Age Differences
by Ted Slater on 01/31/2007 at 10:47 AM
When I began my third decade as a single, being part of a singles group where most of the women were in their 20s, I found myself thinking about when a difference in age between a man and a woman becomes "too much."
I searched the Scriptures. I asked for counsel. I looked at Christian marriages throughout history. I considered the differently-aged couples in my church.
My conclusion: At a certain age, an age difference of even 15 years is not necessarily wrong or a hindrance to a great relationship.
Scripture includes a few examples of differently-aged couples. Abraham was 10 years older than his wife. His son Isaac (who was nearly 40 when he married) was much older than his wife (who was described as a "young woman"). Joseph was likely notably older than Mary. In none of these cases is a difference in age denounced, or even relevant.
I came across a few examples in Christendom of differently-aged couples. Martin Luther was in his early 40s when he married a woman in her mid-20s; he actually commended such arrangements. Catherine Marshall, author of the novel Christy, was over a decade younger than her husband Peter.
And in my church the family I most respected, whose four homeschooled children were models of maturity and graciousness, was led by a man some 15 years older than his wife.
After considering couples in and out of Scripture, I found myself feeling less awkward engaging with a singles group that was younger than me. In fact, those years are some of the richest of my pre-marriage life.
So what happened with me? In my 35th year I fell in love with a brown-eyed young woman in the singles group. Her father was a pastor and she was earning her master's degree in film. Though she was younger than me, she and I would both agree that we were about the same maturity level. We spent time getting to know each other, started courting in April 2002 and were enjoying our honeymoon in Paris over the Christmas holiday later that same year. That she is 12 years younger than me has not been a significant issue in the happy success of our marriage and parenting.
I'd sure like to end this post with that last poignant paragraph, but I need to add something. Our research at Boundless indicates that couples are happiest when they marry between 23 and 27 years of age. I'm not necessarily advocating, then, intentionally waiting until you're in your mid-30s to marry, and I'm not necessarily advocating intentionally looking for someone a decade younger than yourself. My wife and I do deal with issues that similarly-aged couples don't. I am saying, though, that if you find yourself in a situation like mine, you needn't think it's necessarily wrong to "rob the cradle."
1. Vincenzo said the following at 10:56 AM on Jan 31:
Ted, I agree with you. My stepdad's parents were 17 years apart in age, but were in love to the very last. In fact, I talked with a couple of women who preferred older men. Emotional maturity has a lot to do with it I think.
2. John said the following at 11:06 AM on Jan 31:
Does the same hold true for younger man/older woman relationships?
3. Amber said the following at 12:14 PM on Jan 31:
I second John's question? I'm curious of what some people think.
4. LauraMH said the following at 12:15 PM on Jan 31:
I'm 37, female, and single but I would like to be married. I have always been attracted to men who are either my age or older. I have never had good relationships with younger men, even those only a few years younger than me.
5. Mark said the following at 1:54 PM on Jan 31:
Ted,
Your post was a tremendous help. In fact, this was probably one of the most encouraging items I've read on Boundless. Being a 31-year old grad student, most of the women I come in contact with are, at best, nine years younger than me. Oftentimes, I feel kind of creeped out that I'd even consider talking to someone that much my junior.
I'm curious, though, about what sort of issues you and your wife encountered that couples of a closer age range haven't had to consider.
6. Kristine said the following at 2:05 PM on Jan 31:
Thank you for posting this. Many of my female friends are happily married to men who are significantly older than they are. Your article is food for thought.
7. Blair said the following at 2:08 PM on Jan 31:
I do not think there is anything morally wrong with age differences but I will admit that it annoys me when I hear stories of older men dating much younger women. It seems unfair to the women who are still single in the man's own age bracket. I am only 25 but I already see a trend among many of my male peers. I have known serveral guys at my church who are about my age pursue girls who are 18 or 19. I am not trying to sound bitter (maybe God has some heart issues to work with me on), but men need to understand how frustrating it can be when they pass on marriage in their youth. It is much easier for a man to find a wife when he is over 30 than a women to find a man who still wants to marry when she is past her prime.
8. Tabitha said the following at 2:36 PM on Jan 31:
It's always amazing to me how pertinent Boundless and the Line's articles manage to be!
I, being a relatively young woman at age 20, have wondered about this myself. How ought someone my age respond to interest by older men? I have met several very worthy older men, but it just feels strange to me to be in a relationship with someone in such a different period of life. It's seems like many older men are light years ahead of me in certain life experiences (like holding a full-time job!), and I don't quite know what to do about that.
Any ideas, folks?
9. Hillary said the following at 3:36 PM on Jan 31:
To rephrase something above - Are there any Biblical accounts of Older Women married to Younger Men?
Since the man is usually "the provider" in relationships could this hinder? I mean a man in his 30's should be more secure than a man fresh out of school...and I could see tremendous conflicts with some lady who's already been through that time of life, alone...
10. Mark said the following at 3:38 PM on Jan 31:
Blair,
Coming from the perspective of an "older" guy, I'd say that 25 year-old guys (I assume) chasing 18 and 19 year-old girls is a little odd. There's a big difference in life experience between 18,19 and 25. Of course, maturity, like water, seeks its own level.
However, if these guys are 22,23 and still in college and pursuing girls that are probably college freshmen and sophomores, then that's not unheard of. Or, the other possibility...you have some very precocious young women in your midst.
11. BDB said the following at 4:01 PM on Jan 31:
I've actually been pondering this recently. One thing that occurred to me is that it's a lot less competitive when the woman is several years younger. Before having children, men and women tend to make the same amount of money in the same jobs. It's very difficult to compete for the attention of a never-been-married woman in her mid-30's making $80,000 a year - she has often already bought herself everything and done everything that money can buy - taken the cruises, seen David Copperfield, etc. It's a lot easier to impress a woman who is 10 years younger and making half as much money.
The provider issue matters, too. For men who don't get financial support from their families after high school, it can easily take 10 years after college to establish a career before feeling financially secure enough to support a family.
OK, maybe that's not terribly biblical. Then again, Boaz was a lot wealthier and older than Ruth (see Ruth 3:10).
12. Laura said the following at 6:14 PM on Jan 31:
Ted, I also would like to hear your thoughts about older women/younger men. For some reason it does seem a little odd or "backwards" for the wife to be significantly older than her husband (say more than 3 years older). What would be any thoughts/cautions for that scenario?
13. DanL said the following at 6:20 PM on Jan 31:
I’ve mentioned some of this in an old post, but off the three women who I have dated in the past everyone has been older than me. One lady was only a few months older than me, but the other two where 4 and 8 years older. I’ve wondered if the age difference was part of the reason these relationships ended, but I don’t really know since neither woman gave a reason when they called them off. It’s really difficult too when you try to pursue someone and then shortly thereafter they end up marrying someone ten years their senior. I know this is really the wrong way to look at things, but it often seems like I not have to compete with other guys my age with all the older men as well (especially when they have big houses, fancy cars, money for travel etc.). I’m not really sure what to make of the financial aspect either. On hand, yes a man is supposed to support his family and being older and have further career advancement and more savings certainly helps with that. But I think people often take the whole supporting the family thing too far. I’ve actually heard Christian argue that it is necessary for a man to own his own home before he gets married, something that wasn’t true of my parents, either set of grandparents, or most of my aunts and uncles (all who have generally done an excellent job of modeling marriage for me). I sometimes joke about 1 Tim 5:8 saying “he who doesn’t provide his wife with a six figure income is worse than an unbeliever” since that is the way it seems some people interpret it. I’ve actually had one of my friends suggest that I try re-asking out one the women I dated before now I have finished school and have a job that pays quire a bit more than the graduate student stipend I was living off of when we dated previously (although I’m not inclined to take his advice).
We actually had a speaker at church several months ago who encouraged women not to date younger men since she claimed they weren’t as interested in marriage. I was greatly upset by this since I don’t think it accurately represents me or my similarly aged male friends. Besides, I would hope that you know enough about someone you were considering having a relationship with to base you decision on that instead of just on statistics. I’ve also head someone suggest that men who were serious about marriage would have better luck with older women, although I can’t say its helped me much.
On a purely practical matter, women already live longer than men, so if a woman marries someone substantially older than here then it seems she is most likely committing to live a large portion of her life as a widow. And on a historical note, while it use to me much more common for men to marry much younger women, the young age of their brides was a strong contributor to the high number of women who perished in child birth.
14. Leah said the following at 7:12 PM on Jan 31:
I'm not sure if looking to biblical couples is helpful in today's society. Certainly, it tells us that large age gaps are not wrong, but is it all that helpful? Keep in mind some of these were arranged marriages. (eg. Isaac and Rebekah). Not exactly the way things happen these days. (In western culture).
15. P&P said the following at 7:55 PM on Jan 31:
As much as people don't think age matters, it really does. A woman marrying a man significantly older than herself (15+ years) needs to consider the aging process. She will still be in her prime, however her husband will be slowing down.
At 25 you still have the energy to go snowboarding all weekend, get straight to work Monday morning and go see that hot new band Wednesday night, all without missing a beat. At 40, a relaxing walk in the park Saturday afternoon and a trip to the record store Tuesday after work is a little more realistic if you want to keep up with your job.
I've experienced this scenario and can assure you that as much as you might care for one another, you need to make sure you have common interests and activities beyond church and family for a relationship to be successful.
In addition to this, there is the aging process to consider. A significant age difference can mean that the younger spouse could be saddled with the task of raising young children as well as caring for an aging spouse. This can also place significant emotional as well as financial strain on a person.
Although there is no one true path for everyone, it's important to consider that if you want a relationship to last a lifetime, you need to consider the long term, not just your 20's and 30's, which is the target group of Boundless.
16. xeres said the following at 8:13 PM on Jan 31:
My parents are nine years apart (they divorced tho =(). Personally, as much as I love my parents, I am not comfortable with the idea of my husband/bF is older than me by 10 years or so. I can see exceptions in this article. However, I'm a bit nit picky when it comes to how old my potential love interests. I don't mind older men but just no more than 5 years of my senior.
17. Catherine Ann said the following at 9:24 PM on Jan 31:
When my young man and I first met, I was 17 and he was 22, and although we did not "get together" until I was over 18, I was amazed at the reactions of several people on discovering his age. The idea seemed "dirty" to them, and I had never thought of a 5 year age difference between Christians as a terrible thing. Indeed, I found, as Ted and his wife did, that we were and continue to be at the same maturity level. I also think this is why it's not very often that the woman is older. I woundn't say it was a rule, but generally women mature more quickly than do men.
Tabitha, I understand what you're saying in a way, having had usually older guys - though not terribly older! - show interest in me. However, I would say that when it's the right person (not meaning to sound cheesy here) those considerations really don't matter very much. If he doesn't snear at your lack of experience in the world, you, most likely, won't be in timid awe of the abundence of his. Hope that helps. :)
18. DrLizW said the following at 11:39 PM on Jan 31:
Well, thanks :-( for confirming why I am not involved in the church's singles program (the area isn't big enough to have churches that can sub-divide singles, even though it's not a small town).
It seems that men around my age (38) are going to be looking for younger women, especially if they haven't been married (and want a better chance of having children). On the other hand, the older men (to whom I am a "younger woman") are more likely to have older children, even grown children or grandchildren (and not want more children).
I've never been married and don't have children, but I share Candace's views on birth control (blame my sister, with the five kids) and would not marry a man who would refuse the potential blessing of children (given my age, he's also got to realize that it wouldn't be too likely).
Of course, one of the most amazingly in love couples I know is 20 years apart -- she was a very mature 30 and he a very young 50 when they married about 14 years ago. Didn't go looking for each other, but apparently couldn't avoid being smitten. He actually blurted out that he was in love with her when he called to ask her on a first date - amazingly, she still went out with him.
19. Paul said the following at 1:54 AM on Feb 1:
My grandfather is 91 later this year and my grandmother will be 76. As you can imagine it was highly unusual when he at 36 married her a week after her 21st birthday. From what she tells me I don't think her parents would have objected, but 21 was the age of marital consent back then.
In any case, they survived and thrived, and are now enjoying watching their two grandchildren grow up, and in my sister's case, get married. Whilst they readily admit to not wanting to live another 20 years, they praise God for a long, productive and joyous life, and wouldn't have it any other way.
As Ted knows, it not only can be done, it can be an enormous blessing.
20. Leah said the following at 6:16 AM on Feb 1:
One of my best friends is 19 while her boyfriend is 24. It means nothing to them though, and nothing to the rest of us- so often I forget that he is more than a year older than us.
I also have a completely respectable friend who is 21 who is interested in a 17 year old girl, and while I teased him about being a cradle snatcher, the idea of the two of them being a couple sits comfortably with me.
My grandparents were also 15 years apart, and although they were in conflict a lot this was due to the fact that Nanna was a Christian and Poppy wasn't.
While my boyfriend is only a year older than me (actually, because of our birthdays, he is 23 months older than me- my b'day is in Dec and his in Jan!) I am friends with guys 3, 4, or 5 years older than me who I would not hesitate to recommend to friends my own age.
I was, however, disgusted by the idea of a friend's friend (I don't personally know her) who, at the age of 16, was dating a 31 year old. This type of age difference may work ok by the time she is in her mid 20s, but I have problems with a school girl dating a guy who has likely been in the workforce for 10 years.
I don't think age becomes an issue (with young adults) until the partner is more than 10 years your senior. Even then it probably wouldn't be an issue, you just might need to think about it a little more.
21. John said the following at 6:51 AM on Feb 1:
P&P, you make being 40 sound like we're ready for Geritol and a nap.
It's more like at 40, we have the energy to go snowboarding all weekend but we pull a hamstring on Saturday afternoon because we're not as flexible as we used to be. And we don't feel like hearing that band Wednesday night because we realized at some point that most bands are bad and loud and sound more or less the same.
Come to think of it, there are a lot of reasons to marry someone the same age as we are. On the other hand, maybe we need the May-December thing to keep us youthful.
22. Jay said the following at 8:39 AM on Feb 1:
I recently married a woman who is 8 years my junior, and we are doing quite well so far! So I think age makes little difference once you're past those maturing years required to reach adulthood (31 yr olds should not date 16 yr olds!).
As a biologist, I'd like to add that this doesn't differ that much from wildlife populations. Its typically older males who have gained the experiences necessary to procure mates! The younger bucks just don't got da skills!
23. Mike Theemling said the following at 9:15 AM on Feb 1:
No one has said this yet probably because it's un-PC but still believe it is the main reason why often older guys marry younger girls but not the other way around is the difference in sex appeal (this phenomenon is not just restricted to Western culture, stats confirm the age difference is worldwide).
If a 35 year old man would be given the choice of marrying a 35 year old woman or a 25 year old woman, with all other things being constant (interests, intelligence level, etc) almost always the man will choose the 25 year old.
Danielle Crittenden wrote that the disparity in sexual staying power of men and women is significant. And since men are more visually orientated a woman's sex appeal is much more valuable than a man's. Although it certainly seems unfair, this is why if a woman wants to get married she has her best chance in her 20's and early 30's. Those that put it off because of career or not finding the "soulmate" are rolling the dice with their chances.
And of course age is also related to fertility. A man can be fertile pretty much until he eligable for social security, while a woman's fertility decreases at an alarming rate once she hits age 30.
So this is an explanation of why you see older men with younger women and not the reverse. Personally and Biblically, I don't see any problems with this.
24. Rosalie said the following at 3:10 PM on Feb 1:
Okay, I'm a bit slow commenting on this but I've been travelling and away from a computer for the past week.
About what DanL said about men being expected to provide a 6 figure income for a wife. What a silly expectation. God chooses to bless some finically more that other and having a large income is not something we should expect as Christians, nor is it necessarily a mark of spiritual maturity. 50 years ago when people got married most of them had a few years early on where money was tight.
Personally a man's heart, spiritual and emotional maturity, passion for Christ, are all much more important than income or earning potential. I do however have to admit that a similar level of education would be a consideration (but far from absolute) for me but that is more related to compatibility than earnings.
On a side note my Dad is 9 years older than my Mom but they were in their early 40's and 30's (first marriage for both, still together and have 3 children -- so be encouraged) when they met and married so they were at similar places in life. I think stage of life is important which is it why you can't put a number on age gaps. Of course God occasionally put people together that seems to break all the rules.
It does seem unfair to older women, who often through no fault of their own are single in their 30's and finding men their own age are going after younger women.
-Peace in Christ, Rosalie
25. Buttercup said the following at 3:31 PM on Feb 1:
One thing I'd caution women considering an older man: Yes, the man can have children until old age (but their fertility rates don't remain constant) but if the man is say, 35, he will have lived at least 15 years as an adult and without children.
People (male and female) can get very used to having a childless lifestyle and may not be so willing to make the many, many concessions, take on responsibilities, not regret the loss of freedom, etc. that come with children.
I've seen a lot of discontent from older dads (and to be fair, moms, too) who had gotten used to their lifestyle and now have to bend. Even the physical chores of children (for example, having to get up at night) become more daunting for them, either because they aren't physically up to it or their mind isn't pliable enough. By that I mean younger parents seem to be a lot more flexible in their attitudes towards what goes into child rearing.
And, yes, the father must be able to afford the family, but resentment can brew when the income level that afforded a certain lifestyle for one or two can not be afforded with the addition of children. Younger guys haven't gotten to the point of having tons of discretionary funds that go to play time. Of course, this is a generalization.
Also, I don't think it is wise to encourage men not to mature before age 35 because they can then settle down later with younger women. Seems like that may well be at odds with the Bible.
26. BDB said the following at 4:27 PM on Feb 1:
To clarify, I've observed that both men and women can get used to a nice lifestyle provided by their careers. But I also know a handful of men who quietly prepared financially for children, even when they weren't dating anyone. These guys don't appear to be terribly social on the surface. But their "eventual" wives were stunned to discover that they'd spent years paying off their debts and socking away thousands of dollars to prepare. You probably won't see these guys driving flashy cars while they are single. (A lot of those are leased, anyway.)
27. Eliana said the following at 6:31 PM on Feb 1:
Well, I just had to weigh in on the discussion, because my parents met when my mom was 18 and my dad was 26. They married at ages 19 and 27, respectively. Now they have had a loving marriage of 31 years. So I don't think that an 8 year difference is too huge.
28. Leah said the following at 10:28 PM on Feb 1:
Hehe... I was just thinking, my Mum is older than my Dad... by 22 days ;P
As for the money thing, well, I don't know any girls who expect a huge salary from their boyfriend/husband. Most of my friends' boyfriends are students or on low-paying positions. One is a school science lab assistant. Others, as I said, are students. I also know of a few who got married in their first year of work, so while they were on good wages (they are both engineers) they hadn't been working for long and so I'm guessing didn't have an awful lot saved up. I happen to be very blessed with a boyfriend who has just graduated and found a good-paying job for an exit level student. I consider this a huge blessing as I was not expecting financial ease in my first few years of marriage (even so, that is not guaranteed!)
But keep in mind even guys with good paying jobs aren't necessarily set financially. My boyfriend is on a 6 month contract, and then what? He may have to move, take a lower paying position- who knows? A good paying job doesn't always mean financial security, even if it does mean a higher likelihood of it.
29. Becky F. said the following at 11:14 AM on Feb 2:
I agree Leah, that not all women expect a big salary from their boyfriend/fiance/husband. When I met my husband he was just beginning Seminary, which only allows him to work 20 hours a week. I knew that for at least the first year of our marriage I would be the one "bringing home the bacon". Whatever savings he had before Seminary were used on tuition and food for him. Whatever savings I had were already used on buying a new car when my old one died. We make enough to get by with a pretty pleasant lifestyle. We know that eventually he will be the one working full-time, and I'll get to move to part-time (well, no work for a few months after the baby is born). Money isn't important to a lot of people.
Even when people seem to be financially secure, you never know what will happen. My brother-in-law has lost two jobs for reasons beyond himself that he really had no control over. They're going to have 2 kids at the end of this summer, so they're actually in a worse financial position than my husband and me with all of his student loans, but they get by too.
30. Emily R. said the following at 6:00 PM on Feb 2:
From what I understand about a man's need for respect from his wife, I think it is a little harder (though not impossible, of course) for a woman to respect a man who is younger than she is. I find it easier to admire and look up to men who are older than I am.
31. JC said the following at 4:10 AM on Feb 3:
I see some younger men as really imature, but some are mature. Likewise some older men are great and some are not. It depends on each person and not on age.
A husband of a Japanese Christian novelist and author, Ayako Miura is 2 years younger than his wife and everyone knows how much they were in love till the wife deceased a few years ago. The way they've met itself is a great story and a testimony.
32. Deborah Cox said the following at 9:34 AM on Jun 10:
Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm a 44 year old single woman who has joined an online Christian singles website, I'm really asking you to pray for me to get some guidance as I'm in touch with a young man from Kenya who's 26 and he wants to come over to the UK and meet me, but I live with my Mum and she said that he's too young for me. I hope that you don't mind asking this request as I've prayed a lot about it myself and I don't really know what to do.
33. Sara said the following at 1:43 PM on Sep 1:
My husband is nearly 20 yrs. older than me!! (I'm in my early twenties and he is in his early forties.) Before I met him, I would not have guessed that I would marry someone closer in age to my parents than to myself. However, he is a great guy; a wonderful, caring, kind, and patient husband. Furthermore, unlike men my age that I had dated, he was ready to be married and to start a family right away--he didn't feel pressure to finish college or get settled in his career first. Most importantly, he was a mature Christian (we met at church). Our goals for the future are identical. In fact, we are so well matched, that our age difference is really our only significant difference.
I did struggle for awhile with the thought that perhaps I was "stealing" him from a godly single woman older than myself somewhere out there that had been praying for husband longer than I had. (Not that any single women older than myself who are not elderly widows actually attend our small church at this time anyway.) However, I had to accept or reject my husband on his own merits. It would have been ridiculous for me to have ignored a godly man who was perfect for me for the sake of another (imaginary) woman who may have deserved him more.
34. Rob R said the following at 7:06 PM on Mar 6:
hello!
i will say this-- over the last 7 months i've been dating the most Christ-centered, beautiful, brown-haired and brown eyed girl in whom i truly love and respect. Lord willing- we'd like to get engaged this spring and than get married this summer. i love the fact that she is 10 yrs younger than i am (i am 33 yrs old).
in no way do i feel embarrassed over the fact that 'i've robbed the cradle'! i love the fact that she is much younger than i. i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her and serving in ministry with her!
to God be the glory!
35. Grays said the following at 6:05 AM on Mar 7:
I like how all but one person just ignores the question of older women and younger guys. ^_o
36. Kyle said the following at 9:03 AM on Mar 9:
Well, as a grad student (age 24) who still gets mistaken for a high school senior, one obvious personal obstacle for the older woman/younger man paradigm is that women, even ones my age, tend to see me as young and inexperienced. While I'll be glad to look 21 when I'm 31, I think there are a lot of women who immediately discount me (even women my age) based on what they perceive as lack of maturity (or perhaps lack of sufficient mid-20s goatee). This is just off of looks. I think for the older woman/young man relationship to work, there is a stronger need for the young man to prove he is a capable, mature and stable individual. Of course, both parties need to be in the right frame of mind, naturally and spiritually. DanL (#13), I completely feel your situation, as I am quite serious about marrying sooner, not later. I find that many younger or similarly aged women I've met, especially in school, have a mind to establish careers first, and many older women seem to discount a younger man without serious consideration. By no means is this a blanket statement; it just represents my experience. Looking forward to other perspectives on the matter.
37. Rachael said the following at 3:20 PM on Mar 9:
Kyle (36) -
My guess is if the woman is just a few years older and saw good things about your maturity and character that she wouldn't necessarily automatically discount you. I'm 27 and my guess is that I don't act or look much different from 24 year olds.
If the woman was 10+ years older than you, I'm not sure how it would go...even then I suppose it could work if it was according to The plan. Really people are all so different. All kinds of folks. Some might never mature by human standards, some mature quite young.
I would be accepting of some flexibility with age in either direction, but most likely I wouldn't be interested in a guy right out of college, nor would he likely be interested in an oldie :).
Part of comment 45 of the post on "Love and Marriage Luther Style" said:
"... all I get to do is pick through the "leftovers" "
That is the kind of the sad thing about getting older...but maybe the men are thinking the same thing about the women their age. And there can be beautiful traces of God's work in us 'leftovers' :) just as there can be in the 'blessed taken ones'. The grass always seems greener on the other side...The men are kind of 'lucky' (from a human perspective), though, in that it is a common thing that they have a broader selection.
Maybe God just wants us to trust Him. And He has a beautiful plan for us, with or without marriage. We don't have to be married to be used for His glorious purposes. Easier to say than feel though, I know.
*peace*
38. k. said the following at 4:17 PM on Mar 9:
As for the age issue in general, why not just settle it on a case-by-case basis? Marry whoever's right for you, the end.
Deborah C -- Hmm. To be honest, red flags are flying all over your post. Why not move out on your own, and then focus on meeting men locally?
39. Richard said the following at 12:11 AM on Aug 2:
I am 24 and am dating a woman who is 28, 4 years older than me.
It is not wierd or awkward.
Some young men mature very quickly and it just feels natural for them to date someone older than them.
40. Linda said the following at 4:05 PM on Aug 5:
I think life experience and maturity can go either way. Older men I meet in this culture seem to have had several ex-relationships, and maybe a children as a result. I find they have too much experience and little patience for me. That just would not be fair to a younger woman who has waited, with no baggage and may be more suitable for a younger man on the same path and emotional level.
41. Exchurchmouse said the following at 5:19 PM on Aug 5:
Okay, then I'll pose this scenario. I want to see how you all will respond.
I am 28 years old. Let's say that I met a guy who is 50 years old. We hit it off and we have a lot of chemistry. However, this man is old enough to be my father!
This is not something that has happened in real life, but Ted's post and everyone's comments got me thinking.
I don't really think a lot about when I am going to meet someone, let alone how old someone is. However, the issue of age difference is a very interesting topic of discussion.
So if I date and eventually marry a man who is 50 do you think it is okay or gross? Either, way, why?
42. Linda said the following at 6:42 PM on Aug 5:
Linda, you hit the nail right on the head !!!
Some people think that life experience makes people more mature, but often people just make the same mistakes over and over, and have to much baggage !!!
I am glad mine was my 1st and one and only girlfriend and kiss !!!
43. Julia H said the following at 8:13 AM on Aug 6:
My mum is 7 years older than my dad. They met at a church singles function when he was 24 and she was 31. My dad fell in love with her at first sight. He told me he actually thought, "wow, this is the girl I'm going to marry." My mum was a very proper English teacher and my dad was a scruffy biker with a social handicap called being an engineer (I can say that because I'm an engineer too.) It took him months of pleading, lots of flowers and some serious persistance, but finally, she accepted his offer to take her on a date. Three months later they were engaged, and three months after that they got married. My mum had her first bay at 34, and her fourth at 40 (all girls - my dad sure got what he asked for when he prayed to be surrounded by beautiful women!) They are the most "in-love" couple I know and continually gross me out by kissing in front of me in the kitchen and my dad telling my mum how beautiful she is and that she has sexy legs. They will have been married 30 years this year.
Older women, don't lose hope, there are wonderful men out there that aren't blinded by our culture's views of beauty.
What's the difference between cheesewhiz and engineers?**
**cheesewhiz has personality!
44. Rachael said the following at 8:20 AM on Aug 6:
I'm 28 and considering marriage with someone who's 37. His life experiences that have come with his age have most likely added to his maturity. I was talking with a couple friends last night and one of them mentioned how one advantage is that he may not change as much -- that the way he is might be how he'll be. I don't think that necessarily has to be linked to age, but I think there could be some truth to that.
45. Jeni said the following at 9:40 AM on Aug 6:
For a long time, I had very clear age ranges for a man I would potentially be interested in; 5 years older, but not much younger than myself. However, in the past five years or so, I've had very good friends marry men 8 years or more their junior and their marriages are godly, fun and adventurous. I've also had friends who have married men 8 years or more their senior who have godly, fun and adventurous marriages. Having observed both sorts of senarios, I've concluded that a good relationship is more about who the two people are than it is about the ages of either party.
I say, give the younger ones a chance. Give the older ones a chance. You might find a gem in the midst of the rocks!
(I might need to work on my analogies).
46. BDB said the following at 11:37 AM on Aug 6:
Exchurchmouse (#41) wrote:
>>So if I date and eventually marry a man who is 50 do you think it is okay or gross? Either, way, why?<<
Well, it kind of depends on WHY he's in the place he is. Two pick two extremem examples:
1) If he's twice-divorced and looking for a 3rd trophy wife, it's probably a bad risk.
2) If he's a widower who just spent a few years caring for his wife as she suffered from cancer, probably a much better risk, particularly if he's still raising children - if he had them late, for example, and they're 10 now.
3) If you're both called to missions in a specific country, and he lost his wife to an accident, it might be a very good match. Calling can overcome a lot.
In general, the bigger the age difference, the more life experience differences there are to overcome. Genetics matter, too. In my family, everyone who doesn't smoke or drink lives pretty healthy into their 90's. In some families, they lose people to cancer or diabetes in their 50's. If I married someone 22 year younger with family health history like that, I could easily outlive her for 20 years.
That said, I don't approach people that much younger.
47. Susan said the following at 9:35 AM on Sep 13:
Julia (#43)wrote: My mum is 7 yrs olders...
Thanks so much for ur parents' marriage. I have been doubting about a relationship I have with a 3 years my junior guy.
The thing is, I love him, and t'was trying to have someone tell me there is happy ending to an older woman, younger man relationship.
I can finally be at rest at pursuing a steadier relationship with him. Cheerio to ur parents marriage.
48. Ashley said the following at 11:00 AM on Sep 22:
I've been considering dating a man who is twenty years my senior. He's a young 40, and I'm a mature 20 and we're both very devout Christians, but I just haven't really known whether or not to pursue it. I still live with my parents and I'm afraid that they would be against such a match, but when I think about the relationship we would have, it seems like we're "soulmates."
And I've thought about the fact that I'm still in college and that I'll eventually be caring for him when he starts aging rapidly, but I don't really mind. I've never met a man who is so completely devoted to a woman as he is to me!!
Sara, your post made me believe that it can work out between people with such an age difference. Thank you!
49. obewan said the following at 12:35 PM on Sep 22:
#48. Ashley had the following to say on Sep 22 at 11:00 AM:
">>I've been considering dating a man who is twenty years my senior. He's a young 40, and I'm a mature 20 and we're both very devout Christians,..."<<
-----------------------------------
Wow. I don't know if I could advise you since I have mixed opinions on this. I am in my 40's, and I get frequent contacts from some "Christian dating" websites from "younger" women in their 20's and 30's. It usually scares me to be honest. (Most of them are foreign women who may be looking for a ticket to America.) I just got one today from an English woman who is 31 and don't know how to respond besides saying I am not into long distance things. In you favor, my cousin did get married to a 37 yr. old when he was 57. They have been married around 20 years and have 3 kids and are very happy so far. His health continues to hold out. I think that age becomes less of an issue for older couples.
50. IMO said the following at 2:50 PM on Sep 22:
Ashley,
Are your parents Christian? If they are, they may provide some godly wisdom.
If you start this relationship, your parents will know or find out.
Is the 40yr old man encouraging you to talk to your parents before starting the relationship?
Do you have any Christian mentors or any godly friends?
If everybody around you is against this, then maybe you need to be more discerning.
But if everybody around you that cares and wants God's best for you is excited about this new relationship of yours, then those are good signs.
Basically look for the red flags.
Don't cling to the "I'm in love. I found my soulmate" feeling...it may distract you from the red flags.
51. em said the following at 2:56 PM on Oct 30:
Ted, agreed but to what "research @ Boundless" are you referring?
On younger women and older men, I always assumed I would marry someone older (and other people assumed so too) because I'm very mature and tend to "intimidate" most men in my age group or younger. One man about 12 years my senior had a crush on me but I had no interest in a relationship with him and would have said "no" if he had actually asked me out. But that wasn't so much about his age as I didn't see our personalities or visions for marriage as compatible.
On younger men and older women, I definitely recognize the preference many men have for younger women, but it isn't universal. Some Christian men want to "train up a wife" so they marry a girl. Some men want to partner with a woman. (of course some fit into neither category and age difference doesn't always equate to maturity difference).
My now fiance says he always had a preference for older women and feared that he would end up "having to" marry a younger girl. I'm 2.5 years older than he is and I fully respect him as my equal (and he respects me). We aren't far apart on the age scale but it really never has been an issue. The biggest attraction for me to him has been his respect for and acceptance of me, along with our shared interests and visions for life. As a side note, my mentor when I was a teenager is also about 3 years older than her husband and they have a WONDERFUL marriage.
Overall, on age differences in relationships, I can't say I have a lot of insight except that "why" matters.
Age difference shouldn't be the determining factor in a relationship, but age can influence a lot of other things (interests, attitudes toward money, maturity, financial security, how much longer someone lives...). Be aware of them and make an informed decision.
If you are young & inexperienced, girls, be cautious about a shallow relationship w/ an older guy who just likes your looks and wants to "train" you to be a "good little wifey." You may not be mature enough to know yourself yet and the wonder of his attention might wear off in ten years if you don't have underlying compatibility (spiritually, interests, calling).
BDB, it's true that it's easier to impress a younger girl with "flash" and your financial security. And these relationships may work fine. Then again, some immature girls who marry for those things and look up to you as an almost father figure are ill prepared to deal with supporting you when you lose your job or through an illness. Girls who want sugar daddies may be poor partners.
52. Ted Slater said the following at 3:14 PM on Oct 30:
em (#51) -- Maybe I'm reading your comment wrong, but it looks like you're really demeaning differently-aged couples, specifically those like mine where the guy is older than the girl.
You wrote, for example, "Some Christian men want to 'train up a wife' so they marry a girl. Some men want to partner with a woman."
Are you saying that because my wife is 12 years younger than me that she is not my partner, but is simply someone I'm training?
Later you encourage women to "be cautious about a shallow relationship w/ an older guy who just likes your looks and wants to 'train' you to be a 'good little wifey.'"
Again, it sounds like you have nothing but spite toward those who, like me, marry someone younger. Do you have anything positive to say about the relationship I have with my wife? Or do you simply see me as a "father figure" and "sugar daddy" to my wife?
53. Ted Slater said the following at 3:26 PM on Oct 30:
em (#51) -- you asked, "Ted, agreed but to what "research @ Boundless" are you referring?"
Steve discusses it here. You can read the study that Steve referenced here. Check out page 19.
54. Tami said the following at 3:44 PM on Oct 30:
Sorta torn here. I don't really have a problem with age gaps per se. When I was younger, I *wanted* the 10-year age gap... not so much now :P
But at the same time I struggle when, on the one hand, Boundless writes articles about not fretting about finding a mate and trusting God when you're a woman in your 30's, and then the next week saying "Hey, guys! Marry a significantly younger woman! It's not a problem!" -- not because it's a problem, but because it's a discouragement to a significant portion of your female readership.
But I *do* have issues with 40+-year-old guys deliberately going to young adults gatherings to find young (18-early 20's) women. That strikes me as odd, and creepy -- as though they guy is unwilling to interact with women his own age (i.e. immature). It causes problems, disrupts the group, and makes the women feel ill at ease.
It's a different situation if the two get to know each other and grow in love.
Incidentally: I'm in my 30's and most guys who approach me/show interest are in their 20's. And these guys tend to be *more mature* than the guys in their 30's, to boot. Go figure.
55. BDB said the following at 3:50 PM on Oct 30:
Whoa - this is an old post. But it seems I'm being addressed.
This statement is true:
>>Girls who want sugar daddies may be poor partners.<<
But there are a lot more pieces to the pie. The question about whether a woman can support a disabled husband is modified by several things. Has he used his career success thus far to eliminate debt? If so, then the burden isn't so high. If he's mature, he will have sought out the proper insurance to help mitigate the problems associated with becoming disabled, say in a car accident. Finally, a man with a dozen years of work experience could easily be eligible for a $2000/month disability payment from social security. So, even if he was unable to work, the combination of, say, her teaching salary of $4000/month combined with his $2000/month disability would be equal to his $6000/month salary.
An age difference of 28 and 38 is not the same as, say 18 and 38.
56. SJL said the following at 4:49 PM on Oct 30:
I am a 30 year old single woman. My previous relationships have been with older men (12 years, 6 years, 4 years my senior).
Because I had the opportunity to date around in my 20's and to experience life through the eyes of a more mature person (my boyfriends), I believe it has made me into who I am at 30 and I am grateful for that. These men taught me about the finer things in life (travel, wine, nice restaurants), because they were more financially successful. They taught me how to get ahead in the business world and how to be an adult.
While all of these men have wanted to take care of me and provide for me, none of the relationships resulted in marriage. None of them were able to teach me or offer me a true partnership. Because of our age differences, our relationship was imbalanced.
I was always the student, they were always the teacher. I was the young, hot, attractive arm-candy at cocktail parties. They had to skip dessert in fear of losing their physique. I could stay up at all hours of the night, yet they would lose their steam around 10pm, even on weekends.
Now, I find that I am most compatible with men closer to my age. We have similar lifestyles and understand each other's philosophy and outlook. We have common interests, energy levels, ambitions and timing of those dreams.
I believe that Love happens independent of one's age in years, Love happens when there is a true partnership between two people - and a desire to work towards a common goal, whether that means serving God, starting a family or eradicating poverty in the Third World.
Sure, it might be sexy to meet someone years older or younger than you, but the sexiest partner is the one who is willing to stand by your side and make the world a better place with you, regardless of how many years he or she has been in this world.
57. em said the following at 10:26 PM on Oct 30:
Ted,
I'm sorry my comments sounded demeaning to you. It is not at all my intention to generalize about an age gap in marriage but to bring up items that some couples may wish to consider.
SJL's type of experience was much more what I was referring to - not yours. I have a good friend who is 12 years younger than her husband. They knew each other for 6 months before they got married and she was only 21. They have a very healthy partnership relationship as I assume you and your wife do.
Sadly that is not always the case and younger women do have reason to be cautious about some older men. That's not an attack on honorable older men and it is much less a factor when the younger of the couple has been out of college for a year or two. But when a 19 year old girl is being pursued by a guy 10 or more years her senior, it is wise to double check the strength of the relationship.
There are men out there who want to train up a wife, there are some who want to partner with a woman - but in my quote I also said that age difference does not necessarily equal maturity difference and many couples are great examples of that.
Not all (or even most) older man / younger woman relationships are characterized by girls who want sugar daddies nor do all (or even most) men in these situations want malleable girls. But it does happen that way sometimes and that's worth being aware of.
I'm not judging your marriage at all :-)
And, btw, BDB, great point about how an older man dealing w/ challenging life circumstances may well be prepared to deal with them financially and his wife wouldn't necessarily have to work FT to support them. That could be the case. Interestingly enough, when I wrote that, I was thinking more about understanding what he might be struggling with and being an emotionally supportive partner & friend if he wasn't able to provide for her in the lifestyle to which she was accustomed and she wasn't very mature. And, if he was prepared for adverse circumstances financially that might ease the emotional burden too.
All my best in your adventures and thanks for the great discussion.
58. Sara said the following at 11:25 PM on Oct 30:
It concerns me that so many people view women dating older men as gold diggers or women looking for sugar daddies, and men dating younger women as men who are just out to get the "newer model" after dumping their last wife.
I married a man older than me, and I know women who have married much older men. Some may fit those stereotypes, but most don't. My husband certainly isn't rolling in cash... in fact, once I graduate I am pretty much guaranteed to be the provider. However, he was mature, stable, ready for marriage, knew what he wanted in life, and didn't rely on his parents for anything. Those were qualities that attracted me to him, especially considering the other men I was running into were undergrad university students. That is, mostly men on their parents purse-strings, waiting for married until they were graduates, with a home, with a full-time job, etc, etc, etc.
I wasn't going to date for the sake of dating. If I was going to date, it was going to be with the purpose of marriage. That meant older men were really the main options.
That said, I wasn't even looking to get married when I found my husband! I didn't think I would find any man who was ready for marriage, AND met my standards haha, but there he was! God works in amazing and unpredictable ways!
59. BDB said the following at 1:46 PM on Oct 31:
em (#57) wrote:
>>I was thinking more about understanding what he might be struggling with and being an emotionally supportive partner & friend if he wasn't able to provide for her in the lifestyle to which she was accustomed and she wasn't very mature.<<
Well, that is an interesting observation, and something I've thought about specifically since I wrote my first comment on this thread two years ago.
There are definitely some women who recognize their husband's challenges and try to allay his fears. I had a boss in his 60's whose wife realized what was happening with the business and on her own, came to him and said that if they ended up back in a 500-sq-ft apartment, she was OK with that. It certainly took a lot of the pressure off of him as he tried to work the problem.
But I've also come across some women in their 30's, 40's and 50's who were the opposite. They have been extremely critical of their exes, even around complete strangers (like me), and saying they were idiots who couldn't get a job, blaming everyone else for the challenges they face in life, etc. etc.
During the same period, I came across a few women in their 20's in volunteer settings. They didn't graduate at 22 due to extenuating circumstances there was some sort of delay. And maybe their career hasn't turned out quite the way they had expected. They've responded to the difficulties by accepting that this is what God has for them today, so they will walk in their circumstances today. It's a much more spiritually mature approach.
So, if you look at all these people, and you know the successful marriage is the woman who is sympathetic, should a man pursue the super-critical woman in his age range, or the supportive one who is younger?
60. a said the following at 4:16 PM on Nov 1:
I'd say from personal observation, it seems to me that a majority of the men I know who are around my age (same age or a couple years older) (22 yrs old) seem to be much less mature than most of my girlfriends in the same age range. I really think that in general girls do "grow up" sooner than guys do. In that respect, I can see why a younger woman could be attracted to an older man and vice versa. At the same time however, I admit that the man who I most respected, admired, and liked (w/out him knowing it...) during college was a guy who is nearly a year younger than myself. He showed more Godly maturity than any of the other guys I knew - including some who were quite a bit older. The fact that he was younger than me did not make me think any less of him. Thus, I do not think there is anything wrong with marrying a man younger than yourself, or marrying a man quite a bit older than yourself.
61. em said the following at 7:24 PM on Nov 1:
BDB - the supportive woman who is younger, of course - because of her maturity.
That's why generalizations are dangerous - they simply can't fit every circumstance. And anyone who doesn't fit in the observation can be offended that it is made at all - I know, I do that a lot myself.
I'm not at all against cross-generational marriage but there are particular issues that should be considered when the age gap is significant and the younger of the two lacks a great deal of life experience. Similarly, there is NOTHING wrong with cross-cultural marriage, but there are specific issues that are worth considering in making that decision.
I'll say this, when I'm counseling 16 year old girls, I ask them to be very wary of 20+ year old guys approaching them for a date. That's not because I think there is something wrong with 4 year age gaps - it's because it's not unusual for the guys in these situations to use the girl's naivety and desire for the status that comes with dating a "college boy" to pressure her sexually. Does that happen every time? No. But it's worth being aware of.
When she's 22 and he's 26 - I wouldn't think twice unless she's been extremely sheltered and he's very experienced in the world, because their maturity level is more likely to be similar at this point. Likewise, a 17 year old dating a 27 year old differs dramatically from a 27 year old dating a 37 year old. Maturity, not time, is the issue, right?
62. LIz said the following at 12:16 PM on Nov 6:
Wow lol i came on this website to see if God would allow a 32yrs old woman like me to be with a 25 yr old man were both in children ministry im just seeing if the Lord wants me to be with him so i am trusting in the Lord. PLuse a lot of ppl think im 24 so i know i still got it lol! Well please pray for me:)