No More Mr. Nice Guy by Motte Brown on 11/20/2006 at 7:53 PM

I have a co-worker who doesn't like me very much. I'm unaffectedly reminded of it daily because we work in the same building. But I am affectedly reminded of it on specific occasions when a gesture of courtesy is met with indifference. Such was the case recently.

There was a time in my life when such an acquaintance would have bothered me greatly; a time when I used to think I had to like everyone, or at least pretend to. And pretending to can manifest itself in some pretty ugly ways. For me, it would come in the form of slander. I would speak and act nicely to someone while sufficiently ripping them behind their backs. It was my way of confirming that the weirdo was really them, not me.

Thankfully, we don't have to like everybody. One of my mentors taught me that just because you are a Christian doesn't mean everyone's your friend. There are simply some people who will rub you the wrong way, and vice-versa.

I was reminded of this more recently in an Ask Theophilus column "Is Dropping a Friend a Sin?" In it the Professor instructs that "it isn't a sin to stop liking." But that doesn't mean we have no obligation to them. He goes on to say that even if you don't like someone, you still have to be honest, fair and kind, and keep from seeking revenge or spreading gossip.

I can do that. There is a certain freedom that comes from knowing that some people just bug, including me.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Motte Brown on 11/20/2006 at 7:53 PM

I have a co-worker who doesn't like me very much. I'm unaffectedly reminded of it daily because we work in the same building. But I am affectedly reminded of it on specific occasions when a gesture of courtesy is met with indifference. Such was the case recently.

There was a time in my life when such an acquaintance would have bothered me greatly; a time when I used to think I had to like everyone, or at least pretend to. And pretending to can manifest itself in some pretty ugly ways. For me, it would come in the form of slander. I would speak and act nicely to someone while sufficiently ripping them behind their backs. It was my way of confirming that the weirdo was really them, not me.

Thankfully, we don't have to like everybody. One of my mentors taught me that just because you are a Christian doesn't mean everyone's your friend. There are simply some people who will rub you the wrong way, and vice-versa.

I was reminded of this more recently in an Ask Theophilus column "Is Dropping a Friend a Sin?" In it the Professor instructs that "it isn't a sin to stop liking." But that doesn't mean we have no obligation to them. He goes on to say that even if you don't like someone, you still have to be honest, fair and kind, and keep from seeking revenge or spreading gossip.

I can do that. There is a certain freedom that comes from knowing that some people just bug, including me.

Comments

[1. Francesca said the following at 9:27 AM on Nov 21:]

1

Thanks for posting this. I also work with someone I don't really like. The difference for me is that she's never been unkind or mean to me. It's simply that her personality annoys me. I had just come to the conclusion that I am *not* a mean, petty person just because I don't have the same love for her that I do for my other co-workers, and your post confirmed this for me. However, I do have to be polite and kind and (as difficult as it is at times) restrain my tongue from spreading my feelings around.

[2. John M. said the following at 9:42 AM on Nov 21:]

2

Great insights. Paul says we must try to be all things to all people. But after we’ve honestly tried, we have to realize that we just can't please everybody all the time. The reason is that people may have conflicting expectations of us. Especially in work, these expectations often concern money, time, and other finite resources. Pleasing one person sometimes involves the defacto displeasing of another, and unfortunately, people can be narrow-minded and fail to understand that you mean well to both sides.

That said, I think we need to be careful with the attitude of "confirming that the weirdo was really them, not me." I think we should examine ourselves to see if we’ve really given a reason for offense. If not, and the person is just being a jerk, labeling him is probably not helpful. We all have shortcomings.

[3. Motte said the following at 10:19 AM on Nov 21:]

3

Good comments from Francesca and John M.

John, in writing "confirming that the weirdo was really them, not me" I was confessing that my attitude was wrong. My point was more that when we put on a facade of niceness, it's more tempting to harbor bad feelings against someone.

Your are right though. We do need to be guarded against it.

[4. Ted Slater said the following at 12:23 PM on Nov 21:]

4

Motte, if you have an issue with me I'd prefer you share it with me directly rather than through the blog.

;-)

[5. Mrsmk said the following at 12:59 PM on Nov 21:]

5

I have to agree with the last post -- the unlikeable person. I used to have a friend who I did like but overtime, our miscommunications became too much -- and I felt that I had to end the friendship for my own sanity. One thing she often said was "we need to communicate better." I realized 1x while talking to my dad that we were communicating well -- but we just didn't like anything that the other did -- and it took me a few more yrs to learn that that choice I made (back then) was ok.

[6. Mike Theemling said the following at 11:11 AM on Nov 22:]

6

"I don't know the secret to success but I know the secret to failure is to try and please everybody" -Bill Cosby

[1. Francesca said the following at 9:27 AM on Nov 21:]

1

Thanks for posting this. I also work with someone I don't really like. The difference for me is that she's never been unkind or mean to me. It's simply that her personality annoys me. I had just come to the conclusion that I am *not* a mean, petty person just because I don't have the same love for her that I do for my other co-workers, and your post confirmed this for me. However, I do have to be polite and kind and (as difficult as it is at times) restrain my tongue from spreading my feelings around.

[2. John M. said the following at 9:42 AM on Nov 21:]

2

Great insights. Paul says we must try to be all things to all people. But after we’ve honestly tried, we have to realize that we just can't please everybody all the time. The reason is that people may have conflicting expectations of us. Especially in work, these expectations often concern money, time, and other finite resources. Pleasing one person sometimes involves the defacto displeasing of another, and unfortunately, people can be narrow-minded and fail to understand that you mean well to both sides.

That said, I think we need to be careful with the attitude of "confirming that the weirdo was really them, not me." I think we should examine ourselves to see if we’ve really given a reason for offense. If not, and the person is just being a jerk, labeling him is probably not helpful. We all have shortcomings.

[3. Motte said the following at 10:19 AM on Nov 21:]

3

Good comments from Francesca and John M.

John, in writing "confirming that the weirdo was really them, not me" I was confessing that my attitude was wrong. My point was more that when we put on a facade of niceness, it's more tempting to harbor bad feelings against someone.

Your are right though. We do need to be guarded against it.

[4. Ted Slater said the following at 12:23 PM on Nov 21:]

4

Motte, if you have an issue with me I'd prefer you share it with me directly rather than through the blog.

;-)

[5. Mrsmk said the following at 12:59 PM on Nov 21:]

5

I have to agree with the last post -- the unlikeable person. I used to have a friend who I did like but overtime, our miscommunications became too much -- and I felt that I had to end the friendship for my own sanity. One thing she often said was "we need to communicate better." I realized 1x while talking to my dad that we were communicating well -- but we just didn't like anything that the other did -- and it took me a few more yrs to learn that that choice I made (back then) was ok.

[6. Mike Theemling said the following at 11:11 AM on Nov 22:]

6

"I don't know the secret to success but I know the secret to failure is to try and please everybody" -Bill Cosby