Severing the Emotional Tie

I would like to respond to Dan's comment on Denise's post, "Really Good Friends?" He writes:

I meant to ask this when the "Not Your Buddy" article came out, but how does this article apply when either the pair has previously dated or the guy has approached the lady about being more than just friends (without success). Much of that article (rightly) deals with guys misleading, perhaps unintentionally, the women they are hanging out with. But if I do ask someone and get turned down, then I don't really see how I can be blamed for leading her on and then failing to commit.

First, I would like to say that after "Not Your Buddy" was published, I received many e-mails from guys, pointing out that women are not blameless in this trend; sometimes it is the woman who leads on the guy. This reminded me of my own experiences from several years ago.

I had a very close male friend throughout high school and college. Several times he made it clear that he was romantically interested in me, but I reminded him that I had kissed dating goodbye. I also felt there were some substantial reasons (including theological differences) why I would never marry this person. Still, I deeply respected him and enjoyed his company.

During my senior year of college, he taught English in Japan. During that time we e-mailed constantly. He was going through a lonely season, and I enjoyed the conversation and attention of my longtime friend. When he returned from Japan, he laid his cards on the table and told me he wished to pursue me for marriage. I prayed about it for a week and sought counsel, and I felt completely sure this was not God's will. I told my friend this, and he accepted my answer graciously.

A short time later, I moved to Colorado. After striking out on my own, I was now the one who was lonely. I began to depend on my friend's e-mails, which had become less frequent since he was no longer pursuing me. At one point, I angrily accused him of not being a good friend in my hour of need. He gently pointed out that because he could not pursue me, our friendship needed to change. The Lord convicted me through that experience. I was expecting something out of that guy that I had chosen to reject. From "Not Your Buddy":

Dr. Reeve writes: "One party can selfishly enjoy all the benefits of a relationship, the warmth and relief from loneliness, the satisfaction of the attention that feeds the ego — all without the accompanying commitment. One party luxuriates, while the other party feels cheated and is left with deep unsatisfied longings."

Women, if you turn down a man's offer to pursue you, honor him by severing the emotional tie. Luxuriating in his "friendship" does you both a disservice.

Comments

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1. Dr. Ransom said the following at 1:52 PM on Jan 18:

Suzanne,

As one of those many guys who wrote emails accusing the ladies too, let me reiterate my appreciation for the "Not Your Buddy" column and the very original -- and oft-ignored -- subject matter you addressed.

That very odd stigma exists out there that indicates it's Wrong to sever friendship ties with someone you've known -- or even go further and break off acquaintanceship.

However, I see neither Biblical nor common-sense basis for the stigma.

We are human beings and it is not heroic, or honest, or "noble" as John Thomas wrote on Monday, to continue being friends or even acquaintances with a Certain Someone of the Opposite Gender as if no More Than Just Friends attraction ever existed.

2. Charles said the following at 4:05 PM on Jan 18:

As a Canadian studying abroad, I enjoy Boundless very much. I had the same epiphany as Suzanne (except on the other end) when a similar situation arose. Providentially, I had just read the book "Marriable" and the chapter entitled "Why Being Just Friends Is a Waste of Time". It really broke down what you are saying here that that situation is taking advantage of another person's secret hope (or allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.)

It was a hard paradigm shift, but one I'm healthier for. Plus, I now have more guy friends than I used to.

Cheers,

Charles

3. Amy Jane said the following at 10:42 PM on Jan 18:

I was one of those girls that "took advantage" of having a guy pursuing me -- someone I knew was interested in me, but I wasn't reciprocating. I didn't think I was being nasty or selfish. I was just scared of what it might turn into.

For years I had prayed (whenever I rarely felt attracted to someone) that God would remove the feelings if this wasn't supposed to go anywhere. I didn't want to waste my heart, since I knew where I was vulnerable.

Then came this guy that I didn't stop feeling attracted to, and I couldn't tell if it was my "deceitful heart" or God allowing me to know love.

I kept trying (half-heartedly) to keep him at arm's length, and finally told him (in rehearsed words) that I wasn't currently interested in any romantic entanglements. He responded, "Maybe I can change your mind?"

I laughed -- this feeling of actually being pursued was somewhat intoxicating -- and said (Without thinking!), "Well, you're welcome to try."

Well, he did try, and was very patient with me (it is a *long* story) and we are now married. I don’t know if I ever could have dated (or “courted”), but God brought us together anyway, through being friends.