itself. The shower has been perceived as one more opportunity to turn a milestone to material advantage and all these rules [of etiquette] are being violated right and left. This should neither exonerate those who practice intimidation, nor discourage guests from abiding by the rules of etiquette always available to them: They may decline the invitation, sending nothing more than their good wishes. Some couples used to think that in itself was quite valuable.
This, along with all the other advice in her book about weddings, is a must read for every engaged couple. And if Dear Abby is representative, for lots of "happily single" women as well.
1. John M. said the following at 4:34 PM on Apr 25:
I think Miss Manners is absolutely great. Her advice is not just about rules of etiquette, but about how people can successfully get along together. Since most letters to advice columnists ultimately center around that central problem anyway, she blows them all out of the water. I often think our personal relationships would run soooo much smoother if we asked "Am I being gracious to this person".
2. erin said the following at 6:07 PM on Apr 25:
I wish I had known about this book! I would be afraid to read it now that I only have a little over two months until my wedding, and I don't want to know how much I've done wrong. (Ignorance is bliss in this case!) My mom and I did get an etiquette book, though, and it's been really helpful to think about the most respectful, gracious way to go about the business of planning a wedding, which can sometimes be a stressful and less than gracious enterprise.
And I can attest to the great blessing of showers. I'm going to one given in my honor this weekend, the second one that's been given for me, and it's such a blessing. We don't have a lot of money or a lot of knowledge of what things we need, so the fact that people who love us want to "shower" us with gifts is just amazing.
3. KathleenM12 said the following at 6:33 PM on Apr 25:
Candice writes: "Showers are about helping a young bride or first-time mom get started on this new season of her life -- for which she is not yet prepared."
I wasn't aware there were any 'youngness' requirements for bridal showers (you can't have a shower for a 40-year-old?) or any "first-time" requirements for baby showers (no showers for the second kid?). Seems to me like people can throw a party (for themselves or others) for any reason under the sun, not merely weddings and babies. Miss Manners regards it as crass and ungracious to be tsk-tsking other people for "improper celebrations". Wanna party? Bring it on!
4. V said the following at 7:53 PM on Apr 25:
Whew....these showers can take a toll (not to mention, the wedding gift itself). In the last year I have attended 4 weddings within three months, I have two more weddings coming up in the next several months -- I'm in one of them. I'm gonna need to get cracking on another job soon if people keep falling in love and marrying at the same time. :-)Sometimes the "etiquette" pressures of buying the gift(s) makes you exhausted and loose sight of the real celebration -- the union of lives, or the bringing forth of new ones. I'm all about showers, but do registries really have to be 40 pages long, and who needs a $65 coffee cup, and 7 waffle makers? I mean, really.
5. Gillian V. said the following at 8:40 PM on Apr 25:
I am single (because I have never been proposed to) and in my early 30s. At this point, I am jaded with regard to giving bridal shower and wedding gifts -- not because I am bitter, but because I have come to believe that, in many cases, this kind of "giving" is unbiblical. In Proverbs 22:16, we are warned not to give to the rich, and in Luke 12:15 Jesus warns us to be on guard against every kind of greed. I have been to several weddings where the brides and grooms, both young and old, are financially secure professionals who already have an overabundance of household items, but register for and solicit gifts anyway because they: 1) want their belongings to be from Williams Sonoma and Macy's instead of Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond; and 2) have previously spent a lot of money on wedding gifts for other people and view their own weddings as "payback time." By giving gifts to couples such as these, aren't we defying God and acting as enablers? Having had enough of these kinds of couples and their sense of entitlement, I now make charitable contributions in the names of the bride and groom in these situations in lieu of buying things. I am not against giving gifts to couples who, for whatever reason, truly need household items; I actually do so happily. However, I have decided that, should I ever marry, I will not solicit gifts; instead, I will somehow gently direct people to give to a reputable charity if they feel led to do so. I have a good job and have nice things for my home already.
6. Elena said the following at 9:35 PM on Apr 25:
Someone get that woman an Emily Post etiquette book.
I suppose these "entitled to receive largesse from everyone around me" folks have forgotten the meaning of the word gift. A demanded offering is a tribute, not a gift. Is anyone else getting visions of Paris Hilton crossed with a feudal king or lord, deigning to allow the vassals in to unload their regular sums of puppies, fur coats, and fancy cars?
Crass is an apt word, Candace. An apt word indeed.
And...
1. I believe that you are allowed a year after moving in, to host a housewarming party in your new abode. But don't insist on presents. That's tacky.
2. If you want to have a "housewarming" type of gathering, call it instead an "open house" or a "dinner party."
3. If Gift-Grubbin' Gal needs more Pampered Chef gadgets, host a Pampered Chef party, for cryin' out loud. The more people buy, the more free stuff the hostess gets.
4. If you really need stuff for your home, Dear Singleton Sweetie, drop hints to your relatives and close friends that gift cards to Bed, Bath, & Beyond or Target would be faboo birthday or Christmas ideas. Clutter-free too!
7. Violet said the following at 11:10 PM on Apr 25:
I've loved reading Miss Manners' books since I discovered them in a library a dozen years ago. They are a glimpse of a nearly-vanished time when people actually expended time and effort in trying to be polite --even if it gained you nothing in return!
I myself was just the recipient of a surprise bridal shower over the weekend. I can say that I was extremely greatful for the care expressed in the gesture, and treasure the simple, yet heart-felt gifts far more than I can express.
I look forward to gifting the half-dozen brides-to-be amongst my acquaintances, just as soon as I can come up with some distinctive ideas.
8. Jamie said the following at 12:08 AM on Apr 26:
Like so many things in our culture, wedding showers are one of those great ideas that's been totally corrupted (like most major religious holidays) by consumerist materialism. Showers are sweet because it's the modern interpretation of the really cool tradition of a whole community coming together to help make a life for a couple. In pioneering communities (and Amish communities, still) the whole town or village or even extended family came together to help build a new house (or raise a new barn). In American Indian tribes, raising a house and raising children was a communal endeavor. Americans, in our independence, have lost most of this spirit of community, the idea that it takes a village to raise a child (and a strong community to be pretty much anything worthwhile). Showers could be great manifestations of that mostly lost sentiment. But instead, consumerist materialism. Sigh. Is anyone else interested in taking a prophetically counter-cultural stance on the American spirit of complete independence? I feel like the church should definitely be actively pursuing more communal living.
9. Marie Mitchell said the following at 5:36 AM on Apr 26:
I always buy the book, Princess Bubble, for my single friends. Princess Bubble learns true happiness comes from helping others and liking who you are. I believe Miss Manners and Dear Abby would agree with Princess Bubble.
10. Sina said the following at 6:50 AM on Apr 26:
I think having a 'happily single shower' is a good idea. Not to get what's coming to us but for practical purposes. As a single woman trying to build up an apartment(dishes, furniture, etc.) I would appreciate a shower to help me get started. I don't have a husband to help with the expenses of starting a household. I mean really, single folks need dishes and other stuff too : )
11. Lucie said the following at 7:02 AM on Apr 26:
I was also stunned when I read the above Dear Abby column. I had never heard of a "happily single" party and agree with Candice that asking for gifts for not doing anything other than being a single, and apparently feeling cheated because of it, is crass at best. Besides, the girl - woman, I should say - has been on her own for more than a decade! What could she possibly still need that would justify such an occasion? I wouldn't even attend such a party, much less dream of throwing one.
12. Olivia said the following at 9:39 AM on Apr 26:
How embarrassing! It's like they're saying, "Hey! look at me, I'm holding my hand out!" ...like a six year old begging for candy! "Happily single party"??? Give me a break!
13. Laura_MH said the following at 10:02 AM on Apr 26:
"Crass" is the perfect way to describe a scenario such as this. The blatant emphasis on gift-giving in general in our society has become pretty crass, too.
I had an ex-boyfriend contact me via e-mail--after we had not been in contact for more than 10 YEARS--to obtain my mailing address so he could invite me to his wedding. A shotgun wedding, I might add. I know he could have cared less about me sharing in his special day, per se. He was angling for a warm body to attend, and a nice gift. (They are divorced after less than two years of marriage, BTW.)
In the workplace, in a previous job I was brand new to the company and got in trouble with my team for not getting one of my teammates a baby gift...even though I had only met her a week before. What is that?
As for gifts outside of weddings and showers, one only has to pay attention to the news each December to see how people overextend themselves financially, all in the "spirit of the holiday season." Somehow, I don't think this is what the three Wise Men had in mind.
14. Bethany said the following at 10:39 AM on Apr 26:
>>>I mean really, single folks need dishes and other stuff too<<<
That's what garage sales are for. :-)
15. serynata said the following at 12:55 PM on Apr 26:
Neither my husband or I find it easy to recieve gifts. We asked for people to make donations to respectable charities in lieu of presents for our wedding. Many people did give us gifts though. (I admit, it is nice to have cutlery that isn't plastic.) We have had to learn to gracefully recieve others' expressions of love in material form.
For many single women who want parties, I'm not so sure they covet the gifts so much as they want to be a princess for a day. Showers can be so encouraging and it is nice to have people celebrate something with/for you!
16. Marie said the following at 1:43 PM on Apr 26:
For the love. "that's what garage sales are for..." Wow. That is the kind of thing you might think in your head, but not say out loud (or type :). I didn't know that marital status was the determining factor in whether or not one can ask for cutlery. In response to the post, I think that people are entitled to throw themselves whatever type of party they want. Just as the invitees are entitled not to attend if they find the theme offensive, and then move on with their lives. Respectfully, and I'm sure that this wasn't the intent, but it seems that this post and some of the comments are LOOKING to find fault in others.
17. Gail said the following at 3:04 PM on Apr 26:
I absolutely agree with serynata. I don't necessarily just want people to give me presents. What I do want is to feel special and feminine, like a princess. I wish we celebrated singles who are doing things right in their lives like we celebrate married or engaged couples!
I don't so much agree with the situation in the original post, because it does sound like that woman is just looking to get things from people she's given to in the past. However, some of these posts have pointed out the sort of issue I think is at the heart of this.
I'm all for marriage and hope to be married one day, but for now, I'm not. Christianity focuses so much on marriage and family, which are wonderful. But singles are people and Christians, too. Comments like many of those in the posts above only make single women feel inferior because we don't have a man. So we want to celebrate things in our lives that are good just like couples do. So what? It can be done in a greedy way, but that isn't always the motivation. We want to feel loved and special too:)
18. Elena said the following at 3:39 PM on Apr 26:
I'm single. I'd love to be princess for a day. Know what I do? On my birthday, I wear a tiara to work. I display on my office door that day, all the cards people have sent me. I grin from ear to ear most of the day. I choose joy! :o)
Showers... Have ya noticed that brides and mommies-to-be usually don't throw their own showers? Friends of the bride or the bridesmaids give the bridal showers, bridal teas, and bridesmaids' luncheons. Friends and/or relatives of the preggo-lady give showers for her.
So...
How 'bout throwing a party for a single gal pal or single guy friend who needs encouragement? Make it a "King for the Afternoon" or "Queen for the Morning" theme... whatever. Just have fun with it. Host it at your own place, or go out somewhere. Make the honoree wear a crown or paper hat or a button. Celebrate the person's life and give encouraging notes or a "This Is My Life" type of scrapbook kit. (Modify these suggestions to make them more guy-friendly, if your friend would prefer.)
And don't do it in the hopes of getting your own "Be a Royal for a Day" shindig. Just do it b/c you love your friend and want to do something special for her or him.
For the "We're comfy being goofy" group of singleton friends...
• Have a dinner party and swap the kitchen or home gadgets that you never use. Make the gadgets the prizes for the table games you play after dinner. Or play one of the swapping-gifts games (instructions easily Googled, I'm sure).
• Have an "UnBirthday Party" at one of those fun kid-friendly places like Chuck E. Cheese's or arcade locations like Dave & Buster's. Invite a bunch of single friends. Exchange names, and suggest that each party attender make a "You're the Greatest _______!" award for the person whose name he drew.
• Have "Christmas in July" or some month other than December. Give each participant a piece of red or green felt to cut out and decorate to make either an ugly tree skirt or a tacky tie. Artistes who wish to compete in a contest must model their creations. (Yes, wear the tree skirt as a skirt.) Do other fun Christmas-y stuff to your taste.
See... just get creative! You can find any number of good reasons to have a party and love on people.
19. Anon said the following at 4:25 PM on Apr 26:
In the hopes of producing the most random blog on this line, I was almost heart broken when I read the content of the article. I was excited by the title 'What Showers Are For' because I live in Australia and we're currently in a drought on level 5 water restrictions (ie, no washing cars except windscreen, no watering gardens except with buckets on allocated days and times), so the idea of any water advice appealed. But you know what - the article was so much better!!! Hmm, that was slightly off topic....
I love Elena's suggestion - I have several girl friends birthdays coming up, now I have new ways to spoil them!!! Thanks!
20. Rana W said the following at 4:25 PM on Apr 26:
YES to Elena's post!
I'm single, and my single buddies and I have so much fun together. We're like a family (except NOT). We all hope and plan to be married someday, and when we do marry, I'm positive there will be lots of showers.
But according to good manners, NOBODY is supposed to throw a shower for themselves for ANY reason. A shower is an outpouring of love from someone close to the honored guest.
As for feeling special, birthdays are fabulous opportunities to feel special--gifts or no gifts.
21. erin said the following at 4:35 PM on Apr 26:
Elena, I like your idea, and I know a couple of friends I could do that for who would be thrilled with it. I also have a friend who's finishing up her master's in the same program as me, and she mentioned that she wished there were showers for single people who need things, too. She doesn't have a lot in the way of household items since she's been living on a student income, and she's not engaged or even dating anyone, so I can see how it would be nice for her to still receive help in starting out, even though (or maybe especially because) she's doing it solo.
I also definitely agree that our society has taken the shower idea to an extreme and turned it largely into an obligation instead of a blessing. I also think it depends on the people who are throwing/being thrown the shower. For my fiance and I, we just registered at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond because we're not fancy people and they have cute things, and I've actually gotten comments from people who have said I should have registered at "nicer" places, when all we wanted to do was allow our friends and family to get cute stuff that didn't cost a fortune! Etiquette is tricky business!
22. Jason W said the following at 6:32 PM on Apr 26:
Hey anon, I know how you feel bout the Level 5 restrictions . . . my car is absolutely disgusting and our yard is looks like a desert, not to mention trying to shower in under 4 minutes. We do need showers of a different kind here in Queensland!
23. Jane said the following at 6:48 PM on Apr 26:
Jamie, AMEN to your comments! It's a sad thing when the closest we come to community support for these major life events is a party consisting of games that require mass amounts of toilet paper, a multi-page list of presents, and a friend with a truck to haul the loot away. Don't get me wrong, I love parties, and presents, but what I'd really love to is have the actual physical support of my community at weddings, births, and funerals. And the in-between times too. Jamie's right-- the church should be leading the way on this one.
24. Lizzy said the following at 10:01 PM on Apr 26:
Early on in highschool, my mom began encouraging me to collect things for my future home. The idea being, whenever I moved out (married or not), I'd have the basics of at least a kitchen. I've finished college, but I'm still living at home, and still collecting things, waiting for the day for when I can use my pretty dishes, silverware, and cooking pans!
I think so many youngs brides depend upon showers to stock their new home entirely, when they could have at least had the basics already.
I love the garage sale comment, as well! One man's trash is another's treasure!
25. Catherine Ann said the following at 10:58 AM on Apr 27:
My fiance and I are the old-fashioned sort of couple that actually could use help in beginning our new home together, and the gifts we have recieved have been a great relief to us. That said, I tend to dislike showers and registries - though it seems impossible to escape them these days - mostly on account of what they have become. It's practicaly a mandate. No longer are they to help the couple begin their lives with the basic necessities, but a chance for couples that may not even need anything to "get stuff". I don't want anyone giving anything to us because they feel they "have to". If they do wish to give us a gift I would rather it be out of the kindness of their hearts and concern for our just starting out.
The things for which people register these days(kayaks?!!!)or the reasons for which they throw showers apparently - do seem rather on the greedy side to me.
26. Ashley said the following at 1:42 PM on Apr 27:
Genius Elena! :D Some friends of mine threw a "princess party" last year, but that sounds equally amazing :)
A note on registries: People that are overzealous in their registration are frequently disappointed. A recently married friend registered at three different locations and told me after the wedding that they received few of the things they really needed because people bought only the peripheral items!
27. Kellie said the following at 12:00 AM on Apr 28:
As someone who was married not too long ago, I was very grateful to receive gifts from family and friends to furnish our new place. That said, recently I was invited to a shower, a bachelorette party (where a gift of lingere was expected), and a wedding for a casual friend, so I think it can be taken to extremes...
28. Megan said the following at 12:05 PM on Apr 28:
Lizzy:
That's an excellant reminder! I've also begun collecting things in the event that I have my own home. Although my Kitchen Aid mixer might die from use before I reach that point: some things just aren't meant to sit in a box for ten years.
There's really no reason why most brides - or even moms-to-be - should have absolutely nothing to start out with. I can buy things for my future home now; and if I get married, I can begin collecting things for new babies, too.
If I collect this stuff and I'm never married or never have babies...well, it'll make a great gift to someone else someday, right?
That said, my sister and I are going to run out to the library and get Miss Manners' wedding book. We read her columns together quite a bit and are usually amazed at how she's able to sift through the layers of a person's question and get to the real heart of a problem.
29. Becky F. said the following at 3:02 PM on Apr 30:
I agree that it's good to have some things that you will need before you get married or have a baby. For example, I lived in my parents' garage apartment for two years at the beginning of college. I had a microwave, towels, living room furniture, a dresser, and four chairs and a table. The dishes in the apartment were going to stay there because they were all cheap and mostly plastic, so my husband and I needed to register for kitchen items especially, and then we registered for some fun things like games (ie. Yahtzee, etc) because we had nothing like that.
So then baby stuff: we purchased the big items like the crib and changing table, the stroller and car seat, a swing, a highchair... My sisters will be able to lend me baby clothes that their boys have outgrown, but there's stuff that we need that we wouldn't be able to afford to buy for ourselves (or at least all of the things we need), and there are lots of people who are wanting to buy us things, and those who already have.
Showers are great for people who really need things (like we did, because there are some things that you just can't afford to accumulate on a student's budget living with your parents).
30. Rebekah G said the following at 7:03 PM on Apr 30:
I agree that the true heart behind giving showers has gotten lost and many people can become materialistic about it. However, just because others have a wrong attitude does not mean that I have to also! I can attend a shower and bring a heartfelt gift even if I suspect the bride has greedy motives.
And as for the desire to feel special and pampered, I understand. But, I think we have to remember that there will always be things to desire in life and circumstances that do not seem fair. My husband and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years to have a child and in the mean time many of my friends have gotten married and have had children. As I continue to attend baby shower after baby shower I could choose to be upset at the *injustice* that others get to be loved and fawned over for having a baby when I cannot have the same thing. Instead, I choose to trust that God is in control and rejoice for the young mom to be. I think it is a similar situation for single women attending bridal showers--trust God that he is in control and has a GOOD plan for your future, and rejoice with the bride! It's much more rewarding than thinking of your own lack of a party!
31. Amy P. said the following at 9:08 PM on Apr 30:
One thing that I also think is missing from this discussion is the idea of "entitlement" which the woman felt for her daughter. The mother wanted her daughter to get "pay back" for all of the gifts that she had given over the years.
My advice for anyone who is giving gifts:
PLEASE DO NOT EVER GIVE MORE THAN YOU CAN AFFORD OR WOULD LIKE TO GIVE TO BLESS THE RECIPIENT!
Giving of gifts for weddings or showers is one example of when you should be giving without ever expecting to receive anything in return!
32. Melissa D. said the following at 9:52 AM on May 1:
I'm 26 and have accumulated most everything I need for a furnished kitchen. I live in an apartment and I like to cook and bake. There is not much I will need when I'm married. Should I register for things I already have so people won't be offended? It seems dishonest and a waste of my time to return things to the store. I certainly don't want to seem greedy, but people like to see registries with things you'll need for your new place. Maybe that will be a giftcard to Target, or maybe, like Becky F., it will be Yahtzee.
33. Amy P. said the following at 9:54 PM on May 10:
Melissa D. ~ In response to your comment, no, in the case that you would register for things for a shower you should not register for things that you already have! That would not be very prudent.
Here are a few registration suggestions:
--I would guess that maybe you would be getting a bigger bed (register for new sized linens) and maybe have a different bathroom (register for bathroom towels/shower curtain/bath mat).
--Other suggestions would include sleeping bags and other camping outdoor supplies (depending on where you live).
Also, maybe you could choose to have people donate to a charity instead.....be creative. Remember it is about the relationship and NOT the gifts!