Aspire to Marry a Sinner
by Ted Slater on 01/15/2007 at 4:30 PM
I was clicking through some posts on a singles forum and came across one titled "Dream wife and Dream husband."
I admit that I was surprised at the maturity of the responses. Dream spouse characteristics included honest, church-going, non-judgmental, secure, empathetic and so on. Of course, there were some silly ones in there too: "Like Eve before the fall."
The thread got me thinking about some teaching I heard a few years ago before I got married, a talk given by Pastor Dave Harvey called "When Sinners Say I Do." The gist of the sermon was that if I enter into marriage knowing that my wife will sin, then I won't be disappointed when ... surprise ... she does sin.
The outline of the talk, which is freely available from Sovereign Grace Ministries, shows how you can tell whether or not your doctrine of sin is being applied effectively in your relationship. The first "indicator" is: "We are More Aware of Being a Sinner Than Being Sinned-Against." Fascinating.
What I took away after listening to the sermon was an encouragement to practice grace and have realistic expectations, expectations based in what Scripture says about human nature.
I think it may be helpful to think of "The One" as someone who's sinful, just as you are. I think that's better than to think of them as the idealized "soul mate" (see this and this) with whom you'll be able to enjoy a problem-free, effortless relationship.
While it's true that singles should do a good deal of work "up-front" in selecting a spouse, it's also true that because we're all sinful, a good relationship will continue to take a good deal of effort and require a good deal of grace.
1. Chris Krycho said the following at 7:56 AM on Jan 16
I think we need to remember the same thing in all of our relationships, too, and I very much agree with what you're driving at here in the context of marriage. It's struck me lately how often we expect others to be flawless and sinless, and then expect them to show us grace when we fall short. For me, at least, that's a pretty self-centered pattern, and one that I need to break by the power of the Holy Spirit. Yes, we do need to be mindful of each other's sins and the call that we have to holiness; but we also need to remember that we are called to grace as well. If we ever forget that, we're headed down a very dangerous road to legalism and outright disregard for the works of Christ on the cross, as we proclaim the power of our own holiness.
2. Dan Gill said the following at 9:22 AM on Jan 16
During a sermon last year, our pulpit minister described marriage as an institution in which two sinners come together to produce little sinnerlets. Quite true.
3. Dustin said the following at 10:19 AM on Jan 16
Great advice Ted. I've been already prayerfully considering the previous post about striving for growth to become a good husband, as opposed to striving to find a good wife. This just serves as a further reminder to me about the selflessness that marriage should be about.
4. Riqui said the following at 3:27 PM on Jan 17
Wow!! This is so refreshing to hear. My (younger than me) brother got married about two and a half years ago. I had a lot of emotions to deal with ranging from bitterness to jealousy. God is ever so faithful in breaking hearts and healing wounds.
But that's not the point.
What is the point is how much maturity my brother and sister-in-law demonstrate. One of the nuggets of wisdom that my sister-in-law has shared with me is that my brother isn't perfect. (I could have told her that!) What she was trying to get me to understand is that both of them at some point had expected the other to be something that they are not and were disappointed until they understood that they were going to let each other down and growing would only occur when they practiced humility, forgiveness, and patience.
I was amazed at this level of maturity but also took it to heart. I now no longer look for the "Perfect Man" or strive to be the "Perfect Wife". I desire to be an "ezer kenegdo" who learns to expect less and accept more becuase deep down, I want to marry someone who will do the same.
5. Rebekah said the following at 8:35 AM on Jan 18
Thank you for this. I have been struggling with the thought of even marrying and now this deepens my faith in God and His plans for me.
6. Ben said the following at 7:56 AM on Jul 7
Very good article.
Doing the work up-front to chose a good spouse is essential but I think the difficulty is WHERE do we draw a line and start to accpet imperfectness?
It needs a bit of maturity to realize that you will not find a perfect man/woman but someone who will have mistakes and be a sinner.
On the other hand your partner will face the same. But planning to be the perfect spouse is just right - if you and your spouse are aware of the fat that you will never be that perfect spouse - but if you work hard and ask the lord for help you will be "perfect enough" to make your spouse happy.