Mingle. Meet. Marry.
by Motte Brown on 12/14/2006 at 9:45 AM
About a year ago, some singles in Colorado had an aha! moment while watching ABC's reality show How to Get the Guy where four women combed the city of San Francisco for eligible bachelors until they found their mate. "If all you have to do is search an entire city to find your spouse, we can do that!" And from this sprang the Rocky Mountain Christian Singles Mixer. Here's a description of the event from their website:
[This mixer's not] a lame, church-basement, bring-a-bag-of-chips mixer, but a bona fide, classy, publicized, large-scale mixer. ... [W]e're going to combine elements of speed dating and guided communication with a mixer vibe and an all-out party atmosphere. The goal is to get each attendee in front of about 50 members of the opposite sex within one evening. And not just any member of the opposite sex. We're talking about men and women who are successful, stable, fun, interesting and directional. You show up, and we'll do the rest.
Here's how it will work. There will be 16 tables with groups of three women and three men hosted by a facilitator couple. Each group of six will have eight minutes to converse about themselves, ask questions, or do whatever in order to get a quick first impression. When the eight minutes are up, the men will go the next table until everyone has met. Afterward, there will be time to mingle and talk more with the people who caught your interest.
And if you're asking how they can promise that you'll meet singles who are "successful" and "directional," you actually have to qualify to attend. Interested singles have to fill out an application which will be reviewed by the event organizers "to make this the best possible experience for everyone and ensure that the conditions are ideal for making some quality connections."
Their promotional material has "Mingle. Meet. Marry." I asked one of the event organizers about including "marry" and she responded, "We wanted to convey a sense of intentionality with our messaging." Imagine. An event where female and male interaction is for the purpose of finding a spouse. How biblical. If all dating were that intentional, there probably wouldn't be a need for a Rocky Mountain Christian Singles Mixer. But since there is, at least there won't be any dating games, just the fun.
1. Mike Theemling said the following at 3:30 PM on Dec 14:
This methodology is called "Speed Dating" and there are a number of online services that offer this venue.
It'd be interesting to see how intentional the participants will be.
2. A. LaLande said the following at 4:12 PM on Dec 14:
Regular dating, online matchmaking, and personal ads make me VERY uncomfortable. So when I first read about speed-dating in Italy I was surprised at myself for thinking it seemed like a good idea. But I wouldn't have even given it a second thought if it were American style! However, this particular event, with the Christian marriage-minded twist, sounds great. I'd have to wait a couple more years to try it, but I just might, if by then the concept has proven successful (and I'm still not married yet!).
3. Leah said the following at 7:25 PM on Dec 14:
This is pathetic. Where does this leave God's part in our relationships? Would people rather trust matchmakers than God?
And as if there's such thing as "successful, stable, fun, interesting and directional" people. I don't think I know any young men or women who are completely stable or directional.
4. Erin said the following at 9:05 PM on Dec 14:
Leah, I don't think that anyone is all of those nice adjectives all the time, but that doesn't mean that there aren't sincere people out there who are striving to be those things, and hoping to meet people who are striving for the same thing.
As for where this leaves God in the relationship process, it seems to me that being an active pursuer of a godly mate is not showing a lack of trust in God, but a trust that God will work through whatever means He deems necessary and fitting at the time. Who's to say that God can't work through these "matchmakers"? To expect for God to drop a mate in one's lap is lazy and an irresponsible use of what He has given us (I'm not saying that you yourself are lazy or irresponsible, but that it can be dangerous to limit "trusting God" to some sort of invisible mental activity instead of an active lifestyle).
5. DanL said the following at 9:15 PM on Dec 14:
It is a nice idea, but I don’t see it working for people like me who are very shy. Six to eight minutes with someone I’ve never met isn’t going to be enough for me learn much about them. I’d much rather spend more time getting to know one person. I’ve tried to work on being less shy, but they progress has been rather slow. It seems that women don’t like shy men and I don’t hold out a lot of hope.
On another note, I took a look at the application, and I’ve never been comfortable answering questions like “Describe your current church involvement.” I mean isn’t the point to do our good deeds before God and not men?
6. Mark said the following at 2:30 PM on Dec 15:
From time to time people descibe the process of finding a mate as if it is a mystical occurrence. "It's complicated and incomprehensible. I'll just let God deal with it." With the risk of sounding like I'm disgracing holy matrimony, I've started to view dating similarly to finding a job (with the exception that I have no intention of leaving a wife.) You have to put effort in to it. You have to talk to people. You have to do some investigating. You also have to know yourself. It doesn't happen just as Erin said. To paraphrase Henry Cloud, unless you want to marry the FedEx man, you need to get out of the house.
As for shyness, I know how tough it can be around women. However, unless you keep pushing yourself, you'll never see any improvement. It's taken me about 10 years to make progress. I still have times where I don't want to be around people. I also have times when I realize that I don't want to be by myself for the rest of my life so I intentionally put myself "out there."
7. Christine said the following at 4:28 PM on Dec 15:
DanL - I'm not sure that it's fair to say that women just don't like shy men. I think that more outgoing men tend to draw more attention.
Also, I don't think that asking about church involvement is necessarily a bad thing. I would want to know whether or not a man was involved at his church. Unless there was a really good reason, I wouldn't want anything to do with dating someone who wasn't involved at his church. It isn't the only thing I look for, but it is a reflection of how important God and His church are to an individual.
8. R Lee said the following at 10:59 AM on Dec 16:
In response, to "To expect for God to drop a mate in one's lap is lazy and an irresponsible use of what He has given us":
Hmmm, I don't recall Boaz looking for wife.
9. DanL said the following at 11:16 AM on Dec 16:
Christine,
I am not suggesting that you shouldn’t look at someone’s involvement in their church whether to date a certain individual or not. Of course you should. If you follow the form you see where they actually print out your responses to that question (as well as your bio) and pass them out to everyone. Essentially, I feel like I would be saying “Look at the all the church activities I’m involved with (and thus how holy I am). This is why you should go out with me.” I know this isn’t what the organizers intend for the question to be, but that is what it would feel like to me.
(As an aside, I also wanted to share a concern about looking at a potential mate’s church involvement. It is important to remember some activities get noticed more than others. The man who sings in the choir get or is part of a “worship team” gets noticed more than a man who works in the nursery [at least by those w/o kids]. And both get noticed more than the man who comes in on the evenings during the week to help with maintenance. As I said, the purpose for doing any of these things isn’t to be noticed. But I guess I would encourage people to not be too quick to assume that someone isn’t “involved” at their church.)
You right that I was too broad when I comment that “women don’t like shy men.” I’m sorry and I take that back. I guess that just sticks in my mind, since of the three women I’ve dated, the only one who gave me a reason when she decided to end things said it was because I was too shy. But you are right that it isn’t fair to project this on all women. And for the record, I’m shy around everyone, not just women. But like I said I am improving.
Mark,
I think you are absolutely correct that many people make finding a mate too mystical of a process. I’ve heard the analogy between it and looking for work a few times before, and I’m sure there is some truth in it, but I have never been too comfortable with it. I think this is because I will take almost any honest job that I can find if I need it. I was unemployed earlier this year. During that time I worked many small handyman/light construction jobs and came close to accepting a job offer from a company that I think I would have been likely to leave after two to three years, before finally accepting an offer for what I hope will turn out to be my dream job. I don’t want to try to make an analogy between this and looking for a spouse.
10. Gina Dalfonzo said the following at 7:07 PM on Dec 16:
I'm reminded of what Adrian Monk (of USA's "Monk") said of speed dating: "That's like Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell."
I'm all for making an effort and not just waiting around for the rest of your life, but for certain personality types like mine and, I guess, Dan's, this kind of thing sounds like sheer torture. I suppose it works for some, though, so good luck to those who try it.
11. Christine said the following at 9:28 PM on Dec 16:
Dan,
I would agree with that stance on church involvement wholeheartedly. Thanks for explaining yourself.
Also, I don't think that you necessarily needed to apologize for your comments about women not liking shy men. I had intended my statement to be encouraging, not argumentative. However, online like this - it isn't always easy to get that across!! I do have friends who appreciate men who aren't always the outgoing type.
Gina - I liked your Dante's Inferno comment...I think that speed dating would be rather tedious for me as well and I'm a somewhat outgoing introvert (if that makes any sense at all!).
12. Leah said the following at 10:21 PM on Dec 16:
To Erin: Oh, I realise there are definitely people who are striving to achieve those attributes, but what I was saying was that it's a far call for these matchmakers to claim that their clients *do* have those attributes.
13. Leah said the following at 10:34 PM on Dec 16:
Sorry Erin, but I didn't finish reading things before I posted ;) I'm silly and tend to do that so that I won't forget...
Having read the second part of your comment, I have a bit more to say. I don't have anything against other people helping a person find a partner. In fact, it can be very wise. But an organised, impersonal thing such as this leaves me very dubious. If it's a friend, or mentor, or sibling "matching" you up, then they are able to use discretion and know who, and what attributes in a person, would suit you, and what wouldn't. In a scenario such as this, that sort of thing doesn't happen. Yes, God could use it- God can use anything. But that doesn't necessarily make it right. I'm not saying things such as this are downright wrong or sinful, but to me it displays a "I want a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife and I want one now" attitude. As if we need to seek guidance from Mixer organisers rather than God, or our family or fellow church members. Like I said, not necessarily wrong, but I think the process of finding a partner can be done a lot better.
I also didn't use the phrase "trusting God" as an equivalent of "not looking but just waiting". I was looking very actively when I found my boyfriend. My friends have also been involved in trying to "match" me with various guys in the past (some more successful than others :P). But, as I said above, I think it's wiser for friends and family to help you in the search rather than an organised "come find a partner" mixer.
14. Jacob said the following at 10:59 PM on Dec 16:
Gina,
I had to laugh at the comparison with Dante...it seems to be apt...
I'd never do it, but best wishes for all those who try it out...God works in mysterious ways!
15. Hector said the following at 12:08 AM on Dec 17:
Just because this event includes "marry" in its little snappy slogan doesn't make it a wise idea. Going by first impressions, like these sorts of events do, isn't a great way to search for a spouse. You know nothing about these people other than their looks and 6-8 minutes worth of conversation, which doesn't show much about their faith and background. It's likely that the person with the most outgoing personality and/or best looks draws all the attention from the opposite sex, while the others are just afterthoughts. What's so great about that?
16. Erin said the following at 2:01 PM on Dec 17:
Leah,
I'm glad you clarified what you meant, and I do agree that while God could use this method, or any method, that doesn't always make it the best or wisest one. I don't know that I myself would go to a mixer like this, and my comments were more generally addressed to the "just waiting" mentality that I've encountered in a lot of my friends. I went to a Christian college where the ratio of guys to girls was about 3:1, so just waiting didn't do any of us any good! :) There's something to be said about making yourself noticed, and I like what you said about relying on friends and family members who actually know you as a person and not as an application to assist in the relationship process instead of using a matchmaking service. There's a lot of wisdom in that.
I also agree with Hector that making the decision on whether or not to date someone after speaking to them for a matter of minutes is tenuous at best and dangerous at worst. If I had gone by first impressions, I wouldn't be marrying the man I'm going to marry in June! :p
In response to R Lee, Boaz may not have been looking for a wife (although he could have been, I don't recall the book of Ruth making mention of that either way), but Ruth was sure looking for a husband, and she found him!
17. Lisa said the following at 10:32 AM on Dec 18:
Not that I want to belittle anyone's thoughts, but I'm a little surprised at the dissertations that this post has prompted. It's a mixer, people! What's wrong with going to a planned event to meet people, whether new friends, old friends, a potential date or a potential spouse? Hello, 150 years ago guys bid on girls' box lunches at the church picnic, and a month later they were married. Some of the above comments seem to be spoken out of cynicism and fear rather than a true desire to exercise wisdom, discretion and reliance upon the Lord.
As for Dante, well, get over it. Monk is a fictional obsessive-compulsive freak. And that seventh circle of Hell may be for the violent (yeah, um, surely a fair and reasonable descriptor of this mixer?), but the ninth circle is for the treacherous, and the punishment is encasement in ice. Not a far cry from most of our current dating lives, no doubt.
Nothing wrong with giving this event a fair shake. It sounds like fun.
BTW, the latest post on the mixer blog explains that the speed dating portion of the event is in a group setting ... not intimidating at all, in my opinion.
18. Gina Dalfonzo said the following at 11:03 AM on Dec 18:
He is indeed, Lisa. But fictional or not, this character is not alone in feeling shy and scared about the idea of parading himself in front of total strangers a few minutes at a time over and over again, in a group setting or in any kind of setting. (And yet he somehow managed to have a very happy and loving marriage before his wife's death. One of the best things about the show is the way Monk, despite his many flaws, values marriage, his wife's memory, and women in general. I wish there were more "freaks" like him.)
Anyway, I'm not sure the "Monk" writers thought hard and long about which circle of hell they mentioned -- I think simply mentioning hell got the feeling across very nicely.
The point is, if it's not intimidating to you, that's fine. But it is very intimidating to some of us. And there's nothing wrong with that. Different people have different comfort levels in different settings.
19. Brooke said the following at 11:06 AM on Dec 19:
Goodness, what a debate!! :-) How about this...if you don't like the idea, you don't have to participate. Just be aware that there are lots of Christians out there that have met their siginificant others through less then conventional means and it doesn't mean that they love God any less (or more) than you do!!
20. Esther said the following at 11:09 AM on Dec 19:
Most of the time when I am introduced to a single man, the thought of any "potential" there crosses my mind. In this way, single people are always "on the market", but not nearly as much as this event promises. It sounds a bit like a slave auction, at least from a woman's point of view. To have to choose her clothes, do her hair, and all the time ask, is this what will catch "his" eye? Most women are all too conscious of men's visual motivation, and insecure about their real (or perceived) flaws. To put women in this position of parading themselves in the hope of snagging some attention hardly seems to demonstrate the care and protection Christian men ought to show to their sisters in Christ. Of course, I speak from the position of being one of those pleasant, attractive people that no men seem to notice at first meeting. Nor am I blind to the fact that many churches' singles groups are little better, with women competing for attention with the way they dress and act.
As for the Christian part of this mixer idea, how is a woman supposed to present her traits of quietness, gentleness, modesty, hospitality and godliness in a few minutes of face-time? Perhaps it would be more honest and eye-opening if each prospective date were required to bring a few members of their family, just to see what you're really getting into. I am of the opinion that the whole modern system of dating/courtship is intrinsically flawed, but I'm not sure how it can be fixed.
21. Leah said the following at 6:05 PM on Dec 19:
Brooke, the point of commenting on the Boundless line is to share what we find good or bad about the subjects of posts.
And from what I read, nobody accused anyone of loving God any more or less than others.
22. Brooke said the following at 6:35 PM on Dec 19:
Leah, sorry if my comment was confusing. I meant those against the speed dating, etc did not have to participate in it, not that people should stop commenting about it.
23. James said the following at 9:08 AM on Dec 23:
Ester, I know what you mean when you say that you're the kind of person that no one notices on the first meeting. Same with me, but from the male end of the human spectrum.
Personally I can't help but look at this mixer idea as a little sketchy at best. Maybe that's b/c I'm very skeptical of trying to copy/paste something from secular society into church life.
Now, not that I have a problem with Church-sponsored singles events, etc. as long as those events don't try and copy the secular world while physically being in a Christian location. This mixer is the latter, I think. That's why I don't like it.
24. Dan Finnegan said the following at 10:10 AM on Dec 29:
Congrats to the organizers of this event! The stream of comments shows the importance of this topic. I am a married (22 years, 6 kids, great wife) Pastor of a church that has about 20 really amazing singles. I pray for them and their future spouses constantly. Family and churches have traditionally been highly involved in facilitating relationships, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to know how we (your church family and married friends) can effectively help.
We have discussed creating a connection point between other interested singles groups to do mixers. I probably would prefer a slightly different format. Truth be told, however, unlike you, we haven’t actually done anything. Kudos!
So go forth mighty men/women of God! Can't wait to hear how it goes. Springs of Life Church will be praying for you.
Pastor Dan
25. Leah said the following at 9:09 PM on Dec 29:
Dan- it's not Boundless which is running this event. Motte just came across the subject somewhere else.
Doing something about the issue is important, however as I said above I'm not sure if this is the best way to go about it. It doesn't involve church family, or real family, or any other friends as you seem to think. That's what I had my biggest issue with.
26. Brooke said the following at 5:42 PM on Dec 30:
Leah: sometimes friends and family are unwilling or unsuccessful with helping singles meet other singles. Sometimes alternative means may be beneficial...
27. Leah said the following at 7:04 AM on Jan 1:
I still don't think complete strangers are the best way to go. It would be extreme circumstances where you have *no* family or friends who can assist.
28. Kerri said the following at 8:57 PM on Jan 9:
I think I have to agree with ERIN
"What's wrong with going to a planned event to meet people, whether new friends, old friends, a potential date or a potential spouse? Hello, 150 years ago guys bid on girls' box lunches at the church picnic, and a month later they were married. Some of the above comments seem to be spoken out of cynicism and fear rather than a true desire to exercise wisdom, discretion and reliance upon the Lord."
I think that pretty much sums it up. Personally, I haven't dated in several years because I wanted to get my kids raised, but now that they are - or almost, I would love to meet someone that I could share love and life with.... the big question is - how to go about doing that when most of my friends are already married and most of my time is working.…. This seems to be a safe and perfect way to meet some nice people that perhaps may lead into long-term friendships / relationships which is why we are here ?!?!