The Marriage Script
by Motte Brown on 03/29/2007 at 5:05 PM
Early this year, author Kay S. Hymowitz gave a lecture at conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation on her book Marriage and Caste in America: Separate and Unequal Families in a Post-Marital Age. In her message about the growing social divide between married and single-parent households, she said that part of the problem is that we've lost the "script" for getting married and having children.
What I'm suggesting is that without a program, people lose a way of organizing their lives, a life script, a means of orienting themselves toward the future, and a way to build wealth.... The script is vitally important not just for people of marriageable age, but for children and adolescents. It tells them where they are going and what matters. The pursuit of a (hopefully) permanent partner is an essential project for the young. It forces them to try to know themselves, to consider how they want to live, to plan their careers, ... It builds self-restraint and self-knowledge.
Hymowitz tells the story of young man who grew up without the script, who fathered three children out of wedlock. She called what happened to them creating an "accidental family." Sociologist Dr. Leon Kass maintains a similar theory about the need for a script. Only he adds that one is needed for the way we date as well.
Today, there are no socially prescribed forms of conduct that help guide young men and women in the direction of matrimony.... People still get married -- though later, less frequently, more hesitantly, and, by and large, less successfully. For the great majority, the way to the altar is uncharted territory: It's every couple on its own bottom, without a compass, often without a goal. Those who reach the altar seem to have stumbled upon it by accident....
If you are in need of a marriage and family script, go here, here, and here.
1. Michelle said the following at 8:14 PM on Mar 29:
Wow... I'm a mature believer. I've been saved and living an obedient single life my entire adult life. I'm the type of woman that some single women would cringe to think about... never married, no dates, no boyfriends. Understandably I'm many of their worst fears in many ways realized. I have so many thoughts, so many things to share, but mostly it is for young Christian (or even non-Christian) women to take the time to get underneath their skin and work on themselves. Wanting to marry and have children on the surface can be extremely noble and arguably biblically supported. Oh yes, it is arguable, debatable on some levels because that desire is generally selfish instead of selfless. Who in their right mind has selfless desires? Mostly none of us. My thoughts are highly unfavorable and shunned by many in the Christian community, perhaps those who only want to see the "selfless" side of marriage and family and not give any credit to the side that is honestly brought us to the place we are at today... in need of this site, this community and these writers addressing the entire area of "Christian dating." The issue isn't one of dating, the issue is not one of prolonged adolescence, the issue is one of selfishness on both sides. Men who are selfish tend to not want to marry, women who are selfish want marriage more than anything else, essentially these are just opposite poles but the same centrality... SELFISHNESS. Do you want to see a return to something more noble, more biblical??? Then teach on selflessness and point out how these desires are often selfish, not selfless and then offer those things to God and allow Him to show the young woman how her desire is not so noble after all. Yes, my words are unpopular and perhaps some may even argue that they are anti-Christian in some way, but they are not. What I want to say is that every human being has desires and if you take the time to STOP calling the normal desire noble and turn over the leaf to reveal that their is a huge side to that desire linked to false validation and "giving worthiness" to self outside of God, then you will offer a level of wisdom to young girls that they may not like, may not even understand and may even debate as non-Christian, then you will have given a full picture. Right now, the emphasis is leaning in the wrong direction which is supporting selfishness and giving it all kinds of biblical support. Just another perspective, and one I hope that your writers can at least try to understand and embrace, otherwise you are PART OF THE VERY PROBLEM. Address this… any desire so great that it causes you to sin, compromise God or your relationship with Him is NOT FROM GOD. Any desire that gives you hopes that God is not on your side or in your corner or supporting you is NOT FROM GOD. When a young girl/woman longs so greatly for a husband and children, she needs to understand that she has linked marriage and motherhood to something it is not, she’s looking to it to be her validation, be her God and be her “salvation.” Like the writers, I’ve dealt with Christian women for many years. I can’t be the only one who has seen this. I know I am not. Wives and mothers know it all too well. Talk to the ones who were these young girls at one time and if they can become transparent and honest enough they will share that what these girls are hoping for so painfully is NOT REAL, just an image. Marriage and motherhood are acts of selfless service which have a high calling in God’s eyes, but it is a ministry and any thoughts that it is anything but ministry should be abandoned. All those eros laden thoughts just serve to confuse us and make us crazy (for a moment), but those enjoyable eros moments are just what they are and they never end and our sexuality doesn’t limit them to marriage. Ask the married people… they’ll tell you that they are attracted to others post marriage. Those feelings, those desires that the young girls have, they don’t go away with marriage and certainly not motherhood. In some cases they just intensify and lead a woman down another false pathway to serve her own selfish desires. It’s deep… you’ve got to start sharing this other side and let them know that God is in control, still on the throne, knows their hearts and desires. He has not left them or forsaken them and when they turn their hearts truly toward Him, He is going to bless them so abundantly that their desires won’t hardly disappear, He’ll just start FULFILLING them one by one.
2. Kyle said the following at 12:54 AM on Mar 30:
Selfishness and Selflessness. Although they are two things that every believer needs to look at no matter where they are in life, I'm unclear of exactly how they fit specifically into a discussion on specific paths relating to building a family and becoming more mature men and women of God.
I am often reminded of how selfish I truly am. I know that when I search myself, and allow God to point out areas in which he wants to cut things out of me (much like a surgeon operating on cancer), selfishness is up there, or at the very least a number of my motives are selfish in some way or another. I think anybody would be hard pressed to find something that they do that has absolutely no selfish motive behind it, although it does exist as shown by Christ on the cross.
However, I have to say that although I agree that "any desire so great that it causes you to sin, compromise God or your relationship with Him is NOT FROM GOD," I would not agree that the desires that are commonly found within people are not noble. Of course there are selfish reasons for wanting to get married, but just because our reasons for wanting to be married aren't necessarily perfect does not mean they aren't noble. Proverbs says that "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22).
Even if we don't necessarily know what we are getting into when saying "I do!" does not mean that it is a bad thing. I think that virtually any Christian who is married will agree that marriage will point out sins and selfish motives we didn't know even existed.
Lastly, I'm glad that when I get married, I'm going in not knowing everything because if I already knew everything about myself and my spouse, and every other thing that marriage brings out of us, I think I would be too scared to get married. But luckily I don't know everything that is entailed, and will be going into marriage naive enough to think its a good thing and worth any work it may require. If you will permit, I would like to compare this naiveness to what happens when beginning a relationship with Christ. First of all, I would never go back on that decision in my life, even if God would let me, but that doesn't mean that its not hard and painful. If I knew then half of what I know now about the sacrifices it takes to follow Christ. Maybe not even half, I would be too selfish to give my life to Christ. There is so much work, pain, and suffering that is part of a reltionship with Christ because (going back to the earlier analogy of a surgeon), God is going to remove the cancer of sin from me. It will take till death, but he will be there cutting away the parts of me he doesn't want. Marriage and the paths leading up to marriage are parts of how he does that in our lives more often than not because in marriage, we can't be selfish and love as God has called us to.
3. Jacob said the following at 6:24 AM on Mar 30:
Michelle,
Are you saying that I have to have perfectly selfless desires before I should think about getting married? If so, that sounds pretty unrealistic.
Yes, there is a lot of false expectations in young people pursuing marriage and children, however, being married and having children allows one the opportunity to work through and address those areas of immaturity. If I want to be a good servant, I have to go out and actively serve. If I want to be selfless on the level that marriage requires, I'm hard pressed to find situations where I can practice selflessness to the degree outside of wedlock.
I certainly agree that we need to remember that God is in control, and that there is a danger of making an idol out of marriage, but I also agree with Augustine, who said that the Christian life will never be free from sin, never have completely pure desires and motives, until the Restoration when we are given new bodies. Until then, yes, we are being sanctified, but perfect piety is impossible.
4. John M. said the following at 7:33 AM on Mar 30:
You may be reading a little too much into this Michelle. I think the main point is, that if one is not married, not to just stumble into an "accidental" family through just hooking up and so forth. You have been prudent and avoided that. So really you DO have a life script and a family script that you're following.
5. nick said the following at 8:38 AM on Mar 30:
I think this emphasis on scripts is questionable. Zacchaeus, Peter, the rich young ruler, all had "life scripts" too, which Jesus personally called them to abandon. The Christian does well to be ready to do the same.
6. Michelle B said the following at 9:18 AM on Mar 30:
Michelle:
I am in very similar circumstances, mature believer, saved and living an obedient single life, and my young friends all hope they don't end up like me in that I've never married, no dates (OK, one), no boyfriends. But I really must dissagree with you when you say, "any desire so great that it causes you to sin, compromise God or your relationship with Him is NOT FROM GOD". God created us in His image and all our "natural desires" are *from* Him. I agree that we often pervert those desires into something that He didn't intend, but that doesn't mean the desire is wrong. How can anything that comes from God be sin?
Kyle, Jacob & John:
I think you all have very balanced views on this subject.
How can we know how selfish we are if no one is there to show us. We need others who are close to us to help us know ourselves better and that will include bringing our fallen selfish nature right to the surface.
Back to the article :) The use of the word "script" struck me as an interseting choice of words as I have always of SCRIPTure as my guide for living. God has given us *the* program for living in His Holy Word.
7. sina said the following at 9:21 AM on Mar 30:
I've written a marriage script for myself but it seems God has been revising it. I don't think any of us can really know what the script is going to be like since our plans are not God's plans.
Also in response to Michelle, I am a 35 year old single woman and to be honest, I believe I am becoming more selfish the longer I stay single. I go where I please when I please, I cook the foods I like, and pretty much make decisions that only affect me for the most part (I've moved a total of 5 times in the last 9 years). A husband and children would really make me truly consider others before myself.
8. Marci said the following at 9:25 AM on Mar 30:
Michelle,
I think there were many insightful points you made that singles in the church should certainly take note of, but making blanket statements does undermine some aspects of your argument. For example, while it is well-documented that there are men who avoid marriage because of selfishness (preoccupation with their own stuff, etc), it is NOT similarly well documented that women typically have selfish desires that lead them to want marriage. It's literally comparing apples and oranges.
I get the feeling - through what you wrote - that you have a few specific cases in mind when you express frustration with such selfishness in women (correct me if I'm wrong here). If this is the case, we have to be careful not to take a few examples we know of and charge all women of faith who desire marriage with selfishness! For instance, I have had the exact opposite experience with women - maybe its because there's a lot of teaching on the ministry purposes of marriage in my church, but the vast majority of women in the young adults have their heads on straight about the great ministry responsiblity that marriage is. So you're right to stress the importance of the church teaching on such things, but my honest opinion is that while some people will marry with a certain image of marriage in mind only to later discover there's more, there are individuals who understand more about marriage because they've been taught well.
But this is not to condemn people who did have one image of marriage and then learn it's another - psychologists say this is an absolutely regular occurance. For instance, we all apply for jobs we believe will be wonderful, and undoubtedly, our imaginings of what that job will be like are a *stretch* from what they turn out to be lol. This doesn't mean we haven't found our dream job, or that we're incapable of perfoming well in our new position, or that we won't be able to experience its fullness. It just means that we all make decisions with the information we have at the moment (hopefully prayerfully and with godly counsel from mentors!). No one *exactly* knows what they're in for until they marry - there is always a difference between perception and reality, and this difference doesn't devalue the reality.
And is there really anything wrong with looking forward to marriage with eager anticipation, even if we learn more about the ministry of marriage as we progress in our newly married life? Even godly teaching can only impart so much about what the reality of the marriage experience will be.
Moreover, *and most importantly*, I believe that God places the desire for marriage within individuals who are called to it - they may not be fully informed (this process, like any other, takes time), but to call such 'uninformed' but God given desire selfish is to belittle this calling/desire that Christ so often bestows on his children. It is a healthy, lovingly bestowed gift by our Father - these desires are right and good in his sight. It's just our job to learn more about how to use and channel this desire in the best possible way(s).
Blessings to you!
9. nicole said the following at 1:43 PM on Apr 2:
Michelle I wholeheartedly agree that many can tend to make the "script" or desire into their god, they focus so intensely on making it happen that they forget who is the giver of the desires in the first place. But, even if God asks us to abandon our script or changes it doesn't mean it was wrong to have one in the first place. We are co creators with God not puppets.
I would like to offer a different perspective on the bigger part of your post though. I know that since you've mentioned many don't seem to like the same message you've shared here thaf if any of us disagree our opinions already lose their value as you seem to be convinced yours it right.
I love to be right but if there's anything I have learned in the last few years is that it is impossible for me to be SOoo sure of myself. I would profess my beliefs and hold them out as absolute truth. No matter how many disagreed. There really isn't much of anything we can know for sure for sure in this world. That's the reason for faith and faith is open and humble. You may be right and you may be wrong. Or partly right and partly wrong. I would like to gently challenge your self assuredness. Perhaps if so many have disagreed it may be a good idea to run your thoughts past a priest. Not to prove or disprove your right or wrongness, just for your sake and others to know whether or not you are on the right path. I only suggest this because I know I have been very partriotic to my own thinking to the point of being led down a very different path by Pride and self righteousness than I intended to go down. I'm not saying this is what you're doing I just wanted to offer some of my own experience in light of how convinced you appeared to be in your message.
One of the great things about God is that if we want to do God's will but have the wrong idea about a desire we might have, He has a wonderful promise to make all things new, to order things to good for those who love Him. So if we attempt something with selfishness in our hearts but want His will (no matter what we think it is), he is a prayer away to reorder and bring good to something that could've been disasterous. Praise God that He is merciful and saves us from ourselves. Let us know that He is faithful even in our selfishness.
10. nicole said the following at 1:51 PM on Apr 2:
Oh and I think the boundless staff is doing a terrific job at helping us to do our part in "preparing the way" for the Lord to work in our lives. I don't believe that we are meant to stand around until God tells us to move. I believe we are called to walk one step after the other in trust that God will guide us by opening or closing doors. By having a script, it is a way to make one step after the other. By not having one, we are directionless, neither going here nor there. That seems to be a disordered and chaotic way to live. Chaos is what Satan wants. By having a script we are choosing order. God may change the outcome or direction but at least we're moving in a direction!!! I don't think I've ever heard of anyone saying "I don't want some plan for my life, I don't want a direction. I want to feel like I haven't chosen a particular path." I think most any human's question is "what am I meant to do, what is the meaning of my life, why am I here?". These questions all seem to beg for direction.