It Takes a Purpose to Date by Motte Brown on 10/16/2006 at 2:42 PM

I recently received my online singles newsletter from Christianity Today and read something you might want to consider, particularly if you are dating. It's an excerpt from Jason Illian's Undressed: The Naked Truth About Love, Sex, and Dating titled "5 Commandments of Dating." I haven't read the book so I can't recommend it, but I did find this passage that I think is worth wrestling with:

The purpose of dating is to find the "right one" with whom to spend the rest of your life. If you simply want to have fun, meet interesting people, or learn about yourself, don't do it within the context of dating. There is a time and place for these types of experiences, and it is called friendship. Just make friends with some people of the opposite sex if your goal is to learn and grow. Although dating sounds like an ideal way to simply shop around for Mr. Right, it is too easy to get emotionally and physically involved. And if you date with the goal of self-improvement or self-satisfaction, there is a very good chance that you're going to get hurt or you're going to hurt someone else. Dating should have a purpose — to learn who and how to love.

As Scott Croft explains in his article "What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?," there are no premarital relationships mentioned in the Bible outside of the context of marriage. On the contrary, as we see in the meeting, courtship and marriage of the Solomon and his bride in Song of Solomon, there are warnings to "not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." Does dating stir up love? You bet it does. Any time singles commit to spending time with members of the opposite sex within the exclusivity of a dating relationship, emotional intimacy happens.

The risk of heartache and pain from emotional intimacy without the intent to marry seems pointless. So if you are dating for fun and recreation, I have to ask -- to what end? I really want to know.

It Takes a Purpose to Date by Motte Brown on 10/16/2006 at 2:42 PM

I recently received my online singles newsletter from Christianity Today and read something you might want to consider, particularly if you are dating. It's an excerpt from Jason Illian's Undressed: The Naked Truth About Love, Sex, and Dating titled "5 Commandments of Dating." I haven't read the book so I can't recommend it, but I did find this passage that I think is worth wrestling with:

The purpose of dating is to find the "right one" with whom to spend the rest of your life. If you simply want to have fun, meet interesting people, or learn about yourself, don't do it within the context of dating. There is a time and place for these types of experiences, and it is called friendship. Just make friends with some people of the opposite sex if your goal is to learn and grow. Although dating sounds like an ideal way to simply shop around for Mr. Right, it is too easy to get emotionally and physically involved. And if you date with the goal of self-improvement or self-satisfaction, there is a very good chance that you're going to get hurt or you're going to hurt someone else. Dating should have a purpose — to learn who and how to love.

As Scott Croft explains in his article "What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?," there are no premarital relationships mentioned in the Bible outside of the context of marriage. On the contrary, as we see in the meeting, courtship and marriage of the Solomon and his bride in Song of Solomon, there are warnings to "not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." Does dating stir up love? You bet it does. Any time singles commit to spending time with members of the opposite sex within the exclusivity of a dating relationship, emotional intimacy happens.

The risk of heartache and pain from emotional intimacy without the intent to marry seems pointless. So if you are dating for fun and recreation, I have to ask -- to what end? I really want to know.

Comments

[1. Jesse Medina said the following at 12:00 AM on Jun 4:]

1

Hmmm. I am not sure I agree with the premise of this article for several reasons. First, the use of Scripture is taken out of context.

The author says, "there are no premarital relationships mentioned in the Bible outside of the context of marriage." It would seem, then, that our lifestyle should follow suit, right? What happens when we consider the culture of ancient Israel? The statement is true. But it is also true that a likely reason for this is due to the reality of arranged marriages in ancient Israel. Yet the author leaves this point out in an attempt to fulfill his agenda which results in his looking both foolish and dishonest. In this case, the lack of Biblical pre-marital relations is not prescriptive, but descriptive.

Second, I am not sure that the verse from Song of Solomon is being used correctly either. Is it really inappropriate to "stir up love" prior to tying the knot? Or perhaps the phrase means something more, like sex. To be honest, I do not know. I have a feeling, however, that love is not the enemy. Love is good and beautiful and is created by God. Can it be perverted before marriage? Yes. Can it be ruined without proper boundaries? Yes. Should we throw out the baby with the bathwater? Absolutely not.

Finally, the author would advocate that the way to protect ourselves and others is to refrain from dating unless we do so with the purpose of marrying the other person. This is a very distorted view of dating and one that is built upon an incorrect view of dating. The author supposes that dating "for fun" necessarily leads to broken hearts and selfish actions. This is surely not always the case. There are many couples, both Christian and not, who date for a variety of purposes and do so healthily. In fact, dating can be very healthy. Again, this must be accompanied by proper boundaries and maturity. But to assume that simply because some have messed up that the whole thing is now bad, is not the correct answer.

Dating can be a very healthy thing. It helps individuals to cope with relational stress, deal with problems together to reach a common goal, etc. And it need not be approached with the intent to marry. Imagine dating someone who you expect to marry to have it end in breakup. Is this not going to hurt far more? On the other hand, it is also not helpful to refrain from sharing your life and emotions with another person.

Both extremes will lead towards unhealthy dating patterns.

[2. xeres said the following at 1:47 AM on Jun 4:]

2

Jesse, their post The importance of play have some useful info on the regards of dating. I understand your point. However, dating should have a good direction of some kind. Directionless dating needs to be in the garbage can where it belongs. That's Motte's premise. He is not saying dating itself is bad nor is he uphold courtship as the ultimate solution to all the purity and heart issues. If you want understand where Motte is coming from, look into Honorable to fade away and one of their articles Not Your Buddy

[1. Jesse Medina said the following at 12:00 AM on Jun 4:]

1

Hmmm. I am not sure I agree with the premise of this article for several reasons. First, the use of Scripture is taken out of context.

The author says, "there are no premarital relationships mentioned in the Bible outside of the context of marriage." It would seem, then, that our lifestyle should follow suit, right? What happens when we consider the culture of ancient Israel? The statement is true. But it is also true that a likely reason for this is due to the reality of arranged marriages in ancient Israel. Yet the author leaves this point out in an attempt to fulfill his agenda which results in his looking both foolish and dishonest. In this case, the lack of Biblical pre-marital relations is not prescriptive, but descriptive.

Second, I am not sure that the verse from Song of Solomon is being used correctly either. Is it really inappropriate to "stir up love" prior to tying the knot? Or perhaps the phrase means something more, like sex. To be honest, I do not know. I have a feeling, however, that love is not the enemy. Love is good and beautiful and is created by God. Can it be perverted before marriage? Yes. Can it be ruined without proper boundaries? Yes. Should we throw out the baby with the bathwater? Absolutely not.

Finally, the author would advocate that the way to protect ourselves and others is to refrain from dating unless we do so with the purpose of marrying the other person. This is a very distorted view of dating and one that is built upon an incorrect view of dating. The author supposes that dating "for fun" necessarily leads to broken hearts and selfish actions. This is surely not always the case. There are many couples, both Christian and not, who date for a variety of purposes and do so healthily. In fact, dating can be very healthy. Again, this must be accompanied by proper boundaries and maturity. But to assume that simply because some have messed up that the whole thing is now bad, is not the correct answer.

Dating can be a very healthy thing. It helps individuals to cope with relational stress, deal with problems together to reach a common goal, etc. And it need not be approached with the intent to marry. Imagine dating someone who you expect to marry to have it end in breakup. Is this not going to hurt far more? On the other hand, it is also not helpful to refrain from sharing your life and emotions with another person.

Both extremes will lead towards unhealthy dating patterns.

[2. xeres said the following at 1:47 AM on Jun 4:]

2

Jesse, their post The importance of play have some useful info on the regards of dating. I understand your point. However, dating should have a good direction of some kind. Directionless dating needs to be in the garbage can where it belongs. That's Motte's premise. He is not saying dating itself is bad nor is he uphold courtship as the ultimate solution to all the purity and heart issues. If you want understand where Motte is coming from, look into Honorable to fade away and one of their articles Not Your Buddy