Snarky Singles
by Candice Watters on 04/13/2007 at 11:35 AM
It's better to be single and wish you were married than be married and wish you were single. So says a host of columns, blogs and books for singles. I've seen it stated subtly by many Christian authors and most recently, boldly, in USA Today's "Free as a bird and loving it: Being single has its benefits."
This article, by Sharon Jayson, reports that not only are singles a growing segment of the population, they're increasingly happy to stay that way. But it doesn't stop there.
A new wave of books is making the case that being single is better. Among them are Better Single Than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling, I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle: Satisfied Solitude and How to Achieve It, Naked on the Page: The Misadventures of My Unmarried Midlife, On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone, Singular Existence: Because It's Better to be Alone Than Wish You Were! (Speaking of "naked," I wonder how long these authors would be happily single if they weren't also having sex.)
I realize these authors don't claim to be promoting a biblical worldview. But we should take notice nonetheless. Books like these and articles like "Free as a Bird" are affecting the way we view singleness in our culture. And that does affect believers and non-believers alike.
They're not content to say "single is great" and leave it at that. It seems they're on a mission to tear down marriage in the process.
It's one thing for people who don't profess faith in Christ to talk this way. But as believers, we're called to a higher standard. Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage should be honored by all." It's tempting to adopt a stance of moral equivalency: "Being single's hard, but marriage is no picnic either." But that's a far cry from the biblical standard of honor.
Interestingly, all five of those books listed above are by women. It's hard to imagine a man getting away with writing books about how marriage to most women would be "settling." With titles like those, it makes me think they've got a bad case of sour grapes or they simply hate men. (And for the man's part, can you imagine him wanting to date a woman who will likely dump him because to commit to him would be "settling"?)
It's like deciding it's better to walk everywhere than simply drive a car (the car, after all, could need repairs some day).
1. Olivia said the following at 12:32 PM on Apr 13:
Kinda like how teenagers (I am one btw...) want to be independent, grown up, and living on their own, having as many parties, shopping trips, dinners out with friends, etc. as they please - while their parents reflect fondly on the days on their youth, freedom, and carefree lack of responsibility (and bills)!
Kinda like how when you're a teenager you have to deal with those awful pimples, and when you reach middle age, you have to deal with those awful wrinkles!
Not to say that growing up, getting married, and having kids is not /worth/ it... seems like our culture has decided /nothing/ is "worth it" - as Alex and Brett Harris say, hold on to an age of "adultescence". Although, I have to admit, once I reach my twenties, I doubt I'll be very eager to settle down.
That said, it's always greener on the other side of the fence (cliche, but I think, almost always accurate).
2. V said the following at 12:37 PM on Apr 13:
In the modern world marriage seems to be more of a side order on a list of things you can do in life if you want to or not. Given today's libertine freedoms to live and "love" however, whenever and how often you choose, marriage seems to fall into the "if it's not broken, why fix it" category. The thing is, the current system is broken. God instituted marriage, with all of the privileges, perks and "rights" that entails. I imagine the married are not blind to the "downfalls" or struggles of marriage, but I'd hardly say I should replace those with singleness. Indeed, I wonder how long these writers would say they'd stay single for life if they weren't having intimate relationships. It seems to me that to live a "single" life, "dating" many men, rather than finding someone and commiting to a marriage relationship that demands devotion, honor, respect and lifetime exclusivity, is settling. It's settling for much less than all that marriage demands.
3. Vincenzo said the following at 1:00 PM on Apr 13:
A sad article indeed. Even though the selfish culture we live in is definitely a big contributer, ultimately the battle is spiritual in nature. The attack on marriage is just one of the arrows Satan is launching in his insane crusade to defile and destroy everything good that God has created. I Timothy 4:1-5 seems to describe this pretty well.
4. BDB said the following at 1:14 PM on Apr 13:
>>It's like deciding it's better to walk everywhere than simply drive a car (the car, after all, could need repairs some day).<<
I submit for your consideration that it is like LEASING a car: assuming that you can just get a new one in three years. Further, because the leased car is always under warranty, some people get used to throwing a temper tantrum and demanding that it be "fixed" to their satisfaction at no cost to themselves.
5. Justin said the following at 1:17 PM on Apr 13:
You know, some people really do just enjoy being single. I know I do. And I don't think my contentment with being single is an attack on marriage. It's just what works for me.
FWIW, I'm not having sex either. It's a trade-off obviously, but I don't think getting married just so you can have sex is a good idea.
Also, I don't have any hang-ups about masturbation, so that helps.
6. Marie said the following at 1:37 PM on Apr 13:
With all due respect, I'm not sure if this accurately represents the attitude of content singles. I realize that as a Christian, my worldview and response to singleness is different than that of the women writing these books. However, I would definately say that I try to keep Paul's command to be content in ALL circumstances. Also, I would not equate "settling" to a lack of willingness to make a commitment. In my experience, both in Christian and nonChristian circles, "settling" is usually referring to being with someone who is not up to par with either personal standards, or God's qualifications. Commitment is an entirely different issue.
Also, being content does not necessarily mean that a person does not have a strong desire to get married. Contentment is an active choice; it doesn't mean that if a person was completely controlling their own life, they would put in place all of the same circumstances. That is the beauty of accepting God's sovereignty.
7. V said the following at 1:42 PM on Apr 13:
... "But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." ... But everyone's got troubles, right? (1 Cor. 7:28b) Disclaimer: I'm all FOR marriage. :-)
(entire passage in 1 Cor. 7)
8. Elena said the following at 1:53 PM on Apr 13:
Justin: TMI, dearie. TMI.
I didn't read the linked article, but I will address Candice's opening sentence. I think the concept for most Christian singles who believe in marriage as an institution, a duty (when one is in it), a blessing, and a joy (and that divorce is not an option except in the case of unbelief or adultery) is this one:
It's better to be single and wish you were married than be married to someone who neglects you and mistreats you and be wish[ing] you were single.
Thus, the implication is Choose wisely whom you marry. Don't marry in haste. Don't marry in order to merely have someone.
I trust God to help me make a wise decision when the time comes, to prayerfully and carefully consider the man who pursues me, with due diligence and proper timing ... neither haste nor dragging of the feet. To do so with patience, calm, aplomb, grace, mercy, compassion, wisdom, and gratitude ... with neither fear nor naivete.
I'm sure the non-Christian/secular advisors would just tell you to avoid marriage and to stay single. (Sounds like it from those book titles.) Piffle on that!
9. P&P said the following at 3:35 PM on Apr 13:
Although finding a helpmate for life would be nice, being alone is better than being in a rotten/abusive marriage.
I also think that the article and books mentioned above are a backlash against the "smug married" couples portrayed in today's media and among some real life couples, where once you have a spouse and children, it's all rainbows and puppies for life.
Whenever I hear someone denigrate a single person (and frankly church couples are some of the worst "smug marrieds" I know) I always toss out the old line from Mae West:
Sure marriage is a great institution, but who wants to be in an institution?
10. Jethro said the following at 3:48 PM on Apr 13:
Really, who cares. If Focus and other groups promote marriage you can't turn around and complain when someone promotes singledom. It's like the lawyer arguing one side of a case turning to the judge and complaining that the other side had the audacity to hire a lawyer too.
11. Tom said the following at 4:41 PM on Apr 13:
Hrm hate to bring up that one Bible verse that everyone likes to re-interpret, read into, alternatively explain, or whathave you not... but Corinithans 7 does sort of support the proposition that singleness is a great thing, and that sometimes marriage isn't the best way.
Heh not saying that the world view is correct, because it is clearly not, and marriage indeed should be honored. But I do think that sometimes we Christians (and especially this site) push too hard in the other direction. Many of the articles here subtly do imply that singleness is bad, and that men who aren't in a committed Biblical relationship and aren't actively looking for one are somehow immature people that are hurting single females.
12. BrooX said the following at 8:01 PM on Apr 13:
Well, when I went through periods of whining about my singleness, a pretty wise (about most things) and older Christian gentlemen used to respond "like flies on a screen door!" "Half of them are dyin' to get in and half of them are dyin' to get out!" He said it to warn me against idealizing the state of being married.
While 2 are better than one, Solomon also warns that it isn't much fun being with a contentious spouse.
I tend to agree though, that it seems like a lot of 'sour-grapes' attitude with these women authors (singers too) and the "Sex In The City" type messages try to play it off as acceptable and popular.
Why don't more guys write books like these? C'mon, we know we're awesome and the ladies want to be with us! There's other things to be done than write a book about it! ...like go get dinner or get to Bible study, or swing dance...
...dang! now my head won't fit through the door - darn over-inflated ego again... :P
13. Leah said the following at 11:07 PM on Apr 13:
Tom, you said "Hrm hate to bring up that one Bible verse that everyone likes to re-interpret, read into, alternatively explain, or whathave you not..."
Well clearly, you don't hate to bring it up or you wouldn't have. Also, you just immediately jump to the conclusion that everyone likes to "re-interpret, read into, alternatively explain" your given verse- which is pretty rude. No-one likes words being put into their mouths.
14. Ahnivah said the following at 9:52 AM on Apr 14:
As a former feminist, I can relate to the charade of masking discontentment and unfulfilment by tearing down the very thing that you want the most, and for these women, that thing is marriage and family. God has been gracious enough to show me the error of my thinking, and I have since stopped trying to use cynicism and anger to medicate the heartache of unfulfilled longings. And God is showing me how to patient and contented with the things that I have. Yes, it is better to be single than to wish you are, but I know that if we singles allow God to lead us to a suitable christian marriage partner (I say "suitable" because I am not quite hip on the whole "soul mate" thing), than our marriages will be Godly... maybe not "perfect" in the sense that there won't be any struggles and hard times, but Godly all the same.... Sorry for rambling...
15. Kari said the following at 11:19 AM on Apr 14:
Respectfully I would question why Boundless thinks most Christian singles disdain marriage. I have a high regard for marriage and its basis in society; so high is my estimation that I would rather not weaken that institution by marrying poorly and divorcing my spouse and choose to live single.
However, I'll also add that I am not intentionally pursuing a spouse (ie. not dating) at this point and I may not ever. God has called me to a vibrant, exciting life of travelling and financial uncertainty, and plainly put, the whole-hearted pursuit of a husband and a typical married life would get in the way of what God has called me to do.
But I believe if I trust Him, God will provide for me the companions of His intention. I'm not lonely now; I need never be lonely if I let God provide for me. I trust Him - if He wants me to get married, I will meet the man whose purpose and vision for life is similar enough to mine that he can share my grand adventure and I can share his and we can be as two what we could never have been apart. But if not? I still need never fear I am abandoned by God because I do not have a husband; He will provide the things I really need.
Is being single really "great"? I see lots of amazing godly marriages around me, and those look pretty great. I think being single is just a different opportunity to live for God than marriage is. The medievial Christian theologist Tertullian chastised the Christians of his day for letting pagan virgins have the whole market on the religiously unmarried. I think it would be great if Boundless wrote more articles geared towards Christian singles who aren't in pursuit of a spouse at the moment, instead of disparaging Christian singles who aren't pursuing it yet.
16. m Castillo said the following at 11:37 AM on Apr 14:
I think I read that same article. There was another article in the same batch of a woman living on $12,000 a year and how she loves it because she know it's only for a season. The thing is that this women made a decision to leave her husband and now collects alimony while she goes to school and doesn't even work part time, she was a disgrace, but the media portrayed her as a hero.
Another article right next to it profiled a woman who lost a job, moved to another city for another job but brought 3 dogs with her and had to move to a campsite since no apartments would take dogs. When her job found out they fired her because they said it made their company look bad and then she had to take a job for minimum wage. They made her look like a determined modern woman when in reality she was foolish.
17. tmd said the following at 11:56 AM on Apr 14:
And the pendulum swings yet again. Why is it we humans are unable to settle in the middle with any issue?
I expect such behavior as outlined in this post from the secular world. Which, quite simply, makes this article a moot point. Candance Watters - even though USA today "boldly" printed a pro-singleness article, who cares? They're a liberal publication and are only serving to rehash and reinvent the Feminist Movement into something the current generation can and/or will accept. [Which makes sense as Rush Limbaugh has pointed out the recent trend away from Feminist mentality.] Need I say again: should we expect anything less from the secular world?
I might be alarmed if xtians behaved in like manner, which might have then made this article somewhat of a worthwhile read.
18. Vanessa said the following at 11:58 AM on Apr 14:
I believe the singleness crisis can be blamed on the lack of committment in our world today.
You see advertised everywhere "No contracts!" "No committment required." Why say "forever" to one person, when I can "hang out" in a group and get all the attention I need?
For that matter, why join formal membership in a church? What if I decide I don't want to listen to the pastor anymore? What if I don't like changes in the church? We have a serious problem in the world AND in the church.
To this I will say:
Pastors - quit promoting "Singles Conferences" that encourage staying single and instead offer training for preparation of marriage INCLUDING how to involve a spouse in ministry. Also, start requiring more accountability. Screen your lay ministry by asking for the name of the last church they attended and then call the pastor there and ask about the reason for leaving. If they're trouble, don't let them serve!
Parents - start making your children accept responsibility. Don't always bail them out of trouble. Better they be mad at you for a week than for them to be miserable for life.
Single women - quit hating men and dreaming about Mr. Right. Godly character is better than a buff body. And quit being "just friends" with guys because you're not doing them or yourselves any good.
Single men - quit secretly admiring that Godly woman and ASK HER OUT! On a date, and make your intentions clear. Even if she rejects you, at least you can keep your dignity.
19. KathleenM12 said the following at 1:55 PM on Apr 14:
Watters writes: "They're not content to say "single is great" and leave it at that. It seems they're on a mission to tear down marriage in the process."
I'm not quite sure how happy singles constitute a threat to anyone's marriage. Does Watters believe that these happy singles are concocting schemes to break up her marriage, or that they're hatching nefarious plots to target other married couples and make them get divorced? I just don't see it.
What I see here is the simple fact that lots of adults are enjoying their lives without feeling any compulsion to obtain a marriage license in order to have a rich and rewarding life. And -- no surprise here -- they're writing about it. (Interestingly, I don't see these singles writing about how marriage is a "threat" to singlehood or that their married friends are on a mission of destruction against them. Perhaps they simply believe that all people are free to conduct their lives as they see fit, without regarding the private preferences of others as a personal attack.)
Let's remember one obvious, but often overlooked, fact: marriages are not destroyed by people *outside* the marriage; every failed marriage is the failure of the married couple themselves. I've never heard anyone say that they're getting divorced by someone other than their own spouse.
Upshot: I'm baffled as to how anyone could look at happy and fulfilled singles and consider this in any way threatening to their own marriage. Perhaps Watters can better explain how she came to the conclusion that single people are conducting a 'mission of destruction' when they write about their lives.
20. Ame said the following at 11:15 PM on Apr 14:
Marriage is hard, very, very hard. But so is life. So is having children. So is working "up the ladder."
No, I will never be in an abusive marriage again, nor would I encouraged anyone else to be. But abuse aside, I loved being married and look forward to a day when I will marry again.
Still, after having spent a lot of years in the marriage world and now a relatively short time in the single world, I am shocked at how married couples and leadership within the church, in general, treat singles - absolutely shocked.
And, sadly, many married people express their marriage, and marriage in general, in such a negative way that singles become fearful and search to find happiness where they are b/c it's not lookin' too good on that married side. It's hard for one to want something, anything, when they hear so much bad stuff about it.
21. Leah said the following at 5:29 AM on Apr 15:
I guess I haven't really had the chance to wish I was married. I started dating/courting/going out with (what's the right word to use these days?!) my boyfriend when I was 17- and prior to that I didn't have any intense desire to get married :P (well, I did want to get married *one day*- and preferably, early 20s- but it wasn't a longing for *now*- "I wanna get maaaaarriiiiiied").
However, having been going out with him for 3 weeks short of 2 years now, I'm sure hanging out for marriage now- and hopefully it won't be long in coming ;)
22. Jamie said the following at 7:17 PM on Apr 15:
It would be better to walk everywhere. Or at the very least to bike. It's impractical in our society, I understand. But it would still be better, for many reasons, including proper stewardship of the planet.
That said, I was convicted a little by the Hebrews passage. I don't think that I consciously dishonor marriage, but as a strong believer in 1 Corinthians 7, I think I sometimes look down on marriage and married people.
23. KC said the following at 8:39 PM on Apr 15:
Hmm all this talk of adultescence is seen as and talked about a problem always (which I tend to agree it is a problem that should be dealt with on a more personal level than just a magazine article, that being said I think thats a mentors responsibility and a topic for later discussion as thats not my point). The way I tend to see things is that at least some guys I know personally don't want to mess up a marriage by dragging in stuff they know they have to square with so they use the extended period to deal with some of that stuff and it may take a couple years for that to resolve but when it does and they are ready I think they'll make much better Fathers having been through that than if they'd skipped on ahead and found mrs. right earlier even if it means adoption is the only way.
24. ro said the following at 1:35 AM on Apr 16:
To be perfectly honest, I sometimes struggle with feeling that the only one who didn't get the memo on how wonderful marriage is, and the benefits of marrying young - is God! I wonder if he reads Boundless:)
If its so good to marry young, and you've been praying for this for ages, God withholds no good thing right? But he does withhold the benefit of marrying young to many, so you have to wonder if God feels marrying young IS a good thing?
I'm just being open about admitting my struggles.
25. Leah said the following at 6:52 PM on Apr 16:
ro- Boundless is not saying EVERYONE should marry young. They are saying those for those who can, there is no reason not to.
26. Leah said the following at 6:58 PM on Apr 16:
Kathleen- Candice is not saying singles are trying to tear down specific marriages, but the concept of marriage. I realise not all singles do this, but some do. While Jamie does not consciously dishonour marriage, she said herself that "I think I sometimes look down on marriage and married people." It was simply an attitude Candice was talking about, not actively destroying marriages.
27. BrooX said the following at 5:06 PM on Apr 17:
'those who _can_, should.' I suspect that isn't exactly what you meant, Leah. More than just can/able, we need some more qualifiers for a healthy marriage; let's at least add "willing" and "ready" (in the multi-faceted, Biblical and maturity sense).
ro, I'd suggest God does indeed hold marrying young as a good thing because of numerous Biblical references to the "wife of one's youth". However, I'd also suggest that marriage in the wrong timing or wrong relationship with God is often a large burden that is not so good. While marriage and marriage young are good, God places a higher priority on our relationship with Him than he does on marriage or any other good thing.
We can still march off in our own will to marry young or do any of a number of things, but if we want to be in the Father's will, we will have to allow Him to arrange the priorities of our lives. Learning to trust and submit is not an easy thing to do... and I'd suggest that is what keeps many (not all) of us from marrying young.
Chip Ingram testifies that as a young Christian, he was very hesitant in his commitments to Christ because he was afraid that he'd end up as a missionary in Africa and never marry. As he continued to grow and yield to God, he slowly learned (and is still learning) that those kinds of fears are totally unfounded. It's only with the total commitment that we receive God's total blessings. Less than that is piece-meal.
Not that I'm there yet by any stretch. I'm still wrestling too...
28. Mandi said the following at 6:06 PM on Apr 17:
"(Speaking of "naked," I wonder how long these authors would be happily single if they weren't also having sex.)"
Not many! Crucial point, Candice.
29. MCW said the following at 4:59 AM on Apr 18:
You can't win if you keep trying to follow other peoples agendas - even those in the church. I'm learning that my first and only stop must be at the cross of Christ - because that shapes my view of everything. Is my future sorted - yes - because Jesus' blood has redeemed me from sin and His resurrection assures me of my final destination - heaven. But what about living in this "temporary" home? Being single/married plus all the other desires; where/how to serve God etc etc? Again I must go to the Cross because my confidence isn't in myself - if I trust God for my eternal future then I definitely should trust Him for my temporal one. I could spend (and have spent) a lot of time worrying about all the stats/boundless articles/mistakes I've made etc but actually thats all pointless as it accomplishes nothing. Instead I choose to pursue God and to go where He wants me - everything else that He has prepared for me will be added. And yes - I will choose to have my mind renewed by His Word and as my reading from Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest said this morning - "be ready to go" wherever He sends me!
30. Andrew said the following at 9:13 PM on Apr 18:
Broox,
We’ve been told for years by FOTF associates such as Neal Clark Warren that older, more mature people make better marriage partners. We’ve been instructed that more experience relating to others and dealing with our issues makes us more capable of relating intimately with our spouse.
Yet on the Boundless website, we’re encouraged to marry young, marry early and grow up THROUGH the marriage experience. This perspective tells is that delaying marriage just extends our adultescence and indicates our failure to grow up into adulthood. These viewpoints seem to contradict each other. So what can we make of this?
Is it as simple as an “either or” question? Suggesting only these two extremes seems to overlook the variety of our experiences and abilities in being ready, willing, and able to marry. So what answers can we come up with here?
Clearly, to generalise to all leaves us no better off. There are some people who might be better off getting married and working through life and their issues ‘as it happens.’ Others, perhaps those with significant emotional, spiritual or financial barriers to marriage may be better staying single until they can heal, grow and mature as needed. There are also those who, like all of us, are travellers on a journey and growing into the likeness of our saviour, who simply have no current burning desire to quench by getting married at this point. And finally, there are those who will never marry, for all manner of reasons.
Christians have always disagreed over the interpretation of "God's will" for our lives. When we are in relationship, each of us needs to assess ourselves honestly and seek trustworthy counsel. If Christian singles have the opportunity to marry, then they should seriously consider doing so. Mentors or accountability partners can help us with these decisions. We’re told that if we burn with desire for another, we’re better off getting married. But if we’re not ‘burning’, scriptures also tell us that’s ok too and to act accordingly. We are allowed to make choices in our marital status.
We may do well to remember that Christians have a different perspective on marriage. We acknowledge the spiritual union that marriage involves. We generally believe marriage was instituted by God, for our benefit. So why do we accept the secular humanists insisting on calling their unions the same as ours? Perhaps they simply have their terminology wrong; is it not marriage they are unhappy with, but the commitment and trappings of religious beliefs that go with it?
We do see this happening around us. Popular culture attempts to re-define what marriage is and how it functions. Perhaps we should ignore these feeble attempts at finger-pointing; we are meant to be different and marriage was a gift to us right from the start. That seculr people borrow and imitate marriage (and then try to re-define it) might better be seen as flattery.
Given that we believe marriage was basically invented by God for our benefit (involving both pleasure and pain, as we grow together over the years), we can recognise the slings and arrows against singles for what they really are: accusations that their single and celibate lifestyle is unacceptable to the current crop of secular social revolutionaries. As such, Christians should be able to rest easier. We know that our lives and our choices are accountable to God, not to social commentators.
That said, it is hard to watch individual Christians couples who struggle with the "should we get married" question. These are couples that may be emotionally and financially mature, respected as a couple by their friends and blessed by God, the church and their famlies in their relationship. But they hesitate to marry because one or both "haven't heard distinctly from God" that it's the right thing to do. It's a sad situation to see a couple in.
Marriage is a choice that we are free to make. The consequences of the choice will last a lifetime. it is good to take the issues involved seriously. But to generalise a "marry young" or "marry mature" prescription overlooks individual differences. We can use the discretion and good judgement that God has blessed us with to our advantage. Then make our choices as wisely as possible.
Even if we think we've blown it and severely messed up our lives, we may still be blessed regardless of our choices or our actions. To presume otherwise is to assume that God cannot work with our choices this side of heaven.
I can't speak for anyone else; but the God I serve is a lot bigger than this, and works out his purposes regardless of my marital status.
Blessings,
31. Dustin said the following at 11:58 PM on Apr 18:
I get pretty angry with much of the talk I hear about singles needing to be more open to marriage, more deliberate, etc. My anger comes not from the premises, but from the presumption. I am single, in my late twenties, and I would like to be married (as a matter of fact, I have wanted to be married since I was much younger). I have a desire to be married, a career, a college degree. I have a life.
When I was 18 I wanted to marry the girl I was dating. She wanted to marry me, too. We were not living a committed Christian life, and she ended up pregnant. She was 17 (but in college) and under her dad's authority. He forced her into an abortion. She and I broke up and became another sad statistic of the devastation wrought by legalized infanticide. I have not fallen in love with someone else, and I have had much to work through.
To suggest that I would rather be single, that I am selfish, or that I am not trying to find someone is very condescending, especially when it comes from high schoolers who have no idea how hard some of us try. Perhaps God knows what he is doing with our lives after all, and those of us who are looking are under the watchful eye of a loving God.
32. Ted Slater said the following at 8:47 AM on Apr 19:
Andrew,
Neal Clark Warren is not an associate of FOTF.
You write that "on the Boundless website, we’re encouraged to marry young, marry early and grow up THROUGH the marriage experience." I suppose it depends on your definition of "young." Our position is that, for a variety of reasons, it's probably best for most singles to shoot for getting married between 23 and 27 year of age. There are exceptions, of course, but that's a good age range to shoot for.
FWIW, I don't see the mid-20s as "young."
33. Lou G. said the following at 9:13 AM on Apr 19:
In reference to "moral equivalency" here are two appropriate quotes:
1. "My identity is not found in my marital status but in my redemptive status."
2. "Let's face it: singleness is not an inherently inferior state of affairs. If it were, heaven would be inferior to this world for the majority of Christians."
from "Singled Out for Good"
http://www.csu.ruf.org/News/NewsStory.aspx?guid=b170b47d-e66b-419b-b9bf-aa3e780bf9b2
34. Justin said the following at 11:28 AM on Apr 19:
...also, it's Focus on the Family, not Focus on the Single.
I find the constant emphasis on marriage annoying as well. But you kind of have to expect it from an association dedicated to helping families.
35. Ted Slater said the following at 11:51 AM on Apr 19:
Lou -- I don't understand the second quote. Is the author implying that there's no marriage supper of the Lamb in heaven, that the concept of marriage is irrelevant there?
Though I admit I don't understand how "marriage" will be fulfilled in heaven, I'd have to think that the Bride of Christ (that's us!) will more closely experience a married state than a single state.
Maybe I'm just misunderstanding the intent of the author of that quote....
And let me add a question for Justin -- what percentage of our blog posts and articles should we set aside for relationship-related articles? Is 25% too much? It's our experience that singles are interested in thinking about and talking about relationships....
36. Tami said the following at 2:37 PM on Apr 19:
You don't have to post this, but I think the quote is saying something like this:
According to Christ's words in Luke 20:34-36, as individuals, we are not given in marriage in Heaven. (Though, as you mention, as the Church we are corporately given as the Bride of Christ.) So, if singleness was an inherently inferior state, then the many married Christians would be *losing* something by being with our Lord in Heaven because they could not retain something they had here on earth -- a thought that is antithetical to anything Christ Himself suggests about our future home.
37. Ted Slater said the following at 2:48 PM on Apr 19:
Tami -- I truly believe your premise is faulty (and that, therefore, the quote is faulty). In heaven, singleness will not exist, as we will be united with our groom. None of us will be single; we'll all be married. Surely not in the way we think about it here on earth, but in some transcendent way.
The state of marriage is not being abolished. It's being fulfilled. If anything, the state of "singleness" is being abolished.
(Off-topic, but I do want to mention again that I was single until I was 36 years old. You are not going to find me denouncing the state of singleness.)
38. Tami said the following at 3:03 PM on Apr 19:
Ted -- That was actually my point. I'm sorry if I was unclear.
I'm not in any way deriding marriage OR singleness.
Thanks, Tami
39. Mike Theemling said the following at 3:07 PM on Apr 19:
A lot of good comments here.
- Neil Clark Warren actually promotes compatibility (his 29 degrees specifically) as insurance against divorce. He probably views maturity and compatibility hand in hand.
- Neil Clark Warren was "associated" with FOTF because he used it as a means to distribute his publications and E-Harmony dating site. Unfortunately, once eHarmony became popular to mainstream, HE cut ties with Focus stating that being associated with it was the kiss of death
- Yes, Boundless does spend a lot of time/articles on relationships, but it is justified simply because that is what is on young people's minds. Just look at where the majority of blog posts are at and it has to do with marriage/dating/courting/etc. So to say "it isn't an issue" with most young adults is inaccurate.
- Candice brings up a key point that a big reason why singles are content to stay single (or cohabitate) is that they can enjoy the perks of marriage (sex, companionship, dual incomes, etc) without the commitment. Unfortunately, a number of Christians have bought into this practice.
- I don't believe necessarily that singles want to "tear down" marriage simply because many, Christian or non-Christian still desire it. But I DO believe that many singles don't place it as a priority as they should and it's simply another thing "on the checklist" to do once other things have been done (have a career, see the world, etc.). Many feel marriage is "the last stop" and once that happens, you are essentially enslaved to a rut life, especially once you have children.