Re-elevating a Father's Role
by Candice Watters on 03/13/2007 at 1:53 PM
It seems whenever we talk about biblical dating, one of the most common complaints is that most young women simply don't have the necessary involvement of their dads. It always strikes me how emphatically women make this point: It's unrealistic. It's not an option!
I think their strong reaction against our suggestion that a dad's role is pivotal is not that they think we're wrong, but that their situation is unfair. Our position only deepens their ache for something they don't have.
That's why we suggest that for the women whose dads aren't involved because they're too far away, not involved in their lives, not believers or simply not interested, it's desirable to ask a surrogate to fill that role. Whether your pastor, professor, mentor, uncle or another godly man, the point is to have the protection that comes from a spiritual head in this all-important, high-stakes decision about a mate.
Not only are believers aware of this vacuum, it seems now that the world is noticing, too.
This past November, two friends of Boundless, Randy and Lisa Wilson, hosted their eighth annual "Purity Ball" at The Broadmoor Hotel in Colorado Springs. They created the ball in 1998 primarily for their own daughters. They have five. But the idea caught on. Hundreds of fathers and daughters have attended events like this one since its inception, and similar events are being replicated across the country. Still, it takes a lot of work and energy to put together a large formal event, and the Wilsons were starting to wonder if maybe this ball would be their last.
Then something happened. The ball, described in the Wilson's press release as "a formal dinner-dance featuring ballet performance and a covenant signing ceremony where fathers pledge to be models of purity, integrity, and the protectors of their daughters," caught the attention of the national media.
First it was Glamour magazine. Then Oprah sent a reporter to cover the story for O magazine. And now local and national news outlets are reporting on the "Purity Ball movement," including ABC World News Tonight, NBC’s Today show, Fox News and the Dr. Phil show.
Most notably, these balls are not about abstinence and virginity pledges. They're about fathers promising to be pure themselves, the necessary first step for protecting their daughters. According to Ball founder Randy Wilson, “Fatherhood is the defining issue in our culture today. No one can underestimate a father’s powerful influence on his daughter’s life. The Father-Daughter Purity Ball calls fathers to love, lead and empower their daughters to make healthy choices.”
“There is no place in our culture that celebrates the relationship of a father and daughter,” said Ball co-founder Lisa Wilson. “We created an extravagantly beautiful celebration to affirm a father’s place of protection and authority and a daughter’s incredible worth and dignity.”
More involved fathers. Few things could so radically improve the nature of relationships and marriage in our culture.
1. John said the following at 3:15 PM on Mar 13:
This has a creepy, New Age feel to it. It doesn't mention the Name of Jesus anywhere that I can see. If it were a real Christian event, Oprah would have nothing to do with it.
2. Blair said the following at 5:54 PM on Mar 13:
John, where in the world do you see anything new age about a fathers making a commitment to their daughters to live a pure life and to do what they can to protect them? Just becuase Oprah mentions something does not make it evil. I think that a purity ball is a great idea. I do not have a Christian father looking out for me and I know that he watches porn. I can not begin to tell you how that has damaged our relationship, I love my father but have some major trust issues with him. I share this becuase I think it is important to realize that a parents personall commitment to purity will effect their children. I applaud the fathers who have taken part in these events and hope and pray that my future huspand will make the same commitment to our family, I know I will.
3. April A. LaLande said the following at 6:05 PM on Mar 13:
My dad is very involved in my life. He is full of integrity and is the spiritual leader of our family. He's a faithful provider who has turned down promotions that would have meant a lot more money - but less time for family. Dad has a somewhat serious nature and he's even pessimistic at times, but he has a sense of humor and an adventurous streak that more than make up for it.
I am continually amazed at his godly character and love for God. Dad hasn't always been a Christian, you see. Yet his growth in the knowledge of Christ and his willingness to let God change his heart (and a good many opinions) have been a great influence in my life. He seems to me to be one of the best role models my five brothers could have and I praise God for bringing our family together!
Reading about the Purity Ball as a twenty-something who, though she loves her father dearly, doesn't have an "extravagantly beautiful" relationship with him made me feel a bit too old and not quite sentimental enough to appreciate the concept! But for girls who have really missed out on their father's love and care and commitment during their early years, the renewed relationship and promises this special ball features sound like a very good idea.
For myself, however, I don't need a fancy gown and a romantic evening with Dad to know how much I am valued in his eyes. Celebrations are exciting and special, but it is the ever present commitment to God and family in daily life, year after year, that ultimately prove a father's love, leadership, and authority.
4. Elena said the following at 6:08 PM on Mar 13:
John: Your comment assumes that...
* Oprah would never be attracted to anything overtly Christ-centered. Do you know this? How do you know this?
* a truly Christ-honoring, Christ-centered thing must be overtly evangelistic.
* an event whose primary purpose is not sharing the gospel is not "Christian," even though it is planned and hosted by Christians and is for a good purpose.
* there is a particular meaning of the word Christian. What is your definition of the term?
Perhaps the Wilsons (and whoever else might have put together the Web site) didn't realize that on the Web site Jesus' name ought to be specifically mentioned. Seems that their primary target audience is Christians and that this isn't for the purpose of evangelizing. If you are a Christian, you can tell that they are—they mention Scriptures, cite Net Testament verses, and mention the Holy Spirit. I read between the lines and figured it out. I think they just need to add a statement of faith to their site, especially after they've garnered so much media attention.
Candice: Good points, good points! Hmm... how to choose a father-figure as a mentor about relationships? And how to cultivate that mentor-mentee relationship? Sounds like another article topic!
5. P&P said the following at 6:32 PM on Mar 13:
I think these things are horrible and creepy.
It should be about the whole family, not just the father. I also want to see young men taking their mothers to these things as well.
I'm sick of "purity" being the responsibility of women. Perhaps if these fathers and mothers were better about educating their sons and teaching them about respecting women, there wouldn't be a cultural need to have a young woman's sexuality so tightly controlled by her father.
6. Anna said the following at 7:06 PM on Mar 13:
I agree with John and P&P (and I am speaking as a young woman with an excellent relationship with her wonderful dad).
Also, I didn't see Oprah's take, but I read the Glamour article and they came down firmly on the "this is creepy" side.
7. Emma said the following at 8:14 PM on Mar 13:
P&P, your comment about this being "horrible and creepy" bothers me. You ask for something like this to be for the guys but completely reject the same idea for girls. Maybe the idea needs to be expanded but not abolished for being "creepy". Anyway, I have attended two of these Father/Daughter Purity Ball's at my church. I think it's a beatiful idea and reminds me how important my dad is. This year, my cousin asked my father to take her to this dance and there is nothing that matches the beauty of that. The fact that, when her father was absent, she could ask my dad to take that place of responsibility in her life was beautiful. God says he will place the lonely in families and I learned that from this dance. Not to "horrible" or "creepy" huh?
8. Becky F. said the following at 9:09 PM on Mar 13:
"I'm sick of "purity" being the responsibility of women. Perhaps if these fathers and mothers were better about educating their sons and teaching them about respecting women, there wouldn't be a cultural need to have a young woman's sexuality so tightly controlled by her father."
I can somewhat agree with what you're saying here. Since women were designed to follow a man's leadership, shouldn't it be more important to have fathers looking out for their sons and teaching them Godly sexuality? My brothers are teenagers and I tell them that they need to be the ones making and enforcing physical boundaries in a relationship, because unless the girl is extremely strong-willed, she will follow along with what he is doing.
We Christian women don't like men to be pushovers, we might get mad at first if a guy says "wait, we need to stop here because we're about to cross a line we shouldn't", but we will be very thankful that he did and respect him even more.
9. Chris Krycho said the following at 9:37 PM on Mar 13:
I guess I'm at a loss as to how this could possibly be "creepy." Nor does it in any way suggest "New Age" to me. Could you all explain where you get this perspective? To the contrary, I like the idea, though I appreciate April's comment that it's the day-to-day commitment to Christlikeness that really makes a dad good or not.
P&P -- I'm also curious as to where you get the idea that people think that purity is the woman's responsibility, be it from Boundless or this dance. In the latter case, it is very much to the contrary: the responsibility is the man's, and his attitude toward his daughter is one of guarding her first and foremost by setting an example with his own purity. The emphasis is on him, not her. And in Boundless, the team is generally very balanced -- if they ever stray one way or the other, it's toward blaming guys for the purity issues when it really goes both ways. I truly hope there is no condemnation being communicated to you on this issue!
I know that my father and sisters attended a "Daddy-Daughter dance" slightly different than this, but a wonderful opportunity for them to spend time together and for him to model the honor and respect they should be looking for in the guys they will eventually be dating and then marrying. It was a wonderful blessing -- for all of them.
Anna: I would note that Glamour is perhaps not the best source for evaluating a Christian purity event, given their perspectives on sexuality in general (ie, very not in line with a Christian worldview on the matter).
10. KC said the following at 10:34 PM on Mar 13:
I really like this idea of having a father-daughter event like this, but it really makes me question what young women like myself should do when their fathers are not protecters at all. For me personally there is not a single adult male in my family who is a model of a Christian father or man. I imagine most women would not feel comfortable asking a man in their church for this guidance. Asking the pastor of a church with over 2000 members also seems unrealistic. While I am involved with my church, I do not really have much contact with older men to initiate such a relationship. So for some of us it is really frustrating to hear about how important these father-daughter relatinships are in a dating relationship when there really is not a way to have one if your earthly father does not act like one.
11. Ted Slater said the following at 10:34 PM on Mar 13:
Anna and P&P -- keep in mind that Glamour intentionally set about to demonize this event, primarily because it is Christian. It's my understanding, for example, that the editor is a practicing lesbian, and bent on misrepresenting Christians.
12. Heather said the following at 11:33 PM on Mar 13:
I have to side with the commenters who find this event less than impressive. Chris Krycho, I don't see how you can say that the emphasis at these balls is on the father. Dressing up and going to a ball is all about girls living out a fairytale princess fantasy (and there is enough of that in our culture already). I agree with April that these virtues will come through in daily life if they are genuine.
Also, if the main point really is to emphasize the father's commitment to purity, which I don't think it is, then why isn't the event something like a sporting event, where fathers take their daughters AND sons? After all, the Christian men these girls hope to marry some day certainly need lots of guidance to get there, and judging from the ratio of men to women in the church, I'd say our emphasis would be better placed on the boys.
Candice does have a point, though, about the lack of Christian fathers to share their wisdom with their children (both sons and daughters) about marriage is a very serious problem. However, I don't see that it is all that easy to find a substitute male "mentor" to solve this problem. I do not live near my dad and cannot talk to him about dating issues, but I am also not comfortable with going to a middle-aged man in my church and asking him to get involved in such a personal area of my life. I do have Christian friends to rely on, but I prefer to go to God the Father when I can't talk to my earthly dad, not someone else's dad.
13. Philippa said the following at 5:20 AM on Mar 14:
I echo the unease of some of the commentators here, although the intentions of the founders of these balls seem honourable.
There's something downright weird about the concept of a teenage girl having a romantic evening with her father. As a British teenager brought up in a Christian home, I would have found the whole concept of attending a Purity Ball with my father (who I love dearly) horrendously embarrassing. (Ballgowns?? A dinner date with my dad?? Are you having a laugh??)
And it does beg the question: where are the Purity Balls for mothers and sons? ;)
Daughters should be able to talk to their mothers about their sexuality. Sons should be able to do the same with their fathers. And of course it's a great thing for a father to covenant for the integrity and purity (in every sense of the word) of his children. A godly and loving father can affirm his daughter's emerging womanhood simply by being ... well, a wise, open and loving father. And of course by having a great marriage with her mother!
I understand that these balls come out of a genuine desire to affirm godly fatherhood, but it's not something I would have found appropriate whilst I was growing up. And I had a great father.
14. Leah said the following at 7:01 AM on Mar 14:
P&P, I understand your opinion of the creepiness, but I don't think it's saying women are completely responsible for purity. I think it emphasises the father's role more than the daughter's.
Emma, I don't think anyone saying the concept of a father taking that position in his daughter's life is creepy. Just this particular form of expressing it might be. I'm not saying it is -- I just think that's what others are saying.
However, I do feel it's a little creepy... if my father suggested it I'd hesitate and think "What the?" But that's very probably because Dad hasn't played much role in my relationship with my boyfriend and I don't have a particularly intimate one-to-one relationship with my father. Like, in a group we can talk to each other easily, but it's more difficult if we're the only ones in the room (unless we have a specific topic.) Not to say Dad isn't invovled in my life- that's nowhere near the truth -- but he hasn't really been involved in this *part* of my life -- although I do know that if he saw something bad happening he'd step in.
I realise that with girls who have very close relationships with their fathers this could be completely normal.... I don't know if I fully support making a special event out of it though. *shrug* Just my opinion.
15. Craig said the following at 7:16 AM on Mar 14:
Sorry, but it's creepy. I saw the commercial for the story on this, and I cringed. They had 12, 13, 14 year old girls dancing with daddy at an event all about sexuality -- call me crazy, but sometimes I think conservative Christians eroticize the absence of sex in really strange ways. I'm a big fan of a certain level of willful ignorance when it comes to kids and their sexual awareness. Every teen should know where Dad stands, and be utterly terrified of ever being caught "necking" by him. But beyond that kids need some room to let their minds develop without the parents wanting to talk about "purity" all the time. Besides which, a father's sexual life -- or lack thereof -- ought REALLY to be utterly unknown to his children, and not the subject of public pronouncement. So yes, creepy. No offense.
16. Mandi said the following at 8:49 AM on Mar 14:
Hmmm ... this is interesting. If we're trying to teach purity to both father and daughter, why use a forum that might otherwise be objectionable? I mean, there are people out there that object to (slow) dancing between non-spouses because it can break down otherwise proper barriers between people because of the proximity, mood, etc. inherent in slow dancing. (Or as a liberal friend of mine even admitted once, "Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire". Kind of crude, but perhaps there's some truth to that?) If it may be objectionable for our teens to slow dance with fellow hormonally excited teens, why send mixed messages about the activity?
I largely agree with Craig re: a father's sexual life, especially if there has been past sin. Children learn by watching adults and if they see their dads living chastely every day of their lives, that's how they'll set their standards about chastity. It would be inadvisable for kids to know about their father's past sexual sins, even if the father has repented and confessed of them, because they may not fully appreciate the hard path back from heartbreak, etc. he might have had to take because of those sins...and then proceed to dabble in those sins themselves.
There IS a need to develop stronger father-daughter (and father-son) bonds in society, but I don't think this is the way to do it. Regard for the place of fatherhood in general is sorely lacking in our society (and gay "marriage", which will just make having a mom and dad a mere option on the menu will do nothing to restore the unique and essential place of fatherhood). The data collected over the past few decades has consistently shown that dads in the home affect everything from chastity standards to teen pregnancy rates to the liklihood of finishing high school and going to college (which has a lot to do with fighting poverty!).
But may our Heavenly Father provide for those whose fathers or mothers have forsaken them, as He promised (Psalm 27:10). Whether that provision takes the form of a godly uncle, mentor, pastor, whatever, God will be faithful and not forsake the fatherless.
17. P&P said the following at 9:10 AM on Mar 14:
I tried to post a response earlier, however it was apparently rejected.
First off, in defense of Glamour (I used to work in religious publishing, btw), they do try to put in balanced reporting. I don't believe they are anti-Christian, however they do need to look at both the positive and negative aspects of any event. The author of the article did see good intentions, however the basis of it is still about a young girl's sexuality and sexual maturation and how they are expected to sign a purity pledge.
I don't agree with the idea of a father or husband controlling a woman -- it's one thing to honor thy father, another to allow him to control your life well into your 20's.
Boundless seems to emphasize the idea of striking out on your own in your 20's rather than remaining at home, so why should a woman remain submissive to her father if she's supporting herself? Or are only men supposed to strike out on their own and women remain at home until their father permits them to leave?
The reality is most women and men do leave home at 18 for college, mission work or the military. I feel that rather than expecting a woman to pledge herself to her father to remain pure, a woman should be given an upbringing to make her own decisions.
18. Ted Slater said the following at 1:01 PM on Mar 14:
P&P -- the Glamour article was a vulgar hit piece from the beginning. They don't even get the simple facts right! They indicate that the girls sign a pledge, but the truth is that the fathers sign the pledge. The article is full of such lies.
Perhaps they couldn't get enough dirt on the Purity Ball that they had to misrepresent it in order to taint it.
Your opinion about the Ball is based on intentional misinformation, P&P. Perhaps you should visit the Purity Ball website in order to better understand what it truly is.
19. P&P said the following at 3:11 PM on Mar 14:
One person's hit piece is another person's "fair and balanced" reporting.
I read both the web site as well as the article. In fact a simple Google search will bring up several pages referencing "purity balls," with a host of views.
You are correct, the girls do not sign their own pledge, however they do sign as "witnesses" for their fathers. They also "silently" profess their purity by laying a white rose at a cross. That sounds like a signature to me.
Also, I would like to see the information on how a purity ball is organized. The article quotes it directly and if it's true, it's not creepy, it's downright disturbing.
What I saw was someone from outside the conservative Christian community who was trying to report a story on a cultural phenomenon within the conservative Christian community. Yes, Glamour has a feminist bent however the author did admit that there were some lovely moments in it as well.
Also, if you didn't want people to read such a "hit piece" why mention it in the original post?
20. William said the following at 3:26 PM on Mar 14:
Getting facts wrong is not the same as lying. It's very easy to always turn to "the liberal media is out to get us" whenever we don't like what they have to say. It may be true at times, but it's almost always not the case.
21. xeres said the following at 5:09 PM on Mar 14:
Am I missing something but how is this purity ball thing romantic in what way? Romance and eros have nothing to do with it. It's much more of an elaborated ritual of some pledge for purity. The only objecttion to this is that it's too elaborated and it didn't include pledges between mothers and son as well. When I come to think of it, a lot of cultures have elaborate coming of age parties for girls like sweet sixteen, Debut, quinecina and so forth. There hardly a lot of coming of age traditions for guys in terms of parties and dance balls
22. CJ said the following at 12:48 PM on Mar 25:
Well it is so interesting to see how people see this event and whether or not it has its basis on godly principles.
First of all let me speak to all the people who think this is just about the purity of women. This is not about a young ladies and THEIR purity and it is not just about the event. This is a symbol of the dedication that the father should have OVER the purity of his daughter. This is a biblical directive and ordinance in the bible. It is the father's God given commanded and role to protect his daughter and then pass that protection on to her husband. The event itself is like baptism, it just serves as a public declaration of the intent of the heart of the father.
It is because of this reason that the rest of the family is "excluded." I use this term very loosely because the father should teach sexual purity to both his sons and daughters. But the instruction must be different (something about guys and girls being different). This is why the father takes the daughter away and instructs her in the ways of purity so she will not depart from it (paraphrase of Pro 22:6)
Thus far I have picked on no entry directly but now I am going to address one. If it is fear of your father catching you "necking" you have forsaken your Father in heaven. For only a fool would be fearful of getting caught by a man (their father) and not of God. Furthermore you must think that God is not always present if you can "neck" without felling guilty of Him catching you. Come on GROW UP! He always sees you. The fear than keeps me walking on God's path is a fear of Him. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (humm where have I heard that before).
Ahh wisdom here is another point I think should be addressed. In no way should anyone be ignorant of the fact that sex exists in the world. On the contrary we should know that it is out there and that it is always present when we step out the door. However, it is essential that the children are taught not to partake AT ALL! Both sons and daughter but we are not talking about the sons here we are talking about the relationship of the daughter and father. The daughters should be taught about the world so they can go into the world and not become part of it (paraphrase I Jn 1:15-17). And in no regards is impurity ever accepted by God. It is just another on the grand list of sins not to commit that his word sets forth.
In a small summary the purity ball is like baptism and just serves as a public declaration of a heartfelt intent. It is still up to the father to bring this intent home every day to his daughter. In no way does the ball mean the father is not instructing his son in the ways of purity it just means he instructs his daughter differently. He should protect her until her until she is given to her husband and thus her protection is also given. She should be taught that the world houses sex very readily and that the world says sex is ok. She should also be taught how to abstain from the worlds view of sex.
To the editors:
You may have picked up on my sarcasm and, to a point, my annoyance with this topic. If you feel this means you shouldn’t post it please consider Elijah. In I Kings 18 we read of how he too is sarcastic and annoyed all I ask is that you compare what I have said to the word. If it does not meet up with the Word reject it, but please do not reject this post because it may step on a few toes.
23. Sissy said the following at 12:40 AM on Jul 18:
I think this is a great idea. Of course the idea of a father-daughter dance may not appeal to everyone, and some may be kind of creeped out by it, but does that mean we should call the whole thing off altogether? It would be impossible to create an event that would please _everyone_. Those who are uncomfortable dancing with their father (or daughter) don't have to go. However, I think it is commendable that the Purity Ball folks are at least providing something that will reach out to some families. I think our culture does need to wake up and realize the importance of a father's role in a daughter's life.
Secondly, just because there is this event for dads and daughters doesn't mean that mothers and sons are ignored. Yes, I think activities should be provided for moms/sons/the whole family, but it is also nice for a girl to have time with her dad occasionally.
To KC: My parents split up when I was 9, so I spent all of my teenage years without a father. I had a stepfather, but we did not get along well. I understand how difficult it is to grow up without a good fatherly role model. The best advice I can offer is to use this time to strengthen your relationship with God. When I felt that I needed my daddy, I spent time talking to God and that really helped me grow - and when you are upset, God has the best "daddy's arms" of all! Of course, it can still be very difficult not having a physical person there to be a daddy.
Do you have friends who are older Christian men? If so, perhaps they can at least help you out with practical things (financial advice, changing tires, or whatever). Or you might try turning to an uncle, grandfather, older brother, etc. Also, even if it is too awkward to ask these men for advice directly, you can certainly learn from them by observing their lives, and their relationships with their own daughters.
Finally, if it is at all possible, make maintaining and strengthening your relationship with your dad a priority. He may not be a good role model now, but one day he may see the light, and your influence as a light of Christ is extremely important. Also, I can say from experience that having at least some relationship with my dad, even if it isn't a terribly close one, is far better than no relationship at all.