Both/And
by Ted Slater on 04/27/2007 at 2:24 PM
I found Carolyn McCulley's commentary on Candice Watters' recent Boundless article, "Misguided Compassion," very balanced.
As a refresher, Candice proposed that some singles groups could do better at preparing and enabling their members for the next season of life, marriage. Sometimes they focus so much on affirming the state of singleness and encouraging their members to simply "wait on God" that they end up discouraging singles from taking steps to move from that state.
Carolyn elaborated on the article, wisely pointing out that it's not either/or -- either you "wait on the Lord" and trust His sovereignty or you take steps to assure a "timely" marriage. Instead, she insists it be both/and -- both place your trust in the sovereign Lord of relationship and intentionally work toward marriage (unless, of course, you sense a calling to sanctified singleness / celibate service).
This reminds me of when I was provoked earlier this decade to bring an end to my years of contented adultescence and pursue marriage.
In the midst of pursuing the woman who ended up telling me "I do," I believe I heard from the Lord. I put it that way because if I've ever heard from Him, it was then. While seeking His counsel and direction and approval, I had the strong sense that He was "conspiring with me to win Ashleigh's heart." Yeah, that's the word -- "conspiring." Instead of Him doing "all the work" which would allow me to be passive, and instead of me "going for it" without depending on the Lord, I felt that He was right beside me like a great Mentor, cheering for me and enjoying watching the relationship blossom.
Our situation was atypical, I think, in that we placed such an emphasis on physical and emotional purity that we both consequently had a keen and uncluttered sense of the Lord's direction. But I think our experience reveals what could take place -- a fine balance of both my taking initiative and our trusting in the sovereign grace of the Lord.
1. Elena said the following at 11:21 PM on Apr 27:
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Ted posted this fabulous blog post. And there was much rejoicing. =o)
2. Lindsay said the following at 11:26 PM on Apr 28:
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I am a young, single woman who would like to be married. I wholeheartedly agree with the "Both/And" idea. I understand what you mean by trusting in the Lord, but what can women do to intentionally work towards marriage too? We can pray, better ourselves, and be social, but how else can we be proactive? It seems easier for guys, because they are expected to initiate. I do not want to be the initiator though; I want to be pursued.
3. Lis said the following at 3:54 AM on Apr 29:
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A very refreshing balance!
"I had the strong sense that He was 'conspiring with me to win Ashleigh's heart.'" This phrase has stuck in my mind since I first read this post...and it's full of hope!
Thanks, Ted.
4. Mandi said the following at 3:20 PM on Apr 29:
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Ted, you're right on!
I smiled when I read about your co-conspiring with God for your wife's heart...what the Early Church referred to in Greek as "synergia". I.e., humanity's co-operation with God in attaining full fellowship with Him. On the one hand, this full communion with God cannot happen without His grace and assistance. On the other, we've gotta do our part. The two work together, though God's part in this process of co-operation is infinitely greater than ours.
5. Jennifer said the following at 5:19 PM on Apr 29:
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Lindsay asked, "We can pray, better ourselves, and be social, but how else can we be proactive?"
Go online. There are scores of dating Web sites -- some of them Christian -- that might have the guy you're looking for. I think in this day and age of busy schedules, it's an essential part of today's single lifestyle. Not to mention that more and more couples are meeting this way. I know several happy , normal people who met online. You should give it a try.
6. Leah said the following at 6:53 PM on Apr 29:
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I think it HAS to be both/and. If one of them is missing (ie. if you're not actively working towards finding a spouse, or if you're not trusting in God) then something is wrong.
That is, of course, if you want to be married. For those who don't, well, you don't need to be actively looking for a spouse then ;P But still trust God!!
7. Leah said the following at 12:22 AM on Apr 30:
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I only just read the article itself.
I was astounded that a church's leadership would refuse the opportunity for its singles to meet other singles with a view to marrying. They were actively discouraging these people from getting married! I understand they were trying to make their singles feel comfortable in their singleness, and that's commendable, but how does that mean they shouldn't even attempt to find a spouse? Apparently contentment should mean "I don't want to change my circumstances at all".
Even if they didn't want the event associated with their name, or didn't want to promote it as "we think this is a good idea and are going to make it a night out", they could at least let their singles know of the event!
I was so glad to hear that the singles heard about the event anyway. What a testimony to their eagerness (and not necessarily lack of contentment) that they turned up in greater proportions than the responsive churches!
8. David said the following at 10:20 AM on Apr 30:
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Let's hold on a second... does anyone else think we are placing too much emphasis on marriage and not enough emphasis on Christ?
While marriage is a great, glorious, God-ordained, God-given gift to His children - it is not the pinnacle of human existence! As crazy as this is, it is merely the physical pointing to the ultimate spiritual union of Christ and His church (Eph 5:22-33, Rev 19:6-10)!
Psalm 16:11 - In your presence is fullness of joy, and at your right hand are pleasures forevermore!
Psalm 84:10 - Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere!
My pastor has been going through a sermon series on marriage and singlness, and he just compared the joy found in marriage to the joy found in Christ to the amount of water that can be held by a thimble compared to the amount of water in the Pacific ocean. He's not minimizing marriage, as he says that is one of the greatest blessings of His life, but he is MAXIMIZING the value and joy of Christ.
All I'm saying is that we shouldn't lose focus on where our true joy should come from - Christ. Let us not make being satisfied in God contingent upon His blessing of us... particularly with a husband/wife!
What can we do while waiting for marriage? We can learn to love God more than we will ever love any person - because even in marriage our ultimate satisfaction is not found in the spouse, but in Christ.
9. Raj Sharma said the following at 11:53 AM on Apr 30:
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I am with david and his Pastor. Considering how well Marriage is doing as a cultural and religious institution, we should talk less about it.
10. BDB said the following at 11:56 AM on Apr 30:
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>>Let's hold on a second... does anyone else think we are placing too much emphasis on marriage and not enough emphasis on Christ?<<
Oh, there's lots of places on the Internet to discuss politics, theology, etc. I get my economics and business news from wsj.com, not boundless.org.
Looking back at how few comments there were in, say, September 2006, I'd say that the folks organizing this particular webzine/blog have done a good job of attracting an audience.
11. xeres said the following at 4:36 PM on Apr 30:
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Marriage is a covenent and a gift from God that is to reflect the nature of God or give a foretaste of God, not just a mere social or religous institution. Let's not call marriage an "institution".
12. Claire said the following at 4:39 PM on Apr 30:
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David, I'm failing to see where the previous people- especially Ted- put too much focus on marriage and not enough on God. His pursuit of his wife centered around God and His plan for them. I don't believe anyone is saying they can't or don't find joy outside of Christ and His love for us.
13. xeres said the following at 5:06 PM on Apr 30:
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Forgot to add this part but if people who are intentionally staying single because of:
>fear of relationships (marriage, friendship, etc)
>investing themselves and making their lifestyle about them is more important than glorifying God
>Guilt issues
>thinking they are more devout of a Christian by fill their life with doing primarily cool looking actitivies for sake of it to look as if they are super Christian because they did all those things
> and not for the sake of the Gospel or for embracing the gift of celibacy God has given them.
They need to have a long talk with God. Very long, in fact. I'm bringing up because the worldview of singleness held by many people in the Christian culture is not at all how Paul view singleness, not even by a long shot. What I don't like is how people use someone's martial status to determine how devoted, faithful I am to God or how benefical am I to the Kingdom. No wonder many singles are extremely confused.
14. Leah said the following at 6:29 PM on Apr 30:
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Raj- marriage is NOT doing well as an institution. Fewer young people are getting married, fewer young people aspire to get married, mroe marriages are breaking up- I wouldn't say marriage is doing well in our culture!
David- in case you missed it, this website is for singles; which, for a lot of the time, also concerns how singles should go about finding a spouse. I sometimes get a little frustrated with how much this site focuses on marriage and finding a spouse etc, but then I remember that this is a singles blog, and that is one of the aims of it, and one of the highest concerns for its intended audience. If you think that looking for a spouse somehow minimises the joy we find in Christ, I think there are many, many, MANY articles and blog posts on Boundless that would explain that this is not the case.
15. Emily said the following at 8:23 PM on Apr 30:
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Ted,
Enough people have praised you for this post, so I am going to take the opposite view point. I am angry/frustrated with the doublespeak I find on this website regarding the Gift of Singleness. May I suggest the editors exercise some editorial discretion and decide where you are going to come down on this topic? Either you embrace the Debbie Maken camp, and what Candice has written on the subject, or you embrace the Carolyn McCulley camp. They are diametrically opposed. Are you are going to flatter the singles that read your website about “this special gifting” of singleness, or, to quote Alex Chediak, are you going to say “get married young man”? Embracing both views creates confusion, and I for one am not sure where you stand.
It is one thing to want to include the whole family of God, and it is another to prop-up unsound doctrine. As these two points of view are opposed, one of them is false. And as Debbie Maken points out, the Bible and thousands of years of history, are on the side of “get married young man”.
16. BDB said the following at 10:36 PM on Apr 30:
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Emily wrote:
>>It is one thing to want to include the whole family of God, and it is another to prop-up unsound doctrine. As these two points of view are opposed, one of them is false.<<
Hmmm...I'm guessing that "Wild at Heart" is in the Debbie Maken camp.
Since we're taking sides, then we also need an "Elisabeth Elliot" camp for those who believe that God still speaks, and that the answer for a specific person's life might indeed be x years single and x years married, and maybe x years single again.
(I'm sure she'd be thrilled to know that people are taking sides and labeling each other...)
17. Jacob said the following at 10:45 PM on Apr 30:
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"Let's hold on a second... does anyone else think we are placing too much emphasis on marriage and not enough emphasis on Christ?"
On the contrary, the pinacle of existence is our marriage to Christ. Entering into marriage is not only the natural thing to do (we were created for it, according to Jesus in Matthew), but it also results in a life that represents in some small way that greater. Married people, it seems, have a much better chance of growing closer to Christ because they actively participate in a relationship that models Christ's relationship to his Church.
I am rather perplexed by Emily's comment. I don't see the doublespeak, and I read most of the articles and blogposts. If anything, Boundless has come out against the "Gift of Singleness" crowd, with the qualification that there are a few singles who may actually have a true calling to a life of singleness. Maybe I'm missing something...
18. Leah said the following at 11:08 PM on Apr 30:
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Emily, you put the challenge to Ted- "Are you are going to flatter the singles that read your website about “this special gifting” of singleness, or, to quote Alex Chediak, are you going to say “get married young man”?"
1) I don't think this website is "flattering" singles about this "special gifting". Flattering implies dishonesty behind the praise. Yes, Boundless affirms singles and says that singleness can be good. But only to a certain degree. Singleness, for the sake of selfishness, is bad. Boundless wants to pull people out of that rut and direct them on a good path towards either marriage or Godly singleness.
2) As I just touched on, it is quite possible to both affirm singles and say "Get married, young man". The two views are not opposed, therefore neither is necessarily false.
3) The Bible is not necessarily on the side of "get married young man". Jesus was not married. Paul was not married. Many other believers at the time appear to be unmarried. I don't think I need to expand on this- many articles on boundless demonstrate how the bible does not say everyone must get married.
19. Phoebe said the following at 11:43 PM on Apr 30:
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Emily, what about Paul's statements about 'It is better to remain single in order to serve God, but most are called to marriage'(to paraphrase)?
The answer IS Both/And. Yes, God's design for humans is marriage and procreation. Yes, this is beautiful, and we should be prepared for it and we should seek it! But yes, also, in singleness we must seek God more than our natural desires, we must desire contentment with Him. This can be possible while (depending on our life-circumstances) seeking marriage.
Emily, something you may need to realize about the Christian walk, and indeed many Christian beliefs, is that there is almost always a need for balance, or a sense of paradox.
For example: Are we to love others more than we love ourselves? Yes. We are to serve others and seek their welfare, not our own personal interests (Phil. 2:3-4). But do we neglect our own needs, particularly our spiritual needs, in order to exhaust ourselves for others? The Bible says to love others *as we love ourselves*, and to maintain our 'temples of the Holy Spirit', which are our bodies. This implies that we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves, while realizing that this is not an end in itself. Neither is exhausting oneself in service an end in itself. Our chief end is to glorify God, sometimes accomplished by serving others, sometimes by taking care of our bodies and spiritual needs! Both, in balance.
Yes, Emily, Both/And is possible.
20. RFuller said the following at 12:53 AM on May 1:
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"They are diametrically opposed. Are you are going to flatter the singles that read your website about “this special gifting” of singleness, or, to quote Alex Chediak, are you going to say “get married young man”? Embracing both views creates confusion"
How are they diametrically opposed? Isn't it possible to view singleness as a gift and be looking to marry at the same time? To me it just implies that we should use our singleness as a gift, for while we have it. It's not necessarily a permanent thing and there are Scriptures to back up both the value of singleness and the value of marriage. Singleness, for most people, is just a season and the time spent as such should be maximized. At the same time, one can be pursuing marriage.
I, for one, don't always like being single, but recognize the time as having the purpose of devoting oneself to the Lord and His work (see 1 Cor. 7) while undistracted by a husband and kids. At the same time, I am praying for a husband and family and there are plenty of Biblical references to the value of marriage (Aquila and Priscilla are prime examples of a godly couple serving together).
I just don't see how Boundless writers' opinions are so diametrically opposed. Rather, they are admonishing those in different stages to make the most of what has been given.
21. DanL said the following at 6:19 AM on May 1:
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Emily,
Perhaps the answer lies in the middle. It is good and fitting for young men to marry and seek to marry. But it is not always as easy or straightforward as Debbie Maken makes it out to be.
22. Claire Jones said the following at 9:42 AM on May 1:
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Hello Boundless writers. I am VERY confused on one point. You guys say that it is OK to seek marriage. HOWEVER, in 1 Cor. 7, Paul tells us not to seek to change our state. That is, if we are single, we shouldn't seek to change that.
Can someone explain Paul's saying to me? I find that I do not have the gift of celebacy, but I somehow don't feel it is all right to go looking for a husband. Help!
23. Captain Sensible said the following at 10:33 AM on May 1:
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Emily - Thank you, I COULD NOT AGREE MORE!!!
To those of you raising issues such as Paul's singleness and whether or not it is right to call singleness itself a "gift", I can only suggest that you read Debbie Maken's book: "Getting Serious about Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness."
Debbie Maken explains this much better than I could, but in essence, what we have done (in this generation alone) is take what was traditionally always regarded as a rare gifting towards "celibacy" and erroneously applied it to everyone that happens to be circumstantially single.
So yes, Paul seems to have been supernaturally gifted with "celibacy". But there is no reason to believe that "Susie Schoolteacher" is supernaturally gifted with "singleness"! The Bible does not call singleness a "gift" ever! (Well, except in the new modern paraphrased Bibles that seem to have done a lot of damage in this area.)
I also have expressed concerns previously about Boundless's mixed messages with regard to their comments policy.
It's all very well for Candice to write something positive and helpful like her Misguided Compassion post, in which she writes this: "A quick look at the messages coming out of most singles groups, Christian books for singles and singles websites and blogs reveals a common theme: 'If God wants you married," they reason, "He'll make it happen. If you try to make it happen, you'll risk upsetting God's will for your life. Be the best single you can be and leave the rest to Him.'
Candice seems to disagree with this viewpoint.
But does Candice not realise that Boundless themselves are one of the culprits of spreading and perpetuating this type of thinking?
They do this in two primary ways:
1) By leaving comments to that effect unchallenged on the blog (thereby delegating the responsibility to others to correct it!)
2) By promoting the writing of Carolyn McCulley.
Now although Carolyn's "both/and" perspective (which I take to mean being a fellow-worker with God in terms of actively pursuing marriage) is, I believe, quite correct, it seems to to me that this is a new perspective from Carolyn. Her book contains such gems as:
"Ultimately we are single because that's God's will for us right now. That's it."
"We are single today because God apportioned us this gift today."
"If God has marriage for me, He will bring it about."
"(A) college friend wondered whether I was really serious about getting married. She wanted to know why I wasn't more proactive about achieving that goal...I couldn't just sit around and expect it to happen. She was trying to be helpful, to express her care. But her words fueled a slow boil of despair in my soul."
So whilst I commend Carolyn for what appears to be her new "both/and" approach, by promoting her as a writer, Boundless is in effect directing readers to her book, which seems to go against a lot of what Boundless is trying to encourage.
It really is all quite exasperating!
24. Mike Theemling said the following at 11:48 AM on May 1:
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Claire Jones,
The passage can be confusing, and many have tried to point out specific verses in it to justify their viewpoints without considering the entire context.
Understand first that there will always be people who have a particular tilt towards this passage. The "don't seek a mate" group and the "It's OK to seek a mate" group.
To summarize (and that's just it, there are plenty of commentaries/discussions on the 1 Cor 7 passage), Paul is in my interpretation saying in essence 3 things:
- Singleness is the preferred state since you do not have your attention divided between serving God and serving your family
- However, because of the realities of life (sexual temptation mainly) it is better to marry than to try live in a constant sexual struggle. The text says "better to marry, than to burn with passion".
- The advice to marry/not marry is just that, advice. Paul makes it clear here what is a command from God and what it his recommendation. Marrying is not sin (unless it is to an unbeliever) nor its pursuit. Of course, many will point out the caveat that overly-pursuing is idolatry which can certainly be true, but over-pursuit can be for just about anything. There seems to be for some reason this "extra caution" put onto marriage but other things (having children, ministry work, etc) get no scrutiny.
Interesting that the word "should" is used 11 times in this chapter and "must" only occurs 6 times (NIV version) and it's pretty clear and obvious what those "must's" are.
Bottom line: There is nothing wrong with "pursuing" marriage, even for a woman. The question now is, "What is defined as pursuing which is done in a godly manner?". This produces many more debates about dating vs. courting, flirting vs. waiting, etc. That's for another discussion, but fortunately there are LOTS of them in the Line's archives.
25. Ted Slater said the following at 12:39 PM on May 1:
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It puzzles me how some have come to the conclusion that Boundless affirms passivity and extended adolescence and a distain for "timely" marriage....
26. Leah said the following at 7:55 PM on May 1:
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Captain Sensible- while I don't disagree that singleness can be a gift, I also agree with the idea that the bible doesn't say it is a gift. However, this doesn't automatically mean singleness is wrong. Paul says many times that singleness is good, because singles can serve God differently to married people. But he also says marriage is good. So both are just as good as the other, it's just that most people won't be given celibacy, and so, should get married.
27. Leah said the following at 11:22 PM on May 1:
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Claire Jones-
1 Corinthians 7 actually says no such thing. It says we must not seek to change the state that God has called us for.
I've left a bit more of a comment regarding this verse on the "Mohler vs Piper on Singleness" thread.
28. jan said the following at 11:44 PM on Jul 3:
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Well, I guess I'm violating my own advice, because rummaging around the internet brought me to this sight... but I wanted to say: I'm thrilled that this is apparantly a big discussion among singles currently; and, I wish it had been a debate (at least one I was aware of) 20-30 years ago when I was a young single. I refer to the debate around these two sides -- God's sovereign will and our initiative and responsibility in the matter of singleness. Several years ago I wrote the following, and this only after spending decades pretty much agonizing over my singleness. In addition, I have to say, who is Carolyn McCulley? Elisabeth Elliot has to be the all-time top spokesperson for the "God's sovereign will" view...
Reflections
"The insights of (mostly) women in the different stages of singleness - 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's - follow a pattern and pretty much ring true to that pattern. There is a time for really agonizing, because these are the years when something COULD happen, someone COULD come along to make a "timely" marriage, and real the possibility of having a family. These are critical years, and the tension between "waiting/ accepting" and "doing" something about it is real and perplexing. What IS God's "will"?
(Here I want to make a side comment. It is interesting to see how E. Elliot/?/Gren is still oft quoted and much admired. However, I wish Ms. Elliot, with the considerable influence she apparently continues to wield, were able also to be a little more honest about some very practical factors in both her personality and actions, when it comes to her marital status and God's "will" for her.)
Back to the reflections at hand. In my 30's, very much influenced by a fatalistic view of God's will and my singleness, I endlessly struggled to trust Him. If marriage was what I really wanted (and deep in my heart I knew it would not solve my problem or meet my real need), I would have better spent my time actually meeting men (in good places), losing a little weight, lightening up and enjoying life. Marriage is a very practical matter after all, and most men are not going to be attracted to women who spend endless hours agonizing on the internet.
However, I was "true to myself", and also unwilling to compromise my self-centeredness to the point of including another flawed human being on an intimate level. Honestly ask yourself how many actual men you've recently met to whom you'd want to be married. Ask yourself if it's real marriage or the idea of marriage to which you're attracted.
Yet people meet and marry every day. Don't fear the "will of God" in this: "You get what you get and don't throw a fit". That's not how it is, that's not who He is. One of the happiest days of my life was when I finally relegated Ms. Elliot to fallen human status, separated her voice from the voice of Jesus in my head and heart, and moved on (forgiving her). (I feel it is appropriate to critique her influence on my life in a public format, as she has made herself and her viewpoint available to the public.)
We work out our salvation with trembling and fear. It's never easy. But life does have its seasons. Especially if you're young, but even if you're my age, limit this internet thing, get outside, keep living/loving/serving. Take a risk; follow a fellow to So. America if you're heart so desires :) Be honest about the emptiness inside (which everybody struggles with) and meet it with the real and living solution, Our Lord. Allow Him to love you, and love Him back with all your might."
Thanks for reading. And now my own both/and postscript. I have met (in my 50's) a god-loving man who also loves me... and the whole perspective endorsed by Boundless is useful and instructive to me even now -- a big push toward the God-fearing reality and obedience I needed all along!