Is Our Idea of Marriage Unrealistic? by Denise Morris on 11/27/2006 at 2:17 PM

An article recently posted by Newsweek talks about the statistic that nearly four in ten babies are born to unwed mothers. Candice blogged about this discouraging report last week.

While the Newsweek report didn't necessarily present the statistic in the negative light it deserves, there were some interesting insights in the article. Sociologists, they say, think that more women are having children before marriage because the whole notion of marriage has become somewhat of a fantasy in people's eyes:

Ironically, sociologists say, marriage may be on the decline precisely because it has become so idealized. People expect more from marriage than they did a century ago, when it was mainly a practical arrangement to provide financial stability for women and a place to raise children. "Now it's not only love and romance but also self-fulfillment and personal growth," says Pamela Smock, professor of sociology at the University of Michigan. Since there's no longer much of a stigma attached to getting pregnant outside of marriage, many couples have replaced "shotgun weddings" with "shotgun cohabitations."

Interesting. As I look at my own life and also the attitudes of my single friends, I have to agree with these sociologists. I think we have overly-idealized what marriage is and should be. We expect the person we marry to be perfect, we desire a romantic story to describe how we met, and we hold out forever in search of "the one." The idea of personal choice has been idolized in Western society, and I think it has definitely affected the way we think about marriage. It causes us to delay getting married until we think we'll be supremely happy with that choice. 

Is this the most biblical way to think about this life-long commitment? I am reminded of Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Marriage, in which he talks about marriage being intended to make us holy rather than happy. Through marriage, we are to learn how to better glorify God and serve others (namely, your spouse). Marriage is less about my ultimate happiness, and more about continually "being transformed into his likeness" (2 Corinthians 3:18, NIV).

Now, I am not saying that you should run out and marry the next person you meet. I do think there's a lot of wisdom, discernment and prayer involved in choosing a spouse. You don't want to marry any jerk who comes along. However, I do think we should approach marriage in a way that causes us to ponder how this relationship will glorify God instead of how it will be most pleasing to me.

Is Our Idea of Marriage Unrealistic? by Denise Morris on 11/27/2006 at 2:17 PM

An article recently posted by Newsweek talks about the statistic that nearly four in ten babies are born to unwed mothers. Candice blogged about this discouraging report last week.

While the Newsweek report didn't necessarily present the statistic in the negative light it deserves, there were some interesting insights in the article. Sociologists, they say, think that more women are having children before marriage because the whole notion of marriage has become somewhat of a fantasy in people's eyes:

Ironically, sociologists say, marriage may be on the decline precisely because it has become so idealized. People expect more from marriage than they did a century ago, when it was mainly a practical arrangement to provide financial stability for women and a place to raise children. "Now it's not only love and romance but also self-fulfillment and personal growth," says Pamela Smock, professor of sociology at the University of Michigan. Since there's no longer much of a stigma attached to getting pregnant outside of marriage, many couples have replaced "shotgun weddings" with "shotgun cohabitations."

Interesting. As I look at my own life and also the attitudes of my single friends, I have to agree with these sociologists. I think we have overly-idealized what marriage is and should be. We expect the person we marry to be perfect, we desire a romantic story to describe how we met, and we hold out forever in search of "the one." The idea of personal choice has been idolized in Western society, and I think it has definitely affected the way we think about marriage. It causes us to delay getting married until we think we'll be supremely happy with that choice. 

Is this the most biblical way to think about this life-long commitment? I am reminded of Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Marriage, in which he talks about marriage being intended to make us holy rather than happy. Through marriage, we are to learn how to better glorify God and serve others (namely, your spouse). Marriage is less about my ultimate happiness, and more about continually "being transformed into his likeness" (2 Corinthians 3:18, NIV).

Now, I am not saying that you should run out and marry the next person you meet. I do think there's a lot of wisdom, discernment and prayer involved in choosing a spouse. You don't want to marry any jerk who comes along. However, I do think we should approach marriage in a way that causes us to ponder how this relationship will glorify God instead of how it will be most pleasing to me.

Comments

[1. John M. said the following at 7:37 AM on Nov 28:]

1

I absolutely don’t think your idea of marriage is unrealistic. In fact I wish you’d take the next step and advocate arranged marriage.

People have shifted to think of marriage as solely a vehicle for personal happiness. Portrayals in popular media have encouraged this.

It may be true that marriage is “intended to make us holy rather than happy”, but it does have the side effect of happiness too. Studies consistently show that people married a long time are happier than people who are not. Not that I said “happier than”, not “perfectly happy”. I think our society needs to better understand what happiness is and where it comes from.

The most important thing in choosing a spouse (other than compatible beliefs) is character. Find somebody trustworthy who won’t shrink from supporting you in the tough times. Overlook whatever other little flaws they have, grab them and keep hold.

[2. DanL said the following at 9:00 PM on Nov 28:]

2

I am somewhat uncomfortable with this blog entry and its talk of “marriage being intended to make us holy.” To quote the Westminster Confession of Faith (WCF XXIV-II): “Marriage was ordained for the mutual help of husband and wife; for the increase of mankind with a legitimate issue, and of the Church with an holy seed; and for preventing of uncleanness.” While I certainly believe this holds marriage in very high esteem, it’s not quite the same as saying marriage is an instant (and required?) ticket to sanctification. Yes marriage does play in role in the sanctification for those who undergo it, but then so does everything else in the life of the Christian.

There are also practical issues that I wish you would take more seriously. Given that, in part, marriage is for “the mutual help of husband and wife” it is legitimate to consider whether you and a special someone have lives and calling that would compliment and positively reinforce each other. Despite what has become popular opinion (not just at Boundless), I do feel this constitutes a view that “marriage is all about me.” Likewise, considering whether someone would make a good mother/father to your children is a legitimate, and not selfish question to contemplate. I can’t help but feel that in an article bemoaning people having unrealistic views of marriage that you have done the very thing.

I also feel that is in unfair to project comments from sociologists about the culture at large unto the Christian subculture without justification.

[3. Chris Brazelton said the following at 9:36 AM on Nov 29:]

3

If we accept the proposition that marriage is, "intended to make us holy rather than happy," then we have found the reason for the decline in marriage in our culture. Most people -- including many Christians and the vast majority of non-Christians -- are neither prepared for nor desiring to enter into a state of continual spiritual testing, which marriage would be if it was primarily designed to produce holiness, with no ultimate regard for happiness.

The problem of separating holiness from happiness becomes more apparent when we consider the recurrent theme in scripture and Christian thought that growing closer to the Lord requires one to delight in the Lord, and love Him. Plodding, pained service does not capture the full richness of Christian love and commitment to God, man, or husband/wife.

Both devotion to the Lord and the commitment of marriage fulfill deep, God-given longings that reach to the center of our being; for this reason, happiness accompanies holiness in marriage, and a persistent lack of happiness indicates that a marriage has failed to fully embody the divine plan for marriage.

[4. Denise said the following at 10:07 AM on Nov 29:]

4

Maybe I was unclear. I don't believe (and I don't think Gary Thomas does either) that marriage can't, doesn't or shouldn't make you happy. I also don't think marriage is to be looked at as a grueling chore or a type of penance that will lead us to holiness. What I was trying to say is that the part of marriage that I would guess would make you more holy is the constant opportunity you have to serve someone else. Through honoring your spouse and his or her desires and feelings, you often have to give of yourself.

I am in no way saying that we should approach marriage with a, "sigh, guess I should work on my holiness" kind of attitude. I so look forward to marriage, and I think it will be great!

The problem I see in our culture today is that we expect marriage and relationships to solve all of our problems. I think that's why so many of us are delaying it -- we need to wait for the person who will make everything better. In my mind, that sets us up for disappointment. I need to know that the guy I marry is a flawed human. My desire through marriage should be to better understand God's beautiful relationship with the Church, and, through marriage, I should still be doing my best to love the Lord and love my neighbor (my husband).

Does any of that make sense? Thanks for the comments!

[5. Emily said the following at 10:57 AM on Nov 29:]

5

Great post, Denise. My fiance and I just finished reading Sacred Marriage as the first of many marriage books we're planning on going through in the coming months. Gary's book actually revealed to me a lot of marriage misconceptions I'd absorbed from our culture (and my family background), especially the idea that I must make the absolute right choice in finding a husband to make sure I'll be as happy as possible for the rest of my life (absurd, I now know!).

When you view marriage as a lifelong opportunity to serve and bless someone else and to love with abandon, focusing on BEING the right person instead of FINDING the right person, there's so much more freedom to take joy in the marriage relationship! What a relief! The more I've changed my thinking about marriage from pleasing myself to pleasing God, the more and more excited I've gotten about our upcoming wedding and life together. If we look for our happiness in anything or anyone other than God (be it a job, marriage, possessions, etc), we'll be continually dissatisfied and unfulfilled. The novelty of new things wears off, jobs end, and people sin and disappoint each other, but the peace and love of God are eternal. If we pursue that with all our hearts and seek to live out His will first and foremost, He'll take care of the rest.

[6. Gary Thomas said the following at 7:07 PM on Nov 30:]

6

I don't normally participate in blogs, but this one came to my attention since so much mention was made of my book. Let me just say that Denise captured (and even defended!) my thoughts very well. These are wonderful issues for you all to be dealing with before you get married. I don't believe, as Denise already pointed out, that marriage and happiness are mutually exclusive. But I do believe happiness ultimately comes from a life oriented toward pursuing holines: "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added as well." (Matt. 6:33) If I had 100 lives to live, I'd want to be married in every one of them -- and that's after having been married to the same woman for 22 years. But I also have to say that marriage is about the most challenging aspect of life you'll ever experience, and I don't know anyone who has been married for any length of time who really disagrees with that. I just want people to be spiritually prepared so that they can appreciate not just the fun of marriage, but the soul-scouring parts as well. That gives them a reason to hang in there when things get tough (as they will).

[1. John M. said the following at 7:37 AM on Nov 28:]

1

I absolutely don’t think your idea of marriage is unrealistic. In fact I wish you’d take the next step and advocate arranged marriage.

People have shifted to think of marriage as solely a vehicle for personal happiness. Portrayals in popular media have encouraged this.

It may be true that marriage is “intended to make us holy rather than happy”, but it does have the side effect of happiness too. Studies consistently show that people married a long time are happier than people who are not. Not that I said “happier than”, not “perfectly happy”. I think our society needs to better understand what happiness is and where it comes from.

The most important thing in choosing a spouse (other than compatible beliefs) is character. Find somebody trustworthy who won’t shrink from supporting you in the tough times. Overlook whatever other little flaws they have, grab them and keep hold.

[2. DanL said the following at 9:00 PM on Nov 28:]

2

I am somewhat uncomfortable with this blog entry and its talk of “marriage being intended to make us holy.” To quote the Westminster Confession of Faith (WCF XXIV-II): “Marriage was ordained for the mutual help of husband and wife; for the increase of mankind with a legitimate issue, and of the Church with an holy seed; and for preventing of uncleanness.” While I certainly believe this holds marriage in very high esteem, it’s not quite the same as saying marriage is an instant (and required?) ticket to sanctification. Yes marriage does play in role in the sanctification for those who undergo it, but then so does everything else in the life of the Christian.

There are also practical issues that I wish you would take more seriously. Given that, in part, marriage is for “the mutual help of husband and wife” it is legitimate to consider whether you and a special someone have lives and calling that would compliment and positively reinforce each other. Despite what has become popular opinion (not just at Boundless), I do feel this constitutes a view that “marriage is all about me.” Likewise, considering whether someone would make a good mother/father to your children is a legitimate, and not selfish question to contemplate. I can’t help but feel that in an article bemoaning people having unrealistic views of marriage that you have done the very thing.

I also feel that is in unfair to project comments from sociologists about the culture at large unto the Christian subculture without justification.

[3. Chris Brazelton said the following at 9:36 AM on Nov 29:]

3

If we accept the proposition that marriage is, "intended to make us holy rather than happy," then we have found the reason for the decline in marriage in our culture. Most people -- including many Christians and the vast majority of non-Christians -- are neither prepared for nor desiring to enter into a state of continual spiritual testing, which marriage would be if it was primarily designed to produce holiness, with no ultimate regard for happiness.

The problem of separating holiness from happiness becomes more apparent when we consider the recurrent theme in scripture and Christian thought that growing closer to the Lord requires one to delight in the Lord, and love Him. Plodding, pained service does not capture the full richness of Christian love and commitment to God, man, or husband/wife.

Both devotion to the Lord and the commitment of marriage fulfill deep, God-given longings that reach to the center of our being; for this reason, happiness accompanies holiness in marriage, and a persistent lack of happiness indicates that a marriage has failed to fully embody the divine plan for marriage.

[4. Denise said the following at 10:07 AM on Nov 29:]

4

Maybe I was unclear. I don't believe (and I don't think Gary Thomas does either) that marriage can't, doesn't or shouldn't make you happy. I also don't think marriage is to be looked at as a grueling chore or a type of penance that will lead us to holiness. What I was trying to say is that the part of marriage that I would guess would make you more holy is the constant opportunity you have to serve someone else. Through honoring your spouse and his or her desires and feelings, you often have to give of yourself.

I am in no way saying that we should approach marriage with a, "sigh, guess I should work on my holiness" kind of attitude. I so look forward to marriage, and I think it will be great!

The problem I see in our culture today is that we expect marriage and relationships to solve all of our problems. I think that's why so many of us are delaying it -- we need to wait for the person who will make everything better. In my mind, that sets us up for disappointment. I need to know that the guy I marry is a flawed human. My desire through marriage should be to better understand God's beautiful relationship with the Church, and, through marriage, I should still be doing my best to love the Lord and love my neighbor (my husband).

Does any of that make sense? Thanks for the comments!

[5. Emily said the following at 10:57 AM on Nov 29:]

5

Great post, Denise. My fiance and I just finished reading Sacred Marriage as the first of many marriage books we're planning on going through in the coming months. Gary's book actually revealed to me a lot of marriage misconceptions I'd absorbed from our culture (and my family background), especially the idea that I must make the absolute right choice in finding a husband to make sure I'll be as happy as possible for the rest of my life (absurd, I now know!).

When you view marriage as a lifelong opportunity to serve and bless someone else and to love with abandon, focusing on BEING the right person instead of FINDING the right person, there's so much more freedom to take joy in the marriage relationship! What a relief! The more I've changed my thinking about marriage from pleasing myself to pleasing God, the more and more excited I've gotten about our upcoming wedding and life together. If we look for our happiness in anything or anyone other than God (be it a job, marriage, possessions, etc), we'll be continually dissatisfied and unfulfilled. The novelty of new things wears off, jobs end, and people sin and disappoint each other, but the peace and love of God are eternal. If we pursue that with all our hearts and seek to live out His will first and foremost, He'll take care of the rest.

[6. Gary Thomas said the following at 7:07 PM on Nov 30:]

6

I don't normally participate in blogs, but this one came to my attention since so much mention was made of my book. Let me just say that Denise captured (and even defended!) my thoughts very well. These are wonderful issues for you all to be dealing with before you get married. I don't believe, as Denise already pointed out, that marriage and happiness are mutually exclusive. But I do believe happiness ultimately comes from a life oriented toward pursuing holines: "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added as well." (Matt. 6:33) If I had 100 lives to live, I'd want to be married in every one of them -- and that's after having been married to the same woman for 22 years. But I also have to say that marriage is about the most challenging aspect of life you'll ever experience, and I don't know anyone who has been married for any length of time who really disagrees with that. I just want people to be spiritually prepared so that they can appreciate not just the fun of marriage, but the soul-scouring parts as well. That gives them a reason to hang in there when things get tough (as they will).