Taking Risks in Relationships
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 04/13/2007 at 9:46 AM
Several months ago I read an intriguing article at True U. In "Guarding Your Heart … From What?" Lindy Keffer talks about the mistake of guarding one's heart against the wrong thing. She writes:
When we talk about guarding our hearts, we usually mean being super careful about how much personal stuff we disclose to someone in whom we're romantically interested. We think of it as a way to save our emotional intimacy for our future spouses. There's only one problem with this idea. It's not actually biblical. The phrase "guard your heart" comes from Proverbs 4:23. Read in context, it's clearly talking about guarding our hearts against sin, not people.
This was new information to me. As someone who grew up in the church, I had this verse drilled into me as a caution against emotional intimacy with the opposite sex (not a bad idea in high school). Guarding myself from potential heartbreak became my guiding principle -- an indicator that I was "doing things right" in my relationships with the opposite sex. I now see that I also hid behind it to avoid being hurt. Lindy goes beneath the surface:
For those of us who once felt safe and justified living within the Christian dating box, the demands of righteousness can come as a shock. Suddenly, it's not about checking all the boxes on the list, but about being intimately attuned to the Holy Spirit, even as we are growing closer to another person.
Using the prophet Hosea as an example, Lindy points out that not all romances have happy endings.
I think this is the hardest part about dating and marriage. In order to get to the point of making a lifelong commitment to love someone, we must open ourselves up to (at least one) sinful person who will hurt us. Somehow, I think we've taken the Christian relationship books to mean that if we follow all the steps, we can avoid the hurt, but it just isn't so.
And yet there is something of spiritual value in the process. When we make the focus guarding our hearts against sin, not people, we risk being hurt. But when you consider the many ways God can be glorified in righteous vulnerability, it is a risk worth taking.
1. Katie said the following at 10:28 AM on Apr 13:
I also read the TrueU article, and I came to some of the same conclusions regarding my own life.
I recently started dating my best friend. I've known him practically since birth, but we've considered each other to be best friends for at least the last 6 years. I'm learning that despite all of the things he already knows about me from years of close friendship (some of which, he is the only one I've told), there are still parts of my life/heart that I carefully kept guarded (I wouldn't say hidden, because it wasn't that intentional).
I'm learning that vulnerability, while often humiliating, is entirely necessary. I've seen my trust in God grow because I'm learning to trust another person more. It's a slow process, but it's a great reminder that God has called us to love each other and that in loving, we must sometimes be willing to risk being hurt. Would love matter as much without the risk of possible pain?
2. Chris Krycho said the following at 10:48 AM on Apr 13:
I really liked that article - and I really like your perspective on it here. In some sense I think this runs a little counter to some of the things posited by Boundless. As you said, it's easy not to risk emotionally by not letting too much out. There's some wisdom in not being too open with certain people about certain things... but there is also wisdom in being vulnerable. I have to say that some of the most powerful times for me have been those when I made myself vulnerable - whether by pursuing a girl, or just being open with friends - and then was hurt. God uses that mightily in our lives, and He teaches us to rely on Him for our emotional security, even - perhaps especially - when it's hard to do so.
3. Andrew said the following at 10:48 AM on Apr 13:
Life itself is all about risks. Good article!
4. Joe said the following at 12:34 PM on Apr 13:
Amen and amen. Thank you for putting that phrase in the context it was meant. I attended a conference about a year ago at Focuswhere "gaurding one's heart" definitely was used in the wrong way- that we should guard or hearts from others. One young lady was brave enough to get up and state before the group "since when is playing it safe a Christian virtue?-as Christians we are called to take risks even emotional ones"
5. Nelson said the following at 1:03 PM on Apr 13:
I don't think it is appropriate to see "vulnerability" as imply either "on" or "off". I believe we can be so vulnerable to others that it basically manifests as idolatry and would be considered as "fear of man". On the other hand, we can become "invulnerable" to others and basically become apathetic and cold.
The author of the article is wise to point out the ultimate goal is Godliness and being closer to God, not absence of hurt. God isn't calling us to hurt ourselves, but to trust Him with our hurts and pains, joy and happiness.
6. Justin said the following at 1:20 PM on Apr 13:
As cynical and unromantic as this may sound, the older I get, the more I'm convinced that love is a numbers game.
7. Sarah K said the following at 1:21 PM on Apr 13:
There is also a latent danger, in this whole "guarding your heart (from people)" idea in that it will shield you from getting hurt. Then there is the inevitable bitterness towards God or the opposite sex because things didn't go as perfectly as planned when one did finally open up their heart to another (I've seen this over and over and done it myself). The truth is that any relationship, godly or not, opens us up to pain, vulnerability and disappointment, as well as joy, love and a sense of security. Our example, ultimately, is Christ, who suffered immeasurable disappointments and emotional pain from the relationships that He not only entered into willingly, but initiated. That being said, I find that especially as girls we often are too eager to emotionally connect with people before finding out whether we may be 'casting pearls before swine'. Emotional connecting is like food for the soul; I know that I have to be very intentional about the quality of food I ingest in this area. Sometimes it'll nourish you and sometimes it'll just make you sick.
8. BrooX said the following at 1:58 PM on Apr 13:
Awesome stuff Suzanne! Those thoughts totally remind me of how His power is made perfect in our weaknesses, not in our own efforts and strengths. So many of us (myself included) seem to be seeking security in guardedness that we are actually in bondage; - we have not let the security of Truth really set us FREE!
I recently heard a good argument from a skeptic regarding how he could not follow a leader and religion that claims to bring freedom but whose disciples are not truely living as though they've been freed.
...gotta keep remembering I'm secure in Christ and His love... so, I have no need of high walls...
9. Ariana said the following at 2:15 PM on Apr 13:
"Somehow, I think we've taken the Christian relationship books to mean that if we follow all the steps, we can avoid the hurt, but it just isn't so."
In addition to this point about avoiding hurt, it seems also that these books imply that if only we are intentional enough, there will be little to no ambiguity in the relationship. If there is good communication, then each person will know where they stand with the other. But being "intentional" does not mean that you will know what you want from this particular person. Now,someone correct me if I'm wrong, but there are many situations in which a person has a general desire for marriage, and also has an interest in this person, but doesn't know whether this person is someone they want to discuss marriage with yet. Relationships can be full of stops and starts, misgivings and uncertainty, and a lot of Christian writing can suggest that such relational misgivings are unbiblical, or reflective of some failing on the part of one or both of the people in the relationship.
It also seems like the stories written by Boundless staffers are themselves truer to life than the Christian dating books are. John Thomas in "Just Us" had to deal with his now-wife's then-decision to not become an exclusive couple for a little while. They weren't on the same page; and she was obviously dating him without knowing whether he was "the one." Plus, those stories written in the article "I'm 97 percent sure I like you," weren't simple and straightforward courtships. And though the Watters' story is great, I've often thought that it must have been very difficult for Candace to be in the position of having strong feelings for a friend who wasn't at the moment reciprocating those same feelings--but still dealing with the relationship, not just walking away because Steve wasn't doing what he was "supposed" to do.
I've wondered if this "Christian dating" mindset doesn't also make us unrealistically intolerant of other people's mistakes and weaknesses within a relationship. For instance, yes, men ought to lead, and no, it does not work for a woman to push a relationship hoping that one day this guy will take up his respoinsibility. At the same time, you have to stick it out long enough to see whether this person really is willing to do what it takes (despite not doing so at the moment), or whether it is a lost cause. And you can't do that from afar, and without taking some risk.
10. Jethro said the following at 3:51 PM on Apr 13:
Good article. I'm all for it. Life is about relationships', if you start cutting yourself of from people or only ever letting them know small and superficial parts of you, then you might as well forget about 'guarding your heart because it's probably not a heart worth guarding anyway.
11. Carolyn said the following at 5:23 PM on Apr 13:
Thank you for sharing this. Almost two weeks ago I ended my first real relationship with confidence but was suddenly seized by the pain of losing him. The idea of "guarding your heart" immediately came to mind and I wrestled with it as I wondered how I had somehow missed the memo of how. God must've really been directing my thoughts, because this is exactly the conclusion I came to. We are made for relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, but this is a broken world. We are going to feel pain. It's a risk we take when we love. Only God will not hurt us, but God commanded us to love Him first AND to love the humans around us. Our hearts are not wrong to be broken. It is when we break God's heart, through sin, that we have made a mistake. That sin shows what is in our hearts, the "wellspring of life." Sin stops the flow and cuts off our life.
12. Leah said the following at 11:11 PM on Apr 13:
Since when do we have to "avoid hurt" anyway? It's definitely not biblical...
13. Jess said the following at 1:06 AM on Apr 14:
Brilliant post! I'm just discovering how true this is in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been reading through "Boy Meets Girl" (Joshua Harris) together, and we both agreed that relationships take some amount of risk... that if you don't risk hurt, you'll never let that person in enough to grow to love. Before my boyfriend, I hadn't been in a relationship for over 2 years, so I was quite accustomed to the single life. God is challenging me in new ways by asking me to trust him in this completely different, and sometimes scary, situation. There have been times when I've wanted to give up, but God has said "hang in there". And I don't necessarily take that to mean I'm gonna marry this guy, but I know that right now, this relationship is where God wants me to be!
I'm glad to see Boundless promoting (with Biblical evidence) this view. I know so many people who would benefit from the article mentioned.
Thankyou!
14. Missy said the following at 3:30 PM on Apr 14:
Thanks for some thought-provoking words, Suzanne! I felt like I was reading something from my own journal when you said "I also hid behind it to avoid being hurt." I'm 29, and have only had one real dating relationship in my life - and a long-distance one at that!! I have come to see more and more that I'm not really interested at all in "guarding my heart" from sin, but only in keeping myself safe from the hurt I've experienced in the past when I've been interested in those who have not returned my feelings. My typical reaction now when I find a guy I am interested in is - to avoid him entirely!! Certainly then there will be no opportunity for me to make an "inappropriate emotional investment" by sharing too much of myself. (although I suppose daydreaming about him can't be considered "guarding my heart!") I just figure that if God wants me to be with this person, He will cause him to notice me! Wouldn't you know it? That approach has worked 0% of the time!! :)
15. Christine said the following at 6:59 PM on Apr 14:
I guess I've taken "guard your heart" in a slightly different way. For me, it's meant "don't let yourself fall for someone who has expressed no interest in you" or "don't let yourself mentally turn something into a more romantic relationship than it actually is."
It seems to me that heart "guarding" should be precursory and more to keep you from emotionally and romantically attaching yourself to someone who has not made any intentions known (this is for girls primarily).
After something has fallen apart, I think that guarding your heart is not allowing yourself to dwell on the past or continue to develop feelings and intimacy.
16. Jess said the following at 11:43 PM on Apr 14:
I've also heard and read this advice to "guard your heart" quite a bit in relation to dating/courtship. Some have taken this caution with emotional intimacy as far as to say that you shouldn't tell someone "I love you" until after you're engaged- with the reasoning that you are only meant to be this "emotionally intimate" with one person of the opposite sex, the person you will marry. While I think you should certainly be careful with how you use these words, I'm not sure if I can agree on this issue. I was in a serious relationship (which ended up not working out) with a guy who took this advice. After a year of dating, it just got to be weird. We both obviously deeply loved each other and I think not verbalizing it did absolutely nothing to "guard my heart." Other opinions?
17. Jane said the following at 12:33 AM on Apr 15:
Justin, I'm curious about your comment. What exactly do you mean by love being a numbers game?
18. IWishToRemainAnonymous said the following at 10:17 AM on Apr 16:
Interesting thoughts -- I heard "Guard your heart" from at least one friend in college when I was interested in someone who apparently didn't like me back, and the context intended was "Be careful not to get too attached, you're going to get hurt." But I think the idea of withholding personal information from someone who isn't guaranteed to be one's spouse actually is appropriate. Would it be all right if I were married, but wanted to share deeply with a man to whom I wasn't married? Of course not.
Since a verse from Proverbs was mentioned, I'll go back there -- Proverbs 25:16-17 talks about not overdoing it (not eating too much honey, because it'll make you hurl, and not spending making yourself a nuisance in your neighbor's house, because it might well make him hate you.) I've heard those verses applied to fledgling relationships too -- don't disclose every little dream, wish, hope, and detail from your past too soon, or the relationship will suffocate.
19. nikki said the following at 11:47 AM on Apr 16:
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This was a great article. I've been saying many of these exact things for a while now, and many Christians get upset at me. I have long been frustrated by the "only date one person" model that's set forth as though it were holy text. Personally, I may end up dating one person, and I'd prefer to do so. But since when does heartbreak equal sin? One can be completely godly and righteous AND have a romantic relationship end. No one promised us a life free of sadness or heartbreak...and those things aren't usually indicative of a sin issue, either. I'm so glad someone else is saying all of this.
20. Hannah Walt said the following at 11:47 AM on Apr 16:
I agree that risks are involved in relationships and emotional intimacy can't totally be avoided. However, I think there's a difference between intimacy in friendships with the opposite sex and intimacy with someone you are courting/dating. Katie said she had a close friend that she later dated. Not everyone dates their friends.
In high school, I was emotionally intimate with a Christian guy. I felt so close and was sure he only liked me. Imagine my disapointment when he started going on dates with other Christian girls! I thought the intimacy made us close, but it didn't.
In a friendship, girls especially get too attached if there is emotional intimacy. I agree that in a relationship, the risk must be taken.
I think you should guard your heart in friendship, but not as much in a relationship.
21. Jessi said the following at 12:03 PM on Apr 16:
The bottom line is that it seems like more of an issue of too much, too soon, in addition to discernment. Too many times we rush disclosure or closeness instead of simply being ourselves and really seeing the person for who they are by their actions and their priorities. And being yourself does make you vulnerable. Yes, there will be hurt because people are imperfect and will disappoint. Sometimes the hurt comes because we want one person to be OUR everything and to heal our deep loneliness when the relationship is not supposed to be a band-aid. Many times we try to stretch a person to cover all the wounds that only God can heal. Let people be people and let God be God.
We are relational. But we were meant for a deep relationship with God. Out of that deep relationship with Him we truly learn what it means to love others, whether that relationship is meant for marriage or not.
22. Leigh said the following at 4:34 PM on Apr 16:
Thank you so much for this article! I have always heard the "guard your heart" phrase, but yet have been so blessed when I have opened up and been vulnerable with a guy. I think back on what one guy said to me as we were deciding to "go our separate ways" and that was that, "if this relationship has in anyway pushed us along in our sanctification then it was worth it...even if it does mean some hurt." I have thought about my few relationships that did not end in marital bliss and the Lord has been so gracious that when things haven't work out with that guy I have not been absolutely devestated. The sad part is that I feel as if people have seen this as sin that I have not just dated "the one". This caused me with my last relationship that ended to have the attitude that I was no longer going to get close to guys, because I seem to be a magnet for the wrong ones. In reading your atricle, though, as well as knowing how every failed relationship has grown me in my relationship with Christ I feel as if I have been freed!! I feel as if I can once again praise the Lord for those failed relationships!
23. Holly said the following at 11:38 AM on Oct 30:
Wow. I was just sent a link to this page and the timing couldn't have been more perfect. I've come to the realization that God gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want and with true understanding of his word, we will eventually get what we want. Proverbs 4:23 really is about guarding your heart from sin and not people. I think that by guarding yourself from people, you ultimately end up sinning because you will end up hurting somone in the process, including yourself.
24. Mary said the following at 12:52 PM on Oct 11:
Great article, but I slightly disagree. I agree that following God involves definate risks and that you should guard against sin. I also agree that closing yourself off can be hazardous. But I believe we are responsible to protect ourselves emotionally, because that is a powerful way we connect with God and others. There is a time and a place for everything, a balance. I would have saved myself a lot of heart-ache if I had guarded myself emotionally more times in more relationships. It is good to pray and know if you can really trust someoene and if there is potential for something lasting. Believe me it is hard to undo the damage that can be done by letting many voices speak into vulnerable areas of your life, espescially in an intimate guy girl connection. Then it is even harder to open up to anyone even God. I think the risks we take should be in agape love towards others. God will always protect us in that. But risking ourselves too much romantically is throwing ourselves off the temple. Discernment, I would agree with 21.