True Tales of an eDater
by
Suzanne Hadley
on Nov 28, 2006 at 4:21 PM
In 1998, when it was still considered taboo to meet someone on the Internet, I got to know Mike from Texas in a Christian college chat room. We discovered we had many things in common and soon a friendship took a romantic turn. Our letter-writing, e-mail correspondence and phone conversations allowed us to get to know one another in a communication-rich way.
After a year-long relationship, in which Mike visited me in Washington and I visited him in Texas, we decided to go back to being friends. Shortly after that, I reflected on my Internet dating experience in an article published in my college newspaper:
"I don't feel [the reason it didn't work out] has to do with the fact that we began our relationship over the Internet; I think it's more a long-distance relationship issue."
If she had the experience to do over again, Hadley said she would. "As for looking for someone to date on the Internet, I don't think it's a good idea. But if you find a friend, I don't think you can say God doesn't allow people to meet on the Internet. I don't think God can be put in a box."
While my perspective has matured, I still feel that way. I've tried to keep an open mind about eDating. While Ted points out certain evils of online relationship building, the truth is there are evils present in every form of relationship building. The problems he mentions are not restricted to online courtship (although pitfalls may be more prevalent).
There is one main reason I have avoided eDating. At this time in my life, I believe my motive for trying it would be sinful. The moments when I am tempted to jump on eHarmony are motivated by impatience (an anti-fruit of the Spirit). A desire to take my romantic life into my own hands and "shop" for a husband is not a pure or godly motive.
If in the future, God lays it on my heart to pursue an online relationship, I will not resist. I have had friends for whom this has been the case and the results were very God-honoring. The point is obedience. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says: "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I want my thoughts and actions — including those involved in my romantic desires — to be obedient to Christ.
1. Leah had the following to say on Nov 28 at 9:12 PM:
Hasn't Boundless, many times, encouraged actively looking for a husband or wife? While I'm not a fan of internet dating, how is searching for a spouse on the net any more impatient than actively looking for one at university or at church?
2. Bethany had the following to say on Nov 28 at 9:45 PM:
I have a couple of times considered eDating; each time I realized my motivation was wrong. I am easily seduced by the idea of filling out a form and having someone dropped into my lap and being done with things. We seem to have no patience anymore in our society. Eventually we will be able to pick out a spouse at a drive-through window and be done with it. We don't want to work for it. I am not saying eDating cannot be sucessful, what I am saying is that for me it appears to be like taking diet pills to lose weight instead of changing one's lifestyle of food and exercise. It looks to be a quick, ducktape fix when what you really need are a few good nails.
3. Sherie had the following to say on Nov 29 at 5:29 AM:
Interesting points. Though I do feel that at times eDating can appear to be an effort to force something to happen instead of patiently waiting on God, I don't think that's always the case. I have to also agree with Leah that at times, eDating is not much different than persuing a mate in the real world.
I don't believe that we can presume to know the ways or the timing in which God will bring the right person into our lives, and eDating is essentially providing another avenue that He can use to that end. Also, for quite a few people, the pool of available Christians in their area or church may be small, and using the internet is just a way of widening their circle. Sometimes you can be fully involved in ministry, outreach, and small groups at church but still not coming into contact with good strong, single Christians.
Granted, eDating is not without it's flaws, but it also isn't always just waiting for someone to be dropped in your lap. I personally think that it is possible to use it as a tool without passively waiting for someone else to do the work, and at the same time trusting and asking God to lead you and guide your interactions with the people He brings across your path.
4. Dr. Ransom had the following to say on Nov 29 at 8:00 AM:
I fully concur that we cannot logically suggest "e-relationships" would never lead to something Deeper. God has put up with the most bewildering array of marriage methods before, things that we would recoil from today: including arranged marriages and everything.
Without the specters of Dating or Romance hovering about -- something that would haunt an intentional eHarmony user -- one can actually, easily find great new people in the cyber-dimension with nearly no "romantic" connotations. For years I've encountered people, male and female, by email, forums and blogs whose like-mindedness and lack of face-to-face niceties somehow result in a strange new form of friendship that takes on incredible depth, but still isn't *too* deep.
Because of the special-interest-group and high-specification natures of much of the internet, it isn't entirely impossible to encounter someone seeming to be a near-clone of yourself in beliefs, hobbies, life circumstance and even age -- without even trying to find one. (This can be constrasted to "real-life" social arrangements, in which people of very different beliefs, lifestyles and interests are all together, even in church-related settings.)
Some of these people I've managed to meet in person: most specifically, in conferences in Wheaton, Louisville and Dallas. But that is a rather expensive procedure -- and therein lies the rub.
If one were to pursue an online friendship-turned-more the way Suzanne described, one would have to devote incredible amounts of time and financial investment.
Is that impossible? Of course not ... and yet deepening a friendship to that level, I hear tell, is already tricky enough without tossing requested time off and several hundred mile distances and round-trip tickets into the mix.
How much would such a process entail? Could a courtship be longer or shorter, kind of, maybe to save on the cost of airfare or gas? And if it actually works out -- well, *someone* will have to move, and far away too.
Again, of course such things aren't impossible hurdles if the timing is right and all other usual indications -- parents, pastor(s), life circumstances -- seem to point in the right direction. But they are worth consideration.
5. Jake had the following to say on Nov 29 at 8:06 AM:
Bethany, I find it hard to see how having someone dropped into one's lap and being done with things (as if online matchmaking were that easy anyway!) is a bad thing, especially when you consider the predominant model during biblical times, arranged marriage. Is there any particular reason one should have to "work for" a spouse? OK, there are some examples in the Bible, like Jacob working for Leah and Rachel, but on the other hand there are stories like Isaac and Rebekah -- I wish I could just have my dad sent a servant out to go fetch me a wife!
I think this opposition to online dating is yet another example of contemporary Christians' tendency to keep barking up exactly the wrong trees. If we want people to get married younger, and have more children, as Boundless writers are always advocating, don't we want to encourage something that may help people get together?
6. Robert J Espe had the following to say on Nov 29 at 8:41 AM:
I think the problems with edating are more pragmatic: it assumes that someone who you can be matched to is the best for you. And worse, it lets you decide how to screen people. The best possible person may not be anything like you imagine.
7. Steve had the following to say on Nov 29 at 9:11 AM:
I agree with Suzanne that many of the problems Ted describes can occur in offline relationships. However, I think one of Ted's best points is that online services focusing on compatibility tools can give the illusion that if you put your effort into finding the perfect fit, you can coast later. In reality, even the best fits have a lot of work ahead of them.
8. Bethany had the following to say on Nov 29 at 9:53 AM:
Jake, I see your point. I guess for me eDating feels like shopping. I wouldn't mind my parents setting me up with someone, but it feels a bit creepy to have a perfect stanger set me up with my "match." I don't mean to imply that it cannot work, but for me (so far) my temptation for using it has been impatience with what God is doing with my life. There may come a time when God leads me to eDating, but everytime I have gone that direction I felt very sure it was the wrong way for me to go at that moment in time.
9. Aaron had the following to say on Nov 29 at 11:18 AM:
I have a question concerning the little comment about the breakdown of the relationship due to it being long-distance. I, a college senior, have been dating an amazing, beautiful, mature freshman for about a month now. Being deliberate about marriage, I have been looking ahead but have become discouraged about the future. I’ll be leaving to go to graduate school and she’ll be staying here. The result would be an inevitable multiyear long-distance relationship. The distance wouldn’t be that bad, close enough for weekend trips, but I still wonder about it. Can long-distance relationships, even for long periods of time, work out?
10. Suzanne had the following to say on Nov 29 at 12:14 PM:
In response to Aaron, absolutely. I think it really depends on the hearts of the two people and how God is directing. In my case, the guy was not marriage-minded and eventually our relationship got to that point of decision: Is this worth continuing or not?
My brother has a very different story. His junior year of college, his girlfriend went to Kuwait to teach for a year. They maintained their relationship, and when she returned married a year later. They feel that the distance tested their relationship, in that it showed them what they had was worth the effort. They've been happily married for four years.
My suggestion would be to really seek the Lord and not rely on what others have done. Continue pursuing the relationship unless God clearly shuts the door. With God, all things are possible — even long-distance relationships that end in marriage.
11. Jon had the following to say on Nov 29 at 12:42 PM:
Why does the discussion (of this article and others) assume that "e-dating" will inevitably lead to a long-distance relationship? The unspoken assumption of the comments seems to be that "e-dating" services will be used to build up a long-distance relationship via e-mail, with a face-to-face meeting happening later on.
Why can't you use "e-dating" services to meet singles in your local area that you otherwise never would have met? Unless you live in a small town, I have a hard time believing that you've meet *everyone* who's within a short drive from your residence. What's wrong with using "e-dating" services to plan... hmm, I don't know...maybe to plan *dates*??
12. Blair had the following to say on Nov 29 at 2:23 PM:
For those who use "being patient" as an excuse not to edate I have a question. Why does pursuing marriage mean that one is not being patient. God does work in relationships, that does not mean he does not expect us to activily seek marriage. As far as the story with Issac and Rebecca; God did not just give Issac a wife, Abraham sent a servant to find one and bring her back. I know this is harsh but I am sick of Christians (especially Christian men) using patience as an excuse not to pursue marriage. I think a lot of time we think we are being patient and showing trust in God by waiting for "the one" when in reality we are being lazy and not trusting that God will give us a good marriage.
13. Brooke had the following to say on Nov 29 at 5:04 PM:
Not all online dating sites match you with people. My husband and I met on a Christian site where you simply looked at profiles and could email people you were interested in talking to. I would say that the internet was a part in our meeting, but we did not start officially dating until 5 months after meeting in person for the first time. Our relationship was long-distance (3 hours drive) for two years, and I won't say it was easy, but it was worth it!
14. erin had the following to say on Nov 29 at 10:00 PM:
In response to Jon, I would say that while it's certainly possible to meet someone in your local area by edating, the chances of meeting someone you are interested in who doesn't live in your town usually seem greater. As a person who tried eHarmony for a few months, I can say that out of about 100+ matches, only 4 were in my immediate area. The rest were at least 2, and sometimes up to 8, hours away. The thing of it is, one must be open to the idea of a long-distance relationship when using an edating service, and if one isn't, then there is a way to limit "matches" to people within a particular town.
Finally, I am currently in a long-distance relationship and will be getting married in June, so I can say with Suzanne that long-distance relationships can work out. That being said, they shouldn't be entered into lightly, and any ideas about the romance involved in long, intimate emails and 3-hour phone conversations quickly pales when faced with the possibility of not seeing the one you love for a month. Long-distance relationships have a way of forcing you to evaluate your level of commitment to a person, which is a good but hard thing. If you truly believe that this woman is a potential spouse for you, then I see no reason not to try it, all the while seeking God and trusting Him to work things to His own end.
15. Jessica had the following to say on Nov 30 at 6:09 PM:
Well, I'd just like to add ... I tried christiancafe.com for one day & found an amazing man of God who lives 15 mins from me. Ironically we had some common friends and odd connections. I laughed at the idea of online dating for some time, but it's just another avenue to meet people ... much better than a bar or funernal! After meeting in person three days later, our relationship is very much like any other relationship. We just used a more "modern" venue to meet each other. And we knew we had much in common before our first coffee date. :)
16. niki had the following to say on Apr 14 at 8:41 AM:
Why is there the assumption that eDating = eHarmony? A year ago, I met my boyfriend on a website that didn't cost any money, didn't run any tests, and didn't match me up with him. He just saw my high-standards-profile and was intrigued, so he messaged me. I didn't really have to do much. He joined the website just to see how it'd go (he'd written the programming language that the site-creator used to make it) and I joined while taking a study break. The eHarmony style site is a unique one, so you can't lump all of "eDating" websites into that category! :)
17. niki had the following to say on Apr 14 at 9:17 AM:
I'd just like to give some advice for anyone gutsy enough to try "eDating"! From someone who's been there...
1. Recognize that you are taking a risk. C'est la vie!
2. Resist all non-realistic, wishful-thinking thoughts... they will pop up whether you expect them to or not! Be prepared. Consider the what-if's.. But *don't* obsess over them.
3. Slow. Down.
Seriously, take it easy. Take your time replying to emails. Think it through. Be completely honest. Give people the benefit of the doubt. *And* be discerning.
4. Pray ten times harder about this than you normally do about dating and romance. Especially if you "meet" someone you like.
5. Get as many people involved as you can. You'll have to get over the social stigma attached to the "I met someone online" explanation. Just tell other Christians flat-out and then ask them for their input and prayer. Be sensitive, respectful, and confident in the Lord.
6. Pray before visiting the website or even turning on the computer!
I had been praying to meet someone for several weeks, and then found a *free* online dating site totally at random while surfing the web (it was not a Christian site)... I "met" my Christian boyfriend a year ago on that site, about 2 weeks after I joined. Without praying, I do not believe I would have come to that website. I seriously doubt I'd ever have paid money and then done a 29-questions survey to find a date (not that there's anything wrong with it). I had enough guys interested in me (and I still do) if I wanted to *just* find a date. I wanted to find God's will.
7. Did I mention, you need to pray? A lot!
Hope it helps ;)
18. Richard had the following to say on Jul 7 at 10:19 PM:
I met my 1st and only girlfriend on the internet.
The first time we met in person, I just knew she was "The One" and I asked her formally after that one in person meeting, and we have been so happy dating each other ever since.
Love happens everywhere. I never actually expected to the "The One" online, but God gave me her from there, and all I can say is I am so happy.