Parents Recommending Marrying Later by Steve Watters on 01/15/2007 at 3:03 PM

The second question in today's Boundless Answers is from a reader whose dad thinks he should wait until his late twenties to get married.

I'm hearing more and more about parents making this kind of recommendation. Some, like the one in this question, married later in life and see their path as one worth following. Others married early and realized later that if they had waited they could have started with more money and more maturity.

The difficult thing about this hypothesis is that while more money and maturity can make for a better marriage, marriage is often the reason that men mature and make more money. It's one of those chicken or the egg things.

It's true that people who marry before 22 are statistically at a greater risk of divorce, but every year you delay marriage doesn't continuously lower your risk. In fact, Dr. Norval Glenn, a researcher at the University of Texas, found that people who marry after 27 tend to have a drop in marital satisfaction similar to those who marry before 22 (making marriage between 23 and 27 something of a sweetspot).

On behalf of the National Fatherhood Initiative, Dr. Glenn presented his research in "With This Ring ... A National Survey on Marriage in America." In that report, he writes:

Living alone for many years may tend to make persons "set in their ways" and thus impede their adjustment to marriage, or having a succession of low-commitment relationships, with or without cohabitation, may make it harder for persons to commit to marriage. Marrying later than most of one's age mates gives a person a more limited selection of potential spouses to choose from and may lessen the chances of a good marital match.

I don't make this observation to discourage people who are already over 27, but to encourage people who already have good options for marriage in their early twenties not to wait for an arbitrary later age.

As a closing note, I still remember a dinner I had with Dr. Al Mohler in which he pointed out that while the first few years for a couple who marries young can be tight financially and entail a lot of growing up quickly, they are also the years many couples look back on with the greatest fondness. While many would prefer to put off marriage until they've grown up and found themselves, Mohler sees much value in the path in which couples grow up and find themselves ... together.

Parents Recommending Marrying Later by Steve Watters on 01/15/2007 at 3:03 PM

The second question in today's Boundless Answers is from a reader whose dad thinks he should wait until his late twenties to get married.

I'm hearing more and more about parents making this kind of recommendation. Some, like the one in this question, married later in life and see their path as one worth following. Others married early and realized later that if they had waited they could have started with more money and more maturity.

The difficult thing about this hypothesis is that while more money and maturity can make for a better marriage, marriage is often the reason that men mature and make more money. It's one of those chicken or the egg things.

It's true that people who marry before 22 are statistically at a greater risk of divorce, but every year you delay marriage doesn't continuously lower your risk. In fact, Dr. Norval Glenn, a researcher at the University of Texas, found that people who marry after 27 tend to have a drop in marital satisfaction similar to those who marry before 22 (making marriage between 23 and 27 something of a sweetspot).

On behalf of the National Fatherhood Initiative, Dr. Glenn presented his research in "With This Ring ... A National Survey on Marriage in America." In that report, he writes:

Living alone for many years may tend to make persons "set in their ways" and thus impede their adjustment to marriage, or having a succession of low-commitment relationships, with or without cohabitation, may make it harder for persons to commit to marriage. Marrying later than most of one's age mates gives a person a more limited selection of potential spouses to choose from and may lessen the chances of a good marital match.

I don't make this observation to discourage people who are already over 27, but to encourage people who already have good options for marriage in their early twenties not to wait for an arbitrary later age.

As a closing note, I still remember a dinner I had with Dr. Al Mohler in which he pointed out that while the first few years for a couple who marries young can be tight financially and entail a lot of growing up quickly, they are also the years many couples look back on with the greatest fondness. While many would prefer to put off marriage until they've grown up and found themselves, Mohler sees much value in the path in which couples grow up and find themselves ... together.

Comments

[1. debbie maken said the following at 4:37 PM on Jan 15:]

1

I agree with Dr. Mohler's assessment. Long ago when I was still single, one wise married lady told me that those early-marriage tight financial years were what she called the "years of dreaming together," and something that set a good foundation for goals she and her husband had set to achieve through their marriage.

The thing about coming into a marriage more materially wealthy is that it pretty much gets destroyed by little ones -- one too many Kool-aid stains on the persian, spit up on the sofa cushions, ... I remember as a single gal, I bought an off-white sofa, and a good friend remarked, "you're not planning on having kids anytime soon are you?" I never thought about my personal material choices being a reflection of my family life views, but I think my friend saw something I didn't back then -- that we should make decisions while we are single that show our priorities, and our hopes.

Debbie Maken

[2. ag said the following at 8:43 PM on Jan 15:]

2

I waited until I was 30, and have not regretted it for one second. My husband was mature before we said I do. What happens if a couple marries young, and marriage does not actually mature the people involved?? You just have 2 immature people, living together, probably having babies and failing miserably at building their family. Sometimes, intentionally putting yourself in a difficult position is not Godly, it is just a bad decision. In other cases, it may be misguided self-rightousness disguised as sacrifice.

[3. Brooke said the following at 10:50 PM on Jan 15:]

3

Maybe it just takes some of longer than others to find our spouses. I met my husband when I was 23 and he was 28, and we got married two years later. And we continue to have a lot more growing to do...

[4. Leah said the following at 11:11 PM on Jan 15:]

4

AG, getting married young is not necessarily a "difficult position". I think in some cases NOT getting married to the person you love would be a difficult position.

What happens if marriage doesn't mature two 30 year olds? Being 30 doesn't automatically make you more mature. Older doesn't necessarily = more mature. At 19, I know some 22/23 year olds who are far more immature than some 19 and 20 year olds who I see getting married. "What happens if" questions can be asked of ANY scenario- whether it's 2 20 year olds getting married, or 2 30 year olds.

I've seen many of my friends get married over the last few years. A few had graduated and had a job for a year or two before getting married (around the age of 23, 24), some have gotten married less than 2 years out of high school (around the age of 18, 19), and some who got married about the time of graduation (about 21). Due to my age I haven't had any close friends older than about 25 who have gotten married, but the differences between the ages of 18 and 24 is very apparent.

Those well into their 20s have had life experience and may be able to take on this new experience with a bit more ease than someone younger. Then again, my younger friends, while not having had the life experience, have taken on this challenge and grown markedly. Marriage matures people. Take one of my friends in particular (we'll call her Susan). She got married 18 months out of high school -- just short of her 19th birthday. A year older than me, she was my friend (though not close) and it just felt wrong (weird) to consider her a wife. She moved south with her husband, and whenever she visits I marvel at the change in her. She's moved 2 or 3 times since being married (her husband's in the airforce), and she's obviously not a teenager anymore. And not even 21 (and still odd to think of her as a wife!!). It's just a fact that generally, marriage matures people. (Especially Christians who should be constantly maturing in Christ, together with their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife). I think it would have to be a particularly immature person if they are a Christian and refuse to let marriage mature them.

Yes, you can ask that "what if" question that AG asked. But like I said earlier, you can ask that of any age group.

[5. ag said the following at 10:08 AM on Jan 16:]

5

Sure, getting married may mature some people. But it is a misnomer to make a blanker assertaion that marriage matures all people. The "what if" is important because the fallout of a difficult situation (i.e. a situaion where marriage does not mature both spouses) does not just affect the husband and wife. Any children produced by a marriage involving at least one immature person will suffer unduly. For that reason, every Christian woman owes it to her future children to marry a man who is mature (notice, I did not say the man has to be perfect) before he says I do. When a woman acts otherwise, she is exhibiting a lack of patience, faith, virtue, discernment, wisdom and character.

[6. Becky F. said the following at 10:28 AM on Jan 16:]

6

I agree, Leah.

Summer 2005, my younger sister and her boyfriend of 4½ years had been asking to get married for a little while, and we thought they'd elope once they were both 18 and got engaged right out of highschool, but they didn't. However, the following spring she got pregnant, so a month later they were married (May 2006).

It is amazing the changes in my sister. She was a very rebellious teenager and my parents hardly knew what to do with her. She still has a ways to go, sure (don't we all!), but being a wife and a mother has made her grow up and mature a lot! I've seen a huge difference in her husband, too, who is only a few months older than she is. He is very protective and they will be good parents.

I think it really depends on the person, too. Both of my sisters married guys who have the typical guy humor and think bodily functions are funny. My husband is in between their ages, and he doesn't think that kind of "humor" is humorous by any means. He was great for me because I was usually a step ahead maturity-wise than other people my age.

Like that song says, "age ain't nothing but a number". I would think that the longer you wait to get married, the more years you've spent single and independent, and it might make it harder to combine households, dreams, and possessions because you've had a longer time getting used to having your own stuff and being by yourself.

[7. Jake said the following at 12:53 PM on Jan 16:]

7

I wasn't raised in a Christian home and didn't receive any guidance on the marriage issue from my parents (who were high school sweethearts, but who always fought and eventually got divorced.) Now, at 30 and still single, I wish I had.

I've often wondered whether two settled, established, less hormonal thirtysomethings can ever really fall in love the way a couple of college kids can. hose early-twenties newlywed years seem like somesthing that can never be duplicated. hough some married couples may say to a guy like me, "you don't know how good you've got it, being single and free," I'd rather be able to look back fondly on filling up our wedding registry with household goods we actually needed because neither of us had them, being heart-poundingly excited about our wedding night, and living in our first little one-bedroom apartment together, than I would have our wedding planning consist of deciding whose furniture we're going to keep and whose we're going to get rid of, and having to take Viagra on my honeymoon.

Married people often accuse us singles of wrongly believing the grass is greener on the other side, but we also need to remember that they are affected with greener grass syndrome in a way as well. People who married straight out of college at 21 don't know what it's like to spend their twenties alone and celibate.

[8. Mark said the following at 2:05 PM on Jan 16:]

8

Jake,

I hear ya, man! While I grew up in a Christian home with parents that demonstrated what a godly marriage looks like, it makes it that much more frustrating to be 31 and single. I know what I'm missing out on (or at least I think I do.)

After numerous relationships gone sour, I do feel like my capacity to trust women (within the boundaries of a romantic relationship) has severely suffered. Now, I find myself asking questions like "will I celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary in a nursing home?"

Going to graduate school 1500 miles away from family does accentuate one's loneliness, especially on the holidays. I thank God that he's blessed me with a great church family to help alleviate the problem. But, it always leads me to ask: "how much more fun would this be if I was married?"

[9. deanna said the following at 6:48 PM on Jan 16:]

9

isn't it my parents job to raise me -- not my husbands?

[10. Leah said the following at 9:57 PM on Jan 16:]

10

Deanna, by the time people get to the point of marriage, they are beyond being "raised".

This article is not about who is raising you, parents vs. husband. It is about parents possibly making bad decisions. Note: I said *possibly*. Have you read the actual Boundless article itself? That may help.

There was also an article on either Boundless or the Boundless line late last year about how young adults (or even not-so-young adults) should stand up to their parents when a) they are already grown/independent/etc and b) believe their parent is telling them the wrong thing, or making a bad decision.

This isn't about who to obey, parents vs husband/boyfriend.

AG, I didn't disagree with any of what you said in your second post. I only said it wasn't dependant upon age, which I still agree to. Thanks for your support, Becky :)

[11. Chris Krycho said the following at 10:25 PM on Jan 16:]

11

Deanna - I don't think anyone is suggesting your husband should "raise" you, by any means! Rather, what is being said is that getting married causes many people (guy and girl) to mature. It's hardly as if people stop maturing once they're an adult; we mature to the day we die so long as we're teachable and listening to the wisdom God is bringing us.

[12. am said the following at 10:17 AM on Jan 17:]

12

Jake,
I must respond to your questions if older (late-twenties/thirties) couples can still experience that newlywed bliss. I can tell you from experience that they do. My husband was 34 and I was an old 25 when we were married 7 months ago. Since neither of us really dated/courted, we were both blown away by the amount of love that grew out of our courtship. Matter fact, I think our desire to be married was greater because both of us had waited for such a long time. Trust me, there was no need for Viagra on our honeymoon. Yes, we were both very independent people, but realized we needed to become dependent on each other and asked for God's help in that area. We still had to fill a registry because I was living with my parents and he was a bachelor. Let's face it, most bachelors don't have a great collection of kitchen gadgets or pretty towels. As far as furniture wars go, they're a great way to learn how to work out problems and compromise without getting angry at each other.

I am a firm believer that some people are ready for marriage in their early twenties, but most are not. Do not go into marriage with an (mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally) immature person. Do not rely on marriage to make that person grow up. Marriage is enough of a challenge with two mature people. Both my husband and I feel so blessed that God brought us together in His timing. And yes, we are "dreaming together." We are dreaming of raising our future children and dreaming of ways that we can be effective servants in our church.

[13. DanL said the following at 10:37 PM on Jan 17:]

13

I wonder if two much is made about being ready for marriage. No matter how ready you are marriage will still be difficult. I hope this doesn’t come off as too trite, but isn’t anything worth doing hard? That said, I think it is useful differentiae between two types of “hard,” what I’ll call the technical sense and the grunt sense. If something is technically hard, say an exam from a challenging professor, then it requires preparation, in this case studying and practice. But if something is hard in the grunt sense, say digging a ditch through rocky soil, it requires … well … it requires doing. I’m not sure how else to put it. You don’t sit around and discuss how to prepare for ditch digging; you pick up a shovel.

Now as a never married single I may be completely deceived, but I’m inclined to view marriage as closer to the later category. Certainly it is some of both, as no one would claim a certain level of maturity shouldn’t be present or minimize the value of, say, premarital counseling. But if a marriage is, as the post above states, between two sinners then it seems that much, if not most of the challenge is to continually love and forgive one another. And the way to do that is to continually love and forgive. I’m not sure how else to put that either. I would appreciate the views of any married readers on this.

I mention all this because while I often hear people rightly warn about the difficulties of marriage, they will then talk about preparation as though as long as we reach some mythical level of maturity and pick the right person the actual marriage part should be a breeze. This strikes me as total nonsense.

[14. Tehilah said the following at 7:16 AM on Jan 18:]

14

My mother always half-joked that 25 was the best age to get married. I remember turning 26 and going into a "quarter-life" crisis. I've managed to repeat this crisis every year -- until now.

I just turned 30 and finally God is getting through -- if I trust Him, (truly, in the most important and vulnerable places in my heart,) then I will wait for Him and accept anything He chooses to give me. For me that means not allowing anxious thoughts to keep me up at night anymore, not indulging in any more tears when I come home from the wedding of someone I babysat 15 years ago, not envying my younger brother at his engagement party this weekend.

God has been so good to me, so faithful, so merciful -- I think I will trust Him with this area of my life too. The time for saying "I trust you, but I'm going to worry my peace away because I'm not married" is long gone. This too, is part of maturing.

[15. Erik said the following at 10:20 AM on Jan 18:]

15

I'm reading through all this as a single considering marraige. There seems to be so many different views on what dictates what makes a good marraige. Many use statistics to decide the age, others emotions, some biblical, but they all seem to be saying the same thing. It depends on the person. More importantly it should depend on God's purpose though shouldn't it?

We can consider all the statistics, all the hundreds of different reasons, but when it comes down to it in the end, we are all unique with our own unique life and story. There really is no other way to set an age or time apart from Gods plan and purpose for us. Our heart, and faith should be inline with God so that we can understand his timing.

Myself, I am 21. I am an Engineer, I recently bought a house, Im rooted into my church, and I love the girl I'm dating. We are considering marriage not becuase of our age, or love, but becuase in prayer we both believe it is where we need to be.

What is holding us back is the popular belief all around us that marriage should wait. Any thoughts?

[16. Jan said the following at 4:07 PM on Jan 31:]

16

I would argue for earlier marriage...with mature people. I think that one of the reasons people today get married later is because of the whole extended adolescence trend. If we encourage young people to take responsibility earlier, I think earlier marriage will naturally follow. Also, I think that some parents may recommend getting married later because they regret the choices they made getting married young.

[1. debbie maken said the following at 4:37 PM on Jan 15:]

1

I agree with Dr. Mohler's assessment. Long ago when I was still single, one wise married lady told me that those early-marriage tight financial years were what she called the "years of dreaming together," and something that set a good foundation for goals she and her husband had set to achieve through their marriage.

The thing about coming into a marriage more materially wealthy is that it pretty much gets destroyed by little ones -- one too many Kool-aid stains on the persian, spit up on the sofa cushions, ... I remember as a single gal, I bought an off-white sofa, and a good friend remarked, "you're not planning on having kids anytime soon are you?" I never thought about my personal material choices being a reflection of my family life views, but I think my friend saw something I didn't back then -- that we should make decisions while we are single that show our priorities, and our hopes.

Debbie Maken

[2. ag said the following at 8:43 PM on Jan 15:]

2

I waited until I was 30, and have not regretted it for one second. My husband was mature before we said I do. What happens if a couple marries young, and marriage does not actually mature the people involved?? You just have 2 immature people, living together, probably having babies and failing miserably at building their family. Sometimes, intentionally putting yourself in a difficult position is not Godly, it is just a bad decision. In other cases, it may be misguided self-rightousness disguised as sacrifice.

[3. Brooke said the following at 10:50 PM on Jan 15:]

3

Maybe it just takes some of longer than others to find our spouses. I met my husband when I was 23 and he was 28, and we got married two years later. And we continue to have a lot more growing to do...

[4. Leah said the following at 11:11 PM on Jan 15:]

4

AG, getting married young is not necessarily a "difficult position". I think in some cases NOT getting married to the person you love would be a difficult position.

What happens if marriage doesn't mature two 30 year olds? Being 30 doesn't automatically make you more mature. Older doesn't necessarily = more mature. At 19, I know some 22/23 year olds who are far more immature than some 19 and 20 year olds who I see getting married. "What happens if" questions can be asked of ANY scenario- whether it's 2 20 year olds getting married, or 2 30 year olds.

I've seen many of my friends get married over the last few years. A few had graduated and had a job for a year or two before getting married (around the age of 23, 24), some have gotten married less than 2 years out of high school (around the age of 18, 19), and some who got married about the time of graduation (about 21). Due to my age I haven't had any close friends older than about 25 who have gotten married, but the differences between the ages of 18 and 24 is very apparent.

Those well into their 20s have had life experience and may be able to take on this new experience with a bit more ease than someone younger. Then again, my younger friends, while not having had the life experience, have taken on this challenge and grown markedly. Marriage matures people. Take one of my friends in particular (we'll call her Susan). She got married 18 months out of high school -- just short of her 19th birthday. A year older than me, she was my friend (though not close) and it just felt wrong (weird) to consider her a wife. She moved south with her husband, and whenever she visits I marvel at the change in her. She's moved 2 or 3 times since being married (her husband's in the airforce), and she's obviously not a teenager anymore. And not even 21 (and still odd to think of her as a wife!!). It's just a fact that generally, marriage matures people. (Especially Christians who should be constantly maturing in Christ, together with their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife). I think it would have to be a particularly immature person if they are a Christian and refuse to let marriage mature them.

Yes, you can ask that "what if" question that AG asked. But like I said earlier, you can ask that of any age group.

[5. ag said the following at 10:08 AM on Jan 16:]

5

Sure, getting married may mature some people. But it is a misnomer to make a blanker assertaion that marriage matures all people. The "what if" is important because the fallout of a difficult situation (i.e. a situaion where marriage does not mature both spouses) does not just affect the husband and wife. Any children produced by a marriage involving at least one immature person will suffer unduly. For that reason, every Christian woman owes it to her future children to marry a man who is mature (notice, I did not say the man has to be perfect) before he says I do. When a woman acts otherwise, she is exhibiting a lack of patience, faith, virtue, discernment, wisdom and character.

[6. Becky F. said the following at 10:28 AM on Jan 16:]

6

I agree, Leah.

Summer 2005, my younger sister and her boyfriend of 4½ years had been asking to get married for a little while, and we thought they'd elope once they were both 18 and got engaged right out of highschool, but they didn't. However, the following spring she got pregnant, so a month later they were married (May 2006).

It is amazing the changes in my sister. She was a very rebellious teenager and my parents hardly knew what to do with her. She still has a ways to go, sure (don't we all!), but being a wife and a mother has made her grow up and mature a lot! I've seen a huge difference in her husband, too, who is only a few months older than she is. He is very protective and they will be good parents.

I think it really depends on the person, too. Both of my sisters married guys who have the typical guy humor and think bodily functions are funny. My husband is in between their ages, and he doesn't think that kind of "humor" is humorous by any means. He was great for me because I was usually a step ahead maturity-wise than other people my age.

Like that song says, "age ain't nothing but a number". I would think that the longer you wait to get married, the more years you've spent single and independent, and it might make it harder to combine households, dreams, and possessions because you've had a longer time getting used to having your own stuff and being by yourself.

[7. Jake said the following at 12:53 PM on Jan 16:]

7

I wasn't raised in a Christian home and didn't receive any guidance on the marriage issue from my parents (who were high school sweethearts, but who always fought and eventually got divorced.) Now, at 30 and still single, I wish I had.

I've often wondered whether two settled, established, less hormonal thirtysomethings can ever really fall in love the way a couple of college kids can. hose early-twenties newlywed years seem like somesthing that can never be duplicated. hough some married couples may say to a guy like me, "you don't know how good you've got it, being single and free," I'd rather be able to look back fondly on filling up our wedding registry with household goods we actually needed because neither of us had them, being heart-poundingly excited about our wedding night, and living in our first little one-bedroom apartment together, than I would have our wedding planning consist of deciding whose furniture we're going to keep and whose we're going to get rid of, and having to take Viagra on my honeymoon.

Married people often accuse us singles of wrongly believing the grass is greener on the other side, but we also need to remember that they are affected with greener grass syndrome in a way as well. People who married straight out of college at 21 don't know what it's like to spend their twenties alone and celibate.

[8. Mark said the following at 2:05 PM on Jan 16:]

8

Jake,

I hear ya, man! While I grew up in a Christian home with parents that demonstrated what a godly marriage looks like, it makes it that much more frustrating to be 31 and single. I know what I'm missing out on (or at least I think I do.)

After numerous relationships gone sour, I do feel like my capacity to trust women (within the boundaries of a romantic relationship) has severely suffered. Now, I find myself asking questions like "will I celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary in a nursing home?"

Going to graduate school 1500 miles away from family does accentuate one's loneliness, especially on the holidays. I thank God that he's blessed me with a great church family to help alleviate the problem. But, it always leads me to ask: "how much more fun would this be if I was married?"

[9. deanna said the following at 6:48 PM on Jan 16:]

9

isn't it my parents job to raise me -- not my husbands?

[10. Leah said the following at 9:57 PM on Jan 16:]

10

Deanna, by the time people get to the point of marriage, they are beyond being "raised".

This article is not about who is raising you, parents vs. husband. It is about parents possibly making bad decisions. Note: I said *possibly*. Have you read the actual Boundless article itself? That may help.

There was also an article on either Boundless or the Boundless line late last year about how young adults (or even not-so-young adults) should stand up to their parents when a) they are already grown/independent/etc and b) believe their parent is telling them the wrong thing, or making a bad decision.

This isn't about who to obey, parents vs husband/boyfriend.

AG, I didn't disagree with any of what you said in your second post. I only said it wasn't dependant upon age, which I still agree to. Thanks for your support, Becky :)

[11. Chris Krycho said the following at 10:25 PM on Jan 16:]

11

Deanna - I don't think anyone is suggesting your husband should "raise" you, by any means! Rather, what is being said is that getting married causes many people (guy and girl) to mature. It's hardly as if people stop maturing once they're an adult; we mature to the day we die so long as we're teachable and listening to the wisdom God is bringing us.

[12. am said the following at 10:17 AM on Jan 17:]

12

Jake,
I must respond to your questions if older (late-twenties/thirties) couples can still experience that newlywed bliss. I can tell you from experience that they do. My husband was 34 and I was an old 25 when we were married 7 months ago. Since neither of us really dated/courted, we were both blown away by the amount of love that grew out of our courtship. Matter fact, I think our desire to be married was greater because both of us had waited for such a long time. Trust me, there was no need for Viagra on our honeymoon. Yes, we were both very independent people, but realized we needed to become dependent on each other and asked for God's help in that area. We still had to fill a registry because I was living with my parents and he was a bachelor. Let's face it, most bachelors don't have a great collection of kitchen gadgets or pretty towels. As far as furniture wars go, they're a great way to learn how to work out problems and compromise without getting angry at each other.

I am a firm believer that some people are ready for marriage in their early twenties, but most are not. Do not go into marriage with an (mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally) immature person. Do not rely on marriage to make that person grow up. Marriage is enough of a challenge with two mature people. Both my husband and I feel so blessed that God brought us together in His timing. And yes, we are "dreaming together." We are dreaming of raising our future children and dreaming of ways that we can be effective servants in our church.

[13. DanL said the following at 10:37 PM on Jan 17:]

13

I wonder if two much is made about being ready for marriage. No matter how ready you are marriage will still be difficult. I hope this doesn’t come off as too trite, but isn’t anything worth doing hard? That said, I think it is useful differentiae between two types of “hard,” what I’ll call the technical sense and the grunt sense. If something is technically hard, say an exam from a challenging professor, then it requires preparation, in this case studying and practice. But if something is hard in the grunt sense, say digging a ditch through rocky soil, it requires … well … it requires doing. I’m not sure how else to put it. You don’t sit around and discuss how to prepare for ditch digging; you pick up a shovel.

Now as a never married single I may be completely deceived, but I’m inclined to view marriage as closer to the later category. Certainly it is some of both, as no one would claim a certain level of maturity shouldn’t be present or minimize the value of, say, premarital counseling. But if a marriage is, as the post above states, between two sinners then it seems that much, if not most of the challenge is to continually love and forgive one another. And the way to do that is to continually love and forgive. I’m not sure how else to put that either. I would appreciate the views of any married readers on this.

I mention all this because while I often hear people rightly warn about the difficulties of marriage, they will then talk about preparation as though as long as we reach some mythical level of maturity and pick the right person the actual marriage part should be a breeze. This strikes me as total nonsense.

[14. Tehilah said the following at 7:16 AM on Jan 18:]

14

My mother always half-joked that 25 was the best age to get married. I remember turning 26 and going into a "quarter-life" crisis. I've managed to repeat this crisis every year -- until now.

I just turned 30 and finally God is getting through -- if I trust Him, (truly, in the most important and vulnerable places in my heart,) then I will wait for Him and accept anything He chooses to give me. For me that means not allowing anxious thoughts to keep me up at night anymore, not indulging in any more tears when I come home from the wedding of someone I babysat 15 years ago, not envying my younger brother at his engagement party this weekend.

God has been so good to me, so faithful, so merciful -- I think I will trust Him with this area of my life too. The time for saying "I trust you, but I'm going to worry my peace away because I'm not married" is long gone. This too, is part of maturing.

[15. Erik said the following at 10:20 AM on Jan 18:]

15

I'm reading through all this as a single considering marraige. There seems to be so many different views on what dictates what makes a good marraige. Many use statistics to decide the age, others emotions, some biblical, but they all seem to be saying the same thing. It depends on the person. More importantly it should depend on God's purpose though shouldn't it?

We can consider all the statistics, all the hundreds of different reasons, but when it comes down to it in the end, we are all unique with our own unique life and story. There really is no other way to set an age or time apart from Gods plan and purpose for us. Our heart, and faith should be inline with God so that we can understand his timing.

Myself, I am 21. I am an Engineer, I recently bought a house, Im rooted into my church, and I love the girl I'm dating. We are considering marriage not becuase of our age, or love, but becuase in prayer we both believe it is where we need to be.

What is holding us back is the popular belief all around us that marriage should wait. Any thoughts?

[16. Jan said the following at 4:07 PM on Jan 31:]

16

I would argue for earlier marriage...with mature people. I think that one of the reasons people today get married later is because of the whole extended adolescence trend. If we encourage young people to take responsibility earlier, I think earlier marriage will naturally follow. Also, I think that some parents may recommend getting married later because they regret the choices they made getting married young.