Dealing with Sexual Confusion by Motte Brown on 03/27/2007 at 1:26 PM

As a prepubescent youth, when I first learned the meaning of homosexuality from friends at school, I remember immediately questioning every emotion I had for my male friends when I was around them. It was the first of several sexual identity crises I experienced in my young life. To be sure, my own growing attraction to girls provided great relief but it didn't eliminate the questions altogether.

All this from simply learning that some men have sex with other men. And though I believe it was more of a depersonalization problem -- a fear that one can't control his own actions -- than a real struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA), it left an indelible impression. It's probably why I'm so interested in the "why" of men who struggle with SSA, because there's usually a story, some life altering experience(s) or unusual family dynamic or something -- notwithstanding the current debate raging about a gay gene.

Last month, First Things ran an article about a faithful Christian's struggle with same-sex attraction. The author tells the story of "Chris," a young man who feels isolated in his battle to stay chaste in a college environment hostile to the idea of denying one's "true self."

His roommates and friends wouldn't know how to take it. Others on campus would encourage him to embrace his true self: They'd label him a homosexual and call him gay. But he's not -- and neither does he want to be: Sexual attraction, he thinks, doesn't define a person. Indeed, he particularly fears coming out about his attractions while struggling against them, which would get him labeled a repressed homosexual, the gay-basher who himself is queer, the gay kid who thinks it's just some disorder. All he wants is to live chastely and try to make progress in addressing the causes of his same-sex attractions. But at the modern American university, this is anathema. For all their celebrations of diversity and pledges of tolerance, this choice is not to be celebrated or even tolerated.

It may not be exactly the same, but this reminds me of the campus response to Harvard's abstinence group, True Love Revolution. People love sex in all its deviations from God's plan. And they want you to join them, lest they feel condemned by your refusal.

Dealing with Sexual Confusion by Motte Brown on 03/27/2007 at 1:26 PM

As a prepubescent youth, when I first learned the meaning of homosexuality from friends at school, I remember immediately questioning every emotion I had for my male friends when I was around them. It was the first of several sexual identity crises I experienced in my young life. To be sure, my own growing attraction to girls provided great relief but it didn't eliminate the questions altogether.

All this from simply learning that some men have sex with other men. And though I believe it was more of a depersonalization problem -- a fear that one can't control his own actions -- than a real struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA), it left an indelible impression. It's probably why I'm so interested in the "why" of men who struggle with SSA, because there's usually a story, some life altering experience(s) or unusual family dynamic or something -- notwithstanding the current debate raging about a gay gene.

Last month, First Things ran an article about a faithful Christian's struggle with same-sex attraction. The author tells the story of "Chris," a young man who feels isolated in his battle to stay chaste in a college environment hostile to the idea of denying one's "true self."

His roommates and friends wouldn't know how to take it. Others on campus would encourage him to embrace his true self: They'd label him a homosexual and call him gay. But he's not -- and neither does he want to be: Sexual attraction, he thinks, doesn't define a person. Indeed, he particularly fears coming out about his attractions while struggling against them, which would get him labeled a repressed homosexual, the gay-basher who himself is queer, the gay kid who thinks it's just some disorder. All he wants is to live chastely and try to make progress in addressing the causes of his same-sex attractions. But at the modern American university, this is anathema. For all their celebrations of diversity and pledges of tolerance, this choice is not to be celebrated or even tolerated.

It may not be exactly the same, but this reminds me of the campus response to Harvard's abstinence group, True Love Revolution. People love sex in all its deviations from God's plan. And they want you to join them, lest they feel condemned by your refusal.

Comments

[1. Becky F. said the following at 1:34 PM on Mar 27:]

1

It is interesting how learning about certain "wrong" behaviors makes them much more tempting to try. I can't think of any specifically that I mentally debated with myself over, but it does remind me of Adam and Eve. They lived perfectly happy lives in the Garden until Satan put an idea into their heads, they acted upon it, and then realized their nakedness was somehow not "right". That's why I think it is pretty important to somewhat shelter our children from the ways of the world until they need to learn about them as older children or early teens.

[2. Elena said the following at 1:41 PM on Mar 27:]

2

I'm with you, Motte. Why the need to "come out" about struggling with SSA? Chris, others who struggle with SSA, and anyone who has something very personal they want help with, need to share those "secrets" with only select people. There's no need to broadcast one's specific sins, weaknesses, and temptations. Are these lamentations more about not feeling comfortable sharing in a small-group Bible study (that kind of open sharing is what I'm thinking of)? (I don't think everything needs to be spewed out to one's small-groupmates.)

Ya know, I think perhaps the kitty-cat needs to be put back in the bag, so to speak. In some ways, it's good that people feel more comfortable to talk about sex in open conversation. Yet, something that really ought to be treated with more dignity, respect, care, and caution, isn't and shouldn't be conversational fare for every occasion.

Or am I off-base on this?

[3. BrooX said the following at 3:11 AM on Mar 29:]

3

I think you bring up a good point, Motte - how simply learning of or becoming aware that deviations exist can make a person anxiously wonder and question all kinds about themself and/or others - often completely without real need to.

I was once 'confronted' in a totally ambiguous way regarding some kind of physical behavior with some members of the opposite sex. - No kidding, that's pretty much how vague it was described to me! In the "interest of confidentiality" I wasn't even given a who or what action I might have done that was offensive. This sent me spiraling down a track of fear, wondering and questioning all my interactions that could even remotely be interpreted as physical. I wondered all kinds of things about boundaries and nearly worried myself crazy while I became totally passive in a physical sense for months. I even surveyed many women I knew to find out what they considered healthy, mere friendly physical interaction.

While all the questioning and anxiety was a really sucky experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, I did learn a couple important things:
1) many people tend to become much more concerned - often excessively - with boundaries as they grow older. Not that healthy boundaries aren't good, but their boundaries get less flexible and people freak out more as others approach them. It's as if peole become more judgemental and assuming of the worst as they get older. Younger people have a greater tendency to assume the best.
2) Amidst all the internal assuming and freaking out over an issue with someone, people have a great tend to talk and communicate with everyone EXCEPT the person they had an issue with.

I think it's very good to be talking about struggles - not to the point of bringing the focus to 'me, me, me' all the time, but we should at least be sure we're doing a good job of honoring the command to "confess your sins to one another so that you may be healed."

Promise Keepers has a great promo video that depicts a guys small group Bible study where the guys have been meeting together for a long time, maybe years, but they have no idea that each guy has a unique and very very serious sin struggle that is and has been consuming them for a long time. Whether it's marriage, pornography, financial debt, SSA, whatever, the stuff NEEDS to be let out of the bag. The white-washed show-Christian stuff is a bunch of crap!

Regarding the perception of homosexuality and Christianity, I think the vast majority of Christians do a big disservice to the mission of bringing Jesus' love and healing when we label a person as "a homosexual". Doing so attributes homosexuality as an innate characteristic of that person - like being black, or brunette, or Swedish. It's wrong to discriminate against one just because they are Swedish and likewise...

So, the issue is not that a person is "a homosexual" - because they aren't. Rather the issue is the PRACTICE of homosexuality. I recall a verse in Ecclesiastes struck me pretty blatantly regarding some sin I struggled with 8:8 "As no one is discharged in time of war, so wickedness will not release those who PRACTICE it.

I don't mean to be throwing pithy Bible verses at anyone's sin struggles. It's a cool one for me, though.

[4. Anonymous said the following at 7:05 AM on Mar 29:]

4

Interesting thoughts. I think I like what Elena has said about not broadcasting our sexual dillemas--no matter WHAT those may be.

Let's not forget (I often do!), a Christian person struggling against SSA because of his weak father and emotionally dominating mother is THE SAME as a Christian who struggles against rage because he had a drunken/abusive father and a beaten down, innocent mother. We all respond sinfully and/or battle sinful responses to our parents sin! That can take a sexual tone, or not. Homosexual lust and practice is not a "special sin" with "special causes" and "special solutions." I believe Homosexual practice is a fruit, not a root sin.

My heart breaks for believers who struggle with SSA --those who have been damaged by other's sin or by their own lust. Its entirely possible for a person to find themselves in SSA simply because of their own rejection of God. Romans 1 doesn't say "And their mothers were overbearing and their father's were absent: therefore they exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural..." It's something much more basic than that. Mom and Dad could be perfect parents, and a kid still find themselves with SSA, simply because of rejecting God. OR for a kid who is in the church, they've perhaps rejected something about the character of God and his purpose for sexuality. He may believe Jesus died for him, but hasn't matured in his understanding of God's intention for sex.

The church ought not be light on sin, but certainly free from condemning the genuine Christian battling sin. Let our compassion be sanctified, that we neither excuse sin when its a response to another's sin, nor condemn the sinner when they have been washed by the blood of Christ! Neither coddling, nor,"understanding," not even sympathy--but only Christ centered compassion leads to repentence and hope...I think. I could be wrong. :)

[1. Becky F. said the following at 1:34 PM on Mar 27:]

1

It is interesting how learning about certain "wrong" behaviors makes them much more tempting to try. I can't think of any specifically that I mentally debated with myself over, but it does remind me of Adam and Eve. They lived perfectly happy lives in the Garden until Satan put an idea into their heads, they acted upon it, and then realized their nakedness was somehow not "right". That's why I think it is pretty important to somewhat shelter our children from the ways of the world until they need to learn about them as older children or early teens.

[2. Elena said the following at 1:41 PM on Mar 27:]

2

I'm with you, Motte. Why the need to "come out" about struggling with SSA? Chris, others who struggle with SSA, and anyone who has something very personal they want help with, need to share those "secrets" with only select people. There's no need to broadcast one's specific sins, weaknesses, and temptations. Are these lamentations more about not feeling comfortable sharing in a small-group Bible study (that kind of open sharing is what I'm thinking of)? (I don't think everything needs to be spewed out to one's small-groupmates.)

Ya know, I think perhaps the kitty-cat needs to be put back in the bag, so to speak. In some ways, it's good that people feel more comfortable to talk about sex in open conversation. Yet, something that really ought to be treated with more dignity, respect, care, and caution, isn't and shouldn't be conversational fare for every occasion.

Or am I off-base on this?

[3. BrooX said the following at 3:11 AM on Mar 29:]

3

I think you bring up a good point, Motte - how simply learning of or becoming aware that deviations exist can make a person anxiously wonder and question all kinds about themself and/or others - often completely without real need to.

I was once 'confronted' in a totally ambiguous way regarding some kind of physical behavior with some members of the opposite sex. - No kidding, that's pretty much how vague it was described to me! In the "interest of confidentiality" I wasn't even given a who or what action I might have done that was offensive. This sent me spiraling down a track of fear, wondering and questioning all my interactions that could even remotely be interpreted as physical. I wondered all kinds of things about boundaries and nearly worried myself crazy while I became totally passive in a physical sense for months. I even surveyed many women I knew to find out what they considered healthy, mere friendly physical interaction.

While all the questioning and anxiety was a really sucky experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, I did learn a couple important things:
1) many people tend to become much more concerned - often excessively - with boundaries as they grow older. Not that healthy boundaries aren't good, but their boundaries get less flexible and people freak out more as others approach them. It's as if peole become more judgemental and assuming of the worst as they get older. Younger people have a greater tendency to assume the best.
2) Amidst all the internal assuming and freaking out over an issue with someone, people have a great tend to talk and communicate with everyone EXCEPT the person they had an issue with.

I think it's very good to be talking about struggles - not to the point of bringing the focus to 'me, me, me' all the time, but we should at least be sure we're doing a good job of honoring the command to "confess your sins to one another so that you may be healed."

Promise Keepers has a great promo video that depicts a guys small group Bible study where the guys have been meeting together for a long time, maybe years, but they have no idea that each guy has a unique and very very serious sin struggle that is and has been consuming them for a long time. Whether it's marriage, pornography, financial debt, SSA, whatever, the stuff NEEDS to be let out of the bag. The white-washed show-Christian stuff is a bunch of crap!

Regarding the perception of homosexuality and Christianity, I think the vast majority of Christians do a big disservice to the mission of bringing Jesus' love and healing when we label a person as "a homosexual". Doing so attributes homosexuality as an innate characteristic of that person - like being black, or brunette, or Swedish. It's wrong to discriminate against one just because they are Swedish and likewise...

So, the issue is not that a person is "a homosexual" - because they aren't. Rather the issue is the PRACTICE of homosexuality. I recall a verse in Ecclesiastes struck me pretty blatantly regarding some sin I struggled with 8:8 "As no one is discharged in time of war, so wickedness will not release those who PRACTICE it.

I don't mean to be throwing pithy Bible verses at anyone's sin struggles. It's a cool one for me, though.

[4. Anonymous said the following at 7:05 AM on Mar 29:]

4

Interesting thoughts. I think I like what Elena has said about not broadcasting our sexual dillemas--no matter WHAT those may be.

Let's not forget (I often do!), a Christian person struggling against SSA because of his weak father and emotionally dominating mother is THE SAME as a Christian who struggles against rage because he had a drunken/abusive father and a beaten down, innocent mother. We all respond sinfully and/or battle sinful responses to our parents sin! That can take a sexual tone, or not. Homosexual lust and practice is not a "special sin" with "special causes" and "special solutions." I believe Homosexual practice is a fruit, not a root sin.

My heart breaks for believers who struggle with SSA --those who have been damaged by other's sin or by their own lust. Its entirely possible for a person to find themselves in SSA simply because of their own rejection of God. Romans 1 doesn't say "And their mothers were overbearing and their father's were absent: therefore they exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural..." It's something much more basic than that. Mom and Dad could be perfect parents, and a kid still find themselves with SSA, simply because of rejecting God. OR for a kid who is in the church, they've perhaps rejected something about the character of God and his purpose for sexuality. He may believe Jesus died for him, but hasn't matured in his understanding of God's intention for sex.

The church ought not be light on sin, but certainly free from condemning the genuine Christian battling sin. Let our compassion be sanctified, that we neither excuse sin when its a response to another's sin, nor condemn the sinner when they have been washed by the blood of Christ! Neither coddling, nor,"understanding," not even sympathy--but only Christ centered compassion leads to repentence and hope...I think. I could be wrong. :)