Are "Family-Friendly" Churches on the Way Out?
by Steve Watters on 02/06/2007 at 2:03 PM
Oh well, so much for God's plan for families. An influential pastor from the Seattle area sees the trends away from marriage as a reason to overhaul the design of family-based churches. Writing in The Church Report, he says:
Is your church family-friendly? Does your church provide family programming? Does your church defend family values? If so, you may be guaranteeing yourself a perilous future.
He says this in light of the emerging stats about singleness that we've been discussing on Boundless recently. The pastor sees "numerous practical implications for churches" as a result of current trends. He ends by saying: "In conclusion, churches that want to reach the growing number of singles will have to examine everything from their promotions to staffing to programming or risk not reaching what has suddenly become the majority of Americans."
It's true that churches often scratch their heads about what to do with their growing single population. And, yes, many churches have been insensitive to the needs of their singles within their overarching programming, but why does this pastor give the impression that serving singles and families is mutually exclusive?
Saying that "a family-friendly church faces a perilous future" makes for a cutting edge "tip for being more seeker-sensitive than thou," but what are the practical ramifications? Should readers of The Church Report give up on the challenging work of "family programming" and helping families serve God in their marriages and parenting because of the stigma of being perceived as "family-friendly"? Do they need to refuse to defend all "family values" in order to stay attractive to singles?
More importantly, how should churches serve singles? In his bullets, the pastor talks about re-engineering services to address singles as the majority, empowering them for leadership and holding up single role models from the Bible. His last bullet, however, is probably where the greater need is. There, he says:
There needs to be clear, ongoing teaching about acceptable Christian dating and / or courtship in the church. Without this, singles will have many conflicts about what constitutes an acceptable Christian romantic relationship, including sexual boundaries.
Suzanne recently posted about the fact that most singles aren't planning to stay single. In fact, 86-percent of American singles want to be married someday (according to With This Ring … A National Survey on Marriage in America conducted by the National Fatherhood Initiative). That's consistent with historical Census Bureau estimates that close to 90 percent of Americans eventually marry and around 70 percent of marriages involve children.
What that means is that a majority of singles in churches are in a state of transition and they still need the support of the local church in marrying well. We should be careful about taking our ministry cues from The New York Times and other media outlets whose marriage articles too often focus disproportionately on homosexuals, jet set singles and divorcees with no interest in marriage.
Instead, churches should do the hard work of helping people build Godly families in the midst of discouraging family news. Instead of stigmatizing their thankless efforts on behalf of families as guarantees of a "perilous future" we should provide more encouragement for local churches to serve their current and future families and even on occasion have the courage to defend God's plan for the family in a public way. Yes, these efforts require discernment and innovation in a changing world, but they shouldn't be abandoned out of any sense of political correctness or consumer taste management tied to shifting population trends.
1. Jay said the following at 2:27 PM on Feb 6:
The mission of the church is NOT to build Godly families, but Godly people. Churches should focus on the people in their congregation (the people God has sent them, BTW, not people they've marketed to) and move from there. Of course this will involve dating & pre-marital instruction, but it shouldn't be a church's focus!
Helping families become closer to each other (through becoming closer to God) is good. However, the church does not worship "Family" but rather God.
Down with the family-based church!!
Up with the Christ-based church!!
2. Jessica said the following at 2:46 PM on Feb 6:
Once again, many of the arguments tend to pit two camps against each other ... either be single or have a family, either work or stay at home, either have money or be poor. The bottom line is that we are letting our earthly status affect our spiritual status. Singles and families need to work together, not fight each other. Singles need families for modeling Christ centered marital relationships, and families need singles to model healthy, balanced Christian adulthood. Churches are not supposed be unifying, not divisive. There is a fine balance between serving the needs of singles and family and obssessing over their perceived needs.
3. Captain Sensible said the following at 4:02 PM on Feb 6:
"Families need singles to model healthy, balanced Christian adulthood."
Hmm, yes, like in a fish needing a bicycle kind of way, perhaps?
4. Katie said the following at 7:19 PM on Feb 6:
In the article referenced, Pastor Mark Driscoll did not pit the married camp against the single camp. He was simply emphasizing that the American church is going to have to deal with the reality of a growing population of singles. Even if the NY Times stats are twisted - and, I think they are - there is no denying that singlehood in America is on the rise.
I agree with Jessica in that we Christians are on the same side. We are one in Christ Jesus. Let us focus on the goal that Jay esteems: being a Christ-centered church. We should not be either a family-centered church or a singles-centered church [which, by the way, Mark Driscoll was not advocating we become].
5. Leah said the following at 10:09 PM on Feb 6:
Jay, Christ encouraged families -- in fact God commanded us to go procreate. How would God feel to see you encouraging the church to ignore family's needs?
No-one said anything about the church being based on families, or worshipping families. It's simply a fact -- families are the building blocks of society, and God has commanded us to create families. Churches need to foster this growth. Churches need to foster families. Remember the whole "Children are our future" and "Today's children -- tomorrow's leaders"?
I'm not saying churches should be based on families. I'm simply saying they need to accommodate and nurture families, because that is God's design. This means providing kids ministry so that kids come to know God, and Jesus, and what he's done for us. It means providing youth ministry to keep very impressionable teenagers from looking to other things for fulfilment.
I realise this isn't viable in ALL churches -- say, churches in areas that are predominantly retirees or college students, or a church on a mine site! But these should be the exception rather than the rule.
I also agree with Captain Sensible. "Families need singles to model healthy, balanced Christian adulthood." What the?! Since when did singles become pin-ups for a healthy Christian lifestyle? I think you'll find just as many, if not more, healthy balanced Christians who are married than not. Singles are not role models for married couples or families (singles may be role models for particular individuals within a marriage or family, but not the couple or family as a whole). Singles are role models for singles. In some cases (ie. a single who is pursuing marriage), married couples may even be role models for singles.
I am not pitting singles against families. I'm single, living at home with my family, but hoping to get married within the next 18 months and start a family a few years down the track. I am however saying that while it is an error on the church's behalf to neglect singles, it is a bigger error to neglect families as families are God's design for procreation -- and consequently, the operation of society.
6. lzimm said the following at 10:43 AM on Feb 7:
The first 8 chapters in Acts are hugely focused on unity in the body. So, as Jay posted, we should be all about Christ in the Church, all being united in that same way. And yet, we live in a World where there is a HUGE breakdown in the family, so we have a need there. Single believers also have specific needs. Churchs, bodies of believers, should be in the business of meeting each others needs, through Christ's sufficiency...
As a single, I hope that my body of believers continues to be strong in meeting the needs of families, I hope to someday be there! Also as a single, I hope that my needs will be met. Maybe my focus should be a little more on how I can meet the needs of the believers around me, rather than how they can meet mine...?
7. Jess said the following at 10:56 AM on Feb 7:
Once again, posters are COMPLETELY MISSING MY MAIN POINT!
Captain Sensible and Leah:
I said that singles and families need each other and churches shouldn't have the perspective of ignoring the needs of one or the other; as I was attempting to explain how singles and families need each other, you completely missed what I was trying to communicate. Churches should be focused on the needs of people from ALL WALKS OF LIFE, NOT JUST ONE! A church shouldn't ignore the needs of singles and focus solely on the needs of the family, or vice versa. I agree with Leah that singles can be role models for family members. But what disturbs me is that too many believers take a look at a person's "status" in life and assume that they can't learn anything from them because of it. If that's the case, then married couples and families should have very well ignored Paul's teachings since he was a single man.
Which brings me to several questions I have about this original post:
Does Boundless and FOF glorify marriage and family over singleness?
Is there something wrong with me for not thinking about getting married and having a family every moment I get? Am I wrong for wanting to find my purpose, identity, meaning, and validation through my relationship with God and not because I'm married and have children?
I just don't want to become someone that defines their worth and identity from what others are telling them to be instead of what God is telling them to be. Just because God one person is married does not mean that everyone is supposed to be married with kids.